Fathering RITE

When Brian Moritz was a teenager he used to go on ministry trips with his father, Crawford, and he says he remembers a practice.

His dad had that left us significant impression on him. When we would get into hotel room. The first thing that would do is he take out a big 8 x 10 photo of the family and would put it in a prominent place in the hotel room and I never knew exactly why he did that until years later, I'm sitting on one of my mom's workshops and she brings that up and she says pretty much my dad would do that as a visual reminder yet a family counting on you and don't do anything stupid to let them down. This is family life to our hosts are David and Wilson and Bob looking you can find us online@familyliketoday.com as dads we are always modeling something for our kids is integrity, faithfulness, or is it something else. Talk more about that today with Brian Moritz stay with us and welcome to family like to thanks for joining us was talking to a friend of mine recently. We were talking about men his age so he's in his his 30s and he said I'm watching men my age.

Some of them leaders guys who are good in business. There aggressive guys. But he said I'm watching them demonstrate anger and impatience their abusive to employees that are not sensitive to what's going on with some of their fellow employees, and as we have the conversation I said you know anything about those guys about the relationship with her dad that I know you go nowhere if I heard this story yeah and and over and over and over again right so almost anytime you see an angry man or you see a man who is impatient who is abusive. You can trace that back in there there's can be some deficit in the father-son relationship yeah and smile to me is not funny at all, but I was playing pickup basketball years ago mean I'm getting 2025 years ago at this local college and playing with younger guys and me and you and I can still play in the game because there's a three point line you think that thing out and I'm done. I'm guarding this young guy who's really good player much better than me and the whole time. He is just talking and I'm this and he's run by me and he just won't stop talking Ebony Jim is just like this case is being sort of a jerk right right and it got so bad at one point I'm he's got the top of the key he's dribbling. He said you and I literally find I do anything but just out of my mouth, I yell the new boy in the core of this boy so he doesn't think he's good enough and he has to prove it. Thereby in the gym and I don't know what is going on with you just go by me and don't but it's what you said about I don't even know but I'm guessing somewhere in there was a lack of affirmation from it that I could be wrong but it's it's become a story we have got a friend joining us this week talking about dads and their impact and influence. Brian Moritz is our guest on family life to Brian.

Welcome back so great to be with you guys. Brian is an author or speaker, a pastor, he's the executive pastor at the summit church in Raleigh, North Carolina where JD Greer is the pastor he's written a book that is almost time I think of this kind of as a tribute.

Your dad wrote a tribute to his dad. He wrote a book about his dad that was honoring and you've done kind of the same thing you're saying to all of the rest of us be a great dad and my dad wasn't perfect but he mapped out some pretty good territory for us absolutely.

I think the book you wrote your referencing with my father that he wrote was never walk away and I'm just in some senses not only blessed but a sociological phenomenon. I'm one of the few African-Americans who can trace their roots back to pre-Emancipation Proclamation days all began for us with my great great grandfather Peter, who was a slave and the people who owned and led him to faith in Jesus Christ.

Peter was married and all of his kids came to know the Lord want his kids as my great-grandfather Milton.

Milton love the Lord had 14 kids all 14 of his kids came to know the Lord. One of his youngest sons Crawford were at senior my grandfather love the Lord and my dad is his youngest child, and so that's kind of the legacy that I come from, and I know some of you are listening. You don't have that legacy and I I would say start one. You know, start one, by the grace of God, so that 150 years from now.

Your great great grand whatever is saying let me just tell you my story.

So we just feel incredibly blessed and because of that in my direct line. There's no such thing as a man in my direct line on my dad side who didn't love Jesus, or who divorced his wife and because of that I just feel like I've just been fast tracked on this upward trajectory through life.

It doesn't mean my life's been easy even though it had pockets of turbulence. I felt this tailwind that's been pushing me and you and I talked one time about other guys in high school and junior high in your neighborhood in Atlanta.

The Moritz home, your dad kind of became the surrogate for them.

It was a magnet. They instinctively knew they needed father figure like this in their life. Absolutely my best friend in life is the oldest of 16 kids. They grew up in the projects and my dad took him in. He lived with us for a while. My dad became a father to him. My dad helped him get through Bible college and now he's a pastor today and he would say I'm here because the influences Crawford Moritz and my dad just kind had this extra plate on the table mentality. You know that God's blessed us so are our dinner table grown-up was always filled with people who didn't share DNA with us and they would sit there. Most of them were African-American and they would sit there baffled at several things one that you got this father and mother who are still together. My parents just celebrated 49 years of marriage. They both love Jesus and here dad at the end of dinner is taken out his Bible and having family devotions and that's not to say the black community has a monopoly on fatherlessness. We know that that transcends every ethnicity, but the vision of that in the possibilities it painted for my friends they still talk about that to this day you mean and I'm even know this, but I'm sitting here today even though I never said your dinner table, but your dad changed me and I didn't have a father I come to Christ. In college I start the Christian journey in one of the first things you do is go to conferences and who do I hear. I don't know this guy is some dude out there, Crawford, Moritz, and he literally gave me my one of my first visions of what a godly man is and I got a husband and godly father and I'm sitting here today in some ways a disciple. What's really cool is I've got to sit under your teaching different conferences we've been together as speakers and listen to now Crawford son impact my life and people in my church would say they been impacted by me and my younger son who's a preacher with me and it's like look at the legacy God can do.

If you just giving everything that I've had your dad say to me it's an amazing thing to sit and listen to your son preach the word of God and go.

He's ministering to me he's he's he's teaching me stuff he's pointing me to the truth, I haven't thought about before, and that's what we all hope for and pray for as dads. Brian, you talk about a dad's responsibility and kinda break it into four buckets you got an acronym used in the book tell us about the right RI TE that you associate with.

What a father supposed to do and be now so it's fathering right it's the first of his relationship and its integrity and its teaching and its experiences and I think it's apropos that the first gift is relationship in one of things you learn quickly about leadership. Whether it's as a dad or in the workplace is you can't lead anything effectively that you're not really connected to intimately and relationship is huge and it is it is showing up in his presence. It is time it's being there and dad gave us that gift to me.

There were times I remember dad would actually cut trip short just to show up and be there because he felt like it was it was really important. I still have visions of stepping into the batter's box in Little League, you know, I'm 10 years old and looking down the first base line and there's that he's just rushed in from work, his ties loosened you nice sleeves rolled up I could see the sweat jabbering on his forehead and the hot Georgia sun and he's cheering me on. I don't remember how I did in baseball but I do remember my dad being there and so relationship is key to any kind of effective leadership is interesting you know when sons or daughters become teenagers.

It's easy at some point to let that go, because they start to pull away. Yes in. I know a lot of dads and there's a tendency in all of us to think okay there pulling away.

That's what they do, especially with daughters. Yeah, your father and I remember an older father saying to me pursue pursue pursue in that moment even though the portal and that's naturalness should they still in a relationship with you and is going to look different, but go after them.

Is that something you dad did the summary you doing so yeah in a couple of thoughts there and I think that's a huge point that you do bring up and I don't know how you feel about this but you know our kids are driving. Now they've got friends and you know they've got jobs and we've literally had to mandate at this stage. Hey, when you look at your schedules. I really need Sunday afternoons or or whatever the time is for us to just be together. The other thing is finding things that they are interested in and trying to join in on that.

I found that to be helpful. But here's the thing that as I've gotten older and out of the house and actually Dennis Rainey help me with this. I went through. With my dad when Mike meant he's not pursuing me anymore and what's going on like I shall call but I'm not getting invited like the way I used to. And Dennis says you're at the stage now where he's waiting on you to pursue him. He doesn't want to be an intrusion in your life.

So at some point in time, you know, as the dads been pursuing the sun at some point that it's flipped around and we now have to pursue them. That's it. That's a great line I remember and was on the goods that you know like you Brian. I done a lot of traveling. I've been gone, and then try it you know my sons are now teenagers and my youngest is turning 16.

I saw this this is a bad story things the moment we weren't sure how bad it would be better anyway. This short story and it's a longer but the short story was he's turning 16 getting his drivers license and up buddy of mine." Let me give a little. We traveled a lot and so we missed our boys birthdays all the time in our youngest always brought it.

Not only weren't there for this game there for the birthday so he'd only spring that I was feeling intense guilt body at its log story has this opportunity and invites me to jump in a private jet flight to LA and spend the afternoon with John wooden, John.

Look at Brian and I said you will believe this Danny just called and he's got this audience of John wooden, which is one of the guys he said I can go so are going. She goes it's Cody 16th birthday tomorrow. Mike taken with you to bring in. Well, I tried to get on a plane. There was room for one more. It was me or nobody like who cares if these numbers sit in their lives and drive away, and I finally called and said you and I can go John wooden died a week later. He died a week later I still hold that Cody is like you know that you missed John would never remember you being there. You can take a little too far right so absolutely love yes both of you because both of you have enough flyer miles to evidence that you have the your Marriott points are high enough to know that you're not home all the time writing your dad traveled a lot to talk about that in the book. Some of us have to because of the jobs we have some of us need to because of what God's calling us to do.

That doesn't mean that we don't want to be good dads are there ways are there strategies for dads to continue to have a good relationship with their kids while they do the travel thing. So with my dad again it goes back to intentionality. You know he he really took me and my brother a lot of times on these one-on-one trips with them and he would get the calendar out and you know we would do.

They were between 2 to 4 trips with him a year. Each of us and each scheduling way in advance and what they did was it gave us something to look forward to which also allowed us to give him a pass on his other trips. If that makes sense. I'm not saying he did it for that reason, but he really included us in on a whole lot of stuff it in fact I remember Casey 83. I don't know if you guys remember that conference that crew put on it was right after Christmas and I had been begging for Christmas for this Nerf basketball goal that attached to the top of the of the door and a trunk on that thing all yeah and they gave it to me and so dad takes me to Casey 83 I take the nursing with me and I'm 10 years old and dad goes after he speaks to egos. Hey, you want to go hang with Billy Graham tonight. I like no way I'm playing Nerf basketball in my room so you know it would stories like that are just legendary just hanging out my dad and doing life with them and then I saw a different side to my dad. So when I talk about this in the book.

Now this is in a pre-iPhone day, but when we would get into hotel room.

The first thing that we do is he take out a big 8 x 10 photo of the family and would put it in a prominent place in the hotel room, usually in the mirror and I never knew exactly why he did that until years later I'm sit in on one of my mom's workshops and she brings that up and she says pretty much my dad would do that when we get into hotel room as a visual reminder that he had a family counting on him and don't do anything stupid to let them down. So me being able to see that side of him was huge in my own development and I love there's a beautiful story you tell about having to apologize to your son Miles for being away yet it's hit units. Hit me. I should've taken this trip talk so well, you know, and I really got that for my dad.

My dad was just notorious for apologizing to us. There were times he drive up to the school and would pull us out of class and would look us in her eyes and say so and I yelled at you and I should know I thought you were lying you tell the truth that he would own up to it and so that's one of the things that I've tried to carry on with me and so my son graduates from eighth grade 8th grade graduation six grade graduation kindergarten graduation, he won't miss eighth grade and I'll never forget seeing an Instagram photo that my wife posted of just hurting him in my heart sinking as I was out of town and coming back and going straight to his room and just saying I blew it. Would you forgive me. I just messed up, and without even thinking about it because I forgive your dad he extended grace he could asked me for a round of golf at Pebble Beach. But it's not just for kids who need grace we dads need grace to I think the point for any debt listening is you have to be more back to the word intentional but you've got to be purposeful in those things that will establish a relationship whether it's taken kids on trips with you, whether it's the breakfasts that your dad did with you and that I did with my boys when they were growing up and talk about fathers and sons here because we have built, but it's important for fathers and daughters to say to you, I think it's just not only intentional but in today's society we have to fight for that time because everything is pulling us away from family, our spouse and our kids.

I was just cleaning out some drawers the other day and came across a letter to one of our sons. He was in high school. Two-page letter and I said I feel like were drifting apart. Nina, we use the keys to my be with me all the time. It is a teenager. I could tell that he might be with his friends, which is totally normal, but in that letter listening. I want to fight for our relationship. I want to fight for time with you and wondering if we can just have one once every two weeks to catch up. I think it important for a kid and he's like what ever okay then I think we have to really fight for that time especially with you Dave. I watched you when the boys were with you. They were thrilled because your they knew that your time is important and everybody want to keep it when you gave that time to them and I think even as I look back to O'Brien. If you feel this for Bob.

I think my sons would say dad did a good job with the relationship he pursued us. I think they would also say, but often he didn't go there in conversation with us like we hang we play you and get it playing yeah but you know like a cat.

We should have a conversation about this. That's where it can be easy to be passive and maybe even fearful to say okay I don't porn I don't your girlfriends how you know your thought life. Anyone of those like him to step in the something I did it but there are times whereas I do tomorrow and then that's part of the relationship to where they want to be known and yet it's a scary time.

Sometimes the step and there's a debit we have to offer a dad to say someone tell you what I'm struggling with the journey. I let me tell you I blew it last week or what I'm warning from God's word.

It's not just the let me ask you the hard questions, but let me reveal what's going on in my own life how to say is the only dad in the room that had daughters, it was easier for me to pursue and to find activities to do with my sons during their junior high and teen years with the girls. I could do that when they were little, but when they became teenagers. There was almost something like now. It feels strange to say let's have a breakfast father daughter once a week like no you do that with your boys. You don't do that with your girls and I look back and I go I was doing it again I'd be just as intentional about those kinds of times with my daughter. That's a great point because I had two brothers and sister and my dad was a coach so he spent all of his time with my brothers and I didn't have any time with him. I felt a real gap in a real loss in my life. I just wrote this in our parenting, but the time that marked me the most with my dad and impacted me is when my uncle had cancer so my mom was gone, taking him to these chemo appointments and my dad would say. I think I was 16, his head working to meet at Bill Knapp's for dinner. I had never had a conversation with my dad is at a restaurant go maps and coldpressed are no no and so he sat down and I felt awkward.

I felt this is weird.

I don't know him and I'm ready to bounce out of that place as soon as were done eating, and he'd order another cup of coffee and he thanked tell me about what's going on in your life, and at first it felt awkward. I didn't know what to do or say and it became a marking point in my life feeling like how he really sees me he cares about me and does enters became my favorite time. I think that's really important, especially for dads to pursue their daughters when it may not feel natural and we mention that this is one of the four gifts that dad needs to give to his children. One of the four gifts Brian that you spell out in your book the Dan difference.

The four most important gifts you can give to your kids where making your book available this week to family life to the listeners. Anybody you can help support the ministry with a donation get in touch with us and were happy to say thank you by sending you Brian Moritz book the Dan difference and know that you're making a difference with your donation as well.

Family like to is committed to effectively developing godly marriages and families who change the world one home at a time. Your donations to this ministry are an investment in the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every day to connect with us be a family like to on our website to our events and our resources you make that possible. Every time you donate, so thanks in advance for whatever you're able to do today and again asked for your copy of the book the dad difference. The four most important gifts you can give to your kids. Thanks in advance for your support of this ministry and if you have not yet gone through family life's art of parenting video series or if you have not taken our younger couples. Through this series enough your empty-nesters challenge for you get three or four younger couples who are in the middle of raising a family and bring them in and figure out a way to do this socially distant store online some way.

But walk them through a parenting series like the art of parenting that features insight from people like Alister Begg and Dave and Ann Wilson, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, Brian Cory Lorentz, Tim and Darcy Kimball. So many who contributed to this, the art of parenting video series is a great tool for you to have an impact in the lives of others. Find out more when you go to our website. Family life to the.com and think about how you can connect with couples and help sharpen their parenting skills and your skills. If you're still in the middle, raising your kids again. Find out more@familylifetoa.com and think about how you can use the art of parenting to invest in the lives of others out tomorrow, working to continue our conversation about the gifts that dads can give to their children and we got a little surprising for Brian tomorrow.

Tell him now but will surprise them tomorrow. Hope you can tune in for that think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine.

See you back next time for another edition of family life today.

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