Everything Minus Love Equals Nothing

First Corinthians chapter 13 is a pretty famous chapter in the Bible. It's all about love and most of us have heard it but they will some wonders how many of us have really paid attention to what the chapter says we talk about the love chapter as a pastor have done many weddings and bladder. No percentage but maybe half of them. Somebody can read first rinsing 13 and yet often we have really no idea what it means and why Paul wrote it. What was going on because I don't think he wrote to a married couple at a wedding. This is family life to our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoa.com the way love is described in first Corinthians 13 is that the way people would describe the love in your marriage will explore that idea today stay with us and welcome to family like today. Thanks for joining us to talk about love your talk about love. I'm ready to talk about you and exciting a day like today because we get to interview Mr. Bob Lapine about his new book, so I've been at work for the last several months on a book several months, even working on this your whole life we know it physicals in this book are are the core of who you are, you know you talk about marriage and family for 2 1/2 decades and and yeah.does can get built bone deep into you.

So I I took first Corinthians 13 the chapter that we almost the love chapter, and I thought we think of this in in kinda generic terms. But what if we applied it specifically to marriage. What is it mean that in marriage, our love for one another is patient and kind and all the qualities listed there and so this week there's a book coming out called love like you mean it, which where did you get this never never color is the so our listers know that we have an annual event. The love I commit a marriage cruise which by the way, were still planning to sale in February we think everything's gonna be okay to do that but that's the love like you mean a marriage cruise when I was thing about first Corinthians 13.

I thought his Arab a better title than love like you mean it, because that's what this chapter of the Bible is all about. And so that's what this book is all about, and the book is out this week. You can now order it online. I like say that Bob Heth is it you know you will not about us and exciting and and I hope that God's will use this book in the lives of a lot of folks because I think I think our views on how we think about love, have gotten twisted in the culture and I think we need to get back to thinking biblically about the subject of love, rather than letting the Hallmark Channel or ROM comes tell us what love supposed be like me. You know when I get your manuscript down obviously first thing I did was look at his chapter titles which were great because every guy looks at his chapter title before his eyes can read book I write really when you look at the chapter title see which chapters talking about intimacy right now. I did that, although there know it, then you know there forget reading this paragraph in your introduction which really hit me. It's like this is so true. Bobby wrote, in fact, if were really honest, most of us got married because of how our spouse made us feel when we were together. We like the feeling. So we set our move anywhere ring and share house payment and have kids with you as long as you keep me feeling that way deep down we don't get married so we can love someone else we get married because we fall in love with the feeling of being loved.

Most of us get married to get not to give.

I read that I like that is so true and yet the rest of your book is like okay what's real love look like to talk about that little bit though because I think we don't want to admit that right.

But when we read as I go how I think I did do that. I stopped air coupon because of the same reason when you really sit and reflect on that psyche. I loved how I felt how Dave made me feel. I hope that I made him feel good to really made me stop when you think of all the romance movies when twilight came out this it's about vampires. It's so weird that I have to watch this to see what this pool is but the teenage girls and I realized oh it's because this person loves this girl so much and everyone longs for that they want to be loved like that and that's where I think our thinking about love has gotten twisted because we're thinking that love is about how we feel and what we get. The Bible says love is about how we serve others, and what we give to others is not as much fun. No infected.

It's hard work to love someone well and yet stop and think when were born again when were converted. Jesus says here's what matters most all of the law and the prophets is summed up in love.

God, which doesn't mean just have nice feelings about God. It means live your life in such a way that you express your love for God by how you serve him by your devotion toward him and then love your neighbor as yourself, so we tend to think of love as the benefit we get on the way we feel when somebody loves us and at age 23. When I married Maryam. That's what I was signing up for. Give me more of this I want regularly out this feel so good I want you to make me feel this way all the time and it didn't take long before I realize that's not biblical love. Biblical love is. I'm here to pour my life out for your good, so that you can thrive. And that's what it means to love you for your good to be my goal.

And I think we got to rethink our our view of this, as we come to marriage. How did you come to that realization because every life is thinking I wish my position well I think my wife is over. Over time I came to the realization because I recognize that they self focused approach to love is not ever going get you the what what you really what your soul is really longing for you think what we think were longing for is again that feeling at the core. We want to be fully known and fully accepted by somebody else. And so when we get a little taste of that. Somebody says I I know you and and I think you're amazing. I think you're wonderful. We go, I've been looking for somebody who thinks I'm wonderful and so you fit the bill.

And so I'd like to spend time with you because I'd like somebody who keeps thinking I'm wonderful. What you get married and you spend a few months or a few weeks or a few days then and then you go. This is an exactly what I was looking for the hidden truth in Scripture is that when we start to view love correctly and see it is pouring out our life or somebody else.

There is something that happens in our soul that never happens any other way we think it's gonna happen when we feel right but but when worst really loving another person there something God does to enlarge our soul, our heart and we come away going yes that's what my soul was longing for to be used by God to bless another person to be used by God to help another person thrive. There's a satisfaction and that that trumps just having somebody say all your wonderful.

I think you're so special right.

That's why you worked on pro athletes who have been told their special they're all your life you and so they find somebody who says oh I think you're wonderful that you will, you should because everybody else thinks I'm wonderful. And then they get married but they're still tempted outside of marriage because what they thought would satisfy them doesn't really satisfy them. So they're looking for. Does everybody think I'm wonderful can I find more people who think I'm wonderful what all of us need to realize is that's not what our souls longing for our soul is longing to be used by God to see other people thrive and grow.

And when that happens we go.

Yes, this is what I was made to do and to be, I was made to love other people in marriage I made to love my wife in such a way that she flourishes she thrives she blossoms when that happens there's no more soul satisfying experience. That's what love gives us so speaking to your wife.

Let's go back to the early days even married to Mary and how long which is which is best 41 years. So when you first fell in love. Yes, how did you know what was it like tells about it. Well I started using the word love in my relationship with Marianne, way too early way prematurely because what I was expressing was I like you and I think you're special and I hope you'll stop dating other people and I would like us to do it just to be us, and so by saying I love you to her.

I was saying that's what I'd like the arrangement to be what I didn't realize is that when she heard I love you. She was hearing. I'm committed to you.

I want to marry you. She sought is more sacred, more special word. I wouldn't you say I love you to a woman.

Bob and I didn't know that's what they're going to think. Did you know that I were in high school. I think I did but I'm somewhat younger. I think it was you. Now, I think you're totally right when I said my first. I love you.

It was like this feeling just bubbling forth that it was any substance to it right or any future to read.

Even so, I'm saying it to her.

She's not saying I love you back to me because she sees it as something sacred and in fact she's thinking you're just on the surround to manipulate me. You're just using this word thinking if I say that, then I will have her under my powers I can get her to do things, in whatever so I I use the word much too casually we got married again. I'm thinking this is nice it's I'm think I like the beach boys were thinking wouldn't it be nice if we were older we could say good night and stay together but but that was my view of what love means.

I think after I'd been married for a couple years and I'm certain read the Bible and I'm seeing versus like greater love has no man than this, he lays down his life for his friends or this is how we know what love is Jesus Christ laid down his life for us and I'm going that's a different deal so loving Marianne doesn't just mean that I make her feel special. It means that I sacrifice for her good.

In fact, sometimes she might not feel great, but if I'm doing things where I'm I'm committed to her good. That's what really is important and matters and ultimately it's not even my doing it for her good but am I doing what God wants me to do in her life right it's not just is she happy with the marriage. The question is, is God happy with the marriage even remember a time when you did that when he served Mary Ian where was and about you, but it was about her and you experience. We just talked about like you felt like home.

This is it. So here's what comes my Manasseh question about when she was pregnant with Amy. She had back labor and I didn't know what back labor was right but she would just say my back is killing me. I'm Avenue back labor pains would you just rub my back just massage my lower back and it was long.

She wanted me to do it for like 15 minutes I was I was get my arms were getting tired and I was there was no benefit being derived for me from rubbing her back. This was just to help her feel better, but I could sense her starting to relax a little bit and her muscles were not as tight and she was doing better and I remember pulling away and going. This is what I'm here for is to help you not submit that's a pretty simple tangible way of doing it but I think it's a lot of little things like that. I tell a story in the book and bus camp was a guest on family life to. She told the story when she was here.

She said she walked up the backyard one day and her husband was up on the ladder and was cleaning out the gutters and their house and she walked out and she said what you doing and he looked down he said I'm loving you and and she laughed and then she thought, no, that's exactly what is doing the little things we do for one another are ways we express love to one another and when that's going and when we when we affirm and appreciate and say you are a blessing to me.

I am a better person because of how you love me.

Well I think that's when we experience the joy that comes from loving another person. Well, so how do we get to that point does you know you hear this you think okay when you're dating. When you engage when you first get married go clean the gutters or I'll rub your back for our fifth whatever you want. I'm so in love and infatuated. I have high feelings and then at some point that's gone now and you think I'm out of love or are you just learning love. What's what's the process of getting to true godly wherein talk about and second first Corinthians 13 love. I think the process is Romans 12 to don't be conformed in your thinking about love to what the culture tells you love looks like our friend Michael easily says don't let the culture catechized you let the word of God catechized you. So how do you reshape your thinking about love. You study what the Scriptures say about love. You get into first Corinthians 13 and you see first of all how important love is and then you see the characteristics of love.

I mean, think about those characteristics that are in that passage, there's not much that's love is warm. Love is soft. Love is so wonderful now it's love is long-suffering right and then it's kind of doesn't insist on its own way and it's it's it's rejoices in the truth it doesn't rejoice in wrongdoing. You go through all of the passage, and you see this is hard work, loving another person. Being a lover is not for for the faint of heart.

Just like if you want to be a pro athlete, you have to do the workouts. If you want to be a pro lover which all of us should want to do because Jesus was our model of what great love looks like. If you want to be a great lover. Jesus says that's what you were made to do then you're gonna have to. There's some hard work you have to do to cultivate patience and kindness and humility, selflessness and tenacity in all of the things that go to make up what love looks like. Well it's interesting you know we we talk about the love chapter right as a pastor have done many weddings in bladder. No percentage but maybe half of them. Somebody can read first rinsing 13 and yet often we have really no idea what it means and why Paul wrote it. What was going on. Give us a little background so we can understand because I don't think he wrote to a married couple at a wedding know right now. In fact he writes it in the context of a church that is one of the most carnal churches and if you depict a church that is, that looks worldly in the New Testament, the Corinthian church.

These were young believers who had not yet pulled themselves away from their pagan practices, so they'd come to Jesus, but they'd brought a lot of paganism with them and first Corinthians is written to these people to say no.

As followers of Christ. There are ways of acting and behaving that are not your you're not doing it. So things like, don't take your brothers to court and and you know the sex scandal you've got going on with the mother in the end her son-in-law and know that should not be there all kinds of behavior. Things are being corrected in one of the things it was going on was Corinthian church. They were very puffed up and proud about their spirituality they exalted in their spiritual giftedness and they would put their spiritual gifts on display and it was all kind of look at me, look at how spiritually gifted. I am I'm a preacher look at how good I am. Well, I'm an administrator I'm good at this. While I have the gift of prophecy will I can speak in tongues. They got all this going on and there, it's just all carnal so Paul after he writes in first Corinthians 12 about spiritual gifts and and collects a lot of their bed thinking about that, he says, but I'm I'm to show you a more excellent way until he ends for strengthens. 12 he says let me show you the more excellent way. And then in verses one through three of of chapter 13, he says it doesn't matter how spiritually gifted you are. It doesn't matter how sacrificial you are. It doesn't matter how much you're willing to empty yourself if love is not the foundation for this and by that what we mean is if there is not a fundamental commitment to sacrificing yourself for the good of other people. So were defining love that way.

A fundamental commitment to sacrificing yourself for the good of others. That's the definition working with.

If that's not foundational to how your walking with Christ all of the giftedness is nothing that he doesn't say all of the giftedness is is okay but it doesn't have as much value as if you had love to it. He says it has no value if love is not the foundation you know that the chapter titled there is everything minus love equals nothing. All of the weight and substance is on Amite committed to pouring myself out for the fundamental good of other people and that's what love is.

Now if you're committed to that now your spiritual giftedness can bear fruit. Now you can sacrifice yourself for others in a way where God is glorified and where they benefit but as long as it's about you. There's no value to it at all. And that's a part of how we got reshape our thinking. I love the verse one first Corinthians 13.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. I want to walk on stage sometime with the symbol and just say you know you can do all kinds of amazing things. Even as a church as a community guy, but if it doesn't have love and just start clanging.

That thing is he's making a really strong point right hip Phil Reich and who's the president of Wheaton College says if love is not core to what you're doing when you speak. Here's what people here long bonbon clang, clang, clang, it's empty and he's right.

You've heard people say if people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care if people don't see in you a commitment to their good then all of your wisdom is hollow and empty to them and and this is this is why love's gotta be at the core of all of this for me so you look at this and you take it piece by piece where you say love is patient, love is long-suffering him that is hard. How do we apply that what's that look like in our marriage.

This is where I'm hoping people will get a copy of the book and and by the way, there's a video series that were put together to that is going go along with this, so small groups can go through this, but I'm hoping that people say first of all, yes I I need to think biblically about love and I want to pursue being a loving person. I want for God's glory. And because he made me for this. I want to be a person who loves others who pours out my life in service brothers this means dying to self but to Jesus if anyone would come after me, deny self, pick up your cross and follow me. For your life out for others. So that's that's what we signed on for us Christians.

That's what I want my life to be about, and in marriage. I want Maryann's good to be a higher goal than my own pleasure. My own satisfaction. So I'd I think we first will have to start by saying that's the goal. And if that's the goal then. Now I need to figure out how do I cultivate the things that are talked about here in each of the chapters. Here we go through what is it mean to be long-suffering was mean to be patient I what cultivate patience in my life. What is it means I'm supposed to be kind. Does that mean that I just say okay you're a nice person.

Now I think it's deeper than just being nice nice and kind are two different words. Was it mean that I don't insist on my own way, what is it mean that I'm not rude or irritable. All of these things that the Bible makes clear, this is what real love looks like I gotta tell you in writing this book I get to the end and go.

I can't do this. I mean it's overwhelming to think that I can consistently be this kind of a person, but that's where grace comes in.

That's where Jesus says I know but I can be that kind of person in you and through you and you keep surrendering to me and will keep growing on this together and you'll be more loving next year and you are this year. If you just pursue this and make this make this your goal yet. I know when I've taught this when I've read this I had the exact same sentiment. It was like this is impossible. This is so much like God. A human being can achieve it without God there is no way.

And so to try and understand we had talked some more and and you've heard people say read the love chapter read verses four through seven, and take the word love out and put the word I in there instead.

So just out if you want to know how my doing as a lover just read this I am patient. I am kind, I don't insist on my own way and you get about three versus all you go convicted shirt you're done you go. I'm not of this stuff right if you think you are your spousal that you went home thinking is we so often think when our spouse isn't doing has been instant. Patient has been, is, in kind, and I think we get into that in years and like he's not doing anything for me but I think when we apply desk when I got done reading this book I thought if we applied Scripture by saying this, but we would all have great marriages. It would revolutionize the revolutionary things and I love that you have these little segments pocketed throughout the book of talk together. You have great questions that can help us move toward blindness to get ahead. Here's a great thing.

I get to say if you want copies as you can go to for in life, actually they could go to family like today.com so you keep your day job.

I'll take it from here. Go to family life to.com if you'd like to get a copy of the book love like you mean it.

The book releases tomorrow, but you can preorder today. Again, go to family life to.com order online or call us to order at one 800 FL today, 1-800-358-6329 that's one 800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today in the course our prayer. My prayer is that this is a book that will help you love one another better.

No matter where you are in your marriage.

I think all of us can do a better job at loving one another and I hope this will help a lot of couples hope that small groups will look at going through this book together and helping one another in the love journey. Again, you can order online@familylifetodate.com or call one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. You know this is what we are all about here at family life providing you with practical biblical help and hope for your marriage helping you understand and apply what the Bible says about marriage and about relationships so that you can effectively develop a more godly family that's our mission here at family life and I want to say thank you to those of you who make this mission possible. Those of you who are helping us reach more people more often as you support the ongoing work of family like to especially those of you were monthly legacy partners.

Thank you for your faithful support of this ministry through the years. We are so grateful for you if you're a longtime listener and you've never made a donation to support the work of family like to. Or maybe you thought about becoming a legacy partner, why not make today the day that you join the team go to our website. Family life to.com make an online donation were signed on as a monthly legacy partner or call one 800 FL today to donate. We look forward to hearing from you and appreciate you not tomorrow. We want to talk about some of the things that the Bible says.

Real love is like patient and kind and persevering in during more about that tomorrow. Two men for that conversation.

Think our engineer today. Keep links along with her entire broadcast on behalf of our hosts Dave and Dan Wilson about see you back next time for another addition, family life today. Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow