Making Beauty from Ashes

When he was still in high school. Craig Svensson's son walked away from the faith he'd been taught as a child. He started making destructive choices and as the years went on, he simply faded away from his family. There would be periods of time with her belong.

We would hear from and times when we would communicate with them or times that he would reach out to us and POV call us and I don't have any place to stay. Can you put me up or I need this like you know I'm sick and I need this medicine. I can afford and because you're always worried. Is he can use as resourcing products. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine can find us online@familylifetoday.com finding the right balance between having an open door for your prodigal and yet not enabling their destructive behavior is difficult for parents will talk more with Craig Svensson about that today and welcome to family life to a thanks for joining us. You know, as as parents when we see our kids headed down the wrong path we so desperately want to go and pull them off and put them on different path than fix things and take care of things and there are things we can try to do, but ultimately our kids are to make their own decisions to make the decisions I want to lock the doors.

The computer is isolated, but it's Butler called have an impact on the world and were called to love Jesus and the hardest thing is letting our kids go on the thing I had to remember was you know ultimately my parents molded and shaped my life but my decisions were my decisions when I got to be 18 or 19. I was making choices based on what I wanted to do, not on but my parents wanted me to do much to their chagrin, and I'm sure actually you are donated 13 and I really gave much thought to my parents at that age 18 wheeler kind of thing were talking this week about kids who start making destructive choices and parents who are in the middle of that watching that trying to figure out what to do.

Craig Svensson is joining us to have this conversation. Craig welcome back Greg is a by training a pharmacologist teaches at Purdue University in the pharmacology department.

He and his wife have been married for 36 years, their parents of three children, including Eric, who we been talking about this week who was the youngest of the three who continued to act out as he got out of elementary school got into drugs in middle school wound up in the judicial system wound up in prison because of substance abuse. He reached the age of majority and the age where he was basically emancipated make is in his own decisions.

While he was right in the middle of all of this and and all of a sudden legally you didn't have the same responsibilities or opportunities that you had had his parents when he was younger and in the home running.

You know that even happened earlier one of the challenges for parent whose child gets into the judicial system is you lose parental control and so at the age of 15 when he first encountered the judicial system.

As parents, you no longer have the control to decide what happens and that's that part.

That's a challenging situation to be in because the judges don't always make wise decisions. Sometimes the decisions can be more harmful than helpful. And so we had that experience even earlier of now is kind of out of our hands. He went through his system of being in a residential program as ordered by the court and then he came back home about things just went south right away and he went back into drug use, and ultimately had to come to a point where the danger of having him in our home. We had to say you cannot stay here any don't know what age was that I was 1818 so is now on his own now in his own then he said earlier. Sometimes that with homelessness. It was an know there were a couple appears where he came back with the so we we made a move away from.

I would mention that we been there and he asked, I'd like to come with you to Indiana.

We wasn't living in her home at the time and we were very concerned.

Yet the same time, the idea of again getting amount from all friends if he didn't want to make a change but this would be a time to time nearly hopeful. You are always hopeful. You want to leave that door open for your child to return right and so we gave him a peer to Tom that he could come live with us when we moved and then he would have to find a job and get on his own and he really very quickly returned to to drug use.

So he gets to Indiana and again, he immediately finds who are the guys I can hang out work I get my stuff and he you know we had never been in that town before long lived there, but people know where to go where to find it when you're in the drug using community. It's amazing how quickly they can find drugs and did you know right away he's right back into it. What we did because he came home intoxicated and we just rouse with this.

The scampi and so we actually had to shorten the time that we were and allow him to live with us. Not only is it like change the locks. Is he want to bang on the door even if you say negative. Here he is never done and we had multiple times of the years where we might let him back in on certain conditions. And then he would violate those we typically you never tried to force himself and we are fortunate we we known of others were that has been an issue, but you know you have a drug dealer sitting outside your house and big SUV with darkened windows, you know you're not safe. That's scary and you can have that adult living in your home. Under those conditions that were your stipulations for him living with you and what did vary from time to time, his age and where was. But, you know, one of the bright lines we had is you can't bring and use drugs in her home and that's you cross that line in your you're immediately out at times we had all the requirements for him as for example the times we would say you would you have go to counseling and sometimes it was biblical counseling that he went through. You had to get a job and things like that you have to do is you have a list of chores you had to do. Probably the most detailed time that we did that was.

He ultimately ended up in prison known stepping forward here, but he he left our home was in Indiana for a while and then went back to Iowa and get involved with drugs even more deeply got involved in the judicial system again and ended up in prison for three years while he was in prison he wrote and seemed to indicate that he had trusted Christ as his Savior and hit he wrote just really wonderful letter to us that he was tired of trying to run his own life. He saw where it had led and it had really destroyed his life and he put his faith in Christ and your thinking.

Our prayers have been answered. Absolutely, absolutely, and we began with phone calls with them. I began a long-distance Bible study with him went through first John there so much of first John the challenges the truth of professed belief in the answers we got just you know let us to hope there is something there some red flags that would come up and wait, wonder and worry. But how much do you expect change in some of his in a maximum security prison, but we then allow him to come back to her home and I tell the story in the book much more deeply, but we actually created a very specific contract with them and we read some things on prisoner reentry and stuff and that stipulated a wide number of things that we would expect, and if you went back to her home. This is what's gonna have to be any. He agreed to all of those and within two weeks he brought drugs into the home and was intoxicated using drugs in the home and clearly his profession had just been an effort to get to be able to come back in the home and got it at present mentioned even on the way home from prison had some doubts because of the conversations that we had with them. He didn't want have any spiritual conversations he made fun of the guards that were there and talked about how they got a wound all the rules and stuff that existed in the prison and so my wife and I said ourselves. This is not who we thought we were picking up at present I may talk about that because I mean hope deferred anyone hope rises yeah and then it's crushed. It's like twice as bad is no hope that feel it was crushing.

Having a child make a false profession. Eric had done that several times before, but this was probably the most dramatic and most intense and clearly was a manipulative effort to get into her home and it was it was so very, very difficult to us. It was completely crushing and especially when we thought Kyle has done work God has finally answered our prayers unite. I prayed for my son, three times a day, every day for his life and to think and finally God is answered and then realize it was all phony and of course you have to tell your friends who you had joyfully told that's done a work in our son now know it really has. And it was absolutely crushing when he's been home is now intoxicated and you've got a put them out again if it directly didn't have to put them out when I confronted them and he was using drugs.

He knew that moment I came downstairs he came downstairs. A few moments later had packed his backpack and said goodbye because he knew I didn't even have to force him out a few thousand walks out as a man, is he sad is the placid what he was resigned. I guess maybe no he wasn't mad he knew what the criteria were staying there. He knew he violated it, and he was probably more than anything sad about getting caught. Sadly, I am crying right right. Think about just your heart, your wife's heart like that for a parent is so crushing it was pushing sorry for all that he had mentioned that he had some sickness that he had bouts of sickness over the years. While there were numerous times we had to make trips to Iowa because he was hospitalized she had lung problems at infections and things like that that arose from his drug use that sentiment. So what you do you get a call from the hospital. Your sons in the ICU. He's got serious problems with one of his long sentence. Of course you you drop everything and you go and then you think about okay doesn't have place to live right now is almost what we do and he comes at the hospital you living on the streets when you're trying to recover from an ailment and we put them up in a hotel what what what we do as we face numerous challenges like that over the years and you had years of this, you had almost a decade, or mad 15 years, 15 years of us on who's out on the streets on his own. You don't know from day to day whether he is continuing to use it. How is supporting himself, you're pretty much like the father in the parable of the prodigal son back on the farm praying and hoping, but not knowing where what your sons doing of the choices he's making. The only differences we had cell phones, and he didn't there would be periods of time with her belong peers, we would hear from him and times when we would communicate with them four times that he would reach out to us in appeal he call us and I don't have any place to stay. Can you put me up or I need this site you know I'm sick and I need this medicine. I can afford and because you're always worried if he can use this resource to get drugs and that happened again and again.

I mean, I'm sure the listener who hasn't read your book is right now saying okay, the part where it all works out. Tell us the part where this where counsel for him. Tragically, it at the end of his 15 year journey he died tragically on January 18 of 2017 and that was the most crushing blow. We we could've experienced. He was living on his own. He was back in Indiana at that time, he wasn't living too far from our home and I actually learned by number from the county coroner's office coming to my office at the University and showing the pictures of a body they found that they thought was our son.

And that was the hardest moment of my life and then rushed from there to go to my wife. I certainly didn't want her to hear from someone else and it was a crushing blow because we knew our prodigal son would never come home.

He died of an overdose did not.

He ended up dying of sepsis of a blood infection because of his drug use.

He had been in an accident and that required multiple surgeries. It really tore up his knee and he ended up with an infected knee and they just could not clear it and he end up with an infection went. They told us they found we thought for sure probably was an overdose.

He had just been resuscitated from an overdose. Just a month before many times he had been resuscitated from drug overdoses never were they enough to turn them from his drug using ways, but in the end it was a blood infection that took his life was last time he talked with him with his birthday. We took him out for a meal for his birthday. We had texted after that.

But this is how long is a month before his death. Please 30 he was 30. What was at birthday dinner you know it was a cordial dinner but even when your child is out of your home there living an attractive lifestyle.

It's when you talk about when you talk about. That's not to create conflict. How you show love. How do you communicate love when you know there's this huge barrier there because of the choices that he's making. He knows it in and you know it, but it was at this is a cordial, friendly dinner.

There was never a time that our son parted from us that he didn't say love epoxy on Scully Pops and so we did not have the kind of relationship that we couldn't talk peacefully and I know they're some of prodigal's and they can't they just can't communicate at all.

So in the days leading up to his death where he was hospitalized with this infection. You didn't know any of this know we did this.

This was actually over a period of a couple years because he had to have made about 18 months. He had have numerous reconstructive surgeries and I took him to appointments and took him to surgeries and those kinds of things are.

Yes we we did have communication with him. In those times that he was living in an apartment that was in.

This was a point in time where we actually decide we were we were to pay for an apartment for because he was recovering medically.

We could have in our home because it would bring drugs, but yet he could live on the street recovering from surgery, but even during his recovery. Time, he just continued to use drugs. Is there any point that your other kids were either cheering you on, or saying mom and dad, you need to do something different because at her. I've had particles that the other siblings are angry at their parents for dealing too much or not doing enough.

We did not experience that. Of course our children were far-flung in different parts of the country and not around all the time, but there was really nothing but encouragement from them. They understood the destructive choices we we never felt from them that they thought we were doing anything appropriate that they were they were more concerned for us and Eric hurting us and putting us at risk more than anything else. When you learn that your son is dead.

Did you begin to revisit all of that, what could we have done what should we have done stuff that had come up earlier or were you at peace with the choices you'd made his parents certainly is some of that mute you can't when you see the loss of a child that they've lost their life because of destructive choices that I can can imagine that you wouldn't sit back and say could be done something different and we miss something I'll tell you though one of the gifts that my son gave me that perhaps helped in that time is at once verbally, and then the very last Father's Day note that he gave me the last Father's Day he was alive just he wrote in a small torn out piece of notebook paper and just happy Father's Day dad and he said I know I've made a lot of choices that I have hurt you and that you disagree with and I know I haven't gone the path that you want me to go but I know that you love me and you'll always be there for me. The choices I've made. I made because I wanted to and what you know it's not your fault. I came across that note just a couple weeks ago is cleaning some stuff out of my dresser as a gift from him to say that to know that he didn't feel that his choices were failure on our part. Gotta be the judges to help.

What we've done is parents but I know that he didn't live with a sense of my parents mistreated me.

My parents really messed up with me and all that happened is my parents fault and that in some sense was a gift that gave me a certain piece of any sense that may be in a quiet moment, there was a profession that never manifest itself in the fruit of repentance that we'd all like to see Chris we can speak for his final hours we were there, only God knows what we do know is that our prayers that are prodigal would come home never happened and that was hard to live with, you know that maybe one of the hardest moments for that next morning when I got on my knees and began my day in prayer and I always pray for each of our children and now is struck with the reality that there was one for whom I could no longer pray and that my most earnest prayer had been answered.

So how do you regain confidence in prayer when a petition you've made for 30 years has been met with the silence of heaven. So how do you, for me it was spending time in the garden of Gethsemane with Jesus and at the cross in the garden, Jesus prayed the most earnest prayer. He pled to the father. Let this cup pass from me and his his earnestness was so intense that he sweat great drops of blood and then the next day. He's hanging on the cross and the wrath of God is coming upon him, and yet what did Jesus do. He later prayed again and he prayed the greatest prayer of trust that has ever recorded in the Bible. He says father, into your hands I commit my spirit in that deepest darkest moment is, is about to step in the death. He says father, I trust you completely if Jesus can do that I can follow his path and I can trust the father for the future. So pray pray with confidence and pray with earnestness because the father can be trusted. What about your wife.

Did she go through a similar journey in her faith. I think yes I think for her. Probably the longest struggle is being to experience joy again and I know a big part of the focus that you have here is strengthen marriages and we've already talked about that and then one of the things that we face that reality.

Many couples who lose a child face is that we mourn differently, and I remember very distantly how it happened. I came home from the universe is probably about two weeks after Martin's death and something funny happened to the University and she's fixing dinner and I tell the story and I chuckle, and she looks at me aghast and it was how can you laugh so soon after her son's death, and so we were just solid for a while and then we had that conversation, we realized we were gonna mourn differently and that's okay and we had to give each other space to do that and give each other. Understanding to mourn differently. We did, and in some sense we do it on mother has an affinity and an affection for child that I just think is usually unmatched by man right and you carry that child in your womb to nurse them.

You nurture them in a way there's a bond that's there for each of us. I think that we, there are different cues that strike sadness into our hearts and there are certain things that Q her and bring that sadness back in their different cues for me for her. I would probably say it was a darker journey through morning than me, which is I think again only natural for mother, one of the greatest challenges for her was I mentioned previously, we work in a homeless ministry and my wife is more involved than I am.

She pleads it so she's there a lot more to go there. She had to drive by the house where son died and coming back past the funeral home that we used every time she went and it took an incredible fortitude for her to just strengthen herself and go and do what you need to do and often she had to pull over after passing those and just have a good cry.

Before she could drive any further. But God gave her the grace to do that. I think there so many times in grief when we haven't gotten what we've paid for the had a sister that died of cancer when she's 45 and you pray for so long and he never had the prayer answered the way you want, and I do remember after my sister had passed going before the father on my knee saying I'm mad at you. You didn't answer this the way I hadn't wanted it doesn't make sense to me but I will follow you.

At this point is an act of obedience because my heart feels so dead that I will follow you as an act of my will and I think that's a good first step of just a name is not first that maybe it takes a while to get to that point that there is a point that I felt like she carried me.

I couldn't pull away from him because I needed him to carry me and I'm sure your wife and you have felt that at times to like you're desperate for him, for Jesus to heal your own heart, he's the only one I can do it right and the great promise in Scripture is that God will not leave us destitute of comfort. Tears may flood us in the night, but joy will come in the morning and God will not leave us that period of mourning may be different.

That period of grief and testing may seem very long, but ultimately God will come, and he will bring us comfort. Is that what you would say to a parent listening right now is get a 15-year-old 14-year-old heal back when you first started the journey forward to say I think two things. One, remember that your hope is in God and not your children. What ever your children to got stuck in a change if you build your hope on your children and how they turn out if they make wrong choices journey is going to be terrifying and if they can tragically like ours is going to be absolutely devastating. But when you put your hope in God, no matter what happens you know see you through it. The second thing I would say to them is always hold out hope to the prodigal, and obviously this different stages where people go through early on is low but different than in the end, when people live a destructive life and you look and see how messy their life is come become in it putting it back together seems like unscrambling an egg. It seems an impossible thing to do and it will to them as well. We seen that desperate looking people are homeless community.

I mean their lives are so fractured every relationship they have, to put it all back together seems impossible to want to do is hold out hope that he can be done in Christ, and that you'll be there with them and you help them walk through it and so if you can hold anything out to your prodigal hold out hope because we've all heard the stories of people who have borne very difficult things, whether it's people in concentration camps or people who live with horrendous illnesses and what gets them through it. It's hope and that's we want hold up one of the verse. It's been echoing in my own head as you been talking is the last verses in the book of Habakkuk where it's talking about agricultural stuff, you know the there's no fruit on the bond. There is no blossoms on the fig tree. The olive plants are failing and will that's not what were facing, but you can feel that way when you've got a child who's acting out like there's no fruit on the vine and what we been hoping for in praying for is not coming to pass. What you do and Habakkuk says yet I will rejoice in the Lord. That's warm and find joy, not in the circumstances, not of life in a fallen world I'm rejoice in the Lord. I will take joy in the God of my salvation got to go back there and say Lord restored the joy because it's gone but you're my source of joy.

God, the Lord is my strength am I think a lot of parents who are in difficult situations.

You look at the difficult situation circumstances and you go where do I find hope where do I find joy where do I find peace. Where do I find will you find it more and go to him and joy is something you have to decide to fight for every day I am grateful and I know our blisters are grateful that you had the courage yes it really is courage and you said were going to take our pain and were going to comfort others with the comfort with which we been comforted and try to use this redemptive leave other people's lives you've done that here in family life to.

You've done it in your book. Thank you for doing that. Thank your wife for I know you gave her the manuscript and said I want to share this with anybody until you say so and she said yes. We need to share this thank you both praise to God, and we just want to see him bring beauty out of ashes. Greg's book is called the painful path of a prodigal biblical help and hope for those who love the way word and rebellious you can order a copy when you go to family life to.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy of the book again. The book is called the painful path of a prodigal by Craig Svensson order online@familylifetoday.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today and always talked about this week is just a reminder that in a marriage and a family. There will be some very difficult seasons.

All of us will experience them and we need to be prepared for them.

David Robbins, who is the president of family life is here with us today, and David. We should not be surprised when we go through seasons in our marriage and our family when we need to reach out and get help. No doubt Bob navigating a family is guaranteed to be challenging because we have a bunch of people that have a mix of dignity and depravity inside of us.

Thank goodness for Jesus. Susan redeeming it, but he's in the process of redeeming it and we need coaching we need confidence to keep going.

The next day and we need people to cheer us on to that our labor is not in vain, and that God is working and continues to work in us, and I'm so grateful for email I received recently that cheered me often about what we do in family life in this listener emailed and said thank you for intentionally and authentically sharing the gospel. Jesus is using family life mightily in the ripple effect has begun with my family, friends, and my church. Words cannot express how much I appreciate you and your courageous ministry, especially in this chaotic world.

I just want to thank those of you who are partners with us and help fuel the ministry of family life. Our vision is to certainly bring help and hope to people but to also equip people to be help and hope in their home and in their communities and in their church. We are not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation and I'm so thankful for you who help equip us to be able to bring the gospel to more people. Let me just quickly add that for those who can make a donation today to support the work of family life to a would love to send them as a thank you gift a resource family life is created called the 12 names of Christmas, a collection of 12 Christmas ornaments you can use with your kids or your grandkids as the Christmas season draws near to help point them toward the reality of the one whose birth we celebrated Christmas. The 12 names of Christmas is our thank you gift when you make a donation today to support family life today go online@familylifeto.com to donate or call one 800 FL today to make your donation them.

Thanks in advance for whatever you're able to do and thank you David for joining us and we hope you have a great weekend. Hope that you and your family are able to worship together with your local church this weekend and we hope you can join us on Monday we were to spend time with a couple that some of you already know from their online video blog Harold and Rachel earls were here about their courtship about their marriage about Harold's adventure climbing Mount Everest get caught up with euros on Monday. Hope you can tune in for that I want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Payne have a great weekend will see you back Monday for another edition of family life, family life, to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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