How Anger Can Save A Marriage

If you found yourself getting angry about things that are happening in your family or in our world today. Author and pastor Scott Saul says it may be the drawn solid biblical ground with your anger the angry imperative. It's a command be angry and do not send me well if you go to the Romans, and it describes what that means. Hey, what is evil and cling to what is good and in order to cling to what is good.

You have to.

He was attacked the problem of people.

This is family life to our hosts are Damon and Wilson on Bob P&P can find us online@familylifetoa.com there is a right way to be angry and there certainly is a wrong way to be angry, especially in our current climate will talk about the right way on the wrong way today with pastor Scott Saul's stay with us and welcome to family life to. Thanks for joining us back. Last spring I saw a tweet that said critique gently encourage fiercely. I said that's good. I retweeted that one and I said I wonder how Twitter and the rest of the culture would be transformed if we all started doing that more than a course that we came from Scott Saul's who is with the city and in this he is right here with us again on family life today welcome again to be with you. Scott is a pastor from Nashville, Tennessee pastor, Christ Presbyterian Church is an author and a speaker and has written a new book called a gentle answer. Our secret weapon in an age of us against them, and we been talking this week about what gentle answers look like and how we how we grow in our ability to give them and I been thinking as we would have this conversation.

There's a difference between a gentle answer and a passive aggressive response. I think there are some people who would so I did that I give a general answer and what they were really doing was being passive-aggressive right I mean you seen that happen.

It's not gentle unless your beneficiary or victim of your gentleness says it's gentle that that's the person I just evaluate whether you've been gentle we can give a soft answer and it can still not be gentle right that is correct. I'm not. I've known example I remember our mutual friend Brian Moritz talking about in marriage how sometimes a husband or wife can be what he called the secret assassin where a wife will say something and Oswaldo okay. There was anything more and you might say let's not let felt like a gentle answer to me. I didn't say anything, but there's so much behind that okay I mean hidden behind that is I'm thinking menacing things about you. I'm plotting my revenge. I'm just not going give away any of the clues about what's going on and I think sometimes in marriage in a family we can say well I didn't say anything harsh and there's a difference between not saying something harshly and giving a gentle answer for years and even the nonverbal's can be hard.

What does well in your I partner down all of those things and that the Bible is telling us in this is what we been seen all week. There is relational power in the gentle answer when we are in the middle of escalating conflict and we give a gentle answer.

All of a sudden a lot of the de-escalating powers drained out of that conflict. And we find ourselves in a whole different place where maybe we can we can be shoulder to shoulder, rather than standing as opponents to one another. Yeah, I know one time in his Detroit Lions locker room I was in there for Bible study. Get ready to go in there was some I don't merit the issue, but some was breaking up between two position groups that locker beside each other and it was getting heated again. I wasn't at the beginning of this conversation walked in I saw this in my first thought is all I know I conflict them to go in the Bible study room and pray and wait for a by now.

Mike then or now. Maybe I need to be. I need to step in as almost a negotiator, but as I got closer to the corner like women you have to like rims a very big room so is 20 steps, one of the guys to swing like this is his arms, he put them upset okay okay stop and people are yelling at this time there no coaches there and I'm walking over think I'm to help and also the guy put his arms up said you're right I'm wrong. I thought I was right, but I realize I'm wrong and I'm really sorry this is all on me. This is not your issue. I am sorry. Let's talk in the whole room went and he was sort yelling at that point, but his posture was gentle, saying it was loud because he need to be heard but when he realized the problem in this conflict is not you guys it's me, and he admitted that the whole room. It's almost like a hologram I like okay well good there's unity over there. They're going to sit down again. Talk through the details, but the posture was more important than the word said it was like he was saying something strong, but it was gentle and I saw the whole it's like the whole temperature in the room just went. That's weird. I'm a neck anything.

The six most powerful words in a marriage, or I was wrong. I am sorry if you want to have a great marriage.

Make sure those words are a regular part of your vocabulary.

If those words are absent from the vocabulary of just one of you is saying those words consistently. That is a dysfunctional situation that needs help and you need a counselor.

Scott, the second half of your book a gentle answer.

You walk us through things we need to cultivate in order to be gentle responders.

The first thing you say is we've got to develop thicker skin.

These were really good and I kinda graded myself on each of these.

I think it gives us did on a good reminder of what it could look like. So thicker skin means not easily offended. Yes, that's certainly part of it.

You know we we are fragile people remember a quote from Mariah Carey in an interview wants where she said I can hear a thousand phrases in one criticism and that one criticism will destroy the thousand phrases in my heart and I think were BUILT that way it makes sense were built that way right were made in the image of God and why does God exist. First and foremost to be glorified and enjoyed it exist to be glorified and enjoyed by his creation by people and were made in that image and so there's a very natural right built into us godlike desire to be appreciated and loved and in all of those things, but were also we also have this problem. You know, called sin and offensive behavior. Things that we need to apologize for and we need to have a posture Bob that can be receptive to things that will help us grow. You know, we say. As Christians, which I know is the. The majority of your audience.

Since majority of my audience, we say that we want to grow into the likeness of Christ but we want to bypass the process right. We want to get to Easter without Good Friday. You know we we want to get the glory without discipleship and we want to get to to heaven without denying ourselves daily. Taking up the cross and follow Christ. And so we have to re-orient our understanding of a disagreement and to see that a disagreement can actually shape us like the Bible does because one of this agreement does like the Bible does is it points out blind spots that we have for willing to engage with my mentor Tim Keller and he got this from John Newton, the guy who wrote amazing Grace that that him. He says that even when were unfairly criticized, know that the really grown-up Christian thing to do is to get a quiet moment with somebody we trust and ask with them the question, are there any kernels of truth in this unfair criticism that I can learn from and that I can be an occasion for humility and repentance in and receiving afresh the grace of Jesus Christ. And I think if we can develop patterns and it's like exercising right is really hard in the beginning when you have ever done it before like this is miserable, and then after we kill. This isn't so bad.

And then after a month you like to start to feel good and after year you start to look like Dave Unitas written but it's something that has to be cultivated right it is like the character that can receive constructive feedback or even negative feedback. The character that can receive humbly doesn't cook up at us like a microwave it's a crock pot. It takes a long, long series in season of practicing.

You know the steps of humility each time. Work on confronted with how were not complete yet we say I'm a sinner.

Christ died for me, like, like, that's like the foundational thing of Christianity like you can't be a Christian if you're not a hypocrite. You can have a credible profession of faith. Unless you own the fact that your hypocrite you don't live consistently with what you say belief. And yet when we get in disagreements that is one Christian truth that we do not and we might even go to the grave denying it that were hypocrite. I will say it to God will save about ourselves in general and moments of non-conflict, but in a moment of conflict. We will not drill down with Darren drill down to the specifics but but the specifics are where God actually does work so I know I read a book years ago about Pixar and it was about how they had and I can't remember exactly how many number one blockbuster hits.

I think starting with Toy Story, but in this book is really interesting, John Lassiter, one of the CEOs of the company said here's how these movies became busters the writers would bring it into what they called the brain trust in the brain trust is both evaluate the script and say go do it or we gotta change some things and he said I'm gonna be honest every single number one blockbuster movie you've watched when it came in was horrible in the brain trust said here's a need to change this character doesn't work in this there was no attack on any individual is just this is not gonna work because of these reasons, go fix it in his point was you need a brain trust in your life to help you see things you don't see because they thought the movie was like done until they presented it and then I go and then they went away they fix those things. It was number one blockbuster are put in a book down going.

I'm a bad movie I'm a bad movie. I need people my life to go, dude, I don't think you know this by yourself. And if I reject that with my arrogance like he just says got up.

I am not a hypocrite, but if I receive that I could be a great movie. God could do something. I think part of God's purpose for marriage is he gives you partner to sand and allow her him to sharpen you to become what like Christ. So here she's sitting right here and she's going to speak truth, hopefully in love.

Sometimes not in love. Either way, it's a blind spot my life and I can say that's not true I can reject it or I can go on my goodness.

Thank you and I have minimal life to the same thing and I've done it with them there.

It is setting you I got a sharpen to be like Christ in my gonna push it back and never getting there. I think you're really good at this. Eli now, but I've seen you do with the kids. One of her sons went to the passion conference. He was in college, so he comes back home and he is fired up for Jesus because our church service we go out to lunch after and it's just the three of us to sign and date and I and he looks at Dave and he said that I was like oh boy, here we go. Best sermons I never give it to sell. Yet Dave has just given Mike. He just has done for services Inc. knows what he's talking about and he says I just feel like spiritually. There's not a lot going on right now and what happened during this lens, young college kid days been doing ministry amount down factories and I watched Dave put down his fork leaned across the table and said, tell me one when he might. I feel like my respect for you honey like I was amazed at your response. You could've said. I started this church. I've grown this church, but you are so humble in your response and I don't think a lot of people think I would get it at that. As you have been and I think the thing I love most about the conversation Dave had with our son if he went back to God and ask God is there truth and let my son said to me when I saw happen with a personal revival take place in Dave's life so that he wasn't just being defensive. Betty asked that I got is there truth and what my son spoke to me and I feel like here life changing as a result of that, our families life was kinda set on fire for Jesus even one which is a sign of deep spirituality like he's got is sorry, David, and son, but you might've missed one. He was right hand. Here he I'm I'm thinking of first Peter chapter 2 where one of the things Peter says about Jesus is when he was reviled. He did not revile in return.

So cultivating in us a patient's like humility are not easily provoked for the things Paul says about love in first Corinthians 13 it's not easily provoked, so cultivating a heart that is not quickly and easily wounded is a part of how we grow in being able to give a gentle response in one of the things you say and what the book Scott is.

We also have to learn how to do anger right as opposed to doing it sinfully so.

Coach us on that what we do when when our face starts to become flush and we can feel our blood pressure going up and we know what's coming next is not healthy or godly. How do we how do we deal with that. So II think your your listeners might actually or anybody opens of the table of contents my look at this book and sell. This looks like a bait and switch. Because when you read the chapter titles starts with the section about the gentleness of Christ toward us, but then the second section is the application partners five chapters that don't sound like our image of what gentleness means you will grow thicker skin. We do anger well received criticism graciously. We forgive all the way and we bless even our own betrayers. The sounds more gutsy and traumatic event that are in our image of nonselling Mr. Rogers right it doesn't.

But here's some about Mr. Rogers. You know what made him the way he was anger and pain is known as one of the most gentle public figures that is ever graced the unit of the American screen is bullied as a child he was overweight and he and his peers called him fat Fred and that really hurt him, and he vowed to grow up and be the kind of man who would reverse that shame narrative for children because he grew up with it and so his pain drove his gentleness and his anger that he did. He looked around at American society in particular in and felt like children do not get taken merely as seriously as they ought to their voices or shut down. You know you should be seen, but not hurting all of that and he says children how some of the greatest things to teach us and he was mad about that anger is a destructive energy but you know the question isn't shall we ever be angry because the destructive energy. The real question is what were trying to destroy. And if were trying to destroy people that are anger is rage its transition into toxic unhealthy and will try to destroy somebody were assassinating their character were discrediting them there got were gossiping about them were slandering about them were buying in the far right for left-leaning cable news narratives were buying into that we start committing a suicide right we assume caricatures about people reducing them to the very worst things we can think about them as people.

That's rage and window society thrives on rage. Rage is monetized in the first line and a general answer. The book is a quote from John Perkins who says that this this generation is the first generation is learned to turn hate into an asset. If we are attacking problems, not people. If we are angry at problems that is very godly think part of why God sent Jesus was because God got angry problem that's destroying us get angry at us. He got angry at the problem that that's enslaved us, sent right and Susan Jesus of anger and the Psalms as well as Ephesians actually say be angry and and you guys of dabbled somewhere along the way, I'm sure in Hebrew and Greek original languages for the old and New Testament. Unfortunately, I don't know why this happens in English translation, sometimes yelling and in John chapter 11 Jesus gets infuriated at death with a tonal language down for some reason this is a was deeply moved in spirit and and what really says we was mad as a hornet. He was angry as a raging bull is the language in the member were a little scared to present him as he actually is, and also in our English translations will say in your anger do not sin when in fact it says the angry imperative.

It's a command be angry and do not sin, but meanwhile, if you go to Romans it describes what that means.

Hate what is evil and cling to what is good and in order to cling to what is good. You have to hate with you attack the problem of people you're even CS Lewis. He said he's a Christian is a fighting religion. Mere Christianity.

Most most famous Christian books ever written.

Christianity is a fighting religion it it it looks at the world and it sees everything that's wrong and it goes on the attack. The reason why hospitals exists is because of Christians who got angry at sickness Christians in the hospital. The reason why Ivy League universities exist is because Christians got angry about the lack of education and undeveloped minds know the reason why the orphan care movement in the foster care movements got started was because Christians got angry, isolated, unloved kids and orphaned kids needed to go on and on and on and off civil rights movement. Somebody got angry at the injustices toward black people, and that movement was led by by Christian Martin Luther King Jr. and the likes of John Perkins who spoke about in the book as I keep going. But anger has fueled so many beautiful movements in the name of Christ over the years that have attacked problems while seeking to rescue people from those problems.

And I think about that in our marriages and our families and say if we can recognize as we've said for years that the we can remember marriage currently your mate is not your enemy, your mate to Allied. There is an enemy who wants to destroy your marriage and we should be angry at him. There are problems that may exist in your marriage and you should attack those problems without attacking one another and when we can figure out how to do anger right.

One of the things you talk about in the book, then we can be on the way toward a productive, healthy relationship that can bring honor and glory to God and I'm actually hoping there's a husband there's a wife is angry now in a righteous way at where their marriage may be enough like I've let it drift out of allowed mediocrity be the norm of our home and listening to you Skadden.

This broadcast for another like doing this is the day I'm mad enough to do some course. The only way to move into your marriage and make abettors gently secant storm in there and say you love me like you're supposed to woman you're going to have to walk in gently and tenderly. But anger should be.

It's okay to be the foundation because that as you just illustrated it is led to all kinds of great stuff and it can literally change your marriage and your legacy if you gently move in and say no more. This is not can have anymore.

I'm stepping into this marriage like I should come to do the right thing yet.

There are two challenges there. One is being raging at our spouse. The others raging in ourselves through self-loathing and I'm such a failure, etc. it's been so many years of the served tense undercurrent of anger may be toward one another that they may feel stuck. They may even read the chapter in the book and think you know this all sounds great but so much water under the bridge. We feel so stuck in and this is where a really good marriage and family counselor can be just a gift, and highly recommended. I mean II think I am probably in that category of people that have a real a strong, healthy marriage and we we go to counselor regularly to help us with where we we're still not arrived and in the things will never arrive. So we've always got things to work on and especially if in crisis.

You may not have the resources, just the two of you to know under your reverse and eight, 10, 20, 50 years of of on health but that doesn't mean there's not hope, because there are people who can really help with that stuff. But it's worth the money with the time it's worth it. Scott I'm absent here thinking how marriages would be different in the next four months if we started practicing what you're talking about in this book. If we were angry at the right stuff. If we develop your skin. If we started responding gently to one another with humility how our family culture be different.

Holder marriages be different. How would our country be different if we found the way to go through an election season with with humility and gentleness and wanting to listen to the other side rather than just to score points in an I hope people will get a copy of your book and read it and underline it and share with one another and and talk about how can we be this kind of a person. Thank you for coming over and spending this time with us and help us think about these things, my pleasure. Thanks and and we want to make your book available this week to any family like today listener who can help underwrite the cost of producing and syndicating this program so that others can hear practical biblical help and hope for the marriage and their families day in and day out, you help us reach more people more often. When you support the ministry of family life to if you're able to help with the donation today would love to send you Scott's book as a way of saying thank you the book again is called a gentle answer. Our secret weapon in an age of us against them. You can donate online@familylifetodate.com or you can call one 800 FL today make a donation over the phone, you're really investing in the lives in the marriages and the families of hundreds of thousands of people every day who are turning to family life today on radio on their mobile device listing as a podcast or listing on their Alexa device they're coming to us for encouragement and to be mentored and you make that possible when you donate so again you can donate online@familylifeto.com or call one 800 FL today. Thanks in advance for your support and we hope you enjoy Scott's book a gentle answer happy to send it out to you and we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend and I hope you can join us back on Monday to talk about what we do when we experience betrayal during marriage from a family member or from someone outside our family. We respond when we been betrayed till Walter joins us to talk with us about that you can join us as well. Thank our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today.

Family life to a is a production of family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow