Stages of Grief Over Betrayal

As a pastor and Bible teacher Phil Waldron knew that if someone betrayed him.

He had a responsibility before God to forgive that person when betrayal happened. Phil recognize there were some things about forgiveness. He still needed to learn. I had always misunderstood forgiveness. I thought if I forgave someone it meant I had to immediately restore the relationship to the same level it was before the betrayal, meaning if I forgave him. That meant I had to hire him again and I'm like no forgiveness does not mean I have to restore the relationship. At the same level it was before the betrayal. This is family life to date her hosts are Dave and Ann Wilson on Bob Payne can find us online@familylifetoday.com. What does it look like to forgive a betrayer what's included in that forgiveness and what isn't talked today with Phil Waltrip about that. Stay with us and welcome to family life to date. Thanks for joining us. I think most people are familiar with the famous five stages of grief you know that when somebody experiences grief there.

The stages you walked in going through this for years with the Detroit Lions have access to capital and the Still in anger as a chaplain hellhole. It's interesting because you can follow people on a journey often when they've experienced deep grief were talking this week about the issue of betrayal and there are stages that we go through when we experience betrayal. That kind of mirror those stages of grief, but there's some uniquenesses to this as well and I also think you don't get to the other side of betrayal to forgiveness without going through. It isn't like I can fly over this tunnel. I can driver know you go through that dark tunnel and it's gonna be chaotic and it's not can be fun but at the end of it. There is light but your neck get there unless you go through so you're saying that if if somebody becomes aware of betrayal and their first response is. I forgive you, they probably probably not. Haven't really really dealt with this at all. I think there is a lot of talk around the grief process. But I don't think there's a lot of help in the betrayal process. There is now because you have filled elder of who is joining us again on family life. The day has written on this bill. Welcome back.

Thank you. It's great to be here. Phil is a ministry leader and author or speaker, what we've talked about the fact that I think of him as the go to person on the issue of prodigal's with what he's written and how he spoken on that and now the book is written called beyond betrayal gives us a path to follow when trust has been violated, and when we've experienced betrayal, whether it's in a marriage and family setting or in a workplace setting. You've already shared with us about your own experience a profound betrayal with a friend and coworker who was leading a double life and ultimately had the leave the ministry and his marriage ended as a result of one came out and that awareness that your friend had betrayed you was just the beginning of what became a years long journey for you to walk the path of healing from the betrayal you experience. Well it was and for me it was understanding that this process would take time. I begin to think that there were certain things that happened that I would be beyond it. For example, okay.

His last day in the office and now he's gone and I'm I'm beyond, it moved out of the area. I will be beyond and none of those things I was able to get beyond the betrayal because the issue was not him. The issue was me that.

Granted, he was the one who send. He was the one who betrayed me, but at this point it's God dealing with my life and helping to heal the hurts in my life but also helping me to come to the place where I could genuinely forgive him. And behold, once again, this was somebody who had represented himself. One way in terms of ministry work saying I'm a go to the city. For this reason, there was another purpose that you didn't know about that. This money is for this. There were other purposes. So when all of this came to light.

You entered into what is kind of the beginning point. When you understand betrayal you got angry.

Didn't I did, in fact, before I got angry I denied it. Even when I got through the experience you still try to find reasons to say this didn't happen or to say well you know sometimes people and so I knew it was going to happen.

I saw it coming out. You know what were going to be strong, but I kept trying to deny it in my own life because you know for me I was feeling guilty because how can I have been so dumb and one of the things that didn't help and let me say this for all of those relisting have been through betrayal. Your spouses been unfaithful there always. I call him the friends of Job humor Job in the Old Testament and friends come you going to a Christ is and they give you advice.

I've always thought it was rather interesting when you read the book of Job, we find in the first three chapters what happened in Chaco but for the next 27 or 28 chapters is the advice of his friends. When you go through a betrayal. There are a lot of people who will step in your life to give you advice now. Usually, the advice starts this way.

Well, I thought about coming in telling you what I saw and what I need, when you get angry at why didn't you come tell me why you in there trying to they really trying to sympathize with your empathize we they really are trying to be helpful.

