Turning Toward Home

As the lead singer for the group Sanctus real for many years. Matt Hammett's job had him traveling more days than he was home when Matt and Sarah's son. But one was born with heart problems, health issues, the couple had to take a sober look at the reality of the relationship and whether their marriage could survive. All they were experiencing it. We possess these attributes that lead to divorce my husband travels. We had a sick child. I mean we have all of these by stacked against us. So yeah there's been moments where it's like toxic sure have we threatened it to each other once a we have. This is family like today hosts are David and Wilson on bottle peen. You can find us online@familylifeto.com.

Matt and Sarah Hammett join us today to talk about the things they've learned in almost 2 decades of marriage things to do and not do things to say and not to say in order to make your marriage a priority. Stay with us.

Welcome to family life today. Thanks for joining us. Have a friend who is in a high profile job. He is somebody who is well known and has a lot of fans.

We were at dinner and he said here's the thing he said my wife is just not impressed by what I do all these other people are like all this is amazing in and my wife is like to know if it's good right at me. What you do. Yeah because I don't get why other people around this with me. Yeah, I mean your husband's a high-profile guy and a lot of people admire him and what he does. Have you had some of that same has shared is interesting. I don't think she's ever been impressed selling press. But when you got married impressed thing that impresses me the most is the way he loves her kids the way he spends time with and in place which I have recently liable with them if and when he talks to me.

Those are the things she skipped right over the unimpressive part I introduce our guests that there is a real quick one night after I preached all morning was on the line silent all day. Came home exhausted from bed.

She says to me at 1130 and I close my eyes tell me you said. I said I watched you this morning at church meeting this entire congregation. And when you pray, you move us like we want to be with you in this year just so inspiring. And then this fish that lives here.

Actually, word for word.

She said I wish the guy who let our church would live in this house and you said there is Bob as well. Maybe think of it I said I got United respond like a great leader eyes respond like are you kidding me. People think I'm good. You think I'm not the nurse only women I would love to be married to me.

That's what I said you know I was just so hurt by that, and yet the next day God said I was speaking to you for your wife and so I had to step up and pleaded home. And so, but we got a high-profile rock star in the studio is above the P from ambrosia. It's a good bet. Hammett from Sanctus real and your wife Sarah is with us you get four kids now your Nashville you have this legendary career 20 years of Sanctus real Dove awards, Grammy nominations, albums, thousands and stadiums listen to you, saying, including an anthem about what a husband is supposed to be to his wife a song called lead me that is now the book you've written Madden service because we can remember getaways with us had this I remember where I was the first time I heard this song leave me really. Yes, striving on I 59 in Michigan is going to church.

You can think tank and I mean eyewitness totally captivated by the sun went home. I told Dave you have to listen to this song is this is kind of our story, which is so interesting because we didn't even know you guys at the time, but I think that has resonated with so many people this is what we want.

This is what we long for.

In our family so Sarah take us back to that moment because obviously that song you became an anthem, but it's your story is more than lyrics, it is you were feeling left alone because the rock stars on the road and you speak these words tell us a little bit sorry because that's really where we are today. Yeah, I remember he was at the dining table. We were having our 10 thousandths conversation about the subject and I disses like like you, and you can't be and you act like you don't anything to get his, but he literally left me home alone to do it all myself like like a love like I literally feel like we are leaving our life and your living your life feel like a family and sell your here but you're not here.

Yeah, I don't necessarily feel like it weighs on proximity.

I feel like it was a heart designing sense like I do feel even I would say most Christian musicians, families, and then it stretched far here and I'm to save most of us families feel lonely and we we sacrifice that for the ministry. So I think it was it was more the condition of our hearts in that. So to me it was if you came home and you are excited to be here and you are complaining in your fall and you are be working now but it felt very much like it was the opposite. Every time he came home. As you guys describe these long tours matched on your there fending for yourself. I was thinking about people in military guys who are deployed to try reentry. They come in now. They don't know what their place in the home is this is an occupational hazard that is true for doctors, musicians or pro athletes as human today, but it's true for a number of professionals who have got this. I'm traveling a lot, and that I try to come back home and make life work, I was curious. Did you you alluded to this. Both of you. You entertained thoughts that may be. This marriage was not about make it yeah I would say that we have toxic conflict so outside a conflict we have a great time. We laugh we have fun we love each other but when it comes to anything that strikes up conflict, it becomes quickly toxic and so someone lunch once mentioned.

What is it the foresees I forget exactly what they are, but there like contempt and we possess all of them and it was a 98% divorce rate or something like that and so we have sat on top of her serine at the me is guy who here says if you have the four C's United present like it avoids what was encouraging us.

You know these attributes that lead to divorce my husband travels, we have a sick child, 85% will divorce when you have a sick child.

I mean we have all of these.

I stacked against us. So yeah there's been moments where it's like moments military notes like when those moments where it's I'm done will you know that is those words that speak and go back and say well just saying I'm done with this right but it's those little kind of threats that sneak in and it's the look right is that exchange. We are like your dance in that line of admitting out loud to all and walk away. I sure have we threatened it to each other once in a while you have that for you guys, here you are not writing songs about Jesus and drawing closer to you guys both loved Jesus what was going on with your relationship with God in the development. Yeah, I think for me it's interesting because I've always had a prayerful relationship with the Lord on a daily basis of always been in the world on my own time of always leaned in to the Lord and always. I think sometimes to the point where it's like how you I'm trying to got even describe that person that I could be when leaning in the Lord. I'm almost living in that relationship like take care of everything so it's like I'm a Christian. I love the Lord, my heart is bent towards him in prayer and regular basis so that makes me good and it doesn't away what we inherit God's righteousness. We are sinners who God makes saints we know who we are in Christ, yes, but then what beyond that.

How do we live our lives and write the reality of who we really are to the people around us and that was a really big obstacle for me to not just lean on like hey well my parents stayed married and you know we always at the church and we go to church and will discuss they married and not look at that you look at the big picture like just kind of shove all those little micro problems under the rug and that's really I think where that threat came in for us, whereas I want to deal with little stuff is, just lean on the big picture fact there were square Christian couple.

Everything's fine. I love the Lord you love the Lord and you know it's like were just gonna stay married because that's a people. Our family do and it is, I just could lean there and try to ignore the rest of it sounds like you live in a fairytale land denial yeah Dave, this is you I was that I love you so I thought there were moments I was guessing that if your felt like you faked it because there were moments were when we were really struggling in the church was starting and things were happening in in my ministry that I would be you talk about contempt and criticism in defense of this is all from John Gottman's four horseman girl from the NIV literally getting our car and would be walking out into the driveway with a child or two in her arms, going where are you going to be yelling at her. I get in the car, pounding the dashboard is so mad and 50 minutes later, walking in an elders meeting leading spiritually and I'm like this there's the economy and what I'm doing and I and Maddie felt say things like my walk with God is solid. I'm leaning on that Fantasia getting in the way.

But I have to wonder in the midst that I'm thinking of the end of a Sanctus real concert. You have a conversation with Sarah earlier in the day where she's just mad at you are not there at the end of a Sanctus real concert and there's there are these cute girls were come up and going. Your music is so inspiring.

It's changed my life and on the Bible is your amazing you know it's interesting for for whatever reason, it was like I didn't really feel that temptation much, but the temptation I deftly did feel was on an emotional level.

Whoever it was after concert just wow. It's the reward of I get rewarded for my work, because everybody says wow what a great job. What a great job you do start to believe this kind of overarching truth.

If you can hold on to the overarching truth, I do a great job of serving the Lord.

I love God I am a good husband. I am a good father because that's what I want to be.

Sometimes you and and part of it to do is live a job to do and a glutton for management of a military men were gone. Traveling has been seen of pro pro athletes and I'm sure women do travel some of them do the same thing you look at and you go man get a job to do and if I let myself get down in the mud and caught up in all this stuff. Can I continue to lead and do my job. It's almost like a pop protection element, but at the end the day and Sarah's reminds me of this. And it's good that she does.

Who are you protecting you protecting what's important is protecting yourself at dinner the day when protecting yourself is partially what you've built your career on.

You got a look at how you're living your career at some point. Obviously there even probably saying that the map like you said thousands of times. So at some point met it gets through yet.

It's like my family and my home is actually more important than the tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands.

What was it that hit you. For me it was that moment of realizing that my good intentions could no longer defy me and it was a wake-up call.

The day that Ira leave me actually at the conversation at the diner table.

The Sarah was, you know, poured her heart out to me.

She actually said those words to me. I need you to lead me. I member looking over at the picture. This is this is what really broke my heart sir, sitting across from me.

Her face is puffy and red like she'd been crying and she literally not feel you can like see somebody's heart just like a waiting on their face is ugly and not as the ugliest terms like beauty ugly but it's it's an ugly thing to have to see it looks like someone is been through war right there just to see in their eyes or just they're just exhausted and I remember like I looked from her face.

At that table over to her face in her wedding photo and I saw like this showing fall woman whose countenance was literally glowing with hope and excitement for future then I turned back to see her again. And unlike while that is somehow my fault and I might not understand. Even right now everything I've done.

I know I'm oblivious to some of the reasons why I know them too selfish to see some of the reasons why my going to be a man in my going to step up in my going to figured out am I going to find out what my role is in this exchange is happened over the last seven years to get my wife to a place where she's that far away from the wedding photo and I do take responsibility and I think that day. I really chose to be a man and take responsibility for at least one step at a time. I know and get a perfect but I knew that I had to make whatever hard decisions I had to make to put into action the intentions that had my whole life. While that was the visual I think so many of us men. I can speak for what them away from mom feels but I feel like I've done something to my wife and hearing you say that you want to say God I need to correct this. I need to be a man to step up. So thank you for doing thing I think we got here.

The song yeah we do affect cars just have one here in one pile of Althea Bob even let me borrow pit. Funny, I would go into an interview before the book expecting to play because about music and I'm so unprepared eyes shut for a book interview and I like what I think. So you know it. We haven't got his part in the story officially but but you know were to get there soon ultimately matter what he knows as I stepped away from Sanctus from 2016, and one of the first things I did that next year was I put on lead me men's conference to talk to share some of the lessons I've been learning to walk some other guys were making our decisions to lead their families and Ijaz Dave to be one of my speakers in my very first conference, and he graciously said yes and he came in. Not only did he bring the house down with his message, but he also brought the house down we sing a very special rendition of lead me at a men's conference and included certain things that I can't really we can't say on the say on the radio but… It was is very special very special thanks for defiling my song I this is leave me all pray the Z and the main thing to work in the early and in the song I'm wondering is there one story you've heard from somebody who has heard that song.

And God used it in a remarkable powerful way in that guy's life are not couples life.

Every time somebody asked me honestly the same story comes to mind. I woman come up to me. She said I've been having an emotional affair with a man who was my husband for several months and we had text exchange was that he will meet up and organa be physical for the first time she's on the way out of her house to the other living room the sliding door on the back of the house and as she was sliding open the door to leave, lead me came on the radio and she just stopped and listened.

And as the song played for by the end of the song she was on her knees crying, weeping, asking God to forgive her when her husband came home she told him everything she confessed she repented and told him that she wanted to make things right and offer them to to grow in their marriage again together and I think man what a crazy thing that God would bring the song on the radio in a moment like that just to speak to her heart and that all the stories of heard of men who view to pull over on the side of the road here and that's on the radio just breaking down, realizing that they want to and need to be that for their wives and so's amazing music acute you take a real moment of your life and put in a bottle and you send it out somebody takes it and they open it and they feel the exact same thing and what I hear. And that is the redemption of my pain and send it to me like when I hear those stories. My hearts crying in the midst of the toxic conflict ran like use this.

This is pointless in its destructive as a person. I'm obsessed with redemption said to me that is like okay that was the redemption that came from those sightseeing out I was teary again as I listen to that, especially reading, hearing your story because I think sometimes in marriage were amazed about how lonely we can be when our spouses sleeping right beside us that we can feel lonelier than my meager single we have three of you guys around the table. Help us as women who are feeling lonely, who felt like we've been trying to get you to hear us.

We feel like nags or we feel like we've just shut down. How can we were longing for our men to lead our longing for man to be with our kids or to lead spiritually, but we don't always know how to communicate and I know I've done it really poorly in the past. What should we be doing is winning. How can we motivate and love and encourage our men. I'm just gonna say what I heard Sarah say earlier, which is there's no magic way for you to say anything it's going to take the spirit of God to penetrate husband's heart and it's not whether you're soft or angry or say it this way or say it that we are putting the card reported in the letter. If the spirit of God is not the one who penetrates it's not to make any difference. And so may be spending as much time praying as you are inclined to do telling your husband what's wrong may be taking that to the Lord and saying, Lord, you know all of the things I'm frustrated by you know you've got to do this work in my husband's heart I can't. I wish I had a formula. I wish I said here let me give the 12 magic word you say this and you have a new husband tomorrow. That doesn't work like that in our lives in our marriages right. It takes courage to speak up and say we feel for any of us to say hey I have a wound up feeling you don't know how it's going to go you really know, but it also takes an equal amount of courage to approach the throne of God in prayer and trust that he'll take care of it. Yeah, I've some learned from that to I when I think I think we do want to know that our lives are praying for us. You know for sure that it is good whereby I think you know I thought of two visuals I thought knees mouth I thought most boring thing do as a white man is a husband. If you really long for change in your spouses ask God because like Bob said. Like Matt said it's not can happen by me pushing anor and pushing me God has to do a supernatural work but I also think Paul wrote in Ephesians 4 speak the truth in love. You can't be quiet. You gotta speak it in love. You speak it in the kitchen and this funny. Melissa, messing this honor thought Sarah wrote the song you saw absolutely amazing. Kayla, writing really okay if that is the beauty of it is, God intervened.

But here's the other side of it. At some point, the spouse receiving that truth has to repent, you know, and you did, I did. Bob has it's a daily thing, and God will meet you right there and you may never write a song or a book, but you will have a story that your kids, grandkids and kids will tell forever. So today that the living God of the universe lives within us through his Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead and modest power in our prayers have power God hears us hope. Don't give up hitting on your knees thank you guys. Thanks for being here with us. Thanks for sharing your story and for the song and for the book we got copies of Matt's book lead me available in our family like today resource Center you can order the book from us online@familylifetoday.com or call one 800 FL today to get a copy or several copies to pass out to friends again.

The title of the book is lead me order online@familylifetoday.com or call to order one 800, FL, today is the number one 803 586-329-1800 F as in family L as in life and in the word. Today we want to just a minute and say thank you to a particular group of you who are regular listeners. Those of you who not only listen but who have in the past.

Help support this ministry, either with an occasional donation or as a monthly legacy partner on behalf of the hundreds of thousands of people who benefit every day from connecting with a strong family like to thank you for the investment you are making in the lives of husbands and wives, moms and dads couples all around the world. You make that happen when you donate to support this ministry and if you're able to help with the donation today.

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It's a book written by Holly Melton who was a guest with us this week. She has mapped out a plan. Really, it's a 38 week plan for praying with your children every day before school.

It's easy it's achievable. It takes five minutes it will change the atmosphere in your home. Over time, as you do this, your kids will start saying to you.

Are we gonna pray before school. In case you forget one day Holly's book is our thank you gift when you make a donation online in family life to day.com or when you call to donate one 800, FL, today is the number thanks again for your support. Ask for your copy of Holly's book when you donate today and that we appreciate your partnership with us here in this ministry and with 9/11 in view coming up next week and introduce you tomorrow to a woman who had a very personal experience. On that day, living in New York will meet Shelley Genovese Calhoun tomorrow and hear her story.

Hope you can tune in for that think our engineer today.

Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine. See you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to day is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. A crew ministry help for today hope for tomorrow