Parenting Potholes

If working to have a good relationship with our kids when they become adults. There is a transition that has to happen in the teen years we have to move from being their caretaker to being their coach's and Wilson.

We how that faith years of living in the question why kids would come and ask a question I can we do this or whatever and we know what the answer is the answer will be no but instead of saying no, we would say things like, will tell us about it. You know you want to go see this movie when it is all about that so we would just refrain from thinking know immediately that we would help them to come to that conclusion. They know but we had a conversation because were coaching them.

This is family life today hosts are David and Wilson about pain. You can find the sum on the family like today.com if we want our children to thrive as young adults we have to teach them how to start making choices on their own while they're still at home. Talk more about that today.

Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. I think a lot of moms and dads are looking forward to having the extended family back together at Christmas time and I think some moms and dads are gone and it could get attempts it's been kind of a tense year with politics and everything that's going on so we got a go under this prayerfully and carefully don't. That's good. Carefully and carefully. I think that's really needed because it can also be a time of anxiety because we don't know what to expect in our conversation. In some ways obviously it's wonderful is no fun, so great that they could come over you go over there but there's also your tiptoeing around here like this that you say that on the drive over right is a is is mom and dad. I remember we cannot bring this up yet we go to one of our kids houses the other day in Dave's like okay so let's talk about politics and let's not. Let's have a nice time together. I thought we could have an honest conversation, but some things you gotta be careful about. We had an opportunity for the three of us recently to speak to a number of parents who have adult kids about how we navigate this relationship and how we continue to pursue what Ephesians 43 says pursue the unity of the Spirit in the bonds of peace, even when there are secondary things about which we disagree and what were to hear another portion of that presentation today. But before we dive into that. We got a couple weeks left in 2020.

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Some of the principles we need to keep in mind as we interact with our adult kids. If we give advice before they asked for advice like unsolicited advice is received.

This criticism anybody yeah and we learn, don't give advice.

Yeah if they assess the welcome mat put it out in you know, one of our goals is that they want to run home when their 30 and 40 and you know they want to come home because they feel like it's a place their loved and accepted and there's a bearing with them even if they're not exactly line up with the mom and dad's values and live in that way. And yet it's hard to have that patience and it is. It could be one of our boy.

They had a baby it was their first baby and Don they're getting his tavern to give our baby a bath tonight and we didn't even get any instructions and 1/2 now about to help you and you soon baby will do it all night and felt they didn't want me to help moms been replaced by you is depressing and they have never assess how to get it out of the night they would you do it when we said hey you know that I don't latest study say this right as we know nothing and yet is jump in their given gentleness that patience and humility that bearing to say okay when asked will be there either but nonetheless you can't ask you and Mary like advice on getting your kids to sleep. Not nearly enough. So, I hosted Ashley's indicated radio program more than 6000 interviews, you know you got this.

You think they think you would get in this role just over the years above them a lot longer, but we've had in this last year at least half dozen or so interviews with younger parents writing.

Were interviewing them like we know nothing sort of like talk to your kids like you sit there and he'll ask us what we so what what do you think trips up one of the potholes appears with a delicate well I think one of the big ones is that parents don't make the transition comfortably from parents of little kids to parents of teens to parents of adults. I borrowed this I was ready.

I guess we had talked about this he said when your kids are tiny. You are the caretaker your kid that means your job is to keep them alive. There depending on you for everything he said as they grow older you move from caretaker to cop and you follow them around and you write tickets to jail when they get to be teenagers. If you don't, from cop to coach their distant tune you out but you have been moved to coach you been a coach and a coach can still pull it out of the game and bench him right but a coach most of the time is not benching people is not a cop what you doing is let them play these coach them to the point where they can do it and you know there to make a mistake on this player and you let them make that mistake. The great thing about this is still that we had some control right coaching faith. You can call a timeout. You can pull my game you could write, listen, you want them to make bad choices and bad mistakes will are still living with you rather than you controlling everything and then they move out another making the bad choices that mistakes so you have to let your kids go out and do some wrong things and fail combat phase.

The years of living in the question why kids would come and ask a question I can we do this or whatever and we know what the answer is the answer will be no no, we would say things like, will tell us about it. This movie tell us all about that so we would just refrain from thinking know immediately but we would help them to come to that conclusion. Sometimes we would just have to say no, but we had a conversation because were coaching the last phase so it's caretaker to cop to coach the consultant so with your adult kids, your consultant now. If you're in business as a consultant you go to somebody and say hey you never help you out. I'm available you can hire me right and you wait for them to hire you. And then when they hire you, and you say okay based on my experience. You do this and this and this and this and you write up the report you have it to them and whether they implemented or not, that's up to them. You're the consultant you don't come back rent to did you do, I told you to do right consultants don't do that as a consultant your there to save your kids safe. We can ever help you with any of the stuff questions about this.

Your struggles to money issues. We cover help you with. I think it's fine to offer your services in those situations and then share with them whatever wisdom you've got, and then be ready to step back and let them figure out whether the implement any letter writing is one of the keys was not a cosigner. So I think that's a big trap. As parents we get so used. Be a cop that we don't know how to transition to coach when they're in the teen years or we get so used to be a coach in the teen years that we think were still supposed we coaching him after the married and we got to figure out how to transition and how to pull back and let them be the young people God made him to be. Second thing I think is too many of us have our identity wrapped up in our kids are acting or performing. So when our kids are making bad choices. We want them to fix it because it looks bad for us if our friends hear about it or when were with our friends and they sites are your kids doing and we don't want to say how our kids are doing is working. Think there to think we were the worst parents ever because our kids are doing this kind of stuff right we we think that their behavior is all on us will my behavior when I was a teenager or young adult wasn't all on my parents.

I was making my own choices, good or bad. It wasn't what my parents did or didn't do. It was on. I'm an autonomous self functioning human being to do the same thing we have to find our identity in the fact that we are sons and daughters of God were trying to walk faithfully. We mess up when we mess up. We seek God's forgiveness, God pours grace on all of that and so we have to find our identity and who we are with him.

Not in how our kids are living or performing about you that I mean that we carry more guilt and shame in this area and many others. I don't know what you've been like his parents but sometimes I would go to bed at night and I feel that same guilt. I wonder if I've done something. Or like a word about it will battle that goes on in the midst of that as well where we have an enemy and he is called the accuser and he's always whispering those lie in her head that it's your fault you didn't do enough. I'm glad that we have a father God is that one that is continually loving, caring for pushing for an in rescuing our kids.

I think the third trap a lot of us fall into our kids get married is we don't let them leave so Bible says a man shall leave his father and mother cleave to his wife. There's a new union.

The got form and if there is ongoing emotional dependence on you financial dependence on you if you're not giving them the base to form an us your interfering Dan Allender, who is a counselor and author who we've had on family life today made a shocking statement early on, I never forgotten that. He said 90% of marital problems that I'm dealing with can be traced back to a failure to leave father and mother now. He's not talking about just moving out. He's saying, the daughter is still emotionally dependent on how her mom's gonna view this or the sun is still concerned about what his parents will think they're still than the emotional attachment and independent. We have to be the ones who are the adults here and say you need to leave some of us are still drawn to much of our own life from our kids are doing and we need to let him have space and let them live their own lives. So I think these three things are kind of the pitfalls are you here, our expert what the wife has a harder time letting go. It is not dealt kids and is wanting to write give them money.

I see that-think now we need to let them go about that conflict between the two of them because sometimes it parents were on different pages so sometimes that's it there so needy that there drawn too much like from sometimes it is who wants to see your kids suffer who wants to see your kids go through hard times.

Let me ask you question when have you grown the most spiritually in your lives. When you've gone through hard times and when you've suffered Jesus meet you there.

You learn how to draw life from him how to grow with him. A lot of parents are short-circuiting their kids growth by stepping in to try to cushion they need to have some hard times. They need to suffer they need to face financial challenges and not get bailed out all the time to face some of what you remember Dave saying this to you everything that is just really hard. It is really hard. Who wants to feel that way. But if we can pull back and go God's their gods meeting them God's doing work in their life in the midst of this, and teach them how to grow up and respond. And there are times you can help out there times we've helped out with our kids but we tried to be really smart and prayerful about when those times are and not just make it the default. Oh, you have a need. Here we can help. Barbara really model background even on artist parenting. When Deborah talked about how Dennis and Barbara used love that tough love. A time.

How she did go through some of those things and got used to it yet. I know for me I bet all this to say this most growth happened in my life. Artist and my mom, bless her heart. Didn't step in and I thought she was a bad mom know where were you. We think that God's about God that is not bailing us out, and he does but he doesn't always the way we want and we grow us the best thing ever happened. I was the dad always said I want my kids to send mother so under my roof.

I don't want them to. I know they will. But like Bob said earlier, they're going to do it later. So how would be better they did. Now and we can help pick up the pieces but it's it's hard in it because you are Russian you want to save the day that I love you, Jim Burns says one of his principles about adult kids as they will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back so you gotta let them walk their own journey and one day they'll be thanking you for we know that some of you here. Your kids are at different places in terms of how you interact with them where they are spiritually.

So let's talk about what you do if you got kids who have completely walked away from the faith. Maybe they never embraced in the first place to grow up in your home. They just said that's what you believe. I don't believe that they don't profess to be Christians, or maybe they went to youth group and all of that was fine and then today, they would say that that's your thing, we don't believe that anymore.

What you do. How do you relate to those kids.

I think the first thing you have to ask is how did the father of the prodigal son relate to his son when he wandered off into the far country, and he did that by what we we don't know everything about what he did but we know that he did not put up any barriers to his son, ever coming back home and when he saw his son starting to move in that direction. He ran. He didn't want to chase him out of the far country to and gotten poem of pigs by he waited.

He trusted he prayed we presume in the midst of all this, and he was ready when his son came back and the coursing when he came back he lavished grace on his son, rather than lavishing shame on his son for all the things done when a guest on family life today. Years ago this podcast is still available. There's a lot on prodigal son family life today that you can go listen to listen to some of these podcasts but Phil Waldrep wrote a book principles for getting your son or daughter back to God. If you got a problem here were his six first of all, you have to learn to live in guilt free in your Christian life. As parents we beat ourselves up. I got a prodigal is because I didn't do this is a parody that is apparent. God has prodigal right the first two in the garden prodigal the father of the prodigal son is a picture of God. We are prodigal so you have to learn to live guilt free don't embrace the shame number two you have to ask your prodigal for forgiveness for things you've done yet find a way to humble yourself and go just just prancing what I do or not do that. I should've done trying get time with that prodigal onset. I just want to confess some things are. Ask your forgiveness for things I should've done or didn't do really good I think to ask her about.

Is there anything that during that is really hurting. You are bothering you. Very humble question. It is a humble question number three. You must love your prodigal unconditionally so even when they're in the far country got 11. That doesn't mean that you prop them up for that to support their sin right so if you got a kid who's using drugs and adult kid who's a drug addict.

That doesn't mean that you go get the needles, but it means that you love that child unconditionally, faithfully, over and over number four you have to allow sin to run its course. So they've got to get to the pigsty before they get out, not always. Sometimes got a restroom before right but you let sin run its course. You guard your words and the need to pray for your product so I think if this is what you got. This is how you care for John Piper has been open in talking about the fact that one of his sons was often the far country for a period of time and he I remember when we interviewed him. He said, I pray for my son every day and he said I I sent him just a short email every day want you know I love you.

I'm thinking about you and praying for you today and I might include something other than that, just a thought. He said I went for years with no response to that, but I just sent the email every day, just that I want to know is that when his son came back as I read everyone knows, but I never responded I would no place to respond.

Your kids might respond in sight. Quit sending me those emails and if they do, you put send them emails right well I remember when we interviewed Chip Ingram on during lunch he was talking about assignment came to advance to author and pastor and he came to them and said I no longer believe any walked away from his faith and later she came back it was it was away at a time when he came back and his dad asked him what brought you back, and he said I can't do my your faith and moms faith in your life how you lifted. I can't deny that it's start I see it every single day and then he talked about how his son had a part in writing this great son Lauren Daigle you say member so popular that he was one that wrote the words to that song beautiful how God uses even the journey away. So for some of us that we got prodigal sure it's clear some of us we got kids who profess faith with a limit right so these are kids who would say oh yeah I'm a Christian. But you know that the moral choices they're making or their interactions are not going to church.

The quit going to church. They still say they believe, but churches and of value for them. Maybe their language. Maybe the way they interact with other people, you just say I don't know the there really Christians. Let me just say this, they may not be whatever their earlier profession of faith was if your four-year-old asked Jesus into his heart.

Your four-year-old also wanted to be a dinosaur.

When he grew up.

Okay I'm not trying to discount that there are kids who get saved for there also kids who want to please mommy and daddy and pray a prayer, so don't presume that they're not genuinely saved and and just living apart from Lord but don't presume that they are just because they write a prayer. Once or just because they say you know I'm grateful for the man upstairs. In fact, if that's what they say you can probably wonder if they even knows that so be aware of what's the fruit you see in their life you something I would say just keep sharing the gospel with them and by that not this is what you need to pray to get saved when I say sure the gospel. I think keep reminding them of the goodness of God demonstrated in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

I need to hear that message over and over again in my life. Whether you're saved or not. That's the message of life for all of us.

So I go back to your kids and I just keep talking about you know they say you know I'm grateful for the Lord and I just say I'm grateful for the fact that gave his son to die from the cross for us and that his son was raised again from the dead, and we have the power to live completely different lives. As a result of that great news. I just keep repeating that over and over again until the gospel breaks through and all of a sudden they are either re-believe it or they believe for the first time in the ground know this, but I think it's just as important maybe more important to live it just said writing was St. Augustine right sincerely gospel at all times and sometimes use words and it's like they're watching and they're looking for and hoping for humility, grace very much and when all the things we talked about in Ephesians 4 when they see that I don't know a way not drawn to that again we been listening to a conversation we had not long ago with a group of moms and dads parents of adult kids about how we navigate our relationships with our adult children and some of those relationships can be hard especially if our kids if they're not in a good place spiritually. Either they totally abandon the faith or their living nominal lives as Christians that's a hard thing for parents and with key pram and we have to keep sharing the gospel and we have to keep living lives of integrity as we just sent me.

Obviously one of the hardest things and you're on your knees. I mean, you think that's going to end at some point you know there baby and you praying and then they get the drivers license. It never ends her still praying and then I can pay more these days yeah yeah even with our grandkids and there's so much at stake, and we are living in a time when it's evermore important this workshop that the three of us did is available. The audio is available for download. You can go to our website. Family life today.com and download the entire presentation. If you'd like. We also have a link to a couple podcasts we did. I think we did three episodes with Jim Burns, who wrote a book called doing life with your adult children. Keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out. There's a link to those podcasts on our website as well and of course Jim's book is available in our family life today resource Center so you can order the book from us online. Our website to get his family life today.com for links to all of these resources. You can also call us to order Jim's book the number to call is one 800 FL today, one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today that we mentioned this earlier, but please be praying for us here at family life. We still have a ways to go to take full advantage of the $2 million matching gift offered that's been made to us here at family life during the month of December were asking family like today listeners to be as generous as you can be in making a year-end donation when you make your donation.

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We still have a ways to go. So pray that we would be able to take full advantage of all of the funds in this matching gift fund and if you're able to make a year-end donation. We'd love to have you get in touch with us. In fact, we know there are some listeners who this year simply can't donate at the end of the year. We understand that sore asking those who can maybe do a little extra this year to help out those who can't pitch in when you make a donation working to send you as a thank you gift to items will send you a copy of my book. Love, like you mean it. That is all about what we can learn from the biblical definition of love found in first Corinthians 13 I we apply that in our marriage relationship and will send you a flash drive that has more than 100 of the top family like today radio programs from the last 28 years. Programs that deal with marriage related issues, parenting all kinds of relationship issues some great stories great guests over the years will hear from Dennis and Barbara Rainey, David and Wilson. It's just a great collection of the top programs from the last 28 years the book and the flash drive our gift to you.

When you make a year-end donation do it online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to donate and I were grateful for your participation and grateful for your prayers as well. Thank you and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when were to talk about those hot potato subjects. Those subjects that maybe it's just better that we don't bring them up. Talking with our adult kids we deal with those kinds of issues will talk more about that tomorrow. I don't think our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast action team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life, family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow