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November 18, 2020 1:00 am
Craig Svensson, author of "The Painful Path of a Prodigal," walks us through his son Eric's painful journey with drugs and addiction. Beginning in elementary school, Eric's drug abuse escalated around the age of 15. Though Craig talked to Eric repeatedly, and even had the police talk to him, nothing changed. After taking several steps to stop Eric's drug use, including sending him to a special program and moving to another state, Craig and his wife continued to pray that Eric could be rescued from this downward spiral.
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When a son or daughter starts heading in a direction different from the way he or she was raised parents rightly become alarmed.
Craig Spencer knows something about this. He was the father of the prodigal is an incredible burden.
When you see your child making destructive choices and it's very difficult to watch it so painful you.
You just want to try to get them on the right probe.
You know when you have a problem in your family. It is so absorbing that is easy to neglect her other children because so much time and energy has to be poured into a prodigal. This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us online and family life today.com. What should parents do when the son or daughter is starting to make destructive choices. I mean beyond playing what we do talk more about that today with this and welcome to family life today.
Thanks for joining us. We are stepping into a subject that is gonna be a pain point for a lot of our listeners and that it's a pain point to revisit some organ to hear about today will be very relatable for many now that mean you can say one word and it evokes emotion prodigal to say the word and you you have an a whole array of thoughts and feelings and emotions. Greg Svensson is joining us on family today. Craig welcome to the program. It's it's like to be here.
Greg lives in Indiana. He is primates. He's a Hoosier I went to college in Indiana.
I appreciate Hoosiers and that speaking of college. Craig is on the faculty at Purdue University and teaches pharmacology right correct.
Craig has been married for 36 years. Father of three and I want to talk about one of your kids today about this chapter in your life and in your marriage because you've written a book called the painful path of a prodigal, and what were talking about this painful experience is something that you and your wife never expected you would be going through but found yourself in the middle of about 1520 years right correct. When did you start to look at each other and say we have a child is not just acting out, but somebody who is strongly self-willed, who I'm not sure how he's doing. I would say probably that was late elementary school and all prodigal does become a prodigal overnight and there are serious heart issues there that develop over time. You have no idea where it's going to go when things start turning south and of is it just causes your prayer to drive up but for us, probably the big downturn started when her son Eric turned 15 and that's when he began a very deep dissent into drug abuse and all of its associated problems that come with that.
So 12 to 15.
What were you observing them. That really was the blood that was not yet flowered is a prodigal. I think first and foremost, it was an unwillingness to seek God and his will in his life and the rebellion against those things and it was a desire to fulfill his pleasures and not sacrifice his pleasures for anything else that's always a warning sign right they are seeing that a 12 or 10 or would say the signs paint a picture for us of his family growing up.
Where did he fit in is the youngest of three at the time that he began his rebellion are all this was the Halsey's considerably older's at 10 years older than him so is really just himself and our daughter who is 17 months his senior souls were the four of us in the household. At that time and what were you saying that 12 and 13 lycées one backed out and satisfy his own pleasures. What would you remember a conversation with your wife or you said we gotta try to fix this we gotta step in and are being do we need counseling. Those kinds conversations while I think in most children, it probably shows up in school because they spent so much of their time in school and was issues that arose in school of not wanting to submit to authority of acting out in schools of doing things that were obviously disruptive in the classroom and outside the classroom.
Getting into mischief and when you see a consistent pattern of that then you begin to worry and say all right this this is more than just an occasional phenomenon what's going on in his heart here and struggling with him that I knew it had two older kids that you didn't see this going on certainly are our daughter, who was the closest to him was probably the polar opposite of that. As she came out of the womb, wanting to obey and has always remain that way.
So the subject of the tremendous contrast they are between the two of his life experiences where so close in time and therefore so much of what they experience in terms of our parenting with experience.
Our church with experience in school was so identical because are so close in age to think her compliance was a factor in his desire to be different, to be his own person.
No, I think it was his draw to send and that's ultimately really what it is when someone enters into rebellion right it is because they are drawn to set sin rather than the things of God. And really that's the natural path of us all. We have a sin nature. David said, behold, I was born in iniquity and sin did my mother conceive me. The wicked go astray from the womb. We are told the real remarkable thing is that anyone follows Jesus.
So the natural path is the path of rebellion and it's only when God does a work of grace in the heart of a child that you see them going a different path. What kinds of conversations were you having with your son in these early days when there were behavioral issues at school and you're trying to intervene in getting back on the right track. Was he responsive to what you were saying or was he tuning you out. I think probably varied with the day in a there there were times when he would listen and we would certainly we had been involved in youth group and all those other activities very involved in Sunday school. He was also involved in extracurricular activities that you might think would would build his character try to spend some time to Proverbs with them, which is a great resource for parents to point children to what the natural consequences are certain types of behavior. And certainly he saw those things and you could see there was a struggle.
I don't think at that age I would call him just open fullbore rebellion that they would have his good times and this is bedtimes but we could tell that he struggled with on self-control and being able not to respond in anger or not taking advantage of a window of opportunity for mischief that he would seize it was his tendency parents. We all go through stages with our kids and were hoping in rethinking if this just a stage.
I think because our kids go up and down in their kind of all over the place. Was there a point even that your Wi-Fi gone on a little longer and we had anticipated. I think for us when we discovered involved in drug use at the age of 15 that that was a critical turning point and literally what happened is I walked outside of our garage and went to the side of the house was looking for him to call in for dinner and he was at the side of the house, smoking a marijuana joint force of all that was our first clear indication that he was using drugs.
Secondly, I have enough of about going to know when a kid is using drugs alone and in isolation. That's a real serious concern.
Most drug use takes place in a social setting we got a kid using a drug by themselves, you know you've got a very significant problem so as to what happened. You walk around and seeing it was an interesting moment in his life because despite of things going on. He had an association with some detectives in the police force in our area and they actually used him as a is a shopper to go into convenience stores, gas stations, to try to buy cigarettes as it was 15 was underage to see if the card so he would. The police were taken and he would go in and if he came back out with cigarettes and they went and gave him citations we had this relationship with the two police in our local police department. You did you know that you okay obviously they got our permission devil to do that and some of her things we did is we call the police and talk to them about not arrest him. But to say in a tricky one. Doing this and also may be you would be good people to talk to them centered and they ask again and spent all I don't know is over an hour sitting our picnic tables and back talking with Eric and trying to really show him the path he was likely going down obviously had to stop serving that role for them as a shopper. They didn't want someone like that in there a couple of times over the next year or so that they reached out to him and numerous people throughout his life in the difficult times that he won through I were grateful for that reached out and tried to draw him back to a road that was, not destructive.
He's 15.
At this point he was had he been spoken for a while or now it seemed to have been pretty quick.
You know it's it's always hard when you catch a child like that to know how much the telling of the story because we asked all those logical questions where would you get it from all that kind of stuff and he did want to answer us. And even if he answered is, I'm not sure we would've gotten honest answers. At that time in the moment when you walk out and see him smoke a joint and were you sure it was marijuana does oppose the tobacco cigarette you could smell up to you. All of a sudden this is taking you completely by surprise. Were you did you become angry. Did you how did you process it and how did you interact with him.
While I think there's a big moment of silence between the two of us, because we realize that a bridge had been crossed. You know me acknowledging seeing him and I just on one inside now and we sat down and said want to talk more about what just happened and let him converse in his own words. That way was there remorse on his part.
I think remorse getting caught, not remorse at what he had done no did your wife respond in a different than you did or I think that her biggest response was disappointment because again it was just another step down the road and realizing this is a really serious step. And what does that portend for the future is a later that night after he's gone to bed, and the two of you are laying side-by-side in bed and going. What are we doing but where we go from here.
What we do next. And that's always the challenge. One year asking a question about your child who is clearly on a path to we need outside help.
Where would we go how seriously do we take this because at the same time you can take a single instance and blow it up to something bigger than it really is and and we want to be careful thinking that through and that's what really let us to call the police, who he had worked with. We need they need to know anyway but without you this a good place. They've obviously been down this road with other young people before they been involved in interventions and and we hope that that it would've been helpful for him to hear it from them and walking through the consequences you let this can lead to you very kind. It wasn't like they were threatening to him or anything which is very kind of trying to communicate to him. Their concern from the got the like. Having worked with them for now, for a period of time and they just tried to provide warning without really providing threatening but it just didn't go anywhere for me. Did Eric respond like okay I made a mistake. I need to stop this, or do the with the defiant are we and what was his response. It was after more placid than maybe I would've expected.
When that happen. He wasn't really particularly angry with us, he wasn't.
No, I don't want to go down that road anymore. It was just kind placid and more nonresponsive than anything else. To be honest with. It sounds like I'm thinking of a 15-year-old who's been caught placid response seems to me like I gotta figure out how to manage this better so that mom and dad are not Benadryl and and clearly the side of the house is not the place to go if you want to smoke a joint. You gotta figure out how to be a little farther away from mom and dad did he continue with what he was doing immediately. Do you think yes yes and in fact much more depth very quickly. His drug use escalated and problems at the school that he was out also escalated very rapidly and it came to a point where the school was just a very concerned and we were as well. And at that point in time.
We already done a little bit of counseling you would asked about that previously would only be to counseling with them and realize something like that probably was going to be enough and we decided that a more significant intervention was going to be necessary so we decided to put them into it's an explorer type program and Outward Bound kind program at the wilderness camp that you go specifically for children that are going through serious rebellion may or may not be drug use, and we actually got permission from the school to have him leave early and go into that camp early and he spent I guess it was about little bit more than three months and camp like that in Canada. However, living in Michigan. He was 15 at the time so and so is the end of that that school year and put them into that environment to try to help all help to come to make better decisions. Realize the path he was going on his anger issues were rising and getting more severe, more serious and also to try to address those so he goes away for three months and were you talking to only communication is he on his own or our communication was in writing because they were in a pretty isolated area on an island so you couldn't exactly escape you will. You can get to telephone they are anything but we would write back and forth, and his letters were mixed. He didn't go fighting it and fight it. He he went like. I guess José resigned to this is what's going to happen. He realized he was getting a more more difficulty in school and that that path wasn't going very well either. So he went fairly resigned to this kind of intervention. He said his drug use had escalated.
He'd gone from marijuana into other drugs at that point time were not sure that he used other drugs would use you marijuana much more than group.
He was hanging out with I guess was a group that this is what their life was was all about. Did you think about, we gotta pull them out of school, we got a transplant them someplace else get him away from this contagion group that is a part of.
Yeah we we did certainly think about that. That's not really easy to do as you can. Magic interest to get up and go to another school and because of his difficulties.
A lot of schools obviously would not take him a lot of five Christian schools. For example, wouldn't take a kid is get in trouble and hit the time he was in a public school. What happened at that time, though, the Lord just seem to open the door for when he came out of the residential program for us to change environments completely.
We actually will he when he went off to this camp we put her house up for sale. We were living in a suburb north of Detroit, and we are to move to the West figuring get him in a completely different school system, a different environment but it was close enough for me to still get back and forth to the University.
We did that and in the midst of that another university approach means that hate would like you to consider coming to our university and to make a move and come be with us. They want me to be a division head and stuff it seem like the Lord was opening the door right to be able to when he came out of that camp completely changes environment and so we literally moved a week after he got at camp and moved to Iowa where he took a position at the University of Iowa, thinking that this will be a really good chance for starting the people are church which is wonderfully supportive and praying for us and everybody around us at why this seems like God is really doing a great work you're opening the door to completely change Eric's environment when it comes back talk about the people in your church because here you guys are active in the local church. You got all your friends are church folks. When your kids going off to an Outward Bound program because he's using substance abuse. This is the kind of thing you don't want to talk to friends at church about sports not comfortable to talk to friends at church about yeah and I was actually serving as the interim preacher for this church. They are looking for pastor and I served as their intern for three years so it also presented a challenge location. I step down in in this role at this moment I wasn't use the term interim preacher because of Eric's rebellion. I wasn't willing to take on a position of ruling authority so was in the interim pastor that an elder group of elders and the elders fulfill the role that you would think of for an elder.
My role was really just to do the preaching. Do baptisms in communion and other types of things that were in the public ceremony leading in those but so is a particular challenge whether my role should change because we was going through and I can say that overall the church the support of the people was for the most part wonderful everybody doing what was going on with Eric's call. I don't know if everybody knew. But it was people recognize and it was pretty well known and certainly the elders did. Because things were evolving.
I met with the elders at eight this is a situation. Maybe you think about having somebody else step in this role and and they said no, no wheat songs you feel like you can do it. We wanted to stay there and continue to do that role and so I would say the elders and you know key people in the church, which is very supportive and very helpful. Us at times we had no is expense that at a previous church. We are at.
When Eric's rebellion was really starting. We experienced our share of being judged by others because of his rebellion.
I'm thinking about your wife as you guys are laying in bed at night praying for.
I'm sure your son but emotional highs and lows like your fear of what could this lead to but then the help of a case getting help. This is going better. I am hoping the CAT scan grabbed his heart but did not look like for you guys and as a woman I carry that constantly. I'm guessing your wife did to see certainly dead and that's is an incredible burden. When you see your child making destructive choices and it's very difficult to watch it so painful you. You just want to try to get them on the right probe but you know that God has to do the work in their heart and so drives you to your knees in prayer and you you plead with God again and again and again and just ask him to intervene. We were grateful that there were some men who also recognize and tried to pour themselves into. Eric sought to be a mentor. As you know, sometimes a child gets to a point. They don't want to listen to mom and dad anymore right away in one of the beauties of the body of Christ is that there are others who they may have elation shipped with who can come surround them and try to support and we we had some of that and where very very grateful for that. Where your other kids involved at all wondering and asking you questions will her daughter was the only one that was living at home and I wouldn't say. She gave us advice on what what she do she always he was concerned about her brother and but one thing I'll tell you.
I wish that I had been more sensitive early on about was just how much was impacting her life and I think we have a problem your family.
It is so absorbing that is easy to neglect her other children because so much time and energy has to be poured into a prodigal that you can forget about how it's impacting their lives and certainly it. It made a difference about her wanting to have other people over the house because she did know how he would act out and what he would do.
It was embarrassing to her at school because she had a brother who others knew was going off in this very dangerous direction so she had her own struggles. I want to speak with her for what her. Her feelings were about that but but we recognize that this this is a trial for her, not just for the parents have also talked about for your own marriage because I know in our home when there's a some going on with her kids hyperlink day and yet overlay me outlay my mentor just tension. Even if we agree there still, there's this big thing going on in its there's pressure and so it affects our marriage and how is it affecting years. I can remember being in bed at night and I'm saying today. Thank so-and-so is not in a good place. I'm worried about what he's doing right now out with his friends and then Dave would say she's had for ATA not doing anything. Then she was always right. Yes he was. That's sort of smile.
Yeah moment in our marriage but there were tense moments disagreements about what we should do. How do we handle this with Ernie that Kona will certainly there's attention that gets created night. I think as he went deeper and deeper into drug use, and all the consequences that tension is only greater because you're living with this fear of what's going to happen next but fortunately we more lean into one another than doing the way from one another and we were mostly of one mind, but that there's no question that a prodigal is going to bring a tremendous amount of tension into a marriage and is why one of the priorities when you're walking this kind of trial is to make sure your building on your marriage because it is going to be stressed by having a profitable and that one of the things it so important is that you come to an understanding that you may not always agree on what should be done, but you have to agree on what will be done and you have to speak with one voice. There were times when we might not agree with something that my son had asked something he wanted with we should help him here.
Let them do this, etc. and there were times I would say Mike okay I don't agree, but will do what you said and I trust your motherly instincts on this one. There other times. Maybe I would feel strongly we would we would do it. I would say. But we'd always present a united front me with one reality is that prodigal children can really drive a wedge between husband and wife trying to get what they want and we will experience that were little kids look at because upon mommy said I could. When mommy didn't really say that I only get older they can become very skilled at playing parents off of one another to get they want and try to think of you children acting that way, but they do and you have to be aware of that and so we work hard to make sure we always have a unified voice would have one voice. This is what we've decided we would never share that well I don't really agree with what mom and what that says you'd never want to go there and give them a tool to be able to drive a wedge between you, but one of the things we say at the weekend. Remember actually on Friday night as were stepping into the weekend with married couples and primary couples is five threats to your oneness. Every marriage is headed toward isolation or oneness and I don't know which threat it is Bob not only done this for 30 years that we know how we said, but it's basically that adversity or trials inevitable.
If you have those difficulties are going to come in your marriage, and I always say this trials will make you better. Better in and in the choice is yours. And so we all know couples we know families that have become bitter. Even maybe broken up the family for whatever could be a prodigal could be in and we know others went through the same thing there. They seem to be better. They made a choice to somehow say God can use this. He was horrible as it is for better in our life we can.
I should become more mature and it sounds like is horrible as this was you still fought to make sure your marriage and family became better. While I hope every parent whose listings who may be in the middle of this is here and what you're saying about pouring in your marriage and about being on the same page in presenting a united front and about making a decision early on in this journey looking for to get through this, we gotta get through it together were both in a hard spot. Neither of us knows exactly the right thing to do. We wish we did and I think part of that journey may involve getting a copy of Craig's book and reading through it together and asking each other, what are we going to do in our situation, the book is called the painful path of a prodigal. You can find it in our family life today resource Center ordered from us online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to order again. The book is called the painful path of a prodigal by Craig Svensson order from family life today.com online or call 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life and in the word today. You know these weeks leading up to Thanksgiving and then to Christmas are times when as families we can be actively engaged in purposeful intentional discipleship with our kids to be talking this week about gratitude and thanksgiving looking at Bible versus the deal with that and then after the Thanksgiving holiday is over, to start pointing them toward the spiritual realities that are front and center in the Christmas season. It's just a great time of year to be focusing with your kids on what really matters. During these seasons.
Family life has created a resource that's designed to help moms and dads engage with kids during the Christmas season 12 ornaments that can be hung on a Christmas tree each ornament depicting a different name or a different title for Jesus called the 12 names of Christmas. We want to make this resource available to family life today listeners who can help support the ministry of family life today with the donation. Your donations make all that we do here at family life possible. Every time you donate what you're doing is helping extend the reach of this ministry so we can reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope. So if you can make a donation today go to family life today.com to donate online or call one 800 FL today and ask for a set of the 12 names of Christmas will send that out to you and you can use that as a resource with your children or your grandchildren during the Christmas season. They'll love it and we think you'll find it enjoyable as well, not tomorrow were to continue hearing from Craig Svensson about the very difficult season in their families life when their son moved away from his face and started making destructive choices. I hope you can join us as we continue the conversation. I don't think our engineer today. Keep links along with our entire broadcast production on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson and Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow