A Panel Discusses the Complexities of Stepfamilies and Holidays

Our first Christmas is a disaster because we had never discussed our expectations. He worried expectations are really how our customs might fit together. This is a point of contention will the first few Christmases is a step I contention the expectation you need measure up. I would get angry when my stepsons were happy with their gifts or they didn't think they got in from their father with everything that you decided that was very frustrating and as a result of those spoken expect nations both assuming things would happen the way for and it didn't expect teaching, I would get angry and created some really feeling this is family like today hosts are David and Wilson about being confined to someone family like today.com Christmas is coming and so are the expectations. What are your human intact family were a blended family need to be ready. Stay with us and welcome to family life today.

Thanks for joining us a chance to eavesdrop today on the conversation. The for a lot of families this issue this week. I mean this is the issue right blended families trying to navigate the holidays. Who is where when it's hard enough in an intact family. I think the complications of a blended could even be harder and I remember I was in a blended family and Christmas was I so hated it because I would have Christmas morning with my mom who I lived with and I have get on a plane, usually by about noon on Christmas to fly to Florida with my dad and stepmom were and do Christmas with palm trees and your mom was alone.

My left are all by yourself.

So yeah it's it's a unique different deal run deal who works your family life gives leadership to family life blended and has the family like blended podcasts that many of our listeners listen to regularly. He talked about long ago to a couple of blended family authors, people who live this center, helping others, and then he got up a studio audience.

Together they interacted and removed.

I've been here some of this interaction that takes place between all of these folks in and help blended families get ready for what's coming up this week.

But before we do that were in the last 10 days of 2020, which any of us are going woo hoo yes very excited 2020 2021.

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Total that's available to us. So were hoping to take full advantage of what is now a $2.7 million matching gift total to take advantage of that. We need to hear from you today go to family like today.com make an online donation or call one 800 FL today to donate and thank you in advance for what you're able to do and let me wish you an early Merry Christmas we hope you and your family have a great Christmas season and if you are a blended family. We hope you get some encouragement today from the conversation were here is run deal talks with Laura Pepper Bridge and Judy Parsley L talking about expectations during the Christmas season and then once he's interacted with them. There are people in the studio audience that will interact over what they've heard talking about expectations for blended families during the Christmas season. Well, the first few Christmases as a step I couldn't deal with the tension, the expectations I would get angry when my stepsons were happy with their gifts or they didn't think they got enough from their father. That was very frustrating. My early stepfamily Christmases I had too great of an expectation too much of a Norman Rockwell view in my head of what Christmas was going to be as we progressed as a stepfamily. I learned to lower my expectations.

I learned to keep focus on what was important. I learned what my stepsons loved about Christmas and what they didn't love about Christmas. I learned as a stepfamily unit that not to make the priority, making sure you had the kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning if that cause too much stress for them.

It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth making Christmas morning. Something to fight over.

I learned in a stepfamily that Christmas is often what you make it and if you set the expectations for the kids to be thrilled about everything. You may end up disappointed. I learned in a stepfamily that you often are not going to be able to take the step kids to church like you thought you would. I learned that my example of Christ was doing more to help them see Christmas for what it should be then preaching to them about what Christmas should be so that was author Laura Pepper Bridge from episode 15 are absent on the childless stepmom.

What are your reactions to some of her thoughts.

I like how she learned to lower her expectations of what Christmas should be the tradition in our home is that this is the day to celebrate the birth of Jesus, so it's not about you. In fact we don't go overboard with all of the gifts so if Jesus all received three gifts you not getting more of a gold frame so you get no more than Jesus.

So we do, we try to go overboard for birthday know that for his birth is not about you, and if if we teach them that day is not about you and when you don't get your way, you're not been at shape is not about to get there anything I need to get there because the pressure has always been an this pressure comes from myself so iPod pressure on myself and my husband are parents online, making sure all four children feel the same across the line where I mean first Christmas I remember counting gives you a second that is unanimous at the table okay what about for you can guess what was the need and you I didn't want to feel one thing to feel any indifference. This is my new family. This these are my new grandparents. This is my new mom, this is my new dad are stepmom stepdad I didn't want them to feel like you want to even pay attention to that and that was pressure that up for myself because if you notice kids will open one gift and they are like done shelving more towards their but they're not even paying attention to that. Ron is thinking you know the holidays are not a competition but let's say the other home. You know they go big or go home almost make it a competition this and the kids come over after they've already been there and you know you're more responsible and maybe a little bit you want to teach more the value of what Christmas is about like marsh talking about and you know they're talking about how they got, you know they made the big call and I think sometimes you can feel empty black you you did measure up to what they're getting over there and just not a good thought to have you need to come up with and be satisfied and content with what you're doing in your home and be happy with that as I will sense that and if you teach them the right thing about Christmas and what it what it really is. That's a lot more than anything, they would get gift was, but I think this Candace is talkative that pressure you don't want a child to think cool you know he's only gotten we've had in our kids accounted presence. He got to know where and when I got for right I don't know that for cost as much or more than those 10 and so I think we really lose focus on what it's all about is easy to do so. Note stock competition. I think this is so catchy because controlling the environment is really about is Candace well said controlling the heart of a child you want them to feel welcomed and parked and nobody step but everybody belongs. And so you try to control the climate of the environment such that they will feel that well when there's other homes in other parents and other players in the game. You don't get to control all those things and so you can drive yourself a little bit crazy if you think that all the externals are gonna dictate the internal of the child keeping the reason for the season forefront you staying focused on that. You heard Laura say it focus on what's important, lower your expectations about some of the things and being that example of Christ to them.

