Dear Gary | May Edition

What's your family history you know that unresolved issue. Nobody dares bring up. I decided to talk about mind and let you eavesdrop on the journey. My name is Brian Dolly and a brand-new podcast called the grandfather effect dust off the skeletons in my family's closet to determine why my grandpa stopped speaking to us on the journey ended up discovering something else entirely listed on the Moody radio mobile app or wherever you get your podcast for our spiral welcome Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller, the five today is our main dairy broadcast deathly featuring more questions for this counselor, author Pastor and post in the program. That's right, Dr. Gary Chapman is in the house ready for your questions and comments coming up here phone call every married with children.

The here when I first heard today's featured resource is a book by Dr. Chapman titled things I wish I'd known before we got married. Find Moody books.board click on the Moody radio icon there and you'll see Moody books.Gary you and Carolyn have been married now for many years. 60 years generally associate well that's possible because he's only 49 years at the retroactive anniversary that okay so so that the book things I wish I'd known I've always thought that it's for those couples who are engaged or maybe their newlyweds and their dealing with things that is not true is actually I think the concepts of assuring that book are not only for married couples of any age or couples who are engaged to each other for single adults. Back when I speak on college campuses. I say this time to prepare for marriage is not have to get engaged. The time to prepare for marriage is now say to you that maybe you're not even dating.

But if you ever think that someday you get married read this book now. It'll help you if you start dating read it again, get serious, read it again, you really get serious.

The two of you work through it together and I would say the same thing really applies a couple have been married for 10, 15 years, but things are really going that well go back and just ask yourself what are things I wish I know it's never too late to learn the kind of things that I talk about in this book and if you want more information just go to the website Moody books.org you'll find things I wish I'd known before we got married, or featured resource today before we get to that call I mentioned just a moment ago. What ever you married couple with children needs to hear up. We did not have time for this email last month that I want to read it to you here today and see what you have to say. Dear Dr. Chapman have been listening to you on many different venues for a long time and I have a few of your books. My problem is I made some bad choices and decisions in my life and I'm now unsure what to do.

The most recent is taking my husband of 21 years back after a six-month separation. He is a hoarder is hoarding is what led me to separate as it became very unhealthy for me and ultimately ruined our marriage I lost my family.

This is killing me the most and it aches my heart terribly. Which leaves me depressed each day through many Christian counselors which include pastors we are told now by a Christian counselor that we need to separate again or even go through divorce at the current time she doesn't believe that my husband is willing or is trying enough for us to live together any longer. This is affecting my health as we are now living in a brother sister relationship. So many losses of left me feeling hopeless. Not only the loss of my home with the loss of my daughter, granddaughters and mother have really made me depressed. I've been told that I need to stay in this marriage for God, but I'm running out of human effort Gary what you say I'm deeply empathetic with this wife when you live in a situation that adversely affects you emotionally, physically, spiritually, and your Christian and you know that God ordained marriage and God's desire is that we are married for a lifetime. It's hard to know what to do. You know what am I supposed to do. Stay here and die and an inch at a time, or is there something more constructive that I can do and we said for a long time. You can't change your spouse. You can't make your spouse change and so sometimes separation can be a positive step in the attitude of that separation is I love you too much to sit here and do nothing while your behavior destroys my life and hurts her children, or perhaps other people.

It needs to be seen as a loving act, not as an act of desertion and sometimes in that separated time. Things can get better but not Cindy.

With the passing of time.

If they get counseling and you get counseling. Both of you can come to understand yourself better and how you're responding to what's going on and hopefully come to understand the other person better and begin to make some changes because time alone is not going to solve the problem is what you do with that time.

So my suggestion is if this this wife is now back in the same house, which it sounds like she is. I would first of all, encourage her to get personal counseling and perhaps she is because she's saying that I counselor has advised her to separate again, but if she separate she needs to continue the counseling and if her husband is serious about the relationship he will get counseling again.

She can't make him do that but I think the question is about her children and their extended family and why she is now separated from them and I don't know the dynamics of that as to why they are Stepping back away from her, which leaves her isolated, which is not a put good place to be sought.

I think if she has friends who are not counselors but just friends that she can share with this is the value of being in a church in a small group in a church where you have people that care about you. She needs someone to walk with her through this so there's not simply left up to her own emotions. At the time, and if she doesn't have friends that I would say again you reach out to a Christian counselor, a pastor, someone who can hear her pain and help her think about what might be the most positive thing she can do at this point the phrase I've been told I need to stay in this marriage, for God almost is a good twist your arm and you've got to stay right there you have it, almost in a manipulative way that can I not deal with some of the feelings that it would make me feel more depressed when I hear God is frowning at me for even thinking about separating or separation or divorce. I think that Sir Chris where you know the dogmatism of you stay in a marriage, no matter what's happening is not a loving thing to do if a person has destructive behavior. The loving thing is to try to do something to influence them in a positive way and sometimes a separation that's done with that attitude. In that spirit of wanting to help them can be a positive step in a positive influence. In fact, I've seen many times when a wife or husband takes that kind of loving step.

The other person does reach out for help and they realize I'm about to lose something here that's really important to me, but I do think it's important that that we take that step is an act of love and not simply as an active you know I just got a get out the situation from our own benefit though that certainly can also be a positive thing. If there's physical abuse you know are just constant verbal abuse that's that's emotionally turn the person down because when you move into depression. For example, you're not. You don't have much energy now to try to do anything positive, far better to take a step like that before you get into depression so that you and God can pray and work together on how to influence that person in a loving and positive way.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Thanks for joining us for our dear Gary broadcast for May our featured resources. Dr. Chapman's book things I wish I'd known before we got married go to Moody books.org and click the Moody radio icon that's Moody books.org all right. It's short, it's from the heart, and there is so much going on in this caller's voice so listening to that some of the words went by. Here's basically what she's asking 14 and my parents relationship is really strained.

What can I do to help them in their marriage. What would you say to a 14-year-old asking the question of person. I have a lot of empathy for the caller try to put yourself in the shoes of the caller, a child whose parents are struggling and it's obvious to her that they're struggling and are deeply concerned about them. It's wonderful that she has a concern for them.

I think the first thing I would say to her is a pretty coming listen. Ask God to give you wisdom on how you as a child might have a positive impact on their lives and I think if you pray that prayer God will bring some ideas to your mind. And now, in terms of what are those kind of things I think one is sometimes just to have an honest conversation with her parents say in your own words you know mom and dad I don't how you all feel about things but I'm really hurt and troubled when I see you all arguing and saying hateful things to each other. Surely you all can find a way to work through your problems. Have you considered going for counseling. Listen God sometimes speaks through the mouth of children to parents so honest conversation like that with both of your parents might just be the thing that God uses to stimulate them to reach out and try to get help. The other thing I would say is realize that you are not the problem here. The child is not the problem.

The problem is between the adults and so don't don't try to take it upon yourself and so I will if I were a better child. My parents would be having these problems, though they have the problems because of decisions they're making in the attitudes of their choosing toward each other, so don't feel guilty about the problems they're having. I think the other thing would be perhaps to reach out to.

If you know some of their friends and have an opportunity to share with them your mom and dad is having struggles.

Do you think there's anything you could do to help them, or maybe even to say if you're in a church to say to one of the pastors of the church here. My mom and dad are having real struggles in their marriage. Do you think you could help them at least what you're doing.

There is trying to reach out and bring other adults or some other adult into the situation that might reach out to talk to the mom or the dad depending on the relationship and encourage them to get help those of the things that come to my mind Chris's eye here as I hear the voice of that teenager. Here's the thing that really troubles me.

There are literally thousands of children who live in homes where mom and dad are struggling and are saying harsh things and better things to each other, yelling and screaming and all that sort of thing and the children are hiding as it were under the blankets at night found it hard to believe what's going on if and if parents realized the impact of their treatment of each other. The impact that has on their children. I would think they would want to wake up and say, God help us, help us find an answer to our problems teach us how to process our anger and hurt with each other and then reach out for help. If anything, would motivate a parent to me it would be the cry of the child reaching out and saying I'm hurt because when I'm hearing you the way you treat each other and maybe God will use a phone call from 14-year-old in a tough situation to reach into the heart of another married couple and listing today. Maybe you have a a 13-year-old or a 10-year-old, and you'd never thought about what is my child, how are they feeling about the struggles of the relational problems that we're having an and start to deal with them rather than does shove them under the rug or it'll get better or with time or the kids are being that hurt their resilient in all those things you hear those things. The thing that really strikes me, Gary is the feeling of responsibility of a 14-year-old that I need to do something in order to fix my parents relationship and you and I both know it's you said it's not her fault. This is not your fault, but she cares enough and she cares so much about her parents and the situation that she's in that she is just a cry for help is Absolutely Chris and I do hope that listeners who have children and you are struggling in their marriage will hear the voice of this 14-year-old because this could well be the voice of your child trying to speak to you please get help. Please get help and here's the here's the here's the reality.

Chris help is available in our country help is available. There are Christian counselors available anywhere in this country and their pastors who have an open heart and an open door who will help couples who are willing to reach out for help and if you need some help. We have a website called five love languages.com there are simple ways to strengthen your relationship to confide right there@ 5lovelanguages.com. Speaking of that concept.

How about a positive call about "The 5 Love Languages" . Here we go now. I said Gary called him from the car, husband and wife together. I think they were when they made that call just to tell you thank you it's turn things around for us what he think Chris is always encouraging when people share the impact that the concept of "The 5 Love Languages" has had on their marriage, and I have people on a regular basis, say to me you know we were next door to divorce, which she mentioned in the call and someone gave his yearbook and we read and discovered oh that's what's happened we're missing each other emotionally, because were not speaking each other's love language, then they take the quiz and discover each other's primary love language and they start trying it, they start speaking it and the love tonight when I call the love tonight begins to fill up and now they're moving in a positive direction and couple weeks or months down the road in their thinking. While this is made a huge change and so I understand what people say this saved our marriage because it really does in our deepest emotional need at least one of those deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved. If you're married the person you would most like to love you as your spouse, and if you speak each other's language on a regular basis you meet that need, and you both feel loved by each other.

Then everything else in life is much easier to process because you feel you feel secure feel like they're here for me. They want to help me.

So I think that's why the book has made such a radical difference in so many people's lives. And I would say to any couple who struggling if you haven't read "The 5 Love Languages" and taken the quiz and learned each other's language. And then ask God to give you the ability to speak their language. I don't know any one thing that would have a greater positive impact on your marriage than learning to speak each other's language and you can do that you can take the free assessment online.

There five love languages.com or find out more about that. If this is the first time you hear about a five love languages.com I here's the truth. Gary the, the enemy of our souls loves to take something that's good and twisted for his own and Zito to kill steel destroy. Can the love languages be used in a nefarious way. That's what our next caller wants to know Gary call and ask how abusive relationships and how to knit. Users can use your carry-on after they know some batting siloxane branch and they tend to use it against their targets. I was just wondering if you have resources that actually discuss this and if you have a way to shed light on this exploding space and ultimately to condemn the practice at this okay and clear. Take care.

I do think that there are people who read "The 5 Love Languages" and see the concept and they use it as a way of demanding that their spouse speak their love language, you know, we read that book you know we took that quiz you know what my love language is you not speaking my love language and so there condemning the other person because are not speaking their language. We are by nature self-centered and unless we deal with our selfishness. That is a whole world revolves around me and your goal in this life is to make me happy unless we get over that and allow God to pour his love into our hearts that we are here to love the other person we are here to meet their needs. Anytime someone is demanding that their spouse speak their love language there moving in the wrong direction. You can't make somebody love you and there's no value in condemning them because are not speaking your language question, we need all ask is first of all, do I know my spouse is lovely, which and secondly am I speaking it on a regular basis. That's the most powerful thing you can do for that personal emotional level.

And there are far more likely to reciprocate and begin speaking your language if you're speaking their language because love stimulates love and the Bible says even about God we love God because he first loved us, which we simply respond to the love of God and the same principle is true in the marriage. So if you if you're not being love.

You don't fill your spouse speak in your language, you focus on loving them and speaking their love language even though they're not meeting your need, you will meet their need. That's the most powerful thing you can do to influence them because love stimulates love. When you condemn them and put them down because are not speaking your love language.

You're not helping the situation you're simply pushing them away with condemnation rather than drawing them to yourself by communicating love in a meaningful way. That is a great question to ask and I thank you for calling. If you have a question or response to something were talking about here today or situation in your family or a positive thing that's come about because you read "The 5 Love Languages" and you would tell Dr. Chapman calls at 866424 Gary leave your message. We can call you back but you might hear your question or comment here on the program on a future dear Gary broadcast 186-6424 Gary a long term marriage is in trouble because of intimacy issues.

Here's our next call. Here I delete like a biblically sequenced everything heart just thinking, I assume that the caller is talking about sexual intimacy that we sometimes use that word in a broad sense, but many times it's a more specific sense and I assume that's what the scholars talking about I would say the first question is to find out why because typically if there's not an interest in sexual intimacy in a relationship. There is a reason why I would encourage her. First of all to initiate a conversation which is simply asking why, and there are many reasons why he could be having an affair with someone else.

He could be involved in pornography and that's his way of releasing his sexual energy. There could be a physical problem and in which a medical doctor could help to discover that and perhaps help with that. But the question is to find out why because you can't deal with the problem. If you know what the problem is, I would encourage her.

First of all to start with a conversation with him about why this is true, rather than just rocking on day after day and not even talking about it. The second will be then for her to approach a medical doctor or a counselor and let them explore with her what the possibilities might be that a behind his behavior.

If their part of the church. I would challenge her to talk with the pastor or some Christian leader in the church about having a conversation with the two of you together to discuss this issue because sometimes a person will hear an outsider when they won't hear their spouse. But there is a reason behind the behavior and chances are things will not change until you discover what the reason is, and then the person is willing to deal with it. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, find simple ways to strengthen relationships@ 5lovelanguages.com we have some great resources for you a way to assess your own love language you can download the love not apoplexy can hear today's broadcast there got a five love languages.com here's a question from a dad in a blended family, nine-year-old stepson who discovering his voice a little bit more develops and matures. These become very receptive.

A lot of the teachings that him and his mother worked for, but one of the things I'm struggling with something that was sparked by your anger, but and you talk about when you consume two falls apart. The Check It out the Emotions You're Going with You Suppress a Child in Their Ability to Express Emotion. My Struggle Is Where Talk to Them Spectrum. We Are Dealing with the Inability to Stay Focused and so We End up Trying to Redirect Them Back Where It Is and That Can Cause Frustration Itself and Once You Start Becoming Frustrated at Seems to Spiral Out Of Control so My Question Is Was Somebody That Have Special Needs. Where Would You Draw the Line or How Would You Approach That Situation I Think Anyone Who Has a Special Needs Child. Whether It's Autism or Some Other Special Need Struggles with How Do We Relate to This Child in a Positive Way Whether It's Dealing with Anger or Some Other Behaviors That We Feel like Are Inappropriate so I'm Really Glad This Am Really Glad for This Call. I Don't Think There's Anyone Answer to What Do We Do in Terms of the Anger Situation.

I Do Think However That Anger Is Sometimes Tied to Whether or Not That Child Feels Loved Because an Autistic Child and Other Special Needs Children Have an Emotional Need to Feel Loved and If They Don't Feel Loved, Therefore More Likely to Experience Anger over Various Things in the Relationship. So I Would First of All, Encourage You to Think in Terms of How Can We Effectively Meet This Child's Need for Love Wrote a Book with the Drilling Phyllo Call Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families with Special Needs Children and I Think You'd Find That Book to Be Extremely Helpful Because How Do You Identify Their Primary Love Language and Then How Do You Speak That Language in a Meaningful Way. Because If That Child Feels Loved the Gonna Be Less Inclined to Be Angry so I Think That's One Approach That Could Be Very Very Productive for You. I Think Another Approach Would Be to Realize That All Children Are Going to Experience Anger. It's a Part of Human Nature and so We Have To Demonstrate for Them.

First of All How to Handle Anger by Our Own Handling of Anger. If We Get Upset with Them and Lash out with a Harsh Voice to Veil Him When They're Angry We're Demonstrating for Them.

This Is a Way You Process Anger and They Are Going to Lash out at Us Something.

First of All, Examine How We Are Handling Our Own Anger and Then Secondly, Let's Together, Husband and Wife Make an Effort to Teach the Child How to Express Anger in a Positive Way and That Can Be Difficult. But What Were Looking for Here Is an Answer That Will Help the Child Have a Positive Way to Process Their Anger and If We Can Help Them Do That. That Anger Is Not the Problem. It's the Expression of Anger. It's the Mismanaged Anger That Causes the Problem.

So Those Two Things. I Think the Love, Love Language Part and and Then Also Modeling for Them a Positive Way to Respond to Anger. I Love the Heart of the Stepdad to His Aware of What's Going on and It Sounds to Me and I Don't Situation Any More Than You Do, Gary, but It Sounds to Me He's Not Just Looking at This As a Problem to Solve. This Is a Relationship That Is You Know Is Give-And-Take and He and His Wife Are Probably Learning A Lot, That They May Not of Wanted to Think about Their Own, You Know, Anger and Other Things That That Their Son, His Stepson, and Her Biological Son Art Are Teaching Them Things about Themselves and How to Deal with This and I'm Glad You Mentioned That Book Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families Subtitle Is "The 5 Love Languages" for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities. You Can Find It at Moody Books.Org Skoda Moody Books.org Gary, Here's a Loving Family Member Who Wants to Help Someone, but Just Doesn't Know How I'm Calling Try to Help.

But I Really Don't Know That.

Best Advice and I Could Use Your Help so She Is. She's Married Has Been Only Work like Two Days a Week. He Had Been Unfaithful to Her in the past by. She Felt That God Laid on Her Heart to Stay with Him. She Declined Very Clearly Because She Finds It Hard to Honor Her Husband. When Not Leaving the House Spiritually or Financially. She Had Told Him How She Felt That He Was Really Hard to Talk to. I Think It Hurt His Pride Whenever She Opened up about That Financial Situation in Needing Help to Support Their Family.

She Hadn't Seen Any Action Step That Play She's Gone Very Weary and Discouraged Instantly That God Will Hear Their Prayers Because She Had Became Somewhat Dated 2010. She Really Needs to Minimize Some Encouragement and Godly Counsel and Encouraged Her to Go to Counseling That Any Feedback You Could Have Found Helpful. Thank You Think Any Listeners Is That Story Would Have a Desire to Help Wise All Fund When We're in That Situation Were so Hurt and We Do Allow Bitterness to Develop in Our Heart toward That Person and We Allow Bitterness.

It Later Becomes Hatred. That's Why the Bible Condemns Both Bitterness and Hatred. The Bible Does Not Condemn Anger. Anger Is the Result of Being Hurt Being Treated Unfairly and so Anger Is Legitimate Them Emotion.

But If We Hold Anger inside It Turns to Bitterness Turns to Hatred and Then We End up Doing Destructive Things toward the Other Person, or Sometimes Just Abandoning Just Jumping Out Of the Relationship Because We Feel like We Can Do Anything Positive I Would Say This, There Is a Place for Tough Love but Tough Love Should Always Follow Tender Love and When a Person Is in a Relationship and Haves A Lot Of Her Bitter Feelings inside and Holding Anger inside. It Is Not Natural to Think in Terms of Loving Them. We Focus on Our Own Hurt in Her Own Anger in Her Own Bitterness, but Love Is a Powerful Force of Influencing People so I Would Say for Example and I've Done This Experiment with Many People. If This Spouse Will Learn the Primary Love Language of of the Husband. In This Case and Ask God, Let Me Be Your Agent for Meeting Their Need for Love by Speaking Their Love Language for Six Months. Do a Six-Month Experiment, Loving Them Unconditionally Speaking Their Love Language Unconditionally for Six Months. If There's No Change in Their Behavior. When You Begin to Make Request of Them after You Been Loving Them, and There's No Change in Their Behavior, Then Is the Time for Tough Love in Which You Say to Them, Been Giving A Lot Of Thought to Us, and I Feel like That over the Last Six Months I Have Loved You in the Mud in the Best Possible Way.

I Know.

I Hope You Feel My Love but I Have To Say to You I Don't Sense That You Have Any Concern about Me and My Need for Love. So If You're Willing to Go for Counseling. I'm Willing to Go with You but If You're Not Then I'm Going to Have To Take a Step Out Of Love and Move out Because I Realize My Loving You Is Not Helping You Must Speak in Your Love Language Is Not Helping You.

I'm Not Abandoning You but I'm I Am Going to Move out and I'm Challenging You If You Want Our Marriage to Work. Here's the Name of a Counselor. Here's the Phone Number If You Will Receive Them When You and the Counselor Feel like That You're the Position for Marriage Counseling. I'll Be Willing to Go with You to Marriage Counseling and We Can Have the Kind of Marriage We Both Want to Have Deceit When That Kind of Tough Love Follows Tender Love Many Times That Person Wakes up and They Realize I'm about to Lose Something That's Important to Me and They're Motivated to Reach out and Get Help. Whereas If You Don't Have the Six Months of Tender Love and You Finally through All the Six Months You Criticize Them When You Talked about Them and You Said Things to Them and Then You Talk about Leaving in Their Thinking. Good Riddance. I'm Glad You're Leaving.

I Can't Take You Anymore Anyway. So You See Tough Love Doesn't Have a Positive Impact If It's Not Following a Time in Which You Have Love Them Unconditionally. So Just Challenge Your Take.

I Would Challenge You to Try That Experiment and See What Happens.

Thanks for Listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman inside Dear Gary Broadcast for May Featuring Your Calls. If You Have a Question You Want Dr. Chapman to Address Call and Leave a Message on Our Listener Line. We Can't Call You Back. But If You Leave Your Question Will Try to Address It Here on the Program.

Just Call Us at 186-6424 Gary Our Featured Resource Is the Book by Dr. Chapman Titled Things I Wish I'd Known before We Got Married. Find out more at moodybooks.org that several programs in the last few months where we dealt with questions about narcissists and here are a couple of calls in this last segment that deal with that topic in Ohio and I'm in a very good situation with my sister who fraudulently took title to our house and is trying to now evict me now that she's living with her boyfriend. She is what therapist tell me it is a malignant narcissist but I don't want to be anyway.

I'm praying for salvation and I need your help. I need your guidance think you Chris. Of course we don't know the details of the this particular action that the sister is taken to get title to their house and then not trying to force her out of her own house how that could happen.

I don't know, but obviously it's a it's a huge bone of contention between the two of them at this point a lot has to do with the kind of relationship they had before all of this happened, it was a bad relationship. A distant relationship, then this is simply one more step in the process.

But if there was a good relationship and this this has happened. They've got something to go back to so that if she appeals to that sister and say honey, you know we had such a good relationship. I think you know that I loved you and you love me, let let's not allow this to destroy our relationship.

See if they have something to go back to. There's a motivation that if there hasn't been a good relationship for years. In the present is simply a continuation of the past, much more difficult to deal with it hard to believe that a person would actually do that again. Somehow the title to the house that your sister owns and then force her out of the house so you can live there with your boyfriend that in the sentences is even more than being narcissistic it's it's being totally totally totally irrational in my opinion, but what can she do if her sisters taken legal action and I would say she needs to first of all, have an attorney examine how all this happened and see if there's any way that can be undone.

I don't know how it happened in the first place. She needs legal advice.

First of all, because if there is a way that legally she can regain the ownership of her own home, and that certainly needs to be done. The other thing I would say is I would encourage her to the sister whose concern to talk with a Christian counselor because obviously she's deeply deeply troubled about this and she needs someone who will have a listening ear and be able to help her think about what the next steps might be in this process and she's mentioned, I'm praying for salvation. You know Gavin prayer warriors walk with you through this and not be isolated yet. I can see her and isolating herself because it's such an extreme situation. What I want to burden other people with this.

No, don't stay in relationship with other people and bring them alongside you, but I I was asked I was wondering about that going to ask you about the legal side of things. She can't feel bad about standing up legally for her own rights, that this is somehow going to push her sister away when her sister is the one. It sounds like at least from this side has been the instigator in this. So I think that was that was really good counsel and I wonder what you'll say to the next caller. Our final call is from a mom who is concerned about an upcoming wedding. All LII know I appreciate the concern of this mother think is legitimate concern and I think of the idea, which she expressed of offering to pay for premarital counseling for them is also an excellent idea. They may or may not accept that offer. You certainly certainly wish that they would accept that offer and is certainly worth making. The other thing I would say would be to put in their hands books that might be helpful. One of the books that I wrote to skull things I wish I had known before we got married, and a it's a book that's designed for people are thinking about getting married and will help them look at 12 different things that I wish I had known before I got married, and if they work through that book. Chances are, some of these issues may well surface in the process of working through the chapters and in discussing their answers to the questions at the end of each chapter that certainly will not hurt if you simply give them a book with that title because it said it would be an expression of love on your part things. I wish I'd known before we got married, but those two things. The one you already mentioned in the one I'm mentioning now to me would be to positive steps would at least be exposing them to things that have the potential of helping them deal with this particular problem is there a place ever a place for a mom or dad who has a concern about the of their their own offspring, you know, getting married, is there place to go to that that the in this case, the daughter-in-law before they're married and say anything, do you keep that to yourself what you do with that, but that's a hard question Chris a lot has to do with the relationship that the mother in this case has with the with the what will be her daughter-in-law if they spent a lot of time together which I encourage in the book that I mentioned the spent time with each other's family members if she said if she has that kind of relationship then yeah I think there is a place to sell you 90 years as wish or concern with you that I knotted up. If see if, however, she has no relationship or little relationship with the person that and that her son is about to married and that would be likely not be accepted. She would feel well unit you should be telling me that Ken stuck in on that I… So although I don't all depends on what kind of relationship they have.

The other thing that you do is you can build a wedge then when you're suddenly here's that mom thinks I'm a narcissistic note. Then the relationship can be fractured down the road you won't see your grandkids that kind of thing said yeah you have to you have to stay put it toe in that water gently on I think so.

I think so Chris. That's why think it's often better just to offer premarital counseling or to put a book in their hands as you think would be helpful for them in any couple is getting married really needs to spend time with each other's parents, and get to know because were marrying into a family and I wish I had known they were marrying into a family and that when you get to know each other better than you can have open conversations about many things that will not let that will not come across as being condemned, that is our featured resource by Dr. Chapman things I wish I'd known before we got married to Moody books.org you can find out more again. Moody books.org and if you like to call and ask a question to Dr. Chapman. Maybe respond to something you've heard here today 186-6424 Gary is our number again one 866424 Gary next week to unlikely friends join us. Don't list Walter Hayes Craig action team time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a production radio in Chicago. I think