It’s Not About the Money

When life gets stressful. Husbands and wives often respond to that stress differently, researcher and author shall be called on. Says when the stress is around money. Those different ways of dealing with it can cause isolation in a marriage when you've listed times of economic uncertainty. Like many of us have lived through and when you talk to women like my husband is walking around with the black cloud of doom over his head and used harassment tensing is never here and were missing all this time as a family answered in a lot of men there backing away from the cliff by spending a lot of hours at work were taking all the extra overtime hours they possibly can.

Well, that takes them away from the family. This is family life today. Our hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob pain. You can find us online@familylifetoday.com. Often when there's conflict in a relationship about money. The real issue isn't the money. It's what financial pressure is doing to us talk more about that today with Jeff and Chante felt stay with us and welcome to family life to.

Thanks for joining us.

One of the misconceptions. I think people have about issues related to money and marriage is that if you have lots of money you won't have money problems you worked for years with professional athletes, many of whom have plenty of money and you've seen them still have plenty of money issues in their marriage. Relax above is true. If you have more money you don't have money from sister truths. You do know that I actually believe that I actually had that I didn't know it as a child, but you know I really thought if you just have enough in the bank. If you have the security that even if your problems are not that bad and your Zechariah Bob working with millionaire athletes. Some of multi-multimillionaires.

It's no different.

They have money problems in it isn't spending or not having the money in the bank. There's fights there's tensions there spheres it's it's really no different as yeah we've seen that for years and so it's deeper than money. As we've already been talking about. We have been talking this week about money and love and how all of that works out and we got some friends. Friends of yours and friends of mine you happy friends with the phonons Jeff and Charlie filled him back with us and family like today.

Welcome back guys. I'm thinking of how many of our listeners have benefited over the years.

From the books the Jeff and Chante have worked on together.

Chante started with for women only years ago. Then there was for men only, and then there was for parents only, and then the kindness challenge and good news about Mary.

I'm thinking of all of the things we talked about over the years because you guys really are kindred spirit with whom we are here at family life and our goal here family life and in writing this book. Your goal was to help people pursue the goal of oneness pursue love in the midst of challenges that finances can throw our way and in the issues that get revealed with you know it's interesting when with your lead-in story about the professional athletes. It isn't about the money and you still have money problems. If you're wealthy, but there was one interesting thing that we did find out as far as there is a certain threshold of how much money and cushion that you have. What we found actually was interesting as it doesn't matter how much money you make. That's the big lie is if we just had more. We would be fighting. You know whatever it turns out that's not true, it doesn't matter the level of income you make. What matters for your relationship is 20 are living below that line. In matters whether you're building up some sort of a cushion and have some sort of margin because it turns out it's not just protective fear finances to have emergency savings. For example, it's protective family heads and turns out. If your car breaks you don't start fighting with your spouse about whether they should have spent all their That New Parachute.

As You Know, It's Wise for Finances but A Lot Of Us Didn't Realize It Was Actually Good for the Marriage Isn't to Build up the Cushion. What We Found Is Even More Important That Trumps Building the Cushion Is to Be Able to Talk about It and You Will Find This Fascinating Days with All the Multimillionaires You Guys Have Worked with over the Years Is That We Actually Found Statistically. Yes, You Have More Cushion but yet Can't Talk about Money.

Your Relationship Is Worse. While I Looked at the Statistics That Came Back and Some of the Spreadsheets and I Went Way That Has To Be a Calculation Error like It's Showing That Your Relationship Statistically Is Worse Than If You Had Way Less Money but You Could Talk about It and Ran It Again and No It Was True. I Was in a Small Group Study with Couples Years Ago and We Asked the Question If Things Got Really Terrible and You Had to Go into Survival Mode Is a Family.

How Much Would You Need Just to Survive and I Civil to Take Your House Out Of the Equation and Figure You Own Your House so Mortgage Is off the Table Pretend to You This Is What You Need Just to Get by and I Was Curious to See As These Numbers Everybody Submitted Their Numbers Independently.

The Loan Number from the Group Was We Could Get by on $400 a Month. If We Are Our Family If We Had to and We Were Just down to Okay Were Going to Mac & Cheese and Rice and Beans and Were Just Working to Survive with What We Got the High Number Was 3000 a Month We Would Need 3000 a Month to Survive and I'm Thinking to Myself You Guys Have No Ideas, There Are People in the World Who Have Never Seen 3000 a Month Their Lifetime. And You Think That's What It Would Take You to Survive.

You Have a Miscalculation about What Survival Means. But We All Have That Kind of Calibration in Our Head and This Goes to Something You Talk about in the Book. Some of This Is Not Related to How Much Would I Need Some of This Is How Much Would Make Me Feel Safe. Windows Fear Kick into the Equation. That's One of the Key Findings from This Right.

It Really Is. We Found That When You Talk about, like We'd Said before When Having the Tension around Money or Avoiding It. It's Not about the Money Spent All This Other Stuff and One of Those Other Stuff Things Is That It Turns out That There Is under the Surface. Some Very Hidden. I Guess You Don't Necessarily Talk about These Fears and Worries and Insecurities That Run of the Surface Half the Time. We Don't Even Know Their Neighbor and It Turns out Those Even Though We Said Earlier That Many Things Are Not Statistically Gender Related.

Most of the Time That All There Is One That Is Actually Quite Correlated with Gender and It's Not Hundred Percent of the Time, but We Found Roughly about 70 to 80% – of the Time. Men and Women Tend to Have Different Insecurities and Different Fears and It's like a Raw Nerve That's Being by the Other Person Because They Don't Have That Same Year. So What Are Guys Afraid of What Is the Researcher so It Shows That That Man Thing That Is the Most Pulling Them Is This Feeling of Am I Going to Be Able to Provide for the Family. It's Day Here so Deep and It's Almost like the Analogy That We Use in the in the Book Is It's like a Cliff like You Know That Feeling. Maybe I'm the Only Feeling When You're for Afraid of Heights and You're Standing on the Edge of a Class Any Source You like It, Magnetically Pulling at You like It's Somehow Fall over the Edge and Die and See Try to Back Away from You and She Had Put A Lot Of Distance so You Don't Feel That Pull like It's about to Happen. Men and Women Tend to Have Two Different Cliffs.

Men Feel This I'm I Going to Be Able to Provide for the Family. Pulling Them You Guys Feel That Sure It's Multiple Times Today Even Though It Wouldn't Necessarily Be Something That I'd Be Able to Say Yes It's in the Front Part of My Brain, but It's Definitely There in the Back of My Mind I Say All the Time and It's Amazing to Me to Think Women Don't yet Have the Same Level of Fear.

Well Here's the Thing. When Then Because of Some Women Listening to This Might Go. I'm Just As Worried about Money like I'm the Saver He's Suspender Yeah Okay That's a Different Thing.

Believe It or Not, We Can Be Just As Likely to Be Worried about Money and Not Have This Level. Since We Are about to Die Because This Is a Very Guy Feeling and Again This Is Not Hundred Percent Is like 70 to 80%. There Are Exceptions, but Most of the Time the Feeling in a Man As I Am Not Going to Be Enough to Keep My Family from Falling and We As Women Tend Not to Have That We Need to Worry about the Technicalities but Not Because I'm Not Enough. So What Your Fear Women so Our Cliffs Turns out, Is Not Are We Financially Okay but Are We Okay MI Enough to Keep My Husband Engaged by Me like This.

He Really Love Me Are the Kids Feeling Loved and If You're in a Season and This Happens in Normal Light Prosperity Times, Much Less When You've Lived through Times of Economic Uncertainty, like Many of Us Have Lived through That There Is in A Lot Of Men There Backing Away from the Cliff by Spending A Lot Of Hours at Work Were Taking All the Extra Overtime Hours They Possibly Can in Order to Put Distance. Well, That Takes Them Away from the Family and When You Talk to Women and Their like My Husband Is Walking around with the Black Cloud of Doom over His Head in East Ross Needs 10 Cities Never Hear and Were Missing All This Time As a Family. The Answer to. Are We Okay Is No and so What I Want, Will Often Do to Try to Build That Emotional Security in the Relationship That Sense That We Are Better Were Okay.

She'll Want to Do Things Together. She'll Want to Do Things like Go out to Eat like She'll Want to Do Stuff to Go on Vacation in Your Eyes You Felt to Draw You Closer Will Guess What That Stuff Often Involve Spending and so That Pushes Him Closer to His Class so He Tries to Back Away More and Spend More Hours in the Office and Then She's like We Need a Bigger Vacation, and This Is Literally Just Us Not Recognizing like the Guy, Not Recognizing We Mean You Really Feel like We Might Be Pulled over the Edge of Our Relationship and Die like Our Just Because I Drove Away Angry after the Argument This Morning.

You Really Are Worried. It Was an Argument and Her No, like This Is a Real Thing. This Explains so Tonight Little Story from Our Own Life Any Our Kids and Our 20 and 17 Years Old and Where Self-Employed Were Entrepreneurs so We Don't Have the Coal Industry for A Lot Of Call Health Insurance.

It's Basically Every Doctor's Visit Is Out-Of-Pocket for Us.

We Have High Deductibles. All of That Sort of Stuff. So over the Course of Our Marriage Is the Kids Are Growing up. Eventually Once Every Couple of Months Kid Would Come into Her Bedroom Late at Night and Say Mom. My Throat Hurts to Which Chante Goes into Overdrive Mode and Thinks I Need to Call the Pediatrician Take Them to Get a Strep Test in the Morning.

I'm Thinking of the Last 10 Strep Tests Have Shown so Therefore Just Wondering Will Likely Be Negative and It Will Cost Us $100 to Find out That It's Negative so I Would Tell Her Little Pioneer Children Run off Every Time They Had a Sore Throat.

They Died Work so Well You but What Happens Is What I Didn't Realize Was That She Was Being Pulled over Her Cliff That Something Is Going to Happen to the Kids and She's Letting All of These Thoughts Begin to Cascade in Her Mind of All These Awful Things That Could Happen If We Don't Identify and Get Them Better from This, Strep Is That What I Was Willing to Do Was I Was Willing to Pay Money to Really Be Reassured and to Me It's Not Wasted It's Worth, It's Totally Worth It and See for Me. I'm Thinking That That Hundred Dollars Spent in the Strep Test Coming Back Negative.

It Was Wasted Not like I Would've Rejoiced Differently Because I Would've Gotten Our Money's Worth. But Nevertheless I Didn't Struggle with the Same Things. She Was Struggling with, so I Didn't Understand Her Motivation. You Didn't Know What I Was Paying for.

I Wasn't Paying Just for the Strep Test.

I Was Paying to Be Reassured That They Didn't Have Strep and I Wouldn't Have To Spend the Next Couple of Days Going.

Should They Be Going to School Are They Infecting Other People If They Sang Home from School on That Have To Get Somebody to Be with Them Because I'm a Big Business Meeting.

I Have To Go to like There's All These Things That Pop up and so Paying That Money to Be Reassured That They Are Okay and That I Don't Need to Do All of That Is Totally Worth the Young Married. I Hope You Are Tuning into This Stuff This Is Good.

Dave and I on Again a Little Too Excited about Our Honeymoon. Dave and I Went to a Lake in New Hampshire. But before We Got There We Went to Boston Spent the Night at This Great Hotel We Got on the Subway. Neither of Us Had Ever Been on a Subway We Both Grew up in a Little Town in Ohio Sort on the Subway. This Is Exciting or Newly Married Just a Couple Days and We Get so Lost in My Mother Lost.

I Think This Is a Great Adventure. This Is Awesome What Dave Keeps Getting More and More Mad and We Get Back to the Hotel Room to Tell a Story. I Thought about This and for You to Say This Is so We Get Back to Hotel Room and He's Just He's Frustrated. I Said What's Wrong and He Starts to Cry. Now I'm Thinking in the World and He Says I Don't Know What I'm Doing. I Don't Even Know How I'm to Be a Husband Taking This Coming from.

He Said I Couldn't Even Get Us Back to the Hotel without Help. And Here I Am Coming to Married I Have To Hear the Word Proof behind for You. I Will Have To Have To Provide for Them and Anything and I Miss My Little Brother That Died and I Flabbergasted I Don't I Don't Even Know What to Do, Mike, and Here's My Thought.

We Can Do Anything Together As Long As Were Together Working to Be Amazing in That Didn't Comfort You at All Because You Are Thinking. How Do I Provide That of Course Going in the Marriage. Then We Been to the Amazing Weekend to Remember Two Weeks before That. They Say That Night Almost and I Remember Even at the We Can Remember Feeling the Same Just a Little Bit and This Came out Later, Sitting in the Men's Session on Sunday and Now I Teach It How to Be a Godly Husband How to Be a Godly Data Member Thinking I'm Overwhelmed. There's No Way of Never Seen This. I Don't Know What This Looks like Two Weeks Later I'm Am Literally Sobbing on Our Honeymoon.

And Here's the Thing. I Just Think When Answers a Story Is Never Gone Away. That Fear Is Still There. Deep down, to Provide to Be What She Needs to Be with the Boys Need. It's Never Gone Away.

And That Is What Women Don't Grasp like We Don't Grasp How Deep That Goes. How Real Is on How Your Big, Strong, Confident, Looking Husband Is Really Doubting Himself and Has so Much Vulnerability and It Wasn't until We Started That Researching a Number of Years Ago about Men and Women That I Started to Realize This Is so in Jeff Every Day and He Runs so Many of These Money Decisions to This Grid Is so Emotional That I Have To Be Tender with Fat like I Have To Recognize That It's Again It's Not about the Money. I Know Were Broken Record. It's It's Really Not. It's about Finding out What Is Going on in His Heart and in Your Heart so That You Can Be Tender with Those Insecurities Because in the End, What Matters More Mean Is It Having the Perfect Finances or Is It Having This Great Intimate Close Relationship or You're Just Trying Your Best to Build up the Other Person in This Area of Need and at the Same Time You Know so Here He Said I Shot Him Thinking It's on Us Guys to Do the Same Thing Back Correct Because I Easily Would Dismiss Anne's Desire and Need to Be Together with This, Just Doing I'm Leaving You to Go Make Money to Provide for You That Should Make You Feel Loved and She Is Long and I Got Rather Just You Have Your Own, and I Only Think That Speaking Gig to Get Hundred Bucks and I'd Never III Pooh-Poohed Her and Said You're Wrong on Right Rather Than Theirs Are Wrong Right Here There's an Understanding That Hearing One Another and I Think When We Respond in Anger to One Another. We No Longer Can Hear We Can Only Hear Our Internal Thoughts of How Right and They're Wrong.

And Even As You Guys Share Heaviness of Providing My Heart Wants to Get beside You and Partner with You and I Think That That's Really Important Even for Young Couples.

I'm Thinking Even As We Coach. These Young Couples in These Young Shanties in These Young Cats You Know, What Would You Say to Them If You Had to Go Back into Your Young Years. What Would You Have Done Different. Will You Know It. Quite Frankly, What Chauncey Actually Did Do A Few of Those Times Was What Is It Okay so This Is What You're Struggling with. This Is What Year Your Kind of Fearful of Happening.

How Can I Alleviate That What Can We Do, Let's Sit down and Be Able to Talk about Some Things That We Spend Money on That You Think That I Think Is a Necessity, but I Would Be Fine with Cutting It Out Of Our Our Budget Cutting It Out Of Our Life. What Are Those Things That Will Lessen That Pressure on You That We Have This Not the Cover Every Month. How Can We Reduce the Size of That and Not for You Well and It Wasn't Just a Technical Thing. One of the Things That Made All the Difference. Jeff Said, Is When He Was Working All These Brazilians Are Is in New York Trying to Pay down Our Student Loan Debt. I Never Saw Him We Were Newlyweds. It Was Really Emotionally Difficult. As You Can Imagine. And Finally He Said, Do You Think I Want to Be Working This Much I'm Doing It Because I Care about You Right Which Is What I Wasn't Feeling Loved and I Said Honey I Want You to Know Because He's like If You Wanted to Live in a Doorman Building and You Wanted This You Would like. I Will Go Live with You on a Farm in Iowa and Be Together and Sons Were Together Need the Doorman Building and I Don't Need This, You More Than Anything You Can Provide and That Changed His Emotional Sort of Feeling of Pressure to Some Degree, and I Believed Her and She Meant It and I Knew That She Was for Me and That She Was Willing to Do Anything to Get Me to a Position Where I Didn't Feel That Struggle Is Intensely Notes Is Because the Way I'm Wired. I'm Going to Feel It's There, but It's Intensity Was Certainly Lessened by That Made You Want to Have That Same Kind of Understanding Back to Honor Some of the Things That Really Mattered to Me. How Beautiful Would Be You Know You Think about Philippians 2 I'm Sure You Member the Passage in Paul's Readiness to a Church about Unity but Is What We Talked about Link of This Book Is to Want so If There's Any Encouragement in Christ Any Comfort from Love Any Participation in the Spirit Any Affection and Sympathy with This Complete My Joy by Being of the Same. I Having the Same Love, Being in Full Accord and of One Mind, and Men of All Areas of Our Marriage Been One Mind It Is like You Said Is Not about Money but It Is about Money. But As for Its Understanding One Another in Regards to the Server in a Marriage You Think That Any Really Tries to Get a Foothold in This Area I Think Is Huge. When We Talk about Satan Being the Prince of the Power of the Air. It's like I Say Something Travels to the Air and Suddenly You Hear Something Different That I Didn't Mean It That Way. How Often Have We Said That and That's Why It's so Crucial to Start from the Understanding and Believe the Best of the Other Person's Intentions.

They Love You They Care about You Have To Assume That in Here's Here's One of the Advantages That We Have Is People of Faith, People Who Don't Have Any Sort of a a Faith Relationship. They Can Take This Information and They Can Apply It in Their Marriage and It Will Help. There Are Kind of Techniques and Tips That Can Be Gained and You Can Apply Them and It Will Help, but How Much More Should We Be Rejoicing Because We Not Only Have the Research and the Information We Have the Holy Spirit That Is Sent to Lead Us into All Truth and That Is Truth about Who God Is, but Also about Who My Wife Is or Who My Husband in Her Case, and We Can Rely on That Holy Spirit to Help Us Understand and Convict Us When We Are Wrong. What an Amazing Thing to Have That.

I Also Think You Knows I'm Old Enough like We All Are Going to Davis but I Think I'm Guessing You Agree and I Don't Even Know of Your Story, but at the End of the Day What I've Learned over 40 Some Years Now Walking with Jesus and the Holy Spirit Alive in My Life Is All Those Fears I Had about Money and Not Want to Talk about It and Almost Hyden in Those Than Karen and Myself. I Look Back Now and I Realize I've Said It. I Preached It but I Had to Feel It and Know It Can Be Trusted in Him in Our Finances. I Remember All Those Nights Literally Cannot Sleep Eyes Wide Open.

She's Sound Asleep beside Me. She's Not Think about This Word about This, and Only Awake When Our Relationship Is True. Please Avoid Moshe. I Look over How in the World Can She Not Be Feeling the College Can Pay for College, How You Know All You Pay the Mortgage and I Look Back in My Every Single Money Fear Government Sometimes in Miraculous Ways. But Sometimes It Was You I Took a Speaking Gig or Whatever, but It Was. I Look Back and Say He Can Be Trusted, and I Want to Say That to You. He Can Be Trusted. I Know You're Laying There in Bed at Night Just like Me. He Can Be Trusted Talk about It. You Need to Talk about. It Should Be Hidden As We Talk about, but It Did the Day Go to Get a Nuisance to God, Please Take Care Of Us.

I'm Tanya. I Will My Other Thought Dave Which I Think That Is so Good That You Shared As I Think for Me A Lot Of Times I Need to Come to You and Apologize like Apologize like I Didn't Get It and I Think Maybe Some of Us As Listeners Can Think How I May Need to Go to My Husband or Wife and Say I Just Didn't Get It.

I Thought This Was about Money and It's Much Deeper and I'm Wondering If We Can Start a Conversation That If You Take the Assessment That Is Online That Will Help You Understand How You Both Think and What Your Fears Are and What the Issues Are When Some People Are Going I'm Nothing about Assessment Because of Just Open a Whole Can of Worms Are Just Rather Sweep It under the Rug. Well, Okay, That's a Strategy You Write.

How's That Working for You, but the Other Strategy Is. Let's Pursue the Kind of Oneness in Our Marriage That You Were Describing from Philippians 2 and That's Gonna Take Being Honest with One Another and Opening up on Some Things and Confronting Some Things in Our Lives but Look the Pay off Their Is Worth It and That's What the Books All about. That's What the Assessment Is about Is to Help Couples Find Love and Money Working Together Because Thank You for the Book and Thanks for Being Here and Hope. Most Go through All of This Things in the Pleasure Always and I Hope Our Listeners Will Get a Copy of Your Book Were Making Available This Week to Any Family like Today Lister Who Would like a Copy If You Can Help with the Donation to Support the Work of Family Life to the Book, Is Our Way of Saying Thank You for Your Ongoing Support of This Ministry Begin the Title of the Book Is Thriving in Love and Money, I'd Suggest This in Addition to the Book. Make Sure You Take the Online Assessment of Family like to.com That Will Give You Insight into the Different Ways You Approach Money and Think about Money in Your Marriage Relationship and Then the Book Is a Great Guidebook to Help You Have Some Good Conversations about All of This in the Book Is Our Thank You Gift When You Donate to Support the Ministry of Family Life to a We Are Lister Supported Your Donations Are What Have Made Today's Program Possible and We Will Say Thanks in Advance for Helping to Make Tomorrow's Program Possible. When You Donate Today Go to Family Life to.com or Call One 800 FL Today to Make Your Donation to Family Life to the We Look Forward to Hearing from You.

David Robbins, Who's the Person of Family Life Is Joining Us Here Today and Money Tension in Marriage Relationship Tension. This Been an Issue for You and Megan Ever Think Money Is Always an Issue in Most Marriages, and It Certainly Has Been for Us at Times and Now Myth of the Time That We Find Ourselves in That 70% Will Not Be Intentional. Talking about It to Stuff It Was Stuff in It Right Now or in the Season Where a Word Document Because Were in the Process of Moving Them. There's House Decisions, Living out Her Values Are We Making Wise Investments. To What Extent Do We Want to Put into It. To What Extent We Want to Say There's the Whole Reality That I Have a Really Old Car That I'm Just Trying to Make. Keep Going and How We Approach That You Know Here's the Bottom Line for Us Though.

You Prioritize Oneness, Intermarriage and Money Is More of a Heart Issue Than a Finance Issue and so Therefore Talking about Money and Continuing to Cultivate Oneness in That Space Is Really Important Because Our View of Money Is a Window into a Much Deeper Part of Our Heart. It Brings up Issues of Fear and Hopes and Dreams and How We Think Reality Works in It for Megan. I Am the Season We Are Fighting Hard Not to Let the Enemy Drove a Wedge between Us like You Would Want to so Much and This Is Where I Think the Assessment We Talked about the Jeff and Chante Put Together on This Issue Can Help so Many Couples Again. It's Available on Martin Family like to.com and I Hope Our Listers Will Take Advantage of That Resource of the Other Resources Were Making Available This Week. Thank You, David. Not Tomorrow Will Talk about How We Can Lovingly Correct Our Kids When They Need Correction Because There Are Times When They Do We Need to Make Sure We're Doing a Way That's Pleasing to the Sam Crabtree's Gonna Be Here to Coach Us through the Can Be Back with Us for That Think Our Engineer Today.

Keith Lynch along with Our Entire Broadcast Production Team On Behalf Of Our Hosts Dave and Ann Wilson about the Pain.

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