The Shock of Betrayal

What we do when we learned that someone we've trusted has been untrustworthy.

Bill Waldrep experience that with a ministry associate and it hit him hard.

The first thing that happens is you think how can I be so stupid you know.

Why didn't I see the sign and suddenly your precious couldn't get better than this world is shattered and when your world is shattered. Now you have all of these broken pieces and don't trust because when a minute if I can trust. 10. Can I trust the other people in my ministry if I can trust him.

Can I trust the people in church so all of a sudden you don't trust anybody.

This is family life to date. Our hosts are David and Wilson and Bob Lapine can find us online. The family like to.com. Betrayal can rock our world. So how do we respond, how do we recover the Waldrep joins us today to help us think biblically about betrayal. Stay with us and welcome to family life to date. Thanks for joining us. You guys know from working with couples the point where you start to look and go. Can this relationship be rescued when trust has been violated in a significant way, the rebuilding of trust is one of the hardest things to do in a marriage relationship and family relationships and when there's been betrayal that leads to that breaking of trust you got hard work ahead of you to get to a relationship that can thrive. Yeah, I know how many years ago I walked out of one of my best friends house after he found his wife in an affair see was my best friend and neighbor and I was in some reason still is John's own small group with me and Betsy with Anna and God did say that marriage he did, but the betrayal and the herd and the journey he did not save it in a day or a month.

The hearing to quite a while talk to people who have been the betrayers who have violated the trust and even when the repentant and contrite and they they want to rebuild their still, this question of how long does it take to rebuild them. I said there don't answer to that. It takes as long as it takes, but it takes consistent behavior over time get ahead of ourselves.

We've got a friend who's back with us on family life. The day Bill Waldrep joins us feel welcome back with thank you. I am so excited to be back here, I have to tell you I first heard a message from Phil. We were just talking about this.

I don't know how many years ago a message that you did on prodigal's that is probably the message that I referred people to certainly on that subject. There's been no message that I've said you can listen to this. In fact, it's on our website@familylifetodo.com you can go listen to it, it's you got me wanting to lose weight and reclaim content on Chronicles and you been here before. We've interviewed you on this.

You've just written a book on this subject of betrayal and trust. It's called beyond betrayal overcoming past hurts beginning to trust again and this came out of an experience not in your marriage or family, but in a business situation ministry situation where you experience significant betrayal. It did you know I remember the day well because you going through life and everything's is wonderful. I ministry was clicking along and I can remember walking out of the house and thinking liturgy blesses so much it just cannot get better than this and I told my secretary that day. This is a catch up day and by that I mean this is a data wanting appointments. I want talk anybody. I just need to catch up on everything which to her meant note be my guardian. Do you know if they really need to be an important phone call and so when she buzzed my office and she said there two men here to talk to you and they need to see you and I immediately said well I don't have time and she said no. I think you need to talk to these two men. So, after trying to put it off. I said one of these ministry friends and she's like no I don't know who they are and she said, but they have badges and I thought okay this is a joke right and she's like note in their wearing suits and so I walked out and these two men said we need to talk to you walked into my office. I remember it was the first thing caught my attention was they closed the door. I didn't close the door and I sit down, they identify themselves from two different federal agencies and they said we gotta talk to you while you know when people come to your office like that. Nothing like maybe maybe they having personal problems and I realize will quickly know that was not why they were there and they looked at me and the first thing they did was we have to swear you to absolute secrecy and I might well you know and ministry confidentiality and they said on an unknown that we don't mean just confidentiality. You need understand what you are about to learn involves a major investigation and if you even hand to someone who we are, are that we came by here lives could be lost and live including your wife Fred, including my own life and I'm like okay you have my attention and I really don't want it participated. Basically they said you must, and what days shared with me over the next few minutes was they were investigating a money laundering investigation and just be real quick for people who are familiar with that. That's where people who were involved in illegal activity, namely drugs will take money and they mix it with good things. They missed it, mix it with legitimate businesses, organization, and the idea is when they get on the trail of the money I can't trace it and so I am sitting there and I said okay and they said we we think that you have an employee may be involved in this and I was just in shock, because I'm like we have wonderful employees in all of God. They're all involved in church and they said we need your help. Were they thinking that this employee was running money through your ministry that say I think at one point dead by the time they came to see me. I think they had eliminated that are and it involve potentially some family members-family friend appears that there is a Huntington of absolutely somebody that I had known for years that had been involved in launching our ministry. The one person that I would have said I I'm an only child, so any brothers or sisters. The one person that I would've said was the closest thing to an earthly brother I never had. So I immediately defended it was logical is not true and I said well you can help us to prove that it's untrue and you know II don't want to imply I was not in any way an informant or anything like that. They just needed to know some basic things and there were some questions they needed regarding some future travel plans that I needed to help them with and I was willing to do that but I can tell my wife I can tell anyone else. In fact, when they left they even give me the cover I was to tell them that they were trying to help someone at a Nearby Pl. near Austin and Huntsville Alabama were nasty as it was trying to get a higher clearance and they were there talking about the clearance check is your secretary to come back and say what will you guys were they here absolutely.

So here you are in ministry and you got a cover story which is a lie right. I mean, you're in a tough spot. You're trying to work with the government, but right you. It was a tough place for you to be and this went on for three or four months. How are you feeling in the Nixon S. Well, I was scared because I think any time someone draws a?

Over someone you immediately wonder, is there any truth to this, and fortunately three months later and I I met with them and under some very unusual circumstances. Much of that.

I still can't tell they have very creative ways of communicating with you and because I knew someone might be watching me, which is a scary thought and I just had to tell my wife just this is one time you have to trust me there something going on and looking back it's almost like a movie but three months later, one of the gentlemen came to see me and he so I come to to bring you good news and bad news. He said the good news is your employees not involved in I think is very important know he was not involved in any illegal activity nor was anyone in his family about their completely clear. Thank you for your help and I said I'm so glad it's exactly what I expected but I remember as he was leaving he turned around and he said, but as a fellow believer. I need to tell you, you have an employee who is not what you think is nothing illegal, but he's not what you think is drop right. Well, it is because he wasn't able to tell me what he knew for several reasons, but he told me where to go look and when I went to look at phone records that Christmas was in the days before we had cell phones and and you know you had to have a long distance carrier, and so on.

The bills and I begin to realize he was having for five and six hour long distance conversations with people. There was no reason for that. At three in the morning and when I began to investigate and I call, I realize he had a very serious issue in his life, and I gathered all the proof because you and someone's betraying you. You don't want to initially admit it because you know admitting of the trail means I have got to deal with it.

So a lot of times when there's someone in a see all the signs of baby someone being unfaithful in marriage. You kinda turned your head because if I if it's true, I got to do with a friend. If it's my spouse or whoever you want to believe the best. Maybe put your head in the sand right sure you don't he do with the pain and so but it when it became very obvious so my initial response was I said down confronted him he was very broken, very repentant. I've got an issue I need help, but at that point I'm like freight you know what will work through this.

I'll get you counseling and we did and then a few months later I learned he was missing counseling appointments. There was something always coming up I found through his wife that he had returned to the behavior and then I had to have the hard conversation and say you you can't be involved in ministry here now he chose to resign but I'm glad he did because that probably made a little easier for me but then there was a bit of a campaign to try to deny what was true and trying to deal with his wife and going through that betrayal. But for me it was the pain of how could I trust someone because even any time there's a betrayal you can unfaithful spouse. The first thing that happens is you think how can I be so stupid, you know, why didn't I see the signs, and suddenly your precious couldn't get better than this world is shattered and when your world is shattered. Now you have all of these broken pieces and you don't know who to trust.

Because when a minute if I can trust him.

Can I trust the other people in my ministry if I can trust him. Can I trust the people at church so all of a sudden you don't trust anybody and that's where I found my place and I have to tell you, it took me nearly 20 years to really get to a place not a forgiving or I could say my heart is healed from that experience how and you know it puts a? On every relationship you have and all of a sudden people are guilty until they prove their innocence. So that affects every relationship you have and that's where I was and so I said down and started through my own experience and through Scripture and through friends to learn you know what you can get beyond the trail you can trust again and the good news is the sun shines again and life can be good again about your sent 20 years 20 years. The sun shines again. I ma'am think of. So my thinking okay this is really really good friend for you. If this is my spouse. Is it 30 years 40 Army as I know every journey is different, but 20 years that also long time. I do believe this. I think in a married situation, and particularly in light of it depends on the betrayer you know if the betrayer is truly repentant truly broken and is willing to be an open book.

Many times when someone is the betrayer. They will beat out the first thing they say, especially the marriage as well. You just need to trust me get over and I look at people and say that's easy for you to say you are the betrayer and for me. I kept trying to do the big Christian thing. I kept trying.

His wife are given a mind over it. I said I have forgiven him, and I am over it while I wasn't over it and in reality I really hadn't forgiven him, and because there was a lot of financial ramifications and you know when something is shattered. It's often the innocent that has to pick up the pieces and for me I was kept picking up those pieces and I was so angry because I wanted him to be repentant.

I wanted him to acknowledge it.

Do I remember this right when you went to him the first time and laid out the evidence he seemed to repent he confessed he acknowledged you thought like we all do we want redemption.

We want somebody to be healed from that unit ought to give grace right that you thought all this is good and felt like for a while maybe the corner had been turned only to find that that was false repentance.

There's a difference between worldly sorrow. I was caught I was wrong. I'm sorry and godly sorrow where you see the fruit of repentance, you saw worldly sorrow from your friend and coworker, but he was still harboring the behaviors. Looking back, I think he feared the consequences. I been caught in a many times those of been involved in ministry at the local jail will tell you that the person who's a career criminal is going to be there a long time is much easier to deal with than the guy that got brought in last night for DUI because a guy with you. I want to repent. Men go talk to my wife. There were more about the consequences, and I looking back I think he was trying to control the consequences of his behavior rather than being genuinely repentant because when you're genuinely repentant. You are open to accountability. You are open to say whatever it takes. I'm willing I'm ready and able and for me I did not receive that from him. And so I had to deal with it in more serious ways, but the big thing was I kept trying to heal him when I needed to heal myself when he mean by well meaning you know we always want the betrayer to change, you need to do this this and this and I had to realize before I could deal with that God had to bring a healing in my own heart that I had to walk through what it meant to forgive as much of what I had heard about forgiveness. I found not to be the case and what does forgiveness look like and then how do I rebuild my world and one of the things that really bothered me was he had shattered my dream and my vision you know you're going through life and your everybody lives you know if you're in ministry. You have this vision of this is what were going to do in this you know it. I see it in church life and all of a sudden of staff members. Everyone loves is been unfaithful or you know you have a child abuse situation in the church make out whatever list you want and when people go through those experiences.

It sets you back in such a church back it said she back personally.

It set you back financially when your world is shattered and your sent back then you get kinda bitter because now you got pick up all these pieces and sometimes you don't get to fulfill the vision know, I know people who have gone through an unfaithful spouse and the spouse did not want reconciliation. Now all of a sudden you're your single mom your single dad.

You know this perfect world of happy mom and dad and two great kids in and out the condo on the beach is suddenly shattered and so your security is gone, and for me. I knew that was gone. But first before I could deal with that.

I had to deal with a healing in my own head and when did you realize you need to deal with your own healing because I know initially, even ring your bucket wasn't like the next week.

I know in my own life a few years ago a guy betrayed me on our staff in our church and I I was the guy like okay I've dealt with it. I confronted him he lied to me Bubba months later on Mike, I'm good.

I think I'm good and that his name came up in a conversation I I just exploded my son looked at me and said do what was Anna Mike oh I am in healed. I mean started the process so it was like a warning light on the dashboard of my soul going dude, you can look at this, when did that happen for you you is interesting what you said two things are at their height can identify with number one, it was my daughter who said to me that you need to deal with this. That's typical that other people see enough before we even realize. Oh definitely and here's one of the ways you can always tell if I'm if I'm just at a dinner conversation and someone brings up a betrayal in their life. Would we don't have to be discussing the book but they just bring it up say something nice about the betrayer. My husband he was unfaithful to me and I just can't believe he did that to me.

So you say you know but he was one of the best singers of ever heard say something positive about the betrayer watch their reaction because if they have to go into character assassination. They haven't dealt with it because you know when you get to the point we really forgiven someone you may not trust them. That's totally different but forgiveness means I really do want God's best for you. So when God starts blessing the person who betrayed you and you can legitimately rejoice in it. Now you've work through it, but you don't get there in a week. You don't get there in a year for me. It took 20 years. I know people is taken longer but I think it's when you can actually come to the place doesn't mean you hire them again doesn't mean you have to remarry them. I mean with all of those issues, but you come to that place where, if God chooses to bless them. I'm not to be angry guy you map out a process that you went through, and that others can go through in your book beyond betrayal and and we want to take our listers into that process this week, but I just am curious how you thought of God in the midst of this, he could have alerted you protected. You warned you, and yet he allowed this to be a part of the story that he took you on how to make sense of that. You know I have to tell you that was one of the hardest things that I went through because for me is God. When did you have to use someone from the federal government to make me aware what was going on. And the Lord said well, but I did use them to make you aware and I think part of it. It was God's timing and to understand that in the midst of my pain.

God wanted to teach me something that God certainly was not behind his behavior not only imply that. But God wanted to teach me something because I really believe that people who have been through deep betrayal have an opportunity to walk through something that are our Savior walk through that until you are betrayed you will never understand, and it helps you to love people and to be Christlike and I really did. I was angry at God, you know, not publicly, because you know we learned that certain ways were supposed to say but I was probably angry at God, got hi could you give me a vision he he be a part of it and it shattered, but I went through that and what I found is that there was nothing. I told God he didn't already know, and so I was very honest but to come through that and going back and learning and really spending time understanding from Genesis to the revelation and so I really came to the point with my personal walk with the Lord.

The Lord says now I can teach you something through this.

I'm guessing just about every listener. As we've had this conversation has had a name or names that have come to mind. Absolutely because it's the reality of the human experience of living in a fallen world.

Betrayal is a part of relationships, the potential is always there at the reality is occasionally there, and when it happens. It's devastating. Whether it's in a marriage and family or work relationship or an old friend. Whatever it is that loss of trust and betrayal is so wounding to our souls. It is deep. That's why names are coming to people's mind making of mine it hurts is really it isn't. It isn't superficial. It's down in the soul and I was thinking Bob in your Senate how many people thought of my name you know that I've hurt them, because we always think I haven't heard anybody like I've been hurt and yet there's probably people that have our names coming up that had to forgive us. I have to say that you know all your absolutely right. I have heard people which makes me then go to the next step two. I need to go to someone and ask for forgiveness fills book. As I said gives us all a strategy a path to walk on if we have been betrayed trust has been violated and we find ourselves in that place of pain. We want to make your book available this week to any of our listeners who may be in this spot themselves or you may know someone who has been betrayed recently. Get a copy of Phil's book beyond betrayal overcome past hurts and begin to trust again. It's our gift to you this week when you make a donation to support the ongoing work of family life to day. Our mission here at family life is to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world one home at a time. So when you support this ministry to help us reach more people more often with the kind of practical biblical help and hope you heard today. You can donate easily online@familylifetodate.com or you can call to donate one 800, FL, today is our number when you invest in the work of family life to day. Be sure to request your copy of the book beyond betrayal overcome past hurts and begin to trust again by Phil Waltrip will send it out to you along with our thanks for your support of the ministry. Again, you can donate a family life to date.com or call one 800 FL today to donate them tomorrow morning to continue talking about what it looks like to forgive and what it looks like to trust again after betrayal letter to the marriage relationship or any kind of betrayal you've experienced. Phil Waltrip will join us again tomorrow.

Hope you can join us as well, thank our engineer today. Keep Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts Dave and Ann Wilson. I'm Bob Lapine. See you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to day as a production family life of Little Rock, Arkansas.

Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow