Myths About Discipling Our Kids

When you have spiritual questions where you go for answers for that matter, is your seeking to raise your kids to follow Christ.

Where do you go for wisdom or for counsel, Pierce chapter, Bennis heard someone say stop googling Google and start googling the church.

You know you got older people in the church who will be happy to share some thoughts were your say hey, how did you handle this when your kids were younger how you handling it now, why do we believe that on this most important task. We should know how to do it without any this is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson.

I'm Bob Lapine can find this on my new family life today.com all of us as parents need help as we raise our kids question is where we go for help. Talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us read this quote from Spurgeon that I just found myself gone. I needed the reminder that again. He said if our children lose the crown of life. It will be small consolation that they have on morals of literature and art or sports under strong net and failure he did he say sports but the point is, Mary's, we have to remember to keep the main thing the main thing and that I remember Tim Kimball, our friend Tim Kimball usually is saying a lot of parents are thinking. I want my kid to get into a good college, have good grades make good friends get a good job and he realized were put in our ladder against the wrong wall. If we think that's what's most important.

Interesting that I was sitting with a group of pastors wives years ago and we are talking about parenting and I said what he wont like what he want for your kids is really interested in their answers.

I was, I was surprised because almost all of them said just want my kids to be happy thinking I don't make is to be happy and to be four years I went and marked their generation for Christ. I want a lot of time that happens when they're not happy right and so I think that's just a good question of what are we aiming for. Yet I read that same quote as I know a book were talking about and I read a prize, but same time you did and I I was challenged because you know I'm a pastor but I'm a coach and when I watch my kids play sports and the one made it all away the Detroit Lions locker room.

I thought that was it. This is how could be any greater than heaven Cody locker beside Calvin Johnson. This is it. And then when he's out of the NFL and pastoring with me got hit me and said so much better that your son or daughter has to be in the ministry with you, but I had the opportunity do that and it reminded me of that quote. It's like this is what really matters, making disciples who make disciples. Third John four says there is no greater joy than to know that our kids are walking in the truth and and John's talking about his spiritual children, but how much more for our biological children. No greater joy and there is no greater pain for a parent than when your kids are walking in the truth. Chap Bettis is joining us on family life today chap welcome back chap is an author of speaker. He's got a book called the disciple making parents that were talking about this week, and a number of other resources. In fact, you got a website called the disciple making current.com. You are committed to helping moms and dads understand the priority of discipleship and understand how to accomplish that as a razor.

Kids God is blessed us with a with a child that will live forever to get to influence them and that's really such a high privilege and gives meaning to the messiness of the toddler years and you know those that the trials in the Spurgeon quote is one you've included in your book and you talk in your book about some of the myths parents have about parenting and I thought this was really good yeah other menu mentioned three minutes in. You know they sort of come off of some of the statue quote in there which Unisource carried a 60% almost 60% of kids that were in church every week of their life when they did, age 29, and I'm going to church and so as parents we see those kind of things were like oh my goodness, what am I will I need to do to be as disciple making parent in a lovely as I go. Here's the myths that we all have so I'd love to have you talk but I'll read until you talk about in the first one was myth number one the perfect environment will guarantee that my children follow the Lord well that's just like us is not true. You know what it what was wrong with the garden that Adam and Eve turned away. What did Jesus do wrong with you know Judas sin comes on the hard drive of our kids hearts enough so I one center gets together with another center and creates a little center so the perfect environment is not going to change them if it's it's really a heart issue and yet we trying yet the perfect environment.

Every parent, Marianne. I felt this way at the I think Marion more than me. It was like give me the recipe all absolute. I will follow this recipe to the letter because nothing matters more than my kids being where they are. So just tell me what to do to do yet. If I need to stand on my head for 30 minutes and I you know if I if I need to read them. The Bible for 15 minutes at night should be 15 or 20 which one works. Every parent is looking for that formula. There's no formula is well and that's in the introduction, I direct this is a playbook or a guidebook that you that this active process of your your actively coaching and you got different dynamics in your marriage or if you're single parent you got different dynamics of family of church and then the personality themselves and so this active hands-on process where you're using discernment.

There is no formula does not like baking a cake and myth number two. The ultimate goal of my Christian life is to have my children follow the Lord well that's it is a good thing. It is a really good thing that can be a God thing again for Your idol but I read that one I thought, but that feels right. That is my goal is that my kids.

I mean, if this really matters should not be the biggest thing within their actually controlling my walk with the Lord, you know, my joy is in the Lord, not in my circumstances. And so if we have a teenage meltdown will then I'm down in the dumps because I know my my job I got a walk with the Lord, or if they're an older prodigal.

It is, is incredibly painful but it's not the ultimate thing I'm going to follow the Lord no matter what.

Jonathan Edwards. I was one of his resolutions resolved.

I will follow the Lord even if no one else does Lee talk about.

It's easy to let our kids become an idol. Talk about that because I see that all the time. It's just easy to follow into that without being aware we live in a child centered culture and I think that is the Hardest Way, Christians have to be different mice. My son play baseball and I was complementing another dad on you know his son was regrouped really really good and he said to me.

He thanked me and then he said, after all, what else is there and I thought yeah this is it this is it and and yet for us.

We want our children to see that we serve the Lord. I mean I said it this way. I will die for you, but I will not live for you.

You know I got the I give my life but when honor the Lord and I look for something bigger than you could hear children at the center of our universe. That's way too heavy of responsibility and I like it and then it just changes the dynamic of the family. Now where now they are controlling them, and were talking about before. If if there upset, you know, oh Mike my worlds out of out of whack will will know it's part of being a good parent is sometimes your children don't like you and that's okay. And so in a similar way to say, and my children are not going control my life. I want to serve them, but to serve them in a way of maturity which brings sometimes brings hard, hard times, but ultimately I serve the Lord and then and then if I'm married and my spouse is second important is really easy. I know we've all done it to let your children determine your happiness based on how they're doing, and especially for moms.

I do know that dads that ruled my emotion control every I think dances well maybe I don't know if it's different for moms I know for me and I've seen this often. You know in your your child's young you're going to church your teaching him all the stuff you read Bible verses at night, your plan all the great music and they just are just their faith seems strong, and they receive it in their awesome and then to become teenagers you know they start asking questions and maybe they start sneaking off and doing thing I like going to church now and here dads the pastor offers OR they start party and drink in whatever and as a Christian parent. You think I failed it your idol because idols determine your happiness in your your your seek in life and that and I think parents at that moment think I failed to the future's going to even get worse and I always say don't judge your parenting when their teenagers wait till they are 30 and now I have a 34-year-old, so they say. Went to their 40th thing I'm saying it's almost like and we used to sometimes get in a little bit of an argument because I be like I want them and expect them to fail.

I don't want that you know but it isn't the worst thing in the world if they get drunk and again I'm not a minutes you never want that to happen, but unlike many cats can use that to get to the disciple that were were trying to raise 10 years from now, five years from now, this could be a pivotal moment. It's okay I we get to be a part of them. Understanding what they did send wise five years. Another me a college whatever warning you know, at least now the Stiller roof.

We can help walk them through that journey out of that Valley had that the reality is your child's sin nature is going to emerge in some way in their life.

It could emerge as pride and self-righteousness.

It could emerge as thinking I'm doing it all right therefore I'm one of the good people right.

I'm in so we have to be aware that just as our sin loses out of us your child's sin is going on. Pop out of them. So if it pops out. As they got drunk one night when nobody wants that. Like you said, but if it pops out that they think the Miss perfect that's as much of a problem and we have this is a part of disciple making right for you and if I can speak to both of those things I think this is especially moms are so invested in their kids to say my identity is not tied up with my kids. My identities in Christ and I want to be a faithful parent. Not not a perfect parent and not even dependent upon the outcome so our kids salvation is not by works, so it's not not by their works and is not by our works so weak we can't have the perfect environment and sin comes on the hard drive of our kids. So yeah, especially the identity and then in the day what you are speaking about with with coming out in the teen years I include in the book on that one of the chapters in prayer just praying that secret sin would come out and I told my kids that. Sigh. I did tell it all night until as manipulation and serious like I'm hoping that this comes up and when it comes out, you freak out a little bit right you get caught, but that's God's grace. It is you'd rather them but get caught stealing 14 and 24 when you can deal with it when you can and talk about an odd and sometimes I've seen where that's the time to say hey you really following the Lord, are not so hopefully there's the church is giving the parents are giving each other grace and saying you're you've been faithful and this is good. That's the sin nature's coming up to talk to parents, especially moms because I think I really do think we can tend to get our identity tied up in our kids a lot. Help us to now how do we not do that well.

I think some of that is scripturally realizing that my identity I think part of it is being a part of the church and having older moms to give us give us some influence there because I think if your peers are all younger moms then your here all in it together here in it together, which is good but but then there's also this may be comparison.

I don't know I don't want to throw stones and moms here but there's this comparison. There's this fear. How my doing as a mom and so then you start to micromanage some of these things and and like you, and they were talking about a minute ago were were some of these bad things come out there like, oh, life is life is over.

Life is ruined.

I failed. I think just remembering first love the Lord second your wife if you're married and then you're also church member, you need to get you need to keep honoring the Lord there and oh yeah I have some kids that I love them to that gets into your third myth, which is it's all up to me you know as a parent you think it's all on me in your answer to that is you need you need a body you need a community talk about that a little bit because I think sometimes in the church we can almost hide because we think our kids need to be perfect and everybody else's kids are because were all church people were afraid of judgment, and so we just sort hide and we feel we become isolated, you know, because we don't want to walk into him really struggling. Then I could really struggle, and we just want to say but the church is there to say how how can we come alongside you right yeah yeah well it we we could go golf all the way back to make disciples. The command is surrounded by two promises authorities been given to me and I'm with you always. So the Holy Spirit Lord show me give it give us wisdom, but part of that wisdom comes from the church body and you have heard someone say stop googling Google and start googling the church. You know you got older people in the church who will be happy to share some thoughts, but they're afraid of telling you things, because they don't want to appear judgmental, you know, like the old church lady who's going around the community together eat you have to be humble and and find other people were saying hey how is this how did you handle this when your kids were younger. How are you handling it now, why do we believe that on this most important task.

We should know how to do it without any help that it's itching to think of how your kids will learn from the people you connect them to at the church as well of the store in your book where your daughter says I want to become like in your thinking. Tell tell a story. This is spontaneous and we we had a great church community and and what I love about the disciple making parent as it was other watching other families who have the same thoughts and were the same been trying to work is working together and you know you're pouring your life in your kids and then finally you know they get old enough and they're starting to be self-aware and they say, when I things. My oldest daughter. She said that I do not want to be like when I grow up. Yeah, your mom and that she said she's as you know, this is Mr. Besson fell in and this is right there just there so joyful. I was okay, no, no, no, actually that's really good that's really good that were in the community and she's an and is a six-year-old. She's observing and so that's him and I think that's part of the issue to realize is the people our friends are influencing our kids so we want to be around people who love the Lord and also I am a person who is influencing your child and I want to take that seriously, I'm not even a Sunday school teacher, but I'm your friend and so you know were hanging out and so now I can speak about how much I respect you or you know have some influence that way in a positive, but I remember when our three sons were very little and I started praying for mentors death in their life because we knew as they grow older they going to receive truth better.

Sometimes from somebody else than just mom and dad and they see all the mess in your house are not actually on so I merely to start praying and had no ideas gagging into this.

Who could be and I'm sitting here now with a 34-year-old 31-year-old 29-year-old and a Mike or my goodness.

God provided Frank God provided Ryan God provided Rob in you. It's really itching. Frank was an attorney in our church and he started leaving a small group of our oldest son CJ, when is a middle school right is 11 yeah 11 years old and they still connect. I mean the whole group. Every year they get in a van in a drive south to where Frank's parents have a houseboat and they spent a week in house, but the small group from middle school and are all you know married men down a Mike look at what God did with Frank ever. One time Cody was in a group. My youngest in high school and they were all down in our basement and run in a row absently in their group and I decide this awesome on that one winter realtor doing and actually you open the door and I go down, but he just stick my ear down the stairwell and I hear them talking.

These middle school boys about sexual temptation and a Mike man is awesome that somebody else is talking about that but no, I did.

I just smiled and said thank God for Rob. Stepping into the really tough issues that middle school boys are asking questions about and giving them the word of God, and it wasn't me, not that I don't need to do that as well. But what a gift you know the church can be to helping you raise disciples my kids will tell you that I had this conversation with them. I would say I want you to look around for somebody who's 5 to 10 years older than you and you look at their life and you say I'd like my life to look like that five or 10 years from now and then I want you to hang out with them and say what did you do to get to where you are and I would ask them. Have you picked out your person if you got somebody and I remember when my sons and yeah my person is this person I went know that when what I had in mind that that's not but I I said what is it about that person. What is it that you're drawn to her.

What a what you appreciate about them and we were able of those conversations I'd I didn't just want somebody to enter into my child's life I wanted my kids to be saying who do I who's gonna be my Paul Yvonne Timothy was my Paul because we all need that.

The way home and so to actively engage your kids in the process of who are you looking at who what when they're in elementary school. Who's the person in high school that you would like to your high school to look like when when you grow up. Follow that person find out what got him that I agree with that. Even my friends, we discipled each other's daughters because we hung out so much that daughters were kind of being drawn to one another's friends and so this is perfect situation, but can't take us into your family. What does that look like, what is it look like with you and your wife over the years as you've discipled your kids why I think a backup and say one of the things that I hear from parents even churchgoing parents is I can't do this but I don't know what to do. You know you if you look at the life of Jesus.

Jesus taught the crowds and he made disciples.

He healed the sick, and he made disciples.

And you know he went to wedding is making disciples so this is integrated into our life. It's not like okay we had to do this intense program for three weeks or 30 weeks or whatever. It's just part of life where as I'm doing life as I'm taking care of my house going out for a trip as I'm taking care of the animals. Whatever.

I'm also making disciples and thinking about that. So there routines that are part of my life. I'm thinking about that how how is the gospel being passed and II think if you look at the life of Jesus. They were five things I've sort of narrowed it down to five model love teach servant pray this again so that that he models it.

We were I talked about that before, so are our kids seeing me read my Bible so positively are.

Are they fixing me read my Bible. Are we going to church and end which I would argue, I don't know to step on toes here, but I'm a big believer in a paper Bible because it only your kids don't know if you're looking at your phone whether your looking at Instagram you're looking at a Bible.

So do my kids seemingly my Bible do they like we talked about earlier to hear me talking about Jesus so positively modeling so I think that's a big thing thinking about that for for my wife and me and then loving model love is there love in her home in our home is meant to display the Trinity and certainly Ephesians 6 talks about obedience and we should raise our children to obey us, but I think fundamentally, the question is there joy in our home we reflecting the joy of the Trinity. Not all the time. Not perfectly. I know you know but that is not our goal and are we emotionally connected. One thing I did to stay emotionally connected trying steak emotionally connected as a busy pastors. I take my kids out on doughnut dates so just you know sometimes are so busy and we have four kids two years apart so you know you sit down and like what's your name again your best friend and what grade are you in and so that I think that's just a very practical thing a big win for dad's busy dads in a 45 minutes five bucks to take your kids outgoing having you have to little box. The disciple making parents doughnut date channel 70 questions connect to your child's heart. I love this because I think a lot of parents don't know what I like you and so you took your kids tell us what you did well yeah so it in my calendar. It was once a week, so it's not like I was taking four kids out each week so just want once a week.

I'm going to the donut place and who's turn is it they fail course. Remember, you know and need to got a doughnut and the strawberry milk big deal you know and and I'm sitting asking questions and I don't even think I realized it at this point, but looking back I so I would write down the answers partly really is for me to remember, but I think that indicated importance to them. I saw dad might my 20-year-old son and I were out having breakfast and I saw another dad with his daughter, assuming in my hometown, not Christian like yes you're doing it, and then he pulled out his phone number like men. The issue is not the breakfast issue is connecting giving her your attention full attention. I love that you have a letter that your 22-year-old daughter route and if this but she said I can remember clearly the excitement of my eight-year-old self. When it was my turn to go out with dad every few weeks we would try doing doughnut Right down the route. Not only did I get to stuff my mouth with colorful sprinkles and strawberry milk and I got dad all to myself.

He would ask questions like who my best friends. Where are my favorite subject in school all my answers were written down in a maroon journal that was just for my dates with dad. This was a sweet and cherished tradition carried on for many years. I was stearate reading at thinking as a young girl this child so much like here important to me. I want to know you and I want to know about your life and I bet that relationship at that daughter and all your kids is still close because you took the time you are intentional to be with them and even write it down.

That's that's genius. It continues to get out of an end and obviously my wife is done that and and guys it's it's somewhat different in the guys like to be shoulder to shoulder, you know, rather than face-to-face some time but but it's not a date. It's a hang out at what we still hang we we did a couple of manhood training with the boys sweep out on Saturday morning for a biscuit or something I'd say this is manhood training and we talk about how does a boy become a mailman what is that mean an end. That was part of how we tried to do with our boys so yeah good dates with the girls and an identity with our blaming part of.

I think what you're also doing is you're making deposits because then there are times when their withdrawals to America. There were a couple of guy dates sort of come to Jesus they talk about how your acting and and why it's not okay but what was cool was that the context was already there so wasn't like you are invading the room.

You okay we need to talk about this sorghum have a serious talk. There was a time in the space to set this is important in your some correction that I think it's Kita also say when they become teenagers that often ends for mom and dad because they're pulling away, and we think all they don't want to be with us in the opposite is true.

They are pulling away. They should pull away the become adults, but we have to pursue because that time is still precious to them, even though they may never say it out loud, it's critical and you're disciple making responsibilities don't. And when they hit 12 so you have to be adapting and changing. You've got a have a book like chaps book to help you navigate through these years. Thanks for being with us and for taking us into this content. This is so good my joy now what we have got chaps book available in our family life today resource Center to go to family life today.com and look for the book, the disciple making parent. In fact, if you are interested in the audiobook chapters. Can you make that available to all of our blisters for free. You can go to family life today.com for information on how you can download a copy of the disciple making parent audiobook for free in the website is family life today.com if you'd like to order the paper book. It's available for order online as well go to family life today.com or call us at 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. By the way, let me also mention family life's art of parenting video series. This series is a great course for you and others to go through together and talk about the essential components of raising healthy, strong, godly kids, information about the art of parenting is available online as well go to family life today.com or family questions call us at one 800 FL today.

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