Abused but Not Forsaken

It wasn't until she was young adult that Jennifer Michelle Greenberg realized that there was something wrong with her family dynamic.

Her dad who was an elder in his local church also abused her physically when they were home so he would be one person in public at church in a completely different person behind and so growing up. I thought this was normal and I actually thought that everyone lived like this. They be one person at church. He put on your Sunday smile and then you go home and you lose your temper any costs and whatever else people dead and and so I parted that was part of the reason I didn't report for long time because I didn't think it was normal and I had no reason to believe that the men at our church weren't totally different people at home. This is family life to the hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetothe.com Jennifer Michelle Greenberg's childhood was the kind of childhood we would want no child to have to experience she shares her story with us today.

Stay with us and welcome to family life to the thanks for joining us there may be some Westerners who want to be careful with today's program because it contains some descriptions of abuse, physical violence that may be hard for people to hear hi I was thinking about the verse in Ephesians that says that we are to have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness but instead we are to expose them and you think about that yes question, so why are we to expose darkness because white what you want to bring darkness to light. Why reveal the unpleasantness, especially when it's been horrible.

I think that Satan does his best work in the darkness in hiding and bring it into the light, then God can expose the darkness and show us truth well and and I think as well. We have a clearer understanding of what is light and darkness, when we can see darkness brought to light and will bring that up because we got just joining us today whose life was full of unfruitful works of darkness. Jennifer Michelle Greenberg joining us on family life today welcome here. Jennifer is a mom she's a wife.

She lives in Houston, Texas. Mom of three daughters. She and Jason are been married for 13 years.

She is also a musician, a vocalist opera singer so you can we get a little now I will do that here you you have a written a book called, not forsaken, that is a memoir and it's a memoir about the darkness you grew up in an I'm sure as you thought about this book you thought this will be therapeutic for me to write this down but to go public and to tell the world what happened in your home, especially when you've got parents and siblings, and others were part of this were still living.

That's a tough decision to have to wrestle with. So tell us how you wrestled with it was really tough and you know there are so many parts of the butt that were cathartic and therapeutic same time they were in currently painful to write I had to go back over old memories that I had already packed away and tucked away in the back of my head and hadn't really processed a lot of the grief and so in a lot of times I felt like I was kind of on an archaeological dig in my brain now digging up these old tragedies in these old crimes and dusting them off and identifying them and calling them what they were and exposing them to light as you said that you know one of the Bible stories I really clung to.

As I was writing was the story of Joseph and how his brothers abused him when he was sold into slavery was falsely accused and falsely imprisoned and and is treated so badly by everyone. But God put him in a position where he was over many people and he was.

He had the opportunity to help a lot of people. Because of the things that he'd been through and he says in Genesis 50 verse 20 you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many rights and that has been my hope that God would use what he brought me through and what he shield me from to save many lives, your book is called, not forsaken.

It's a story of life after abuse. How faith brought you from being a victim to being a survivor is almost here, you experienced significant physical abuse at the hands of your father. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse from him and manipulation and abuse from your mom. Yeah, I don't think I've read a book were my emotions were so extreme.

I mean I felt hopeless and then by the end hopeful me in the fact that you're sitting here right now is its Joseph story amazing. I felt extreme anger need to throw the book against the wall. What happened to you, and yet, forgiveness and compassion. So it's can be a journey today take our listeners through your life are you are your earliest memories of growing up memories of abuse.

The majority of them yes and I think part of that is because traumatic memory stick with us for so long you know you try it. Think back to how many birthday parties. You remember when you were a kid you don't remember this specific parties you member the feeling of happiness.

Member feeling loved, but then you you might, for example, I think of a story when my dad through an iron in my head and I really thought that he was gonna kill me and those are the kind of details that just get burned into your mind and it's very hard to reconcile.

Especially now I have kids I thinking as I look at my own children and I know matter what they ever do.

I can't imagine treating that way and I can no longer say of my dad. Well, maybe he's just having a bad day, you know, maybe he I drink too much. Maybe whatever I can no longer see us things because I know as a parent I would never do that.

Your dad was reading a book on theology and you were making too much noise yes how old were you, I had to been 10 or 11 years old because we had recently moved to a house in Austin and I was playing with my dolls and living room so it would been a Saturday or Sunday because my dad was home from work and he was sitting on the couch reading a theology book, and I member him telling me to be quiet. I was a kid so I thought you was like okay dad now be quiet and I went back to playing and I don't know if I was noisy or not, but whatever happened suddenly he he grabbed me from behind and he jerked me around and he just started hitting me and I am ever thinking as a kid. It's going to be okay.

This is just a regular spanking and he'll hit me. You know two or three times and it will be over and I can go back to playing but he just kept hitting me and eventually I started to really panic because I could tell that he was hitting me harder and harder and he wasn't stopping and I started screaming and finally my mom ran in and she said what you doing and he drop me and I didn't even bother getting my toys or anything I just ran as fast as I kidded my bedroom and I hid. I just kind of huddled by the by the closet on the floor and I member hearing them yelling and I remember just waiting for someone to come and take care of me and I waited a long time EI I just sat there and I remember looking at my arm and seeing bruises already showing up and matching my fingers to handshake bruises on my arms and although my side and my thighs and I member comparing the size of my hands to those bruise marks and thinking this is how big my dad's hands are and just realizing in that moment that that I was really in a lot of danger and I think that was the one time that I ever remember my dad apologizing to me and I want to say it was 1 to 3 days later, but he called me on the phone from work and he basically told me and I'm sorry that happened, but I had overheard them yelling and arguing and I knew that my mom had threatened to tell her pastor if he didn't say sorry so you are going to church is a family yes in winter. Parents say they were believers and Christians yes absolutely. In fact, my dad on he would teach Sunday school.

He's incredibly smart heat and he has a PhD in biology and he's just he's a very intellectual, academic guy, he's not. I think what may be Hollywood with depict as your typical abuser.

You know he's not the typical drunk in a white tank top or whatever him sit on the front porch. You know that he is very clean-cut. Looks like a good guy, member him ever getting drunk, or even losing his temper in public was not the first time that he had lost his temper. No, no, not at home. He was a very different person so he would be one person in public at church and I assume it work in a completely different person, private, and so growing up. I thought this was normal and I actually thought that everyone lived like this. They be one person at church. He put on your Sunday smile and then you go home and you lose your temper any costs and you'd look at corner whatever else people dead and part of that was part of the reason I didn't report for long time because I didn't think it was normal and I had no reason to believe that the men at our church weren't totally different people at home what you just described in terms of physical abuse you talked about cussing important. This was all part of your dad's behavior. Right absolutely yes and again you thought. It's normal. It's what you grown up with. Had you ever feared for your safety or did you just think you are getting bad spankings. As a child I constantly feared for my safety.

In fact, I would have recurring nightmares about being raped or being murdered and for a long time as a child and I think this is because I thought this was a normal way to live. I didn't expect to live until I was 21 I expected to die.

And the reason was because I thought that all men were as violent as my dad. I thought he was normal.

So is going to kill you.

I did I did and I thought if he didn't kill me, then I'll probably get so depressed that I would kill myself.

You know, and that if I ever got married that I would marry a man who is violent, you know, so I just again this is my normal it was. How I thought everyone was and so based on my experiences. I didn't see how I was gonna survive you open the book with several stories you just told but the other one with the razor blade yeah talk about the soonest of them wrote a book worth started that way is to use like oh my goodness when I was a teenager, 15, 16, I overheard my dad talking to my mom and he was telling her what a beautiful figure. He thought I was developing and you're the oldest on the list. Yeah, and I had been inundated with his perverse comments and his sexual abuse for so long and I think just as a teenager I was starting to look at my situation with less of a childish perspective and more of an adult perspective. So there was just, you know, there's a maturity going on there is that there is a hormonal development. I was trying to understand more what sexuality was and suddenly I realized that my dad was a sexual predator and that I was his prey and I wanted to die and for a long time.

I had kind of thought will I just need to make it till I'm 18 I can leave I can get out of here I can go to college I can start my own life looking a little apartment by myself but at that point my life I just didn't think I could make it another three years and there's really a loss. There's really a death that happens when you when you acknowledge that someone you love you previously thought was a Christian is actually spiritually dead, you realize that their dead and so I just didn't think I could go on and I I went and got a razor blade out of my mom's art supplies and I took it up to my bedroom and I just sat on my bed and I prayed and I told God, you know, I've heard that if you commit suicide, you'll go to hell, but I can't like this. I can't stand this anymore and so I really need a sign from the you that you love me and that you're not can it abandon me and I really just want to go to heaven right now and I was just weeping and praying for. I don't know how long. And suddenly, you know, for lack of a better word I think I really just had something of a vision I heard a voice say I will never leave you or forsake you. And I knew that it was caught and I can't tell you how I knew that a part of it is because I knew those words from the Bible but I recognize that voice was like. Even I never heard it audibly before I felt in my DNA and I knew that voice and I saw my mom find my body and I saw my little sisters huddled by the bedroom door and I remember thinking what's this gonna do to my mom and what's this gonna do my little sister's if I leave like this and I dropped the razor blade and I, came back to this reality and in that moment I decided to live. I was still grief stricken. I was still terrified but I knew that I had a father who loves me and he was faithful and merciful and just and that no matter what happens to me in this life is no statute of limitations in his courtroom and he doesn't need DNA evidence.

He does any police reports he does need you my testimony because he was there not saying you should report to the police, but just knowing that he had me at that moment, which is this beautiful miracle your view of a father was so sick and horrific.

And yet he saw God this loving father who would care for you. It really is a miracle. And you know I've been asked by people is really funny when my pastor is actually when we we were joining a new church because we had just moved and I told him my story and she just looked at me point blank.

He said how he is so normal like or how are you still a Christian. Yes yes because a lot of people growing up in what you grew up in yeah would say if this is what it means to be a follower of Christ.

My daydream theology books, one minute and then beating me that's not where you turn over I'll know that's over hypocrisy yeah yeah so for you to cling to faith in the midst of that that's not been the path all your siblings have been on.

It's the grace of God that kept you held in a relationship with him in the midst of all this absolutely yeah you started sharing the story by talking about the Deb that you loved and believed was a Christian, yes. At 15, with the a long history of abuse and hypocrisy. You still loved your dad yeah and you know I think in some sense, I still do. It's very hard to meet a person is always good to be a parent, you know, no matter how evil they are as a child, I think, in particular, we look at her parents to superheroes you know and I think part of this is just being a loving person we see we try to see the best in people growing up and just seeing the amazing potential. He had and the potential he had to be a godly teacher. I remembered just praying that God would put godly men in his life could influence him. Jennifer is remarkable that you're just not filled with hatred because of the things like purity of heart, which is beautiful but also shows the need of a child to be loved by your extending grace and love and I think it also. Though it needs to be balanced with there is anger one thing that I've learned is that you can actually love someone and hate them at the same time. In fact, I think that you know for a long time II did struggle with anger and hate and every so often I hear a new story of something that my dad did and it comes back very quickly that there is such a thing as righteous anger, you know, we are called to be angry at the wicked and the one since I love my dad in the sense that I dearly wish that that God would work in his heart.

I wish God would soften his heart and change him but same time I'm angry at my dad because of all the terrible things that he is done and I think God is angry as well. You some 711 says God is angry with the wicked every day you ever express that you didn't know absolutely I am at one of the last conversations I had with my dad was on the phone with him and I said, looking like I keep telling you the stories of my past and it was the weirdest thing actually was, after all the abuse economy hit the fan. The church knew about it. He been excommunicated. My parents were going through a divorce and I was still you know is like I was mad at him and on the one hand, but I but I dearly want him to repent.

On the other, and he would do this thing where he would go back and forth and and sometimes to apologize and he's like, I'm so sorry you know anything I can do to help you heal. I will do and then a week or month later he denied any of that had ever happened, and he didn't remember apologizing and he didn't understand why was mad at him and eventually it was really a mind game now because he's far like multiple personalities. That's what it felt like I told him I told him over the phone. I said like dad. I can either believe that you are crazy and you didn't understand what you are doing and you still don't understand that your you're out of your mind or I can believe that your evil and you know exactly what you're doing and he got real quiet and calm and he said well I'm not crazy so you're just can have to accept that I am evil and at that point I was just stunned me. It was honestly, it was most it was the most honest thing he'd ever said so I think the gravity of that hit me but also just the gravity of his sin. The depth of what he was saying and that it was true. I just said I can't do this anymore. I needed to get out of my life for true sharing today is causing some blisters to relive and share moments from their own childhood. And there's pain and there's grief and there's despair and there's anger absolutely and justifiably so they do without.

I would say take great comfort in knowing that God is angry with you and Jesus weeps with us. The shortest verse in the Bible is that Jesus weeps and you know you can probably tell me the verse, but there is this idea that Jesus even now in the throne room of heaven. He's not sitting around, you know having a party relaxing with his friends.

He's interceding for us. He's praying for as he's concerned for us. He's praying for us by name and so he is weeping for me and he is weeping for you and is angry with the wicked and it's okay to grieve. We can weep with Christ and I came to a place in my life where even though I knew that my anger was justified and right. I also knew that I needed to feel chilly again needed to rest and focus on my kids and my marriage and not be so torn apart all the time about what my data done and I told God I was like put Jesus you took my sins to the cross. All my sins. You carry them to the cross so I know that you can carry my anger to even though my anger isn't necessarily sinful unite may express it in simple ways sometimes but being angry with evil is not sinful but same time I know you can feel this for me and I said she's I need you to carry this burden for me because it's it's ruining my life and it was amazing because after praying that I was able to to rest in God and to kind of just give that to him. I've always loved Psalm 3418. This is the Lord is close to the brokenhearted yes and saves those who are crushed in spirit is a story Mike Boyle boy Deborah brokenhearted Christian spirit absolutely yet you said here today and I hope the listener goes there's hope for is as dark as hers and Hershey is renewed in Christ there's hope for anyone. Psalm 56, eight, you keep track of all my sorrows you have collected all my tears in your bottle you have recorded each one in your book. Each one each tier here not just every crying episode right every tear.

I would think those who can relate to your story would find some level of healing and reading your book so yeah we have the book available you can go to our website. Family life today.com to order the book not forsaken the story of life after abuse. How faith brought one woman from victim to survivor by Jennifer Michelle Greenberg again ordered from us on why the family life to the.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy the website again.

His family life to day.com or you can order Jennifer's book by calling one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life than the word today. I know this is gonna be a hard book for some people to read but again we hope will be a healing book for folks as well. I know you guys are aware, because we see the prayer requests that come in regularly here in family life from blisters who get in touch with us asking us to pray for very difficult marriage and family situations for relationships that are strained, issues related to substance abuse to domestic violence like we talked about all kinds of issues that are fracturing families. Here in family life are goal or mission is to try to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe when marriages and families are anchored in what God's Word teaches when people are surrendered to Jesus living for him and living humbly with one another, God does a transforming work in our lives and in those relationships and we reflect his goodness and his glory to a watching world. That's our goal here at family life to provide you with practical biblical help and hope for the issues you're facing in your marriage thanks to those of you who make this ministry possible through your financial support. You are the ones who cover the cost of producing and syndicating this program. This podcast all of the ways that family life to the is being accessed these days. Your donations are making this program available to comes with thousands of people all around the world every day and were grateful for your partnership with us. If you're a regular listener and you've never made a donation. Today's a great day to join the team and show your support for the ministry of family life to the dorm on the family life to the.com to donate or call one 800 FL today to donate and thanks in advance for whatever you're able to do great to be in partnership with you. We appreciate you that tomorrow Jennifer joins us again to share about how she has processed as an adult as a wife and a mom now for experience of childhood use and how God is bringing hope to him for that. Think our engineer today.

Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave Wilson and Bob see you back next time for family life, family life to the user. Production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas ministry help for today hope for tomorrow