Patient Parenting

Do you treat your adult children like there still your children more like they are adults here. Stay Wilson first thing I learned when I started dating this woman and I got married is her dad from day one treated me like a man adult to adult. It struck me. I had not been treated by an older man like that he one of my opinions.

Yes, my advise I will snicker differs like you don't really any dead and I never feel like he respects me even though I shouldn't because I know nothing. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find the sum on the family life today.com do you find there is some tension in your relationship with your adult children. Maybe it's because you're still treating them like children and not like adults talk more about that to the things they witness and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. I think what listers or to hear us talk about today.

This may be this is one of the top three questions I get asked by listeners when I'm out talking to people and they're looking for help and your desperate they want to know how do I have a relationship, a strong, healthy, loving relationship with my adult kids who are starting to view the world differently than I view the world and start going directions that I'm going to go there yet.

I don't think that it's amazing how our kids become adults and how they have minds of their own. As I think the fact that it was for Dave and I to get to do this with you to actually talk on this topic at the car, listers, or to enjoy the conversation there to hear. But before we take them to that. We're pretty excited.

We been sharing with our listers of the last couple weeks we've had some friends of the ministry who have come to us and said we know that this is been a hard year for ministries like family life. Today we want to help at year-end. They've agreed to match every donation we received during the month of December, dollar for dollar up to a total of $2 million.

It's amazing that great interest in offering gift, and it is a year where we are asking God to help us meet this matching gift. Every donation we receive this month is vital and important, and so we wanted come to listers and say I don't know what you're thinking about your and giving. I don't know where your family is financially we know it's been hard for a lot of families this year. But if you can make a year and contribution would you consider a gift to family life today to help us continue to provide practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families.

Yeah, he said above, it's been a hard year for everybody and I know there's people listening. Maybe they lost her job and that's extremely difficult and scary and I get to be honest, it's scary for ministries as well. I mean who has ever gone through the County year 2020 was Cove id has shut down our events them.

And so in many way and and we pivoted to online and to try to help people, but in many ways we are trusting God like never before for people like you and me to say I believe this ministry and I want to give in and let me say I know you be asked to give to a lot of different things that I we are as well and let me ask you, do you believe family life is making a difference because you're not just given to an organization you're given to thousands really tens of thousands of couples and families.

I mean and I are sitting here a changed legacy because of family life. We don't talk about a lot that we would not be willing here. He's been married just to save.

We may not have a marriage, family life, help save her marriage and gave us a vision for what the future could look like and that's foot family. If does. We help and we sense all time that we we offer practical help and hope in your giving to that you're going to be changing families like the Wilson's by given a dollar and I hope it's tens of thousands of dollars. What an unbelievable opportunity to be matched. And that's God using a family to say.

We know this is an important ministry and we want to be apart. So I I challenge you invite you join us make a difference. Ask God and then do what he ask you to do you guys.

Has there ever been a time in history. In my opinion, that is more needed. I mean, as we look at what's happened this year across our globe and across our country how I feel like marriage and family is what is most needed to change our culture starts in the family and so this could be a great way for us to change the world for where we are headed as a culture strengthening families may be the most important thing that needs to happen. That's what we believe and that's what you're investing in. So if you can help with urine donation go to family life today.com make an online donation or call one 800 FL today to donate your donation is gonna be matched dollar for dollar when you donate during the month of December and were grateful for your financial and we hope you're going to benefit from the conversation you're about to hear again we have a chance to speak to a lot of couples who had come to hear conversation about how we relate and love our adult children even when things get challenging or talking with parents all the time who are blindsided. I think by the cultural divide and where their kids are landing by a cultural divide, and their burden when we set them with their kids on the first night of us all being together and I said that the fact that you all were looking forward to being together with one another. We would've just assumed will of course they look at their brothers and sisters. Of course they want to be together but we know friends who have family members who live in the same town. They have brothers and sisters live in the same time we don't speak to one in the same time you can't take for granted that everybody can get along, you can't take for granted that everybody's can have a consistent biblical worldview, or that everybody's can be walking with the Lord. It's just the reality of the world were living in today.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s. So I remember hearing the term back then the generation gap to remember hearing about the soul life magazine in the 60s put up covered. That was the generation gap cover. He looked.

I mean his cool looking right so it's the parents and the kids in the glasses, and they are divided they can't get along.

In fact, I used to sing this in the 60s. You probably did too. If you're alive in the 60s.

We sang, mothers and fathers throughout the land and don't criticize what you can understand your sons and your daughters are beyond your command, your old world is rapidly fading. Please get out of the new one if you can't lend a hand for the times are changing that Dylan taught us to sing so it feels today like were back in. By the way, I'm a little younger than couple years so I'm a 70s guy and there was another center average member. People try to put it down talking about my race is a right that Dylan was in his 60s who are 70s and still have today but it's different today.

How is it different I made it similar but there's a different vibe going on in 2020.

Some of it was generational. We have the sexual revolution in the in the 60s that was challenging all of the norms.

Well today were now eating the fruit of that that season and things that 20 years ago, we would've looked up and said that would never happen again. Are the norm and being celebrated in the culture and our kids are being catechized by an ever present world. How are things different.

Everybody's hyper connected and so information is coming at us nonstop and its programming how we think and how our kids thing and it is leading us to this this hyper divided world that I heard you even on radio for the past year, often the first Q Ephesians 4 and I love that you use that.

So Mike's so walk us through that in terms that how is that a foundation that can help us navigate the terrain so if if I'm sitting down. Well I am sitting down with parents of the adult kids I would say Ephesians 4133 is a great place for you to just meditate may be memorized. That's what I've been focusing on is just planted in my brain. I read this passage and I thought Melissa talk about how we should belong in the church but here.

This applies not just a church applies to how we get along in our families, so Ephesians 4 verse one says therefore Paul says either for a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you been called with all humility and gentleness with patients bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace. They look at that is okay. What's the goal it's them in verse three. The goal is maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Wouldn't you love to think that with your kids in your extended family. There was the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace will yeah that's what we all hope for and thought would just happen naturally when if we don't have unity of well and that happens in families right so it is not there's not virtual unity in the family. You can still be pursuing peace and some level of unity commonalities some level of being able to find the things we have in common that are biblically undergirded. We may not agree on some issues of doctrine or morality in the culture today, but can what can we talk more about this does not everybody's in the same place.

Some of you in here were looking on our kids walked away from the faith completely Somerset market still go to church but it's not a church. We pick form to go to her all kinds of that thing going on. You may have heard our interview with Ken Burns, who wrote a lifetime, doing life with your adult children. Here's a quote. He said he went to speak at this conference and here's anything that most adults children who have violated our values and chosen a different path than we would've chosen for them, and when he did, the crowd moaned in recognition.

I think that's really true. Like there is this heaviness like it.

Haven't gone the way we had hoped and the subtitle of this book. Keep the welcome mat out in your mouth shut and there's there's something to that is not.

We never have conversations or or dialogue, but the welcome part should be where were focused rather than the I gotta fix you in the 15 minutes while you drop by the house right so you look back at this passage in Ephesians 4 it says preserve the unity of the Spirit maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. How do you do that well you go back to verse one, you do it by walking in a manner worthy of the calling.

So our job as parents is to have a worthy walk that our interactions with our kids would be how Jesus would interact with our kids. If he was having those conversations with them and sometimes we think that what Jesus would do is he would just blast them because that's what we feel like something correct image that you're wrong here and you're wrong. But how was Jesus with unbelievers. How was the people he blasted were the self-righteous Pharisee look at the four words that are in this verse. Humility, gentleness and patience and bearing with one another in love. So let me walk through those so humility. Humility means that your kids know that you believe I can learn from you. Just like you can learn from me what your kids say I know that mom and dad listen to me and risk my opinion and they could learn stuff for me.

What would they say they demonstrated that and I know that that's how they think and what they believe. I find a lot of kids today adult kids who would say all my mom and dad just they think they got the corner on the truth. They're the only ones who know that it may never listen. They don't understand there's gotta be a humility that says I want to hear from our know what you're thinking how to get to that conclusion would you hire hard kids are things crazy thing is for red shot. These book for parents only, yes it was a study of teenagers and she found out from research.

The number one complaint of teenagers about their parent is a rhino, they don't listen that when you read that you go. She's wrong. Listen then you go ask your kids and I get all listen like you interrupt me you correct me. You don't really hear me through. I think it's true in their 35 how many times we sat down, look them in the eye and not interrupting, just say what tell me why you believe that way. I think what happens is we don't because were so fearful, fearful of what they're saying and what they're going to do with their beliefs or whatever and so I think I'm interjecting I want I want I don't now but I used to because I'm thinking oh don't go there because I know where this could lead for you, so it's hard for us as parents just to be quiet. Great listeners have to be humble you can't listen well as your humble because your arrogance means not really listen I'm better tell you. Humility means I really think you have something of value for me to learn, son, daughter, let me try to understand help me get even reading what they're reading, try to figure out you know when when they were teenagers and they would come home and they would say oh well.

So-and-so said he's day today and everything inside is freaked out and and we try to help folks. You have to practice with your teenagers. You're not freaked out face. Tell me more room in the smoking pot. I think he was in high school and he was talking about this kid smokes pot kid was the first words out of my mouth years ago, anything at all to smoking pot make him a bad kid if you bad kid because he smokes pot. Mom and I think is good for me. It is like really was helping me to catch the things that come out of my mouth with learn how to do that with her teenagers.

Now when their 30 and they come home and start saying things that you just have the same freak out you believe that you watch that you listen to what your your voting that way you interesting tell me more. We've got to practice this kind of humility that says I want to see how you got to that place. I want to know more about which you just model the second word is so gentleness you just sort of showed us what you gentleness means you're not harsh with your kids, not angry with your kids. You are kind, your gentle, this is interesting.

I read this in the book actually coming down here where author said Jesus the only way he ever described his character. The only thing he ever said about his character.

In order was. He said take my yoke upon you, for I am meek and lowly of heart, humble and gentle is what he was saying I'm humble and I'm gentle so gentleness is this response of grace and self-control.

In a moment when you're freaking out. It's controlling your anger, your frustration, it's demonstrating mercy and love and compassion and kindness instead of coming with this anger or this frustration.

I remember 40 some years ago hearing Gary Smalley. Yes, senior is now with the Lord. Talk about how to open up close. I may remember, this is is on VHS tape yeah and so is not about intermarriage when your spouse is closed up, you said something you don't son that hurts her soon and he just use the fish like they're just close it. He goes you can't open that spirit you try you speak I get I might begin this rise for 40 years. I had hair back then. But here's the thing I do remember him saying the only way a close spirit comes open again is humility and gentleness unit" Ephesians 4, but I never even said you if you're approaching a son who is close to something you said or done, get low. I'm a resend.

Just to sit on their level allow them to tower over and power up come in gentle, humble, and give grace and that's fear may not be quick, but it will begin to open up and I think it's so truth adult kids they felt that we've empowered over our lives, because you know we go from parents to child to adult to adult.

And that's a hard transition for prayers to make is not as hard for the kid they wanted and expected first thing I learned when I started dating this woman and I got married is her dad from day one treated me like a man adult to adult. II.

It struck me. I had not been treated by an older man like that he one of my opinions.

He asked my advice snickered at first like you don't really anything and I never feel like he respects me even though we should all my dad may have a topic look around the table.

He what you guys think about that many say something was going on at work, anything you think I should do antennae that demonstrates the humbleness that willingness to still learning to share our ideas and do half the things we have are sad fact that he would listen to look at finish line for interesting highlight I like how your thinking. I like like where you're going with that he may not have been made us feel good. This love is you talk about Paul's writings, humility, gentleness, here's a big one.

The next word patients with your kids what this patient is well you know what it means and literally long-suffering parity) me that the word patients means you suffer you endure. You stay under the weight of something for a long time.

The word translated patient in the New Testament is a Greek word that literally means to put your anger or wrath away to put it far away from you. The first quality of love mentioned in first Corinthians 13 love is what first thing that's not what we think of when we say define love. You don't think patients but long-suffering is the first thing to be patient is to be long-suffering, as opposed to being hasty with anger or punishment to endure patiently as opposed to losing faith or giving up you don't give up because your hope is not in your child or how to respond. Your hope is in the redemptive power of God in everyone's life anytime I'm talking to parents today. I'm walking over here and talk to parents. The mom says to me are our number two son last month moved in with his girlfriend and he was wanted to never do that to you because his older brother moved in with his girlfriend for they got married and and my son said he had never do that to you mom and now he has right so you look at that and and you feel guilt and shame and we failed all of this and you think man these bad choices. You can start to feel like there's no hope left and I said parents all the time. The story is not over and God specializes in beauty from ashes ashes ashes are as bad as it can get.

There's nothing left but ashes and God can make that into something beautiful. We have some really good friends that have a 40-year-old son.

Their oldest he's been married, divorced, he's living in their home now struggled with the job.

He struggled with drug addiction and down it along hard journey. They had to be patient.

It's been really hard and yet we were there. One night, and when everyone is in bed. I heard the mom put on this praise and worship and she walks around the house singing over their house claiming in praying for this son, Jesus will grab a hold of her heart and she's praying on her knees. She doing battle on her knees and that's a good place to go with our adult kids, especially some diagnostic questions to help you figure out how am I a patient's are you easily provoked by your adult kids do you find yourself easily annoyed or angry when your adult kids don't act or think the way you think they should are are there times when you're interacting with your kids and you start to feel your jobs clenching and your muscles tight right if that's the case, then that shows that there is some lack of patience and you got to learn how to trust the Lord and say God is in the midst of this and find your rest in him.

So, humility, gentleness, patients, and then this last word is forbearance tolerances what it means, which has to do with those areas in a relationship where there are habits or patterns that annoy us. This doesn't mean that you tolerate or you forbear when there's evil.

It just means that when there's somebody who actually thinks differently than you. You can show grace in those situations, not with overt sin or evil but with those situations where you just have to learn when things irritate you. You can have grace in another person's life forbearance. What we been listing to a session. We had not long ago with a lot of moms and dads parents of adult kids talking about how we continue to build a strong, healthy relationship with our adult children even when we don't see eye to eye on things.

Yeah, I smile because I can feel the room.

Even now, months later, it was there is tension because there is real conflict with adult children have different opinions different thoughts and yeah him over for dinner and there's like topics you bring up because you're going to disagree. And yeah, and they're making decisions you don't agree with and man-to-man it like you were just saying to have forbearance and grace and mercy in those moments is godly. I'm surprised when our kids were 18 or really when they're done with highlight. I just kinda like okay we didn't work time were sending them off or punching think I would worry or care this much are still continue to have conversations or conflict.

Like how it keeps going and can be even more difficult.

So to have these conversations is really helpful.

Yellow we recorded a podcast a while back with our friend Jim Burns who is written a book called doing life with your adult children. Keep your mouth shut and the welcome mat out is the subtitle of the book. The podcast links are available on our website@familylifetoday.com there's also a link you can download the entire workshop that we did together on this subject. Or you can order a copy of Jim's book, we got that in our family life today resource Center. Again, the links are all up@familylifetoday.com that's family life today.com if you'd like to call to order a copy of the book our toll-free number is 800-358-6329. That's 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today.

If it's easier call. You can order a copy of Jim Burns book doing life with your adult children know we mentioned this earlier. We are hoping and praying this month to be able to take advantage of a $2 million matching gift that has been made available to us here at family life. Friends of the ministry will put this matching gift fund together every donation we received during December's gonna be matched dollar for dollar up to a total of $2 million. We've heard from some of you, thank you for getting in touch with us. If God has used family life to you and your life in any way. Over the last 12 months and if you can make a generous urine contribution would love to hear from you right now. Again, your donation will be matched dollar for dollar, thanks to the matching gift fund and will send you as a thank you gift to items a copy of my book. Love, like you mean that the tall about how we can apply the definition of love found in first Corinthians 13, in our marriages and will send you a flash drive, a thumb drive that's got more than 100 of the best family life to a programs of the last 28 years.

Programs about marriage and parenting relationships programs that feature Dennis and Barbara Rainey feature Dave and Wilson. Many of the guests we've had on family life to that flash drive and my book are our way of saying thank you for your generous urine donation you can donate online@familylifetoa.com or you can call to donate one 800 F. L. Today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today, not tomorrow.

Working to talk about the transition. Parents need to make as we raise our kids from being their caretaker to being the coach ultimately to being a consultant about why it's so important to make the transition come up tomorrow.

Hope you can be with us for that. I don't think our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine.

See you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow