Two Homes, Two Sets of Values

As a teenager Melody Fabian became convinced that she should wait to have sex until she was married when she broke the news to her mother. She was surprised by how her mom respond cycle mom eat all that soap like really think commands in a way for you, and I was crushed and she just said one in a million. When an amount and wave.

This is family life to hosts are David and Wilson on Bob Payne can find us online@familylifeto.com. What's it like for young person to grow up with the mom and dad who are divorced, who have different values and who don't share your values to hear about that for Melody Fabian today. Stay with us and welcome to family life today.

Thanks for joining us. You know, one of the treasures we have here at family life is Dave Wilson. That was not what I was immediate income is true you are, Bob. It wasn't what I know that either thinking and Wilson hear you Eric Kelly Kelly go and kiss right now. The married couples are supposed to do. I am happy for you both. Having that I think were off-topic you are. I was thinking of our mutual friend Ron deal. He's good to who is a great treasure treasure. He really is for families in our culture today to have Ron and to have his voice and to have his podcast, his family, like blended podcast which is helping so many people who are in blended families, blended marriages, I just am so grateful for his wisdom and for the issues that he's addressing. I will make sure our listers.

If you've never heard Ron's podcast that means it's buried treasure. Is he really is. Anything you can go to family life to. They.com is information about the podcast there and listen to. He's got dozens of episodes available again. Family life to the.com today working here a couple of excerpts from a recent episode he did with a mutual friend of ours Melody Fabian. She and her husband CD speak at weekends. Remember marriage getaways all across the country. They got a great story of their engagement and their wedding because I think this right, they didn't kiss until I got married. It's a great story but a couple. Ron talked with Melody recently about growing up as a child of divorce, so her mom and dad were not together and what she found was that there were different values in different homes and it was hard for her as a kid you know a little something about that when I would go down to my dad and his my stepmom lived in Florida.

Mom and I lived in Ohio and yeah it was totally different. You know my mom was pretty strict and rule-based in a good way. My dad, I think felt bad that he left me and the rules were gone so to do whatever you want a member.

I jumped in his car when is 14 and he said he had to drive around the block and Mike what my mom no way until course I got in there and other forget he was having a party and there were many cars are never driven a car back it ran into another car, ma'am, you know, I walked back in the house easily to me would you do Michael have never been in a car and I don't know where the bricks that I could never tell my mom even that story because you know I felt like I was betraying her so yeah I get it. Melody's story is interesting that she had come to Christ. Her dad had come to Christ.

Her dad was supporting her Christian values. Her mom wasn't and so mom was the one who we might think was more liberal, but Melody was really looking for somebody who would support her faith walk and in his conversation with her. Ron deal picked up on that issue and and went deep with so that confusing to you, having in a very different claimants to very different kind of emotional rules about how we do life between your two households. Yeah, I mean I remember knowing that things are very different in many ways.

Emotions are different, how you express yourself is different.

And then I get saved at around 1213 and my dad get saved when I'm 14 so that it was real different so my mom was serving the Lord at first and then she stepped away and that was really hard because I was just going to church myself had this interest in God, which was totally God that I had this interest in him at such a young age, went to church thinking from doing this church thing anymore and think that for praying youth pastors. This youth pastor comes to me Chris and he says not even praying for you and I got this vision of you running a race and everyone around you stop running but you didn't encourage you just keep running and I'm like Mike. That's exactly what I'm going through, like I was the only one in mouse going to church. These guys called you for the ministry and I like wow that's so cool. What is that you have no clue we were.raised in church so this is all new, so mom picked me up from church house church, unlike so great mom I'm going to be a missionary and she's like a little do that is to think missionary making money now think I'll be a missionary. That was my life like I did one message at home and message at church and then to get saved and he's like, I found the truth which Jesus and he liked goes off into all these fatherhood books and he's like when my child's heart. So now he's having this one-on-one time with that said, discipling us in opening the word.

This is difficult now because in mom's house. There were rules. Education is very important. We can have a boyfriend at 12 and 13 as long as it's the boy visits me in my house supervised kind of thing. My dad is having like you know and I think that's fine.

He's like he knew all my goodness I have no control of what is happening in my daughter's house so my prayer game to go into more of a mentoring influencer type relationship with my children and that really helped like he would ask me very probing questions that I just don't think you know my mom and my stepdad knew how to do and they weren't serving the Lord. So we did not have that common ground that was another source of pain because now mom sees me really getting close to my dad and my mom don't want this to be a competition like I love dad I love you but you're so close to him like I know because were connected spiritually.

16 I get this new biblical idea that it is the will to steam on cycle mom wait all that. So like you really think a man in a way for you, and I was and she just said sweetheart one in a million, one in a million you to find a man in a way for you. Remember going to my room start crying and praying and saying don't get it.

I thought she would be happy and so was like a whole month that we had teachings on purity and relationships and dating and at the end of the month. We are going to get a reading at American make a commitment, and my mom is like.

Is this a cult like what is this world laughing right now because it's kind of funny looking back, but I just got a pause and say you must've been terribly confuse you. You must've. It must've been pulling you into absolutely, I want to say it was one of the most painful months of my life you know and now there's restoration my mom has apologized profusely for that season but she didn't get it. She didn't understand and so kind of broke it all was. We went shopping to get a wear white like summer dress are light beige outfit representing purity and she's just like this.

This is so weird have to wear white cult. You know all this stuff and she bought the dress I think my mom didn't support it but she would go wrong with me. You know she's like fine, fine, look at the stress you know I'll go I don't really want to go but I'll go to the ceremony. You know we get home and I can't find address like the car I cannot find anywhere and so I 16 like you like it was just such warfare around me making this decision by going inside.

She was there with my aunt which is my step dad's sister and I sent mom, I cannot find the stress think, will you start crying and then my is like what is this transport. My daughters Mary and God mom doesn't want to see me cry. So now she's seeing me cry to think. I'm sorry and she's like Melody everyone to believe what you believe and I said no for me and she's like well I didn't wait and so I don't know what makes you think you can. That was it. That was the big lie she was holding in her right hand and by the grace of God I sent mom. I have a relationship with Jesus and he is can help me do this and it gets shut the argument down.

I went to my room and I felt the Holy Spirit say you just go get any dress in your closet is not about address. It is about your heart, so I had my little minty blue dress that next day my mom went reluctantly and the pastor said you know we've been talking to kids this whole month. Today I want talk to parents and he said you should be so proud of her kids and he goes on on why. Should be so happy you have any sense.

I would like the parents to put the rings on their children and so I go to the front altar with my ring and my dad decided Judy. I don't know who's going to come right in front. I don't know what's going on behind me and my mom comes and I'm like at this point, my tears are starting to come down. My mom has been making fun of me for the whole month and now she has to put my ring on me and so she's standing next to me and he says parents please come in funnier children look them in the eye and tell them how proud you are now. I would fall bawling and my mom is the sweetest short little Puerto Rican lady she's like stop crying. Stop everybody like happy you like like hold it is an Iran. I saw miracle. She looked at me and she like took a step as if this veil just came off of her and she looked again and she said you know I was thinking I knew I felt like it was very spiritual. It felt like a demonic attack that she see things to you like.

So she stopped seeing herself and she started seeing you. That's part of what God gave her yeah it was beautiful. She said I didn't have this when I was your age I wish I did. I'm so proud of you step in here we been listing to an excerpt from a recent episode of Ron deals podcast family life blended, Ron is talking to Melody Fabian who speaks with her husband CDR week and remember marriage getaways and what a dilemma for a young teenager to have a parent encouraging you to have sex with her boyfriend.

I mean can you imagine now. I can't imagine the dilemma that she was facing. And even if she's describing the purity ceremony getting teary when I hear she really needed her mom's approval and yet how beautiful that the veil comes down. I love the way it was described as God can do a miracle and he did and he does it in blended families. He does it in bio families. He can be trusted so never, never lose hope. God is there he sees you. He's going to show up in a way you don't expect there's another clip I want us to listen to and by the way, again, this podcast is available for download. You can go to family life today.com and listen to Ron deals family life blended podcast this episode with Melody Fabian or any of the episodes in the podcast but Ron and Melody talked about the dilemma she faced as a teenager going back and forth from one home to another and in some cases be in the messenger between mom and dad sitting there with your dad right now talking to your biological father about this season of your life and all he was trying to do you talk about how he went into a mentoring mode discipling mode with you was very intentional about that and I were to say to him, man always you stepped up your game you were really being intentional with her daughter and yet you knew there was a competing message. Yes, in the other home.

How did you cope with that.

When you think your dad would say, you know, I know he he would say he had to enter a huge place of faith for his kids. People would say James like you can't control it. What's happening over there like your kids are just gonna do it.

They're going to do and he just refused he say no, no, I meant to pray for them. I'm going to teach them. I believe that God's word doesn't return void like I'm gonna fight for this. You know, so he had this real tenacity to like believe God, and it wasn't like he was calling my mom, you know like you better stop.

He had a very like I'm a pretty pray. My boyfriend would move to Florida. I pray that my boyfriends move and he slapped his knee and say yeah so so clearly he took his agenda with God in the spiritual realm and with you, but he didn't go directly combat the other home, your mom no good thing I don't know what that was like what earlier because they Their drama very apart. I don't know their drama but I remember there being a point where he just fight your mom like it was just sort of like he just got what to say much so that was a very like you tell your dad which I don't think it's healthy parents.

You don't let your kids here messenger, but we were often tired at tire mom which is not easy argument just a little bit just emotionally. Where did that leave you when one side made you a messenger to the other side, yeah, it wasn't easy because I like all mom says status are my dad said this in. I just see their motion, you know, like, really serious, like your dad fine you know, our hey mom says why fine.

You know for sure for big decisions like graduation college they would talk very quickly on the phone but my mom kinda grew up to like divorces kinda taboo. So let's just like she did like when there was movies where the divorce families are all eating dinner. She's like what now that is so weird and I do remember that I do remember her being like we will not be that kind of family like in these movies that would kind of promote that right and she's like no I that's just weird to me.

Inside like that's the you know, so we did not have birthdays together. We did not have holidays together okay with you so felt super weird but having stepparents in the room yeah the time that that had happened was my wedding that went down to go down well you know it did. There were some tense moments all sure what my dad needs are something because I'm like that.

I have great stepfather and I do want to acknowledge him at my wedding. And so I would like to dance with both of you and I would like you to walk me down the aisle, but I would like my stepfather to be in the front so that he's also present with my mom and dad first and I take back like I would like. But why write me five I just I was not expecting that. And that was really painful for me and my husband in his wisdom he he he got a word from a pastor that said don't let no man, not even her father hurt your wife. Make sure you guard your wife's heart and so he he had met my dad for coffee needs and listen I know this is very painful even though it's 23 years ago. You know like they make Melody Peifer unites decision. This is our big day and she was there.

Like I know he's a good man but she is just that rhe opening of the wound right like he's got to you know and he's like there's a message for listener separated family you walk it out day after day after day. Children walk it out every single day. It is never in the past. Okay, let's just move on. Embrace the new family put the past behind us. You can't do that you can't because the implications just continue to ripple out through life while kudos to your husband for finding the courage to have that hard conversation with his future father-in-law is that was a good move on his part yet. My dad received that you don't hit after that conversation he said okay you know it's almost like a reminder, here we go again. Why am I in a fight.

Why am I gonna make this a big deal that is to be painful for my daughter. You know, so I'm thankful that I was able to honor both at my wedding and my my husband to like when he asked my parents for the blessing to marry me. He met with my dad separately and then he met my stepdad separately and man-to-man and I and my stepdad got very emotional and said you know I love my stepdaughters but I don't feel the same kind of man asking for the blessing the way you have.

I really fell on her and I want to thank you for doing what can we been listing to an excerpt from Ron deals conversation with Melody Fabian part of the family like blended podcast that's available on our website@familylifetodate.com and the two things I'm hearing is listen to this conversation.

First of all I'm hearing complexity. There's huge complexity when a family is divided when kids are going back and forth when mom and dad are together and on the same page, but the second thing I'm hearing is redemption. I'm hearing that God can work in those complex situations to do some amazing things, and there can be some breakthroughs in families as people follow him yeah were sort of wiping tears from her cheeks are we, I mean, it's so tender. As we said above, it's like beauty for ashes and mentors obviously heard in complexity and misunderstanding, and yet at the end of the day God shows up and brings this beautiful moment and legacy going forward. From all of that that we just get to hear about, and it gives you hope to think okay even in my situation, or in your situation.

Whoever you're listening because there and he can bring beauty.

He's the Redeemer of our lives.

Melody talks in her interview with Ron and the family left blended podcast. She talks about was like as a child when she learned her parents were divorcing posters will go to our website. Family life today.com and listen to this episode of family life blended and all of the episodes back. I was surely somebody this week about this podcast and said you need to sign up for this. This is something you need to be listing to regularly all the information about the family life blended podcast is available on our website@familylifetodate.com and if you have a heart for blended families. We've got an event coming up. It's our 2020 summit on stepfamily ministries that happens October 1 and second it is a an online event this year. You can join us via live stream from anywhere in the world to full days of sessions and breakouts with speakers like Ron and then deal The lip Ted Lowe Laura Pepper Bridge, Alecia Le Haas, Rob, boo, many others find out more when you go to our website. Family life to date.com and if you're a church leader a pastor or you just have a heart for blended families in your church or in your community. Take part in the 2020 summit on stepfamily ministry.

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