When Mountains Crumble

If you're struggling with the loss of someone you love.

Don't miss today's Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman learn that widow is truly at the temporary identity.

A child of God is forever.

That's his Spanish huge stained have to honor the loss of my earthly identity but to also say the end of the day my nine daughter welcome relationship with Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times best seller. The five love today. Grief will leave you with questions you need permission to simply feel what you will appreciate the perspective of today's gas needed. You know you will join us. She's the author of mountains building life after losing someone you love Gary I know your heart is with military families certifies so much also know your experience as a pastor you walk a lot of grieving people experience losses. Every pastor number through the years, but you know there's a real difference between the pastor walking with others through their journey and the pastor experiencing death in his own family think all of us want to empathize and where we will learn some things today. Along those lines as well. How do we walk with people who are suffering. But until you go through it. You don't really understand the depth of the pain and all that so I'm really looking forward to our conversation today. I am to let me use our guests the need Jeanette a JE, and AE is a young mom and recent military widow learning to carry both joy and sorrow in the same breath as an author, speaker, poet and artist. She walks alongside the brokenhearted, offering practical and creative ways to lead a Spirit led life. That's what we're in here about today you find a free brief guide to do that@whenmountainscrumble.com or you can find more information@ 5lovelanguages.com welcome to Building Relationships and honored to be here like you actually have to tell you what I told my mom that this interview with I was little nervous as she is like a fine crazy I think that the entire family informed our marriage Steve, thanks for all you do think you are really glad my guess is that this is a book and a ministry that you didn't really ask for far even dream about, but you are trying to embrace it and that is that is that fair is that a fair assessment 1000%. Yes, fourth grade, I knew I was called to write. I never expected this would be my first became a Christian. I mean I was actually in the mountains of Colorado in the same range that I would.

Years later, at least that was the day I surrendered all I really just got. I trust you what is grace to continue to believe will tell us a little bit about your husband Dan fall in love story in first name to because honestly that's one of the best ways you can honor someone who has lost a loved one is just like me asking honestly more like Jesus anyone I have ever he was jovial and adventurous and just really stable. He just really was our family and I had actually been asking my small group to pray for me. I swing dancing partner that I just really need to go dancing partner and so they were praying for me and then met through mutual friends. On his first day in town just moved here to Colorado. Yet he he asked me a few questions, we headed off a little and he found out that he sent me and talking. We were all walking together. She turned around and slapped my little letter that's really I'm not saying that's how we fell in love we tie learn to follow the lead on this really beautiful picture marriage to long was it from the time you until you get married like couple days actually on our very first date. There was that couple that we had meeting with and they said such a sweet couple. How long you been married that same mutual friends that I think it was about lover here when we got married.

How long were you married before their deceased now you are married for 11 years and a lot of moves during that time. What precipitated that yes military family we go and Air Force sentence and he actually been in the military for nine years before we got married so he had a lot of moves under his belt before I joined the club here that we were in a lot of different states and also just had crazy situations. Everywhere he went so both of our first big moves. We had a newborn.

Both times, and postpartum depression and are trying to make friends in that situation and just a lot change he traveled a lot. He child nationally.

He was gone a lot and so we just always just kind have learned that I guess. Early in my marriage I learned that you know truly at the end of the day the Lord is still my dance covering of prayers covered me even when he wasn't physically in the home and learning that early really saved me, now every military couple could long time to the point that sort of thing you were just really getting ready to move again. Is my understanding just before them before you found the house been pushed away. Tell us about the Colorado moved around and are very last-minute, actually back to Colorado so we have been here for six weeks. You are in a temporary apartment and househunting and that's when we lost him when he was on a hike in the mountains. He had done a lot of 14 years over 3014 years. There's over halfway climbing them all, but that's when we lost him was shortly after we need to count so check Tom yet know in a school community around us. We were used to really having solid communities and digging in quickly and deeply with those around us that we didn't have any network can in place when the last 10 so what he was talking yes and we there's a lot of unknowns around it just had to learn to trust God with unanswered questions terms we don't understand not only what happens. Certainly not what I remember sitting around the table in the Virginia with a group of military was interested. Tell me what it's like one of the wives said this she said well Doc Sherman.

She said every time I hear a door slam the car door slam outside of my apartment. I listen carefully to see if there's a second car door slams because I know that if there's been a death there be two people coming to my door and thought while those of us who are civilians have no concept of the reality that when people are deployed.

For example, you don't know what's going on what happens in the course certainly would be expecting this to happen. What is not deployed is called disliking a mountain so we have to live with a lot of unknowns right yes I think the military community. They do a lot of pre-grieving if that makes sense if faced with the reality of the breath of life and how short that is very quickly.

It just seems to be in the forefront. However, when my my husband to deploy on it was a long deployment and so interesting because people would ask you know where is he is he safe and I was kind of like like that and it was so cool because God just gave me this response.

I think you know he is safe where he is across the world as he would be here driving home from work and it's just not understanding that he is in, God's hands matter where he is or what he's doing so actually gave me a lot of comfort when I was home with my husband deployed, not knowing if he would come home because I just knew that God has him no matter what the plus for the Christian walk with God. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, our guest today is author Denita Jenae our featured resource. Today is her moving book when mountains rebuilding life after losing someone you love. You can find out more at our website. Five love languages.com I have to ask about the title where that comes from. I read a book a long time ago was in the 80s by Dr. C. Everett Koop, you wrote this he and his wife floated about their son, who died in a mountain climbing accident where the rockface sheared off and the title that was sometimes mountains move tell us about the title that you came up with curse that's amazing.

A cat so I will have to find that for my duckling mountains, comes from two places. Part of it is literally just my story. He he died in the Sangre de Cristo Mountains which means the blood of Christ, mountains and he really like I mentioned before, he was the rock of our family and that of Christ Jesus is our rock earthly rocketing we all depended on him. He was a picture of the cornerstone that we all leaned on and so when he died. Everything we need to be stable, crumbled and fell apart. And so I just knew that that was imagery that people could connect with whether you know no matter how they lost their loved one experience of okay everything I just need to be stable yesterday is now gone. Today said that's the first part of the second part just 54 verse 10 says the mountains might seek Hills my my faithful love for you will never be shaken. In my covenant promises PC will never be removed since the Lord has compassion on you. Verse picture that mountains may shake and a crumbled that God's love well never couple. It is our constant stable children to do. We have to girls girls what are their ages. No, my youngest and oldest just yesterday turned 12, so here you were you in a new setting your family was not there extended family time to make friends you didn't yet have a church home was just to the children.

Did you get through that. That's a great question. Part of me wants to tell you I have no idea who the other part of me wants to tell you that God's grace held us in ways I cannot even there's no words to explain.

We had people praying for us all over the nation that couldn't be here taking a physically step in the gap for us, but they really were praying and that's proof to me that you know prayer really does change things so we lost 10 and was certainly after that try to make while trying to make friends when you're like you just die like a really need a friend friends like that's hard, very rare person that will step into that and say like a lock on you though we were already isolated. We were already not able to soccer or toilet paper excite the brains to like remember to get the store and then you know that the world caved in and in a way it was a grace to because I learned that Jesus sometimes he is your only friend. And he was not for me and so I did the comfort that he gave to me through the Holy Spirit. During that time. Just me and him that's really where out of that comfort.

He call me to pass out to others through this book.

So he knew he was doing didn't feel like it, but he did well through the years. Sometimes when people go through unexpected like this should and walls turn away from God so God let me go if you love me he would let this happen. Did you struggle with any of those feelings. That's okay. I am sure I can even tell you because so much of it feels like a playwright like so much of it feels like a fog.

But I do know that I knew enough about God to know that his love for me didn't change my circumstance. We had to face my own death just years before the last stand because we didn't know if I was can make it. I had a bunch of chronic illness and autoimmune issues and it was to the point where I was writing down my wishes right like my last. I was really facing my own mortality and nine. Learn to pray through that we learn to fast and pray before God and cry out to we walked through that trial together, which really strengthened me for this one because I just knew that I come to this place where God you are faithful even if I am out of face time rock. I have no faith left. I still thought he was faithful so that that carried me for those who do question the loss of a loved one is it okay to do that and other biblical examples.

Oh yeah, I mean when I didn't know if I was can make it. That's when I probably question got even more because it was like I like why and of course when Ken died.

It was also why why why why not okay. We were not created for death rate and so one of my favorite people ever is Jesus and he is our example. He asked why right there on the cross, my God, my God, why did you forsake me.

He was saying the same. I have prayed so many times in the last decade, probably of my life like God where are you. Why are you ditching me why are you leaving me right now and that Jesus gives us an example have to even say that out loud right like he said that for our benefit so that we would know even Jesus himself the son of God is saying why and he gave us permission right there in that moment right before he saved us permission to also say God I don't understand losing a friend or loved one brings a lot of sudden changes this earlier, but what ways did you experience grief changing you live your personality or your noted that I was probably very quiet spoken very unique in many ways before losing my husband and now I still am in some regards. I've honestly had just become a little more feisty like you have to learn to the key here only for kids three needs in a very new way when you know this is a piece suddenly. Now I find that now head of household in earthly means right. I went from being the one I got to follow to not having to make all the other shots make all the decisions.

But the piece was huge like to go from military to daily intake of independent primary happily married to a widow and that was very quick blow. I've learned that widow is truly the temporary identity. You know, being a military family at temporary identity military family forever. At some point will retire a child of God is forever and that's just been a huge thing to have to honor the loss of my enemies, but also to say at the end of the day my I'm still a citizen of heaven and I'm still daughter ask do you remember the first time after the first time you actually were able to laugh again because humor is part of the of the writing of your book. I can tell. As part of your personality, but when you have no relevant crumbles of everything use is change there in the air get sucked out of feel like it gets taken up a whole world and you're just kind of walking on shifting said use old metaphors here, but was there point where you remember laughing and did you feel guilty for laughing at the talk talk about that process. Okay, so I can't tell you that I remember the first time that I laughed, but I can tell you that I remember thinking about process like it surprised me were still laughing having their young children. I think it really helps right like I had a four-year-old and a nine-year-old at the time and so laughter with children, it still remains right and I just remember thinking how we still laugh like in the guilt. I think that's so cool that you brought that because that was banana muffins. My husband was so amazing and he would cook and do other things and he baked these amazing banana muffins and he had some in the freezer. Make like double boxes so that we could freeze them and have them for easy breakfast and so we would you know when I was looking in the freezer.

You try to figure out breakfast and my family a few weeks later and I was like these will be the last month and that we ever have of his right, and I knew I could let those month and not freezer get freezer burn and we end up throwing them away or we can actually partake in the things that he left for us to enjoy and laughter was one of those things made us laugh.

He knew how and I knew that he wanted us to keep living life even if he couldn't be there. I and so for me the muffins was like a huge moment.

You know what we are going to continue to enjoy life as much as we are able, even if he's not right here by us. So for me that's a picture of the laughter to just a great question because so many people struggle with guilt like Mylanta still be right, even laughing happy.

Yeah, you know that you would want you to tell the story of how you find a guy who could swing the break but you know you as a rock star and his boss like I know that you guys don't know a lot about what you spouses do, but they are truly keeping the world safe for like yes he really was a rock star on all fronts. He really was stored as well. Well, as you look back on all of this you still in the process of processing life was or what one thing stood out that you thought you were the most prepared for. Yes, it was the physical pain.

I didn't realize I mean I'm thinking after the funeral I felt like I had with flash. I've been in a car accident before so I had experience with class. But this was this was like a truck hit me literally and the way that grief, we just can it be this heat like shooting across my chest and shoulders are my hips you now show up in different places in my body that it was physical like all like you physically feel the death of your loved one way that I was not prepared for.

Thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our guest is Denita Jenae and were talking about her book one mountains rebuilding life after losing someone you love. You can find out more at 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com before you took a break, talking about physical pain that you failed your body after you after the funeral with them. So in the book you do talk about taking care of yourself. You being gracious to yourself. Being kind to yourself when you're grieving. So what are some practical ways that our listeners are going through this can take care of themselves. So for me I needed to learn to create more margin in my schedule and my expectations of myself I was raised in like hippie culture and I went to college and you know you recycle, reduce, reuse, and paper plates are not a question by paper plates, so there were just them basic things I had to do to create margin and just give myself out and some of that was scheduling right like thank you so much for actually inviting me to an actual thing where there will be actual people.

I am so excited but hate just in case like grief hits me.

I may not be able to make it last-minute just like you know stuff like that to create margin even ahead of time, like yes I'd like to go to but Simon, you know, tears on a total mess. I will be there so you know this is going to be fine because I also really did learn that my left language change just like my personality and identity which is changed so you know my very like bottom of the bucket left language was physical touch, so I thought that Dan you know he just went just like with me or me and when that was completely calm. I realized while like all the sudden that's my number one love language need right now and my kids don't really want to hug me today.

They don't want to snuggle so I had to recognize first all okay this is a new need in my life and how on earth am I gonna try to sell that love language and so I started getting massages but it's just this. It's just my kids seeing their love languages change. We had to readjust.

Okay, how do we take care of each other in the family. Now it's different is grief something that you have to embrace rather than trying to run away from it or to respond. What I love about God is that he doesn't make us do anything so you can render grief if you want you you can embrace grief if you need to, but I do believe that grief is not meant to be forever in his design. It is a season, and place where it says that the days of our sorrow will be ended and so it is it is healing. If we embrace our grief and work through it, but there will be times where it's just like you know why I just need to completely check out golf or watch a silly style because we can't be in heavy state grieving for so long before we just spiral down there is kind of like pushing pony effect that goes on but I do love that he he just says you know what what you need you need a distraction right now. Do you need to deal so we cry talk it out and he just is so present. No part of the process right sometimes or grow your weeping just feeling so deeply in other terms you are playing put put something away from for your from a moment from the intense stage of grief. I wonder if you experience that you see something benevolent muffins or you see a picture of who they are playing the Air Force of somebody in uniform. Is there something that creeps up on you and is kind of a trigger for the grief for you. Yes I call those gray funds there when you don't expect them and all of a sudden you're like you just man, here's grief writing your face. I remember, and definitely not when I see someone in uniform and it's like like your heart, so I think because we walked to the plane and it was a long seven months.

You kind of get this like oh, about seven month mark after he died.

A house is looking out the window like okay now. He should be home any day now and I'm catching myself thinking that so many times your brain is working on overtime when you're grieving because it's trying to figure out what just happened and so does grief on a show when you talk about healing from loss use the term grief work orders grief work look like. I think understanding that it really is work like you kind have to make yourself face to face that sometimes there is such a grace of the denial and actually think that the gift from God. When we feel that fog and that denial also. You know then there's times where we have to really work out and figure out okay you know what is what is my life now you know even just figured out okay. How has my love language change since I lost my husband. That's grief work because you trying to put the pieces back together and you're trying to figure out even just a small practical way. Okay, how am I going to keep rebuilding life, you can keep moving on.

Even in the face of such loss just understanding that it is work I think helps because you can take a break from your work, but you have to work so your love language change explainer to school but more because what I heard you showing was that you turned to getting the soldiers because it was physical touch. It certainly didn't pick the place with to do it farther to be meaningful. Friends have been very few had friends close at hand geographically and very good dogs and that sort of thing. I'm assuming that would've been super super meaningful to you.

Absolutely. A few months after my husband died. I ended up going to writers conference where these people knew me as online friends that it was the first time I had seen people who knew me before everyone else in town here.

Save a couple people everyone else just knew us as this newly grieving family didn't know like life before, but this conference they knew me before and after and so they hopped me and I member like oh like I needed this and I think that every single person I saw it was just like me for relationships and community and especially in our grief. Some people isolate, but they also still need to know enough people when they were ready for him. So I was II remember, probably every single one of my very first hugs in the whole first few months because they were so rare but still powerful for me to do for those of us were trying to walk with people in grief, it's important for us to know what their love languages may be quality time and for those people having lunch with him sitting down or taking a walk with him would communicate depleted or cared about them use another word that is talk about grief brain tells about that when I wanted a baby and she's pregnant. There's this phenomenon called Prego brain or mommy brain and it's real.

I remember putting my cereal away in the refrigerator and the milk away in the pantry and it's just like grief brain is so similar, except that instead of your brain working overtime to process that you're creating a new life now. Your brain is working overtime trying process like and what just happened and who did I just lose and how does that change everything and so in a way, grief, brain feels like his total. I started writing my words backwards like switching letters around, that I started stuttering, your whole person is trying to understand this loss and just knowing that that's the thing is so helpful because otherwise you're like I am going out of my mind know that other people and there's an actual freight for fellow widows, the one who told me that phrase is like telling me about this because I just thought I was losing it completely to really come up with new vocabulary grief work grief ball. All of them very meaningful yeah yeah our English language doesn't seem to talk a lot about great so we got to make it up to make up some ways to talk about it. Thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" needed today is our guest in our featured resources.

Her book when mountains rebuilding life after losing someone you love. You can find that more simple ways to strengthen relationships@ 5lovelanguages.com click resources and then Building Relationships.

When you go to five love languages.com go to some, the process of walking through grief but do not only things we talked about what to talk about art and dueling with heart instead of simply verbally processing okay art be helpful to a greater portion so the cool thing about the way we are created is the fight or flight thing right. So when we are in a state of trauma, or when we are in a state of being threatened, kind of what happens is our left and right brains split all the cortisol fills up down the middle and so the problem is like just talking it through, is not always going to help those two sides of your brain reconnect and so things like writing courses can help like really lace back together in the left and the right brain same with art so kind in excess it's coming at healing in a totally different way that it just couldn't jog something loose in a way that may be, you know, if you do, probably having trouble even just reading or writing sometimes just doodling allows you to process things in a way that he may not even ask to be able to do if you can't even write a sentence talk about how can it help those who are suffering from loss so lament is very powerful lament is just getting honest with God about what is really hard and honestly this is what opens the door to let the comforter rush opens the door to say God like open up and let you know how I'm really doing and he rested his healing for me. I'm learning that a lot of people have even in the church do not know the word lament and so it's this ancient coping mechanism and suffering that our faith and culture has truly forgotten and I think that if we can embrace lament coming before the Lord with honesty like that.

Honesty about how hard I think that's what's missing and why a lot of people are turning to much more harmful coping mechanisms because we forgotten this difficult school of Government's truly beautiful but it's hard there's another word from Jesus said blessed are those who mourn, but it does always seem like a blessing.

What Jesus meant when he said that yeah it doesn't always feel like a blessing to mourn. There's a difference between grieving and morning greeting is what you do you know when you're trying to figure this out and it's often what you do in your own internal thing morning is a public display that you are creating inside so the trying times. They would hang the black wreath on the door, they would all kinds of ways that the household would show that it was morning, and that would trigger to other people in the community. I'll likely need to take a different way of approaching family because there morning right now today see it in the bumper stickers that on the car like we remember now our soldier or the bands that people will wear around their arms on my drown or something in honor of someone lost that's a public way of displaying their grief and when we are bringing that morning into public, then it becomes communal and I really believe that that's what invites this blessing healing because we really were made for the body of Christ really were made for community and so if we don't mourn and we don't let other people know that were even hurting. We totally missed opportunity. Sir we might we might avoid people saying some dumb thing but we also the blessing of the healing that comes in community experience when we know someone was morning. What are some of the best ways for us to support to the ministry of presence is more powerful than people understand the very beginning showing up at the funeral just your presence there.

It means more than people understand some practical ways. Put the date of death in your phone.

Even the first year the second year or even 18 years later yet text or call Fran on that day and say hey like I just know you're not alone and I love you pray. But don't just pray so pray, definitely, but also asked God for a practical idea kind of extension of like hey I'm going to help you, but also can you give me permission. So like if God gives you an idea of you know I can help them get their oil changed and tell them he like to get your oil changed and excitement comes up. That's one thing off your mind and your plate. When was the last day that it was service and not just keep I'll just keep that in my phone and I'll just take care of it like it's a way think can I can I do this but not making them come up with all the things that maybe they could get US options. It's kind of just like I want to honor you if you I'm bringing you a meal but if you want company.

I'll stay and if you want me to just stop it off. I will so it's kind of the psych what you need in this hour will go. Most of us want to help your book is going to help many many couples and individuals to know how to effectively walk with people who are going through grief share with us or some last words of encouragement of those of our listeners who are grieving right yes grief is so disorienting, and it turned everything upside down and so I guess one of the last things I would want to leave with, and is just this assurance that they are not alone and all.

And that big emotions and heavy questions that they're facing. That's why I created that free resource that was mentioned in the very beginning.

It's just a grief guide helps people understand, in a quick way that there's no no timeline that it's disorienting all these different things puts on paper in a visual way. That's just like oh I'm not crazy and not alone, would you just a moment and pray for those who are listening to be on it to find that I think you that you draw near to the brokenhearted, I think you that you don't avoid the broken hearted you draw near to them and whether we can feel it or perceive it, we know that you are in here today.

I pray that you would open their eyes to be able to see open your ears to be able to hear the ways that you are showing up for them. It is probably in a new way. It's probably in a way that they need more than they ever needed that in a way that is not what they're used to expecting from you. So, I just pray that you would help them to see how you are stepping in and so present and loving on them so beautifully in your kind ways. Healing and comfort and peace. Jesus, thanks for being with us for investing time and energy to write this book. Thank you for having us assist on. I appreciate Jenae J.

Find out more about her future resource.

Five love languages.com book is titled when Milton's home life after losing someone you love our websites.

Five love languages.com if you like that free grief guide needed adjustment when Milton's when Milton's probable.com wise women managing the mother-daughter team of Miriam Knapp and Valerie Hogan.

Thanks to Janice Todd billing relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman's radio Bible and thanks for listening