Understanding Your Child’s Feelings

There's a connection between our emotions that things were feeling and the godly virtues that the spirit is working to produce in the lives of believers as parents we want to help our children understand that connection as they learn how to grow and walk in grace. Here's Josh Straub. If you're growing in this fruit dispute. If you're walking with God.

We should be seeing ourselves becoming more kind to other people being more loving of other people stepping into the shoes of other people and just being able to empathize with them in a conversation where it's not about me about my story is not about what I can get out of this relationship. It's about your story and how can I serve you. This is family like today hosts are David and Wilson and Bob Lapine. How can we help our children process their emotions and then know how to respond to those emotions in a godly way to talk about that today with Josh and Kristi Straub stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us so II want to kinda deal with an epic parent fail in the beginning. Here you had a confession I don't think there was ever a time when my kids were growing up.

I really cannot remember a time when a guy looked at them and said so are you feeling right I'm in I don't know that I was even conscious of the fact that that was something I should be.

Not one time. I don't.

I may have. I tell you, above you are looking across the table at the mom who asked that question every day to our kids that was. This was big for you as yes it to me. I like it.

I really say I don't know you gave dad a lot like what you feeling he takes. I don't know what I say I'm angry as you keep asking me to have archives and lows of the day we raised three sons. I would say give me a high and low, so on the high and low I would always ask a feeling word with the wedding that make you feel and you can't say good or bad. It has to be feeling word. So where did that come from for you. I mean, why did that. Is that something that happened in your home when you know I think it was because I had sons and marriage is such a big topic and it's so instrumental to us and it's so important for legacy and future because I had sons. I thought they need to know what they feel and to be able to communicate and I understood this very well when our nine-year-old I was walking out of his bedroom at night. It said lucky CJ and he said Letty to mom but not mom told me one time you never have to tell me again and I thought his poor wife is sinking into the insight that I need to help them with their feelings to better communicate that marriage hopefully will help a lot of moms and dads avoid my fail because we've got the doctor just rub is what Kristi joining us today because welcome to family life today.

Thank you so much for honor to be here. Josh is been here before Kristi is your first time here, and this is something that you guys are both pretty passionate about. Did it start with you Kristi or start with your husband starting more when Josh and I were both counselors by trade and education.

So I think work Artie come from that angle of life that Josh's EE will you can tell your story of how you do into the research really was when we started having babies your parents ask you that question in my know the feeling I had amazing parents.

But we we talked more about sports or it wasn't necessarily about her feelings, so I was a counselor and I've been working you know what juvenile delinquents and troubled families and and I had studied my doctors in counseling, but as an attachment base so it's all about you know emotional safety and security, and the importance of that for kids and I remember when we first had kids early years of rate of having babies was awful. Kristi Aziz, let's loudly give it give me a feeling word disappointing exhausted angry angry when I realized was that there were so many decisions we had to make early on, so you can even leave the hospital before you make a decision about whether not you can immunize your children, you have the breast-feeding bottlefeeding debates you have the cosleeping debates you have spanking not spanking timings times all of these and we didn't even touch BPA free products are gluten free diets are and it's like when you first become parents. It's like so overwhelming and so for us. We were like going to minute were little bit older. I was 31. We got married and so little bit older, having kids, we feel like we've counseling degrees like what like how can this be so difficult like and so I went back in the research and I just started looking at if from a 90-year-old grandfather or great-grandfather and I'm sitting in my rocking chair. I'm looking back through the years. When I asked myself what would've really mattered what did matter in raising those kids. It's not can be the bottlefeeding of the breast-feeding or the you know the spanking or not spanking. But what really would've mattered in every research study that I looked at for every major outcome we would want our kids linked back to emotional safety and the ability for them to be able to understand what they're feeling why they're feeling that way. And the reason is because that leads to empathy and it leads to relationships and it was like whoa so we have to get so caught up in all these other little things. Let's keep the endgame in mind. And that's where it all started.

You guys and I should mention this earlier created a book for parents to read with their kids to their kids, I'm thinking you could start this when there were three years old right and fill in the book is called what am I feeling and it's a kids book.

It's a giant size picture book with lots of color and lots not a lot of words in it and at the end of the book there's a chart I saw the chart. My thought of those charts in the hospital you know where on the pain continued on a scale wanted to have you friendly faces, but this is got nine different feeling faces and words that go with that, all designed to help our kids be able to kinda self diagnose what's going on in my heart yeah and at the end of the day.

I think one of the biggest goals for all of us is to raise kids who love God and love others well and I can remember I was working with juvenile delinquents, that's who have worked with mostly my counseling years in the very first thing that I would do with any juvenile appointment that I met with was I would get my feelings chart because part of my counseling with them was to help them get to a place with a feel remorse for their victims. Well, the reality was was most of these guys pretty much every single one I ever met didn't have a relationship with their dad didn't know who their dad was or there was just brokenness there some level and was never feelings talked about. They couldn't even define what they were feeling. And so when Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself. Reality was his.

These kids didn't even love themselves. They didn't know how to let anyone what they were feeling. And so for all of us to be able to truly know what were feeling and why were feeling that way. That's the beginning of empathy. It's the beginning of being able to step into the shoes of another person and love them well is for us to be able to recognize what it is worth feeling and take care of ourselves and I think that was really where if we can get this in our kids at an early age. I mean it is early as the preschool years. This is the foundation we know we get so caught up in the hard skills, like the mouth and the site they'll learn new skills, but if you can set those soft skills early on, man. Your set them up for a lifetime of success so one of the things he said is a sign of a healthy brain is being able to verbalize what we feel and why we feel it was fascinating to me. Why is that a sign yet healthy brain that's the beginning of being able to control your emotions so we know we talk a lot about anger being a secondary emotion right like so one of the exercises will typically do, especially with someone who's in relationship to early marriages is will do this chair exercise where you have two chairs sitting one in front of the other and to what ends up happening is the anger is what's being in the front chair. That's what's coming out that my wife like when I'm mad at Christie and I'm coming out in anger. It's usually anger in that front chair and so would a lot of times we'll do is we'll have couple say okay now that you've express the anger I want you to go sit in that second chair and tell me what's behind the anger and so a lot of times our behaviors.

What we say to one another. How we act one another because we don't understand what were feeling. We don't know what were feeling and eventually long-term as it relates to our overall health. Our physical bodies feel when were suppressing emotion. So, I mean ultimately it Proverbs 1632 says I love this verse. Patients is better than power and controlling one's emotions than capturing the city.

We can't control your emotions if you don't know what your motion is so Christie and think about a three-year-old who is just raw emotion, frightening things not gone the way they wanted to go and it's pretty clear to everybody in the room that they don't like what's going on in that moment and I watched my kids do this with their kids in that moment. They're trying to help their kids put words to what is it you're feeling right now. What's going on or they're saying things like, I know you're feeling frustrated there, giving them the vocabulary again I'm taken back this some I never did. Why is this so important. I think this is why when you look in a timely epic meltdown in need of target or something. And if you had kids you can relate because it's just pure raw emotion anger we feel emotions in this early in our body, but until we're taught me just like color seven.

This is the color red. We know what that feels like. We don't know what that is, until week 15 out.

My cheeks are hot your fist or clench your teeth are clenched teeth. You feel like the sum of hot rage go through your bike can mean if we think back to as a toddler feels huge and a little bite huge in our bodies and their learning template labels. It's like organizing and calming the brain, and that's when feelings chart so powerful, especially for young children, really, and even adults so you'll see a lot of adults men were typically not sure why that is.

The hitmen were typically maybe never been given emotional language where they could grow up in a home where feelings were not talked about certain feelings where dismissed or punished or maybe certain feelings are prioritized over others and not the whole thing that even in Alaska's parents of young children coming so often we can inadvertently get our kids the message that I want you to be something typically happy. It's a message that the child receives that happiness is is the desired emotion that mom and dad want from me. So what happens when they start to feel something in their body. That's not concurrently happy they can start to learn from a very early age to pretend and this is where we start staffing and we can learn very early on to these false senses of being of not being our true selves because we are having to hide what is actually true of us and some for a child to learn at an early age to look at a face to talk about mirror neurons are mirror neurons are wet. Basically, the baby hears a loud noise. They look to their caregiver mom or dad to see like should I be scared or am I okay and when mom smiles it. He says restart me and attach housewares that they see a big reaction at all. I am to be scared and so they react with fear.

So what were you teaching kids to do early on is to look at another face the slightly tight they look and asked to start to mirror what Chile looks like this looks likely anger with fear looks like and when they can start to see what that looks like in another face they can start to really organize that the brain was interesting as I look through your book, especially the chart here is what I thought know you're doing this.

This is true. I thought this is as much adult parent training as a child I need. This is your undercover is like I want when Anna and I get in a fight. I want to build a walk over the wall go right there that's on feeling I want appointed angry or jealous, organizing, and so how much of this is the child learning how to process and emotion by watching mom and dad or mom or dad. Understanding how the day because I think a lot of parents don't even know how so that's what were transferring rather than the opposite.

You figured it out.

Kids not because parents have time to read to kids that take their kids that really it's not just for the kids. We all need this and so many vastly maybe just corrupt in a home where there were certain emotions that took over Nina could be a cop in a household that there is a lot of anger present and a lot of fear that could have been my grief or sadness. If I mean a lot of us have lived in homes where there is mental illness. So there might be anxiety, depression, and there might've been lots of assembling, we grow up feeling ending certain feelings and even as adults we come kind of limping into parenthood, carrying our own stories and were not always sure how do we organize that for ourselves. We were at a conference where my dad was talking about. He's a younger dad with younger kids for kids that he said my kids are so emotional.

He said I come from an abusive past my dad was only in the home for a while, but it was abusive.

I don't feel anymore. Those were his words. I don't feel anymore. So my kids are so emotional. I keep telling him stop and I don't know what to do that with his question was why you what would you say to that, dad.

Yeah.

And I think one of the biggest things is just to not be afraid of the emotion. I think that's where we have is as families as adults. Growing up, you know, I think we a lot of us at least my parents were divorced. We were just taught to not talk about emotion because it just didn't feel good. So it was dismissed.

It was as if it was an important thing to do is not be afraid of it. I think when we as adults are afraid of the emotion we pass that on to our kids to be afraid of it. The reality is you don't have to fix it. There's nothing to fix. All you're doing is listening to what is going on in the little heart and mind of that child and allowing them a place to feel safe enough to talk about it.

Bob Goff put in pretty much one Instagram post. What takes us an entire book to describe each. He said be the adult you needed when you were a child when you're going through pain when you're going through emotional pain.

When you've just lost you found out you lost your job or you know your spouse is leaving you or you've lost a parent what you need in that moment someone just to put their hand on your back or give you a hug our kids.

That's what they need to.

And so when there's all this emotion just sitting with them in being that person. That's right there with them and you know sometimes. Sure, maybe something does need fixed or to be problem solved, and you can problems all through that.

But until our brains are calm down. Our kids are living in fight or flight mode, and we know through neuroscience research that when you're in fight/flight mode you not thinking straight. And so to get our kids to think straight.

That's why when her kids are overwhelmed.

We want we want to give them a lecture. His name was and was anyway and so when we can be safe enough to help calm their brain.

Now we can enter into problem-solving mode because they can think straight.

And so they feel safe to do it. I can imagine honestly would could have been different in my upbringing. Think about this you don't know this but I mom and dad married 25 years my dad walks out so divorce some seven years old and my little brother five and half years old dies.

About six months later of leukemia and we moved to another state, it would of been wonderful if my mom could put a chart up on the wall and said David we feel it out. Well, you know, I never processed it never really even talk that it wasn't like you were allowed to, and it would been nice for my Montville go you imagine the pain. She wears her unveiling here's what were feeling. Because now it's just us now trying to forge a new life water resource. You know, again, not just for the children, but for the adults and for the parents as well is there's an interesting quote. If on your book that I love you talk about because it it leads from the emotional stability to the spiritual maturity and you make this, and I'm the thing about my own life about how to grow up spiritually become mature when there's this broken this emotionally in my life and so many people's lives you make this comment yet.

I don't think you can really be spiritually mature listener, emotionally mature talk about that you know it's interesting because Ann and I think I heard peace because there'll talk about that a number of years ago emotionally healthy spirituality. This idea that you can only be a spiritually mature as you are emotionally mature you think about the fruit of the spirit, love and joy and peace and patience and kindness and gentleness and faithfulness and goodness and self-control. But those are all intertwined together right you have a personality that's no gentle or you can have a personality that's you know patient but to have all those intertwined together is a fruit of the spirit, but that takes emotional maturity as well. Like is if you're growing in this fruit of the spirit of your walking with God. We should be seeing ourselves becoming more kind to other people being more loving of other people stepping into the shoes of other people and just being able to empathize with them in a conversation where it's not about me it's not about my story is not about what I can get out of this relationship.

It's about your story and how can I serve you.

My thinking about emotions.

I think throughout my life is been emotional maturity means I'm in control of my emotions.

I hear you saying it's more than just being in control of your emotions. You can be in control of them without necessarily diving and understanding them, and fully feeling them in your sin, no emotional maturity goes beyond just being able to turn it down right which is nothing essentially acting and touched on this really what I think were seeing in a generation of people humans, especially this next generation that's raising our younger generation is a lot a numbing meaning that whatever we can do to shut down in the ocean and that is not emotional health impact, emotional health is the ability to feel the entire range emotion which is everything from that typically labeled positive emotions and happiness joy to the typically labeled negative emotions, fear, anger or sadness. The grief the things we don't like to feel when I learned in my own personal journey that Julian happiness are no more important in my life than being able to feel anger, sadness, grief that those negative emotions are just as important in the ability to come in and out. If that's not to live – in order to be able to come in and out of the notion and that's how we want our kids to so typically we get triggered by certain emotions, but you're talking to this early certain feelings that we do not like to see in our kids. We don't like them. If the kids it's triggering something in our story and that's something that even just put a pot not just to pay attention to just put your finger on it when I can tell you that he now gets angry and cries if there is if there is a fear I go to the roof okay coming from young to fix it.

You just starting to pay attention. That's I'm not the beginning were just starting to let them feel and are self-sealing just get a little bit curious when I read my Bible and it says don't be hungry. Don't fear so you're saying I should embrace those things. Even though the Bible saying no, don't let me look at Jesus writing the table, flipper, and I think that's where you know as parents we we also need to teach our kids that we self-control right in my favorite line in the back is feeling is just a feeling it's not in charge of.

So it's one thing to feel the feeling and then we get to put on the brakes and self-control and that's where our younger generation goes the opposite extreme.

Today, of if I'm feeling something that means I can act on that feeling and the reality is, is that's not biblically accurate. If you take a look at what am I feeling the children's book. It really is. Philippians 4 put into practice. So when Paul was writing from prison.

By the way, which I'm sure not very good conditions comparable to America's prisons. Today he's writing. Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving so your your gratitude towards God alone and saying God, thank you that you're a good God, thank you that you care for me. Thank you that you love me.

Thank you to my securities and you I'm anxious right now I'm scared right now. I'm sad right now feeling rejected right now in prayer and supplication make your requests be made known to God. So really what Paul is saying here I talk about Paul being the first neuroscientist Paul was saying voice. Label your anxiety.

Label your feelings, give them over to God in thanksgiving and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And it's not until after that the rights finally, brothers and sisters whatever Stroop you or anything excellent, praiseworthy, what think on these things.

I think Paul understood that one were overwhelmed in negative emotion. We don't think straight. And so I believe in a finite way.

That's our job as parents is to be that peace that can calm our kids brains when they're emotionally overwhelmed and that's what we hope that really you could do with this book is to say what you feeling right now and then let's ask God to take a deep breath and let's ask God what to do with that feeling. Can you think of a time in the last two months with the scrub kids where you've had one of these.

Let's process and work through this moment with your get all my work with you yesterday for your we walked through. This is our son. He was going to a really difficult time. Exodus is that love is going back a little bit because this is actually one of the stories in the came he was going to a new school and just experiencing a lot of fear, but he didn't know how to put that into words so it was coming out in he was shutting down. He was acting completely out of character enough to take him into the bathroom. Literally every single morning at schools.

I'm dropping them off coming in nervous which I didn't know at first about something funny like all your breakfast driving your school is working its way through your system and then come to realize I mean this is coming. He's a mean heat you physically seeing the effect that he couldn't heat.

He would cry he was there was acting out there with anger.

I mean, it was covered this whole nonsense stuff, which is what emotions obviously come out and I remember one morning this is Munson to school. We encourage in every morning and were cheering them on, and encouraging in that he was feel like and he said mom I just feel so flippy in my tummy like that's a great description of fear like I know what that feels like. So we use that description in the blood flippy in my tummy but it was when he started to figure out what he was feeling was fear that it started to at least put it in a box where it was like I'm afraid to go to school. That's what that's all this is all this can come out sideways often right when we're not dealing well with an emotion. It will come out sideways somehow so that once that's identified and you can so you know what you're feeling. This fear goes yeah that is what I'm feeling now what you do to help deal with.

I think this is where we as adults get to be part of their mentor's we get to be there models and we get to show them we are bigger or stronger were kind and were not putting our emotion on our kids and I think that's sort of an extreme parents can sometimes go to, not meaning to, but we actually put the weight of our mission on our kids. So if you know there's tension in the marriage. If there's sadness at this depression.

If you and the kids start to carry.

Let mom and dad are feeling. That's not – it's but it's showing our kids that we failed to use that number and I think there was one day, actually same same can get a test at school and he was real nervous about it and send it on. We were actually going to speak that day and I was speaking to the big group of people and I was nervous and I said betting Emily is to go do something today and I'm honestly really scared to say how about you go to school and you do your testing. You do the thing that scares you hanging a call and I get to do the thing that scares me. And then maybe when we come home tonight take I think we can talk about it maybe will feel a little more brave and I think I think in those moments you know they start to recognize and never can outgrow fear never can outgrow sadness.

It's not going to go away. It's just a part of life, but it doesn't get to be in charge of us. I was like in the you were just saying adults still have flippy in their tell me what a great phrase in we all have been and what you just shared even just when you walk through Philippians 4.what an action step for somebody listening to this program right now. What if right now you named it you send your book name it to tame it yeah yeah you know you can't really get control of an emotion until you identify and flippy is for six and seven is sort of that process. Your eyeballs in neurosciences.

Yeah, it's that he's a PhD counselor say and got a speak this out loud to God that anxious to worry. What if we did that right now you get out tonight before we did with our children what would that look like to say, God, I'm going to speak this out to you and thank you in all things is a form of confession and walk through the process.

What you you walk us through earlier.

What a beautiful, beautiful way to name it and process it with God and the model that with your children and you know how it is with kids books. I mean, this is not something you will read to them once, but your to read this book what my feeling over and over again on a lot of kids at home. But when my grandkids.dinosaurs love tacos.

Did you know they'll make jewelry that makes you so what if one of my feeling is that book that I read it again read it again and what you're doing here is not about whether dinosaurs love tacos, it's about your feelings and putting words to it and learning how to table and we get a lot of testimonies from parent saying that this is the book the kids want to pick up which is very humbling gossamer exciting because we do see this is me in our heart would be for the next generation of kids to love God and love others well dinosaurs that love tacos is the real change because life drives try Dragon is right now talking, we do have copies not of what resource Center you can go online to find out more about the book order a copy of the title is what am I feeling by Josh and Kristi Straub website is family life today.com, also called order one 800 FL today so you the website family life today.com. The phone number one 800 F. L. Today, the 2000 358-6329 in the book is called what am I feeling helping kids learn to manage big feelings in little bodies now. We hope that your celebration of the birth of Christ.

Tomorrow is a great time for you. Hope you're able to be together with friends or with family to celebrate the holidays. I know this is hard this year. Lots of families were normally together are not able to be together this year because of health and safety concerns. Our hope is that how you will find your joy and your peace and your contentment in Christ and that there is a way to connect with your family this year will be to say thank you to those of you who are prayed for us and who have supported this ministry throughout the year were grateful for your financial support and this is a this is the right time of year to say thank you for how you have supported us in what has been a tough year for all of us so we appreciate you and we are grateful. We hope you have a Merry Christmas and we hope you'll have some time tomorrow when you can tune in and hear part two of our conversation with Josh and Kristi Straub as we continue talking about how our kids can identify exactly what it is feeling put a name to the process. Those emotions learn how to do that in a God honoring way. Hope you can join us for that think our engineer today along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Payne see you back on Christmas Day for another edition of family family life today is the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow