A Father’s Integrity

As parents when we say one thing and live a different way that hypocrisy can leave an impression on our children that marks them for life. Here's Brian Lorentz you just live this duplicitous lifestyle you are modeling for your kids with acceptable behavior and that gets handed down generationally and so that stuff is learned in the home and it sets them up for failure sets them up okay and how treating women you can say I promise would take about. But if integrity wasn't modeled in your home that it's no big deal if I make a vow and I am right because that's what dad this is family life today. Our hosts are Damon and Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine you can find us online and family life today.com. The decisions we make as dads they don't just impact us or our marriage. Our kids are paying attention to those decisions and seeing if what we say is true is how we live. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us were talking this week about the gifts that we are supposed to be giving our kids as their father, talking about Christmas gifts or birthday gifts or material gifts.

I'm talking about a different gather.

He is such a tightwad I did not say I don't want to give gifts that you know were talking about different things. The gifts that kind of dad and Edna gifts that cost differently that they don't. They met a cost money but that it would cost time and intentionality were talking about dads and our friend Brian Moritz is joining us again because he's written a new book called the dad difference. The four most important gifts you can give to your kids.

Brian welcome back. Always good to be with you all. Brian has spoken with us on the family life love like you mean a marriage cruise. He and his wife are part of the art of parenting video series and the art of marriage, video series, Brian is an author is a speaker. He is the executive pastor at the summit church in Raleigh, North Carolina. This new book as we been saying this week is not Brian's testimony about everything he's done right as a father. It's really a lot of what you learn from your own dad and you been trying to apply short about it, but I'll just say this because I've observed you as a dad and you have been applying.

You have been purposeful and intentional as you're raising your boys and you haven't done it perfectly. None of us has. But you have been aware of the fact that there's a mantle that you carry and this is not something you can be passive about.

That's right.

Now you know we've been talking a lot about the word intentional and I think the default for man is to slide back in the past 70. I think that was an unfortunate gift that Adam gave us right because he sits there and watches a snake talk to his wife, so I've had doubts with passivity and you know I battle it all the time and there's plenty of times I'd rather be watching the game by myself and actually proactively doing something with one of my kids so I'm I'm right in the bunker out with you all.

But you know, I've never felt bad about being intentional with my children.

I have felt bad about being passive and watching TV when I should have seized the most of that opportunity right in your books built around for gifts. That's the subtitle we talked about these but just refresh us that, what are the four gifts yeah so it's what we call fathering right RI TE so it's relationship integrity teaching and experiences, and we've already dug into the whole idea of relationships. I think I misunderstood what integrity is supposed to look like when I was raising my kids and here's what I mean by that. I thought integrity meant that I should be as close to perfect in their eyes as I could be I should keep hidden my flaws and only show the righteous side of me and that's not integrity is no it's not the analogy that I use is you and I grew up in Atlanta and like the Wilson's. I know what it's like to have a struggling football team in the 80s. No less coming.

We were really really really bad in the 80s and so I had to look elsewhere for heroes in my hero growing up was Walter Payton and I love Walter Payton so much that I did the unthinkable. I ate Wheaties now if you ever had Wheaties like that's the worst cereal ever, but Walter Payton was on the cover of a Wheaties box so my heroes eating Wheaties.

That's just across Albert. Well my dad is is a pastor is a preacher and oftentimes sports teams come to town and asked my dad to chapel in the Bears did it. They asked my dad hey can you come speak to chapel and my dad brought me along. And boy I was on cloud nine and so my dad speaking to chapel and when he's done. They said that you stick around with the team just popped in to get a picture we should let our listeners know it when we thought this would be fun.

We didn't tell Brian this was good to happen when let's reach out and see if the man we been talking about this week could join us for a little bit so Crawford Lorentz is joined us in the studio welcome Crawford a David and didn't see you guys and great to see you Brian and see my brother and I data yes money can you want to know what you think of the book the dad difference.

Since there are so many stories about you in here are yellow. So here's the deal. You know, Brian and his mother, and my dear wife.

They all knew about writing about the book and the next thing I know he called his dad wants to want to write an introduction to the book and it's about you. I said that's a little self-serving and so all the stories in this book, you didn't. Did you get by off on you can read many stories he told about me in sermon for renumeration on read the manuscript. Unlike in panic mode. What's raising on tell it, it's gotta be humbling to read a son talking about the power relationship and integrity in teaching and experiences and Crawford to go. Your son is saying. My dad did these things in my life. Yeah it and it's humbling and I'm I'm grateful obviously you know I don't walk water and there is the downside of who I am and so I'm just I'm just grateful that God in his sovereignty, help clean up my mistakes and it is quite humbling and is quite humble.

We were talking about integrity when you drop in the end I was saying that I thought integrity meant that I was only supposed to reveal to my kids the positive side of who I am. I was on I was supposed to keep anything hidden that was unrighteousness and only show righteousness. I realized later on. I just I've set a standard for my kids that they can't achieve if they never see dad make mistakes and own up to those mistakes are part of integrity is messing up and owning a business that's that's the point. Integrity is not perfection.

Integrity is not moral perfection. And I think that's where our legalistic stepped in and their desire to project his moral perfection. They they get seduced and being a Pharisee and the just the opposite happens.

Integrity has to do with closing the gap between your shortcomings and repentance becoming your friend. Repentance is your friend and you turn from it and its transparency. So even when you failed is a sense of wholeness about you because you move toward confessing your sand repenting of it, making it right. I don't think authentic integrity can take place apart from humility and repentance. They fuel integrity Brian when your dad drop in you were talking about sweetness about your hero Walter Payton.

So what what what was the point you are making about integrity and what he modeled yeah so dad takes me to the chapel. He speaks and then we get invited to breakfast about nine or 10 years old at the time. And like I said I've been eating Wheaties because Walter Payton, my hero been eating Wheaties but when I ship to the breakfast table. He's not eating, we he's eating raisin and I just remember I got asked this guy about that and as I said Mr. Payton as respectfully as I could. I eat Wheaties because I thought you eat Wheaties maturity raisin bread out of it what he said he can't have a scowl on his face and he said okay and I think that stuff that's that's horrible and I never really ate Wheaties again. Years later, it dawned on me that all Wheaties was for him was a paycheck. It was an opportunity to extend his brand and there is a sense in which I was disappointed that my hero wasn't even buying what he was selling and I think that's what were getting at when we talk about integrity is buying what you're selling. And even when you fail, the Bible is clear that I need to apologize, own up to it, confess it and so even in our imperfections, we can still be people of integrity and so I talked plenty about dad apologizing to us as I got a question for either one of you guys and this is never happened to me because I've always been perfect to me many times and I know it's happened to you. So if I lack integrity. If there is a gap between what I say and what I do my walk in my talk Ian I have to come to my sons and my daughters in apologize with an apology look like, how do I go there in in a family room or a discussion with my kids about my integrity.

I think your question is great because I think a lot of people in our culture just need a good old fashion tutorial on how to apologize like an apology is not. I'm sorry it came across this where you heard it that way, you took it that way.

Apology should take ownership. I'm sorry for what I did and they should be specific. They should specifically name the offense and then at the end I think an apology should make the big ask will you forgive me. I think that's a healthy apology. Crawford you remember a time where you had to go and apologize and see fat several kids. Self dislike.

I did a daily accident also about his brother's younger brother. I had to sell short and he had been doing something that I told him repeatedly not to do and he started Doing it well.

I thought he had done it again. And by this time ticked off okay and so I shut them off.

I did not bit and he was going to give me a reason as I know you did not close your mouse on and I just came down hard on well come to find out his older sister told me that Brandon did not do that so I had some humble pie and I had to you know I'm rationalizing thing. While he did before and okay I mean he deserved it numb. Dogmas of avid but then the Lord just grabbed told me I just got off school so I made a U-turn, went back to school, got a metaclass and I had a look him straight in the eyes that he son I'm sorry I was wrong. You did not do this. Would you please and that… I had to.

Then I better do that.

A number times those elements that you just modeled again which what we taught our kids. I'm sorry I was wrong in the name what was you did that.

I'm sorry for this yet. I was wrong in doing that specific thing. Will you please forgive me and then we made him hug at the end we we made him hug impressed. We said okay and hug each other. They were always like kind of halfway hugging one night you and I coach I school football when my three sons were going through high school and I want to be on the field with them and that was a way to be part of their life and somewhere in a playoff game and I'm not only you know the quarterback coach. I'm also like the chaplain because we did chapel on Friday first or Thursday nights into public schools is really great ministry right so you can listen cool can lose my cool and I'm always telling the kids you know you gotta keep your coat will guess what happens. It's an important game playoffs.

We score in this team. By the way bunch of jerks. Let me walk through our pregame thing there. Yeah, it was just it was nasty from the from the get go right and so are guy scores and I watched this kid as he's handing the ball to the refs spirit literally dives in his legs.

This is five seconds after the test and scored hands the ball ref dives his legs in the rough in our silence rate, bit by me and I go did you did you see any turns and looks at me. He doesn't say a word.

I go to LSU got a call that goes. I'll call it a throws a flag on me and the coach gets a flag. Well let me tell you the whole sidelines like just got a flag because he cursed the pastor that I never said did you see that right and so I'm in in my head coach grasping those get over here if you get another flag you can't coach next week at Bubba and I'm like you can give me that to a flight you can't believe lies as I go home that night my sons like dad what happened by saying you curse. They can't believe you curse a guiding curse he goes will did you do anything wrong. I don't know that was a terrible call and then in his eye with the bed is like to do some rock that was wrong. I absolutely did what he told my kids never to do so the next mornings were watching film. It's one of those moments that this is the only good story have my entire life negative, but I had to stand up in front of 70 kids and say I was wrong.

Here's what I said, here's what I did. Here's why it was wrong that the ref did the right thing.

I did the wrong thing. I modeled for you what you should never do and I am sorry I'm telling you their kids. 10 years later, said coach.

I don't remember a single thing you taught me about football. That's the only thing I remember while is that you owned up to your mistaken. It's just so important right for our kids to see that Brian if a dad lacks integrity. What is that due to the kids that's devastating. It's one thing in all sin is a breach in integrity. To some extent, but that could stitched up real quick with an apology which is the whole point that were making but when you just live this duplicitous lifestyle you are modeling for your kids. What's acceptable behavior and that gets handed down generationally and so that stuff is learned in the home and it it sets them up for failure. It sets them up with what's okay and how in treating women you know you can say I promise or take a bow. But if integrity wasn't modeled in your home, then it's no big deal.

It's no big deal if I make a vow and I cannot write because that's what dad did and so dad kinda granted me permission to live this immoral lifestyle. You tell a story about thinking, headed up by saying my dad really did believe this Jesus stuff.

The story of him driving a man can love that you're both here because you can share this story.

What happened I think is my freshman or sophomore year in college so I wasn't there and I get this phone call that dad's driving on Highway 29 or some like that dad and this guy just runs into my dad totally other guys fault airbags deployed. Dad's a little thrown off by it.

He gets out and the guy who hit him just happened to be white guy in the sky comes walking towards my dad using a racial slur towards him. So I'm I'm like steaming as my dad's telling me this, and later on dad just said he son pray for me to see each other court and I really want to share the gospel with them.

And that's what I'm like wow like you really believe this Jesus stuff time in between that that wasn't your first thought.

I finally got there, but I think who you really are is really shown in adversity and so in these adverse circumstances to see my dad's character was very inspiring for me and there is good news and and Crawford. I want you to speak to this because some dads who would look and so you know I'm not modeled integrity have not been a man of integrity. I didn't duplicitous my kids have not seen that in me. The good news of the gospel is, we can come and confess and we can repent and not only will God forgive, but we can set a new course on a new pattern that our kids can look at and say God is real because my dad's life changed when he turned around yeah yeah sometimes it is at the stop wasting our lives but beaten up on ourselves. You know if there's Brett there's opportunity for change in repentance and that in fact is the hope of the gospel. None of us have done it right and none of us come from perfect backgrounds.

We screw up all the time and so the issues I think you have to spend enough time in remorse, you know, being sorry about what you've done and taken inside look and and identify what you what you haven't and what you haven't done then you need to focus on the cross and focus on what can God do in my life and in this situation, and then how do I change and then being willing to do whatever it takes to change and by that I don't just mean praying a prayer.

Sometimes what it means it changes the humble yourself and find a mentor or find somebody else that they can speak into your life that can hold you accountable being humble enough to go back to your kids and to apologize to your wife or whatever and begin making things right and that so you know that's the hope of the gospel. That's what it's all about Crawford. In one sense this book is a tribute that your son is written to you and I know you have on many occasions taken the opportunity to write letters. He talks about in the book to affirm him to bless him as a father to a son. I also know that he's gone through some challenging moments in the last year so I'm just ask you as we wrap this up. Would you want to say to him today about what you see God doing in his heart and in his life that you're proud of cybercrime here so there's so much I'm proud of Brian and I'm I'm proud of the fact that he just keeps coming back to Jesus during the hard times he keeps coming back to God's word that in his heart he chooses the right hard thing to do and any presses into that and God validates that in this heart life and and that's all you can ask for. And so I'm just I'm just proud of the man that he is on proud of his integrity and proud of his pressing into the Lord and I know that sounds almost cliché is split. That's what I'm proud about. And you know we all have to remember. I mean we crossed the finish line line yet until we keep pressing into dependence upon the Lord and that's what we were stumbling toward holiness, then God is with us and so I am proud of that. You know, I am humbled beyond measure that Brian would write this book in my other kids. They say kind things that I am overwhelmed by this, I write in the introduction of the book that many times about I think you for me talk about this.

Through the years when they were small and I was traveling a great deal of time on staff stated I been some small college town and I can dictate a number of nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night and just petrified and that this horror stories of friends and colleagues who kids walked away from the faith, because there dads were gone. Then they'd unite and I would just cry out to God please God don't let my kids be better because I have to be away and to see how they have responded in spite of me, but to that prayer just does my heart good and so I'm I'm proud of Brian. I could not be more proud of him and that his faithfulness to the Lord and pressing in the hard difficult stuff and seeing God carry him in and how that is using him in a great way and I would just add thank you to both of you men. You have been mentors to me and Brian's younger than me, but he's mentor may Crawford little older than me that you had then a tremendous mentor that for all of them is a man but as a husband and a dad both humanity in your ear a mentor to thousands in your change in legacies and we appreciate and thank you, thank you for the privilege of being here, so I had a surprising well.Isurpriseyouwiththebook.Thankyouguysfortheconversationtodayandwearemakingyourbook.Brianavailablethisweektofamilylifetodaylistenersit'sourwayofsayingthanksJennyListerwhocanhelpsupporttheministryoffamilylifetodayinourourmission,ourgoalandyouguysarepartofthistoeffectivelydevelopgodlymarriagesandfamilieswhochangetheworldonehomeatatime.Anybodywhoinvestinthisministryyou'rehelpingusreachtensofthousandsreallyhundredsofthousandsofpeopleeverydaytoprovidepracticalbiblicalhelpandhopeformarriagesandfamilies.Sowhenyoumakeadonationtoday.That'swhatyou'reinvestinginandwouldliketosaythankyoubysendingyouBrian'sbookthedaddifference,requestthebookwhenyoudonateonline@familylifetoday.com or call to donate one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today and I hope both moms and dads will check out the art of parenting. Brian and Corey Lorentz are a part of the. The faculty for the art of parenting video series that we put together Dave and Wilson Dennis and Barbara Rainey, how we got contributions from Phil Visscher and Tim and Darcy Kimball, Susan Gates, Elyse Fitzpatrick, a whole bunch of people Steven and Alex Kendrick are a part of the art of parenting.

It's great to do as a couple or to do in a small group setting.

Find out more when you go to family life today.com. Find out how you can do this online do it virtually with others or if you're starting to gather in appropriately socially distant, small groups, this would be a great curriculum for you to go through with other parents or if you're an empty nest couple take some younger parents through the art of parenting again. Find out more@familylifetoday.com that tomorrow we want to talk about how we can do a better job in marriage of encouraging one another, building one another up. Those are biblical terms. How do we affirm each other in marriage. Matt and Lisa Jacobson will join us to talk about how we do that practically hope you can be with us as well. Thank our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life today is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow