Why Couples Struggle to Talk About Money

Some couples realize they have issues regarding money in their marriage but as author and researcher shot. He felt this, when those couples sit down to try to get help for their money issues. They find that the help they're getting isn't really addressing the core issue is all about.

Here's the technical ways and here's how you can, you know, here's some of these principles for building up emergency savings is that we found talk about my need to begin with any of that stuff. Well, this is family life to date her hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Payne combined this online family life to date.com. Some couples have real live money issues to deal with before you start to tackle those. Ask yourself this question how good are we at talking about money talk more about that today and welcome to family life today.

Thanks for joining us. I have a presupposition I will start today with see if you agree with Bob's free so here's my presupposition. My presupposition you you talk to people about what causes conflict in marriage or talk to divorce attorneys about what are the issues that bring people into their offices and you will hear God's children it's sexual intimacy it's money. It's communication. I believe that there are oneness problems in marriage that manifest themselves in all different areas of our lives, but ultimately what you're dealing with you when you're dealing with problems in marriage are not money problems or kid problems or even communication problems there oneness problems. You're not one as a couple and that's just showing up that's being exposed in different areas. These are wise as we could just say amen the shows over the other amazing insight you'd like to share with you as we begin today's program that I agree that I'd also say we fight about money. You guys do you like like still today 40 leaders don't talk about it now.

I mean honestly with Doug about this today and it's a great topic Doug about, but it's something close to our heart. I bet you every couple would at least say yes.

We've had some real doozies over this thing called money. I think I used to at the weekend, remember, say, there are some people who who believe that credit cards need fresh air and sunshine every day. Well other people are married to her more on the thrifty side of the street is that okay so now were seeing where the conflict comes in well you want to introduce who we got deal with us to this discussion, we got Jeff and Chante felt hot in here and there are friends, not to laugh. I also saw you elbowing each other. Yes other similar patterns in the field on marriage to what there are the will submerge well.

I like to think of myself as being careful with money.

Perhaps keep driving that he has his own me of another approach to spending. If so, you guys decide to write a book about this topic called thriving in love and money, and many know you as authors you sold many many books we honestly for men only for women, only two of your saved our marriage, is that I love that we plagiarize you some time, but wanted things we love about you is your books are written based on data you know so it isn't just opinions. It's databased and it's so true and set and again and we didn't mention this I I honestly believe the best teenage book I've ever read for parents is for parents only, I quoted all the time and tell people to do it. We just wrote a book on on parenting and we used your material all throughout. Hopefully you got out how many books that he written some of the assets that the other day. This is some horrible but I'm I'm not sure actually doing research, I think, like if you count Mike Bible studies and stuff maybe 25 is incredible for me to look back and mean my very first I sat here in the studio 22 years hard to believe that, is that it's amazing and so someone might think okay the phonons wrote a book on money in marriage is that because you have problems in your marriage about money, I let you start out nicely.

To be candid. This never was a topic we even had thought studying which tells you just sort of how backward we were in this area and this is the one area in our marriage. After the studies which we incorporated into our so not on the same page on this topic really wouldn't fight we just didn't talk about just avoided it entirely, but you had strong feelings about it. Based on your faces.

We had assumptions about what was going on inside that other person somehow your managing it.

I mean, you may have a strong feeling, but what were you having months where you were looking at the checkbook and going… Or not. Really it was more hey you dear thing over there. I'll do my thing over here and will just sort of get help with her to get back like we talked about.

We have to, but we really don't like it because we have such different values in different areas and how did you write a book on this topic share that because it really was a got notice is drawn on the question this really honestly this is a supernatural story because it was really clear. I feel I got wanted us to study this and probably guinea pig number one because we needed it so badly that the short version of a long story is not after our last research Facebook was done we had no clue what we are such that it was the first time in 20 years that we had no idea and the business model had changed were we had no money to do a research project and publishing changed so much and if these studies are incredibly expensive and you're talking 5060 $80,000 to get really good rigorous data and we thought you know what were never to be able to pay for this again God you want us to do some now suite. I can go get a job somewhere like you know I don't have to keep doing this and we started praying very specifically after the previous book launch March 1 was when I went Lord, I have no idea and March 9 out of the clear blue sky. We got a call from a company that we actually never heard of at the time called thriving financial and financial services company that sort of national and they said look we are citing an initiative we know that money is a huge issue in marriage and we don't think it has to be. And somehow you make feel that making this your next research project and is funding it was believable and you can keep all your independence. You know when I can try to steer you in a direction to find something that would work for us wherever it leads you. That's where you go I was unbelievable and we looked each other we start crying because I'm like so clearly it was his answer to prayer. And then we went oh shoot it off sliver of fear that started to come up with absolutely one I thought is we talked about. I said you know we are the perfect people to do this one because we want to get to the answers we want to do the research, we want to be rigorous and we are like case study number one not to do and how you handle money in a relationship so that your relationship thrives. Instead we lived two separate lives along that way and what would happen is even that was to separate lives. It wasn't like it was neutral. What would happen is Chante would choose a particular course of action usually around spending and mine would be the other and I would have a certain temptation I would literally in my mind would go.

She's doing that because she has a character flaw. That's with the bucket I put it in is certainly not spending is the most godly way in the right way and it's really interesting that so we were digging into and the research.

It's not how to have a great budget because there's plenty of wonderful resources out there. You wouldn't want our advice on that.

Anyway, this is how to have a great relationship around money and it comes down to it turns out understanding all that stuff that you're thinking and all of these sort of underlying actors that are going on under the surface. If you have any idea that you thought you had this character flaw. Oh, he never put it that way but you know you see the smirk facing you see the what you know and I would not have been able he would not have probably been able to articulate it that way until we started, and I would not have been able to articulate when you talk about. For example.Spender saver dichotomy which is by the way, extraordinarily common in marriage because even when you have two savers, usually one of them is more than a span of us better than the other.

See almost always see this and I wouldn't of been able to articulate well.

I want to be wise with money to of course, but you got also says that he's come to give us abundant life, and you can trust him to provide and what about that guy is stored up all the money in Barnes and the never got to enjoy it and shouldn't we be, you know, give yourself some grace for that.

Like I never would've been able to articulate that either. And so that was one of the things that was so transformative for us to suddenly we had a language to talk about it. I remember talking to a wife who was so frustrated with her husband. This couple was $25,000 in debt. At this point in their marriage. It was a source of great anxiety for her. Much less and they were at church and there was somebody that night who was talking about the work that they were doing in Africa and she watched her husband pull up the checkbook and write $100 check to support this work in Africa and she was freaking out thinking where $25,000 in debt and you think God wants us to spend $100 to help people in Africa. When I got credit card people calling me said once the next payment to come do this is how the reality of this works out in so many marriages so many well and here's basically what we found. The bottom line that was so helpful is to recognize if you any tension around money which most people do not everybody. If you have any tension about it or to or avoid it whenever it's not about the money. That's right at the beginning of your book that I want to know what in the world is at me because honestly you found that out from research so if it's not about money it's about analyze. Dave and I live because we need. Honestly, the thing that was really incredibly powerful for us was recognizing that when we're avoiding talking about it which is what you have to do when you're avoiding that and that it's not about the money. What is it about it. Turns out it's about how many makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel and about all these expectations running under the surface that you don't even know were there. In these worries and insecurities and beliefs about how many should work. All of this other stuff. Once you understand it's saying how talking kinda comes naturally well and the fact is that most of us don't understand that sort of stuff and statistically 77% of couples. The research found. This couldn't talk about money or money issues without a level of tension and discomfort. So Sanchez you guys an interest for me is the guy when I would always here talking about something helps. That really didn't help me because in order to talk about something one I need to try to understand my spouse which I found difficult in a lot of ways, but as a starting point understand myself in order to be able to articulate what I was feeling and I couldn't do that in this area and it wasn't until all of the research. All of the focus groups. All of the interviews that I began to hear things from guys all over the country that I went. That's me, that's what's going on inside of me and now I think about it and went into things I found is that there were very few things that were gender related. By the way, in the surf you, but it is mostly nongenuine related.

I know that we got to the point again I never get to the root of this we didn't talk about it except in anger, which was sort of base and fear. But here's here's how bad it got for us and again there wasn't a surplus of money. So when we would pay the bills back in the day when you wrote checks. I would literally hear and paying the bills.

The check ripping and I'd have to leave the house.

I couldn't hear that sound, I got so scared. I get depressed. I'm not sure these checks are all going to clear. I wish she's not even paying him what, but of course we have to pay him know why she panel, by the way, because I can't even really I say, and the only reason I started paying the bills was because when our kids were little, it was Christmas. I should do our Christmas shopping for the kids in one day and so I've got this cart is just jampacked at Toys "R" Us or whatever and so I get that you line behind me. I've been waiting in line so I get up there. I am due my credit card and the cashier gives me this kind of embarrassed look and she says oh I'm sorry that credit card and so you know you get the people behind you and I'm starting to sweat a little. I handed her another credit card and she says I'm sorry okay that's enough so I have to leave my car I go home and I say today like nothing more like what happened what happened was we had a bunch of bills that don't stick because there were insufficient funds because Dave hates to pay the bill because it creates so much stress is so common not believe how common that it is so we didn't talk about it just sort of fought little snippy fights and you know I live in a world I cannot talk about. It's okay, but that the at least do the bills so that they're getting in on time. Then they would hear the red and then he did force us to say this is some we have to talk about.

So what does a couple do, how to they start talking about while the most important thing is to recognize I guess at what's going on the surface and we identified most of that. Probably not all of that, we identified five of these big factors I guess you put it that tend to be very, very common with people. It's interesting, by the way, Bobby said the thing about oneness, and that was one of the factors, please don't keep don't be smart is everything in it is really interesting and one aspect what you mean about oneness, so it turns out we are avoiding being one in marriage anyway and it's coming out how we handle money and that example of Jeff and me. Sort of. I do my thing over here. You do your thing over here and and this is extraordinarily common this about half of all couples who have separate bank accounts for convenience and convenience involved. I don't deny that. But like significant non-access bank accounts like at least we tried to do money together sort of where we could each access each other's bank account, but half of couples. That's not the case with like you pay your utilities over here you paid these. I'll pay the mortgage over here and literally some young couples are like. Could you then Maumee $52 for the your half of the gas bill rising for you to find out. Yeah yeah yeah that really was surprising… But it's taking it to the next level and it's it's really interesting. Some people listening to this may go me you know I don't I don't have that issue with oneness.

You know we we share the same bank account and you don't, maybe it's not a big issue for you, but maybe ask yourself, do you ever try to pull the Amazon package off the front step before your spouse sees, though they do not know what you ordered the same level of just trying to do what you want to do that causes other people's house entirely.

Why did you have to go just a little too close.

Many tears here's one of the things he said in the book. He said here's the key. If you aren't thriving in the love part of love and money. It will be difficult to come together enough to do the money part well and unfortunately that right there is where a lot of people live where in the charter. The church world. It has been all about. Here's the technical ways. You do a budget and here's how you get out of debt and you know here's a some of these principles for you know, building up emergency savings is awesome.

But what we found is that if you can't talk about money to begin with. You don't do any of that stuff.

Well all is predicated on the ability to talk about it, which likely said 77% can do and 23% can like the people are listening to this were in 23% like you happily skip to budget meetings like I'm so jealous of you. I really AM but the rest of us. We need a little help and you provided some help not only the book but you've got an assessment, but we got a link on our website a family like today.com where people can go and spend a few minutes going through this and get an idea of where are the strengths and weaknesses. Where are the challenge points. The tension points. So if you think we've got tension here, but I'm not exactly sure what it is or why it is or where it is. The assessment will help you put words to then categories to what it is that your experience, just say I am taking the assessment. But if you're thinking about assessment. I don't know because I know that you won't like what I see and I've I've learned enough to know this would be one of the wisest things you do because it's going to start a discussion yet would be scary to be awkward it may be really hard. It may even you may end up in a fight at some point, but once you get reality in front of you with your spouse that discussion and my right leads toward freedom. It doesn't.

And you know me and I'm like you, Dave, and that I I kind of liked living in my world where I was correct in my perceptions of how money should be handled and how shocked he should adopt my view. But that's just not reality and what that does is it keeps us from becoming one.

It keeps me from learning how God made this person that I'm married to.

So differently following the size taking assessment give us a little baby step of what something we can do that. We just get us started on the right path so probably let's start with taking a audit of where we really are in this oneness thing. How much do we really kinda want to do what we want to do with money and the assessment by the way, will help with that but you you will just learn on that side like Dave what you said that I don't want to know what I'm doing wrong. It will also identify the things you're doing well like what are your areas of strength that you want to keep going on and we are you starting because if you guys know we Don't want to do what we want to do and that's a big area to work on. If you all can then go okay. Are we willing like, especially during a time of economic uncertainty like what we've been through. I mean seriously. A lot of people have to talk about money for the very very first time, and they've learned but they don't know how the place to start is going. Are we willing to do that to get date is pretty amazing. And as you look back to God brings this money to you to do research. None of us knew what was about to come now in our world.

And now you've given a gift to the world to say were all in our struggle everyone and there's a gift to help you navigate forgot want to go out of that. That's a blessing from God and and to go again to family like to day.com to take the assessment online to see how you think differently about money and then to get a copy of your book thriving in love and money. In fact were making the book available this week to family like today listeners a good like you to copy get in touch with us go to family like today.com or call one 800 FL today if you can help with the donation for the ongoing work of this ministry will send you a copy of Jeff and Chante's book as our thank you gift for your support of the work were doing your family life to day. The assessment is free online. The book is our gift to you. When you donate to support the ministry of family life to day again. You can donate online@familylifetoday.com or call to donate at 1-800-358-6329 one 800,000 family L as in life, and then the word today. I think what you guys have written about in the book is going to be a breakthrough for a lot of couples who find themselves in conflict and they think money is the issue, but this is going to help them see there's more at play here than just your bank balance. So I hope our listeners get a copy of the book again. It's our gift to you. When you make a donation to support family life to date this week. By the way, because we know that a lot of couples have been under a time of stress in recent months, we put together her family life. A an online resource that is called taking your marriage from good to great. Were making this content free to anybody who would like access to it. You can go to our website. Family life to day.com there are two online. Many courses, one about resolving conflict in marriage one called lightbulb moments in marriage. In addition, you will have access to messages from Paul David Tripp Gary Chapman Foley, Baucom, and Julie Slattery as well as a number of downloadable resources available.

All of these designed to help you shore up the foundation of your marriage if your marriage has experienced some stress and pressure. If you felt that in your marriage. This is a way for you to breathe some fresh air back in to your relationship and it's all available for free. It's the taking your marriage from good to great resource. When you sign up to get the content also can automatically enter you in the giveaway. One couple is gonna be chosen to fly to family life to sit in on a family like today recording session and then to have dinner that night with David and Wilson so we thought that might be an extra incentive to try to get you to work a little bit on your marriage go to family life to day.com to get access to the taking your marriage from good to great and then maybe we'll see you here is our guests for family like today recording session and dinner out with Dave and again all details are available online@familylifetoday.com no purchase necessary.

You can see all the rules online now. Tomorrow we will talk among other things, about whether our personal view of money and finances, is shaped more by our life experiences or by our personality and temperament, Jeff and Chante felt on will be with us again tomorrow.

Hope you could be with us as well like our engineer today.

Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson and Bob Payne see you back next time for another edition of family life today family like to day is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow