Speaking Gracious Words

As our kids get older as they become teenagers, there will be times when as parents, we will need to have some hard very honest conversations with them. Here's William Smith, one of the skills that I think that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them.

This is what I think I see when you interact with me like this when you use those words when you have that tone when you look at the floor instead of looking at me. This is how I feel when you do that.

I'm not saying that that's your intention. I'm not saying that that's even a correct perception on my part. I'm simply feeling back to you in verbal form. This is what I'm getting from you. Do you see that this is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine you can find us online@familylifetoday.com having conversations with teenagers or even toddlers and having grace present in those conversations that doesn't come easy. Sometimes talk today about how we can do a better job of bringing grace into our parenting stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us think we've all had the experience of saying something to each other in marriage or to one of our kids and at the moment were saying it were thinking. How do I pull these words back and undo what I am doing in this moment because we recognize as we say it. This is wrong. Are you thinking of a story I don't have a specific one in mind. I just know there have been those times where even in the midst of the words I'm just going I shouldn't be saying that this way that these words are going to do more harm than good. What are you so there so many times that I felt like that and if guys do this and I know women do this and then we go to bed at night. Those words just keep cascading over our minds and our hearts were so convicted in our kids used to make fun of me because I went profusely apologize for what had done and confess even walked down the hall at two in the morning wake him up, knocking benevolent on staff since I what I said really denied mom, I just want to sleep it would write him letters and they would all make fun I can't you guys get a letter from you know saying how wonderful they are and how I was so sorry and I didn't mean to say this this kind of ties in with the conversation I had with Marion this morning a guy come down the kitchen and she is making three bean chili and she's got six containers for the freezer of three bean chili that I restored up below for the winter.

What are we doing and she said I'm taken these next week when I go visit the kids and can give them to the kids and then she said I'm just wondering if they're getting this chili. I'm thinking I wish mom would put making this chili for us and and I wished it, but they just don't have the heart to tell me to stop making the chili and then she looked at me and she said you've never thought anything like that. Have you that I really haven't no I just do it and so so I wonderful gift.

I don't know if it's a gender-based difference or what, but all of us have had words we've regretted either in the moment. Some of us can get get over more easily scan Bill Smith is joining us as we can family life today were talking about the power of words and about how words of grace in parenting matter. In fact does written a book called parenting with words of grace and why did this book. Why this theme.

I mean, why, why did you say this is the book I need to write for other parents what was on your heart with really want to see people develop relationships with their kids and have some real tools that they could use to do that but also wanted tools that were gospel infused so that they were driven by the gospel by reliance on the Lord by confidence that God is much more involved in my life that actually give him credit for. But it's not mystical, it actually happens in real time space bill is a pastor in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He is counselor and of course an author or speaker you shared with us earlier that in your pastoral ministry. You've seen parents who had parents come to you and say we don't know how to have a solid relationship with our kids. We don't know how we don't know where to begin with, and I don't think those parents are unusual. I think a lot of us just assume what you have kids and then need you feed me watermen and to go on to discover very quickly know that's not the case was interesting.

I'm in your title you can get up and say well this is a book that tells parents the only speak flowery wonderful sunshiny words.

You words of grace and obviously that's true but not that isn't the only thing I mean even mentioned there and I know I've said this many times by letter parents when you're watching American Idol you know and are doing the pearl in other trials at the beginning you're like this person cannot saying how in the world. There their mom or dad not tell them he does not because I like my mom told me of a great singer and your mom lie me your thing okay. Were they just appeared that only did grace and there was no truth you know so is it just about given grazers. What's the balance so Jesus speaks and the people marvel at the gracious words that come from him. That was the thing that marked him when you heard Jesus talk you got the sense of what it was like to be in the presence of the gracious God, and he says things like get behind me Satan shake your head and you think okay somehow in God's understanding that fits within grace well when Satan is tempting you. It is gracious to say no. Stop. You will not do that anymore and so I think we have a Misner Wheatley equate grace with niceness and discipline with nastiness and no it's not the case. Grace is very different whole book of Proverbs just talks about two people right that the wise men the full you all know this and who's the wise person there someone who you get to understand by what comes out of their life and a lot of it is communication there thoughtful there considerate they think about the impact their words might have on other people. The full meanwhile's person shoots the mouth off. There is no filter between the brain in their mouth. Whatever the thinking comes out of their mouth and disorder blows things up gracious words are thoughtful and their considered, which I think is a bit of a rebuke to our culture which values the soundbite and the snappy repartee in the back and forth in the thoughtlessness.

I think social media sort of helps push us in that direction come into the Scriptures and realize know God has a very different way of communicating and actually his way builds connection and relationship without being sugary will. It is interesting that you differentiated between you know graceful words sometimes maybe come across harsh you know for that mom or dad to not tell their son or daughter you really don't have a gift of singing. That's grace. Yes it has. It's the truth is I mean, it sounds like all you would never say that they might know that's a very graceful thing to say you have other gifts.

Their incredible. This was not one. I know that's hard for you to hear son or daughter, but I'm being honest if you don't believe me as to real people. If I'm wrong I'm wrong but I think you can hear the same. It's her right and why would she do that you're trying to help them live as well as they possibly can in the world that God has made for them right, part of which is the gifts that he's given and okay. You're saying yeah. Doesn't matter whether you really want to be great singer.

That's just not one of the ones that you're handed and it's interesting you have toward the back. You book you have the skill of encouragement and the skill of honesty, I'd love to talk about that because I think our natural bent as a person's were critical that comes easy to most of semi-right you can see things and you speak about that maybe are critical or negative to be an encourager and to have a skill of that that my spouse my kids my neighbor would think I want to be around Dave is when I'm around Dave. I feel encouraged man. I don't know if anybody's ever felt that from me.

So Todd let this skill because it isn't just an attitude it's an actual skill it is. And the reason those two skills are in there is I'm I'm learning from Ephesians 415 where Paul talks about speaking the truth in love, and right before then, he says, look you there's two options you can be this immature wave of the sea. This is tossed to and fro by the wind. You can be at the mercy of all kinds of foolish teaching or you can be mature. Which one would like a is concert door, be pleased you okay how do you get there, what your options are.

What Scripture Holy Spirit prayer. No, it's speaking the truth in love. Now those others are true and there'd true in other parts of Scripture.

But in this one.

It's honest, truthful conversations with other brothers and sisters i.e. Also, your parents, that's how we develop maturity so you think. Okay, that's an interesting combination, truth and love. Why those two because if you don't have both of them. You don't have either.

We've all had that experience. Someone has spoken accurately about us, but because they didn't really care for us it came across as criticism, as you said Dave or sarcasm. It was put truth." It was truth that tears people down or we've had the experience. On the other side, maybe an little bit more what you are referring to of someone who was sensitive and kind and didn't want to be hurtful and so the pullback they do and say things that were as truthful as they needed to be.

That was a conversational style, the Someone week and you realize that if you don't marry truth and love. You don't have either. So what is encouragement encouragement is for those of us who spoke who are little more critical.

How do we learn to speak truth in a way that builds people up.

Honesty is for those of us who tend to pull our punches out, we learn to have a love that makes people strong by being more truthful and I was thinking about this verse recently and then looking at it in that context of being tossed to and fro by every wind and wave of doctrine that I thought sometimes I'll hear people say we need to speak the truth in love, and what they imagine. The truth is is my opinion the point where I because this is how I think I need to express how I think and do it in love. Well that's I don't think that's what the Bible is saying speaking the truth in love is. Here's what God says, I think it can also be here are the facts about how this makes me feel or hear of the facts about what this is doing to our relationship, but speaking the truth in love is not my subjective sense of what's right or wrong or true or not. In this relationship.

It's got a come back to speaking the truth as God sees it. This requires us to make sure that were speaking the truth and not just saying well because I think it it's true. I just need to wrap it with some love around you have an example of that know and I don't.

I was just aware of the fact that sometimes people will pull out. This is true because it's true to me and there may be some some factual basis, all while wife could say to her husband. When you said that this is how it made me feel. That's true. But when a wife says you need to know you are a critical person that's her subjective analysis of how she sees him that is not necessarily true. Just because she thinks let's talk to the counselor now. How could she have said so you want a hypothetical response to something premarital counseling give you another example that you can say is this writer not if somebody says your critical person.

My first thought would be that might be true. Now I need to ask three other people that know me well enough they all three go you are a critical person and I go okay to move that looks like I have to go I guess true you always want to check what someone says right in the otherwise you've replaced God with them and you've allowed that person to be the voice in your world. So, yes, but what I urge a wife to say your critical person that might be a little strong until we both agree that that's actually the case of Ava wife says you need to know that sometimes you come across as a critical person what you're trying to say is received by others as having a critical spirit that now is true because she's been on the other side of that and that's different than saying you're a critical person that make sense as long as she's willing to consider that perhaps she reads something that he's doing as critical when it's not.

Yes, exactly. So I feel this way is it is a valid statement, whether or not that feeling actually has a grounding in reality, that's a different question. It feels accusatory to when you say to someone you are. Yes he nice.

I put you on the defense right wondering is this a conversation. As were talking about truth and love. Is this a conversation we could have with our spouse to ask them about ourselves or to even ask our kids would that be a dangerous place to go but if I asked Dave, do you feel like I give you truth in love, and I more critical if you like, and encouraging them. Could we is not a question I could ask in our marriage even ask a teenage son or daughter.

I can't you guys and I'm wondering to one of our kids defeat like I come across as being critical are constantly telling you the truth too much already see me on that.

You're so loving mom you never tell the truth, I'm not even sure teenagers can maybe answer that that is that a question at least fair spouse. I like the question from a spouse. I like the question for kids. I'm might leave a little bit less what you mean how do you experience me rather than telling them how they yes or no yeah because I'm afraid that if I say do you feel like I'm too critical now probably going to hear that for the next three months, but if I asked what's it like to live with me.

How do you feel around me where the things that I am helpful to you in where the places where I'm not helpful.

I like open-ended much more than closed-end and it's good and I tell you what I think. If a person isn't willing to asked that question. That's a critical sign of pride in our diminished part of me wants go hey just deal with me man is what you guys married me if you know I get. It's too bad, but to have the humility to go huddle. How do I come across. What's it like being married me.

What's it like being my son and being willing to say okay God. I'm expecting you to speak to me through them that's humble it's it's humble and it's a critical part of being honest with someone. One of the skills that I think that you need to develop in speaking honestly is the ability to mirror someone back to them. This is what I think I see when you interact with me like this when you use those words when you have that tone when you look at the floor instead of looking at me. This is how I experience at this how I feel when you do that.

I'm not saying that that's your intention.

I'm not saying that that's even a correct perception on my part. I'm simply feeding back to you in verbal form. This is what I'm getting from you. Do you see that my missing that if I got the humility to ask. Am I missing.

I think that's a valid place to go yet we had a small group of guys years ago that we were together 20 years, almost half raise our kids together is just a butte and I'm still obviously friends with all of them but we had a monthly meeting. We did do the weekly thing we did once a month almost all night we'd sooner while guys houses we have dinner together and spend till midnight and one year one of our guys this and hate this year where the next six months. I think we should do this and would like, what's at the speaking to each other truth about their blind spots and the like what you mean like let's pick Bob Bob to be your knight where to send Bob out of the room were all going to discuss Bob's blind spots bring them back in and then because it's not just one of us. It's seven of us really go Bob. We love you. Here's what we appreciate about you but here's three blind spots that we identified. Let's talk them through and we go.

Okay, that sounds like fun will do two or three guys a night.

Well it ended up being one guy at night because that's how long it took it on her forget when they got to me. It went and it actually was pretty beautiful.

How work with. When I got to be a member that I went into the kitchen.

It was at some but one of my buddies house and I'm in Eric 1520 oh is the longest a vice like my voice must must be 20 you come again as I get on the hot seat you know and I tell you what it sounds like a horrible experience is actually was very helpful because it was honest but it was encouraging by the other night. You're like, really. So how did how do you because you all agreed on this and they did it very lovingly. It was truth in love, but then you got to go. Okay I'm not to be defensive because I look like an idiot.

Right now I cannot get seven guys agreeing on this and I talked about it but help me understand how you experienced what you just told me in this group and they always go this in your like while it was actually a really good day not saying that this is a model for small groups but looking back on that everyone think they said to me, I was wait for Bob to go with the tell you, Dave. One of the things is so interesting. They said yeah you got good ball and bad ball. I might want and they said when you compete you judge people athletic, not athletic, got a good ball basketball or bad basketball so you don't want to play with guys I can't play your like if you have this level I get look at me I'm not some NBA players, you know, but there was, you know, it's like there is that there's a sense that all Dave you're not worthy because you're not in the level a bit. Being out of plant that that thing on Mike and their like that's not good because I mean, we want to compete and have but you want to have fun.

You will enjoy it, but there's always a sense it. Dave wants it to be and I was like, thank you for that gift as I know I've done at the people's like they walk in accordance I don't say they men like Anna these are my team don't pass in the Bolinas is terrible to think that people would experience me that way so that was just one of hundreds or the other was that was is one I was like thank you for the gift.

So again I'm looking at a counselors and was bad idea was that said, I suck. So, how long the group in meeting before you chose to do that, 15, 18 years.

So what you had was a group of guys who were committed to each other. Who knew that they were committed to each other so the the grounds of that was love the trusted without that trust that you guys have my back and the only reason that you would say anything is because you want me to be better than I already write without that kind of trust that what you described. I think would blow up yet but having that kind of trust is huge. Having that kind of trust with so is translated into family with your spouse and giving them permission to say you. These areas print nice. These areas could use a little work we have one of our kids who allow all of them actually are pretty gifted in helping me see me you've allowed them to do that. I want that yeah yeah because I would do.

I know I know that I am deceived by sin. I know that I deceive me first before I ever try to deceive anybody else because it will in whatever. I'm thinking to do. I'm thinking that's gonna work out great and and the first blindness is in here.

I can't see that on my own. I need the gift of the people of God, and I need the gift of the people to God has placed around me was there. The people of God are not to help me see those things I tell you one of the beautiful things about that was if you got defensive when you're brothers who love you are honestly tenderly speaking truth to you if you got defensive. It was very easy to see like what's going on right now nobody is getting defensive, but you are enemy.

Likewise, right, and we all do it yet.

I was like my bet on that and when you look across room you like.

How can I be not agreeing because they're all in agreement and are doing it so well you know we did the same thing with the wives of all those guys, women were together the same amount of time and we didn't have three blind spots be several limited to, wine, and Weaver petrified but it was interesting.

It went really well, except for one woman who it only been in the group 3 years she did no less.

She entrust us this much and so she was very defensive and now make sense.

Of course she didn't know that she could trust as we hadn't been in her life long enough to be able to love her well site you think you have to be careful and were back full circle to where we started this whole conversation the power of the relationship. The love and trust dynamic in a relationship when that's in place. Truth can go across that bridge if parents and kids are colliding when it comes to these kinds of conversations you have to pull back and say is the foundation of love and trust understood and realized and experience to my kids know how much I love them do my kids know that they can trust me and do they have that foundation so that in the moment, I can say things that are true and they can hear them without feeling fearful without feeling less than all of those things. This is what's at the heart of your book. It is, and one of the things that I think is really essential to that is the confidence that God is involved in God is in the middle of all that, that the gospel does not ever enter anyone's world when were doing well and the gospel doesn't come trust member +30 it's it's always -50 right and the cost was really good there. It's really comfortable at rescuing us and when we have invested ourselves and our kids in ways that have not been healthy.

The gospel still, there is still there. Yet, I would. I would you know when you think about the gospel in our own lives. Obviously it points out sin. It has to, but then it resurrects it gives life. It redeems us from the pit and so I would think man is apparent, especially of a teenager I'd love to ask my teenage son or daughter. What's the ratio you get from me build up torn down you know any great question think I courses can be times when I speak truth and they hear critical truth, but man I would want my teenagers say dad most of the time I feel encouraged I feel build up. I want them because they're gonna run to that relationship. To repel for another. I can feel like he safe.

She's safe, I want to go there because there were also getting torn down.

I want to be to speak the truth.

At times, but I want them to be running as a magnet to encouragement because that's what encouragement does. And that's what Jesus does and if they know that your for them.

You can speak the audio. Use your words critical truth in a way that they go. Thank you because they receive it as love and and they recognize this is the only reason that you went out of your way to say this right now is for my benefit. You're getting nothing out of this. Parents have have listened and they thought well I have really failed at this give us next steps help them to kinda build that relationship back with their kids so number one hope is essential in the hope comes because God has not failed and God has not quit and is not given up.

Second, you have a Redeemer who has paid for every wrong word that you have ever spoken, and therefore you can trust his words to you when he comes to third. I think you have to start with what can I do to reach out to my child to help them believe that I actually am for them not against them. What are the pieces that I can to to build that trust when I've worked very hard to tear the trust apart and to believe.

Okay maybe it doesn't happen for years five years six years. I'm not called to success. I'm called to be responsible for what I can do, which is let me offer you a taste of someone that actually would be good for you to know and the good news is, if the bridge goes out, it can be repaired. It really can. It's very critical for me necessary for me to know and believe that once Jesus rises from the dead.

Nothing has to remain the same in my life. This is been good. Thank you for the time thanks for the book. Thanks for coaching us and helping us remember how powerful our words are and I'm thinking of Peter Parker with great power comes great responsibility that Spider-Man partner on family life to that he never thought we built like you to micros thank you cousin only got copies of the bills book parenting with words of grace on our website@familylifeto.com order the book. When you go online or if it's easier call us to order one 800, FL, today is the number again our website family life to date.com or call to get a copy of William Smith's book parenting with words of grace.

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