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June 29, 2020 2:00 am
Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended, talks with Dave and Ann Wilson about the new content in his Smart Stepfamilies video series. Deal explains how couples often get blindsided when trying to blend two families and gives some practical advice for interacting with stepchildren. He reminds listeners to address any family issues right away, because those same issues often become marital issues.
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All families face challenges, blended families face some unique challenges and author and speaker Ron deal says some of those challenges come not from inside the family from outside the people within the four walls of your house can be the most loving, godly people in the world, but in a blended family situation.
This is why we see the tall in their wider multigenerational lived there tall and their wide in this incident is often another home, if not more than one home. It's impacting your home and so what happens is somebody outside your house influences the relationships inside your house. So the biological mom's hopes and expectations intersect with the stepmom's hopes and expectations and it just create some challenge. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine find us online@familylifetoday.com life in a London family is often complicated if you're in a blended family you can appreciate that. If you're not need to be aware that your friends who are facing some interesting challenges talk more about those today is and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us. I was so excited last Sunday when I got to church, you got out about NFL football. That's what makes a long time since the NFL football was okay. That's what Sundays are church defendant. But not in the middle summer never ends then you never and I showed up at church and I had a copy of Ron deal and Gary Chapman's new book building love together in the blended family and I had it with me because there's a couple in our church were in a blended family and we've talked before and I know some of the challenges are going through and I thought they need a copy of this book so I got a copy and when I saw Andy at church I went over and I said hey I was think about you got this book handed it to him.
He lit up because he's looking for all the help he can get in the middle of the complexities all of this and I was just thrilled that I'm always thrilled to have a tool and to know Ron deal, who is as got a tool chest full of tools, then you can you can give the folks in these situations and just I was thinking about you was praying for you thought this book might help you out. Ron is joining us on family life to a welcome. Thank you Ryan gives leadership. Family life to family life blended you been doing this for almost a decade now right yeah well eight years 8/2 years something like that and there and where one letter in the word clear of anything that know one thing you are an asset and help to families all around the world thing but then we have done the same thing because there's so many friends that we know they're struggling and married so many blended struggling and so we say the name have you heard of Ron deal right because his resources are so so good when you talk this week about issues that blended families are facing and part of the reason were talking about.
This is because couple years back you updated your book. The smart stepfamily and brought a whole bunch of new content in you had a video series the DVD series. The smart stepfamily that you also updated and it's pretty much all new yeah that blended families changed that much or if you just learned a lot more since you started or what is not that a lot has changed is that I just was able to address so many more subtopics within the overall journey that blended families face. I got a tear went back and started the rewrite of the book that was originally 55,000 words, and we more than doubled it and Bethany told me you know what we need to take some of this out.
Bethany is your publisher Bethany House is my publisher. I had to take out 30,000 words. It was 145,000 words. When I turned in the manuscript and we took out 30,000 put them online as bonus content there free to whoever wants to read them in the finished product it up to be 105,000 words. That's more than double. Most books yes and it's because we started to address all the ins and outs and the nuances and when you have part-time children and what if you're a grandparent and now a step grandparent and how do you manage your marriage within what if you thought about adopting your step children is that a good ideas and I like we really delve into all those intricacies and by the time I got finished. They told me had to cut some out for the thing I love about the DVD series is it tees up for couples.
Conversations that happen after they watch the videos that are personal and transformative.
I know I'll talk to you about this if we could somehow ignite people to start these groups go through this DVD series or just get people and the copies your book to people in their church know this.
Your burden is that blended families would see a pathway to wholeness and the restoration and to make in the blended family.
All God intends for it to be.
That's absolutely the case in all of us sitting at this table believe in ministry were passionate about it, were all invested in various forms or another because we believe the power of God, live in community, put God's people together, get them talking about stuff that is rooted in his word and is practical and has wisdom for life and change happens. I mean I just seen this over and over again.
The thing about the DVD series that I love so much and by the way, my publisher would probably hate what I'm about to say and that's that the content is good.
The power is in sharing the content with others.
All of a sudden there learning from each other and encouraging one another. Praying for each other.
Somebody goes you know what this is what worked for us in a couple's and across the room goes, that's that that's what we been waiting on. That's the power of group and this smart stepfamily video series participants guide it's groups of couples together yeah you can do it all by yourself.
Yeah you can do a pre-marital counseling and send it home his homework. If your pastor, but the real power the real thing that we want people to do is just get a few couples together in a room and let them have that silly crying you're saying that change happens more in a group setting. Even I believe that you know I can't sit here and document I just have seen it for so long.
I got my start doing stepfamily ministry leading a small group in the church that I was a family minister and all of a sudden people are coming alive lights are going on either opening up your putting work people are going wait wait wait. That is what I feel. That is, you mean we can do something about this. It's not hopeless and hope translates into action translates into change and encouragement. I am a firm believer in the power of small groups.
Yeah me too, and it's biblical.
I mean there's no question about it simply yourself together regularly when I talk to people in our church. When I talked people we can remember when I talk to people anywhere where they've said in a setting where they've gotten spiritual input and again take a church service take marriage conference. Here's the here's a question you ask him. Six months later. How is your marriage doing, how is your life doing and often you hear when it was an unbelievable weekend but it didn't stick in the next question I always ask hey give get a group there, we talked about small groups afterward and you plug into an art of marriage are apparent in vertical marriage smart stepfamily group did you get it now and the couples that see real life change.
Their answer is always Yep got a group that said I had no idea what would happen but man I'm in a group and sit in the living room, I hear another couple share story and psych the same thing our family.
There's something that's catalytic when I hear some real struggles like we do in the say what's Jesus say about this. It's the life changing difference. And guys, I gotta tell you one other element to this new video series that I'm really excited about for 10 years. We had a series and the number one feedback response I got from groups was this is amazing this is wonderful. It's all designed for the parents to have anything for kids and I thought about it and thought about and dreamed about it and read about and when we had a chance to do the 10th anniversary edition of this series I threw in a session for kids, it's a bonus session. It's short, it's sweet, it's bite-size for kids what they need to digest and we let's kids that is young adults were now looking back on their journey in their blended family talk about their journey and give these children perspective I had one group write to me and say we just whether the video series would been through the old one. We absolutely love the new one. All the parents in our group bought the series on their own so that they can show their kids the bonus session. It's that important to parents well and anybody who has seen the first one and looks at the second one. One of the things that's changed is the first one was you teaching in front of a large audience right. But in this series, your still teaching but now we get to hear from couples in blended families and Becky you start the series by explaining to those who are watching. We hear couple saying this this blended family thing is a whole lot trickier. Then we realized when we were standing together. Sam I do. In fact, let's listen to do some of these couples was a talk in the video series. The complexity of a blended family looks pretty pretty obscure to me sometimes it's pretty complex. We deal with having to communicate without her two daughters in North Carolina.
We FaceTime them every Monday night. We also have to travel to go get them in the summers driving your train thousand 2000 miles to pick them up and come back to only having two sisters when they came when they came into the picture.
People because it wasn't same for them and telling Lilo and when we came in my who are you, so they the kind of pick at each other.
Sometimes you're not my real sister or you just my friend or you're not my sister and they trotted those hurtful words because in their mind.
It's hard for them to realize that they are brother and sister that they are one family now and not two separate I'm imagining the small group watching that couple share their experience and I'm just you and all the heads of the room not being in being ongoing that's what's happening in our house yet. See that's the thing we want blended family couples to be seen. And when they're watching this they're going yet that that's my life and typical marriage and family ministry material in books and resources really don't address those complexities and so the first thing that happens is people to feel affirmed, like they're not crazy. Wow. You know, we have that between home thing to wow we have to travel you know I don't get to see my daughter very often when I do it shorten you know and then you want everything to go right and sometimes it doesn't go right because like with this couple, the stepsiblings aren't always open to one another to the same degree and and so how do I make the weak and great when they don't get along. That's the real stuff that people are dealing with a in India talked about how couples get blindsided because they come into a blended marriage with expectations that they gotta have some sense of reality. Yes, we know it's gonna be hard but then they get in and go oh this is I never knew was can be this hard. Let's remind ourselves all of us walk into anything. A little bit starry eyed. Whether it's a marriage or whether it's having your first child or no matter what it is, a new job that you know we always have a lot of hope and a lot of high expectation in it, and then life teaches us what we really gotta have to deal with the same thing is true for blended families, but sometimes are still blindsided well. I've had my first child. I know what parenting is well but this is your first step child and it turns out that relationship just is different. It evolves in a different level. You don't immediately have authority in relationship and you gotta grow that over time and in the meantime, you gotta get the kitchen cleaned up so how do we do the logistics of life and build relationship of sink so yes I have a sense of what life could be like.
But the realities of it just aren't real until it's real alumni thought Ron listening to that couple was when we get married. It's hard. We had difficult adjustments, but with that a blended family. I know that it's a mom and I think as a dad to your feeling the weight of what your kids are already dealing with and experiencing and have experienced the pain that they've gone through no matter what the circumstances. Now you're in this new family. This new marriage I would be so focused on my kids that it would be easy to have my marriage take a backseat is not pretty, it is common and you nailed something when two people get married for the first time you have two sets of expectations when a blended family comes together. You have 547 or including grandparents 18 and all of a sudden you have lots of expectation and then how do we bring all those things together and the mom factor. The parent factor. I see my children's expectations and hopes and desires not being met in the story we just heard one child is excited to have siblings new siblings stepsiblings but the other set a stepsiblings on the other side is going when we have sisters. We don't like what you doing here and so this child is disappointed and of course mom sees that in her hearts like and what is she going to do what she's going to fight for her child protect her and then she's going to go to her husband and she's going go hate can get your kids to be nice to my kid and now all of a sudden the conflict is between the husband and the wife and we said this before in this program. What is a parenting issue in blended families is immediately a marriage issue in blended families, and so yeah that puts strain on the couples relationship. Is it possible for couples to enter a blended family relationship with eyes fully wide open or are they always good to get blindsided by something I think were always blindsided by something in life always. I do think people who get educated on the front end who read who watch the series can learn a lot and have their eyes open. That doesn't mean your children are as open as you are, doesn't mean all the expectations for everybody are just magically coming together so there still challenges in making it happen.
But at least you have a running start to know what to do about the challenges that you face. There are other couples in this respect. There is one coupler one set of couples I forget which. Who talk about expectations they had coming into marriage and kind of like oh yeah with those can be this way and then oh well it wasn't exactly that way. Listen to these couples talk so at the time that Lisa and I decided to get married and so great about things like we were in a good place long.
You have a great new life together. My boys were happy at the time they were happy to go into the marriage.
I expected some things I had seen growing up in adulthood that I wife Lisa would get along with my ex-wife, they would be able to have conversations about the first car and started telling her she stopped to talk about my feelings.
My first example of how to be sailing is because I felt like we had built a good relationship in our earlier they are having a great time based on their number. I'm not supposed to think they still allegiance to the other. How special you are six years old. I understand it is fighting all the time to get anymore it was siding hard just trying to balance time and muscles and respectful born and respectful of the other strength too much time with one times that we greatly she's in all. On the flipside of the boys for they wouldn't say a word.
So morning and there and when we say something to them they way they talk coming from their other great patient that Clifton was together as a movie came out years ago called trouble with the curve was a baseball movie.
Great movie but I remember right it was case would never that's what were talking about here. There are curveballs you that are to get thrown in marriage in your expected a fastball or maybe maybe a changeup you get the curb and all of a sudden it's like oh I don't how to hit this when you swing and you miss and you go. This is not going away champion actually in a blended family.
Maybe I'm wrong Ron you're the expert.
It's almost like there's not just one ball, and you don't have to live this life is like is there seven or eight you know and every person in the blended family is dealing with all of this assignment, it's juggling multiple times. Yet an insidious part of this one is the stepmom gets thrown a curve because she's trying to develop a relationship with her stepson, but the biological mother and the other home is doing or saying things that is making it tough for the stepson ever happened to arise and you know I think this is one of the biggest things that I want to try to help people prepare for the people within the four walls of your house can be the most loving, godly people in the world, but in a blended family situation. This is why we say there tall in their wider multigenerational to their tall and there wide in the sense of there's often another home, if not more than one home that's impacting your home and so what happens with somebody outside your house influences the relationships inside your house. So the biological mom's hopes and expectations intersect with the stepmom's hopes and expectations and just create some challenge you heard this young man. I mean that in your heart go out to him. I want to sit down and cry after listening to that because I'm hearing the angst of how the stepson is so torn and he doesn't know which way to go yet. I'm hearing the angst of the stepmom thinking how I thought this was a committee crate. I thought they liked mean it seem like it and I'm also feeling it for the mother and the bio mom because she's feeling insecure with my two boys love her more than they love me. I remember when I would go down and visit my dad in his stepmother and her son and I didn't spend my life with them as much as I did with my bio mom. I went mostly with my mom but I remember coming home after a week or for five days with my dad and stepmom. I felt like I could not share with my mom how great my stepmom was to me and I just kept it was a secret you know it is sort of hung out and yet am I clear on about. We did, I could share because I was that son I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings and even after we got married. I thought stepmom is in me, and yet days mom, his bio mom was always trying to get cute like she probably really wasn't that great right and so you torn right there, even as an adult and this young man was saying when he was five or eight units trying to figure out how to love everybody and not hurt feelings is the natural buying the kids feeling by the way, I should should quickly add. Not every child in every blended family experiences this but it is pretty common. This is one of the things I talk about in the bonus session to kids so we put words on it so we help them understand what that what what you just said there Dave that split part of you.
I really enjoyed but I can't share that with my mom like what you do with that feeling and is it okay to actually like and appreciate her value your stepparent. Can you imagine think of this. If I want to had a place to go in here other sons or daughters say similar things, which is what a blended family step family. Small group offers.
I would had somewhere to process that at least a B like I'm not the only one I had not a single person I really thought Noel feels this I would been sit in a room going only goodness you now, let's talk. That's what you offer to the DVD series. It opens the door to conversation and moves the heart of parents to their kids, and that is one of the biggest steps that needs to happen if kids feel safe and comfortable talking through these challenges with a parent, it ripples into all sorts of positivity within the family. Like all of a sudden I'm free to enjoy my stepparent. All of a sudden I'm not living in fear and hiding what's going on inside me. I'm able to be a kid again, instead having to be an adult taking care of the adults.
It really changes the dynamic for children and for the adults so a series like this you're talking to churches that are doing this is a part of the regular curriculum, but even more than that, it's just one courageous step family. Sam, let's get three or four of her friends together and get the living room.
Let's go through this together more often than not that's what's happening, you know the people that are motivated are the stepfamilies themselves, and it's absolutely the way to go. We've also found great success with pastors who will assign this as sort of premarital counseling with couples that they're working with, and I'm sure there are some folks would go yet. We need to get our stepfamily in a little better order before you try to host a small group series no start now you get the beautiful thing about God's people come together as were all sinners were all messed up where it were misfits and we belong together and we should grow together. I think we call that on Sunday church. You can go to our website. Family life today.com there's information about the video series about the book the smart stepfamily and we should mention the event that you're planning for the fall, which is the summit on stepfamily ministry we been doing this for many years and people from all over the country have common spent a couple of days. Kind of encamped together networking with other people to figure out how to be more effective in ministering to stepfamilies in local churches or in communities. These have been great events, but every time we've done them. People have said we wish there was a way for those of us who can't make the trip and spend a couple of days in another city. We wish there's a way we could get access to this content and still be able to network with other people who are engaged in stepfamily ministry and this year we're doing that sold the summit on stepfamily ministry this year is gonna be a two day live streaming event October 1 and second work those days on your calendar. There's information about the main sessions and the breakouts available on our website@familylifeto.com go there and click the link for all the details about the upcoming summit on stepfamily ministry that's happening October 1 and second again. It's a lifestream event so you and others from your church staff or from your community can plan to be a part of the event this year and the only hotel reservation you need to make is in your bedroom because you can stay at home for the event this year. Again, go to family life to.com for information about the event or about the DVD series. The smart stepfamily and runs book by that same title. All of these are helpful resources and run. We are grateful for your ongoing investment in the lives of blended families all around the world that tomorrow working to continue our conversation with Ron Diehl about some of the complexities facing blended families in order to talk about challenges between stepparents and stepchildren and how you navigate your way through those complexities and those challenges will be back tomorrow. Hope you can be back as well. Think her engineer today links along with our entire action on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson and Bob looking see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.
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