Why Won’t My Husband Lead?

Dave Wilson has always been a confident take charge kind of guy, but early on, leaving his family spiritually. That was intimidating for him. I felt like I could lead in other areas of my life better than I can leave my wife spiritually earn my kids fiercely part of it was I was trained. You know, as an athlete so I can walk on the field and feel confident I get a degree. I went to seminary I have and understand nothing.

I'm great, but I can preach. I know how to lead a church, an outcast vision and 1/2 and then I walk in my back door and I felt a paralysis like I don't want to do this is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine to find us online@familylifetoday.com. What should a man do if he feels inadequate to lead his family spiritually and is there anything his wife can do to encourage him to talk more about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. I would imagine as you talk to wives about Bob.

I don't talk to your wife a good talking to and making sure if if you're talking to wives about frustrations and marriage about the things that that they wrestle with the things they wish could be fixed or could be different. Could be better. What were to talk about today is probably if it's not at the top of the list, its top three. Don't you think I think so, and after 30 years. I'm amazed that this still rises to the top of issues that women are so frustrated with and are looking for answers. Please tell me if that have to do with watching football on their way. You know it it in a way it could. It depends on the hearing on what's going on. The guys life because the issue is is a wife's frustration when a husband is failing to initiate to take the lead to lead the relationship specifically deleted spiritually, but it can just be his failure to lead in general to be passive rent. I sat down with the woman a couple weeks ago and she said I'm thinking of filing for divorce and if you tell me what's going on. She said I'm married to a good man.

He's a good father, but he is the most passive man I've ever met. He doesn't lead spiritually and he never wants to initiate anything. I'm always leaving the family.

When I hear Blakely what this should look like. It doesn't look like it should.

And I'm the one always leading what should I do, and she's thinking what I should do is I should bail.

She's thinking there must be someone else out there that would do a better job so that the level of this contentedness that comes from husband's failure to lead spiritually to lead in general is something that it's not just an annoyance. This goes to the heart of what we long for in a marriage relationship right think all women are to that point of saying I might file for divorce and I think they're lost in thinking, what do I do can I do anything besides pray for my husband so I'm here with two expert, I was just thinking the opposite. I was to get okay honey Bob and I are sitting here with a wife. No no no no were not turning it. I think I held by always know how to respond.

Okay here's my first question then what do women want what does that wife want what do you want from your man in the area of leading spiritually. Well, I think as women we hear when it looks like to be a spiritual leader so maybe that involves initiating prayer with her family or some sort of dialogue about God with our kids or initiating saying hey kids, hey honey, let's get ready and go to church instead of a wife saying are we going to church today. Are you going to go with me. I couldn't go with the kids. Someone whose modeling their pursuit of Jesus you've acknowledged that you had kind of an idealized vision of what that was supposed to look like when you first got married hello yes you thought St. Dave was going to do a particular way and you had to do some correction to your thinking because your expectations were amended would talk about St. Dave somebody would have to be a saint in order to live up to what were your expectation. I think we do that as women we have a picture of what godly men are doing in their homes. Mindless Dennis Rainey Dennis by talking, I thought Dennis is leaving his family every day in prayer, reading the Scriptures. He's calling them together and they're all sitting at his feet, saying dad teach us and so I was hoping Dave would initiate that at least some sort of a time with Jesus as a family. Is that not a realistic expectation rhyming first got to go back and say is that really what happened in the Rainey hassle answer is no, and I may not say it was bad but it wasn't that. So I think a lot of wives do what you did. It's like the big glorified are they actually create an unrealistic expectation you they see it is not even real.

Same thing they do with a minimum married Prince charming.

You know, sort of. This the romantic glamorized thing and so I think you have to go down and say okay what what should it look like but then as the man you got ask okay why am I not leaving. So with your wife who's thinking my husband, the spiritually passive.

He never does anything. Maybe the first place to start in your conversation with her is what is the expectation is that a realistic expectation and are you expecting him to be more than most men are capable of being that which is not to say that I shouldn't step up and do something. But maybe this guys doing nothing, but I do think some wives need to have their glorified image adjusted before we get them and start talking about how the man needs to get in shape right think that's true. I think it's really easy, and we do that we all do this when you look at a family or a pastor or radio host like Bob the fee is really easy when you see them on the screen or you listen to them to create an image that's not even real, you know, I mean people literally at our church is in and I often would together speak on marriage and we share our weaknesses and share struggles and we'd see them later in the lavender like we know it's really not as bad as you sounded like no it's worse when you made an error like there's just no way that you really struggle like you said, because your Dave and in and it's like wow they don't really think the struggles that real, it's that real.

And so I think you're right. It's got a bring it down a little bit. It probably did look like that in the Rainey household doesn't look that like that in the Wilson household. But what is realistic and what could it should it look like I remember a conversation we had a number of years ago with Elizabeth Elliott when she was still alive and she used an illustration I've never forgotten.

She said if if you walk up and there's a guy who's got on a plain white shirt, a business shirt dress shirt buddies have a an ink pen in his pocket and that ink pen has leaked and there is 1/4 size purple spots at the bottom of his pocket, she says, what, where do your eyes go and what you focus on new focus on the spot that's there and she said now how much of the shirt is still white. Most of the shirt. 99% but your eyes keep getting drawn to the flaw. What is wrong. I think that's another part of this equation where husbands or wives can become so fixated on the flaws that we see our spouses that we fail to remember and to recognize the good things that we've come to take for granted. I think you're right. Now we can focus on the weaknesses we see the things that need to change. We do that ourselves as women instead of looking at ourselves holistically in the near we look at all the flaws and we don't see any of the good, and it's easy to do that in marriage, and I think to especially if you're a stronger woman and a woman that's a leader and maybe her husband is in a strong we expect him to become this man that is stronger than us, and that may never happen.

I know that I don't you and bring this up at a member and back before coven. You said you got a text from a woman in our churches said I'm want to leave my husband because he doesn't want to go to church because he doesn't want our kids around this virus and I will shake hands yeah and so is didn't want to go to church and she's like I want to come in and just serve relayed the story and if so, we can say or tell him what you said because I thought was really beautiful. She was looking at the negative. He said he's bringing bad example to our kids because he's being unfriendly to other people. What I said wise isn't good that you have a husband who's being protective of you who's watching out for you who's watching out for the kids.

Maybe you approaching in that vein and saying thank you for being such a protective husband and protective father. Here's a principle that I've learned in marriage in Marion that I've talked about this many times.

Most of the times in our marriage where we are observing weaknesses.

Weaknesses are strengths that get overused or overplayed. So a weakness manifests itself when were taking something like I want to be a protector to my family and we overused that or we overemphasize that to the point that now, all of a sudden it becomes debilitating or somebody who is passionate about things and you think lots of strength that somebody would be a passionate person but when you overused passion. It can become anger or it can become too emotionally laden example of that. Well let's say a person is is analytical okay and so there are good at analyzing what are the circumstances and and what's going on or what's the right thing to do and they overused their analytical side but they devalue. What's the emotional makeup that's going on here. We have to do in a situation like this is recognize that behind a weakness. There's often a strength that is just being over played and if we can value the strength if you can say to your spouse. One of the things I love about you is how passionate you are, sometimes you lean into that a little too strong and it winds up being a problem for us.

That's different than why are you always so angry right and in the case that you mention where husband is saying I don't want the kids to get exposed to this will.

There's a strength there.

He wants to be a protector. That's what you're pointing up to your friend. Is he overusing but I can have that conversation about this is to protective. Is this where where does the fear come from that's right you to go deeper so again were talking to a wife was frustrated about her husband not leaving the relationship spiritually were saying you have a realistic expectation. Are you valuing the good things about your spouse. The principal were following here is before you go to try to fix your spouse have you looked at your own eyes the logs that are in your own eyes. Have you gone through a checklist and said okay I need to really think this through carefully, rather than just jumping on the one thing that's frustrating to me right here, let's talk about this as man what motivates you maybe tend to be more passive as a man are not as strong of a leader, how can we as a wife motivate you in those areas of leading me.

I laugh because it's like every man is motivated by praise by affirmation by appreciation. Every woman is to actually but I know that when you and any wife sorted critiques or is disappointed and you sorta think like you gnawing to be the coach that's going to kick him in the rear and it's going to get going was helping her now and obviously there times where that that does work there coaches. It use at times and it works but generally I think for me as a man I can't speak for Bob but I've talked to a lot of men that feel like that D motivates. Yet when you praise. I've said this many times when you started praising who I was as a man I actually didn't think I was that good that you were saying I was. But I wanted to be. So it motivated me to be the man you said I was that I wasn't yet which it make a sense that it was motivating, and again, unless every man is motivated that way but it made me step up. I agree with that and Bob, would you is not true for you. I think I think it is.

I've said for years. The guys are not going to keep playing the game that they're not good at. Guy goes out and plays golf three or four times because I'm just not get the hang of this. He's not gonna keep trying to conquer it. He'll dissemble go to something that I'm good at what he's tried leaving his family spiritually through four times and he just goes this does not work at all and I feel like a failure, then he's not motivated to try the fifth time. He just says I will try something else.

Is this obviously doesn't work so if a wife can come along and say here's what I saw you mad at you. It's what you did with Dave. You've shared the story on family life to the about acknowledging the power he had in your son's lives and how they listen to him and how they gravitated and you pointed that out and you said I'm jealous of the power get you caring and when Dave heard that he goes out there. There is something here that I'm good at and you leaned in the yeah and I think for me and I I've talked enough men to know this is common. I felt like I could lead in other areas of my life better than I could leave my wife spiritually on my kid spiritualize that will part of it was I was trained. You know, as an athlete so I can walk on the field and feel confident you know, I know what to do. I know how to read this coverage. I prepared give me the ball. Let's go get a degree.

I went to seminary I have and understand us and I'm great but I can preach. I know how to lead a church in a cast vision and not and then I walk in my back door and I felt a paralysis like I want to do. I don't know it.

She wants her expectations are way appearance was the walking to be Dennis Rainey, you know you know what that means but I hear it all the time and no I usually prefer. I don't remember class in seminary about leaving your family even by the way, there should be, but there wasn't. And so I'm on my own so okay what my dad do all he left.

Okay so I don't have that what my pastor do a detergent rub. I have no idea. So again you feel this paralysis and you're scared because you know there's an expectation. I can feel it at the dinner table, the kids are sitting there.

There's an like come on, do your thing of Christmas yet so there's that and I think sometimes fear paralyzes you and so instead of doing the wrong thing you do nothing and that's like the worst thing because your wife like she's so disappointed well and were backed expectation because it may be that you will were not doing nothing right, but you weren't living up to Ann's idealized view of things and this is where I think a wife needs to look at her husband and say okay what is he doing is he modeling godly character and second point is he an honest person are there. Are there things that he is a hard-working way, providing an and can we lean into some of those things and just say I'm so grateful that our kids are growing up seeing somebody who values hard work or whose whose honest this is so important.

A lot of kids don't have that we've said for years that his parents are kids are to pay more attention to what is caught than what is taught and so if if parents only had one option. You can either have devotion times with the kids and the do all the formal training quiet times all the read bedtime stories, but don't model anything spiritually. That's one option or the other option is don't do any of that stuff, but model godliness if you had to pick one picked model godliness because at the end of the day that's what's going to make a bigger impact in a child's life to the point is you don't just have one. It's not an either or it can be about them, but I think a wife can acknowledge and validate these are the things you are doing that are making spiritual deposits in our kids lives and I'm grateful for, I think, to have the conversation with your spouse the same.

What would it look like like let's dream together of what we want spiritually for our family went is that intimidating. If the wife asked that question depends how you know she doesn't like you just did. That's pretty tender and still a little bit scary for man to enter the conversation but I think we had that conversation and what I learned over the years is you didn't need me to be Dennis all you said really was this lead anyway you want is you finally gave up the schedule look like this out and step back and said it's gonna look like the weight gets made Dave in the way God made me was I want to teach through life and so you encourage me to say will grab those moments then because you're good at that. And when you're watching TV or your entomologist turn it and go Ellis go vertical here. Hopefully that's what I'm doing anyway my life.

I remember it, and again I'm like a lot of guys I might just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it that I'm ever doing alliance Chapel O 20 some years ago, and a guy came up after and said my wife wants me to leader spiritually. I don't know what to do and I said I know what to do. Here's a devotional it's a daily devotional read it with their there's a little prayer at the end it'll take you five minutes.

Do that every day. This is a tool so I gave him some other toolbox and he did it and I did know he did it.

He never said another word about it for several weeks and then I run under Rebekah his wife somewhere and she goes oh my goodness.

Thank you Michael what my husband is now leading me spiritually and is because you gave this little devotional book we do it every night. It's unbelievable, it's change our entire marriage of my call. That's good to get it was just and so what we have family life has all kinds of tools with the story of us words all the speaker couples writing little DeVos that you can do daily.

There is a tool to just take it guys. I can make a guarantee, 100% of the wives listening right now I can save my husband said let's do this. Amen.

I doubt if any Americans I know I don't do that other and say amen because he's gonna in a small simple way initiate that's really what it came down to you just said to me just initiate does have to be a big prayer that had to be a long Bible study. All you have to do is just take a Steppenwolf will follow and it changed our family. It was interesting. I was leading a Bible study with Detroit Lions wives, probably around 20 and Dan and Darrell in their 20s and 30s and one white said it's interesting what we've been doing every morning my husband wakes me up and we do a new version Bible app devotional together before he leaves for work and the wind stopped.

There was silence in there like, wait, wait, white thinking and she said I just only takes 10 minutes that we read that together it's Scripture, and we pray quickly. None. There was so much jealousy in the room and other doing is reading it together being intentional taking the time but every wife with a longing for that.I think most guys when they hear that there thinking to themselves, okay, I could try that. But honestly, I will feel like a poser and like a fraud. If I say to my wife let's read this devotional. It's like she's gonna be thinking of you think you are really sure.

I mean, we think you know me you know the flaws you know that I'm not. Dennis Rainey, not the initiator right and so if I do this you're going to go, what you want. Or this. How long will it last right. Although, could it be that I hope the wife would look at this and the husband could be go the other way is like limit if you said hey tomorrow morning getting up to start a workout program. It might be like you never done that before dude. But to be like wow that's inspiring good for you both the same things like I want our marriage to be different. I'm not very good at this. I've never even done it before, but we you go with me. Let's start a workout program together called devotions or whatever you want to do it. Maybe it's a five minute to minute. One minute prayer. Why not aspire to something better and greater than where you are right now. Many start with once a week if you hadn't and then doing anything other like I lose 20 pounds once a week you have to do it every day, three times a week, that having a key to is for us as women and not become resentful because there is a seed of bitterness and resentment that can start to grow it vanquishes your feelings for your husband and let me add this just one less thought just hit me as they can.

Okay, if you think like an athlete or businessperson or whatever and you want to be the first ringer you want to bet me. I was quarterback. I didn't want to be the backup. I would be the starter if on the backup and the starters better than me. What am I gonna do if I want to get that job made when he was the better night on working out when he's good when he's Mrs. Bodie back on this. I am I'm watching film onto whatever it takes to get firstly so I know a lot of guys they will my wife more spiritually mature than me. She's probably a better leader than I should be on Mike when she goes bed getting word get a small group with guys*if you're like you're not there yet.

Like let's rise to the to the place and when that job because it's the good job God gave you why would you say this is more important anything else on looking at men renounce and do be the starter you can do it.

It's going to take some time and practice you can do it and when you take it your wife and follow right behind. What did you say to the wife who said I'm frustrated.

I want to get a divorce because he's passive and will lead our family spiritually. I pointed her to the good things and I also said God is made you a natural leader and this probably hurt her feelings a little bit and I think you're a little bit scary. You're so strong that it probably scares him to the point of not knowing what to do because he can be scared he's doing it wrong and it's it's as if he could pull back just a little bit natural leader. If he doesn't pray, pray, if you're going to bed you're talking about spiritual things and he doesn't kind of jump on the page with you and it's okay. Tell him that he's a good man seated things and say the things that you see that are really great about him and she went on to say he loves Jesus he just doesn't know how to pursue him in the way that I do and I said it's not look like the way you're doing it will look different and that's okay Dave, you mentioned tools that you recommended to guys the couples who speak at our weekend to remember marriage cutaways have collaborated on a devotional that couples can read once a week together to facilitate a spiritual conversation and have a time to pray together once a week so were trying to make this as easy and doable for couples as possible.

Set your date plan that every Sunday night or every Thursday morning, whatever you want to do it your to get out the story of us devotional read that week's devotional spend a little time praying together.

That's a step in the right direction.

You can go to our website family.today.com to find out more about the story of us devotional you can order it from us online or you can call to order and not just recommend guys read your book vertical marriage. In fact that what I'd suggest is that you read a few pages of that book out loud together as a way again to have some spiritual dialogue in your marriage. The book by David and Wilson is called vertical marriage. The one secret that will change your marriage go to family life today.com order your copy of the book or call us at 1-800-358-6329 order copy at one 800 F is in family L as in life and in the word today and I sometimes wish our listeners could just spend a couple of days with us listening to some of the phone calls that come in reading the emails, the letters that we get from people hearing about the impact family life to his having in the lives of people all around the country. There are marriages that are still together because of this program.

There are children who are being pointed in a new direction because mom and dad are listing to family life to and those of you who support this ministry. You're the ones making that possible. You're the ones who are providing the practical biblical help and hope that so many couples are looking for today. Every time you donate your investing in their marriages and in their families. If you can make a donation right now to help support the ongoing work of family life to would love to say thank you by sending you a copy of a book written by Heather to Jesus Yates who joined us this week on family life to it's a book about infertility and adoption and about how God can meet you in the midst of that journey and give you a a bigger vision for your life, your marriage and your family that may be the one you started out with. Maybe you know somebody who's on that path right now and you want to get a copy of the book to give to them as a gift like a donation to family life either online@familyliketo.com or call to donate at one 800 FL today ask for your copy of the book, a mother of thousands by Heather to Jesus Yates and were happy to send it to you as our way of saying thank you for partnering with us in the ongoing ministry of family life to.

We appreciate you and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when working to hear a conversation that happened recently is Ron deal, who gives leadership to family life blended spoke with Sandy padding and her husband on pestle's about what happens when a marriage begins in the midst of a lot of brokenness conversation comes up tomorrow could be here for that. I want to thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow