Marital Communication That Works

Maybe you've heard the proverb that says a gentle answer turns away what wrath right Rob plug says that's really true in marriage.

The direction of a conversation doesn't typically belong to the person who starts it, but it belongs to the person who responds to it. I can say something in a harsh way at a bad time using the wrong words to Gina and if she responds, knowing I'm for her even though I just totally messed it up and her response is gentle or her response is no. I said it, not in the tone that I used when I can be in a conflict. It's really hard to get in an argument with someone who won't fight this is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bobby Payne can find us online@familylifetoday.com. We know that a soft answer can turn away anger or wrath. So how can we get better at delivering soft answers talk more about that today with Robin Gina flood stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us.

Don't don't you think it would've been helpful when you guys for yes I held firm in the first year and 1/2 if there had been communication. Coaches who kind of came in and just watched you do it meant a timeout over your huddle up and help call a few plays with mother been helpful.

Yes, they would have watched this for five minutes and said just because you think it doesn't mean you have to say it again, then say that for my wife is not for both of us, but we said some things in year one. Talk about power words that we'd never forgotten.

40 years later, you've got to be very careful. You forgiven and you reconciled and you understand the young we were mature but those words don't go away. I remember thinking after fight he really feel all of that about me because we throw out words as ammunition as shrapnel as weapons. And so what happens is purchased beat up and later rethink how to hate me think it's actually going to happen when we said those words, we think that our spouses can turn around and take care of right. I'm so sorry you for sharing. Write a book on this. We have got a couple communication coaches joining us, Robin Gina flood are with us because welcome back. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Rob and Gina were a part of family life back in the first part of the 21st-century you join here in 2001 and were here till 2006 is all right.

2006 here we finished up our time, 2007 I got a question for you sooner work for Bob writing content. Yes I did. How was that I was grossly really tell us the good I was fantastic. Yeah Bob was a kind of manager who would give you a nine month project be really clear and not check on you for nine months, but on nine months. You better be ready and I love that kind of freedom I love that kind of empowerment I think you got the best out of me when I was here. Rob and Rob did great work. He was a writer on a digital team. In fact, wrote an article back them that has been shared by a lot of folks and it's the five communications tools with Sagar marriage. That's right, that's now at the heart of the book you've written, which is called with these words where you take these five communications tools and you've already shared with us this week that your first year and 1/2.

Your communication was not very good. Did you get coaching or did you just get on the job training that led you to get better.

We do not get coaching. It was on the job training that came through a few venues that did not coordinate with one another.

There is a pastor and his wife, who are to this day, very careful with their words. It was their example.

It was reading Paul trips war of words that educated me on what happened in the last 18 months.

It was the combination of those things and then just going to work together having the faith that God was in this to go and make mistakes together realizing were putting back together something that our own hands of torn apart. Did you start acknowledging to one another. We got work to do in this area and were you allowing one another.

The freedom to correct when you are making mistakes because you don't just flip a switch and go all we used a bad communication that we have good communication you got patterns and habits of been developed over years, they keep showing up you say something I shouldn't said that. Were you at a point in your marriage where you could say sweetheart that we've agreed that's not how we want to talk to one another in the beginning it was saying words that were hurtful.

But then, repenting and coming back and asking for forgiveness.

After we had repented and then having that conversation again were laying that conversation aside because that area was just too tender. So let's let's lay that aside for a day or two and will come back at it again and then over time as we learned one another because we didn't really care to learn one another. We didn't take that time to learn what is the best way that I can say something to Rob where he's going to receive. When should I be quiet like you are saying this because I think it does mean I should say it's a long dance.

It's like a dance you are making mistakes.

But now there was grace instead of being isolation is all right yes what we realize really early on in this restoration process was that our communication could not be about winning and losing, because I would always divide because one of us wins and one of us loses. We realized our communication was either building something together or tearing something down and so when there was a mistake that was made or harsh word that was spoken how I responded that will determine whether something gets built up or torn down right now and so we learned early on that we can't have a perfect accounting for every word, but we needed a bigger vision of what we were building and that allowed an offensive word to fall to the ground and get enough to respond that you have always said I mean it's in your book as well when you're trying to resolve a conflict or communicate in a marriage, or in any any case really with your kids and in a business setting. It's about two things.

One is skills so an obvious event about some of things you say in your book about skills of learning how to communicate and timing the neck. I think that another big part which is huge what you just sit on his attitude like an attitude that says I care for her. I care for him sewing to be very careful how I speak to them because the attitude is the foundation of the skill right talk about deck is right. You went from an attitude earlier marriage where words were like weapons and now you're talking like you get really careful with the skills of communication, but it was all based in attitude, talk about the attitude.

It goes to that shovel and rake when we realized in the months leading up to the second weekend to remember and then at the weekend to remember that we are a part of building something bigger than us, and if it was all about me in that moment winning or losing. I may win the next 40 conflicts and we be worse off at the end we had to join together and realizing organ have different ways of building this but we are a part of something that was a major message that got through to us. The legacy message, not just what we building now would we building for the future for our kids and our grandkids and so at that point every conflict we had was not high-stakes because it was we have to put all of our ammunition, and it would have to win because we have to win if we realize working to have conversations for the rest of our lives together and some of her getting a great some of them aren't something to feel like I lost some of them to feel like I one, but the right paradigm is what are we building together and what of try to capture is that there's actually ways skills that we can incorporate in marriage that help us build so when where Wimmer had a conversation.

For example, about our teams and where disagreeing on something that we need to do for them, or with an attitude like you're saying as the foundation, our skills don't need to be as sharp because if our attitude is there that we are together we are a team that's going to slow us down because I don't have to get my way with what we do with this team and here's how we talk about that at the weekend. Remember how I talked about. At least I will say when you got an issue in your marriage. You need to put the issue on the table and the two of you together need to say that's the issue you're not the issue.

I'm not the issue that's the issue.

So let's together, figure out we got an issue.

Now let's talk about how we fix this issue and we may have different perspectives. But rather than making the other person. The issue we make the issue the issue and we can now go after that together and so I think we had to do this now. I think we ought to do that rather than sign with your stupid for thinking that now it made you the issue we select a different perspective. So let me think about that. Let's put together our goal is fix this issue and we are allies in that rather than being opponents amount and that's part of this attitude you're talking about day porches work together on this. We want the marriage to be good. We want were working on together to be good and we got that attitude. Now we can be allies. Toward that end, rather than opponents. Yet I think is your standby when you put the issue on the table and it's almost like you separated from us the attitude that has to happen. This is only I believe Jesus can do is take us from sore arrogance or I'm right to humility, which is your my partner you're my spouse.

I love you.

I want to hear your perspective on this.

Now I know I'm sitting at studio and I'm not mad at it that Eddie and right now, so it's easy to say but in that moment to say, God give me a spirit of humility. She's more important than this issue and I want to destroy her over this issue. So how do I step back and listen. That's a communication skill, but it's coming out of an attitude of humility which Jesus breeds right through the Holy Spirit to say okay we can resolve this because were a team, and like you said it's it's a legacy thing at stake here.

Let's talk about the tools, the five tools because you put labels on these names to these that have been helpful and you come back to this over and over again in your own marriage. The first tool for effective communication is what you call a tool of first response explain what that is yet the principle behind this first tool is that the direction of a conversation doesn't typically belong to the person who starts it, but it belongs to the person who responds to it and in the book I go through multiple examples of how Jesus really exemplifies this people were trying to pick fights with him constantly during his earthly ministry, but they never got what they wanted. They never got him to go in the bad direction. His response steered it towards a redemptive direction steered towards a lesson steered towards a parable and because the person that started the conversation was an enemy of his. They were against him. They really frustrated them. It's really quite the contrary, if you've got two people trying to build a marriage. I can say something in a harsh way at a bad time using the wrong words to Gina and if she responds, knowing I'm for her even though I just totally messed it up. If she responds, knowing him for her and her response is gentle or her response is no. I said it, not in the tone that I used when I can be in a conflict. It's really hard to get in an argument with someone who won't fight with you so you send the responder determines whether this escalates or de-escalate's absolutely right, and the Bible says a gentle answer does what turns away wrath right so in a moment when a spouse in frustration.

Exasperated about something says well this would be a problem if you didn't do whatever what happens next determines whether this escalates or de-escalate its absolute power raised is in the hands of the responders and I would say what happens next is very much determined by what your spouse is been feeding their mind and heart with. In other words, when I'm spending time with God when I'm with him when I'm asking God to give me eyes for Dave. The way God has eyes for Dave. Then my response could be one of gentleness and not kind of jumping on the bandwagon of that anger that if I'm not enough. I haven't spent time with him and I've been spending time with thoughts that are very un-biblical or like Dave is the problem and this is the issue then my responses can be very much like I'm right on it and I'm jumping on him. So having that argument in your head for two hours before he ever showed a right point maybe two weeks maybe two years, you need to talk about in one of your principles you talk about how speak so that the other person encounters God. How do we do not like that look like the principal there is that God has given us words to minister grace. The rest of the principles talk about giving grace to those who hear talk about not allowing any corrupting talk to come out of our mouths. So when we speak to them our goals in our words should be aligned with God's goals for them so that when I'm responding to Gina, it ought not be self defensive God not interested in defending me. He's interested in glorifying himself in that moment. And so my response to Gina ought to be with the compassion and with the goals that God has for he wants her to grow in Christ likeness. If my words are not aimed at helping her grow in Christ likeness. I'm actually out of sync with what God is, is doing in that moment.

And so it's having a constant awareness of what God has commanded us to do, how he's called us to love the truth is that were actually pretty good at this outside of our house right where were all pretty good at responding if if your boss says something nasty to you you not responding back and escalating that we are doing that for long as an employee right. We're good at measuring our responses. The problem is when we walk in our front door we take that gift off that skill off and we give ourselves license to sin against one another. Yeah, I mean we do it all time. It is with the people we love the most. Other you know I've taught this principle gentle answer turns away wrath the number one thing is born out of my subdivision to get on our road and I couldn't get in can get in there is no break. And finally there's a little break.

I pull out and realize all know that car was coming left faster so I really cut them off so you know I did the deal where you like owner fees mad you look in the rear mirror and he is livid.

It's a 2 Lane Rd. Socially, one leg on South and I minute so he's on my bumper doing what we all do right. God never done this but I me I can see him yelling it's Michigan is called Windows rub but I can see there's hand gestures going on and I'm like I just want to separate from the skies as I can. I can't because it's we get up to the stoplight.

There's a lane beside me and I might go no and he does. He pulls right over to the lane to my right. I don't look like I don't want to see was going on but I soon right periphery. I can see me yell. I can hearing his windows, not down, he's get all kinds of things just try to get my attention. So finally after I ate her nine seconds. I just turn like this and I look at him and I the windows on my side still up so I mall these words.

I'm sorry my is like that and he goes oh no problem, see they just drove off and was like just any he went from rage to this and what happened. Proverbs 15 one. Gentle answer turns away this wrath and I think okay why can I do that home. My wife offend me. I don't do it.

So having the question, how the most important in and hit on this earlier.

What happens in those moments is an overflow of how you have fed your soul up to that moment good and so we have to be aware that Christ himself has been a first responder to us that if he had treated us according to our sins, we wouldn't have received grace and compassion and mercy and forgiveness.

We wouldn't know fellowship and restoration with God, we wouldn't know the power of the Holy Spirit living in our lives we be rejected and God can yell louder than us. His response rightfully should have destroyed us but he chose to responding compassion and so we are a recipient of the grace of the tool of first response from the throne of God. If we can live in the goodness of that in the truth of that and allow that to function in how we relate to one another in marriage. I'll never be asked to respond to Gina's wrath with more grace.

Then God responded to my rebellion.

If we live in the goodness of that if we feed our souls on what God has done for us.

The responding is a natural fruit responding in this way in the redemptive kind way is a natural fruit is good.

Obviously when things are going smoothly in life that's easier to do.

It's when things get busy, hectic, stressful you have babies that haven't slept at night. He's had no sleep relicensing or add it in those times when you are stressed out and because you're stressed out you're a little it's a little easier to go toward the flesh than toward the spirit is our way to walk yourself back in those moments, there is a may not be in the tool of first response because we've Artie blown that right. It may be in some of the other tools in the more restorative tools.

This would be more of a proactive tool where someone acts toward us, in a way that we wish they wouldn't. Now we can say we don't have to go there we can respond in a way but even Artie blown through that guardrail. There are other things to keep you from going off the cliff and that's where some of the other thing is the second tool tool prayer right that's right, the tool of prayer shows up a lot. It got its own chapter. Of course, but the it shows up in the tool of first response because you may need to pray before you say your next words it shows up in the tool of mirroring, because before you respond to what your spouse has said and you try to repeat back to them in my hearing you correctly, you need prayer prayerfully listening prayerfully thinking so you prayer it is one that they can show up in every tool in life that always easy for you guys to pray with one another. We did so much damage in that first year and half.

That it takes time for you safe with your spouse again. Prayer is such a vulnerable thing when you're praying with your spouse, you are vulnerable and if you have destroyed that then praying together is going to be difficult, so maybe in the beginning you're not praying together, get praying individually and then maybe as hearing continues your praying individually and saying I prayed for you. I prayed for this conversation were going to half and then maybe then you take a walk in your praying together, but you're not sitting down you're not looking at each other. You're not holding hands and you're just praying out loud and it just comes in baby steps. But God is patient with us and God's desire is for him to be glorified in our marriage and it's not gonna happen in a lightning bolt. He will allow it to happen over the course of time.

In reality, when we first started to be able to put our marriage back together, these were things we work through together. We were both kind of on the job I want that to discourage somebody maybe listening where only the wife is trying to really grow in Christ and the husband may be disinterested, or vice versa. The reality is the way these tools play out in the rest of our marriage is I'm using them when Gina may not even be thinking about them, and she may be using them when I'm not thinking about them. The illustration of God-given, not in the book but in counseling multiple times is that communication in marriage. Can he quit like a dance where you would dance better as a couple of you both went for lessons but only one of you goes for lessons. You may not dance as well as if you both went for lessons, but you go to be better than if none of you go for I's and so these tools can help.

Even if the other spouse is not interested in growing more and that moment is not interested in living for Jesus, they can still help the marriage, they can help the spouse that is pressing toward Christ and Lord willing, when the other spouse has received grace. The effect of that will be a softening to the Lord and conviction on how they haven't lived for him in his words, or in her words that I know is you know is you talk about this tool prayer. I know that I have.

Often I wish I could say just a few times, but many times I prayed to win. Thinking this tool prayer and spin it toward me got help help me win this argument got help her to see my side and rather than God help me to hear her to understand her to be gentle and responsive.

That's where dogma right it's really mean it be great if you pray together but him if you can't I can pray and I can pray the right thing which is God. I want and that again were backed attitude that I want this to end and reconciliation. God help me forgive her bright red and for her him to see my way right right now you said help me to hear her.

I think that's very very important. I think it's equally important is help me to hear you you're doing something right now that if I don't get on board with that. Doesn't matter how I use these tools I'm going to to be a mess. I'm going to drift from where you want us to be what are you wanting for me right now. What are you working on in Gina what are you wanting in our marriage. So Lord help me here.

Gina but help me hear you yeah I think the greatest lesson I learned in paddling has had the greatest impact on me is taking my words to God first and think that should I say anything and then for me to listen and to say father if I do say anything.

What he want me to say and how should I say it took so much self-control from me because I wanted to say exactly what was on my mind it took so much self-control to say, Holy Spirit, I need you. First, I need self-control and I need to hear you father and sometimes I would wait because we hear God in many different ways to get the word to spirit your friends until it was a matter of waiting hard. I think it's really important because I really did use my words as weapons so often and it hurt David hurt our relationship and so that's not an easy thing to go to God first in prayer, but I think it's really important and I think that for everybody listing to ask two questions. First of all to say am I a good responder. Am I walking with Jesus in such a way, day in and day that when I get hit with something that kinda takes me throws me for a loop for a minute. Can I rebound and respond well to work on that as a strategy for your marriage, and Sam will be the kind of person that when my spouse says something that is angry or frustrating or hurtful or harmful. I can take a breath in and say let's talk about that rather than erupting in anger and I think it's a natural. The natural thing is when some I escalate you escalate. So it's gotta be supernatural to respond the way Jesus would respond and then the second thing is Emma Avenue I been praying for marriage have I been praying for my spouse and one of those per sounded like are those just prayers of anger and frustration in God. You need to fix them or is it Lord what I need to do. I have a humble heart unteachable.

How can I be a different person board make me more like you in the situation with my spouse.

These are two of the tools that Rob outlines in the book with these words that we got in our family life today resource Center you can order the book from us online@familylifetothe.com back.

I'm sitting here thinking about a couple I know. And we been talking about challenges and frustrations in their marriage and I'm thinking a lot of it is communication. It's just they're not expressing themselves well to one another, so I will get them a copy of this book, you can order a copy for yourself online@familylifetothe.com or you can call to order one 800, FL, today is our number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. The book again is called with these words five communication tools for marriage and life by Rob flood let me ask you whether it has been hard or easy for you.

In recent days to find yourself rejoicing. I think as you pay attention to what's going on in our world has you stay connected to social media, or you're watching what's going on in the news.

It's it's hard to maintain a spirit of joy and I want to point you to what the Scriptures tell us in first Thessalonians chapter 5 verse 16 says rejoice always, let me remind you, the person who wrote that was somebody who spent time in prison who was locked up in chains who often did not have enough to eat, who had been beaten for his faith. He's the one telling us to rejoice always and to pray without ceasing, and to give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. So rejoice, pray give thanks. These are our marching orders as sons and daughters of God during these difficult times and I'll tell you what, as we do that as we rejoice as we give thanks.

As we pray the people around us or to wonder why we are hopeful and joyful and at peace. And that gives us an opportunity to give a reason for the hope that is in us, so keep your your spiritual vision intact.

During these difficult times stay on mission. Stay focused on God. Let the peace of God that passes understanding what your heart at ease about tomorrow. We want to talk more about communication and marriage. We want to find out if it's okay if you're locked up in communication and you're not doing well.

Is it okay to call a timeout and separated for 15 minutes or half an hour or even 1/2 day is it okay Robin Gina flood back with us tomorrow to talk about that as well. I don't think our engineer today on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrued ministry help for today hope for tomorrow