And then of course they start telling you all of their betrayals and generally they have been healed from their betrayals. So then we start having pity parties and we start comparing what your betrayals worse than my betrayal. In fact, it's interesting. One of the harshest letters that I've received after beyond betrayal. This book came out was from a lady who said you don't know what betrayal is and she told me about her very painful marriage and I wrote her back and I said no marriages went on a spouses been unfaithful. I think that is probably the deepest betrayal you can experience and very close to that would be a sexual abuse situation, but I am no way comparing a business to that, but the pain is still real regardless of whether betrayal is but once I got through the denial and I had to come to the realization I did get angry now. People think of anger as throwing things and screaming at people I didn't do that. For one thing, I'm in ministry so I know you know I I have to do that along with the Lord, but inwardly I was angry towards the Lord.

I was, how could you let this happen. Why didn't you let me see what was going on. I was angry toward him. I was angry at one point for brief time towards his wife because she knew but she was dealing with her own pain and why did other people who I Len found out later were aware of some things, but they didn't come tell me and so I I was so angry, you know, Paul said be angry and sin not. I don't think anger in and of itself is sinful.

I mean, Paul made it very clear.

It's what I do with that anger. And you know when I see people who get involved in human trafficking that makes me angry but I I want to channel that in a constructive, helpful, productive way. But when anger reaches and grips your heart and it begins to control you and control your thoughts and your actions. That's not healthy at and that's what the Bible means what it says that the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God like you for not handling it rightly, it can be very destructive, and most people don't. That's true even in ministry, so he didn't throw things.

He said so what did would you do well, you know there's something and I I recommend this in my book, beyond the trail, but there's something I did that I have done for years but I had not done it to the level I'd always been a person who kept a journal now. I really A journal because there's so many things going on in ministry, you forget, and I was here and I was there and you want to preserve that for your family and for ministry that I never really poured my feelings into my journal and so I began to set on every day and in my journal told the Lord and even in some cases, my friend, on paper exactly what I was feeling something something David did this true. In fact, you know, when you read the book of Psalms.

I tell people the book of Psalms is really a book of David's feelings of betrayal and he put how he felt doubt there were times that I will things on paper.

I gotta be honest, I shredded it when I got through. I don't know if I want to read it again.

What I discovered was by putting words to paper. It allowed me to process what was taking place because unfortunately many times when were angry we verbalize it to other people and you can't take that word you say you can't take back what you said to your child or your spouse or your neighbor or your best friend or your pastor what you said in anger and you are someone who travels and speaks in churches all the time when the reasons why I talk about betrayal is I discover most people in the church never process the betrayal in their church. Well, that we call that unforgiveness, but they haven't processed it in one of things I want have people do is process it and for me to do with the anger stage was put it to paper. Write it down.

I think of my own journey here and and my tendency Phil is going to be to jump past how I'm feeling and go to how I think I'm supposed to be feeling and write that down. And that's because I'm a good Christian. I know good Christians aren't supposed to feel this way. So I'll just for will compartmentalize how I'm feeling and write down how I think I'm supposed to be feeling much more self-controlled than I but that's not what David did. That is not what the book of Psalms is there something that's actually God wants us to enter into and own up to and say no, don't. Let's not go to where you're supposed to be. Let's go to where you really are and let's be honest about that because that'll help you get to where you need to be. This is a really good step, because I know that I felt a betrayal with the woman that I knew I felt like she not only betrayed me, but then she was gossiping about me and so instead of going to God, journaling, what I was feeling I would get on my computer and I'm getting ready to send an email and I'm telling you, I just invented all of it, but I was wise enough then to take that to God and said I'm right about to hit the sand and he said Lord can I send because I wanted to because in betrayal you want to hurt the other person every single time I was about to hit that sand God would bring me back to Luke and every time I would hear this blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, and so every time I felt like I missing love your enemies, do good to those who hurt you. You don't put boundaries up but every time I felt like okay I need to go to God before I go to my computer and send an email because God is the one that can sift through the anger in the betrayal. First that's been helpful.

There was few days when I wrote those emails you did yet but here's what I did.

The Lord told me I could write all the emails I wanted and I could send them. Provided that I used an email address that came back to me seen how easy it was. I send it I got the feelings of having yeah but then it went over here to an email box that only went to me and that sounds to you, but it is is very helpful. To put it to paper. That's what there's another part of this anger that you talk about this in the book in betrayal we move into isolation do we isolate ourselves or do we find ourselves isolated because of the trail we isolate ourselves because we don't want to be hurt again and I think there's a natural tendency for us to think a person or persons has hurt me the best way to prevent future pain is to isolate myself from people, so we think if we build this big wall around our heart.

If I build it high enough to keep people out.

I'll never be heard again the problem is a wall high enough to keep people out is a wall high enough to keep love out and God created us for relationships and he created us for love if he didn't, he would've created the earth with millions of little islands and given us all our own island, but he didn't do that. He created us interact with people and so we don't want to isolate ourselves emotionally and you can be physically present and yet be absent all the same time you want to be present. You don't want to hurt the people who hurt you. I don't know who said this, I searched several places and I find it is always an attribute it to someone who's anonymous but it really spoke to me. It said if you don't heal. What hurts you. You will bleed on people who didn't cut you and that really helped me to understand that I was. It was affecting my wife. It was affecting my kids. It was affecting other people in our ministry even though I thought I was walking with God, and I was spiritual, but your points are great one. We isolate because we just had the experience of a violation of trust and what we thought was love and safe. It's it's not. And so we think. Why can't go near relationships anymore because that's the danger that's the threat, and we have to recognize know God made us for relationships. First, for a relationship with him and then for relationship with others. Isolation is not an option that we can live with. Right.

And it's not healthy. I mean, there's a reason why I Lord created the church was for us to be with people who had been through their own experiences and livings it was helpful to me was I found myself drawn to some older senior adult believers that I know 20 years ago. 50 years ago had gone through a betrayal, and some of them were willing 75, 80, €85 to go to lunch with me and they just let me tell my story and then they looked at me and they didn't tell me their stories because most of them I knew their stories but they walk through what the Lord had taught them and they kept assuring me you're going to get there. With time, but I tell you one of the things I learned during the experience that was so helpful for me. I had always misunderstood forgiveness and explain how I thought if I for gave someone it meant I had to immediately restore the relationship to the same level it was before the betrayal, meaning if I for gave him. That meant I had to hire him again.

A lady recently. We were talking and she was struggling with forgiveness and she said you know my ex-husband molested our trial, but if I forgive him. Does that mean I have to bring him back into the house whole.

It was a stepfather situation and I'm like no no no. Forgiveness does not mean I have to restore the relationship. At the same level. In fact, it's speculation, but it's worth considering what you've Judas had repented what would've been his role in the New Testament church would have been at the level of an apostle or would he have just been an average member. Now that's total speculation and is a little dangerous to go there but think of that fought for just a moment. Forgiveness does not mean I have to restore the relationship. At the same level only. Trust can do that. So here's the illustration I've used your 18-year-old son comes home and Lisa's mom, dad, I I was driving too fast tonight and I got into a wreck and I dinged up the fender and and and you say, are you okay yes I'm okay, but how much damage the car.

Well I think it's pretty damaged and he says a hops I'm so sorry, I should've been driving that fast.

Will you forgive me and you say course, we forgive you and that he says got the keys to mom's car, you don't know or not give you the keys to mom's car got some work to do forgiveness and rebuilding trust are two completely different function. They can't start rebuilding trust if forgiveness hasn't happened.

But you can't assume that because forgiveness is happen. Trust has been restored or that it can ever be fully restored. Given the level of the betrayal you know it's interesting in the Bible we are told to encourage people love people exert people and were told many times to trust God. But you know there's not one verse in the Bible that tells you to trust people, not one because trust must be earned. We trust people either based on our personal experience or through someone we trust in their experience. You know I came here today to do this interview. Granted, that's because I've been here before, but if it was my first visit. I'm like I don't know these people are they going to do what they say they do know. But there are people that I know that I trust who have been here before and that's a simple illustration but it's the same thing in life. And when someone has shattered trust they need to understand it takes time to build that trust you know I don't walk out of here today and walk out here and see somebody on the street. I've never seen before, never met and I said look like I need to run down here. Would you might hold in my wallet while I go, you don't do that because I don't know that person. Trust is something that takes time and once it is shattered. It has to be put back together with time. That's a reason why again I say every person who is the betrayer you must be accountable if you're trying to rebuild your marriage.

You have to say you can look at my phone every time here. All of my passwords if I'm somewhere and I'm a little longer than I need to be. I'm going to call you have permission to call and I say to the betrayer that may be a little bit of a burden to you, but you need to understand. That's the only way you're going to rebuild is not down a Lego set in five seconds and is going to take a day maybe to rebuild here. Here's a question can you forgive someone and not be reconciled and I relationship I think so and I say the reason why again I will use the painful experience of sexual abuse. A dear friend who was terribly sexually abused when she was a child by her father and years later he came to know the Lord, and he wanted her forgiveness.

She walks through that experience she forgave him that she said to him, dad.

I don't want you around my children. I just don't feel comfortable with you being around my children and people judged her for that they saw you shouldn't do that and she said no I'm not comfortable I forgiven my debt because for me, and I think scripturally.

Forgiveness means I give up my rights to revenge when I get the opportunity to get even with you. I choose not to get even.

So that means if I'm in a situation and someone says something nice about the person who betrayed me. I don't feel this need to settle the score are to correct the gossip or to send the emails know I can sit there and say I wish Scott's best I don't have to clarify to everybody what they did to me. Forgiveness means that I don't get the right to be even and I tell you one of the days there couple days that I knew I had forgiven the person who betrayed me in one of those was 20 years later, when I'd walk through this and I think really I have to say I think this was an experience. The Lord let me go through. 20 years later I get a phone call and he's applied for a job and they wanted a reference and I'm thinking what am I going to say so I told the Lord isolate any wisdom and it was like the largest motor minds and answer their questions and they want to know was employed and they asked me to three things concerning his work ethic which was good. He was really a workaholic and I said thank you and hung up the phone and they did save anything else you want to tell us and I said no, I'll just answer your questions so I didn't say anything unkind. I didn't say anything untruthful, but for me when I hung up the phone I have to tell you, pardon my honesty here. I feel good because I realize here was an opportunity what I could inflict pain upon him, and I could let him possibly not get this job. He wanted but I didn't help. Pardon me for patting myself on the back, but the Lord let me have that experience just to realize I really had forgiven one of the fruit or benefits of real forgiveness is freedom right you're not controlled anymore by that person and you had freedom when I forgive my dad I stood on my church stage many times and said to the men and anybody really I'm free and I was in Frito is like 35 years old.

I don't think I became a man till 35 because I was sort of in bondage to a man who walked out of me when I was little boy and I couldn't forgive him. I actually I could. I chose not to until I allow God to do it, but the freedom that comes when you can love them and wish them well and give up your right to punish something. It's beautiful and you experience that in that moment you had freedom to go. I don't have to control the situation. I can bless him and they don't control me right, you're right. You have to know there are people who can relate to the pain we talked about today can relate to the isolation we talked about the day there not a place where they can relate to the freedom or to the forgiveness there still on this journey and in process and this is where I think you need people around you who are not like Job's friends, but who will sit with you and in your pain be with you. You need people who can coach you and counsel you need a book like the book fills written beyond betrayal overcome past hurts and begin to trust again that were making your book available this week filled to any of our listeners who have experienced betrayal or if you know someone who is going through this and you want to help them get a copy of Phil's book beyond betrayal. It's our thank you gift this week when you support the ongoing work of family life to day. This is something we have been helping couples with for decades because betrayal in marriage is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome. When trust has been violated, trying to rebuild trust is not something you do overnight. You don't do this in a few weeks with a couple counseling sessions. This takes time and it takes consistency.

It takes humility. It takes a work of the Holy Spirit and family life to exist to help effectively develop godly marriages and families.

First of all to keep betrayal from happening, but to help us understand how to respond when it does happen, and how to rebuild a relationship. So again if you can help with the donation to help the ongoing work of family life to date. Continue go to family life to. They.com donate online or call one 800 FL today and be sure to ask for your copy of Phil Waldrep's book beyond betrayal. It's our appreciation gift to you for your partnership with us here in the ministry of family life to day.

We are grateful and were happy to send a copy of Phil's book out to you as a way of saying thank you tomorrow were going to talk about the process of rebuilding trust what that includes how you can figure out if somebody really is trustworthy again or not. It's not an exact science will talk more about it tomorrow. Waldrep will be with us again. I hope you can be here as well. Thank our engineer today. Keith Lynch along with our entire broadcast production team on behalf of our hosts David and Wilson and Bob Lapine see you back next time for another edition of family life today. Family life to day as a production family life of Little Rock, Arkansas. Accrue ministry help for today hope for tomorrow