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August 7, 2020 2:00 am
There is a special relationship between a father and a daughter, but only a mom can model feminine integrity—how to live in accordance with God's design—for her daughter. Terra Mattson, author of "Courageous: Being Daughters Rooted in Grace," explains why daughters learn more from what they are experiencing than what you are teaching.
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To raise sons and daughters who are emotionally healthy. Tara Matson says we have to be moms and dads who are emotionally healthy ourselves. If you do not know your own inner life. You can't have somebody else that you cannot give away what you haven't received and that's part of this process for month and we have to understand is going on inside some right knee doing to make your own work in understanding your own childhood what it was like for you to be a daughter. My ditch apparently painted for that. This is family life today. Our hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Lapine. You can find us on why the family life today.com your spiritual and emotional health is not just about you it's about everybody who's around everybody who's watching you and learning from you.
That's why it's so important to authentically address the issues in your own life. Talk about that today.
Stay with us and welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. I know I'm about to say is probably to get me in trouble and so you record. I want you to fill in the blank like I now working to fill it in this, that person is a real drama blank cleaning.
So how come we never say that person's real drama King and Obama never thought about that my entire lien, King is on the right doesn't King but yet there is something in us the things drama queen when I try to save up your sort of making an accusation there. I I said this was good get into trouble. It is so were talking about what it means for a woman to invoice all that God has made or to be as a woman than his daughters who understand that and there are some as as my son likes to call them. There are some generalities some stereotypes that come to play in this and part of the reason there are stereotypes is because there's something behind the stereotypes we got an address trying, especially when you say drama queen as women heard that many triggers. Just when was in trouble because what happens when we hear that is we squelch our emotions, our feelings because that seems like drama and especially men don't like to be around, so do you think we can help both men and women today understand, I hope.
Sorry, we can help you guys know by the time things are over to the man that he would want to love your wife or your girls or your colleagues then listening. Tara Matson is offering that advice to her welcome back to family life to think she's written a book called courageous being daughters rooted in grace. Tara and her husband live in the Pacific Northwest.
She's a mom of two girls. She is a speaker and a writer and the counselor and she understands and has written about how women are processing what it means to be a woman in our world today.
A godly woman in our world today rooted in grace as the subtitle of your book and how to deal with the reality of your femininity and the cultural implications of this essay that really are our core passion is helping meters live with integrity shrinking the gap between who we say we are and how we actually live and so when I am addressing laymen.
Specifically, it's really looking at the same as when and how we actually limping and in practice.
What is that actually look like in our hall masturbating girls and a systemic shift that's happening when we say something at church, but in her own home life looks very different when I want my daughter to be a strong girl to seize her place that I struggle like that myself. I want her to have healthy relationships that I don't even have good friendships.
I wanted to not be bullied that I struggle with bullying other women, myself and those are the kinds of things that I'm bringing up in this book.
So in some ways it's very similar to what men struggle with because that sounds like a lot of things that I talk to men about, but it's the same thing for women in my right or is it totally different. We all know that that's true, but I think little girls are really in tune to watching their moms and so I think you're right. When we say you should stick up for yourself and she's thinking I've never seen that in you, what will she do, you will see become who we say she should be. Or we should just become who we are, let's go there. So if you're godly Christian woman telling her daughter stick up for yourself and your godly submissive wife how to stick up for yourself to your husband's pride in like a very big word right there.
I mean you are called we are all called to be submissive to Christ and submissive one another, but it is definitely some godly Christian woman has to struggle with. I am trying to honor my husband and what he's asking. And yet there are times I feel like I don't have a voice. And yet, until my daughter to have a voice so now it's spot on. And that is the struggle and the culture is telling her you speak You take the bull by its horns and you make it happen. That's not necessarily gospel version of trusting God as well on that word submission is that the document yeah that's a loaded word asset is okay I talk about that in the black.
But really, those are a lot of words that relationship words and when a woman understands that in the context of a loving relationship so much easier to submit. That's true of our children see when they know that their love thing now, so if a husband submissive wife learn to love her and to know her and to know her yet. Listen to her voice might have to put up a similar notions. I seriously hard. I think you're right though, in terms of being submissive it comes to relationship to you when we feel and known and seen and heard that we have to have that but I'm saying it makes it a lot easier and makes it a lot and I think there's this misunderstanding or miss belief that to be submissive this quiet you never speak you never lose your voice. I remember meeting we had not too long going to church with room of all men, and they wanted him to be there because this is sort about me and about us in the future bubble bath so I think you are the only woman in that room probably 15 men were hashing through different things and at one point, I mean an hour in a lot of strong opinions going back and forth between us and then in and she wasn't sitting beside me. She was sitting in front of me so I could see her. She can be strong at times she can be courageous and she just goes hey let me ask you this question that so interesting.
I didn't hear myself out like that.
This is an interesting question.
It was gentle but firm. It was just like I did. I am observing something. Help me to understand am I seeing this correctly, and when she said that I first saw this old boy. What is she doing because the guys were almost pushed back and wonder she was strong, just like she saw something she spoke it out in she was spot on exactly what was happening in that room and no guy could see it or they would not address it until she spoke it and then it's almost like a meeting was several hours nothing happened until that was spoken out. Then we had a constructive conversation never just sit there thinking that is the beauty of having a woman in this room wasn't in there. I don't know if we ever gotten to where we need to get to, but I just appreciate the way God made women and so my times are not invited into that they can't sit at that table, but she was invited into sit there and some love and respect everyone and that really appreciate the relationship as I watched.
I was thinking, talking about this, I may not see, and so when I asked it I realize they don't see it was an emotional level of discussing the case seeing and feeling much happening in the room but no one had recognized it until it was pointed out which was interesting. It is interesting and what you're speaking to is the way God made our brains different from guys and this is what is so fascinating that the science that backs up the fact that we are different very clearly different. Our brains are interacting both halves of our brains are logical and our emotions are firing back and forth all the time and were picking up on perception and what's not being said, whereas that's where people say that men are in the waterfall or near just with whatever is in front of you right now and so you are bringing the whole courage to speak at because you had relationship with these men in the way you said it was giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they don't. Now I've learned over the four years married probably took me 10 years and I hope the last 30 have learned this, I want to know what she thinks about our family every time she has said in an early day she would say you see this almost like she'd never like how you not see this.
And then she realize he doesn't and I realize I don't. And so it's like was going on with her kids. She knows what's going on. I don't think she knows and I used to get mad like oh that's always happen.
I realize, oh my goodness.
God is made her feel and sense and I just need to go you okay, help me, help me understand that I think every husband, every man, and I'm not not just speaking to men, but man, you should draw out what God put in your woman, your daughter, your wife, your mom and say teach me probably seen and are tuned into something that you are missing and if you listen, everybody's going to benefit and that takes you. I love that day because you're saying they're offering things that you don't see, so pay attention and applied that in her instead of being skeptical at times.
It's great. He's super positive. I can remember when our boys were in high school. I remember this when this one son. He is not doing well in Davis. She hates it when I say those things. He said talking about. He's a great kid, Mike. I know he's a great kid that I really don't think he's in a great place.
Someday would be so offended that I would kind of take this route, we would pray earnestly together that she was right. Right. Seems picking up again on that inner life, the parts that we often miss kids working at the outer life and I am very skilled in looking really good on the outside and compartmentalizing and so it's not a male-female ratio. I think the more skilled in becoming compartmentalizing and fighting the easier it looks to the outside but you are picking up on something in morning telling and tear sign in and takes over all. You are like one of the things our kids.
Now that their owner have criticized us in our parenting is they said you were so concerned about the outside image of what we were doing. Instead of thinking, why are you doing that's what's happening on the inside. Speaking behaving this wrong manner. How do we get that we got into our kids in their lives without then getting defensive or not, especially their teenagers and I cleaned during mom combine. It looks like listening, slowing down and be slow to speak. It means do I have my own identity in Christ. Apart from my children or is my identity wrapped up in my children Dale Holman that's hard for all of us and it's a constant process for asked that Tino my girls playing sports just plain sports, allowing you sir.
Try not to take it on your own versus just be what it is in their own person and so that's something. Step one. We have got to work on Anne's parents say where is my identity. I can tell by my emotions cognitively like.
Of course I know God loves me, but when it comes down to it if my son or daughter struggles. I still believe that I'm lovable and I still believe there lovable and I I think the sampling to fact is constant with our children, it's that I love you honey understand what's going on and actually takes exhausting work as a parent to sit down and call it the sandwich with something to say I love you help me understand and I love you okay you are is more important to me than what you do you think that the gospel graciousness and that God definitely cares about what we do. You let Marcel he cares about me.
I asked to be experienced in the home, not just talked about in the home that I tell a story of my daughter Natalie hiding cookies in the closet and see stuff those cookies label we found that she was gluten-free at the time and so she was hoarding in your counselor you think everything is like that but there is this pull in me of what is going or just wanting to go right for the behavior she's hiding, she's lying, cheating, to learn quickly and so I got these two extremes right next to process so we go is for you to say the cookies yes so great. She just is on July the cookies she cousin Cozzens opens right up and shows us we go any this morning the cookies in my mind us to you. Okay she's forcing insulin consequences. But in that moment something.
I spent the same test stuff like you (even though she did something wrong and affirmed that she trusted us to tell us the truth because I she's 15 I wanted to tell us the truth so were practicing when she's for you.
Love you and thank you that you told me and trusting me with tests and how you feel now that you told us some good. That's what I want our kids to experience what it feels like to come out and mean no even in our mistakes and our struggles and have someone tell you they still love you not take this forward essay of a 14-year-old daughter and she has just sent inappropriate pictures to a boy and you've caught her. She hasn't told you caught this take us to that scenario now. Same situation. I love you and who you are is more important to you. I want to help you going to let me help you now depending on the rate of previous relationship that's gonna turn out a lot of different ways but the tentative a lot of parents is to hide it for their own shame. My daughter get that's high, meaning they won't even address address and get help. They don't want anyone to know in its peace and that is doing you a disservice to stain your daughter to service but it's the process of being able. Thank you for letting me know what I found this out. Are you willing to let me and I want help I want to do whatever it takes to learn how to do this with you. Never done this before think that humility as parents were angry in the moment. That's the part of our own emotions we have to have a place, a process that so it doesn't leak out on the kids went out of sending units. I just want to say that's a serious thing a turnabout is getting so there's probably a lot of other things along the way that are systemically impacting girl and she needs a space to process it, but don't hide it and don't go to consequences. Neither of those are in help Troy as soon as I'm listening. I'm thinking well that's how every husband should do talk with his wife just train us in talking to a daughter or son would be nice but over. Then she would come alive see what I am quick to good right.
Come on, you can be a bad I mean what you okay okay yeah just rather than okay. But to pause school. I'd love it if he said what are you feeling you asked Marion what are you feeling right now.
You know, teach us in our marriage. For years they've been doing SME talk about flipping the lead Mrs. from Dr. Siegel, neuroscientists, and he understand and help us understand that the upstairs brain is the cognitive brain downstairs brain is the emotional brain. That's where all our trauma. It's where you mapping everything out with your senses for mapping out the world through what we cease now here case feel from their babies do not get your upstairs brain slowly intact until your 24 so what is speaking louder those early memories. If I do not feel safe with my parents have a really hard time feeling safe with you emotionally, and what we now is healthy is integrated when you can, both intact and you can say I'm feeling very angry right now but I know logically it's a good punch if I'm been a step back and take care of my anger. So what to do is I actually have a punching bag as I'm the more physical and between Jeff and I had a punching bag years of my leg flipping me feeling like I Wayne thanks Jeff and I'm verbalizing away punch you.
I know that's not healthy.
I know that he knows that he hasn't heard him, but his face is an honest punching bag now Finally come up with a solution. You actually go down punch seem a punching bag and what it does is it helps my lower brain calm down and now the blood literally leaves my lower brain and comes back into the upper brain and now I feel more able to make a holistic decision with my anger. Everyone right now with teenagers need to get a punching bag for myself as a parent and for my teenagers have gone down. I worked on for jog blood flow put you in a different place time away helps you process you come back and hopefully you're in a better place is that I hope your daughter says they're watching you guys mom and dad. I love that Christ process and even think about being courageous daughters. Does this play in the short run.
My girls are watching me use my voice. My husband and I want to make has been an honor that were feisty were two oldest children we both have a lot of opinions. We do a lot together but were feisty; passionate discussion and my girls are seeing us talk process even be frustrated and angry that there watching us with her parents and my husband asked to give him all the credit for this. He will literally make sure my girls are present when he apologizes to me it's profound and then he goes and apologizes to them. So the process of experiencing someone asking forgiveness of you are watching him come to me and puts me on the spot. Now I got a model number seven line that's true, I do want my girls to see that I want them to see what it looks like to prepare that mom and dad aren't just both vocalizing their opinions, but that were actually owning the parts were reminded one another and I see them doing it with each other.
I see them doing it now with their friends frustrated because I like our friends don't ask for forgiveness. But that is the norm in our home and part of the lead in helping moms and daughters work through this model that because we learn what we experience not always what were taught, so we are very intentional in terms of how we dialogue with one another. I know there is a school of thought that says you should protect your kids from the house if it's abusive, please get help when a tiny about the decent has an inherent I did say that I want to punch him, but I do not that's just an awareness of my own community that I got a lot of feistiness and me set the channel that my girls know that and my youngest has the same feistiness she gets to go punch the pension back to him when she's not at her sister are getting a lot of processing meaning being able to say angry right now okay right angry because she doesn't my grant. You know that's Canada sister Headley having well, let's sit down and let's actually have people talk and half the process I'm guiding them through that as a mom, so I also helped mom figure out how to actually listen to mirror to validate empathize and then teach our daughters how to do that, so they know how to hear other people and not just talk actually listen to talk to the mom that is hearing you thinking you want this but I haven't done it. I've been more concerned with the outward behavior and inner life of my daughter.
How does she start this I feel for them on to you because it's generations of that's probably your story so I think that blindness the fact that you're acknowledging to be able to tell your daughter if you could have the courage asking for help.
Their letter to letter or maybe take her out to lunch and just to say I realize that I have focused too much on the pressure of being something rather than hearing your heart. Will you forgive me for assuming I want to forgive you between five and really didn't hurt but starting there and continue to work on your own process if you do not know your own inner life. You can't know somebody else is you cannot give away what you haven't received and that's part of this process for moms.
We have to understand what's going on inside some I need to make your own work in understanding your own childhood what it was like for you to be a daughter. Why did she apparently parented having grace for that and that's the thread I been hearing all the way through this conversation is the word you just use the word in the subtitle of your book toward grace so understanding what grace means in our lives as we deal with our own emotions, our own thoughts on behaviors. Understanding how grace applies to those understanding what grace looks like in relationships helping our kids understand how to embrace grace in the midst of their own immaturity, their own sinfulness. That's the key word in all of this that's what you wrote the book courageous right yeah think to bring women into a place where they understand all of us but you have daughters in mind daughters rooted in grace.
I think this is been a helpful conversation. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having the book will talk about his book called courageous being daughters rooted in grace, you can order the book from someone@familylifetoday.com or you can call to order one 800 FL today again the website is family life today.com you can order the book courageous from us online or call one 803 586-329-1800 FL some family L as in life, and then the word today know the foundation for any strong family is gonna be a strong marriage that's part of our DNA hurt family life, family life, we can remember marriage getaways the resources we created through the years.
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But we zero in often times on strong marriages right now. We got a resource available online that is called take your marriage from good to great. It's a free resource that includes a couple of online video courses. Some downloadable messages from people like Bobby Baucom, Paul David Tripp Gary Chapman the Julie Slattery there's a downloadable e-book. These resources are designed to help you with strategies for strengthening the foundation of your marriage and dealing with the trouble spots that pop up in a marriage relationship at all. 40 you can access or download when you go to family life today.com and is a little additional incentive to get you going with this. Everybody who downloads the content is automatically registered in the contest, somebody is gonna be our guest. Family life for upcoming family life today recording session and then dinner that night with David and Wilson will cover the cost of travel hotel while you're here some spending money to help cover your expenses. There's no purchase necessary.
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