Feel It to Heal It

One of the reasons why some young girls grow up with a superficial spirituality instead of an authentic Christianity is because they've never seen their moms grappling with real issues in their own lives and seeing how the gospel applies to those issues. Here's authoring counselor Tara Matson that this is seen most often in Christian homes would be Atlanta performance-based Christianity pressure to be perfect. This doesn't look like the gospel that performance-based just a lot of pressure, you need to look the part. This is family life to our hosts are Damon and Wilson on bobble peen. You can find us online@familylifeto.com Tara Matson believes that our daughters need to see says their parents grappling with the real issues in our lives and living out our faith in the midst of those challenging issues will talk more about how we do that today. Stay with us and welcome to family life to date.

Thanks for joining us your your mom of three sons and a granddaughter yeah you loved being a boy mom you like grazing. It was good at it and wish did you ever think I didn't get a daughter what's interesting. I had a sister and two brothers, and we had between us. 12 grandkids for my parents all 12 are boy your kid so I thought I was going to have the last one with the youngest I thought this will be the girl and know he's all boy did you grieve it all daughter cited my sister both grieved because there was a real loss of not having a daughter because it's fun to raise boys you love and raising boys, but there is something especially as the boys get older they claim to their wives which they said so there's a sense of loneliness having a granddaughter some great daughter lies but it's a little different now that you have a granddaughter experience to be magical so interesting that I never had the sons is I see my granddaughter watching me everything. My sons never watched Boxing Day.

She watches me put on my knee. She stares at me when I do my hair this he never stops talking conversation to talk about what it is to raise the next generation of Christian women, godly women and we've got a friend is joining us to do that. Tara Matson is here Tara. Welcome to family life today. Thank you for having Tara and her husband live in the Pacific Northwest. She is a writer, a conference speaker, a counselor, and her book courageous is anything else you do and your mother of two, two girls right in the thick what you wrote about in your book being daughters rooted in grace, you talk about the fact that all women are daughters this is that I'm really addressing the roots of every woman in the needs that girls have whether we are 65 or we have five raising daughters today. In this era. In this culture does it feel different. There are some fundamental differences in terms of their voices were hearing the pressures but the core of who God made us hasn't changed and that's the piece that I want to really draw attention to you that the needs of who God is and who he made us to be changed and so how do we address it today with the different voices and what is it in your life that make you passionate about this subject such a question. I would say that over the years. I didn't really set out to be a voice for women that my personal journey as I was raised by dad wanted boys football player and he had two girls and he raised us to be. I could throw football ideas for seeing and getting my own fashion. All those things where part of my growing years and wonderful parts. I think it gave me a lot of strength had a very involved, the piece that I missed was appreciating my femininity and understanding what it meant to be a woman I've been woman in the midst of many men for most of my life that is had me in and around letters.

The church staff have been invited into the leadership room and I'm the only one man and so had to learn how to use my voice and counselor.

I just spent the last 20 years listening to women at six years old. Talk about the woundings of their story and not have anywhere to go and then a 13-year-old girl coming in and confused about her sexuality and just everything in between. And just heard a consistency of women being really feeling really lonely, look the part, and so people assume I'm okay and for years I had hidden life and struggling with bulimia and nobody knew I was the quintessential leader and helping everybody else and that was a part of what drew me into wanting to going to the confidential places with people and give them a sacred space to listen to what they're struggling with. And where they're hiding and I just think that being a girl who didn't have a voice that didn't go competent and not and then coming into my own voice. God is using to help girls in the church and women to be able to find ways how is it looking at two women here who are both leaders in ministry and we have two men on the side of the table. What's it like being a woman with men in ministry. Is it hard is it fun as it struggled to be honest there's a lot of second-guessing and wondering if what I say is going to be heard. I would say I experienced that myself, but I've heard it from hundreds and hundreds of women, whether it's a wife, or whether it's a female leader as part of the leadership team. So it's a lot of second-guessing, wondering if I would be told that I'm too emotional to passionate and I think I've been around a lot of really great men who have given me and fan the flame and said Tara what do you think just like what you're doing right now that has really helped me build my confidence in saying that God has given me a voice and nine and something to share at the table that's taken years to build my 40s and said to do it now, but when I was in my 20s at the table. I was quiet I was listening and I would go processes my safe people and say is this appropriate to say I wasn't confident enough to bring to the table and feel that in a room with women that was just bleeding usually with women you know, it's very different. I would say that same thing with women.

There is a freedom never calculated my words before I spoke but I wasn't as wise as you were, because in my 20s I was very verbal and focal in the midst of man, and I think some of that was shot down and so then I would walk away, second-guessing thinking I should've said that what should I say what is appropriate. How am I being heard and so he started to second-guess yourself of who you are and how you should act with men in leadership, especially so here's what's interesting to me about describing this because I'm hearing you talk about the important need think that you have and that we all need for women to have strength and have a voice.

We need women to have a voice almost. Do you need to have a voice and to be at the table and to be a part of shaping what's going on in the world at the same time you're talking about the need for women to understand femininity and wish you both." That sounds like it's two different things. But you would say no.

The two different things that you're picking up on it because I think that's the confusion it's gotta be either oriented and that's what happened in my own story that wasn't really the core of my wrestling with bulimia. List the struggle with my body and my emotions.

The femininity side of me.

I didn't know what to do with my emotions. Nobody trained me and helps me when you said you can even express. Everything was fine with a positive Cannondale no, as much of emotions until I got married anybody's certifying and I think it's deathly say Jeff married this woman.

He was so loving and compassionate. Now he's got 20 years later, deathly using my voice, and applicant arena back a little more humility go back to. Why didn't you use your voice or having motion back when you were younger was this a woman thing they might just be a family thing only thing that I think wiring wise women because of God's design. We do have more harmonious and a lot more emotions at the forefront.

The variety in the mood swings do happen and it gets used against us, rather than validating just think that's part of the journey.

I want to teach women to appreciate the humanity of how God made us in the beauty added versus the laugh about it. We see Max and he gets knocked. I remember when we would sit at the dinner table with the four kids and my parents and my sister who is six years older than me, was in the room and my brothers would say let's calculate how long it takes before we can get our sister to cry, and so there would be a competition, they would say things to get her to cry and I remember thinking they will never get me to cry and so you learn to be tough and put a mask on and hiding our femininity, so the leads are cereal with body image. I struggle with insecurity. I struggle with sex addiction. I struggle with. I can't speak up with my husband and I feel like he's too powerful with me whatever the leads are the real it is. I don't know how to process how I feel and I don't know how to put a voice to so we have to learn so I want to go back to teaching these girls and it starts with mom. She's watching your daughters watching and learn how to process our emotions through our parents and it's not to blame his team but it saying we have to feel it to heal it and I got tired of hearing the sermons that emotions are bad because when I read the Scriptures.

I see a lot of emotion coming from the web never projects are emotions are good. I probably said some things about the need for us to trust our thinking more than we trust agreement, I would simply need to hear both.

I would say that emotions are sitting to my left and my cognitive thinking is sitting to my right and my spirit is sitting across from me like that you need to hear them all but dismissed one person at the table is doing.

As discussed outside, remember that in fact I remember an interview we did years ago with this Robert Holcomb who was the president of Columbia Bible College and seminary for years.

He told the story of being on a trip with his wife and she was expressing her emotion and he was doing what husbands are all too often going to do the logically explained to her why emotions were not rational in the middle of the conversation. She stopped him and she said Robertson logic isn't everything that emotions are nothing that I remember him telling that story. I remember thinking I would tend to say yes logical you should listen to the a lot more than you listened your motions and that story was a good realignment for me to say your motions are God's given you to give you data input so that you can make a decision. Factoring in both what you know and what you feel to make the right decision. Did that help you with your daughters help me with my wife could help me with my daughter and I think it helped me understand your point. What we just talk about emotions are not the enemy. Emotions are not something that are invalid.

Emotions are a data point that come into the equation that we've got to pay attention to when your motions are pinging, that's giving you information that's giving you that you need to take into account and should not simply ignore and so I just need to say with what I'm thinking no your motions are trying to give you some kind of a data point. So what does it feel it, heal it to me. Well, there's two sides to this many women like me jump over the emotions dismiss it and then we just move on with life is going on and so there's no time my kids, my spouse's needs. Everyone needs around me and I'm used to attending to everybody else's emotions. What happens as a result, if we do that it leaks and we find ourselves way down the road in my office, processing, ending up in an affair ending up struggling with a lot of self-loathing and comparison game very, very, very dangerous over time of dismissing our emotions so the five step process that made sense to me. And again, because I'm used to talking from the logical down into the emotion step line is I need to be able to identify emotions like language, so a lot of times were just what is thought that I'm feeling right now. I don't know your frustration a lot from somebody doesn't know how to articulate their emotions.

That is frustrated make sense. It's like a log and middle-of-the-road go anywhere.

So yes you're frustrated but there's more there some building some vocabulary and I want that for our girls but we gotta start first in her own life you that like if you were counseling someone and they're just kind of venting in their thing. You're thinking okay I need to verbalize feelings. How do you do that I'm tuning into your body language more than I am to me into your words so I might notice your eyes start tearing I see what's going on and you might deposit set up and married and you're focusing on the content you're going out to your motions.

Now the next question is where is it in your body. This is a funky part but this is the piece in the file to hear what you gotta be aware because a lot of us you don't process her emotions are holding it in her body sick at the back and shoulder tension job I mean yeah and we realize we are actually feeling stuff in the room and pretty soon that over time is again creating funky things I've lost four key perfect beautiful teeth, not by cavities but by clinching. I've broken the doctor or the dentist will say are you stressed out think I don't think he's like but obviously something is happening because I'm not processing the pain or distress, or we're absorbing the world around us.

Most women not all but most women were caretakers and so we are taking it all on and feeling it all until you hear guys telling you something and then I would say if you're ready to process that it would give it a chance like a song like King David write a song give it words name but it's all in job or talk about your excitement wants to hear it all you want to hear nothing more for my girls to come to me and tell me what's going on deeper places so you didn't experience it as girl growing up are you expecting I was your daughters you been able to change the when they come home and they say someone is super mean to me today.

Yeah, and my tendency is to be too busy for that given the really fine like I'm the second depth kind of that's my Ponce and the Holy Spirit quickens me to say what they need and they need me to get down on my knees and to look him in the eye and just listen to them and let them process and when you process it will not end up in their body. It will not leak out in the funky ways that we see with our kids. The kiting eating disorders sexuality. Those are emotions that are trying to get herding cats…… So were connecting the dots something very simple to all his parents are trying to prevent the say if we can help our kids process their emotions and safe ways in our marriages as well that we might see some of the reduction of some of the behaviors we see our dad's important in this two dads and daughters are huge. I just felt uncomfortable with how much dads are getting blamed this, it was the moms that I was hearing. So I sat with the 55-year-old woman and we talked about her family of origin. We talked about what was woman has modeled how did that luck was mom was what she was doing what she wasn't doing how she processed her emotions, how she used her voice again use her voice as she was abused but wanted something different for her daughter and the cycle continued. So that's where the heart of this came from mice, even though dads are huge self-confidence into girls. They help us to feel as equals. You know when a dad says think about that political issue and then letting her talk and process even if it makes no sense. Moms are the ones that girls are watching in terms of what is it mean to be a girl until what are the issues today that you think we need to address this and help this with our daughters does it start with our daughters or to start with us if it starts with us. What we do. My biases it starts with the good news is is that relationship is really the core. So if you have a relationship with your kids, then that really trumps a lot of things in a relationship is tuning into their inner life. Caring about their emotions not just praising them for what they do for who they are and so the issues I've seen most often in Christian homes would be a lot of performance-based Christianity pressure to be perfect. This doesn't look like the gospel in my mind performance-based just a lot of pressure, you need to look the part, and feeling lonely and so kids are on social media. We know that in their more vulnerable a lot of confusion and a lot of mistrust of those that they don't have a relationship with. There's a lot of abuse happening peer-to-peer abuse happening because parents are not as involved there on their own social media they're all checking out there's something that has to shaft with mom. What is she hiding is a common theme is lot of women have friends that they don't have a friend who knows everything about them knows how their marriage really is going on so I would to start their life are you telling everything to it, such as on listening excess income just listening to two women now it's good it's not what I would think if I see the title courageous. That's what I want to hear you say because it's like oh when using courageous women skip over this and be strong in years trying to say no. This is a big part right to become a courageous woman be able to recognize your own humanity courageous woman is open to saying I'm a human being. Staff instead of pretending like that stuff doesn't impact me or God's got it all. Yes, he dies. But you gotta do your work, so the story is the idea that God uses the achy in her life wherever that's coming from. He uses that to grow the fruit in our life that we gotta hand it over and oftentimes we shut it off into the side.

We think nobody can smell it and it's the reality is it still there and we can smell it and who can smell it the most. Our kits yeah is interesting.

I'm speaking to women's retreat, and I really do this because I have so much in my own past of self-loathing and the rise that would go over and over in my head, never realizing that so many women are doing with those lies in their head and so I asked the women to take out a piece of paper and write down the lies where they were repeating over and over in their head, whether now or in the past are both write those down into a piece of paper and I had them visualize just handing it to Jesus because there lies our soul. Satan is the accuser of the brethren, so he's constantly repeating why in our past in pain from other people overhearing those lies then follows up and take them to the cross, which is on the floor and just drop them on the floor and we did some other things after but when everyone had left.

I was the only one in the building and I went to the cross and I read these pieces of papers and I'm telling you it was just one lie was a multitude of lies. I'm ugly and fat. I'm worthless and you know and I just sat and I prayed there were hundreds and I sat there and wept and prayed for each one that God would reveal the truth to these women because they are in bondage to the lies they can't be free to be who God made them to be until they deal with issues and pain in their lives and so hard and they see the tears and it's heavy and that's the way that's where this book comes from sitting over and over and thinking UFT since yeah you been mocking Jesus for half price.

Still, I think that's part of the message of grace to St. arson Amadeus with us till the day we go to see Jesus.

And I think there's a message in the church assess the more mature you are, the less you struggle. I'm believing that daughter Bridget and Grace is courageous she can stand before God and say I'm still struggling.

That's why need you yeah and I want to shift that just a little bit because there's even seeming going. I still have the lie so the lie that comes from me is that I'm alone to fight that fight in my marriage to never have made the fence literally write these things down over and over and over mature to be able to come right back to the lies of what we do with our pain. We have to have safe people. In addition to our walk with God and that's the part I'm really asking a courageous woman to do this to say who are your safe people have you let a couple people in outside if your spouse let a couple women in and let them see all of who you are. It changes you think there's a seem to think that to be courageous means that when fears or laws or negative thoughts come you compartmentalize or ignore some downright that's what it means to be courageous morning today is that to be courageous is to say no.

We we moved into them. We address them. We take them on.

We don't pretend like they're not there or they don't matter what courage is to dive in.

That's central to what you're saying in the book courageous being daughters in grace to book with God in our family life today. Resource Center blisters can get a copy want to go online to family life to the.com or they can call one 800 FL today to get a copy of Tara Mattson's book courageous being daughters rooted in grace again.

Order online@familylifetoday.com or call to order one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word goal or mission here at family life is to help moms and dads, husbands and wives. Everybody in the family help them thrive by creating an environment that is spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, physically healthy. We want your marriage and your family to be a safe and healthy place. We will help strengthen the foundations of your relationships and we recognize that the best way to do that is to address the spiritual issues that are going on in relationships. Our team was put together a resource that were excited about. It's called take your marriage from good to great when a lot of marriages have been facing stress and pressure over the last several months we've all been facing about them so this resource has a couple of online video courses audio messages from Bodie Baucom and Paul David Tripp Gary Chapman Julie Slattery downloadable e-book. All of these resources are there to help you work on the foundation of your marriage together in a way that is fun and engaging and relaxing can listen to these messages together go through the courses online together. It's all 40 and when you sign up for the take your marriage from good to great resource to get the download, you're automatically entered in the contest.

Somebody's name will be drawn and you will be our guests at a family life to the recording session will include dinner with David and will some night will cover the cost of flying you in the hotel the rental car to purchase necessary. The contest ends on August 14. Restrictions apply.

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In addition, were making available this month as a thank you gift a family life today listeners a copy of my book clubs like you mean it. It's just been out a few weeks now.

The book is all about how you build a marriage that has the kind of strong, enduring, committed, real love that goes beyond just the emotions of love goes to the root of the book looks at what the Bible has to say about what real love looks like looking at first Corinthians 13 and is our gift to you. When you make a donation this month to support the ministry of family life. This ministry depends on your donations affected were able to have this conversation today is because so many of you in the past have made a donation to make this conversation possible. So if you can make a donation today. Be sure to ask for a copy of the book love like you mean it is a thank you gift. You can donate online@familylifetothe.com or you can call one 800 FL today to donate. We look forward to hear from you.

Look forward to having somebody join us at an upcoming recording session for family life today and we hope you can deduct with us again tomorrow. Tara Mattson will be her again and will continue our conversation about what real courage looks like.

As we raise our sons and especially her daughter's that's really the focus this week so hope you can to infer that engineer today.

Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast team on behalf of the hosts David Van Wilson and Bob Payne will see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to the production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas ministry help for today hope tomorrow