Inviting the Hard Questions

It's easy as parents raising the next generation to watch teenagers or young adults who move away from their faith and wonder if that's can happen. Our kids, Shelby Abbott says our responsibility as parents is to be faithful in what God called us to do. I need to trust that regardless of what happens with my children in the future, and I pray daily that they will walk with Jesus for a lifetime.

I have to believe that God knows exactly what he's doing with them and that he is in control and my responsibility is to be intentional with them and shepherd them care for them, teach them, and is much they can, but ultimately they are not in my hands. They are in God's hands, and I need to live that as an act of faith. This is family life today.

Our hosts are David and Wilson about pain be confined us online@familylifetoday.com what's our assignment as parents. How do we help steer our kids in the right direction and help them deal with challenges to their faith as they grow. Shelby Abbott joins us today to talk about that. Stay with us and welcome to family life to the thanks for joining us.

I got a call recently from a friend, someone in our church who said my my niece is struggling with the difference between doubt and unbelief. She is wrestling with doubts and wondering if her doubt is unbelief and how can you tell the difference between the two.

And I said well would it help if you guys came over and we sat down just had a conversation about it and she said yeah be great. So they came over and we, Mary and I spent the evening and we talked about issues that I was that I remember thinking ahead of time. It it's pretty important how you have these kinds of conversations because for somebody who's in a fragile faith. Place those conversations can either help use them back toward the faith or come turn them off and have them run on the other direction. I think that same piece can be really big if you seen someone in their doubt and they won't talk about it anymore. So then he can stay inside and fester. It is interesting.

We had a four-year-old son.

We are talking about David and Goliath and I was telling the story that night and all of our boys are listening and I thought all this is okay.

I'm telling this great and loving it and we went to bed at night and I turned off the light and the four-year-old said hey so David cut off Goliath head like yeah he doesn't and but we also learned that were supposed to not kill it says that the 10 Commandments as I can like how he's getting. If this is awesome. He does so why is it okay for David to kill and to celebrate everyone celebrates that the 10 Commandments in the Bible tell us that were not supposed to kill. I don't even get it.

How can that happen to you sometime like my heart. I'm thinking you know he's like his dad. He says he does go as dead ending my pure panic like I don't know anything easy to do as parents to know how should I respond I want to talk about this and I was freaking out so I called Pastor David yesterday. Yes, of course, I had the exact right answer. No, I mean I actually got excited main seizure was only four years old and he's grown up to be a 34-year-old married man now and he still has questions and I love that I just encouraged it like that thing you said let's wow you are smart and what a great question and I am by what you said started the program with I think is so good that those people set in your living room and talk to human being is so easy to go on Internet and never converse with a real live human being is so important. We have presence in that moment and and dialogue about this because there are real good answers. We got a guess joining us this week who is helping us with this issue and has written a book called doubt, less Shelby Abbott joins us. Shelby welcome back.

Thank you for having me once again to be with you. In addition to be an author and the speaker Shelby has been on staff with crew for 21 years now and has been on family life today before wrote a book called pressure points about how to deal with pressure as a as a college student. As a young adult in your notebook called I am a tool about a great book titled it's it's fun to mention it to people and see if they actually have a sense of humor at all if they if they chuckle, unwilling to lean into the conversation a little bit more this new book, doubtless I'm I'm thinking of moms and dads I know who have got kids coming home from junior high or high school or college and all of a sudden the kids are coming and saying you know my professor said, and my teacher said and the parents inside of them.

There's this freak out moment that happens where it's like MRI at the beginning stages of my son or daughter starting to head out the door and leave the faith completely.

Yeah, I've seen many examples of that over the years both that I went to college with when I was a student to surround Bible study niece that I led at James Madison University people walking away from the faith and seeing me and because of social media and I can step now you actually know about it. He can see images of a you could see stuff that people type out and it can be very difficult but I'm liking it a little bit to my daughters during our nine and six. And so I don't want them to learn about certain things of the world from riding the bus home is not where I want them to learn about sex or issues of sexuality are what people think about different religions or even curse words I want them to learn about that from completely unqualified fourth-graders. I'd rather engage with them myself and talk with them about this things and so I want my daughters to feel welcome to assess, questions from a very young age and I think what you said to your son like this is great celebrate him as a person and that is inquisitive. Address the doubt. Of course go after that and come alongside them in the process because the journey is as important as the destination. I think with her kids, especially Shelby. How would you open that conversation like honey opened the door with your kids to have a conversation about that in the first place I found with my kids, you know that the Bible talks about having a childlike faith and I always took that to mean like a dumb down face and then I had kids and my kids started asking questions about everything so okay. For example, we just in the pandemic.

We lock stuff down. Ice decided I made an executive decision to start watching Star Wars with my girls IN the same thing with his kids. It's been great and and so we started with the new Hope episode four. And as we worked our way through the movies they ask a million questions and I just got easier to miss this part is really important.

She felt like I've noticed that children in general just endure just inquisitive. They want to know everything so opportunity has not been lacking to talk about tons of things I think we gotta be intentional. We have like weekly family devotions on Sundays in our house and so that usually brings up a lot of questions about stuff we encourage them to read through things themselves and ask questions, and I found that I haven't really even needed to bring stuff up when it's come to doubt conversations other things. Sex is one of the CS week we have to engage with that.

But as uncomfortable as it can be as a parent you need to be the one to lean into it. In order to shepherd your child's heart in a direction that would be healthy for them because it will help them in the future, which means you have to set an environment from the get go.

Questions are okay.

Questions are good questions are celebrated were not afraid of questions and bring this stuff to the light rather than keep it hidden away like if you have doubts or something wrong with you.

I think to moms and dads need to be verbal about their own wrestling with spiritual issues and just be open about that, don't you think, absolutely, and I noticed even to like you were constantly as parents are currently correcting our children and telling them what they should and should not be doing and it's important that at least in our family will my life and I've done we've had these moments were when we mess up and we sin against our kids are we sin against one another. Spouses in front of our kids that were intentional to bring up to them and say hey I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for what I said daddy sends to will you please forgive me and I've noticed that kids don't hold grudges like that.

There is just so quick to say yes and they hug you and and want to forgive you but I think that that shows then hey I'm not perfect I messed up to and I need Jesus just as much is you need Jesus. And so when it comes to doubts being verbal about those things is a healthy thing but underlying knowing that working to lean into our relationship with God. Instead of slowly back away from him. We were in a trust that he's gonna meet us as we pursue him hello I love your perspective on having childlike faith of ever. I've actually never read that heard that perspective you always hear childlike faith means just blind faith.

They believe anything without any reason, you know, and we think all that's what God is asking is disbelief just, you know, rub your feet together and believe it will happen but now it's so good. Kids ask questions and so you're encouraging. It's okay to ask questions and factor your inviting questions but let me ask you this, so your child gets to be 13/14.

They start to really develop doubts and ASU some really tough questions and you as a parent.

Don't know the answer.

You don't know what you say I don't think that's okay. I think you know as parents we always because they are tempted to say, I do have all the answers.

Because we we want to correct their children. We want them to respect us. We want them to do what we tell them to do. But there are times when we just don't know. And I think a great answer to a question you don't know is I don't know but let me try to find out for you and that's when it's our responsibility as parents to not just sweep it under the rug and move on, but actually go after those things so that when they are adults.

The say you know my dad didn't have it all together. My mom did have it all together and they didn't pretend like they did and that kind of authenticity is attractive is what the freak outside for parents is if I don't have an answer for this. You're going to reject the truth because I couldn't come up I would lose the sale.

I'm going to watch you walk away because I can't give you an answer that makes sense to you yet that's maybe where my theology comes into play a in those moments. I just believe that God knows exactly what he's doing. I mean there's places in Scripture's to her like Habakkuk talks about hey you say that you're good, you say that you know what you're doing but look around. All evidence is to the contrary, and many people have discovered that in the West lately because the coronavirus that shut everything down to say how can God be in control of all of this and it's that your symbol brain of understanding would be like trying to pour the ocean into the thimble. It just you still get things in a way that God does and so I need to trust that regardless of what happens with my children in the future and I prayed daily that they will walk with Jesus for a lifetime.

I have to believe that that God knows exactly what he's doing with them and that he is in control and my responsibility is to be intentional with them and shepherd them care for them, teach them as much as I can, but ultimately they are not in my hands. They are in God's hands, and I need to live.

That is an act of faith that's good you're silly. Do you think we live in a time where questions and doubt are greater than before then again I'm not sinner times, you know, the worst of times that I'm thinking in terms of the Internet in terms of the access that we and our children now have. I know that as a preacher in the last probably 10 years. Maybe Bobby experience the same thing is when I'm opening up text.

I think more critically than I would've 20 years ago because I think okay my listener is more aware now than they were, let's say, 30 years ago. I'm open the Bible and I'm thinking most people here have never read this text because I didn't go by a Bible they didn't open it today. I know it's accessible on the Internet.

They might not only know what this text says that they know what Richard Dawkins says about the existence of God. They have a little bit of Lehmans atheist theology and if I come with an elementary pat answer that will work 20 years ago. Hey that's good enough for me there in a sort of snickering go.

This dude really hasn't done his homework again. I'm not saying we have to be scholars, but there is a sense it when I want to do my homework because we live in a different day how you deal with.

My guess is that the culture ebbs and flows over hundreds of years. I do know that it's different. And then it was in the 90s when I was in college and I do know that because so much more information is readily available at people's fingertips that there are things that they've read and been exposed to that. I just didn't take the time to do when I was younger as well.

I will also say that people choose to trust in certain authorities that they just shouldn't trust. There is much evidence for the Bible, there is much evidence for the resurrection. There's much of a use God and be willing to go find it and from the proper sources as opposed to just believing what anyone else says if you're going to believe a tweet or a meme that someone puts out there just because it's pithy and kind of funny then that's on you, but I think if anything, it forces us to be more as parents. At least it forces us to be more ready for the kind of questions that our kids are going to ask as they get older and I found that college students are pretty astute when it comes that kind of thing. But that's why it's important to be with them in the process and really care for them when you're a pastor in your preaching. These kind of things. It also helps you to know that this is the Bible says that were to be judged more harshly as teachers, I need to do my homework.

I can't look for silver bullet answers that enough solve everyone's problems. I need to put in the work asked the right questions myself and then pre-answer them before they're even asked. I think that's a tricky place with, especially teens. I think what we can do is parents as we can get fearful of the places they're going for their research. And so we can almost this is probably what I would've done in the day I would shut it down, but that's a terrible resource you know what why you going to those places to find those resources when there much better places and so I've parents if we don't go out of relationship and existing relationship and had the talk very carefully as not shaming them of where they're going but also asking them all if you check this one out as well because this is a great place to go well and and shall become in on this too because my sense is if as parents, we appear to be freaked out by your doubt if if you come in you so you know I'm reading this and we start to go right yeah right I I think what the kid picks up subconsciously is all mom and dad are fearful here rather than mom and are confident about what they believe mom and dad are afraid that somebody is going to be able to put up Swaney. That's right. And so we have to have an approach to our faith that has a confidence that says you have there been critics for a long time. There are critics today. You've run into one here and in some cases they can make a compelling sounding argument. So let's talk about that and rather than stop reading this and we got to clean your room immediately. One of the things that we loved about teenagers and college students.

They came home from the summer was me love the conversations that we could have with them and so even when my sister died our kids for middle school and elementary school. But I remember sharing with them like this is really hard. I've been praying a certain way and I haven't seen those prayers answered the way I wanted. And I've really struggled with God. This is hard for me. I don't get it, but to have those discussions openly even having when there are kids friends coming to ask those hard questions like this just happened where this woman is really struggling. Let like the one that I just talked about earlier singing this song about how we can trust God. He doesn't let us down that she doesn't believe that NASCAR teens like have you ever felt like I think those late-night talks and the dinner conversations are some of the most beautiful times you could have with the team found it with younger people to elect a value authenticity in a way that maybe we 20 years ago like to put on a good show and that the show is what we thought we had to have correct, but this day and age when it comes to people wrestling with identity as part of the think about who they are stuffy. If you're talking about those things in your forthright about them and then your admittedly saying this is where my flaws are and I need to work at this more just going to go a long long way.

You mentioned something earlier to the many think, is that the questions they might be asking right now, they might think that those are new questions but to help them to see that your question has already been asked thousands of times and there's been really quality answers given to those questions is gotta be willing to go look for them instead of being completely derailed by something that they think nobody's ever figure this out before and I would just say I think that's important when they come even if you don't have the answer for you to be able to say you know there are smart people who have wrestled with this question before and who have found answers and let's look at what they say. I was talking with somebody recently about a famous religion professor Bart Ehrman who is the University of North Carolina, who went to Moody and went to Wheaton and then went to Princeton and went off the rails there and said I don't believe the Bible anymore and always a distinguished chair in religion. The University of North Carolina and you can get intimidated by somebody who's a Greek scholar knows more languages than you doing is done more study on those who can say, but what about the Dead Sea Scrolls and what they say over here.

What about the archaeological evidence. And you don't have an answer for that. What you need to know what is. There are guys every bit as credentialed and everybody is dedicated to scholarship is Bart Ehrman who looked at that and sub Bart you're wrong and they they can make an argument you can listen to both sides and ultimately decide what you want to believe, but I have to say your shall be. We were teaching to John five recently and the Jewish leaders were coming in Jesus that I'm equal with God, and they said your what an end he then provides the evidence he says John the Baptist that I was equal with God. My miracle set them equal with God.

God says I'm equal with him. The Old Testament was pointing to me, Moses says I'm equal with God.

So if you know believe you're going against all of those witnesses, but in the middle of a Jesus is the reason you don't believe is not because he evidences in their the reason you don't believes because you don't believe ultimately you don't want to bow in the you don't want to surrender often wait we have to recognize that behind doubt there is this desire to want to be in control of our own lives and not to have to surrender to the Lord and and not to to acknowledge your need for Savior and I found it that so many young people don't like the idea of bending the knee because they know what they want to be in anybody to tell them who they are right, but it's funny it that they're just one trial, one suffering session away from looking for the kind of authority that they need and that the truth is that the Christian worldview is better worldview than the one that they are clamoring for.

They think it's freedom, but it actually is enslavement and so everybody needs to bow to some sort of authority and wrestling with doubt and that process of figuring out what that authority should be is is a healthy thing because it can create a more galvanized strong face for a young person and as parents. It's really important that we allow them to take that journey as scary as it is, you know, I don't. I didn't like the idea of letting go of the bicycle seat with my daughter and watching her wobble paddle down the street because I was afraid of what might happen, but if I never let go of the seat. She would never ride the bike on her own and so sometimes we just got to let our kids even if they're in their teens 20s and 30s. We got to let go of the seat because they've got to make the faith their own, they will not adopt a faith just because that's what we did as a kid, especially in this day and age they need to make it their own, and we should want that for them and even to have us weave our discuss the wisdom as a parent, it takes real wisdom to be a look at your child's doubt or question and know is this an intellectual question, or is this a moral.

I don't want to bend the knee, you know, it could be either or both are legit, but it many times. It's a cover-up and they may not even know it. But it the other day. It's like now I know what God is going to require of me if I say he's Lord in the sexual area of my life in the moral area and and I really want to say is this question and many times it's like know the end of the day, you arty know the answer the question.

It's really a fear of letting him control my life. We had a guest during family like today. Years ago who told the story about young men who come back from his freshman year at college and he came into this guy's office. He was a pastor and he said I'm I'm not sure I believe the Bible anymore and this guy looked up at him and enforcing said was when did you start sleeping with your girlfriend but I was shocked and did all of all the blood drained out of his face and it was the stammered and all about, but the pastor was saying you're choosing not to believe, not because of intellectual reasons is morally God's right.

I think tonight as parents. It's really important to remember the great power that we have in prayer and I think the reason we freaked out is because were fearful that our kids will walk away from the faith, for fearful of where that will take them and yet we serve a God that loves our kids more than we do and for us to daily be praying for our kids to surrender our kids to Jesus to ask him to fight for them there is great great power and unfurled a mom or dad to get with the teenager and say let's do a book club together, you and me.

Let's read this chapter, the time we get together for breakfast once a week and talk about the chapter we read and I'm going about your book. Doubtless, I can use to pay your kids to do that why you yeah that's great I would I would do this with you over there to get a summer job, read a book and give me a book report and there's 20 bucks and that for you. Absolutely this would be a great book for parents and kids to go through together and talk about what we do with Datsun and what doubts might you be having right now and how can I help you with that because mom and dad after us with their own doubts as well and I'm I'm grateful for the book, and shall be grateful for you and for your time with us this week. Thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me, my pleasure. You can go to family like today.com to get a copy of Shelby's book, doubtless because faith is hard is the subtitle again.

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