How Should a Christian Date? | Eric Demeter

Anything worth doing, whether it's going to school, finding your calling all that takes work and it probably will take a few dates at least for you to meet that that right person, but again God wants to empower you with his grace and empowerment with in that search welcome to building relationship.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times, the five love language today.

I guess says you can toss the book about Christian dating out the window not as complicated as we made it to me so says Eric demoed her with regard to resource today. How should a Christian day funded five love languages.com this is a special summer best broadcast Building Relationships.

When we open the phone lines each month.

This is one of the recurring questions that you are asked a lot of absolutely crisp motorcycles listen to the program and have questions about dating as well as other relationship so I'm excited about their conversation with Eric, let me introduce them. Eric demoed her DEM ETR is a relationship and conflict resolution specialist with advanced studies in mediation, peacemaking, and negotiation from the Korbel school of International studies at the University of Denver and peacemaker ministries is currently a missionary with youth with a Mission or why Wam based in Athens Greece where he disciples young people from the Middle East and teachers conflict resolution and healthy relationships to why web staff and missionary students. His experiences growing up listening to heavy metal working alongside ex-convicts and being raised in the Roman Catholic tradition give him the ability to connect well with people of diverse relief systems you got here that today he considers every reader a friend and challenges everyone to become more like Christ in everything they do. So if you go to five love languages.com you will see our featured resource. How should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think you can find it@ 5lovelanguages.com welcome to Building Relationships. Thanks so much for having me.

You have a wide range of life experiences is Christopher shared tell us a little about yourself and why this topic is something you're so passionate about yeah you know I had a mentor wonderful mentor said that he passed away at an early age, but he was a professor of family therapy and he took me under his wing in 2000 2001 and he just poured into me was really helpful in my healing process taught me how to date well taught me how to communicate well. His his passion for relationships was contagious so I think that that affected me a lot and I saw when I became a Christian at 21 I I looked at Christian dating and and I was a Christian dater myself and I saw that there were some gaps I read some really really good books and I saw that I could also contribute to the conversation with with my unique experience. Many of us are familiar with why Wam and this crusade to spend a lot of your time in Athens, Greece, and you spend some time here in the state. So were just delighted that we can have this conversation with you today to speak a word to the Christian singles are out there.

I think a lot of them sometimes feel like there left out when they go to church but the pastors preach on marriage and parenting usually have sermons to single adults look to say a word of encouragement to them. Yeah, that your whole person. Whether you're married or not you can be just as much mature and complete, being single as you are married. Sometimes, that the church touts marriage is the be-all and end-all, and you sort of arrived in life. But just because you're married doesn't make you mature, it just makes you married so you can lead as fulfilling up a life and I serve God love people that you know your friends, your family and lead a really rich life. Whether you're single or or decide to get married and you mentioned earlier do you read a lot of books on dating from a Christian perspective. But what we gotten wrong typically about dating from the Christian moral perspective.

I want to speak in the same time I have to be very humble and in my criticism because I'm part of that Christian single dating crowd. I think one of the things that we do though is will be over spiritualize our language we can use God at at times, you know. So instead of just saying hey I like you, what you would you want to go go out in the date and offered up some people instead of you seeing that clear questions say stuff like God told me this and God told me that I see that God might have spoken to you.

And that's great and I never want to know challenge how someone heard from from God because maybe they they did.

But the thing is is that that kind of spiritual over spirit scriptural language is not helpful in dating, so we need to be clear and we need to speak from our our heart because I don't know really any woman that wants to hear God told me to ask you out.

I think that woman would say well that's great that God thinks that what you because it probably communicates audit really want to do this but yeah yeah and and when we break up, you know, some sometimes we play the God card is that you know God didn't give me peace about your God said that I'm not going to marry you again maybe he maybe God did, but people want to know what what you think. And so we sort of use God as a hook to get what we want and we can use him as an escape hatch. When you want out so you don't believe that God is given us 10 Commandments of dating yeah I like to say that God didn't invent dating that we did our our culture did, but he deftly still cares about how we get there. He cares about the process. I mean, God created marriage and he loves Mary she loves relationships and he uses dating forward, for better or for worse, to get people married but yet the Bible primarily focuses on marriage and who to look for in a spouse and I talk about how to actually date and I think God gives us a big yard, you know, if you think about big yard, God gives us a lot of options and different ways to today different ways to meet people, but there is offense and that's God's moral boundaries. So I think that with in that sense with within God's best.

Within the scriptural mandates we are free to try different ways of updating and see what what works for us what you think.

There's so much confusion about dating in the Christian world as your question, I think that there's a lack of teaching, I haven't heard many sermons on singleness and on dating I've heard maybe one or two on steam singleness from you know up front from the pulpit. I heard one or two but not any on dating and I think that the that the church has such an opportunity to invest in the lives of sequels and those who are our dating.

So I think we we need some good teaching some good preaching. Often churches date they they deftly care about marriages. They care about. When couples get engaged but I think that they enter the relationship to late so I think that they need to enter in and disciple singles who are our dating before their outreach and engagement. Thanks for joining us for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" if you like to know more about our guest or learn your love language go to our website. Five love languages.com today.

Eric diameter is helping singles our featured resources. His book, how should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think. Find out more at our website. Five love languages.com that's five love languages.com circulation earlier that dating is a cultural thing that is is not found in all cultures of the world. We have a course in the Western world what what you think is the value of dating or what is the purpose of dating from from your perspective or Christian perspective, asking that the value is that you get to know someone and hopefully a safe and environment and you get to go on different dates and that helps you choose me if we were raised in a culture where prearranged marriages was the norm. Then I think we would do it. You know, totally totally different.

They actually commit. First, as opposed to we sort of have a slow hello you know a slow burn. So there are plus buses and minuses to both and I would say that the main benefit of updating is you get to build that that friendship with someone and learn about them before you actually commit for four marriage and then learning can be true even if the dating relationship does not lead to marriage. Right yeah all all healthy dating is beneficial. You can learn a lot about yourself about what you value. So even if the relationship doesn't make it to marriage done in the right way, you will be added at a good place and be ready for that for the next person hopefully won't take too many dates. He will probably take take some, but leaving a dating relationship well will prepare you for the next is your book different from some of the other dating books that are out there for one. I wasn't a Christian until I was 21, so I dated outside the church became a Christian. I did it in inside the church so I feel that God's given me this the ability through his grace to speak to new Christians you know and to even speak to to those out outside the church, but also being a Christian for over 20 years that I can speak to those that has been following Jesus for quiet quite a while and there's many good dating books your your book a five love languages is I quote that in my book. So that's an amazing one. I go into not just who to date a lot. Dating books talk about all these are the red flags know these are the things to watch out for this is this is what what the Bible says about sex.

Those are all great.

I talk about those things but I just don't talk about food today I talk about how to date was an important but good Christians. Dating right will. We want to glorify God you know in in everything that we redo the unit first Corinthians 10 where Paul saying that. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, you can glorify God so well your dating is messy, and often it it is our imperfect we can glorify God actively we can save ourselves pain. I like to say you don't have to commit all your own mistakes because I made plenty of of them for you. You can't remove all of the pain in dating their book. There will always be risk, but there are things that we can do to to save ourselves pain and there are things that we can do that can make it easier what you think are some of the things that are specially Christian daters end up getting wrong won't say something that might be controversial that two strong Christians don't necessarily form a good relationship and that's the mentality that things must work.

You know that that Masoud Christian there a solid Christian and that some way that that equals a good relationship but I like to say a relationship is a relates friendship. So is how you relate and just because they follow Jesus and ufology's, of course, that's the foundation that that you deftly want to start with but that doesn't equal a good relationship.

I mean II talk about a cheesecake you know in in my book and with the writing ingredients, baked in the oven you you if you have an amazing cheesecake but I like what Sabe two, but was dobby is a great ingredient, but it goes well on sushi, not on cheesecake so you so you have two strong Christians that don't necessarily form a a life-giving relationship of words you can have the same commitment to Christ. But there's a lot of other aspects to life under his control, obviously, but to but if were going to have good relationships.

Those things are important also to you sooner book that we don't always have to call it a day to don't have to use that word in order to go out on what we think of is that is a good will want to make the point. What I like to talk about the nuance of dating because there are gray gray areas. One reason is that different cultures mean you know understand dating to be different. I know agrees that the evangelical couples they don't announce that the quote dating until their engage because the Savior dating means that you're actually having sex. So was like yeah that's deftly not what what I've seen and what most people mean when they estimate on a date, but you're there. There's deftly a cultural context practically to a lot of guys feel pressure. Maybe there in Christian community where hey if you asked that person out you better have a good idea that you're going to marry them, and I think that that pressure can keep guys from actually going out on dates so I say that there is a saw start date and then there's a hard start date so a hard start date that the clear do you want to go out.

I I like you. Would you like to join me on a date Friday night. That's clear that's unambiguous and at least in the in the United States and most of Canada that is going to be clear, but if you feel pressure or lessee that a that a woman likes like she got she she doesn't want to pursue him in. She doesn't want to ask out a guy I think that she can initiate with a guy I maybe inviting him to a movie night or game night or you know going on a hike and saw starts can give women a way to feel empowered in their love life when asking out a guy directly would would be uncouth to get to Gary because Andrea invited me out on our first it was in the date it was. You will play tennis. She knew that I play tennis and she was four years older than me and so she was interested in. I was interested but I will close I was. But you knows it. I didn't have the courage to ask for your years older personnel and she said hey you want to play tennis and I can freed up the relationship then to move forward but I think she felt guilty about that. You know, years later, when Elizabeth Elliott talked about you know you cannot do this, you cannot. And there's a lot of that strong stuff that comes with some of the teaching of the church, not not anything against Elizabeth Elliott but she was very strongly against a woman saying anything to a man to initiate and I like that that term that you use Eric it's it's a soft opening so that it allows the couple to then decide. Do we want to go further with this that's what you're saying right exactly and I would say that that women don't have to feel guilty that most good guys once you invite them to tennis once, twice, you know her few times that there pick up what you're telling down you know I was say that there's a difference be between initiating with a guy and pursuing and II had a friend she really liked this guy for man two or three years and I stress and will have have you know asked him to do anything have have you told him how you feel and if she said no I don't want to pursue him like just in initiating is not pursuing NF a guy doesn't pursue after a few soft start tries then it's it's probably not the right one for you all like to put your calling. Soft start because it gives you a chance. Both of your chance to get to know each other a little better and in some kind of social setting. The both of you enjoy doing and as you said two or three of those kind of get-togethers in and changes are. It either relates to diving or it doesn't lead to dating but you could have a longer friendship with a person like the doesn't have romantic overtones. It's just that we were friends yeah and that's great and you have to decide in your mind are.

Are you spending time with this person be because there is more there is potential for for marriage and and if there is not that okay with and that is and that's fine too. My only criteria for a days is that you're curious for the possibility of marriage and if you know it. If if there's no spark.

If there is no chance that that you be married then yeah absolutely stay friends. But if there's a slight interest if there's even an inkling for the possibility of of marriage, then by all means go on some dates, so how does the dating experience relate to ultimately having a good marriage. What what part does the dating segment play and having a good marriage. Yeah, I think that marriage and dating her very different in and similar at the same time, but I do believe that like you know when you get married on that day that's that's not the beginning of your relationship. You probably did it for a year to two or three now so so my thing is is those post patterns that say you have a healthy pattern of communication in your your your open honest you can be vulnerable. You can deal with conflict write all those patterns will naturally carry over to marriage and the same is true with the negative patterns. If you keep fighting you know about the same things if you don't see eye to eye on some core values. Those patterns will will also carry over in in the marriage and one of the purposes of dating would be to decide not to marry right away exactly. I mean yet a closed-door is you know you can you know you you you can chalk that up to posterity and you can move on to what you tell someone who's just beginning the dating process there that haven't dated before. Perhaps it all just heard a lot about this there thinking about it there.

The stage of life that they would like to begin building a dating relationship. What would you say to them definitely pray now and to invite God into your love life. Even though dating is a cultural thing. God cares of about how we find a mate and to date and to get married so so definitely pray and I would say if you're new try different way. See what works for you maybe try to go on some blind sure try on. Try online dating or is there somebody at a church. Someone in your Bible study that you person yeah yeah I think I can maybe see that yes so try different ways and I think one the most important things is to look for a friend that no attraction is is good and you know you want to be sexually attracted to the person that that you Mary but I think that feelings will will go up and feelings will go down so as end of the day you you want to marry a friend so I was say that new dater look for a friend.

What would you say to someone who has been hurt a lot.

Several dating experiences, all of them ended in pain and there's not sure that they woman leaving want to date again. The discussion of weight and let drop somebody down from heaven. That's the first I was I am. I'm sorry dating is the imperfect way. Yes, there are many people who have been through the ringer. I had a broken engagement and one is enough for a lifetime.

So I would say this is helped me in my own life is to take your time that you're not in a hurry. People deal with grief on on their own timeline in different ways and take time and then let God he'll heal your heart.

Secondly, I would say that don't compare your journey with someone else's. You know your journey is your journey and maybe take a break from my soul from social media but but just know that God has you in the palm of his hand. You know all all the good ones are already taken it in trust that in that that right time that you will meet the right person. Thanks for joining us for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today were learning about dating and the Christian. Our guest is Eric diameter, author of how should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think we have a link for you@ 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com Eric you mentioned him a minute ago that your book is the difference between your book and a lot of the other dating books which are good is you really focus on how to date. So is that like you. You teach us which restaurants to go to her you know followers around. After we buy your book right now.

Well for what I say you know what for first dates. Make it a low-pressure date. You know you you probably don't want to get dressed up in your best down in your suit on that that first birthday dose can make it seem uptight lots of pressure so I will make it first date coffee.

You know, make it a walk and just make it low pressure and there is also stages to relationships know which which are basically progressions of intimacy. So there's friendship. There is nonexclusive dating which is optional. There is exclusive dating. There is engagement there is marriage so you you go through these this process. These these five stages so I take you through each one, and help people know when it's time to transition from one stage to the next. What are some stories. Can you give us a story or two of people who experience positive dating and things ended up will yeah you know I have been collecting dating stories for a long time and I love it how people end up together and get married and get you have healthy marriages, even from crazy dating stories.

I mean, but but but didn't have to be crazy on my my my friends friends a couple and they barely dated, and they were basically fort for him. It was their first leg really is first girlfriend and they dated, and they got married and got two great kids so doesn't have to be a heart but I have another friend the opposite extreme who went on a hunt over 101st dates and I think his wife but then he met his wife at the data hundred and 306 and 10. You know, you would think by that point. Here he would have given up, but he just you know kept on reading people and I asked him I said you look back on your life and wish you would have data less and he said Eric no, because that's my journey and I may have never met my wife unless I you know I did meet all these other people first. So God does it. Amazingly, ways in amazing ways. In the just one more couple. I wouldn't recommend this, but they broke up and got back together 10 times go break up three or four. You don't know how this is not one, but for whatever reason that's that's what it took in. And from what I know that they have a great marriage today.

Very good, but before the 10th time you decide one of the things I like about the book you listed 12 Christian dating myths thinkers through some of those one of is you'll meet someone when you stop looking, this is kind of the reverse site psychology approach that is the proverbial ostrich with this your head in the sand in your noggin today and you're going to just let let God do you know thing about God is he's good and sometimes yeah you just randomly meet meet the person of God can introduce you to people in number different ways. My mentor used to say Eric you you could meet your wife at the gas station, but the problem is often times, most the time God wants to partner with us in our search so anything worth doing, whether it's going to school, finding your calling mothers clean the piano all that takes work and it it it probably will take a few dates at least for you to meet that that right person, but again God wants to empower you with his grace and partner with you in the search. One of the myths of Christian dating is that you have to know exactly what you want before you go out on a date and we talked a little bit about this earlier, but that is quite a lot of pressure again. I say that you only litmus test for whether you should go on that date is. If you're curious about the possibility of marriage some day so you want to have that and you don't have to know exactly what you so you're saying that only to make a list of personal merit has to be a misconstrued university plan, but so tall and so short of her blonde hair was you know it. If you want I I have a friend in a she had over 100 items on her and you know what the crazy thing about this if you found a guy that check every single thing on that but but but the thing is is the they have a great marriage but they still have issues like every other so even if you check all hundred items. Chances are no you will have the same problems as is a lot of couples do.

There are no relationships have conflicts because were different were humans and humans think the humans feel differently give us a couple of other myths before we move on yet. I would say that one is that a lot of choice is going to help you get married and there's been a lot of research on the psychology of choice. One of the studies is about at a grocery store that they set up two tables of GM's know one with 24 and I think the other one was six and the one with 20 forging all the different choices of of genes that more people showed up at the table that they had more choice, but was asked the people to had less choice that were more satisfied with with their choice. So this to me gives people hope, like if you're from a small community. If you have only a small pool of options you could have just as good of marriage. You even with the choices of two or three people versus you know your problem. You know, 10,000 member church in and you have a lot of choices, be a good example of her work because I married a girl that I know my whole life. I went to the same church updated her best girlfriend when I was in high school and she broke up with me when I went off to college and to three years later I went. But the church I was at home and holiday and also determine who the killer became a wife known her forever and also well Howard I miss her so you so you might find your spouse in a small church somewhere, but also want to ask about the online dating because you mentioned that earlier and I know that that's become more more feasible than the minimal people are involved in the water of the advantages of that and what might be some of the red flags would be waiting yet he has advantages is that it can widen your circle so you can date people from Zimbabwe to New Zealand. So in that case it is good and in some ways, you get to know someone better and you could see answers to questions before you go out on dates or you some sometimes there's a spot put in what you know. Tell me about your faith or tell me if you have kids you know what you relocate so those are good things to know and maybe some deal breakers that may be helpful to you to make better choices, but I think that the biggest thing is just why didn't your your your pool and is just another way is another tool that that God can use to bring people together. Disadvantages people sometimes well they can get over overwhelmed with choice and secondly they chat for too long and they don't meet meet the person so that experiential that in person knowledge.

That's the best knowledge that that you need so people don't get in trouble when they chat for two or three months, and when they show up in the meet the person okay you're not who I thought they may look different day than we found that they may not just be that the kind of person that you know you thought they were so my room with Internet dating is to meet fast and to date I don't assume that if you have an attraction online that you would have the same attraction in person right yeah yeah because you you think you know things about people and I heard that that people can can can fall in love, even without without meeting you definitely definitely need to meet to meet you sooner or later, absolutely, I would encourage people you know you can certainly meet someone online but notably considerable time together when you're suing each other in the real world before you make the decision to marry yeah be because you don't have shared shared communities Vanessa Griffing about dating someone like you met your wife at church there. There was a sure group of friends you know so so when you're clashing to unrelated cultures or groups you know you just just because it's not just about the person you you have their group that their friends, their pastor, their church, so you are deftly want to take your time. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is Eric diameters practical book, how should a Christian date. It's not as complicated as you think you can find out more at 5lovelanguages.com so Eric sometimes there's an individual would like to date you even ask you for date how to hurt you in a Christian way.

Let them know that you're not interested in dating.

Yeah, if it's a woman who's being asked out and she is not interested I would maybe pay them complement for site of thank you so much for for asking. Or you could say hey II really appreciate the courage that it took to task just because it does you said it's unnerving for for a guide to to be direct, so when he does I feel like maybe a small complement would would help ease it, but then also to make sure that you are that you clear so maybe say thank you so much for fasting that took a lot of courage but I don't know but I see us as is only being friends that if I am serious with the will, God told me well I had a friend and a guy approached her several years ago and said that exact thing God told me that we are going to be married and her's response was actually very gracious. She said okay.

Let me know. I don't think so, but let me pray about and Jeanette and she went back and she prayed and she said no what you know God is not speaking to me in the same way and he left in out in a huff. My best.

That's is just just a sign of some some spiritual maturity. On the other hand, maybe someone for a bit. Maybe they are more interested than you are in this relationship you feel like it's it's time to break up heroes is not going to marriage.

Is there a good way to break up with someone. There is no perfect way but you can use it. I think it depends on how much time you updated it if it was was a year it will probably take one common conversation.

If not, you know to it will take a while. If it's been three or four dates you could simply say you know what, thank you for giving me a chance to get to know you but I don't see this going to to marriage you because that's the thing like you don't want to date for forever, so soon as you know that you not marry someone that's the right time to pull the plug. So you want to be gentle you want gracious, but you want to be clear what if you're on the other side of it. I remember dated as I said, my wife present. Once best girlfriend for three years in high school and when I went off to college, got a dear John letter and she said it's a long ways from Chicago to North Carolina and I think we should score separate ways.

Well, I was always heartbroken because quota had always love feelings for her. So what if your own left side of it than someone breaking up with you how you process the pain and work through the yeah that is that's tough young dating in real relationships deftly pull on our heartstrings. I would say to take your time to grieve well and ever and everyone grieves a little bit differently.

Some people are ready to jump back on the horse. You know, in defying the new data and other people did monster even you know year. It all depends on on how serious the relationship was after one breakup I email there was a woman who said that you know we had been dating and she said she came as the conclusion that we were not to be together and that was really hard but I actually emailed her and I asked her what I could do do better and I meant not to get back together with with her, but just to say hey going forward. Is there anything that you saw in me that that I could improve upon and boy did she tell me that so I read that it it was it was hard it was hard to hear so I don't know if I'm a glutton for punishment torque. What but… I just wanted to know, like work well and so I think that you can mine a lot of gems being broken up with.

It's not always easy but I think looking back most of the things that we learn come through some sort of a painful event. Sometimes you can look back and realize it was good. At the time I went through that I was a prayed to God would change her mind. In her letter to Trenton whom God else to know. But looking back on the lead. She broke up with mood because I wouldn't be married to my wife if it were not the case. So we don't always see it at the time bring God into the you you had a broken engagement. Actually, that must've been really hard that you initiate said or did she. It was kind of her kind of both. Both of us. I was dragging my feet for a long time. We got engaged and for whatever reason I couldn't set the date and she you know had waited long, long enough that it was fair for her to move on.

I felt like that was the right thing to do but yeah I I learned a lot through that wouldn't wish it upon anyone and I pray for everything for everyone listening that you won't have to go through that.

But if you do, or, or if you have have you know, just like God. His his his grace will will be there for you and that was for me and took a while but I think I am healed from Eric what about another area that I think everybody struggles with some degree of much the whole issue of sexual temptation or in sexual purity for Christians but before marriage, what your perspective there and what word would you say to couples were listening.

Yeah I would say that man we need to talk about sex in the you know God loves sexy created sex for within marriage and you know this whole purity, prosperity gospel, saying that well you know if I wait to have sex, but if I save my myself work for marriage than one God is going to bring me that perfect man or or or woman into we can have an amazing marriage and an amazing sex life, I think, well, that could be the case and but who are you really doing it for like are you doing it for God or doing it to try to earn something from God. So I think that Christians get in trouble when they want to grow when they want to do some something trying to get something out of God rather than doing it because we love Jesus but I I think that actual purity starts on the inside that purity is actually a a wholehearted towards God that it is a laserlike focus to follow Jesus. So we we know as much as you we want to teach God's best.

We we wanted teach how houses how Scripture says to wait for four marriage. We also need to teach that God cares about her heart and in is actually our relationship with Christ that will prevent us from going further so you I just don't want to get in the trap of the Pharisees who who did all the right things right. The Pharisees found all of the law but but you know what they forgot to be the right person and I think if if we focus on our our own relationship with Christ, i.e. wholehearted this and giving our our whole heart to Jesus that sexual purity will arise out think it's a good perspective, we have to recognize that one thing God says you don't do this or do this, you know, it's because he loves us here in a love relationship with God and we recognize that so well work. Of course there's lots lots more we could talk about what our time is gone. So let me just thank you for two things.

Number one for writing this book because I think it's going to help a lot of singles and secondly I want to thank you for being with us today and discussing some of these so God bless you what you're doing think so much for having me and God bless you to talk love of marriage and parenting here on the program. It is so refreshing. Want to find out more go to the website.

Five love languages.com have a link to the book, how should a Christian date.

It's not as complicated as you think.

Five love languages next week. Another summer best the program ever struggled with self doubt you're not alone. Some help coming up one big thank you today to our production team Janice John Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman duction and Moody radio in association with the ministry. Thanks