The Power of Affirmation

Lisa Jacobson has always been a big fan of her husband, Matt, but she says she realized one day that she wasn't telling her husband how much she admired him.

I noticed I would be with my girlfriends and I would brave about Matt is just such a dear husband and no need to dance and I can tell you something else that he did that just touched me deeply. And then I go home and say hey honey, how was your day and I realized you actually say things to him directly.

The way I exhumed to my girlfriends and I want to get better at this. I want to grow in first perfectly honest, it was awkward for me. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on bubble pain.

You can find us on family life today.com. When was the last time your spouse heard you say something and they recognized home. I think my spouse actually likes me to talk more about affirming one another in marriage today.

Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us will make it clear at the beginning here because were talking this week about how to affirming one another. The most amazing is our best as I want to agree more with we should be clear and you just illustrated this. There's a difference between genuine affirmation of flattery. I believe God doesn't just joining us this week. Matt and Lisa Jacobson guys, welcome back. Thank you, Matt and Lisa are authors beakers they are bloggers they are pod casters. They've written books to help husbands and wives. The last time they were here. We talked about loving your husband in loving your wife this time were talking about affirming each other in marriage, and there is a difference. Matt between flattery and genuine affirmation is absolutely and that's something that your wife can pick up on in a heartbeat are either absolutely is and really flattery is just throwing out a compliment for your own game right for what you're actually after the other person and affirmation is speaking a word of truth about a wonderful characteristic or quality or ability of that other person for the purpose of building them up and lifting their spirit, so I wanted to ask the ladies here because there were times early in our marriage. When I would say affirming things to Marianne and her immediate response was, and what you talked about Dave yesterday. She would go right to know that's not true. She would doubt I would say you know you're doing a great job with the kids know I'm not. You look great and she just rolled her eyes and after a while it's like will. This is in working it did this happen in your marriage. Well yes it can happen and I think the difference is I know if you're not aware of this. It might not see many different but the difference is to say something like what you say you look pretty tonight.

No I don't because I do know I'm having a bad hair day or this dress looks terrible on me so it feels like a lie right now that you meant it, but if Matt says you are so beautiful. All that is powerful. Not something I can't say no I'm not dumb and I can but that's hard to argue with.

Because that's the difference between I think that complement our flattery versus truly speaking a word of life of love into the person I think that there's another thing apply here as well and I think that we can look at this as a game of percentages okay so when you're speaking those words to your wife and she goes no you're not.

It's because on her side of the ledger. There've been 50 things that speak against that one truth that you're speaking to her and so I think as men husbands we need to stay in the game. We need to stay out of it. In the example that you relative to the children you doing a good job of the trip.

Now I'm not well she's just speaking house most moms feel life is coming out them with the speed of a fighter jet and the chaos of variety, and she feels like I'm in the middle of it and I'm not doing a great job. But what's in your mind is maybe the way that she laid out a plan for Saturday and brought it to fruition, and the kids had such a good time. Or maybe it's the faithfulness that she has expressed or shown in how she's looked after the kids how she really cares for their heart. There's something about her parenting her mothering that was in your mind at the time when you were speaking to her about what a great job she's doing and she's thinking of that like the whole universe of being a mother and how she feels like she's not doing great at that. You're pointing out something and so we need to stay in the game and we did to show her know this is the way I'm talking about how you're doing such a great job and we need to overcome that other voice that other other 50 voices that have spoken negative messages and we need overcome that we need to counteract that we need to stay in the game and not give up on the first, and I think it's important that if a husband or wife is thinking something affirming like you look beautiful. You need to make sure that if your spouse comes back to you with no I don't. You can be specific fixes.

Super helpful to you. Like I was thinking about Longo. I told Manny said you're such a good dad to the boys and he was just in a point where he was handling so much on so many different fronts that he he just was noticing the things that he wasn't doing that he wanted to within for the boys and I did tell him I said You've never missed one.

The basketball games you're always there for them who the boys come to in the middle the night when they need someone to talk to. It's you that means your good dad. He's like any just I knew I could see that he needed to hear that because he was just focusing on the things that he wasn't getting to that and he knew that their growing up fastest worried when we talk about 100 words of affirmation, your wife or your husband needs to hear were talking about speaking the truth of their best moments back to them so they can see no you are wonderful at these things and just outlining those things they need to hear it. We need to hear. We all need to hear that affirmation. I think it's important to not get discouraged continuing to affirm your husband or wife even if they don't agree with you. I know that when Dave has said nice things to me. I will disagree well now I'm not even get mad at me. I cannot even get to tell you if you get it did not him of the ancient pastor talk that's sample for dengue signal that I what I would say something nice again. This is really is. Decades ago, which she would most of the time say it's not true, then a week later, like you never say anything nice to me, I try but I had to realize oh my goodness this needs to be spoken over and over it's I'm I'm combating years of yes saloon that I get to be Jesus to her. I get to reminder this is what Jesus sees and I get to say it. No, I'm not really saying is I don't feel that way and that's all you need to know is okay. She's not feeling this way but I can help her get her feelings in line with what is true.

You are beautiful to me or you are a good mom. The wounds from childhood and the voices from our past are so powerful, but as a spouse. You have a greater power just have to keep using it. You just have to stay in that moment and not give up when it's coming back negatively at you because it really is about something other than what you talk about it now, but it's about that voice and about that wound and you've got tremendous power and so what I like to think about in a moment where Lisa might want to pull back from complement like that from an affirmation. That's the time for us to lean in to come close, even to touch just to come here and say no no this is true, here's what's true about you and then outline stay in it because you understand no I've got what you need for this moment right now and just be purposeful and not give up you wives ever feel like when your husband is saying something, affirming, are you ever thinking okay what you want what what what the after, and I wonder what are you trying to get do you ever feel that way because you're looking hot tonight. We know what they lack. We know where this is going yeah but if use if he says you're a great mom you're not thinking okay he's buttering me up for something. He's just trying to get something from me. I doubt with Dave because he doesn't use his words flippantly. I would say the same and you're not going to you not going to trick your wife. I mean if that's the approach that you're taking it's really about who you are as a person and your wife knows who you are. So when we talk about affirmations were talking about doing something not for your own purposes about four what's best in your home and we like to talk about the culture that you're establishing in the relationship. Those words of kindness.

Those words of affirmation, you're literally building a beautiful culture of positive communication and a positive spirit in your home and you've got the power to do it we have to act on the power that we have.

We got to follow through and really take responsibility for our part in the tenor of our home and the tenor of our marriage through what we say and how we said in the trickle-down effect is amazing just the way it seeps into your home and if you have children, they start speaking and they get used to it so you'll hear kids are perfect because they don't they bicker, they have arguments is not like that but but you can hear him say to each other you get a good job. I like the way you know picked up the living room. He thinking did I just hear what I thought I heard a new language.

It is, it's totally like a language, and because if this is the home that their growing up into them.

This is can become more natural. It is a way of communicating. It is a way of having a relationship and just like if you've grown up a home where that wasn't the case. He that was silent tension.

Or maybe just outright critical bickering spirit will what a great way to her first that I had a pastor friend of mine who said the got together for a pastoral retreat. One time with the other guys on staff and he said we started off and and here was the assignment we were to go around the room and everybody was going to fill in the blank here. Here is how I have seen evidence of God's grace in your life. He phrased it that way so that nobody became puffed up. Nobody got proud of what was going on, but this was a chance to affirm one another and say what were affirming here is really God's at work in you when I see got it working in you and we were. They were calling that out one another. Well, think about the tone of what followed that beginning as they got together for a meeting he had just laid a foundation where now they could tackle some hard things, but they tackled the hard things after they had demonstrated yeah I see got it working you. I see got it working you. I believe in you. Now we can get to the tough stuff absolutely to speak words of affirmation to your husband or wife is really to speak to them in a godly way all right to build them up in a godly way and we need to remember in our way of communicating as a man and wife as husband and wife. We need to remember that God is not okay with a little sin sometimes we say just a little bickering spirit there just a little sniffing back and forth just little side comment. It's not just negative. It's on biblical God wants us to have homes that are filled with godly communication with a godly spirit with a kind, loving way of communicating.

That's what it means to have a biblical home and so even in our own marriage and in many, many other marriages, loosing how it's really easy to get comfortable with kind of a negative undertone of communication and that become part of the fabric of how our lives are put together in our home. And of course in so doing, if you've got kids in the house you're discipling them in that way of being as well. None of that is okay. And the interesting thing about the Bible is the percentage of sin that God is comfortable with its records zero no sin is okay so the way we communicate. It's either godly or its ungodly it's either positive or its negative is either building up towards tearing down so ask yourself what is the culture of communication that I want to be responsible for in my home that I want to contribute to in my home. What do I want it to look like after I've been there.

After I've spoken after a community like the aroma. The aroma was smelling it is no like out in our home another Bible verse.

It's very critical's Ephesians 415 speak the truth in love so I want to be affirming, I want to speak life there something going on marriage or some going on with my spouse. I need to speak a hard truth how to do it well. I think the first thing that we need to do before we get ready to speak truth is we need to think about the parable that Jesus told about the spec and the being in RI okay because what severe justices we are to our own crimes and other people all right. And that's not an original quote with me but thought I heard it said somewhere but it's so true were so ready to point out something that somebody else isn't doing were so ready to point out a shortcoming or failure, and were warned by the Lord, you know what, it's the hypocrite that goes in to clean up but everybody else's mess when they themselves have serious problems so the first thing in that case is to engage in some real introspection and when we do that it changes us from somebody who is going in to clean something up to somebody who has a humble spirit and is going in with love as a motivation and that business of speaking the truth in love. Yes, sometimes the love part just get so left out in the cold.

So if were truly loving the first thing to do is assess and analyze ourselves. And secondly, the way we do that if that's what you're talking about because sometimes you don't hundred percent of all medications and just affirming words you write so you got the situation we always instruct.

Don't try to take care of something in the moment of emotional intensity, you've gotta wait until your past, but maybe today maybe so we get past that moment and then tell you so say there's something I want to talk about and go in identifying yourself as part of this to begin with so it's is not all. On the other person. All of communication takes two people right there are two people involved in the so if it's something that needs to be said something that needs to change. Then start with how God has worked on. You start with the way God is had to change you. Be honest about a failure shortcoming that you have had and then go into can I talk to about something it's really important to such as have a supplicating kind of spirit rather than speak truth to spirit so my hearing you say that if the. The sun goes down on your anger, three, four, five times, that's okay. Well, I think that that verse is misunderstood. I really do because what has happened with the I think wrong interpretation of that verse is people go okay so hash it out tonight. We have to hash it out tonight until three in the morning when we want to watch each other's eyes out.

Then we fall asleep so I guess the sun went down a narrow okay first of all, the word wrath isn't just I'm upset about something.

The word wrath is. I am furious about something, so there's that. Secondly, mature Christian couple can say you know what, I'm not happy about this, but we can talk about it in the mornings you're setting aside the anger doesn't mean you won't have real emotions when you bring it up the next day when talking about it, but you literally can set aside our anger isn't just some uncontrollable monster that we'd better deal with right then. Yet, we can literally choose to be angry. We can choose to set it aside, and you can get a great night sleep even when you're out of fellowship with your spouse on a given point and you can deal with it at a time when maybe you're not quite as emotionally intense about it. Is this something that both of you are just naturally good at.

I mean, are you just affirming positive fear on the other person people is a part of your personality. I would say format if I can speak for him. He is good about speaking words of affirmation, but you can also have a summit of the critical spirit are critical. I disagree with you things so I think part of what we grew in is communicating things in a way that didn't sound critical to me. To my ears even if he didn't mean it that way and for myself speaking as we did not come naturally. It was not maybe how I grew up. It's just not I am a positive person but just not with my husband which is terrible. So this is part of what my conviction was I was I noticed I would be with my girlfriends and I would rave about Matt that is just such a dear husband and he only did this and I can tell you something else that he did that just touched me deeply and I go home and say hey honey, how was your day and I really didn't actually say things to him directly. The way I exude to my girlfriends and I I want to get better at this. I want to quell when it first perfectly honest, it was awkward for me. Ashley felt weird to me to say you are one amazing something I think you only scratch the surface and probably should talk, you know. You should also talk about the this business of you had no trouble affirming your girlfriends.

You have no trouble speaking words of affirmation to them to know I'm a very positive person that I'll encourage you till the cows come home. So what was the hesitancy with your husband, and I think this is true of many wives. I think it had something to do with intimacy that closeness it was like a barrier that was at between me and him and's invisible barrier that I don't know where it came from my semen had something to do with my childhood and upbringing but is a little protective barrier so it's easier for me to talk to people out there and to this man that I was sleeping next to it make you feel vulnerable.

It did yeah did I do that and I don't know why would anything to make him feel vulnerable, but it was actually me putting my heart out there and think this is what I think about you. This is what I admire about you and then seeing what he did with it. I would just that I can remember hearing and praise of their husbands and dads and a really get me mad sure she would give praise to them. Maybe even to their face. Man, you're just incredible.

And then I'd walk in the house and I just thought I heard who you know you have very good and I'm like oh yeah you want me to be like that guy well I thought it would motivate a significant role with. He hears me say this can be motivated that well better work.

It didn't spell anybody mean I was like oh yeah, well then you can be married to him because I'm Superman and you don't know it I'm you just to but when she started speaking, affirmation it change me. It was like the most motivating thing ever and I would just say to anyone listening. This is exactly the way God is going to transform your spouse speak life speak affirmation and trust God, not even if it does feel awkward on your tongue. You can practice in your next get better at it. I think it now comes much more naturally to me. But like any kind of skill you to start somewhere and start saying it solely so the wife would pick up your book 100 words of affirmation, your husband needs to hear and would open up and go your steadiness makes me feel secure. Can't say that I need you to shrug and say that dreaming with you is fun know I've learned so much from you. You're a blessing to our family. Somebody who would read through this and I don't know that I can say any of these to my husband well there are marriages of the absolutely but this isn't the definitive list for every marriage. What this is, as a representative list to get you thinking about speaking positively about your spouse and the fact of the matter is, even if you have a challenged marriage.

There is something about that of if and were talking to Christians okay were talk to people who claim to be following Christ. To say that they believe the Bible there is something about that person that you can find and speak positively about, there's something alright and maybe all of those things are coming back to you but maybe they're coming to the kids. Maybe he's a good provider.

Maybe she's somebody who is very giving of her time to other people. In terms of ministering or what ever it is, even if you don't have a perfect marriage.

If you don't have an excellent married, even if you would say of a very negative experience.

There are things that you can speak that are positive into that other person so you're right to point out there are things in the book that maybe don't apply to every marriage in the and that's certainly the case, but the point of it is to get you thinking about a way of communicating because this is talking about establishing that culture in your marriage and your home and your relationship and so you get to be responsible for that you get to be responsible for how your speaking, not for what the other person has done, but for how your speaking on what you're contributing to the spirit and culture of your home, and if the thought in your head is okay I'll say one of these things. You're a good provider and then you think, but as soon as that's over, I'm also to say but I wish you would. Well, that's the wrong way to approach it right it is because again speaking words of affirmation isn't about scoring points and it isn't about getting what you're after. Okay and there may be all kinds of flat sides that your spouse has is probably all kinds of outsides that you have to actually because when people get into a challenged relationship.

One thing is certain.

You're both involved, you know you are the common denominator in that relationship and so it's really good for us to say it out. I got some responsibility here to. Having said that, this is about choosing to focus on the positive side, and again I just love what you're saying Dave about how powerful that is in marriage, even if it hasn't been great. It's such a powerful way to begin to communicating with each other and I think the surprising element of this is, it doesn't only impact the person you're speaking words to it actually impacts yourself. It changes the way you think, not just a way the other person thinks or acts, and that's probably never see coming, and then over time he think wow I'm saying this and I'm realizing that I been so focused on these other things that he's not doing. Let's just say it's a life and I'm grateful for the kind of daddy is, or the kind of indicator is or whatever it is, my best friend Michelle has a great marriage that she struggled with using her words to communicate the great things she saw on her husband and so she realized that he was traveling a lot and she was saying negative things, even to her young daughters. She really wanted to change that.

And so when she started doing it. She started to Journal of writing down all the things he did right and instead of saying you did make it home in time for that soccer game like she did say less. I appreciate the effort you always put into being at the soccer games. I appreciate that you put the lights on the Christmas tree this year. I appreciate and so the first year on his birthday that she gave him this journal, and she dated, he sat in the chair and whacked out well because of the power of her written words to her husband and every year she's done it since and now her daughters do it in their home has become. This place of aroma in life because they become really good at sharing life with one another and it all started with her journey like I'm not very good at this, but I can write it to begin with just that you know you think about that or any home or any marriage or any business or any neighborhood to people not want to go where there affirmed right. Nobody is ever said, I'm guessing. I hate going to their house is wise at everything related somehow great I am, they don't ever remember that on that.

Yes, Amanda draws your husband home draws away the main draw your kids home address people your church you unchurched people go to places where people so you're amazing.

Not the opposite. And there like on the back to place why that's the power of life and words absolutely and you know it doesn't matter where you are marriages, just choose to be the person that's in the start right because that's what your friend and then right. She just started and look what happened and so you can be that person.

You can initiate you can start you can be the one to start this positive communication. Your home you guys been great guests. I just want to say yeah I just want to affirm you guys for the great and let me encourage listers reset.

I don't know even where to start. Here is an action point get a copy of Matt and Lisa's books hundred words of affirmation, your husband needs to your hundred words of affirmation, your wife needs to hear, read through it. Pick five that you can start with and just start saying these things to each other. We got copies of the books in our family like today resource Center you can order the book from us online@familylifetoday.com or you can call one 800 FL to date order by phone again.

The title of the book, 100 words of affirmation, your husband needs to hear hundred words of affirmation, your wife needs to hear will send you both books when you order them again order online@familylifetoday.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today to get you copies of Matt and Lisa's books. Now, a quick word of thanks to those of you who are partnering together with us to pour into the lives of hundreds of thousands of husbands and wives and moms and dads every day of the year. Those of you who support the ministry of family life today you make this radio program possible. Not only on radio but as a podcast for those who are listing. That way you help support our website. Our resources are events all that were doing your family life.

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Thank you and I hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able in some form or fashion to worship together with your local church this weekend and I hope you can be here on Monday when working to meet a woman who always dreamed of being a mom. Until that dream was taken away from her temporarily only tethered to his associates talk about how she has become a mother of thousands. You can tune in for that. I don't think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine you back next time for another edition of family life today family like to use a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow