Marriage Maintenance

When it comes to taking good care of your marriage. There's more required than simply knowing the right thing to do actually have to do it.

Cheers Ron deal. My wife and I know how to dance in a way on the family cruise every year we've learned how to ballroom dancing get a little better at it little better at it. But you know during the pandemic. We dance a lot like we find moments where we do, but it's Kelly you need something to kickstart that just because you know how it doesn't mean you will. This is family life today.

Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com so maybe some of us need to dust off our dancing shoes or whatever it is that remote us this in your marriage.

Maybe we need to find some ways to draw closer to one another talk more about how we do that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us there's this illustration. I've used for years I've said to couples. How would you think of your marriage differently if I told you on the day you got married but told you this. I said your, give your car the day you get married, I'm in. But here's like a car for my wedding gift it and it's the best. It said at top model carts what is a car you want okay here's the thing. It's the only car you will ever have for the rest of your life. That's good to an outside knowing that I've said two things. Number one, you are probably going to do a better job of taking care of this car from the get go. Then we better do the scheduled maintenance we better make sure we do everything we need to do that. Let my wife drive highly thinking that we may need bigger than a two passenger vehicle yet you're probably gonna need not a Ferrari roadster but a minivan to start with, or maybe a Tahoe or suburban, depending on the kids. You're right, right. And you're right we wouldn't miss any fees get their maintenance done and if something went wrong with the car and you knew this is the only car we got you taken in and get it fixed because that's your only alternative rather than thinking. I wonder if it's time to trade the car in. You would go choice Frank, this is the current I would say did you get that lifetime warranty but that's the point of marriage. If we thought about our marriages that when thought this is the marriage I'm supposed to have for the rest of my life. So knowing that I better take better care of it from the beginning and when something goes wrong, I don't have an alternative I can go get it fixed because this is the only one I got.

Rather than thinking do I swap this one up for another model I fix this one. It's the one I been given for the rest of my life. If couples would think that way about marriage, don't you think that would cause them to start to view their relationship differently.

I think so. I know so great analogy about ways you still have no idea, but all great analogies have been barred from somewhere you know that as well as I do all work and no plagiarism leads to a place we've got our friend Ron deal joining us on family life to the data they welcome Ron, thank you and I'm glad that I work for a God who doesn't mind if I plagiarize right out of his interest by medevac the encourages and anybody who's ever spoken or preached knows this the first time you quote somebody you say as is my friend Ron deal says and then the second time you say as as I've often heard in the third time you say as I always say the whole thing goes.

Ron gives leadership to family life blended and is a writer and a speaker and he is here with us today because were talking about a fundamental issue and that is how do we do the work of regular oil changes and tuneups and tire rotations and alignments. All of that stuff on a marriage relationship so we can keep the marriage out of the shop and have fewer breakdowns along the way. Prevention is worth a pound if not a thousand pounds of cure and a professor in graduate school used to say, you know, marriages like the grandfather clock at the end of the hallway. If you don't go down there and wind that thing up every once in a while it just stops working and man I have never forgotten that like that's part of what we do is wind up our marriages, marriage is by nature entropic. It it will drain itself of energy unless we go down there when the clock better table of three guys. So that would be typical yes clinic is more like a football practice you get your enough to say the both of you need about one in the clock or an oil change.

I think a lot of us blisters might be doing this right now thinking that my wife needs an oil change. My husband need to know nothing about the marriage as much is your the person in is always the one to line good morning, so I mean, you do want to take your eyes off the person who's got all these weaknesses and you don't have any and say okay we both have weaknesses. So the clock is the marriage the car is our marriage. How would you maintain that and when you get a new card.

There is a booklet that comes with that that's got scheduled maintenance in that they tell you is in their 6000 logical to this box if there if you got the clock. You know that once a week or whatever the rotation is for you. You gotta wind up or is going to break down when I got married we did not have anybody say here's what the maintenance schedule for your marriage should look like and I just figured it was kind of an insult maintenance mode that we would by virtue of being together. We would grow closer. That's what happened when we dated, so I want to ask both of you. Why is maintenance in marriage harder than maintenance in dating was why is it that when were dating, we just kinda naturally the energies there and work together and we got and then you get married and all of a sudden it's likely me alone I want to watch this. Give me some time. Why is that the case well the biochemical warm fuzzies that drive us to pursue somebody be infatuated with desire want to pursue them in a relationship LS for about 18 months, but that's energy.

It's a constant dose of amphetamine. If you will to your heart into your energy to pursue the other individual click here saying 1818 months is about how long that infatuation drive chemical thing could be shorter. Some of you it runs out pretty quick. When you start a threat to kids you have in the first thing in months and things like that all kinds of life factors can crash that amphetamine drive usually. But if if you're just a normal situation. There's a point where we say the honeymoon is over and that's what would we say that phrase were Sammy amphetamine kick isn't there like it used to be my wife and I know how to dance in a way on the family cruise every year we've learned how to ballroom dance we get a little better at it little better at it.

But you know during the pandemic.

We didn't dance a lot like we find moments where we do it, it's Kelly.

You need something to kickstart that just because you know how it doesn't mean you will us this requires a kickstart and sometimes at the biochemical thing it's driving you towards that. But most of life. I think it is about conscious choice that we say how can we invest time and energy and let's dance, and there it is. So there's a physics law tell me if I'm right second law of thermodynamics says what it's a lot of entropy that everything that everything that is in motion is going to run out of energy. Eventually, unless you got something to push along with dad.

I remember being in a college class physics and learning at law and never thinking that applies to relationships, but it does us.

This is entropic unless you go down there and wind of the clock writing it as were talking. We should know that going in word a high right now.

This is passionate it's new. It's wonderful. It's fresh, it's not gonna last. And when you start to feel that go. It isn't like all were in trouble. It's like all this is normal.

This is what can happen and to keep that even close to it. Maybe not all the way back to where it once was given at 1 o'clock you're going after you. This is like big white were talking that we've all known for a while but I'll never forget hearing for the first time that this steering infatuation this love will change because I think a lot of people think it never well I mean movies don't show it going away necessarily answer I think that's important how this is normal and when it changes, it doesn't mean marriage is over. And so you moved into a new phase of your relationship and this new phase. Here's the here's the tricky part. This new phase is gonna be a little harder to get things started and I'm back to my car analogy you know you have it for a few years and it costs a little bit before it starts. It doesn't say go before you have to get started but the ride is actually going to be more comfortable. It could be richer and deeper when you're in it because it's not so much just a an emotion fueled experience.

Now there's there's a deeper level of connection that starting to form and build in this new phase of a marriage relationship.

Is it harder because our feelings aren't high and so were doing things out more of an act of our will. Yes, okay, you know. And I gotta say when I got married I was a complete idiot. I mean I was so ignorant and naïve about any of this that were talking about. I just don't think I had any idea of what it would take to continue forward with us. This is two ways of looking at what were talking about here. One way is man than sound romantic or fun or there's no chemistry anymore like I know it's not exactly what were sandwiches and chemistry doesn't necessarily drive you toward your S&S. The other way to look at it is to say, working to mature our love RS this may have been driven by pure chemistry for a season, but now it's come to be based on something else than that we get to work on the engine in the car, not just put a new coat of paint on it. We actually deal with the car. What makes it go. And that's going to require more of me within the chemistry season of life you here's a different illustration that may would get the clock to get the car to see this illustration there. There are some meals that you would get you will go this is great I can put this in the microwave and in four minutes.

I've got Thai food that is ready in four minutes and it's hot and it's it's good well so now you don't have a microwave anymore. And all of a sudden you prepare it takes a little while longer. And it hit you in the kitchen you cut things and it takes you, then simmer on the stove for a while but when you taste that Thai food that you cooked. You go. This is better Thai food than the microwave I'm in the microwave was there and it was quick and it was satisfying but now this stuff that takes a little longer little more work winds up being. This is even better now. You lost me how sissified of Jean explain how this applies to Mary. What if you feel like you know what I've been doing all the cooking and taking the car to the shop and mining clock and my spouse is doing nothing so tired of cooking and winding and taking my car in for a while and see if my spouse has anything that they want to do in a relationship okay but winding the clock is not your problem. The problem there is that it feels like the other person doesn't want you as much as you want them. It feels like a lopsided relationship and at that point, you're not feeling chosen or cherished. This is why we need a therapist is important because this is what we all do when were in those moments, and we feel like the other person isn't quite there for us like they used to be. Or like we would like for them to be. Then we get goofy. I mean, I do not start doing things to try to get my wife to want to be with me. You know you drop hints, or you may be yellow passive-aggressive for you. You complaint is flat out complain I'm doing all of the work here. How come I have to do all the cooking and initiate this and you're just kind of you know not really participating like so really what were saying as I I just need to know that you still love me still want us to feel super vulnerable yes asked that question because it's the deeper issue, I say to your spouse. It feels like you're not pursuing me feels like maybe you don't love me that's a scary way it is because they might say I don't. And if you get that answer your brother your brother not know then to know that answer.

At least that's how it feels at times part of the reason were talking about this today is because we've had so many couples who have been saying when are you guys going to have a weekend to remember marriage get away again that we can go to because those getaways have been catalytic for us that's been a week and where we've taken our marriage into the shop or where we have turned on the slow cooker and really let it simmer for a while.

Our marriage has been recalibrated in those weekends and we need one of those three calibrations and with Copeland and with ballrooms and spikes in we just not able to have the same number of getaways that we been able to have our team went to work and said, what could we give to couples that would somehow be catalytic, something that was kind of a do-it-yourself engagement that would help them restart some of these process and total preventive maintenance on your marriage and we came up with the dates to remember the date box that couples can order incorrectly rethinking with Valentine's Day coming up. You can order this now have your first date on Valentine's Day I think are three dates in the box have your first date night all planned out for you with everything you need to pull it off and you you have the date and then you schedule your next date there again three in the box so Valentine's Day goes on, it's really Valentine's Day plus plus that you get out of times month exactly in each of these states there are four components there's a game that you played together to an interactive, fun, spontaneous game, there's a video that you watch and then there are questions that you interact over as a couple. And then there are some per suggestions for you and so your date night gives you a chance to have some fun to learn to grow were really trying to set you up for conversations you would not otherwise be having an those conversations.

That's where the mechanic who is the Holy Spirit comes along and says okay we can adjust this we can tweak this we can make this so that the ride is better we can rewind the clock so that it chimes next week.

You know we've been married 34 years and in the beginning we had conversation that lasted you know, hours and hours and hours, but let me just own something you know once you get to know the basics of this person that you're married to. Once you spend a lot of time together when you've talked about lots of things under the sun. Sometimes you cannot look at each and go, what else do we talk about what else do we talk about that's not work. That's not the same old subjects to me having something like this that sparks conversation in a fun way. It's kind of like a game that's always fun that is often what Nana and I need we just need a spark to move us in a certain direction and then the conversation can erupt and take off. You can get a preview of this look at it go to family life today.com all of the information about the dates to remember date boxes available there, you can order from us online.

Again, go to family life to a.com and whether it's this date box. This is just one way to try to catalytically get you going in terms of regular marriage maintenance. I don't know what you guys did you start with a game plan.

They plan did you have a like when you got married, did somebody tell you you should date once a week or once a month or you need to do something and did you do that at the beginning.

I remember the first time we heard about a weekly game plan was at the we can remember sitting there as an engaged couple and we sort of laughed when Dennis Rainey said you know married couple should date weekly.

Again, it wasn't has to be every seven days, but it was a regular. We gotta pull away and focus on our marriage. We laughed because were like were engaged couples were Dayton every day and you think when your marriage or together all time. You don't need to date will actually we now know you know is really interesting.

We put this in our vertical marriage focus only people would say okay for going vertically, or marriage that major you're putting God first.

So you add a little God, your marriage generally works out okay so were trying to say and it reminded me of something I heard Rick Warren say decades ago about your spiritual life and we can all relate this is if you want to grow in your relationship with Christ on their forget in a sermon. He said you need to divert daily withdrawal weekly abandon annually and get onto crusty guys. I know D squared W squared a script anyway just said. It's like a workout. If you change your body every day.

You're going to do some so he send divert daily means you're busy you're crazy you're gonna pull away for five or 10 minutes maybe 30 minutes.

You can get the word of God because I want my spiritual life to grow once a week.

There's a principal in the Scripture called Sabbath withdrawal weekly meetings once a week rest. Focus on your walk with God, stop doing your regular work and focus. Once a week and we violate this command. By the way, 10 Commandments, and then once a year abandon annually as go to retreat spiritual treatment go to men's retreat when Goodwin forgot a couple whatever porn you think and I thought as were writing vertical marriage, my goodness, it's the same in your marriage if you want a great marriage maintenance look like once a day. We just change a little bit. We should pray together. So once there's a daily thing once a week, date, and again I know sometimes that's impossible, but get a rhythm where you pull away. You grab, you know this date box or whatever you need to do to go out and say where to spend a couple hours at least once a week and were to work on our marriage that's maintenance and then once a year get to we can remember get to a marriage retreat you're going to be changed.

That's gonna keep that car running pretty good right exactly. I remember we had maybe three or four kids and Marianne through flag on the field and she said we have got a timeout every day as we were to happen, we were busy.

She was swamped so the idea that she had, that we started to implement was when I would get home before anything else happened after I got home, we would have our 10 to 15 minutes of what we called couch time everything would stop she not go sit on the couch and we would debrief about our day. Talk about whatever would come along but what we needed to do. It was just a reconnect time, we didn't pray in that moment, but there was a relational reconnecting as it was happening in the center point of the dipstick on the oil and how we know exactly and the kids would always try to come in and interrupted. I mean they want dad's home.

Let's play we want attention and we would say to them no mom and dad are having couch time right now. This is our time, not your type great security that brings your kids, maybe not. They don't recognize it at first. Yeah ultimately they're seeing a marriage that this is a priority to update. They started to respect and honor that and then course after we'd huddled for that 10 minutes. Then we broke the huddle, she would go back to making dinner and I go play with the kids or do some weed in a week. Then we could go and engage in the rest of the evening but we had our huddle up moment are reconnect moment something like that on a daily basis as a part of marriage maintenance in one of the things I'm thinking about as we talk about this is, seasons and circumstances, because I know in our 34 years. There were seasons where we could not date once a week right twice a week when I month and afforded kids around her ankles.

We never lived where there were grandparents.

It was always on us and yes we try to find friends say will babysit for you if you but let's just talk to people for a minute who are going now. We just can't do that for whatever reason, maybe job loss maybe caring for an aging parent that is 24 seven and you just it's really difficult. I think the spirit of what were saying here is, it's not so much about getting out and spending money as it is about finding time to nurture that S&S and it doesn't have to be dramatic. It doesn't have to be necessarily here for a season. It could be a small investment of time the 10 minute chunks at the end of the day sit and watch a movie on Netflix on Friday night. You know I think that's important because at least I did none of other people hearing this message sometimes go legalistic on it and I think where were bad. I'm a bad husband.

I'm not leaving well because I don't take my wife out on a date.

I think what we need to remember is it it is about investing time and being intentional and just nurturing your rest. One of the things about that. The date box that the team put together here is this is not something that you have to spend a lot of money to go do something to make it happen.

You can do this after you put the kids to bed and you're in your bedroom and you play the game sit on the bed and you watch the video and you can talk right there and I think that's one of the great things about the day boxes. It's a catalytic to get you to do things you might not naturally do right and I guarantee this is going to have you talk and your wife is going. I love the time this couch, the thing that I remember most about that first weekend, remember conference that we went to was.

I remember Dennis Rainey saying we are either moving toward oneness or isolation.

Remember thinking wait, you mean I have to really work to get to oneness and if we don't were going to slip into isolation that really motivated me to think I need to do something to keep us moving forward.

And this is something yeah and that's why were encouraging listeners to be intentional and if the if the date box the dates to remember date box can help you with that.

Get this sent to your house and plan to use it Valentine's Day or before Valentine's Day having their three dates in the date box and this is kind of a recipe for pursuing oneness in your marriage. We've distilled down some of the best learning we've had over 40+ years of doing weekends to remember.

And since a lot of couples haven't been able to come to we can remember because we have been able to host them. We thought let's take the learning from the weekend, remember, and send it to people's homes so you can go to family life to a.com and ordered the dates to remember date box give me questions about it. Check it out online or call one 800 FL today also order by phone, but plan to be purposeful and and invest in time together as a couple again. Find out more about the dates to remember date box online@familylifeto.com or call to order 800-358-6329. That's 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today that tomorrow will continue this conversation. We want to talk more about how we can be purposeful and intentional how we can glean him in person oneness in our marriage relationship. Ron deals could join us again tomorrow.

Hope you can join us as well. Thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson about the pain. See you back next time for another edition of family life, family life to day is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow