The Risk of Rejection

Among students today. The opportunities for texting and social media have made forming real authentic human relationships a lot more complicated. Here Shelby Abbott I would like to tell the students I studied in social media, texting your phones should never be a substitute for relationships. They should be a springboard for relationships into something deeper. No matter how critical we are, and you might seem because you don't use your phone in the way other people do.

People will eventually look at that and go there. There's just something remarkably attractive. This is family life today.

Our hosts are Damon and Wilson about pain. How can moms and dads and friends help high school and college age students and young adults deal with the complexities of dating in the 21st century will talk about that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us.

Marion was telling me the other day about a college professor and one of her assignments to her freshman is you have have a date.

So in the next two weeks. You have to have a date. These are the rules. It has to be with one person only. So it's you and one other person it has to last at least 90 minutes long. The initiation has to happen. Face-to-face and it has to be with somebody that you have some sense of interest in him and the professor was going these kids lack this simple basic skill that is gonna be determinative for what the next four years of their life will look like and the kids are like how you'd so what you do the run the library to check out books like I am a tool to help with her dating life to figure out how do I do this because they don't know how to have how to ask a girl out on date then I tell you what I did neither. When I was growing up, but I had to figure it out. There was no social media.

There was a phone that was plugged into the wall with a long cord on it and I can remember some of the scariest moments of my life which now I know are great.

Maturing moments were dialing dictate to dictate the deep, deep, deep and sweating and making that that that request. You had said that's a grow up moment to remember Dave asking you out. Yes it's pretty fantastic.

It was a yes I can remember hearing his voice on the phone thinking what Dave Wilson is calling me that he acted super cool, you know, I didn't know there were any nerves in the situation so that he saved you want to get together hang out or remember and say hang out what you said your number. I so would you like to go out on a date. Nice that's what we called it back in the 60s.

Today, there was a seven well it's interesting because I remember talking to our sons about this and talking to them about asking girls out on a then date and down they were right on that border of if it's called the date. Are you just hanging out a lot of it was in groups that I remember Dave and I encouraging them like he should call this girl and ask her out and yelled ending when he talking about, and so Cody, our youngest son called his now wife Jana and asked her to go on a date and she was younger, but they had to state they sat down and ate dinner at a restaurant that I paid for by thinking try to remember that. And then he went out a more times he was with her.

He opened the car door open the door for and she went home we found this out later that her mom asked her hey how is your date with Cody Wilson and she said he was so weird. I keep asking on an actual date. Any Opening doors for me and it felt really weird to her because no one had ever done what we got Shelby Abbott joining us again on family life today, shall be welcome back.

Thanks for everything you've heard stories like this over and over again even involved with crew for the last 20 years working with high school and college age students. You've written a book about relationships, about dating called. I am a tool to help with your dating life family. I am a tool is kind of like I can't really help you, but you can't. This book is is really helpful for young people who are like Cody Wilson was and what to date and how do I do this and MM girls who think that's weird when it happens again.

I explained to college students all the time that the important parts of communication between the two of you should never happen digitally.

This should happen face-to-face.

Now if you're far apart from one another. The exception I think is video chatting some kind of a stomach but whenever I say that, stuff I say I'm not an idiot.

I know what you are thinking right now who in the world, asks the girl at face-to-face these days.

Who does that. And my answer is, ideally you instead of succumbing to the cultural norms of passive digital relational interaction. Why not set a new standard by valuing character and integrity and honesty and guts in a world that devalues those admirable things in men like what why wouldn't you stand up so Cody did that she thought it was weird. She still married and it was so weird that it was like compelling because it can happen is just not an option for most guys got you go back to the dark ages when I was thinking that's the darker I remember have a crush on a girl who was a grade ahead of me in high school and I wanted to ask her out. I was petrified by the thought that the whole idea that I was going to ask her out and she might say no or she might think I was weird. It was at the point where like I had a friend who said she will go out with you if you ask her out. I was still scared to ask her out what's going on with us that this fear of rejection or the fear of I don't know there was rejection. It was kind like this is so awkward what what's at the core of all of it gets a little vulnerability in reality that that always existed back when you were dating as well like it existed, and a lot of times the padding that we would put in there would be talking through another friend. Can you go tell her that I like her and I wanted to correct, then it was like notes like here's this note past the snow check yes or no that can the stuff we always want to lean on that crutch of where can we make it easier on us because there's an element of vulnerability. Now that that vulnerability that exist is is padded through people's phones and it's easier to do that because it's so commonplace because everybody has a phone and so opting for something else.

It's not an option for people because nobody likes to be vulnerable, at least initially, when your heart is online because you put yourself out there and you admit hey I'm interested in you. Therefore, I am vulnerable and you have the option to make this a good thing in my mind or you have the option of destroying my heart rejection.

Yes, it's just really really terrifying. I got up to find out if you are as interested in me as I am in you yeah and if I find out you're not that's gonna be pretty disappointing and it's going to say what's wrong with me. I think that's what's kinda behind all of it, don't you think. Yes, you and I what I was thinking is as a preacher and a teacher. It's like you want feedback, yet they are afraid of it.

Yeah it's the same thing I did stand-up comedy for four years. Like his outing at Jerry Seinfeld that we talk about how you getting instant feedback.

Every single joke you tell so you're getting like that was okay yeah that was great.

Now that was awful and see you can refine your Shelby still put yourself out there and taken hits the entire time I you're up there. Some of my good golf you know you hit one good swing and you can think of combat you get one good joke.

I got think I could do this again. So if a college student is listening and and hears us talking about this and later today she gets a text from a guy who was saying hey I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime and she's thinking I kinda would like to hang out with him. Are you saying she ought to make him man up before she says yes to that artist. Is it okay for just say sure what I'm I'm hesitant to put down blanket rules for everyone and say that this is the absolute right way that you should do this right, as the Bible gives cues about how we are to go about living our lives, but the Bible has a lot of nothing to say about dating because it's a cultural thing, but we could take principles billable principles and biblical thinking to help us determine how we act today and so the Proverbs are great place to go for wisdom and how communication should happen. There's lots of great things that we can apply in there I'd say if a if a girl gets a text message from God. I would respond and say hey have the guts to come and talk to me face-to-face if the guy doesn't and he can't go see you in and tunes out. Then you've dodged a bullet.

But if he has decided to come to you and lean into the awkwardness in the. The social anxiety of it all, then EE had a guy who is willing to learn and grow and be teachable and he's willing to fight for you. Why is that a bad thing and he's willing to fight for you. I was I was telling college students I say when my daughters my daughters are almost 8 and five right now time to worry about the stuff right now. But when the day comes when they start dating boys God help me if the if the boy did their interest in doesn't have the guts to walk up to my front door knock on my front door shake my hand and engaged me in a little chitchat about the NFL and fast and furious like 14. He just doesn't get to take out my daughter it just as simple as that.

Are you telling your daughters that now I know because I don't want them to know about boys in that way with errands that are listening. What's the strategy. How can we enter into this world of teaching our kids do expect that kind of respect and admiration and just even walking up to the door and ringing the doorbell when our kids are like mom. I never can expect this guy to do that how his parents can we communicate that to our kids yet. That's a great question an important one. I'm a little bit hesitant to answer because I don't have kids who are of that age so it's easy for me to say right now, then when II take both my daughters out on dates. Now I'm starting that early as quickly as possible. I want them to know how a woman should be treated when a guy takes them out and so now were going out for doughnuts and you know where were doing rollerskating and that, thanks was no big deal right now but I want them to expect a certain level of treatment from a guy because they witness it in the way that their dad has treated them and so what I want to instill in my girls is that they would not want to settle for a guy who is not willing to engage with them the way that I did as they were growing up. Now I know a lot of people like well it's too late for me now. I think there is grace and that and God covers over the past mistakes. He just does.

So I think it's never too late to start treating your daughters in a way where they just see the bar raised in their life. Our kids have potential. I had a Bible study leader look at me when time is a Shelby, you have so much stink and potential. If you would just live up to it. And while he was trying to complement me actually punch me in the stomach.

If it was I said that hurt. I will I'm not living up to what it did is it raised the bar in my life and I was like okay I can jump higher than what I'm currently settling for. I think if we help our kids to understand that number one. Nobody will ever ever ever love them.

The way that Jesus loves them. Never. Never. So don't ever look for the satisfaction that only Jesus can give you in another human being that's first and foremost, preach the gospel to your kids that they would not only hear it in and experience it but believe it in their hearts.

It would be their own thing so that they see who Jesus is and they compare every guy to Jesus first and then dad and they look at that and if it's a contrasting comparison there than they go. Now, he's just not good enough or they have the guts to say well if you're not willing to come and meet my parents. Then you're just not willing to actually fight for me in the way that I need you to fight for me. That sounds kinda serious, maybe in high school but like why not, why not raise the bar, Inc. as Alaska's school students they can explain to photosynthesis which is a very complicated thing.

But we can expect them to like understand the complexities of communication and theology they can learn about the things he could live the same thing to talk about the things they're able to understand the complexities of that and they're able to understand how to live out a dating relationship or a romantic relationship on a deeper level than what they're currently experiencing. So as a data daughters what age he alone date. You know, my wife and I haven't talked about that too too much.

What is been in the back of my brain is 16. That's not some mathematical thing that I've come up with. By looking at the Scriptures and predicting a date because it's just it's silly to do so. That would be a hard look at the Bible there married and having kids by the examiner. Mary was probably 15.

Had you spent so things are different. I think 16 is is a good place to start because it's in early high school.

It's in a place where there a little bit more mature, they can understand this, things but I think the more important question to ask is when we get to give our kids phones and that a deeper question that I need to get into because my oldest is an elementary school. She's in second grade and I would never forget. When in kindergarten we went to a school function. There is these kids wandering around the hallways, who are you know K through five and these fifth-grade girls are pulling out their phones and looking at stuff on their phones in like fifth grade. They got phones already when they're fit and not just like phones like smart phones there watching YouTube there communicating with people there on Snapchat and not to even get into all the predatory stuff that happens out there on the Internet, but do I really want my kids communicating through their phones that early and the Scriptures talk about if if your kids ask you for bread. You don't give them a snake or scorpion and then when they're asking for in for a phone with her really asking for is not a phone there really asking for a deeper sense of communication and belonging, so don't give them something that they're not asking so so that's the problem. If you don't give them that you are cutting them out of the group I'm in your consigning to them. Social outcast status in the fifth grade. You know that's an interesting way of approaching stuff. I think it phones in general for emergency cases and texting for that might be a healthy way to go in and around for stuff, but especially if you have boys out there and it's not just a boy issue of course is for women as well. A pornography is streamed straight into your pockets.

If you have a smart phone and you can access it at any point in time.

So I think that there's some parameters that you could put down. I don't think has to be complete know that there could be like we don't go into our rooms with our phones and scroll on it all night long before we fall asleep with you in our inner bed. If we said the parents look. Here's the thing.

If your kids are going to be in junior high today if they don't have a personal weapon with their caring around with them. They're not to be accepted in the crowd parents would go that's not safe for my kid to have a personal weapon know where you were talking about your child's emotional health and safety when you're talking about giving them a foam in the fifth grade or the eighth grade or whatever you decide to do it, or even the you know is a high school student. Again, I'm not saying you don't give your child, but we have friends whose high school daughter follow Christ. They found out through social media one and that she was drunk at a high school football game, confronted her.

No I did not happen teacher said I was there. It did happen. Guess what, their punishment was they say were taking her phone away for a year she went bonkers the year ended, she came on our stage at our church and said best year of my life that swims you have to be willing to go through the pain initially in order to experience the maturity character, integrity are never born in the crucible of comfort. They never are is always in the crucible of fire, and so easy for me to say again because I don't have teenagers. I will one day to teenage women so pray for me.

But when that day comes, I have a friend who her parents didn't give her a phone until she turned 18. When she graduate from high school and she was like I fought my parents every single day about that and complained every single day. Looking back on it now. I am so so so thankful that they did that. What we need to realize is older folks is looking back and you say him to take your phone away. It's essentially like saying to agendas he or or or millennia. I'm cutting off your hand is not yet a thing that they use will look at it as a tool that we use to communicate with the world to get work done.

It's not that for them.

It's an extension of themselves. Now is messed up is all that is and when I can get into the psychology of all that we need to recognize that we are communicating with our kids. What were saying when I Sam to take her phone away your baseless enzyme eyes would just cut off both of your feet. Now is not truly know that and not the girl you just talked about is evidence of that. I need to go through the pain in order to experience the way that they should rightly live and they will fight it and fight it and fight it and fight it but eventually they will probably thank you for I think it was harder on the parents because of the fight on the out every day fight and yet it was amazing to listen to her saying thank you, thank you for doing that because I found Jesus and I found true life.

Why would you say to you as a father of a five-year-old went when my kids were that age next time you're out on a date with your daughter. Beside her, you know someday you'll be going out on dates with other people working that and let me just tell you what that's gonna look like when when you get there when you turn 16 or 17. The young man wants to take you out, your gonna say to him you need to talk to my daddy first and you start drafting the script for them to understand this is what it's going to be so that when they get the 15 or 16 or 17 of the young man asked them out they been programmed. This is how I'm supposed to respond.

They know that's normal and natural will still kick against the go run but they know this is not something new that that just invented because he scared. He's been planning on this and he loves me. I tell you when their five or seven or eight and you say the storm they smile. That is when you start day you'll love it. Thanks.

They start to imagine that and imagine some young man come and talking to their dad that idea thrills their heart. It won't be there when they're 16 but you plan it now. It's a grape seed the plant and we did that with our sons of talking about when they were younger when you want to date a girl we called it that when you want to take a girl out. You'll need to talk to her dad and these guys were petrified or you like. This is the dumbest thing I'm not doing that. And yet the girls that they married.

They did ask their fathers permission and it was interesting that dads of the daughters were shocked like he's not asking to marry you. He's asking to date. You which that right there says so much, but also saying to our sons because I would date our sons as well and that's where they got it when we would go to a restaurant said you should open the door for whoever you'll take out and for your wife someday. That's just showing love and respect it's showing that you care and that you're protecting.

We were thinking of showing what your books are about to hold another vision. It's not the culture it's above the culture. It's a vision of the way God wants you to date.

This divine encouraging that you talk about is the beautiful definition of dating that I don't think the culture should give him Wendy to give him that a divine appointment to encourage yeah I like that yesterday. We have to consider this to since when did Jesus ever promise a life of comfort and ease by following him is didn't. He promised abundant life to follow him, but he didn't promise a life of comfort and so we can identify with Christ in his sufferings. When we suffer, and as a parent when your teenage kids are making your life miserable. That's a form of suffering, but in the end, what is it, do it is the birthplace of character and integrity and so it's not going to be easy at all. It's never supposed to be easy, especially with the child who you love and who you desire good things for you want what's best for them, but they don't know what's best for them. I don't know. And so it's important that we stick to that and ask the Holy Spirit to give us guidance and grace in our failings.

You wrote this book for the young person loves the other parent for the college student just so should parents read it first. Should they just buy it and give it to their college student do you put it on their pillow at night here. I can assess again. One of the things I think you should read this in there like you never ever get for that yet. I would mind if they read it before and I have nothing to hide, and I think that some parents might read this go this guy is completely out of touch with reality. I'm not but again it's a call to something different is a call to something, because the way that it's being done now is tragic in its injuring a lot of young people and let's try to get on the solution set and hopefully they'll look at it the way you titled it. It's a tool to help them and who doesn't want a tool at the right time in the right purpose to literally change your life. What what a gift. I would really encourage parents to fall on their knees and to beg God to care for to instruct, to guide their children because God hears that prayer he hears our anxiety and our angst as were raising kids and we feel like so many times I got on my knees and said Jesus I don't know what's happening.

I don't even know what I'm doing and I need your help any promises to help us. He runs to us.

We don't see the results of that immediately sometimes, but he's always working. So here's what I did I would not put it on their pillow, but I would order the book and then I just when it came I wouldn't say a word. I just set it out somewhere like on a coffee table or something.

Just leave it there and let your teenager is the cover teenager can pick up.

So what's this, yes, right. Where did this come from I know I don't know that that came in the mail. I would encourage parents to read it and ask questions. Hate what dating is today what you think it looks like for a guy to ask you out for. Would you ever ask a girl out because instead of preaching to our kids. I think asked those questions. It really is a great conversation you read something new here you go. I this is true. Yes, that's a great read this to you is this true and just see how they respond about Ryan and and by the way, thank you Germany and with the some forgotten about my pleasure Shelby Abbott has written a book. I'm a tool we got in our family life to the resource Center you can order it from us online@familylifetoday.com or call to order one 800 FL today is our number. This is a great book to give to a high school or college age students. Someone you know who is in the midst of the dating years may be something you could interact with them about in the title of the book as I am a tool to help with your dating life.

Order online@familylifeto.com or call to order one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life, and then the word today. You know it processing what we talked about today. I think all of us parents would wish that our kids would have pain free relationships, but that's probably not to happen.

David Robbins, the person family life is here with us and it's just part of the reality of relationships that there's gonna be conflict. Especially sometimes when kids and parents. I'm listening today I'm, may we should change family lives, parent and resources to enter into suffering, nothing Shelby may be owned to something here.

There is some suffering that comes from resisting what our kids want when we know it isn't best for them and it's it's not so easy when the toddlers and I have a toddler, but man with my team. It takes it's a whole other level's and I know what's coming because he's he hung team and I'm challenged by today's conversation in my willing to suffer for my teens good buying during their frustration with me, like when I'm doing what Shelby talked about taking their phone away from them and we talked about today are kids needing to step up and relating to others with the ability of risk and vulnerability and to not live lives that are padded. I think the same type of risk and vulnerability is needed by us as parents as we take steps of faith to really parent them well to help shape their lives working happily and then allow God to use us in some risky ways that may seem vulnerable and trust him for things bigger than ourselves in order to form them and who he wants him to be formed into an know they're not always like your parenting but you gotta do what God called you to) and not make their approval.

The benchmark for whether you're doing it well, absolutely. Thanks tomorrow. We want to talk about what moms and dads can do to help teenagers through turbulent teen years. So they come out on the other side pointed in the right direction. Jeffrey Dean joins us to talk about that with us as well like our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Dan Wilson about the pain. See you back next time for another addition of family life today. Family life to date is the production of family life of Little Rock Arkansas crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow