Communication: Be Willing to Go There

When conversations between parents and teenagers start to bog down Jeffrey Dean says there is one tactic. One technique, parents can use that can sometimes break the logjam questions that great conversation start of asking questions, not questions that your kids can get a response with a yes or no answer. What I talk about in the locker room or what's your greatest struggle or who you want to be or with your favorite subject in school this year.

The opportunities are limitless, but we ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation sometimes controversial conversations symptoms. Our kids don't want to go there.

Questions can be so empowering and can show our kids well.

Mom and dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say this is family life to her hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson about the pain.

You can find us online. The family life to date.com what we do is parents when it feels like our kids are pulling away not listening to us anymore to talk about how we reconnect some of those broken bridges today stay with us and welcome to family life to day. Thanks for joining us.

I'm curious if we were sitting with a group of teen parents. Let's just say that a table, and there are 10 couples sit around and 13 parents and they said okay we just have a little bit of time.

Give me your one best piece of advice as I take my kids through the teen years.

Just the one thing would you know instantly what that one thing would be. I know for me yet. Yours is here with you. I'll start yeah yeah I got mine.

What would you okay I guess I have a few days so if you have been there and say the one in his hand.

This, in this I would say live your faith and love and live your faith and love and we've talked about that this week be what would you add to that my first thought was relationship relationship relationship really about. It's about teaching them in and modeling for them. But at the end of the day. They want a relationship with mom and dad, and that is going to be the bridge through which all the truth is passed on. If there's no relationship you're gonna have a hard time doing it. But if there is and I think it's on us as parents to pursue them for that relationship is her phone away, which they should, but we pursue them in a loving great way but men don't miss that. You get to build a relationship. I was thinking about we talk about this this week modeling for our kids what it looks like to walk with Jesus, but he stole it. But here's what I missed when I was doing it when I was raising my kids. I thought modeling for what it looks like to follow Jesus means always modeling what it looks like right when I didn't model will was how to handle when you blow it. I mean I didn't show my kids to know dad blew it.

Here's what confession here's what repentance looks like.

So I think I may have presented a glossy picture with with the bad parts hidden airbrushed picture which can cause your kids to go.

Dad never stumbles something wrong with me because I don't see dad doing this now. Let me know. No new bubble impedance in much so it was probably just listen while the truth is we have an expert in the studio with this we do and he probably has a better answer than all welcome Jeffrey Dean thank you for having me back on and why we call you an expert because you've spoken to over 4 million people about this topic raising teenagers parents kids in your book is just a it's a great work on raising successful teens so every parents wondering that even kids are wondering what the success look like so answer Bob's question what you think the most important thing for parents with teens and you can't pick any of the closeness that you all did a great job. Thank you. Can I agree with all three.

I would add to that.

Maybe the foundation of everything you said communication that we realize our our kids are listening, how are we using the privilege tremendous responsibility there watching Harley how do we work at communicating effectively. The things we want to say the things we don't know how to say, but we have to figure out how to say because our kids are looking for answers and if they can't come to us.

They will go somewhere. This is an important theme in your book, raising successful kids. We often feel like when our kids become teenagers the communication lines get jammed like they're not hearing us there.

Not understanding us there their stuff and their fingers in their ears and send leave me alone right how do we persist in ineffective communication with teens when it feels like it's all broken down.

We realize that exactly what you've described will happen and it will happen in a variety of ways and differently for each family. So we have and flow that we realize that how we communicated to them when they were adolescent when they were in elementary school is going to be different potentially a lot different than in the middle in their high school years and so we work to be effective communicators.

As the seasons change as our students change and I'm thinking this morning as my oldest, youngest daughter, rather called me from home. She's at home today in Nashville sick and so were talk about the Grammys. We love music and work talk about artist that went from year to year. Nothing how cool this is that my daughter wants to talk music with me and she has a much greater knowledge of music probably than I but what a great connection opportunity for me to engage in something that's important to her something that she finds value in and to just be on her level for a few moments and in a love that is so I think every parent listings I what is that thing your kids into that he or she does or likes to do.

Are you effectively living that out with them. If not, look for those moments. Even if there are small nuggets of opportunity just to talk about the things important to them. It shows the mom and dad are in with me and also as you think about communication makes me think this because I read somewhere years ago research with teenagers said the number one complaint of teens about their parents is hereby no yeah Eileen. I was sort of shocked but then I thought, this is so true and again they interviewed like a thousand teen said, and this is what they said.

My parents don't listen to don't really listen certain about communication. That's two-way so you know one obviously is us as parents try communicate but talk about.

I'm all ears used put that in your book.

When the commitments of a parent, I'm all ears, which is obviously listening. It's obvious from your story about your daughter. She feels heard even in just this area about music, but so how does a parent really make a teenager feel heard countless ways we could unpack your let me give you one this coming since all of us because we all eat dinner time can be connection time study shows the average family has dinner together less than two nights a week and were all busy.

I get up to 16 and 18-year-old living only played three sports there involved in student government, and sometimes it's crazy to figure out when we got to eat but dinner time can be that connection time and I talked about this in the book week. I have some some rules and in our home. No TV, no phones, we pray before we eat and number four no one leaves the table before they talk, and it's been really empowering and fun again.

16 now and an 18-year-old living home who still love point number four.

Around the dinner table. I want talk about my day, so we we begin early on in their lives in a parent listings. They may say we we we never done that before will pick it up where you are and go with it, of allowing opportunity for your kids to talk because you're so right, they need to hear from us but equally we need to hear from them. We learn we have learned so much about locker room talk about the best friends of my daughters, their families, who your kids sit with next to in the cafeteria says a lot about where they are spiritually and where they are in life and so we learn those things by just listening, looking for moments, just a listing to your kids. You can learn so much, and in return well just tangible moments to help you in the communication process of know how to respond to what they say in the know how to feed them spiritually. Now is really a priority for Dave and me.

It was hard especially when you've got kids all over the place in sports and extracurricular activities. So sometimes we would eat dinner at 9 o'clock because it's the only time we can all be together so we had a great snack and then we eat together coaches on conversations because I know for me that was fine.

I would just throw out a topic talk about drinking tonight when you're in high school. I know that you know this is going on here thought and by the way I be over there going.

Let's not talk about drinking and I was like I don't know if I want to go there tonight, but she was always there to hear what they're thinking I want to hear what their peers are saying and so I would say that sometimes if it's tricky for them to set your friend thinking about these topics you given my answer questions the great conversation started asking questions, not questions that your kids can get a response with a yes or no answer the question as to what I talk about in the locker room or what's your greatest struggle or who you want to be or what your favorite subject in school this year. The opportunities are limitless, but we ask a lot of questions at the dinner table in hopes of sparking conversation sometimes controversial conversations. Sometimes our kids don't want to go there while questions can be so empowering and can show our kids well. Mom and dad really do value my response. They value what I have to say is there a time and place where it's appropriate, eat wise to share our own stories. This parents have maybe our failures because that's always a risky thing like if I share my struggles and some of the sin that I got into will that make it seem okay for my kids to get into that often times in response to that topic of sex and dating. I don't want to go there. I'm afraid of what they might ask, don't want to bring up that topic because I'm not worthy because I filled in my dating years reminding every parent listening.

This is so important that it's okay to show your kids are vulnerable and that you are imperfect and to show them what you've learned from those imperfections. And while the story of God's grace and forgiveness on the cross and reminded our students that we haven't been perfect as humans. You are neither, but we are still in this together. So if your 12-year-old so so did you and dad have sex for you got married well would you say to a parent they just threw hardball you hit it yet.

I would see be honest, it's sometimes tough and awkward and may lead to another question may lead to a lot of question yeah but answering honestly well what a difficult equally powerful moment to show my kids dad wasn't perfect but he still here. He's willing to talk about those imperfections with me. That could be just really messy for some families listing right now, but it equally could be that moment to bridge a lack of communication and trust in the home in a way that shows your kids that your bulb or your real and God can heal all hurts and show the story of pain and forgiveness in your own life, and how God has used that to help you be an even better person and to grow your marriage and to help your kids potentially avoid some of those missteps along the way. I had a good friend that was really at that point where her daughter was pressing in and wanting to know her past and my friends don't know if I want to share that with her. I'm afraid of what she'll think of me.

I'm afraid what she'll do with that knowledge, and we had really prayed about it and so she didn't. She had that conversation. The mom cry like this is what I did. I'm not proud of it and later I talked to that daughter and she said I felt closer to my mom and I had ever felt in my life by my mom sharing. Not only that she had done, but her remorse and and I think that we forget that our kids love us to be vulnerable and Artie nova broken. They see it every day and ask, but to kinda be real, authentic, and share that I think it opens our kids up. Here's the fear. Parents have and you notice they're afraid if I say yes I was sexually active before I got married your father, your mother and I were sexually active before we got married that the kids are to look at the situation and go work out okay for you guys. Therefore I can go ahead on my date tonight and do what I want to do because it's going to it because I know you seem a little sad about it and might not be ideal, but it's all the work out okay. Anyway, how we deal with that fear.

What I think you guys have been pairs longer than I would. I would my response would be, and I would say I would say this that I can't parent based upon how I think my kids will respond to my parenting and there are going to be difficult moments they are going to be conversations that might not end well and will lead to other conversations but choosing to be honest is always the right way, even though it may not be the easiest way I did one time try to articulate that Bob because I was like I was feel exactly that if I say the truth that I was sexually active.

They're going to think what Bob said while your fine you know look your married mom and her is wonderful and and here's what came in I don't know if is the best way to explain it but I was talking about two things. One was sexual temptation. The other was pornography and I remember when we found pornography on our home computer and realize it was one of our sons. We had this conversation and he admitted that I broke into tears because it was that day.

You know were while my son is just stepped into a world and I broke into tears because it was the day I said to him. I've been down this road. I'm in tears because you've just opened Pandora's box. This is going to be darkness, son of walk and now I'm going to walk this together in the image that came to me about sexual to any sin really is. There's a fork in the road. One is purity. Let's say sexual temptation. Once purity one's impurity. What I think is trying articulate as I'm sitting on the road to purity now is looking to me and said you're okay, but what you can't see is their scars and blood all under these close because I've been so wounded. It's all covered. It's actually healed because there's a healer named Jesus, but I'm live I got my hand saying come down this road. Don't go over there is only scars come from that.

That's what I think has to be part of the conversation as a parent is yet to be honest and tell you the truth that I think you deserve that, but you also need to hear the pain the things nobody sees you think I'm all good.

It's not what it appears there's been some real pain and that you agree, like when I got here both sides. We talk about foundational principle is this week that we use to write this book. Number 5B and we got to be willing to go there and going. There doesn't always begin or may not even end and the way we want. But the willingness to go.

There is so empowering for our kids and we have to be willing to look past how again. We think there can respond what we have to say our kids seeing us as real. Seeing us as vulnerable and even realizing dad or mom blew it. In this moment we have no idea how the Holy Spirit can use our stories of Amar past in a way that can build a foundation of success for our kids that may have not even come in the same way. Had we chosen not to say anything and so I would just encourage parents listening today, though difficult to do.

Strive to be that parent that moves forward fearlessly and parenting meaning work to just allow yourself to be authentic in the way that you talk and the way you communicate in a way that you pray with your kids and the key to that and that's what we talk about this a lot of the book is getting in the word getting your family on the word and allowing God's word to build a foundation of confidence and peace in your home. Even in this these very challenging conversations because there is no one right perfect way to tackle these things but through God's word, leaving us, it sure gives us that assurance with your talk and enough parents to know that gender identity and gender confusion is one of the issues that parents are are concerned about and that kids feel like I'm a hold to a biblical worldview as a relates to gender identity and gender issues. I'm gonna be a pariah, be an outcast in my local school people do think I'm terrible.

You're raising two girls in the midst of this, what your coaching for parents as we try to navigate this it we have a chapter the book will be just tackle tough questions, get dressed and some of these questions have to do with a questions about identity and homosexuality. And it's tough to navigate that an essay in the book that choosing to stand biblically is not going to be easy think is important that we prepare our kids for this, and understanding that when you choose to stand for what is right. There is going to be a pushback and so helping our students understand that the world is not going to like your response, I think, is a critical part of parenting to many of these cultural issues that we are seeing flair in Christendom in the church today just just culturally secularly today and wow what a tough place for us to find ourselves in as Christ followers and families wanting to honor God because our kids every parent listing today you have a child who probably knows someone who's embraced an alternative lifestyle and so challenging and encouraging and taking your kids hand by the hand and helping them walk through this tangling season, wherein is not easy, but we have to be willing to go there and I get back to the word and what God's word said must be that foundation as we lead them in the conversation.

If our kids aren't agreeing with our biblical stance having that conversation at the dinner table.

How do you respond to that, I think, well, whether it be gender identity or whether it be how you handle curfew.

Of course there's pairs listing now who have those conversations all the time. I think it's important for mom and dad. If it's a two parent marriage to be on the same page publicly. Even if you don't agree privately and letting your kids see that you are in this together.

I think there are moments we've all been there. His parents were husband might say one thing and and and mama doesn't agree or or vice versa. But letting our kids see that were a united front publicly may be that we had have a conversation about that privately. But our kids need to see that unity and I think it's okay to tell our kids we might not have this all figured out, we might not know yet quite how to lead you nothing. It's okay to be honest and that and to be vulnerable and to let that conversation be one that continues to unfold as long as again God's word is leading and founding that conversation that that so critical.

We can't lead our kids in this amine were challenged. At best, and leading them.

It's impossible to lead them if God's word is not leaving. So if mom and dad are on the same page but your high school junior is Sandwell I'm reading this other stuff online from Christians who are saying this is okay, I hear what you guys are saying and they're not your your kids are saying this, but in the back reminder think in point would sure be easier if I could go with what I'm reading online then with what I'm reading.

Mom and dad. So if I can still be a Christian and still be gay affirming that's gonna be a lot easier for me as a kid that if I'm if I've got to say I think homosexuality is wrong that's going to put me on the outs with everybody. Some just looking for somebody will make it easy for me to say this and I want to be able to new guys out and still be a Christian but still be gay affirming and you're watching this is apparent you're freaking out or she got them.have on your free cafés you gotta do a lot private but this is where moms and dads get really nervous, yet they do.

I'm nervous as we sit and talk about is it's why we include in the book foundational principle number three that no matter what is culturally cool or accepted God's word is right and truth and absolute. We have to keep coming back to the word even though it isn't fun and even though it's uncomfortable and even though it may not end in a way that makes sense of our kids and so we stay the course with them and we tell them you may not agree with where mom and dad.

Land but our hope for you as we choose to take you as the subtitle of the book is how to help your child honor God and live wisely. The live wisely.

First comes from honoring God and so back to the word back to the word back to work.

That's our key that's our starting point with our kids in these very difficult topics you got three points that you kinda wrapped the book up with 33 things that parents need to kinda keep as a foundation what they're talking about share with our listeners what those three things are. So we bring parents through this journey in the book of talking about these variety of challenges and issues spiritually and culturally and I'm glad you brought a circus wheat we truly bring them to really the summary statement of the book number one, I'm all in, reminding parents listing today that your kids are counting on you there looking for you that story shared that just hearing my dad's voice alights on. Just knowing that we got the all right number two I'm all ears that not only am I all there is to be in a tented what's going on the life of my kids but I'm listening to the voice of God and he's leading me because why all his I am never going to be the leader.

God desires at me that he created me to be. If I'm not first allowing him to leave me as I leave my kids good and I now know what my next sermon is a vision from God.

Seriously those three points apply to our walk with God to how we parent and how we live in their powerful and and you say in the title last chapter parents never give up and I know there's some parents who were losing hope, watching their teens. I've been there. You just you think this isn't going to end well. They're never going to turn and there is a God says but God.

God can do something so don't give up, get on your knees and pray and start living out these principles from the book.

Get the book 1st read it and start living this out and ask God to do a miracle and he is the God of resurrection.

God never gives us permission to give up markets. Thank you for the book.

Thanks for the conversation.

Thanks for ministering to millions of kids over the last think you 3 1/2 decades. We are making your book available this week to family life to the listers who would like to get a copy they can go to our website.

Family life today.com to request a copy or call one 800 FL today. This is our thank you gift to you when you support the ministry of family life to do with the donation this week family like today's list are supported so your donations are what make this program possible for you and for others again this week if you can help with the donation, you can request a copy of Jeffrey Dean's book, raising successful teens go to family life to day.com to donate or call one 800 FL today make a donation over the phone and thanks for your support of this ministry. Thanks for your partnership with us here at family life to day.

Now we know from talking with so many of you over the years that this conversation we've had this week with Jeffrey Dean were touching on things that are the things that matter most to us as parents. David Robbins was the person family life is here with us today, and parents care about how our kids are doing spiritually how we are doing and discipling them. We want them to thrive spiritually as they can into adulthood.

Our prayer is Psalm 145. Often, we may not know that that weighs heavily on our hearts, but Psalm 145 says one generation will commend God's work to another generation.

And I love how Jeffrey coaches us that that happens through thousands of conversations with our kids over time and with a lot of transparency and honesty and dependency upon Jesus. I just want to take a moment to thank many of you who are legacy partners with family life you give monthly to help ministry like family life to day happen in a very similar way you enable us to coach families through thousands of conversations over time and every stage of life.

Thanks for being a part of ensuring we are helping families with a lot of transparency and honesty with a great dependency upon Jesus that we are grateful for those of you who have faithfully supported this ministry for so many years. Thank you for your partnership with us and we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together one way or another with your local church this weekend and hope you can join us back on Monday when working to talk about how couples who experience conflict over money in marriage. They really need to understand that the issue is probably not money. There's a deeper there and Jeff and Chante Feldman will be here to talk us through that on Monday.

Hope you can be with us for that as well.

I want to thank our engineer today.

Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Payne. We will see you back Monday for another edition of family life today. Family life to day is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow