Beyond Broken

More than 25 years ago when Sandy Patty started a blended family.

She had no way of knowing the challenges that would be ahead for her email. Blended families are all born out of last whether it that the death of a spouse and remarried Terry death of the marriage and remarriage, but it's always born out of last for our situation.

It was also born out of brokenness.

We have reasons there's no plane lays with anyone but the two of us. This is family life today hosts are Damien Wilson and Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com will hear today from Sandy Patty and her husband on pessimists about what it's like to start a marriage and a family when both of you are in the middle of a season of great brokenness. Stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us those of our blisters who are of a certain age I think and wait if it will recognize the name Sandy Patty, I mean I remember the first time I heard Sandy Patty on the radio and I thought what a voice just amazing. I saw her in concerts throughout the 80s. By that time she was already a Grammy and double award-winning artist and then all of a sudden at the beginning of the 90s things got derailed for her because there was a divorce. There was infidelity and her image her career or her public persona.

Everything tarnished that it did get tarnished and and a lot of people that may be the last they've heard of Sandy Patty. When that happened, working here and update on sort of the rest the people of a certain age will reference as well.

Our run deal who gives leadership to family life blended had the opportunity to visit.

Not long ago with Sandy and her husband on pessimists who have formed a blended family out of the ashes of what happened in Sandy's life and career. They talked about this on Ron's podcast which is called family life blended if you're in a blended family or know someone who is, and you're not yet listening to the family like blended podcast go to our website family like today.com rounds, got a number of episodes. These are so helpful, so good. And Ron spent time with Don and Sandy walking through what happens when a blended family is formed in the middle of shame and guilt and condemnation. That is all very public. I think you'll appreciate their openness and honesty Don Sandy you know this isn't true for everyone in a blended family by any means, but sometimes folks in a blended family, their family came about because of less than ideal circumstances.

Sometimes it was an unhealthy or unwise choice. Sometimes it was a sinful choice, but we believe and we know that there is hope in Christ there is forgiveness in Christ and like all sin. There is redemption beyond our worst moments. Now, having said that you guys got started off on the wrong foot that fair to say yeah definitely leave off and said you know, blended families are all born out of last whether it death of a spouse and remarried Terry death at the marriage and remarriage, but it's always born out of last for our situation. It was also born out of brokenness.

We have reasons there's no plane lays with anyone, but that you have and as we were traveling on the road together and just developed a friendship that friendship became much more than it should be outside of Mary Chen.

There was so much that I left watching Don with Ken send.

He just left on my kids as we travel 10 just so much respect and I didn't understand boundaries like now we just found ourselves in situations that we just never thought we would find ourselves in our marriages.

Other marriages were ending we kind of overlap the process and I don't smirk at that lightly. I'm just it's hard to say yes, but I think that Don and I want to share pieces of our story that can encourage not excuse other people and give them an easy out, but to encourage them. Brokenness not alone. People who've walked them can offer some words of advice, sending a friend of mine once said, if you can make a mistake, at least make a new one from Mars. Learn learn from other people. So even now, Sandy would tell me 25 years.

She has been married when T5 yet still difficult talking about that season of your life.

Don is still hard for you.

It is hard because it's always hard when the kids were little, we talked about when you mess up, fess up, so that's a great thing and it's so hard because the enemy wants us when we mess up to keep us away from the option and you know really. The Lord is saying hey, he's the author making things and taking broken relationships and broken things and making something beautiful come out of that but absolutely wrong. We could, you know hindsight I don't I wish I had said hindsight is always 20/20 and it's really great when things can have a proper ending and the new things can have a proper beginning but sometimes it doesn't work out that way.

So, absolutely, as we look back and if couples find themselves in this and as we did. You know the last thing we want to do is stay away from the church of the Lord because he wants us there to bring ourselves in our process and he can help sift through with love all of that and so yes, it is difficult yet. Ron, it's not because to say God wasn't there and admits that he was there in redeeming even through the roughest of times. Does it make sense it makes a lot of sense and really that is so important for people to remember you are one of the things I really appreciate about you guys and your willingness to talk about.

This is because I often find what everybody who's honest, looks in the rearview mirror and says me blown it so many times there. There is so many sins I could see the consequences and sometimes the ripples just keep going from the cut from the sin and choices we've made in the past. If were honest and therefore humble before God, which is always the posture that we should have, not just when we come in faith, but to walk in faith every single day. We have to own that about ourselves and the point is in owning that we also submit ourselves to the redemptive work of Jesus absolutely has yet we can hold shame over ourselves we can beat ourselves we can live in a place where we cannot celebrate who we are today in Christ, and I think that's really unfortunate. I love it.

Were talking about you guys 25 years later, faithful, loving, committed to one another.

Moving forward, both deeply involved in ministry and the circles God is put you your children are involved in ministry all kinds of things are happening with them now as adults and you can hold your head up.

Yes I say yes? Because it's so easy to pull that machine back out from the foot of the cross. How do we pull the story that can encourage without pulling that Shane that keeps us down. There are just things that you know I wish I we we both wish and not just in this situation, but either I wish I could have said something differently. Just this week can tell one of my kids. I just I said something that was, not meant at all sensitive and yet the minute I sent it.

It was like I wish I could take that back.

I can't take that back. All I can do and I think this is what Don and I have really tried to do is when God really finally got her attention and kindness that we need to take care of some staff first if were even and that was to walk through along with our church body in Indiana, a biblical sepsis of restoration, the recognition you first you have to. You just have to go yes I recognize then you have to repent and that doesn't mean just saying I'm sorry, that means changing turn turn around and there's restitution and I think a lot of times we forget about restitution going to people saying the words that you got to say and we you now had quite a list of people that separately and individually. Together we we went to and then reconnecting reconnecting with a group of people who are going to hold you accountable who work in a walk with you walking with someone doesn't always mean you agree with everything they've done.

It means you can stand with them you're gonna encourage him to just do the next right thing and then the number. The fifth one is restoration closure. That's a hard one for me because there does come a time when you've done all that to leave it at the foot of the cross and I think that's what I was talking about when when do we pick that story up without picking the shame. Sometimes that's a very deliberate picture image in my mind especially when I'm tired. I've been on the road or those get really sticking together and just even coming to be honest, even coming into this interview and chat with you today. I found that just a few moments I've had to just stop and say just pick up the story don't pick up the Shane if I don't believe that God has forgiven me in this. I don't believe he forget to step in here we been listening to an excerpt from Ron deals family life blended podcast conversation he had with Sandi Patty and her husband Don passed close talking about their blended family course. Many balusters know Sandy from her recording career and her concerts and she was very transparent here about the reality of a marriage that began in less than desirable circumstances at a marriage where it's born out of a cauldron of shame and you just think about the impact of your walking and try to form a new marriage and there's this mantle of shame that you're carrying with you every day. Hard to start a relationship only that even to walk through that with your kids knowing the shame and embarrassment at anything to carry but I love her line, just pick up the story don't pick up the shame she so honest there at the end it. I think sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I'm as hard as it is the forgive someone deeply hurt you to look in the mirror carry that shame and realize God died for that. He removes it. You have to appropriate that to live it, I think may be my favorite hymn verse and all of hymnody. There is a second verse to him the him before the throne of God above the second verse says, when Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt with them upward. I look and see him there, who made an end to all my soon because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free for God. The just is satisfied to look on him and pardon me, and that's the message of the gospel that all of us come back to whether your sin was big and bold in public or whether it was private and nobody knows but you and God.

We've all got it in our background and we all stand equally condemned apart from God's saving grace in our lives were to listen to a second excerpt from Ron deals conversation with Don and Sandy pessimists. Again, this is part of the family life blended podcast series, you can go to family life.com to listen to this entire episode or listen to other episodes from Ron's podcast.

But in this second segment, Don and Sandy talk about processing shame and how to think about it correctly.

Think about it biblically. I was in full-time ministry at the time and really took a timeout from 92 to 2012 till my current senior pastor Marty Grubbs and I sat down I was on the 35th floor. The petroleum club had come to Oklahoma City for an entirely different vocation. But God was a part of all of that process that redemptive 20 years really and I likened it to putting on a letter jacket with the big day on it and the enemy.

The enemy stood there every day saying here's your letter jacket as you get ready to go to work that was put our jacket on our jacket of shame okay because he can keep us down. Yes, if we don't tell our story. If we don't share with others. That's the only place God's redemptive miraculous grace can be seen so if the enemy do the math. If the enemy keeps us from sharing and keeps us from talking and keeps us with the objective. Shame on nobody.

Here's currently about all of us that are broken what God has done for all of us to redeem us, so it took Marty Grubbs to say to me in 2012 hey Don, what you stop in on that jacket and we all we grade sin, it will say will that's an A+ in oh well, that's a B- to give him a C+ on that any missing of the mark is a missing of the market.

If the enemy can keep us. I'm not minimizing here but I'm saying the light is better.

The light is good. Let's walk in the light as he is in the light and thin the blood of Christ can cleanse us. You see at the end of the day what you're talking about is what everybody listening has to do day in and day out about what ever arson marketed every one of the weather was one of the A+ sentence or see mind is made to make their profits minor profit.

Yes, now sometimes the shaking the shame shaking the consequences of our son. But there always consequences what exactly exactly right, exactly, but shaking the shame depends on whether was an A+ or C- in a dozen of different things carry a different amount of baggage with them, but I am just sitting here so grateful that your doing what you're doing, even as were talking I just have to say the secular world of neuroscience in the last 10 years and studied shame a lot and what all the experts have come down to is exactly what you guys have just said and demonstrated for us right now. They talk about you tell your story right you guys said you have to recognize if take responsibility for. You have to verbally tell the narrative. That's called confession you have to recognize what what's there and the pain that it brings you. You can't run away from it.

You got opponent. You gotta you gotta deal with it. You gotta repent, you gotta change your heart. You gotta make restitution you gotta reconnect to a community community is so important to helping alleviate shame when others are coming along and affirming us like your pastor saying take off your coat. It's time you can do this. It's all right were with you, your worthwhile your valuable all of that stuff is so important and then one of the biggest pieces they talk about is just practicing putting down the shame and I just watch Sandy to do that. She just said I have to remind myself even now I can leave it there and it's not mine to pick up so everything God has told us is exactly what we need to do to wrestle with what we feels left over from the past indeed and when Paul says, putting the past behind and looking towards what is ahead. I really think that he's not mean just forget it, minimize it Barry it because we bury it alive, but to put it in its proper place.

Understand that we can give you a lot of reason I can give you a lot of reasons that I was able to make healthy choices there still not excuses and have to understand though why so we don't do them again putting our past behind so we can move ahead.

You know I had a thought a minute ago as you were talking I think regret is different than feeling like God can't love you but sometimes those get confusing to us that we can have regrets over something we did something we said in the past it's different when we say that mistake makes it impossible for God to love us now my my dear friend she loves. She says something really powerful and it's about guilt and shame since guilt tells us we've done something wrong. Shame says we are something and I think that's kind what you're saying is there is normal conviction of the Holy Spirit of you know that uneasiness when we know we hurt someone that we just gotta have a conversation and then there's that. I am just one word.

The to even be in the conversation about what it means to be left right and that's what we put on her. So that's the enemy talking to us where were now doubting God's ability to love in spite of us were now doubting God's ability to forgive. Based on our past that were listening more to what others are saying and what the enemy is saying to us than were listening to what God has promised to do and it is so easy to do that. I mean I think everyone of us can relate to that. Especially people who are trying to walk in the light like you really are wanting to do what's right. The minute you cross that line into. I'm now unworthy of unforgivable. We've lost sight really of Christ sacrifice. Somebody asked that I get asked a lot in interviews. What would make my life richer and it's always the same answer that I really really believe in God's word says I love you with an everlasting love that he just means that. If I'm really woke up every day how I live my day out differently if I really believed he was not going to stop letting me I think I'm closer to that used to be. I'm still not there will again we been listening to an excerpt from Ron deals family like blended podcast conversation he had with Sandi Patty and her husband Don past lists about their marriage about the brokenness that was there at the beginning about God's healing work in their marriage and that message of hope is a message that a lot of marriages need today as I listen to Sandy. I was struck by how were so conditional in our love for one another that it really is hard to understand and grasp God's unconditional love for us the same thing is grace is truly amazing and I have to agree with her. I don't know if I understand fully either and I've been walking 40 some years and it's like, am I really, really, that loved in the middle of my brokenness and the answer is yes if I lived that you be so free. You know when you'd run to the Savior because you know he smiling and I think of the apostle Paul's prayer in Ephesians chapter 3 where he says that we, being rooted and grounded in love would have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you can be filled with all the formalists of God to be our prayer for every listener, and in fact I hope our blisters will go to our website. Family life to.com to hear Ron deals entire conversation with Sandi Patty and Don past lists and hear them talk about how they have come to a place where they can now celebrate what God has done in their marriage by his grace, in spite of how it all began hear more about the blending of their two families with a house that eventually had eight kids, including 37-year-olds at the same time, go to family life to.com for information about Ron deals family like blended podcast and a link to this particular episode and there's also information on our website about an event that is going on right now is going on yesterday and today the summit on stepfamily ministry which we been doing online this year. People been watching from all over the world listening to speakers like Ron and then deal Ed Stetzer Laura put the bridge. Rob boot had low others who are joining us this year to help equip people to more effectively know how to minister to people in blended families and you can connect with this event today and have access to what has already happened to go to family life to.com to register for the summit on stepfamily ministry. When you register you will not only be able to join what's going on live today, but you will be able to review what's already happened. Go back and view it again. In fact, you will have access to all of this content for a full year.

So find out more about the summit on stepfamily ministry happening right now. Go to family life to.com for more information or call us if you have any questions, one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. By the way, thank you to those of you who make family life to a possible you also make events like this summit on stepfamily ministries possible. All of our events, our resources, our website or broadcaster podcast. Everything we do in family life is fueled by people like you who say this kind of practical biblical help and hope for our marriages really does matter. So thank you for your support of this ministry.

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I hope you can join us on Monday when working to talk to Ms. McConnell.

He lives in Scotland and he shares with us what it was like for him growing up in a home where pretty regularly knew his stepmother was going to be physically abusive. Talk to Ms. on Monday. Hope you can be with us for that. I want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Payne see you back next time for another edition of family life today, family life, to use a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

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