A Parent’s Influence

Whether you realize it or not, your teenagers are paying attention to how the two of you interact as a couple is a mom and dad and Jeffrey Dean says it's not just your kids who are watching.

We try to be that home where the kids come to after the games and we try to have the parties and celebrations in the backyard where her kids. One of those parties and one about their friends and tell you the thing we share the most step that we love the most from our daughters friends is we love that you guys love to be together.

This is family life today. Our hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Lapine. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com. As parents we have a tremendous responsibility as well as a tremendous opportunity help shape the lives and marriages of the next generation talk more about that today with Jeffrey Dean stay with us and welcome to family like to thanks for joining us for years that are weak and remember marriage getaways. We have made the statement that kids need both a mom and dad to better understand everything about parenting about gender about sexuality as their growing up in the home.

The reason God gives kids a mom and dad is so that they can get the full picture of his creation.

Another sometimes when divorce or death takes a mom or dad out of the picture and and somebody feels like for my kids are missing something in God. God is the father to the fatherless, and he's the mother to the motherless so we need to keep that in mind, but it's so true that both the mom and the data are essential and essential in different ways. As we raise our kids.

It doesn't send you but I don't know as well. But at that moment in the we can remember when reteaching a point you know me, I was grab a guitar yes and I sing an old, old song guitar here is affecting that I usually do it.

Okay, we can know what year this was had to be 60s. He thinks to me by me, but I do make the point about makes even after singing a good is really just for fun. It takes to baby to raise kids, and it's better if you can have both but I was revising a mom so I didn't even experience that growing up as as Bob said through divorce or death.

Mine was my parents were divorced, but here's what my mom did, which was highly realize that she would walk speak into coaches that I had in sports and literally asked them without me even knowing will you parent my son while through this season be the male influence in his life that his new my dad's gone so in a sense, there still was a two-part thing. There's the female in the mail. It's critical so we got a guest today. Don't you wish we could. Jeffrey Dean is joining us again on family out today.

Welcome back joy. You guys are fine quite impressed with the Charles and I heard nothing like my will be saying that II have a sense that this could get off track real because you got started in ministry doing what plays music. Isn't that crazy. Maybe Nashville and Asaph. Jeffrey lives in Nashville. He and his wife have two daughters for the last 3+ decades you been traveling around the country speaking to teenagers and their parents really that's been your primary target audience has been teens and their parents why that audience. Why do you think God singled you out for that you now wish I could give you really great answer. That sounds really good but the symbol of it is fell in love with students years ago and just being privileged to volunteer in our local church and hang out with students and see their enthusiasm for life, but also seeing their need for truth and their hunger to want more than the world gives them that sound so Christian he that I should say that, but it's so true God really broke my heart for this generation, and out of that. As you can imagine being at a variety events all over America.

Of course we meet people of all ages who equally are struggling and in need hope and truth, but parents really driving the ship looking to the world working to teach them to look to God's word at the end of the day God is created you for this moment. We want parents to know that regardless of your situation, regardless of a failed marriage or prodigal child. God is created you for this moment to be a parent to this child. What a challenge, but equally what you know that some of the teams you were talking to in the early 90s are now the parents of the teacher talking to in the 2020s you've written a book called raising successful teens are teams different today in the 2020s than they were in the 1990s and the 2000 what's the same and what's different.

We know the world is different and the accessibility is a click away to just about anything that they want and don't want to write but at the end of the day. Kids are still kids and I'm asked that question.

What Weatherby student who lives in another nation or is privileged to be in the greatest nation on the planet here in America. Our kids different the end of the day.

Kids are looking for help and hope and have questions and want answers and well what a privilege it is to either stand on the stage in front of thousands or shake a hand to get a public score detention center and remind them that they were made for more than the been created in the image of God that were image of course means reflection that you are created to reflect him the ability to build reflective in the way he desires is understanding that he he has a plan and a purpose for your life and through salvation, and the son, Jesus Christ, you can be everything he's desiring you to be and that is created you for I am so honored to share the gospel with kids in the sea like change happen.

Yet we hear that so many people are leaving the church teens are leaving the church in droves is what we hear, do you still see that hunger because the message is still the same of what you been sharing this with all these years where kids looking for today. Is it any different think they just want authenticity. We are from students we work with a lot of college age students and do a lot of work on college campuses and meet students who yes many group in the church love the Lord want to live for him, but found themselves lost in all that of trying to figure out does this really connect in the real world and is my religion just my parents was a truly something that I have embraced him want to be and there's a challenge there.

I think as we strive to remind parents that you know you you can't get your kids to believe everything that you want them to believe necessarily just by taking them to church, but living that example in the home. I believe something is gonna stick even if they take that prodigal journey for a while that truth that is embedded in them.

And so parents have a huge responsibility really did step back and to take a landscape view.

Okay, how are we helping our kids understand that God's word is apical and that is real and that it's tangible and that it can be something you embrace, even in your moments of challenging question. I think it's important to give our kids permission to question their faith in the rest of with that and let them know that were in the wrestle with them and we may not have all the answers, but we sure would help them get to what we talked about how important it is for kids to have both the mom and the dad in the home you talk in your book, raising successful teams about the fact that there's a unique role of dad can play that is maybe different than what a mom can play in raising the next generation so as you look at it. What can dad's uniquely bring to the party. What can mom's uniquely bring to the parenting journey. How can they work together and use each other's strengths and gifts first will fit a single parent, as you just mentioned this listing today you carry that double load, so we we high-five you from the studio today and know that even though your situation might be different than those listening today who are in a two-parent family and God's he still in it with you. He's called you to this moment. So stay the course.

I write these two chapters, honestly, specifically from the approach of really think about my mom and dad and the uniqueness they brought to our family. Growing up, one of three brothers. Actually, for one, passed away at birth but my mom and dad brought you unique gifts. I break this down in the book early think about my mom Sherry month my dad Jerry and my dad was that spiritual leader in the home, though not that leader of really being a vocal leader, but he sure was that spiritual leader of prayer and of course yes mom's listing today. You can be that prayer warriors. Well, I can remember my dad's journeys at night spiritually in the word when the house and be quiet in us boys will be in bed and I can see myself walking down the steps in our home just a few miles from here, where I grew up and see my dad in his black leather chair, and the Bible open and hearing my dad pray out loud. He was as I'm thinking now in the studio and my mom a very quiet prayer, but with her unique gifts. My mom wrote that she wrote letters and my dad would never penned a letter probably to me as his son but my mama brought that uniqueness of putting pen to paper and writing what was on her heart and how the Lord was leading her to leave her science and to this day still have a box in my office in Nashville stacks of letters that my mama has sent me that to this day still speak to me and so I a little off course here, but not sure would challenge every parent listing they find in your own way, I share unique stores in the book of what really connected me of my mom, my dad, but find your uniqueness as is apparent and really use that in a way that helps you have that heart connection with your kid and whatever that looks like.

I would challenge you whether you're driving or at work or working out right now is your listing to think okay.

How is God uniquely gifted me as a dad as a mom and how can I use my uniquenesses in a way to connect my kid that can really help us blossom our relationship because every parent listing that you have a unique gift the Lord is given you find that you use that an everyday exercise that muscle in your relationship with your children. I love one of one of the quotes in your book which are sorta hidden on right now but you said to set it this way. The thing your son or daughter is saying to dad. Here's how you eroded.

I'm sure you remember this dad I believe forwards capture the hearts desire of near nearly every team. I want my father when I read that I just thought that is so true they may not show it. They may not ask for it but deep down that's what they're longing for right the father's heart. They want their father the store you're referring to. There is the story from the Princess bride movie on me mentally and well that's a longer story than our time.

The six man who had killed amigo mentally as father and so he must've events of his father's death and he finally had that opportunity and the six fingered man is offering him anything you want successful my daddy back with that hearts cry for for all of us listening that we we long to have that father in our lives. Everyone listening now who has a daddy in life with you.

You smile and those right now who your daddy may have gone on and passed away may bring up security right that emotions connect with us differently but were born because of that relationship that we have embedded within us to have that that tangible relationship with our father in heaven. We also longed for that in our relationship with her father on the planet wellness it's really powerful to think about those words and I remember writing it. Thinking about my daddy and his impact my life as I wrote that you're a parent of two teenage daughters you and your wife bring different things to the equation when you think of about what a dad can bring that a mom can't bring anything that jumps out at you to say you know this is just a unique area where a dad can bring affirmation or or encouragement that it's not gonna work as well for mom to try.

Well I can't say that I know is not covered as well because I'm not a mama but I can say this from countless conversations with boys and men of all ages and knowing my struggle as a man I think about when we write about this a lot about the challenge that our boys are facing today with lust and I know from a man's perspective. I got that every man listening today.

There are really two types of men in the room those of the myth that they struggle with lust, singles the lie about the struggle and so father can bring that unique perspective for both a son and a daughter of helping their kids understand the power of the enemy, and that Satan hates us and he wants to destroy your kid in the lives of so many children he is working through that lost struggle. So as a father I know I bring a unique perspective, though I don't have sons in my home.

I really can help my daughters understand the struggle man faces in the struggle that their future spouse potentially will face in his life even after marriage. And so, amen.

I've worked hard for many years to help our daughters understand love and the power of intimacy and understanding how things can go south really quickly and their dating lives and so I would challenge every man listening listen, you have a powerful voice in the room when it comes to the struggle of lust with you have a son or a daughter under your lead and so use that one of our foundational principles we talked about three of them. Number five is is you've got to be willing to go there you go to be approachable you have to be in Shockoe so as a man you bring that unique perspective to the table, specifically when it comes that struggle of lust of helping your kids understand how to walk through that how you done that how you talk to daughters about man struggle with lust. We in our home, have an open policy that nothing is off-limits. I remember when my oldest daughter was 10. She said that I need to ask you will important question. She came into my office.

It's in the book.

This is a great story. She passes the door and think to talk about her day, or new friend. She's met, she gets right up in my face and my anyone listening who does notice daughter you know she will call like she sees it. And she's right in my face instead have to ask you very serious question. I just need to be honest with me a September the question. She's not in, make sure you be honest with me and something okay where we go with the sentiments of the questions that she said that is it true that every 17 seconds guys think about sex and course among thing is probably more like 10 seconds and get on some word. Where did you hear this well she had researched a paper online and MSN ad popped up and there was every 17 seconds guys think about sex in a challenging moment, but a wonderful moment and think this is what we've been waiting for these the moments not so much the question about how often is that he think about sex, but I want my daughters to know that you can come to me about anything. Hopefully every parent listing would say they desire for the same, but have you clearly articulated that to your kids that mom and dad are here. We want to be the number one source of truth. We we may not have the answer but we sure them to go look for and we want you to see us as approachable as in Shockoe, so that open-door policy is so important for every parent listening today. It is never too late to open that door conversation. It just begins with authenticity and it may be awkward and you may sweat a little and you may want to go in the bedroom closet door and scream into the pillow, but your kids listen if you are willing to go there there to go somewhere and if they can't look to you who they can look to and so we gotta be that open-door to say you can come to me about Mary and I would drive in somewhere last night and I was telling her about something I'd seen online where guys were interacting on the subject of lust and sex and I described what I'd seen and she just looked at me. Unlike you guys are so weird guys talk like that they think like that. They say things like that. That's just so weird when you know what, as a dad. We have the opportunity to enlighten our daughters, even this weird yeah into to the fact that I know this seems unusual, and you might think dad's weird trust me, I represent half the species.

The guys at your school are thinking this way and you don't know about that. Yes, they are right or what you do when I'm thinking of many women that have come up to me and asked me I want my husband to talk to my kids about things I want there to be this open discussion that my husband will say yes and let me go talk to your mom about that he thing to sons and daughters co-chest as women when our husbands don't want to be involved.

My encouragement would be okay. Take what you have and work with it and so I remember my mom and my dad.

As I've mentioned already in our conversation today in our previous one that my dad was a man of few words, our member the sex talk. We had motor brother was there. We knew the talk was coming because can't motor brother heard my parents the previous night saying it was coming hardly slept at night knowing is coming. So the next morning. Cocoa puffs were in the kitchen. Dad walks and bless his heart.

You thought he to seen a ghost because he knew conversation he had to have and he sat down in Motorola's error on there and here goes the sex talk in my dad's not doing so well and so he went to Stockard. It was just a silly punch but there is mama and she takes over in it's the team and mom to this day.

Says she didn't do this, but oh, she did do this a few words rather than talking.

She took out a piece of paper and a pencil started drawing what I thought were very awkward pictures. I had never seen before. I wish we still have to show every never forgot the conversation didn't go well and they would've both said we failed miserably of never forgotten mom and dad love me so much the rent with me so much that even in the midst of awkward and weird looking pictures that I really never want to see again. I have never forgotten the conversation in the power that conversation that even though they were perfect at it because again success is about perfection is the pursuit mom and dad love you so much they were willing to have the conversation with us.

That's a mouthful and let let me ask you what were the things that as a mom you thought no Dave needs to do that. That's really in his job description and what were the things that you thought.

Now that's on me. I need you are raising three boys were certain subjects that you looked at and said I think really that's a dad's responsibility, encourage Dave and motivate him in that area, but then I'll own up to the stuff that I'll be my area.

Yeah, I'm pretty much an open book, and very open, and now my kids told me that I was a little to find talk about everything there like this is just weird with you I think when it came to physical sexual intimacy. Dave to get a man's perspective on when it came to porn.

I wanted Dave to talk to them about that and Dave and I would talk about it.

I feel like you really watch my dad which I don't think my dad really talked about any of that with my brothers. Maybe Dennis Rainey are assembly or male role models had a big impact on you and knowing like that's what you should do but when it came to those issues that like to be so good from a man I would probably walk into it, but I think yeah those are the ones that they just need Amanda lust and porn sexuality.

And what about the areas that you felt like as a mom. These are the things I need to make sure I told the boys if there's anything you here at school. If there's anything that happens, I'm always here for you. You can ask me anything and they would come home and say this is a word that I heard. I don't know what it is and I went happily explained that in the more embarrassed we are as parents, the more awkward it can feel that. I think it's really important just had that open conversation about everything because I said your friends are going to talk about. Yes and they probably won't have the right answer is no make up half of it and I will always tell you the truth I think that's important is Hughes the world is teaching our kids about sex and love and dating and intimacy, pornography, menu messages are given is a lie.

So you're right, you hit it right on the head. The world is teaching them so we gotta step in the classroom and realize every day. Our kids are coming to class is the teacher showing up so important that conversation, and as you said earlier they really do want to hear from us. They may not say it, but they really do want to know what what's mom think about this.

What's that, think about this and Bob answer your question from my side. I do think Jeffrey put this in your book. One of the things that I think and wanted me to teach our boys and this would be true for daughters in a different way. But for sons and you put this here, one of the roles of dad's to teach them to respect women, and deftly jumped in there and said here's what it looks like from a woman's perspective, but as a man, I felt this weight like it is my job not only to teach it, but the model it with their mom first but to make sure is there especially come 13 1415-year-old young men. This is what it looks like to respect women you put that in the book we live in a time where that is huge in our in our culture. So talk about what would that look like this of teaching our sons and our daughters what what should I respect that I should expect respect and how does that look and how can we put hands and feet to that may be as simple as just opening the door for a girl may be more intense as if I am a son and I'm taking a girl out on a date that I'm never gonna put her in an environment that could be compromising to either of us. One thing I tilting boys all over America you want to melt the heart of a girl you want to teach respect from moment one the next time you go out on a date with a girl before you ever leave the driveway, reach over and at this moment. I've got a couple thousand kids in audience sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to hear the boys want to know what they need to say the girls want to hear what the boy should say and so before you ever leave the driveway, reach over and grab the girl's hand and say a prayer with her and them the moment in the room gets quiet but you've just I just sent the message to boy to listen praying with the girl may seem odd it may seem weird but I tell you it's really hard to go there physically with her when you just lifted the date up to the Lord and in that moment you have sent the message to her without even saying it that whatever happens from this moment forward, I desire the respect you. I just say one thing to the men if that's son or daughter never sees you do that with his mom I mean you just have it you have an opportunity to show your kids what that looks like by grabbing your wife's hand in the kitchen so and praying at some of you again.

You're not doing that for them. This is an overflow of your own walk, but man to have the courage and there's some dad less than that of never once prayed with their wife and I'm saying today is your day like in today's your day be a man step up pray with you and maybe make it a regular thing and your son or daughter is watching they may just model it on their next date because they are copying what they saw on their own home, and I want to encourage women as whites.

If your husband is not doing the job you would hope that he's doing with your kids talking your kids praying with your kids leaning you kids having these deep discussions can I just tell you from one monitoring either don't belittle your husband in front of your kids because they disrespect that goes on there.

Your kids feel it may see it. I think I did that for years. Today, that if you can encourage your husband and tell him the things he's doing right that will motivate him go to God and pray for your husband. Pray for your kids and pray that God will just lead and guide you and protectand keep the goal in mind you want to raise successful teams and by successful, we mean teens who understand who God is. Understand who they are in a right relationship with him and are living that out in their lives. And if that's happening that's what we care most about. That's what's at the heart of the book, raising successful teams and it's a book or making available this week. The family like today listers any of you who would like a copy of this book, you can request it from us online@familylifetoa.com or call one 800 FL today with your donation were happy to send you a copy of Jeffrey's book again.

The title is raising successful teams and you can make a donation online@familylifeto.com or you can call to donate at 1-800-358-6329. We think this book will give you a game plan a strategy for how you can be most effective. As you take your kids through the teen years. So get your copy when you donate online@familylifetodate.com or when you call one 800 FL today to donate your family life. We then hearing from a lot of you about other challenges you have been facing in your marriage and family relationships over the last several months it's been a challenging season for many of us, and when were under stress when life is not as predictable as it has normally been our relationships get strained as we put together a resource we think is going to help a lot of couples were calling it taking your marriage from good to great.

This resource gives you access to a couple of online many courses, one on how to resolve conflict when it occurs in marriage. Another course called lightbulb moments in marriage those times when the light bulb goes off you go. I understand better. We got messages available for you from Paul David Tripp from Gary Chapman Bodie Baucom, Julie Slattery, all of these messages designed to help strengthen your marriage relationship, and we've got downloadable some printable's conversation starters questions to help take your relationship to the next level. A quiz you can take on being a good listener. All of this is available for you when you go to family life to date.com and register for the taking your marriage from good to great resource and as an additional bonus for registering for this content. You are also automatically going to be entered into a giveaway were to be inviting one couple who downloads is content to join us at family life for a family like today recording session and then dinner that night with Damon and Wilson so if you'd like to come sit in on one of our recording sessions and have dinner with Dave and them go to family life to date.com and register for the taking your marriage from good to great resource.

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We hope you enjoy the content and we look forward to meeting at least one couple here at a future family like today recording session and we hope you can join us again tomorrow when were to talk about how to get teenagers to talk a little better. You know, so that they're not just saying it was fine, but it's okay know you know the kind of one-word answers. We often get from teams. Jeffrey Dean is to be here tomorrow to talk about how we can break through that one jam with her kids. Hope you can tune in for that as well. I don't think our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Wilson and Bob Payne see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to day as a production family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow