What Do I Do If My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me?

There was a.

Early in their marriage when and Wilson wondered if her husband Dave was someone who could be trusted.

So what I think I did in my heart was I kind of set down my heart because when you put your heart out there. I'm kind of in my heart as I trust you and trusting your word and saying you're going to commit to this market and be together so I kind of put a little heart. My heart got hard and I no longer trusted him to care for it because I felt like he wasn't putting the time or energy into caring for it. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine Fonda someone of family life today.com rebuilding trust in a marriage relationship.

Once it's been challenged or threatened to take some work takes some time to talk about how we do that stay with and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us here in the United States. It's a Memorial Day. Kind of an interesting Memorial day because you don't pass Memorial days you might've had people over for a cookout or you might have been on some kind of a road trip and folks are trying to decide is okay to do now. Some are, some aren't. I've always loved when there's been kind of a three-day weekend and there's been travel trip is one of the things we do is I will download some podcasts or some sermons to listen to and as we travel we listen to those things and talk about those things. It's something I look forward to in Maryann's and listen to the same things here listening together listing together and and maybe debriefing on what we've heard, depending on where she stayed awake as they're so productive and travels well II love travel time to I love car trip yeah and and I love being able to listen to things if I'm just listening like and doing nothing else that feels unproductive to me but if I can be driving and listening at the same time always happens when we drive are you laughing, you know that she loves to read me stuff is a story like it read my Bible out loud now so in the good husband I am a Mike I would love your five to me well with her five hours we thought today. Since there are people traveling in the tuned in their listing to us.

Thank you for tuning in listening to family life today as you travel or as you go about what you're doing here on the Memorial Day holiday.

We started this past year.

The family life podcast network and one of the podcasts that we featured that a lot of people start listening to is the podcast called married with benefits that features Shorty felt on best-selling author and speaker, and Brian Gollancz who works your family life and it's all about the questions that every husband is asking things he wants to know about his wife and they had you as a guess they did and I love them. I really love Santino got to know her and she's pretty amazing, and it was fun to be with one of the questions that they tackled him this season is the question of why doesn't my wife trust me why you see suspicious and I don't know why they brought you on the high trust is an issue a lot of relationships and and Brian just introduce the subject as the podcast began.

So let's hear clip this is from one of the episodes in the current season of married with benefits. What happens when my wife says she doesn't trust me and she's growing distant or cold. What I do. I think the question is in it. Well to me.

The starting point and I'd love to hear and address. This design is as part of your story in vertical marriage in your back, but when I hear that kind of question she doesn't says she doesn't trust me anymore and she's becoming distant. What I do like wake up fast because that's a really big signal of something that is something you need to take very seriously as a husband because one of the biggest trends that we see in the research across all the different studies and frankly across more informal settings like we do events is pretty often will have husband come up to us and say my wife to suddenly shut down and she says she wants a divorce and I didn't even know we had such a big problem distant register that there was something such a big deal that was going on and sometimes there is been a reason for the lack of trust you know he had a pornography probably just didn't realize how big of a deal it was to his wife where he had become a workaholic and she was like I need you I need you and he just not you, it's fine and we gotta make sure we can provide for the family and then she's done and I'm curious because I know that's part of Anne's story as well yes and it was there a time where it felt like midday was just clueless that I know are we might be throwing David to the bus.

I will say we talked to him yesterday like tell all the stories are in the books that were not hearing anything in your noggin assuring anything that is not Artie been vetted by day, which is very important for couples when they share stories always get permission from butts and it was her time where it felt like when he was just clueless as to where trusted been broken and how to develop in your in your story. Yeah, you guys really are describing our marriage, our lives and society. I would agree with you. I think that guys when their wife is crying out or complaining or saying we need to fix this.

They need to perk up their ears because it's serious. It was really and I I'm sure that some listeners have heard the story that was our 10 year anniversary. I thought we were doing terrible. Dave was gone all the time he was traveling with the Detroit Lions because he was their chaplain. We had two little boys at four and a two year old. We always been doing ministry together and suddenly he's just gone all the time and we are also starting a new church and so he's at meetings. He's kind of helping start this whole thing, which was a dream come true for both of us.

But I also felt like you're leaving us in the dust. Our boys don't know you anymore.

I feel like I was saying those things to you to again. We need you now this is so important and he was gone all the time. I started out so angry and I would yell I found that after a while I start stopped yelling and I started becoming really bitter and then my bitterness turned to resentment and then my resentment turned to numbness and I do anything here we are at the point I didn't care and I told Dave that at one point, I have nothing. I feel like I've checked out of our relationship. I don't even care that you're gone and here's the thing you guys.

He thought we were doing great exactly what you said Sunday he thought we were like at a 10.5. Are you kidding me. Another example of that is this is actually happened to a friend of mine. They went through some financial hardship and had to shut down the business how to they lost their home and had to move back in with his mother and from from well. Neither of them really wanted to but it was kind of okay this is the way it's gotta be for bed back on our feet and the problem was is that he didn't realize I totally believe he didn't kind of get this, he didn't realize that from that moment on he kinda started prioritizing his mother rather than his wife and literally I was asking her if you know she was getting her gift of some kind and she's I am a many place to put this casino were in the guestroom in his mom's house; maybe she can just store it in the storage room.

She's like well I don't really have any status to ask that and I thought oh dear, you know that that's a signal that he's all of these ways he's prioritizing his mom over his wife and not standing up for his wife. Now that's an extreme example your living with your in-laws.

However, think through. There may be things like that where you as husband don't realize maybe you are sort of not standing up your wife with a difficult situation with your parents were, you know, not protecting her in that way could also be broken trust yes almost wanted to give you guys something to go. Hey, here are the five or six things that that are broken trust issues that we may not be thinking about I come here you say prioritizing mom over over the wife and I'm hearing you say I just don't feel like you're cherishing my heart and your terracing you're valuing something more than my heart. What are some other things that again we we know about porn about affairs will get to that later. But what are some other ways we go. This is a signal broken trust in that in that arena of my relationship the government.

Everything about the thing that occurred to me immediately when he said that Brian is to some degree how you handle the kids. Women and men tend to have sometimes very different ways of handling the kids and sometimes a wife can feel your way of handling the kids is too harsh and that doesn't mean that you like change everything you are is a you know dads and moms handle things differently, but if she's consistently worried about that. In her mind.

If you're hurting her children.

You're hurting her and breaking some trust there.

Excerpt from the married with benefits podcast Brian going.

Shorty felt on and their special guest Tim Wilson talking about the issue of trust in marriage.

You know we we don't necessarily recognize how critical it is to maintain trust in the marriage relationship. When trust is broken. It's like there's a big crack in the foundation of your marriage and that's hard to rebuild. Think it's one of the most important building blocks. You obviously referred that today, but you're right, Bob.

If it's been broken and it can be broken in a second and then takes days, months, years to rebuild trust in its essential to do it think we have to be really intentional, of working on not to build the trust back and it's not easy work or listing here to just excerpts from the complete episode of married with benefits. This subject of why doesn't my wife trust me love the whole season is about questions that every husband is asking and I just want your website family like today.com if you want to listen to the entire episode or if you'd like to subscribe to the podcast list of all the episodes you can find information about this and other podcasts available for muscular family life go to family life today.com and the information is available there. One of the areas that you got into is you are having this conversation was how do you diagnose in your marriage whether there's a trust issue going on and Brian up at one point was talking about the fact that husbands have a sense about this.

You and I was thing about this and and and you started feeling cold.

You mentioned the word bitter and that you just start getting resentful you started pulling away and I would imagine of him day because at 7 July. Lots is that I have this unbelievable superpower where Jen can walk in a room and I can take her temperature from across like this to me, her woman's heart she comes then I can go. Okay, she's cold and I need to find a warmer or warmer room perfectly with the TV and something that I can see how this problem exacerbates because when a woman gets colder towards a man.

It's not like that signal to a guy hey let's move closer yeah yeah so what is it that a got you know I I'm hearing trying to say first of all, wake up to what else did Dave do to really help move towards that restoring okay. I trust is been broken.

That's been communicated. I've woken up now. What I do were like just add that I really had a piece in this as well because I I think that we can do is winning is we can put all of our hope, justice, and then kind of go out to their career and be a provider but I started doing as I took my eyes off of Jesus is my provider and my provision in security and I put them on days like I had a magnifying glass on and I started pointing out and seeing all the ways he wasn't making my heart feel secure. So what Dave ended up doing which ways. First of all, he said he repented.

He said I'm not right with God, and you get right with God. I need to apologize to you, which even an apology saying I'm hearing you right now I'm really sorry that I haven't been listening. That right there was like whoa because before we would just go into combat mode where they would be defense if I would be $0.80 defensive.

So for him first about to apologize what ended up happening. We got for lunch and I was so amazed by this because we would sit down for lunch or dinner once a week or once every couple weeks and here's what he would say. So tell me how you think were doing and how am I doing as a husband, I thought. Are you kidding me that is the most vulnerable thing he could say, and as he's Doing that because he's like I'm going to be so bad she can give me a one again.

You know what I can. How are we doing what happened was I saw that, while just having that conversation.

It was so simple just to ask, but that conversation made me feel more secure. Like oh he's heat means that this is really important to him that he's going to the point of having conflict that could happen and he would ask me that question and that really began to restore my trust in Dave what was the thing for him that he was able to go okay. I woke up.

I apologize good walk through that quickly with us about how he did that with you.

What can and that was something that took a while to to because Dave had been an enemy add this was way back at the beginning of our marriage.

We he's really found victories doing great but in the beginning of our marriage. She kinda came in with this in his background and down he went through a spell where he was really kind of just hiding it from me.

I could tell something was off and I kept asking and asking and he said no, no, no, so that it finally came out, which I felt like you know we've been lying all this time, which is really hard but what ended up happening. He would go through times of victory times of failure and this went on for a couple years but I realize I was doing a terrible job of responding which made him feel total shame, but what Dave ended up doing was he brought other men into his life and said you guys need to help me. I'm hurting and I want to be open with her and so I think when I saw him really attacking this when I realize this is an overnight fix there a lot of deeper issues that he's kind of getting into that need to solve which I had my own issues and created such insecurity, but as I watched him pursue other men to get help pursue what was at the core of this and he was committed to sharing this part of his life with me and was open to keeping the every device everything that he hadn't back then we didn't even have it on any of our devices but still that really helped. I was amazed at Dave in there in my response because I was so horrible that he continue to work on it really said a lot about his relationship with God. While that's a big big deal to you guys. This should not be depended upon the wife's response because some of some of us as women are not can understand and are not going to respond in a compassionate way right and it also serves as again another wake-up call to go if she's not responding well, it's probably because the trust was pretty significant and was been broken and so it don't minimize and don't minimize it.

Keep moving on this path. I think of the whole idea of just waking up to the realization that this is a big deal.

Repenting consistently with God and apologize and your spouse then continue to check on how my doing my rebuilding trust and I would say this to and then it was the most courageous thing I've seen Dave to because of my response and I did get better because I thought I realize I owe four partners and his partner to get better but to watch him. I talked about respect like I saw him battle this and want to win.

And I know that's kind of an up and down thing man man I would say find some help because this is an area where I feel like Satan wants to destroy not only our men that our kids wife's kind of running rampant everywhere and I think we really need to go to battle with the listing to a portion of a podcast produced by the family life of just network. Brian Johnson shot he felt talking about questions that every husband is asking with their guest and Wilson. Why doesn't my wife trust me you guys got into talking about workaholism talking about how the kids are handled and whether wife feels like she can trust her husband to take care of the kids when she's gone.

You talked about boundaries with other women. There's a lot more on this podcast.

You can go to our website.

Family life today.com and listen to the entire episode and you get into this and in the conversation, but is there a way to rebuild trust in the marriage relationship when the trust has been broken absolutely. I mean I've because I've seen Dave rebuild trust.

And I totally trust him with everything because he worked at it. He rebuild trust and part of it's not just a part of it is me trusting God with Dave, and I was a big piece of it as well that I think you know, having walked through that and I think every wife and every husband will walk through a daily is there can be no secrets. It has to be an open book. I mean I'm not sure my myself with a lot of people, but with my wife and with a couple guys my life I have to that's integrity that's being trustworthy, and every man struggles every woman struggles who knows about the struggles of its only you, you're going down and you have to as a life not freak out when he shares this is something I'm struggling with, and I did freak out.

I really did, and I wish that I wouldn't have but I also had to grow. I didn't understand it. I didn't know that it wasn't about me and so my understanding is more an understanding that this just can be a battle for men and women that help me to realize I want Dave's teammate in this.

I want to be his partner and I want to know everything that he's battling it so that I can beat his partner in that I think the trust is continue to be billed with consistency.

That's true in his watched me set boundaries with women in. You know I want to say yes to the boundary 20 years ago, you can trust me, it's like now every day to see it continually be built up our use of an algebra equation for how your rebuild trust its CB over tea and its consistent behavior over time.

When a wife or husband can see their spouse consistently living in a new way. Over a period of time. That's how trust is rebuilding and sometimes a guile say to me will how long is that time I go will it it's probably longer than you think it should be, but there's probably relationship with how long were you by living trust or how deep did the wound go it's gonna take a while. If there's been a deep wound of a violation of trust. If there's been adultery in a relationship. Don't expect that the two weeks of consistent behavior in your wife's going okay. I can trust them. Yeah, I've heard you guys are said to me you know that if had an affair committed adultery. You know, I repented she knows about it. She should trust me and my give her your phone. Give your calendar. It could be years really leased months for her to go okay I see you really are. Change me think about an interview we did years ago with Chris and Cindy Beale where there was a massive violation of trust in the marriage and it did take years and it took commitment and perseverance for the trust to be rebuilt. Cindy wrote a book called rebuilding a marriage better than new.

And it's a book that we got in our family life today resource Center where she talks about the process they went through in rebuilding trust. In fact, there's a link on a website of family life today.com to the interviews we did with Chris and Cindy where you can hear their story and here about the process they went through in rebuilding trust family life today.com for more information about Cindy Beale's book rebuilding a marriage better than new. And for the a link to the podcasts with the Beatles about rebuilding trust in their marriage again. Our website is family life today.com and we hope you will go on and check this out and begin the process of trust has been violated in your marriage begin the process of trying to bring healing it can happen.

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