You can be loving like it didn't take any gift for you to show a child their valuable and if ultimately that's what you're trying to show them you can show them just by your time and your energy and your excitement and yes they may have questions. I got a stepbrother who got five gifts and I got to well. They went to another home but you didn't and that's the way it works, and we understand that he is another home, but whoever that so many times in the years kids going I want another home so I can me growing up I remember telling my parents, my outer brother came home with like this video console in the shoes and all.

The second I'm younger to my mama say I'm like what you do is apparent in that moment. Hey, you explain the truth of the reality, the reality is that other home isn't band jazz boy about that now you just you just explain the truth that the reality of what's going on, at least for me it's another opportunity for me to redirect them to Christ. Remember, is not a baggie it's good and I do think that the question embedded in that comment.

Hey, they got five Elliott two is MI is valuable and you can always speak to that right thing for me it wasn't so much about given the value of the gifts, but my sense dad did not stay in his life during those growing years, and he did watch his step siblings go back and forth and it wasn't about the number of gifts or the quality of the gifts, but it was about where they more value because they had all of these individuals, giving them time so I was burden in my heart about him. He was just in our home. He didn't have another home to go to and that I felt that burden for him to do the best you can explain and show them their value thinking you came. What we do listing to a conversation with Ron Diehl and some moms and dads who are part of a blended family talking about the complexity and the emotion that surrounds the holiday season, when you're in a blended family. I think it's a great thing that they're talking about expectations because we all need to talk about that before Christmas because so often were let down in the complexities I mean we all know how tough family can be at holidays and Christmas and I'll think we have any idea the complexities when you add in blended in different I mean it's it's it's such a needed topic to talk about yeah yeah what were listing two is part of an extended conversation that was featured on Ron Diehl's podcast, family life, blended the entire conversation is available for download and I'd encourage you download it listen to it. Think about it pray about it. Get ready for what's coming this week in the podcast are Ron shares a story from Judy Percy L talking about how they hadn't thought through expectations for the holiday season is a blended family and how that kinda came back to bite them.

Listen to this, our first Christmas was a disaster because we had never discussed RX dictations are really how our customs might fit together and as a result of those unspoken expectations. We are both assuming things would happen the way we can hope for. Didn't and he created some really hurt feelings sell. I think it's really important to talk about how you celebrate Thanksgiving how your family celebrates Christmas where meaningful things for you what you like to do what your kids like to do and have a conversation because you want to honor each family that's coming together also want to develop some new traditions to gather and sell as you develop more of those traditions together with holidays that will be helpful in actually lending your family and making things memorable for everyone.

That was Judy Porzio. She and her husband Jeff were our guests on episode 20 talk about couples who are about to blend. I heard different parts their guys react to this or heard her say was a disaster. So we learned we had the talk we had to try to plan. We had to honor traditions and we had to find new ones keyword expectations.

That conversation is very important.

Blended family. But especially around the holidays and it's not the time to be.

I'm fine with whatever you decide, you find out everything that you decided and then it can be disastrous holidays. So yeah, I think the expectations in that discussion and pretty much laying out this is something that we've done that. I really can't let go. This is something that I've done that we really can't let go and do we decide not which one is more important, but which one do we want to make like our new tradition and how can we change that are what works for household. Sometimes we put together something in auris. I have a conference we do.

Afterwards we sit and evaluate what worked and what didn't you know it might be a good idea that you have a team family meeting and we talked, including the kids and all and ask you know what worked with this holiday. What did you like about what could we have done differently get their input instead of coming up or assuming what didn't work but get everybody's input. So next year you can plan differently, and maybe do something different holiday travel on those that work with. I think it's just that Jeff said sit around the table and talk about what did Christmas or what did Thanksgiving, birthday sweater that look like for you before we came together. Why did that look like for the parents in the home when they were going and then talk about what do we want now.

What is important. You want to bring into this new family that you had in your previous family and what things to be want to merge together and create as our own new tradition travelogue is one of our most successful things and it really wasn't about the holidays. It was was learning about each other sit around the table and did it and first our kids were like. What's this, but we did it made you talk about open and finding out things about that. They didn't know about us is pretty cool. This is good. I don't think couples in blended families realize that this is a point of contention for couples in a first marriage so my husband and I are first marriage blended family is so because we are both from central Arkansas and our families are still here. We don't necessarily have to fight about. Okay. Were we going to go for the holidays. I wouldn't go to your mom's week in Canada both. That's the beauty of living so close to family.

But we also didn't have those really good conversations about hey did you talk to his mom. Hey, did you talk to her mom and as the stepmom and the potential smart stepmom. I'm trying to be always try to initiate those conversations that you have to realize that you married someone who may be a planner who may not be a planner and guesses the planner and guess is not the planner in message a lot of times conversations didn't get done.

Like I wanted, and that's where the stepping back and allowing whatever chaos transpired transpire so that this heart lesson could be learned by my loving love and I think that's a really good point.

We really need to look at the marital relationship on this issue comes to the forefront not just in the parenting side because when Jeff and I got married.

I didn't realize he had a romantic idea. Every year he would go out at midnight and the night before and by stocking stuffers that was his thing for the family. Well planner, so what'd I do, I had a mobile for all, so I still wanted his romantic plans and unite the grave that I grieve that for him. When I found out that I still the center was with the best deals are.

That is, I really even going back to the comment that I just made about how we had the discussion. Thinking about your travelogue that will be implemented in our house but that discussion that we had was about us. It wasn't about our children. We can even I didn't even think of that until and now that I'm thinking we were speaking Mike is it too late and now I think that something can continue to do every holiday every birthday. So yes that will be happening in the cochlea. You can read about the travelogue in my book the smart stepfamily. By the way, the bigger narrative there is that as a family as you continue to dialogue about the past and the present and what worked and what didn't work and how were going to move forward. You are taking further steps in defining how you're going to be family with one another. This is part of the process of becoming family, so the travelogue is not just about patient it's about your story of us figuring out again. We been listing to an excerpt from an extended interaction that was part of the family life blended podcast the run deal hosts talking about expectations during the holiday season.

Ron told me this is one of the most downloaded podcasts in his series that he's done because the holidays are tricky for blended families, and people want help, they really do want hope because it can be can get to the point where you give up on the holidays and syntax family without the complexities I mean honestly, we've all been there. It's like this is even worth the hassle and yet boil boys all know the world and that's why this is such a needed by think this is a great podcast to share with friends right now because were all getting the best especially blended and I would say for everybody to stop and just calibrate the next week and stop and say okay what we want to make sure by the time the week is over.

What we want to make sure we've accomplished and what can we let go up so that we stay focused on the main thing and pray begin praying for your family time to because I think that's really important to make sure Jesus is a part of this season and if you have not gone through Ron's book, the smart stepfamily book. We got in our family life to the resource Center also mention Ron's new book that he wrote with Dr. Gary Chapman called in building loved together in blended families. Both of these are our really must reads for anyone who is in a blended family go to family life today.com. Find out more about these resources you can order them from us on our website.

Again, it's family life today.com or call one 800 FL today to order these books, one 800 F as in family L as in life, and the word today that for those of you who are doing last-minute Christmas shopping. Some of us are this week. I hope you also consider a year-end gift to family life we mentioned earlier today that we've had friends of the ministry who have made available to us a matching gift that we are hoping to take full advantage of fact in the last week that matching gift has expanded, there is now $2.7 million and that matching gift fund and so for us to take advantage of what's in the fund. We need family life today listers to be as generous as you can possibly be your donation. Whatever it is will release the equal amount from the matching gift fund so your donation is matched dollar for dollar and will send you a couple of thank you gifts for Christmas. What you will get them in time for Christmas but you get the idea will send you a copy of my book. Love, like you mean it talks about what the Bible tells us about what real love looks like in a marriage relationship and will send you a flash drive that includes more than 100 of the best family life today, podcasts and radio programs from the past 28 years. Programs on marriage and parenting guests.

We've had through the years, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, David and Wilson, all of it on one flash drug. Both of these resources are our thank you gift when you make a donation today. Again, you can do that online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to make a year-end donation and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when we got a special early Christmas present for you and in-house concert and conversation with singer-songwriter worship leader Laura story. She joins us tomorrow and we hope you can join us for that think our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our host Steven M. Wilson. I'm Bob. See you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow