Shut Up and Repent

Wilson and her husband Dave had been married for a decade and there was an ongoing persistent source of conflict in their marriage. She called the merry-go-round and the merry-go-round lies. I feel like you never home. The boys need you I need you. You're gone. You're doing all the stuff everybody else and we need you at home and then David get angry, get mad and you say I am home any defendant south and I today know you're not home in that we just end and so for a long time that had happened where I was so angry and angry resentment, bitterness in my bitterness turned to nothing, just hard pressed hard.

This is family life today hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob Payne find us online@familylifetoday.com what we do as couples when our hearts become hardened or more about them today and welcome to family life to the thanks for joining us to revisit a classic story today. I don't know about classic a defining moment this in the Wilson marriage you would say this was legacy defining didn't know it at the moment when it happened but now looking back it changed everything. Not only in our marriage, but he really believe in our son's marriages and our legacy. I first heard you share this story of the week and remember get away. This was more than a decade ago where you were sharing this with folks and I thought that's a powerful story and when we set down to map out the art of marriage, video series, we thought, what are the stories we need to include. I thought we should David and to let story about their anniversary so you shared that that got shared in the art of marriage. There have been more than a million people who have seen that in the art of marriage. A million people for this moment, that you also it was you that said to the book you know we had no idea rethinking know it's not in the year ago you released the book vertical marriage in the stories at the center of that now there's a a video series for small groups called vertical marriage. That's five sessions where you unpack the themes from the book of the best thing that the video series and summarizes you read the stories in the book. You don't get to hear them. Now you get to hear them, especially from my wife and brings all the visuals and onto the stage and creates magical moments and you get to watch and you can find out more about the book vertical marriage and about the vertical marriage video series. When you go to family life today.com but I thought today we ought to listen back to the conversation we had about this chapter in your life. This was before you became the hosts of family life to the area. We set on the other side is right and we were scared to death and it's even scarier being on this site but you, Dennis Rainey, and I got a chance to talk to you about this chapter in your life and in your marriage and so you listen back to Dennis and me interviewing the two of you about this during point. If I had asked you, and 10 years into your marriage did you think you have a good marriage 10 years and now at 10 years in I was very disappointed. I was frustrated I was angry. I thought we would have an amazing and I felt a lot of guilt to we were starting this church. They were starting at in terms of he was putting the time and energy into that we had 10 kids.

At the time they were little or three in one and so I'm trying to keep the home front steady and still helping Dave as we start this church, but he was gone a lot and more and more.

He was also the chaplain for the Detroit Lions and so he was traveling with the team.

He was getting chapels. We were both leading Bible studies for them and then we had all this church stuff on top of that when you're in ministry, especially it feels like you're competing with God because all the things Dave was doing were wonderful, godly, amazing things that were expanding God's kingdom and I felt very selfish and self-centered to say we need you at home and I did say it and I said it very loud tonight though she yelled it very nice nice right now. It is a thing for me and you heard this in the art of marriage as I was clueless to this height, I would've told her my household very clean for clarifying that you thought your marriage on a 10 point scale was what I was in a 10 or 9.8 and I guaranteed you and agreed you know that I go I thought I really did. I really did any people here that now no IQ. There's no way thought that. Here's what I thought when we first got married, we struggled big time. Went to the weekend. Remember as an engaged couple thought we just whiz in the marriage and make it work six months in prison.

This in chapter 1 of the book. By the way, six months in were fighting so much. I go downstairs at three in the morning because I can't sleep and I get on my knees and I open the word of God. Oh, and I walked into the room right at that point and we had a fight. It wasn't resolved and I wake up and takes time and so I go down into this room and I see him on his knees and thank you finally know I'm so excited to see him like the peculiar and allergic pain. He goes you know I've just been reading God's word where Paul said to live is Christ and to die is gain. And I just told God.

God, I'd rather be dead and married to. That wasn't what you expect, how I now like what an idiot I cannot believe I said I me. I pray that I really did pray that think about you laugh at it now, but you guys know me when you're in that moment.

It's like a rather die. Yeah Paul just said death is glorious in this is terrible. So I minute I wrote that.

But here's you think it's funny now because you know we were mentored a little bit before got married and they said tell your spouse. Every thought you ever have. So that's why told her we say that although it is really bad advice you told every single thought, which I did and when I said a lot. I thought it will be in authentic and I looked her heart just went why groups why were you so miserable six months and what was it that wasn't happening for you. Everything I it's it we were your typical couple. Madly in love and you have these expectations that you don't even realize you're bringing in baggage and baggage that your reality doesn't match up to expectations, there's this gap and I filled the gap with I married the wrong person.

You know that you were miserable because he wasn't the man you thought he was some think it's dad and I think he had.

We are fighting any liens ever and I think I'd be thinking you were supposed to work this out. We had differences in our past and our sexual past that were just very hard.

I have abuse in my background and so I felt insecure and Derek.

There is just a lot of baggage at the amazing thing in my mind as I felt like we work through all that your one were now your 10 we got it together. We have a couple kids certain to launch a dream of mine start a church on the chaplain of the Lions.

So here I am living the dream and I'm actually thinking our marriage is good now that's what I would've told you it's a tent it's beyond good and my wife feels the same way and that all came crashing down in one night evening.

Let me where Dave is a nine or 10 if someone would have asked me. I said a one and maybe a .5. I was so angry that Dave didn't know how bad we were doing before we jump back into your town. There are folks were just saying how did you get out of six months.

I wish I was dead and not married to. Six months later be okay. We got this back on track. What happened in the intervening six months that help fix some of those early problems get read the book so I can set no. I think what actually happened.

It sounds simplistic, but we really did pull out the manual. The family life. We can remember.

Manual and I said it's magic and it's got all the answers but it was our only source of what does God's word really say it again. We'd sat there on the weekend and listen but we really weren't listening because we didn't think we needed it now or desperation and we sort of went back two things happen one week pulled it out and said okay let's start a block one. What are the five threats we like wow all of these are hipness with God will do with number two was we started teaching it. Yes we had nothing else to teach.

We didn't know anything else with this manual, like there's people that want help were not able to help them because were not far enough ahead of them. That's what we felt more like we can give them what we got and so as we taught it we internalize it and it literally*change your life really changed everything. I would say I would look you both Barbara and Dennis and to say thanks.

Thank you. I'm not sure in that year one. If we had made it and I'm not sure we would've made it out of year 10. Had it not been for family life. The principles help tools and Jesus.

He was the main thing but those resources saved our marriage. The Bible says that faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the word of God, and I think one of the understated benefits of the weekend to remember is for a couple of husband and wife to sit in that conference and soak and listen and meditate and hear it said and see it illustrated in here older more mature couples talk about how they have endured trials all applying the Scripture to their lives. You leave that conference with fresh hope, because the Bible brings it it brings it alive in more ways than one. Now to go back to your 10th year you had this glorious evening planned for you and and you you actually went out to eat and had the guy who serves you armed with 10 roses tell him about the 10 rows I lets romance I was Mr. Romero hey guys you guys need to write this one down and felt under the pile. After I heard Dave Wilson is sure if you're doing this at your life. Doesn't that your marriage is a .5 all this is true yeah I did get a voice at night, but I thought I was submitted again and did know it's a most of the evening was a surprise even the restaurant and I'm pretty tired with my money, so we don't go to nice nice $50 steak places and we did. But I did tell her till later. I didn't put this in the book.

I did two-for-one coupon there so I just let that be a little secretive but yeah I had this deal with the waiter.

When I walked in I said again 10 roses and I said when I give you a look bring over one rows at a time and so he brought Rose number one we talked about your number one. Actually and that he did that with your Junior 308 through 10 and I would've told you I don't know what it would say I was like it's a great night. We are talking and I mean talking because women don't want to talk you want to talk right right so it's on my relationship and all I remember about that that conversation was all highlights was all memories of the first 10 years that were good. We didn't go dark. We went to the best memories of our tenures you are killing and I think that the waiter was like this dude is amazing. I was given him a lesson romance where you start to soften and go you know he really is a wonderful guy and I really am lucky to be married to him.

I wish I could say yes, but now my heart was so hard that intellectually in my mind I thought this is this is a good tribe. Anything going in my heart thinking I really like you now silently way that you tied up to the EKG, it had an occasional blip's a good way to put it but not having many heartbeats for him now so you finish the 10 roses you decide you're going to take your wife out and go show her the building. Your building to start this church but actually you have ulterior motives. Even in that you know me well yeah it even and figured it out, but we were driving home in another surprise upon the parking lot.

We are about to start our church, Kensington in a middle school and had not seen this middle schools like our team and decided this. I thought this be cool park here will pray about God doing a miracle in that school and build the church and then I thought will go park yes all know what I mean by far right yeah and yeah so I honestly don't even remember praying I don't know if we did I just remember leaning over word a little Honda Accord, so it was a little tight but I remember leaning over to kiss and then again at this point in the evening. I'm thinking this is a great night she loves me. I love her, romance, good food, great communication, it makes sense to end this night the way I have envisioned my mind and I thought of course she's going to go there and so I try to kiss her and she turns her head and I and again I'm so oblivious to what's really in her heart.

I think she just didn't even realize I'm trying to kiss her, so I didn't even think that she didn't want to kiss me, so I try again you lean over from the driver seat and she deftly turns her head and that's quick and he died of the wits about me to go okay sounds wrong here. I don't need to be a genius but oh my gosh, so I just said to her is something wrong. My first response was no, because he had put great effort into making this night wonderful and it lies inside and one a racket for him and so he said again, but it seems like there's something wrong and to be honest I didn't want him to touch me. That's how far gone I was. And finally, he looked at me said seriously, what's up, and I just was quiet for a while I thought all right here we go, and I said I have lost all my feelings for you I have nothing I feel nothing about our relationship and I don't know what to do that I don't I'm not there so I'm sitting there and it was as quiet as it just was because number one I can't believe what I'm hearing. Again, I have no idea. This is what's going on in her heart. Although there were symptoms and signs for the last year, at least last six months that I did not see because my eyes were so driven on everything outside my home except my wife and she's be left in the decile and she said that at first I was like you because she said you're gonna live in Jan put the boys to bed without you and I and I literally turned with my right arm to reach into the backseat where my planner was back in the days and had the schedule in your planner. That's where was and this is what I did in arguments. If I stayed around long enough to argue I would win it so I was in a pull a baby out. I really was reach back to the point I was in opening up and prove her wrong.

I have been home. I was home Monday. I was home last.

You know, because I knew it was in there.

So I'm reaching back there to grab it and this is where this thing turns. It was amazing what happens. I haven't to me a few times my life. I sense the voice of God one audible. It was just a strong Holy Spirit knowledge, but it was so strong I knew exactly what he was saying it was two words shut up. It was as strong shut up. Don't you touch that planner listen. So in an even know the size I guess and went and put my just put my hand back in my lap and I said tell me more what you mean by that.

What was really interesting in my hand to because I saw him reaching in the back and I thought oh here we go Kinko's. The merry-go-round that we were always getting on in the merry-go-round lies. I feel like you're never home. The boys need you I need you. You're gone.

You're doing all the stuff for everybody else and we need you at home and then David get angry he get mad. I need say I am home any defendant south tonight.

I know you're not home and that we just end and so for a long time that had happened where I was so angry I anger turned to resentment. My resentment turned to bitterness in my bitterness turned to nothing just a hard trustee heart and so when he turned around and he said tell me what you mean the first time he's ever said and so I shared all that I feel like you're not home. I feel like I'm parenting alone. I feel like you're off winning the world and you've left me behind and I mad about it. I'm resentful and angry. It's all of that and I don't even care anymore. I'm not saying I'll divorce you, and I'm saying I have no hope that our marriage will ever be good so that again I didn't say a word, not a work because I had heard very strongly from God, shut up. This zip your lip and listen so I just listened and again I heard the voice of God.

It was almost surreal chrism got this horizontal conversation going on but I have a vertical communication going on with God and and you know now look back he does at all times.

Always speaking to us but he was very strong that night where I heard him say one word again. I'm listening to AM, but it was so strong because he said it several times. Repent, repent, repent, and was inching it was like strong but gracious just like the heart of the father you know is like this is very serious but I love you and I'm calling you out of where you been limit.

So of course and I know that she's just sharing I'm looking at an I'm hearing this, and I knew here's the thing I knew, in one word what revetment wasn't I'm in moral failure live in disobedient and in a scenario my life. It was this simple. When I heard the word repent. I knew God was saying, your lukewarm you preach it you teach it you not live in it. I can't remember the last time you and I had an intimate conversation God in me you not open in the word of God to just love me and let me love you Europe and the word of God to get a message to go give somebody sell a pat on the back and say you're amazing. You pray help me prayers.

Again, this is all in one word. All this is funneling into my brain is like your prayer to help me as you're walking on stage to give another message somewhere outside of your house, although that's in one word, and I knew in this one word.

Here's what God was saying if you want this your marriage to work. This has to come first and appointed it horizontal if you want this horizontal relation imagine anything really to work I have to be first vertically I have to be number one, it's never going to work without me be in the center and the rock and what you preach has to be real. All that was in one work and I knew it, and when you say me you're saying God just to be God has to be the center vertical first. That's the whole concept of vertical marriages. What would happen if you went vertical got in and really establish relation with him in and out of that overflow that intermarriage. All that was in one word in a and and again I did know all the implications of that but I knew this I needed to repent. Right now, and so when in finish what she was saying. I said something like this. I said we need to talk about everything you said. But before we talk I need to do something I need to do right now. You don't need to do this. I do the course she has no idea what that was going to be a night and you know for for whatever reason I felt like I need to be on my knees when I did this and I don't always pray my knees but there are times when I just want my posture to be in total submission. So I got my knees in the front seat of a Honda Accord. Don't ask me how but I pushed that driver seat back and I turned around the steering wheel was in my back and I put my elbows on the on the driver seat and I heard a loud with my eyes close.

I know it is doing this isn't about my wife this about me and God. I just forgot I need to repent.

I am a lukewarm Christian.

You know me you know I've always hated that in the church and I preached against it and now I'm that guy is paying that out loud. I've heard a lot I said, I'm asking you to make me the man you called me to be the husband. I'm called to be the dad I need to be. I'm submitting everything to you wasn't a conversion moment. It was just putting him back where he deserves to be on the throne the control of my life again. I'd preaches many times, and here I am not live in it so is like oh my gosh God, I surrender everything you have to be the God who you are my life and I repent and I choosing to live the life you call me live and I thought we are done. I thought okay now let's talk and I look over and she's on her knees. I think when Dave got on his knees.

It shocked me. I know that Dave loves God. I know that he's running hard after God that that was such a vulnerable place to be saying that I repent and soon as Dave did that there was a conviction of my heart. Realizing that I had put all my hopes and dreams in Dave and my marriage had become an idol. I was spending so much time complaining in my head about him that my walk with God had become subpar. I realized that I was thinking if Dave would just get everything together if he would be this guy I could be happy in my happiness should never be determined upon others actions. My happiness should depend on who God says I am who he is and my walk with him. That's where the real joy comes from and I realize I put Dave as the idol of my life.

He was like on my throne, and so I got on my knees.

I sent God.

I can fasten. I repent to because I put my marriage and Dave in place of you and I repent of that might happiness has been determined by him and his actions and assess wrong so I give you all of me.

All of us, our future, our marriage and we pray God again. We grabbed hands at that point because we had done this on our honeymoon and other times to God take our marriage and make it great. We can't do it. Apart from you. Some couples will have an experience like this and then the next day the habits the old patterns are back, was like we went to the mountaintop, but nothing really changed things really changed for you. Yeah, and I'm not considers a man. It was like boom but it was the next day was like okay you can.

Prayer. Prayer like that, but that's a daily prayer. It's something we have to establish rhythms and disciplines in our life and in our marriage and I mean there were many conversations after that night about the horizontal part is I have people got me a few shares during say okay you repented what you do, Michael, one of the things we had to learn to do was say no. I had to learn to say no to so many things outside the house that I thought were very, very important are important if I lose this my wife and my my family. I don't have a ministry it's like oh my gosh have got it all out of order.

I'm saving other families and losing my own.

It was like the only way I see my own families.

I gotta say my own soul with God, and be right with him and then here here's the amazing thing I think about vertical marriage, the concept is this we come in the marriage and we were doing the same thing even though we taught this differently. We were trying to get happiness from each other right and so when that doesn't happen and that didn't happen for almost everybody at some point you're disappointed most couples, we did same thing. We think I'm a drum personnel about your looking on place that's the answer. Vertical marriage is when you look to the one who can give you the joy and happiness that you want. Now you can bet your marriage, what you're overflowing rather than I need I need I need. It's like no I'm I'm called by my God. The servant he's filled me up in such a way I can serve it literally changes everything. As you can talk. I've been thinking about Psalm 127, one which is been quoted many many times here on family life to the it really captures the concept of vertical marriage. It says unless the Lord builds the house, that's the vertical that half of the versus those who build it labor in vain. That's the horizontal.

Who hasn't experienced that right. Think back and our marriage in a 46 years we perhaps didn't have a romantic night like you attempted Dave with the 10 roses, but there have been nights where we have missed each other and the only thing it rescued was repentance on the vertical on submitting to God and to Jesus Christ.

A fresh yeah and the verse that popped into my mind as I was listening to you is one that I learned as a brand-new Christian and that's Romans 12 12 and the whole concept of do not be conformed to this world but be transformed been transformed as repentance we can't become transformed unless we repent and that's what we tend to do in our marriages as we become conformed to the world are trying to do in our own power in our own strength and apply what we think is going to work, but when we repentance of net and he transforms us and then we can experience exactly what you're talking that I did end with this. I've my hope is that there's people listen right now and they would would they wouldn't do this or we can listen the family of today and we can get books and resources that will save our marriage.

Those are awesome and they're very important.

I'm hoping they go. The only hope we have is Jesus and I'm not get I see people all around the world get on your knees right now, turn off the radio get on her knees and repent. Even if you're doing it by yourself right. Even if you have a spouse it's not there yet you can still get on your knees gave your life to Jesus and re-surrender your marriage or home, your kids, and he hears that he's fighting for. We been listing to a conversation Dennis and Barbara Rainey and I had with David and Wilson more than a year ago right after the release of the book vertical marriage. I'm just thinking the re-surrender of a marriage re-surrender of a life.

This is the regular rhythm of the Christian one is not regular.

Re-surrendering.

It doesn't have to be a big moment. It's a day-to-day process of resubmitting yourself to the Lordship of Christ. That's become a habit of mine every morning when I turn off my alarm I lay in bed for just a few minutes and say father I give you my life again today. I'm yours. Let me be your eyes your ears your hands your mouth and I can't do it. Apart from you and some of the most as you just heard significant moments in our marriage have been surrender moments together but yet every day is a surrender. And often it's by myself and by herself and other times were together, but that moment of sin.

Jesus, I want you to be in control, not me is life-changing. You guys are doing something pretty fun this week on a lot of our listeners are maybe normally part of a small group with their church or group of friends to get together and a lot of that has been put on hold over the last several months you're going to be leading a small group for three weeks starting this week Thursday night.

8 o'clock central time will be going through the first three sessions of the vertical marriage video series so listeners can go family like today.com and join the Facebook group that were setting up that will give you access to session 1. You can watch session 1. Whenever you'd like.

And then on Thursday night at 8 o'clock central time, you can gather together with people from all over the country for a small group discussion around session 1 of vertical marriage that Dave and I am looking to be hosting. So again, go to family like today.com for all the information and join the Facebook group for the vertical marriage, small groups, your use again. Our website is family life to a.com.

There's also information available there about the vertical marriage book that they plan have written and about the video series. If you want to use us with your small group later in the summer or next fall.

Again, go to family like to.com all the information is available there, and then plan to join us Thursday night. 8 o'clock central time to be part of the vertical marriage small group. This is really cool. I'm glad you guys are doing this now we need to say thank you to a group of our listeners who are really the unsung heroes of today's program to match those of you who made this program possible. The reason you were able to hear family life to is because you had friends and neighbors who said this program matters in our community and were to sponsor it.

They made donations so that family life to the can continue to be heard here in this community and in cities all around the world. So if your regular list or you have your fellow listers to thank for today's program. Those who have donated in the past and if you're a regular listener and you've never donated. We want to challenge you to forward make it possible for you and others to hear upcoming programs, family life today is listers supported that's how this works and so we want to encourage and challenge you to be part of the family life team make family life to a possible in your community by going to family like to.com and making a donation or you can call one 800 FL today and donate by phone. We are grateful for those of you who have donated in the past, especially those of your monthly legacy partners. Thank you for your ongoing support of this ministry. Help us take this program to more people more often by donating today again donate online@familylifeto.com or call one 800 FL today and be sure to join us again tomorrow to talk about how we develop a strategy or plan so that when conflict occurs in our marriage.

We know how to resolve to him for that thinker engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Dan Wilson and Bob Payne see you back tomorrow for another family life, family life to the is the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas Acree ministry help for today hope for tomorrow