The Power A Wife Has For Building Intimacy In Marriage

Do you spend more time during the day thinking about your husband's weaknesses or his strengths is Dr. Julie Slattery when we focus on something we tend to find and when my heart is focused on what I'm unhappy about. And when I'm discouraged about.

I will find it similar to help me focus on where's the year-round where's the man that you created my husband to be focus on that and use the thing we treat our husbands like he is that hero. He starts becoming he start staffing and because there's power there in the Lord really convicted me in the power of my words and went on a call at that hero. While many discourage him from becoming this is family life today hosts are David and Wilson bopping you can funnel some on the family life today.com there is a hero inside almost every husband question is what can a wife do to help that hero step forward will talk more about that today.

Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. I think most wives want to help their husbands be all that God wants him to be. Don't you think I think so and I think we think for great help and we have all the solutions we can help her husband defeated best man ever. If you just listen to me more do what I say I've never heard that word to hear a message the day of this is a message we heard from our friend Dr. Julie Slattery.

Not long ago.

Julie is an author and the speaker and she is been with us at a number of family life events. She was speaking on the power a wife has building intimacy and oneness in her marriage and she said wives gotta recognize that her husband is longing for his wife's respect. He's longing for a helper, a companion and use longing for physical intimacy of the relationship. Those are priorities for him. I agree. I think as women we can hear the window, blah, blah. We've heard this all before.

But I think they we underestimate the power we have as women because we really do have a lot of power. Julie is can you explain how a wife can use her power well in these areas and how she can avoid some of the pitfalls.

So let's dive in and listen, here's Dr. Julie Slattery on the power wife has for building intimacy in her marriage to the older women are supposed to encourage the younger women to love their husbands and turned 50. A few months ago you feel better about think officially means that the older woman now so I encourage you marriage encourage you and how to build intimacy in your marriage to your writing you a member that he felt really in love on your wedding day you send the dreams that you have for your marriage. You remember what you love the picture on my wedding day 25 years ago that I know I was in love with my husband on my way and just felt so much love for him and excitement about our journey that would be mentioned that God had for us to tell you that a few days after this picture was taken maybe four or five days after this picture was taken. I was on my honeymoon. I woke up and was like oh my goodness, what do Morris my husband within a few days, and Mary started to take on a little bit of a different shade and so he was fun-loving and interests really excited me when we were dating when we got married. It became well being on time is not so important to them getting things that is not so important to the fact that he was just spontaneous things about him.

I didn't let them as much.

When we got somebody once said that marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter marriage trying to find again trying to build in to see. I know about women, especially you women if you know how to work hard on your marriage, don't you reason that you're on this cruise. Well, the food and other things that work hard on your marriage and the research shows that women work harder on their marriage and menu and surprise me when 90% of the marriage box lines written for men you you like even now we know how to work hard on her marriage alive times we don't how to work wisely on our marriage and I found this to be true in my own work really hard all my hard work actually seems to sabotage intimacy. Let me give an example about five years ago I was a Sunday morning, you know I'm going with this. My husband to get ready for church.

The kids are getting ready for church and I told you he's the spontaneous guys that he's not had time I work were really not time for church very often, but I have to say in his defense. My definition up on time is 15 minutes early, right. I want to be there in the front row ready to worship, but we are running late. We are writing, particularly late Sunday so we get the three kids in the car and my husband feels bad that were running lights like they watch this.

A second car, which doesn't make me any happier son about the fact that relate terrified about the fact that he is taking out our lives into his hands with his with his road skills church and we had one of those lights like yellow and turning red. You know we have to make that split decision and me.

I usually always break and he always done and this one was really squeezing the lemon and here it was like pushing through a yellowish red light and I knew he was going to go for like Andy's friend on the break.

Very naughty words about the fact that relate in the fact that he's driving too fast, but now I'm really mad about the fact that he said naughty word in front of our son Mike right I to sell out nice thing to say to the kids on the way to church and feel cozy towards me and it was a really good thing that we are driving to church because how long can you stay mad at each other when you're worshiping I think we made it through about one son praise you Lord you know and like.

Now it's your heart, then you won't hear God soften your heart. Realizing that situation is that I was working hard and actually doing the right things to go to church is right to be on time for church's right to obey the traffic laws right swear, but I was doing all the wrong ways and actually all my hard work ended up in talking intimacy, the spirit that I wanted to have with my husband and myself doing that again and again and again you realize as a wife is that for me to use my influence wisely for me to actually build intimacy to understand and so talk to you this morning about your husband's knee and your like right.

Can we talk about my needs.

Well let's hope that in the men's session. Mary did that but here's the thing that you already know your needs, that he spent a lot of time thinking about your needs and use the other thing women try to fix their marriages for thousands of years by focusing on their needs and it hasn't worked because there's no power and focusing on your needs and spend the rest of the time that we had this morning sharing with you how the Lord is taught me if I really want to build into the CMI marriage. I do it by focusing on what my husband say you ready for this. I talk about what guys need to let me ask you what you think your husband needs and marriage to shell out when you hear that now is a resounding well. Student men need a marriage validation well what food appreciation on what you guys are really think that ultimately just need three things from marriage and three very important. The first one is respect how many of you heard before that your husband needs your respect you feel like you really understand that just if you feel like I never really understood that.

I just know were told, you know you need love he needs respect, there's book, a book written about it. The Bible talks about respecting your husband and say that for many years in my marriage. I didn't really understand this or something like why such a big deal and what is actually look like quickly until the light started to show me as a clinical psychologist working with couples that this respect need is really unique to the masculine soul because men are wired with a unique vulnerability and that unique vulnerability is they long to be competent but they're afraid that they're not ice. I titled this talk, finding a here on your husband and about 20 years ago as a young wife. I wrote a book called mining the hero your husband as I was trying to understand how to build intimacy in my marriage and one of the things that they make you do as young authors they make you do book signings, which is very painful and so I had luck finding you and your husband and they had me go to a mall and sit behind a card table with a poster of the book cover behind me like on a Saturday and very few people would actually stop to buy books are like her but notice I would sit there for hours in malls behind this card table with this book behind me and I would just watch couples in the mall and Saturday and said here's what I see is these women would be walking with a purpose, and maybe shopping and there like you know they're on the mission and the husband is dragging behind him like I really don't all and any lookover he sees a poster finding you and your husband, me hero and don't be like yeah sure, other women that would just look at the poster and go right and re-team to this concept of finding you hereunder. Husband was so interesting because here's the thing that's something you can agree on, and marriage.

You both want your husband hero. Your spin wants to be your hero and he thought, but here's the thing you know every reason why he's not your hero marriage is so vulnerable because it exposes our deepest needs and our deepest fears and one of our husband's deepest needs. Is this idea of validation or competence.

It's like he's the kid that in a baseball game in the ninth-inning with two outs and the team is down by 11 rhyme and he's always wondering my to be the guy that strikes out and let everybody down arm. I can it be the guy that comes through and when I realize that my marriage to change the way that I viewed what it means to respect my believe that the teaching for women on respect and really respecting the leadership her husband speaks directly to this it's speaking to the hero's calling forth the hero it's telling your husband that you believe in who he is, even though you have enough experience with them that you see his weakness. You've seen him let you down in the past. This is one of your husband's number one needs is to feel years to truly know that you believe that he's your hero know will talk about some the tension of that in a minute talk about the second thing a husband needs needs companionship. Another way to put this is a husband need your help in the Christian church. We talk a lot about the respect, peace in our husband needs instead encourage him and cheer for him just one part of the equation because the Scripture says that one man was alone. God said not good not good for him to be alone I will make him look for them, they'll make. In other words, he should quit by himself. He can't be a hero unless he has his helper that is bringing another part of the equation so Scripture says finds a wife finds a good thing and you know the research bears that out. Married men. For example, work harder and less likely to be fired.

They earn 20% more income year.

They tend to wear it with almost 10 years longer than their single counterpart just by being married to you, your helper to your husband, and I think a lot of times we talk about women being helper. It sounds like that's like a second-place roll call, what Scripture presented as actually the word in the Bible that is translated as helpers. The work easier in that same word is used to describe the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives that he comes alongside and helps us now.

That's not to say that your job is to be your husband's Holy Spirit less I think about five you mentioned that as we talk about these two needs respect and companionship that there's attention. There you realize attention when you help your husband. Often it feels like you're not respecting there's attention of what do I tell him what to do. I tell him how to dress like Tomei is wrong because I'm helping, but that deteriorates the respect that he feels like he no longer feels like he's my hero. If I'm helping all the time and I definitely felt this tension in my marriage. There are times where I've said my husband in so many words. I wish you would lead us more. How many of you have wanted that from your husband. But then when he takes a step of leadership you like way to lead the way, I tell you what double-blind is in some manner, just like I give up. You know, I don't know whether she wants me to lead or follow her and we do feel this tension as women to know what is your spec look like along with bringing our strength along with bringing our insight along with bringing accountability and difficult line to locking I think about it like two wings of an airplane and one wing gets to be too much rather balance in the other wing gets to be too much rather balance in there sometimes in marriage we can be purging all the time. We can be supporting our husbands.

We can be speaking life into him, but were not confronting issues that need to be confronted or not speaking when the Holy Spirit lays in our heart to speak.

Helping in the other times in marriage when were all about helping but I husband doesn't feel support.

He doesn't feel respect.

He doesn't feel like is that hero is feels like he's following along with what were telling them to do is very difficult tension to walk and he is one thing that alert is taught me think about these two needs.

Almost like a bridge, and when you respect your husband you're laying down Frank's and when you're bringing help your walking on the planks and I can only walk as far as I lay down support like if I'm not respecting my husband if he does know I believe in them, then my help feels like a threat. But if I'm speaking life into him.

He trust me and he actually welcomes my help in my needs and you guys write out again talked about the third need you want to talk about sex.

That was not easy asking.

You want me to help you understand your husband's need for sex yes okay I so let's talk about sex for a minute and guys like these. Talk about for more than a minute about 80% of marriages men will identify sex as a unique separate need something that they feel like they need in marriage. Nice 80%. It's not 100% so that means that about 20% or maybe more of the marriage is represented in this room like I don't know what the big deal about husbands wanting sex is because that's not our marriage that's never been our marriage and if you're in that situation I wanted tell you you're not weird your marriage is not weird it's just that we have different dynamics in our marriage and so there's a tendency for this to be a really important need in a man's life that is not true in every single marriage but I think even if your husband is not somebody that has a high sex drive talks about sex. Sex is still an important need to understand in his life, so sex I can need for a man like why does he feel like this is a way that he connects with you and why do we not understand this. I remember this one time I was counseling this couple and they came in to work on their marriage and that some early on in the counseling. I said each of them. What would you like to see change your marriage if this counseling is successful.

What would be different for you and the women the woman when she was just waiting for this question. She had she had a whole list of things that she brought her husband to work on and so she's like well, he'll understand me more to help me with the kids pick up after himself, he or she had like five things that she wanted to change about her husband and her husband was just looking at is seen looking dejected nice and will have a you what you like to see different if counseling works and he disliked that because of more sex and the wife looked at me like like you get married only cares about and for women. The women knows like I know there's more to life in North American sex, but I had my psychologist like Wayne.

I like the fact that you brought this got a counseling and you've got a whole list of things that he wants you to change you want him to change and he says one thing and you roll your eyes.

Sounds like very convicted in that moment about my own marriage because often we hear this cliché that sex is important. A man that were supposed to be engaging in this and we don't take it seriously will look at why is this such a spectrum marriage for our husbands and the reasons that we could talk about why sex is important marriage, but I just want to mention one right here that sex is really an important way that your husband can close to you see this hormone in our body called oxytocin and oxytocin is known as the Connell hormone. It's what makes you feel close to someone and so when the ladies when we have babies make it for me to breast-feed. We get with oxytocin in our bodies that make us feel close to which is a really good thing because here comes out this little lizard looking thing and because of oxytocin. You look at this baby, like now, if you go back and look at those pictures. Many years later, you're like wasn't that cute but was really because without oxytocin. I think most of us would not take her babies home from hospital is like these rose-colored glasses were the difficulties of being a mom.

The research actually shows that because of oxytocin mother will have no problem changing her babies diaper like her babies poop literally smells less offensive to her and her babies poop like this is true, and so she's changing her baby just had a blowout doesn't bother at all. She's like eating a sandwich like a mustard goes into the nursery and change another baby diaper and she's like this child because of oxytocin. She did and she looks past the negative women we oxytocin in our bodies. In varying degrees. All out of life the most is in childbirth but if you go have coffee with a friend in your sharing deeply you get a dose of oxytocin that makes you feel really close to your friend if your husband holds your hand if you give you background you feel oxytocin don't work this way have a lot of oxytocin in their bodies and you can't buy it at whole foods and so they don't naturally feel close to us. The only time the man will get a significant dose of oxytocin is right after sexual intimacy, and when I realized this life unlike all so when he says it makes me feel close to you.

That's like really true. It's not just a line that they like. It's for real. And so I started to realize that this things sexually see what is not just unity was actually a way that I can connect with my husband and that he could feel close to me so there's a lot of reasons why sex is important to men in marriage why it's a unique need, and it is a need for women, but we don't usually identify it as a separate the men do and if we don't recognize that God created in this way, then we miss one of the very critical needs that they have so rehearsed with me. What are the three needs we talked about the right appear same with me. This fact companionship and sex right so what all those things have to do with building intimacy. I don't know, please tell me.

I seen this these three things have to do with building intimacy is these three needs represent more power zones as a wife. See here's the thing. When you have a need that I can meet.

It gives me power with you. If you have any that only I can meet. It gives me a lot of power with gives me a lot of influence. If you found out that you had a medical disease and I had the antidote and I was the only one on the ship with antidote.

I would get your attention right away because I'm the only one that can help you meet that need. Now, by God's design. He is given her husband's three very significant needs that by his design. You are the one who supposed to meet those needs and these three things give you power and so your three power zones.

When I say power zones.

I mean this is where you can influence intimacy in your marriage. These three power zones are how you can build intimacy and like I said there many times are women try to fix their marriage by thinking about what they want instead of realizing that the powers actually working on what he needs. So let's talk about these three power zones. First of all, respect how does respect your husband's need for respect give you power what gives you power because as we said your husband desperately wants to be your hero. He wants to be competent.

Think about the fact that he wakes up every day without knowing the answer without saying it out loud, but think about him waking up every day with the question in my your hero and you've got to make a decision thumbs-up or thumbs down pass or fail again. You know all the reasons why not so sure. But you have the power in your tongue of death or life. For example, you realize that you get to paint a picture for your children of who your husband is that your words frame.

For example, whether he's a workaholic that only cares about money and success, or that is working so hard because he loves us and he sacrifices for us. You get to paint the picture of which one is it in the fingers. Both are probably at some level true. When I struggled in my marriage, a man a lot of times when the when the Lord is brought me back to this idea of respect and how do I feel about my husband and what am I saying about him and what am I saying to them, and I can remember this particular time, maybe about 10 years ago on my marriage where I was really struggling. I was really struggling to feel respect for my husband feel intimacy feel like I still wanted to work on this thing and somebody gave me a really convicting book called what's it like to be married to me. If any of you read that book by Linda Della. It's a very courageous book to read and one of the challenges in that book was to sit down and write a list of the things that were good about your husband. The things you're grateful for and the challenge really came out of the Scripture and the Philippians chapter 4, you know that verse flipping chapter 4 verse eight finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think on these things and I realize that I had been reading this passage, not if anything is excellent or praiseworthy. But if everything is excellent or praiseworthy felt that way like not I'm going to think about this because I'm looking for the one thing that's excellent or praiseworthy, but I can't praise him unless everything is perfect and what really convicted me with that verse that God calls me to focus on not only when things are good, but whatever is good about. So I sat down with the Lord to make my list and to be perfectly honest, I started with the rest of the things that frustrated the book and say to you that I just felt like I had to get it off my chest as I sat down, wrote down all the things I was frustrated about men like okay what I'm up at that list decide. I started writing down what I love about my-everything from. I love his blue eyes. I love the fact that he's tall, has broad shoulders. I will love the fact that he's funny.

I love the fact that he's dependable and I just wrote down as many things that I can think of that I loved about my husband and by the time I got done writing down that list. I was just I really was in tears because I saw all the things that I was overlooking that I wasn't focused on and you know when we focus on something we tend to find it and when my heart is focused on what I'm unhappy about and what I'm discouraged about. I will find it, but what the Lord help me focus on where's the hero where's the man that you created my husband to be focus on that and use the thing we treat our husbands like he is that hero. He starts becoming he starts stepping into it because there's power there and you and I can walk into the same situation and choose to focus on the negative or the positive have ever walked in after being away at work or go on your husband is baby with the kids and the first thing you notice when you walk in his how messy the houses, or the fact that he didn't eat the meal that you prepared. He ordered pizza instead you get frustrated once.

Can you walk in and notice what he did well how the kids are having fun. I spend time with them going back to my example of church know what's more important that my husband is committed to going with me and our kids to church, or the fact that were 15 minutes late and what actually is better for my marriage being at church on time or having a harmonious relationship with my husband in the Lord really convicted me in the power of my words and why don't I call out that hero one minute scrimmage him from becoming that when we look at the fact that he needs my help and this gives me power. It's the idea that you all these things to offer your husband and the Lord was beginning to ask me what you compete with your husband or will you complete waste of this played out in my marriage is that my profession in my area study is that I'm a clinical psychologist and I study marriage and family so I know a lot about marriage and parenting and so I worked for about four years at Focus on the Family where my job was to interview marriage and parenting experts and so I got interview with the best of the best and I would come home with all this advice to give to my husband to tell him how he could be a better husband and a better father and how we could be better parents and how we could work on marriage and it became exasperating. He came to the point where I was correcting my husband about everything with my hopeful voice, which really wasn't helpful at all and began to see that as again. Julie's trying to compete with me. She thinks that she knows everything.

She thinks that she's got it all right. She doesn't ever give me a voice and it sinks in. The word really had to humble my heart. Help me to realize that even though I'm the marriage and family expert. My husband actually has pieces of this need and that my kids.

So let me give an example of this when we were making a big family move about maybe 12 years ago when moving from Ohio to Colorado. Our kids were really little and some few of them are struggling with this. Her oldest son Michael was about nine or 10 and he was having a really hard time with this move, and so is in his bedroom and he was crying it was crying about moving and neither psychologist might go in and help them. So I went in to help Michael and I'm processing his feelings with him and I'm validating you tell me how you feel Michael and you is understandable in size and about 15 minutes and then I started crying and so my husband years like Michael crying me cry like this is getting worse is a train wreck of processing so my husband comes in and he's a lighthearted one.

He kicks me out. He's like cannot hear you not helping. And so then within five minutes he had Michael laughing and excited about that journey ahead realizes that my kids don't need to moms.

They need a mom and dad so many times as moms and as women we feel like we have the answers, and we feel like we have this helped to give, and we do have helped again but we have to be really careful in how we do that how often we do that in the word's been teaching me that there are times when I just I just need to be quiet and the reason my husband may not step in the leadership is because unlike him and in room two with all of my help. Yes, there is a time to step there's a time to speak. There's even times to confront. But are we doing that wisely and prayerfully the time to confront is not when your husband is limited dishwasher wrong. There are times really need to keep her mouth shut and prayerful about God when, how do you want me to use this power that you given me with my husband to address the issues that really matter know we got this issue about sex, you know that sex is a lot of power in man's life. We know that in culture everybody's after using sex in a way that's powerful but it's not just a culture, if you look at the Scripture the most godly man that ever lived.

David the strongest man that ever live Sampson the wisest man that Philip Solomon they all fell because of the power of sex and we think about sex in a way where the power is bad because it causes people to patient causes in the fall. You know God is made sex to be a powerful thing in a man's life or positive reason because it gives you power in your relationship with them.

Good power now want to be really careful about how I say this I remember when I was young wife. I went to a marriage eventually had a woman session and the woman was talking about sex and she looked different. First, pending chapter 7 and she which is the wifely duty passage of don't recognize that, but she was talking about the power that sex has in her husband and her message was if you don't use that power. If you don't give your man sex and somebody else is going to use that power and I took that as a young wife very seriously and there was a good message there, but but it was it was. Not presented wholeheartedly in a way that was helpful and here's why. First, bought maybe fearful and maybe fearful that if I don't mean my husband sexual needs and somebody else. Well, and if you accept pornography or he cheats on me.

It must be my fault. That's not true I'm not accountable for my husband sexual choices, I'm accountable for how I use my power in our relationship. There's a big difference between the two. The second problem with it was that I began to approach my husband and the sexual relationship, and my marriage totally just wanting to meet his. And I think this happens in a lot of marriages you have one person who is really outspoken about their sexual needs and another person who doesn't really think about her doesn't really feel a lot of sexual needs and the whole relationship revolves around getting that person's needs met and this is what I did in my marriage and so for about 10 or 15 years of my marriage. Sex is all about. My husband needs that I better give it. There was no fun in it for me.

Actually, it was physically painful for me and I was like well I guess this is my lot in life and the more I read in Scripture about sexual intimacy. The more I realize that that is not the completion of God's design was meant to be that even though they were buried way down deep inside of me. I sexual needs to actually first Corinthians 7 before ever talks about a woman's obligation to meet her husband sexual needs. It says husband is obligated to meet his wife sexual needs, even if he doesn't know how to study her and awaken her sexually. So when we talk about the power of sex. Here's what I want you to wear. It's not just your husband sexual needs. Given more sex. I don't want you to hear that it's an invitation on the journey to share this most important part of his life because your husband sexual needs is not just about what physically it's about this area of his life that can become very secretive.

It can be filled with temptation can be felt shame. It can be filled with longing. It can contain areas of his life reason afraid of intimacy and I've learned over 25 years to move past just focusing on what is the immediate need of my husband focusing on what is it look like to share truly share this part of his life with him to talk about it to pray about it journey together to learn together and there's far more power in that than just the message that your husband has a physical because the physical need is only a piece of and women.

I believe that these three needs. Give us great power by God's peace sign and I'm jealous for that power in my husband's life. I want to be the number one person that says you're my hero.

I believe in you. I want to be the number one person that says I'm on your team. All that I have is yours.

I want to help you. I want to be the number one person. The only person in his life that's on that journey with him in terms of what sexuality looks like. But the problem is I don't always use that power.

Well, sometimes in marriage we ignore our power because of fear because of insecurity.

We don't step into it. I think even sometimes misunderstanding the biblical teaching. We don't think that a godly woman should be powerful but actually I think the Scripture says God created us as powerful. It's not the fact that we are not what we doing with it using our power to build or tear down some women. At times we ignore our power. I think more often we tend to use our power we use it in a way that tears down intimacy and there a couple different ways we do this. The first way we do.

This is what I call the bulldozer and the bull just you know your powerful you know your powerful woman you like.

I got an opinion. My opinions better get out of my way and your husband feels that your husband feels that you always know what's right you don't trust him into your disk and make decisions and ladies. We do this out of fear you in the Scripture talks about submitting to our husbands. It says don't give way to fear when I'm fearful I want to be a bulldozer if you're bulldozer, you tend to treat your husband almost like he's one of your children.

You joke about it. I tell him what to do, just like you would with one of your children, looks like this.

Your husband will always be your biggest and only child that requires the most adult supervision. Know this is the way that our culture talks about men think of them as children.

Why would they step into becoming heroes and if you have a tendency to be a bulldozer because that's all you know because you've just been captured by fear. Here's the thing your husband cannot grow in that environment if easily kill stay week if he strong he'll go somewhere where his strength is going to be appreciated, but that's not the only way we can use her power instead of a bulldozer.

I'm a Stealth bomber and a Stealth bomber is the manipulator Stealth bomber is, you know, under the radar.

No one knows there there drops the payload zooms out in the husband's like what just happened, why am I doing dishes manipulator because of my clinical psychologist you want to do dishes. I want to do dishes all the ways that I've wanted to manipulate my sometimes it's it's using skills of psychologies. Sometimes it's turning on the tears just at the right time, but often what it is you can make that decision to tell you not to, but under the under the between the lines between see what happens display you see how I react. We withhold and this is the worst of it. I told you so.

That's because you never listen to me, manipulating it is learning that is married to manipulator and heard me speak on this said he got my tricks so one time. I have a conversation. I'm working some of my magic does wait a minute later, Shields activated because me because of my Jedi mind tricks is like the now working on me but the bulldozer does that just doesn't more subtly, because when I manipulate I'm really saying I don't trust you. When I manipulate I'm really saying I'm in a punish you if you don't need the way I think you should. It's not trusting others 1/3 way we abuse their power and I call this kryptonite know Superman is strong as he is kryptonite from the room shrinks right kryptonite is when he we humiliate our husbands. It's that one thing you say in front of friends or even when you're alone that you know is his soft spot. The one thing that embarrasses him and you know your man well enough to know what that is and might be about how much he earns and might be about sexuality and might be bringing up a failure from his past and we can be building a husbands building our husbands, but sometimes just that one thing we do that humiliates just he just shrinks like all of his strength is just gonna be done unfortunate enough to be married to husband who will tell me right away when I do it so I don't do it again.

You see God's given us power not to ignore it. Not to abuse it.

Use it wisely. One of my life versus is Proverbs 14 one. It says the wise woman builds her house, but with their own hands.

The foolish one characters down and ladies, I have been guilty of tearing down my husband more times than I will. I wish to count, not because I wanted to but because I wasn't submitting my power to the Lord and using it wisely. And I've been on a journey with the Lord now for 25 years of what is it look like to wisely use my power in a way that will build intimacy that will build my husband now. I wrote the book on this 20 years ago and for the last 20 years. I can't say I followed that advice all the time there time they need to go back and read my own book and read them like I wrote this I don't do this like I get convicted, but the Lord every time I struggle in my marriage I'm faced with a difficult situation, he brings me back to these principles in this collection. What are you doing with your power. I can't change my husband. I can't change his heart, but I have great influence with them and what am I doing with that influence and there are so many ways that I've seen God. Be faithful in helping our marriage and building intimacy. Because of these principles, but that's not the only reason I do it. God does not promise us that if we use our power wisely that we will have a great marriage. I know some of you in this room and in studio BI marriages that are really difficult and I can't promise you that your husband is going to dramatically change in a month he's going to be a different guy.

I think these principles will help. Here's what I can promise you in the promise that I cling to. This is not about a perfect marriage. It's about being faithful to the Lord.

Marriages are all good and someday they're not eternal, and one day you and I are going to stand before the Lord and were not to give account for husbands and were not to give account for marriages, but we will give account for what we've done with what God is giving me. I will give account for whether or not I've been faithful to the Lord and that's what I want to focus on because what the Lord promises is that his eyes search to and fro throughout the earth to look for heart that is fully committed to him that he might support it.

When I lived in Colorado.

I remember going to a national park so beautiful there and being on this really high and looking over this Valium like thousands and thousands of aspen trees and it was just turning false so almost all the trees were green and the remaining 12345 trees among thousands point out the bright yellow lines. Maybe a visual of what it means throughout your heart link committed promise you got support will we be listing to Dr. Julie Slattery talking about the power light has for building them will see you in her marriage. I have to imagine some wives were thinking okay I can recognize some areas where I can do a little better. Oh yeah Julie why did you have to go there but I love how Julie always takes us back to the Lord Jesus and the power that we have through him and maybe our circumstances aren't changing overnight. They may not change, but we still can walk with him, keep our eyes on Jesus, and he gives us hope and every day. You know, I would say I'm sure Bob and Arthur can help every every wife was close of the life I know I do know I'm sitting beside my wife and she respects me and it's the most powerful inspiring thing in my life. She's my best friend she is my companion.

I went up 1/3 area, but the intimacy as well. I mean those three our core in a man's heart and when his wife is beside him and speaking and living those into his life. It brings it brings a man alive makes a man a better man, and I would hope our listers would go to our website family.today.com Julie's messages about an hour long. We displayed a portion of today, but you can double the entire message and pass it on to others.

In fact, I should just mention here we are today and many of the messages you hear on family life today are available on our website for free download. You can also listen to this program regularly on the family life mobile app which is brand-new. You can double bet for free from your app store on your mobile device.

All of the content we have available articles, podcasts, links to audio and video, but all available to you at no cost because family life is committed to providing practical biblical help and hope for your marriage and your family and because there are listers like you who have said, we want to help make this available for moms and dads of husbands and wives to benefit from.

So thanks to those of you who support the program. All of these resources are available for free@familylifetoday.com, including the complete version of Dr. Julie Slattery's message that we heard a portion of today downloaded on one gimmick family life today.com though I've mentioned this earlier this week, but we have a a small group starting next Thursday night could go three weeks. This is for married couples will be talking about what first Corinthians 13 has to say about what real love looks like a marriage relationship and we want to invite you to join the live family life love like you mean that small group at school start at 7 o'clock central time and you can get all the information and sign up to be part of the small group when you go to our website. Family life today.com go to the website look for more information and plan to join us for about an hour next Thursday night and for two Thursdays after that three weeks in a row. The love like you mean it.

Marriage small group on Facebook live again all the details are available@familylifetoday.com and we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend.

I hope you can join us back on Monday to talk about how challenging and disorienting it can be when someone loses a job unexpectedly. A lot of people had to go through this crime camp and his wife Deborah join us to talk about how we walk through that challenging season to improve the engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our host Steven M. Wilson and Bob team. See you back Monday for another edition of family life, family life, to use the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A clue ministry help for today hope