Dear Gary January

People are catching on to "The 5 Love Languages" Gary Chapman, the successful, "The 5 Love Languages" you will live your life emotionally with my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite of the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Gary Chapman to me love I would just get ready for some challenge questions about marriage, family struggles life and the love languages today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman word are how you I guard my heart and welcome to relationship Gary Tom and author of the New York Times. Five love languages today are questions for this trusted author, pastor and count January edition of dear Gary, for your questions to the program. In response to other calls Gary's answers questions they call us leave a message and that your response on the future. 166424 Erie 66424 Gary your message and turned on any noise in the background of your driving over so we can hear every word featured resource that is a book you may have heard of, titled "The 5 Love Languages" secret to love lasts you confided at the website. Five love languages.com Gary, here's a letter that just came in. Steve set this to be dear Mr. Dr. Gary Chapman, thank you.

I understand a lot more than I did before all about family, friends, adults, teens and kids listening to you.

Thank you for being on the radio so that people like me can hear you and build better families the great response. Gary is, letters are always encouraging Chris. We know that people are listening when they take time to share that what we're talking about is been helpful to them. So was very encouraging. As you well know, will have you heard any stories like this recently about somebody who got a hold of "The 5 Love Languages" or went to a seminar listen to you on the radio.

What comes to mind every time I do a marriage conference on the weekend. On Saturday I do about 15 a year with Moody publishers. Every time I do one of those. I'll have at least three or four sometimes eight or 10 individuals throughout the day will come up to me as a couple and say we just want you to know that "The 5 Love Languages" your book the five bloodlines saved our marriage. We were close to divorce.

We didn't think we could do.

It was so painful without getting out was the only answer we read that book.

The lights came on.

We look back on our marriage and realize how we had missed each other because we had not been speaking each other's love language so yeah Chris the feedback that received on that book. Just continue to receive on that is just so encouraging the way God has used it to help so many couples restore emotional love in the marriage relationship again. You can find out more about it at the website. Five love languages.com five love languages.

The secret to love that lasts I will hear some questions about that. Throughout the hour but let's begin the conversation today with a parenting question from a mom about her daughter and I love child and I had my daughter and I don't. And just to America from a European country and at that time I stopped drinking and was my daughter. Patient should have so much if at that time I had known what I know today overcome the loss of my husband when she was old and coming to a country so I called attack during the day I would take you out but at night I was drinking alcohol was very difficult to grow, to cook to school to cook to activities, functioning during the day but I was like, and many of the things you mentioned probably was missing young life that I have a bit of the nations today with my daughter we have difficulty we got each other, but we seem to have difficulty dictation thank you very much Gary and got to help many people. Thank you very much Chris. I think there are a number of our listeners with this caller. Not that it was exactly the same, but there looking back on their life when their children were home and realizing that in this way or another way they failed their children and their children grew up, perhaps not feeling loved and consequently as adults. The relationship is fractured my my advice to moms or dads who are in this situation is to do first of all what this lady is just on in the call and that is acknowledge to yourself and in God's presence what your failures were and but that doesn't mean that things can be better in the future and I think it begins often. It begins by actually going to the daughter and and acknowledging you know I've been looking back on my life. When you were young and you just spell it all out just poured all out to her the things what you shared with with me on this call and tell her how pained you are to realize how you failed her in that way and and give her a chance to respond.

Maybe ask her how did you feel in those early years growing up about my love because I have the sense that I don't how you could've felt loved this by the way I behaved around and give her a chance to share with you her struggles through the years and then again just come back and say honey I hope you can forgive me. I know I cannot erase all of that I can't take it away but I do hope that you, you can forgive me for that, maybe, maybe just say if it's true, I've talked to God shared this with God.

I poured out my heart to God and I've asked God to forgive me for my failures and I'm hoping that you can find in your heart to me. It's that kind of approach. I think that many times opens the door to the daughter or son forgiving the parent then that's a very emotional experience or can be, then we start speaking their love language as an adult because that daughter still has the emotional need to feel loved and so you could even tell you read this book on young children, the mumblings of children and bloodlines of adults and I just I want to be the rest of my life. I want to be your mother communicates my love to you in a meaningful way discussion often can break down some of the barriers that are emotional barriers that are there and been created through the years. So that would be my suggestion. Here's the other thing that her called Gary and that is she was so honest about it sounds like she's really work through this inner self seeing what happened and her call gave somebody listening today. The permission to look hard at their life and my depending on alcohol or drug use or or some other thing to get me through a hard time and what is that doing to the people around me when you're honest about that. It helps other people say the truth about their own lives. This think that's true. Chris and I think let's face it, there's no question about it in our country. Thousands of people turn to alcohol in the midst of stress, whatever the stress factor is it's there can relief you know.

But what happens is, of course, it affects negatively the relationships in the family always affects so the sooner we can discover that and change that behavior and apologize for that behavior. The sooner the possibility is that we can begin a new path in our relationship, our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for January. Question for Dr. Chapman call today and leave a message. The number is 186-6424 Gary.a counseling line.

We won't call you back. But if you keep your question as brief as possible. Will try to address it here on the program. Call 186-6424 Gary featured resources. The book that started it all. "The 5 Love Languages" . The secret to love that lasts perfect for Valentine's Day. By the way you find out more about it@ 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com. Now here's a husband who struggling to keep his marriage together. Your answer worked to me more like she wanted. She does whatever it can to make things better myself from trying to gain knowledge. Kids must not because of the Latin company focusing on the right things and now I'm merely trying to do that and asked her to go to counseling so freight is final will be my last hope everything she needed me so much appreciate this caller and I think as a counselor through the years. My heart is out to him, because these are the kind of people and sit in my office. Through all these years I'm encouraged by what I think he said and that is that his wife is willing to go for counseling. That's good because having someone outside the relationship help both of you understand each other and identify the problems in the past and learn how to apologize and forgive each other for those is a part of the process.

It seems to me that he has read the five love language book and realizes that he hasn't spoken her love language through the years and consequently she hasn't felt loved and she probably has feelings of it's not going to work because her loved what I call the love tank is empty and so often it does began with the confession and acknowledgment of your past failures, but also a discussion of the love languages would be helpful if she hasn't read the book I would this maybe ask her to read the first chapter to let you know what she thinks about it because if the two of you can look back and realize why we are where we are that you didn't express love to her in the language that was meaningful to her though, it sounds like you are busy working and making a living that sort of thing. I think a discussion like that can be helpful, but a counselor can help you do that so I'm really encouraged that you propose that to her and she's willing to go with you for counseling because any counselor can tell you when couples come and are open with the counselor and open with each other. They can learn how to deal with past failures can learn how to change behavior and marriages can be reborn. I hear that regularly from folks that I've counseling folks that others have counsel so there is hope. And so I know it is hard to know you feel like maybe she it won't work but don't give up.

As long as she's open, you keep working on changing yourself and loving her in the right love language and chances are God will use your behavior to influence her in a positive way.

The quote in that call that struck me is I'm so disappointed in myself and I think men and women, but especially men that the regrets of the past can get you so stuck that you don't move out of it or you feel like will. It's hopeless and I'll never be able to make up for you know that the things in the past so disappointed in myself can be a good motivator that can't. I think it can. Chris and I think when we realize that. I think the first step is to support our heart to God and acknowledged to God that we fail because it's his spirit that's touching us and helping us realize how we failed and so coming to God rather than running away from God.

Sometimes people feel like will God wouldn't have anything to do with me am so. I don't know. He sent Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. The Bible says so I think of spending time just pouring out your heart to God and then asking God not only to forgive you for past failures, but to give you wisdom on the steps you need to take at this juncture because there's a spirit always a spiritual dimension in relationships, and our relationship with God is going to not only help us see things that need to be done but give us the power to make the changes that need to be made featured resource at the website.

Five love languages.com is the book "The 5 Love Languages" .

The secret to love that last. You can find out more at that website. Five love languages.com II got this email today I want to hear your response to it, Gary. I've spent the last five years being a caretaker for my husband, who suffered a stroke he passed into glory in September 2021. We had been married 47 years.

It seems I've lost my identity wife Pastor's wife caretaker, so I'm at loose ends and confused. I miss him and read for him but I'm relieved that he's free and healed.

However, I have hope because I know and trust that God will not abandon me and has not, and that he has a plan for me. What would you say to that widow who's walking this new season of life. First of all I would command this lady for her faithfulness to her husband caring for him when he needed her no. In marriage we never know which of us is going to be sick car come down with some dreaded disease and one of our commitments is in sickness and in health, and you will never regret having been a caregiver for him however long that was before God took him home. I do think it obviously you're in a different stage of life. Now whenever we lose a spouse we move into a whole different framework of life and having invested a lot of time caring for him and now it's normal to be asking what do I do now because of invested. Basically my life for however long with my husband. I think as long as we are alive. God has a purpose for our lives.

As a pastor's wife.

You know you served in a role as a pastor's wife at one juncture along the line, and God used you and God use people in your life.

Also to encourage you, I would say reach out to get involved.

If you're not already in the women's group, not necessarily a support group, but a women's group that is Bible study and open conversation with each other because you need others to walk with you in this journey, and perhaps there are widows who also are going through something similar to you, maybe they're further down the road and you are but I think reaching out to other ladies and letting them be a part of your life and also asking God to show you where should I be investing my time and my energy now at this juncture, my life because life's meaning is found in serving others. Remember what Jesus said about himself.

I did not come to be served.

I came to serve and to give my life a ransom for others so you been serving your husband now God has other people other situations where you can serve him so developing a relationship with God being open and honest about your feelings because you're not going surprise God by whatever you say to them and just make this a time of spiritual growth and social or relational growth as you meet with other ladies. Those are my thoughts. Many churches have grief programs the grief share is a popular one around the country and you and I both know Miriam Neff. She has a website widow connection.com where there are lots of resources and then just story after story after story, so that connection can be had, but you know you and you can do it online it's it's I think is better face-to-face telling your stories with other people so that another couple of things to add to the what Gary is just said this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman to play our next caller's voice because she asked us not to, but the question was about same-sex marriage and it's not whether or not to go to the wedding she's already made the decision. I can't go to the wedding. I just don't feel like I can be a participant in this but I love my it's an extended family member.

I love her and I want to show love to her and at the time that she called Gary she was about to have a meeting with that family which is which is already happened. But what would you say to a person who says I'm going to go into a conversation with an extended family member is going to be in a same-sex marriage and I need to say I can't attend but I love you what what you counsel in that situation well. I think that is the position that most Christians come to when a family member is marrying someone of the same sex. We lived love them, God loves them. God loves all all of us, but I think we don't want to violate our commitment to what we believe the Bible teaches about that topic.

And so to say honey I want you to know I won't be able to attend because I feel like I will be affirming this decision that you made but I want to know that I love you and anything I can do for you along the way. I certainly want to be.

I want to do it and I hope you understand that and if the other person knows you well and knows that you have a commitment to Christ and you do that in a loving and kind way rather than a condemning way of preaching to her and saying harsh and mean things to her that that doesn't help at all, but to just be open and honest about where you are with your beliefs and why you can't attend, but that you do love her will to be there for her and that in the years that are to me that's that's the best approach for a Christian to take.

That said, knowing that there may be pushback that will if you love me, you just come you just be here. You know I can't get you and then you can get into that that argument, which it sounds like what you're saying is you can just kind of quell that and and be able to say that I'm telling you now I I can. My convictions say I can't do this but I want you to know that I love you and I want you in my life right now and I think Chris has to do with the spirit in which you say that rather than a condemning spirit. It's an open spirit and honest, and honest expression of your heart and that you're even paying to say that this is what they're doing because it is that's where you are and I think most the time that the person who's getting married will accept that and I will not pressure you are make you try to make you feel bad for not doing it. So that's the couple of really, really important things were dealing with, but were also dealing with more marriage questions and this is from a wife who is dealing with a recurring problem with her husband are boss. That we been together for 25 years and married for 16 years.I was just wondering what I could. Gary, this is a rather common problem in marriages. Sometimes a husband. Sometimes the wife has a controlling personality that is their basic lifestyle. Their basic pattern in the relationship is to take charge, to make decisions and if the other person doesn't agree to try to talk them into it and and if I don't agree still that they do it anyway and consequently the person to whom they're relating when it's marriage or friendship feels that in I'm not it's not a team here there a dictator.

They make all the decisions expect me just to say yes, and it's very painful emotionally being married to someone who is a controller and expresses that personality in the marriage.

It makes the other person feel like a child you know they control the money many times in a in a manner that the spouse has to go and say, may I have five dollars to do this and it makes them feel like their child and the other person's apparent so typically this kind of personality doesn't just change on their own and your complaining about it to them, typically is not going to help them because their controller and I will discontinue and will continue what they're doing and try to convince you that you're the one the trial.

I would suggest this. Tell them that this is been us that this is a severe pain in your heart, share your feelings with them and say to them. I am going to see a counselor to try to get help for me.

I would like for you to go with me but if you don't, I'm going for counseling. Sometimes when you take that stance and you actually do go for counseling. They will be more open to going with you for counseling, if not the first time. Maybe the second or third time to go see a counselor and a counter can also help you process your own emotions and talk about what what else you might do that will be helpful rather than harmful say, by nature, we just fight back someone who's controlling us.

We complain about it. We call them a controller we say negative things to them about their behavior and that just pushes them away as far as the relationships concern, but you going for help if they're not willing to go with you would be a first step in the process. In my opinion, if you enjoy our program should visit our website. Five love languages.com area. Find out more about Dr. Gary Chapman's New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" , which is our featured resource and you can hear podcast of the program.

Find out about your love language. If you enjoy our dear Gary broadcast each month with your question or comment by calling us at 186-6424 Gary I know we have a lot of singles who listen to this program.

Thank you for that.

Here's a call about singleness and the love languages marked out now on my thanks Eli, knowing that my loving heart and I thought trying to find the right card. Tell me the attached letter question.

My heart knowing that I navigate that question.

That's an excellent question. I would say if the person you're dating. It seems that you dated them for a while has not read "The 5 Love Languages" for single adults we didn't ask them if they would be willing to read that and let you know what I think about it is that the concept of love languages. Let them discover it as they read the book and then let them take the quiz so that you learn what their love languages as well as letting them know what your love languages and then you talk about what are appropriate touches because if they know that your love languages physical touch and you discussed it and maybe they're leveling just words of affirmation, then fine. You focus on giving them words of affirmation. They focus on giving you appropriate touches but you have to explain to them what appropriate touches are because again were individuals we have different ideas of what appropriate touches are but you're the one who sets the guidelines for what those appropriate touches are and let them know your convictions in terms of not being involved sexually before marriage so that they know that you know that. And if they are if they if they go beyond what you consider to be appropriate physical touches then you need to let them know that that they go beyond the bounds and we can't we can do that again and you can you can forgive them for my depressing too much time or two but if they continue to press you to move into a sexual relationship that you do not want to do then to me that's a sign.

This is not the person you want Mary anyone who would violate what they know to be your convictions about the sexual part of relationships is not a person that you want to marry because if they would do that before marriage. They will also violate you after marriage. So you're looking for God's plan and God's will.

I think that approach will help you determine whether the person you're now dating is a person you should continue with and might be the person God has for you are, whether it's not in the relationship should be broke. It's really interesting to think about this at night. I commend her for knowing this, you know, as as an adult, a single adult. Knowing this about herself and asking this deep of the question as she gets of me. I think that's fantastic though you absolutely shows real insight into what physical touch is all about and what the love languages all about. So yeah, I'm glad that she's asking that question and that's why I think again communicating about leveling just with each other especially letting the person she's dating not only know what her love languages but also letting him know what the boundaries are. Let me of follow-up, then okay so you you are a young single woman and you're in a small group for your euro singles group at your church and your love language is physical touch.

You are more apt to come along someone in the end of your hand on their shoulder or you to stand stand close to them because this is how your made other people obey differently in this culture. In this mill you that worrying Gary you have to be Male and female, yet be careful with that. So how do you how you navigate those those waters will offer a banker as well as understanding that your natural bent will be to express love to the other person in your own love language. That is what you want and so consequently you would more freely, as you said Pat patted him on the back or touch them and what some appropriate way treat for you. But keep this in mind, your your speaking, your love language to them is on this early on communicate love to them. You will learn their love language and speak their love language and even though by nature, we speak our own love language so I think understanding that concept, and then asking yourself what are appropriate touches for me to make to them because we don't to speak a person's primary love language you which we sprinkle in the others as well because all of these are ways to express love, but we just want to make sure that we're doing it in a way that's not only meaningful to them but also in a way that doesn't break our own boundaries and just a word that "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource. Also as a singles addition of "The 5 Love Languages" singles addition is available, you find out more.

Five love languages.com.

Next up. Gary is a disappointed wife who has heard some really hard news.

Here's our next caller filed for divorce and the impression. Her life interesting thing to do marriage counseling, but I really feel that if we would talk through things. Maybe we could work out. I don't know what that could take at this point, just wondering what I should do. Many couples in today's world where the husband or otherwise says to the spouse and no longer love you and am filing for divorce. Most of the time that comes out of the blue they are already involved with someone else.

Not always, but often that's the case, and if they're already involved with someone else, then they've got all these euphoric feelings that we call being in love. I got all these feelings for this other person and consequently that's what led them to make the decision I'm going divorce and I'm going to go with this person that I now am in love with emotionally it's very hard for you to overcome that emotional attachment they have with the other person and as painful as it is, you have to recognize that you cannot make them work on the marriage obviously you wish they would work on the marriage, and I agree with you fully if they were willing to work on the marriage, their answers yes you can have a good relationship. The whole concept that if I'm not happy in a marriage if I don't feel loved in the marriage and that I meet somebody else and have feelings for them that I'll never be happy unless I go with this new person. All research is shown that's not the answer. The divorce rate in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate in first marriages veterans not running the answers. Learning learning what were doing negatively impacting each other and then learning to speak each other's love language learning how to work as a team in the relationship marriages either grow our wheatgrass and we grow working on our relationship. We regress when we just let things happen. So very empathetic with United States.

One of the most painful things a person can experience when a spouse is going divorce you and we can't keep them from doing that. It takes two people to resolve things and work on the marriage it only takes one person to create a divorce so I would think that you would find it helpful to find a Christian counselor who can talk with you and listen to you and help you process the pain that you're going through right now and I would let your spouse know that you still love them you want to work on the relationship and that you will be praying that God will help them have that desire even even if they do divorce because many times if the person is been involved with somebody else and then they get married and they can come down off that high.

Sooner or later, and sometimes they realize it and want to come back, but any right it's it it's a very difficult very painful experience.

So don't know the put yourself down, and if you recognize your failure. Certainly you can apologize for your failures.

They may say will forgive you, but I'm still going divorce you. And when they made up their mind and they come to the point where they actually tell you the going divorce and actually take the steps to legally do that is not a whole lot you can do that will make them turn around so you just need some people it will walk with you through this process and pray with you that that God may touch his.

In this case, his heart before he does that. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" that's are featured resource it subtitled the secret to love that lasts again. You can find out more at 5lovelanguages.com again if you'd like to ask the question of Dr. Chapman, 866424 Gary I mentioned little earlier if you're in the car pull over so we don't get the road noise in this next call you can hear some of that but I'm so glad that our listener called in. You can hear the depth of his question after a big change in his life. Why not morning.

We are like anyone making children to be together forever and no iPod but discounted time to share this desire to work on the marriage with us.

It's always a Christian thing to want to work on the marriage and apparently he already is aware of the love language probably Artie knows her love language. I would say continue speaking that to the best of your ability. Ask your wife if there are things in your life and your relationship with her that need to be changed or that were a factor in bringing her to the place where she saying she doesn't want to work on the marriage she probably does have some things there. She may have shared them. She may not have shared them, but to ask her where from your perspective have failed in our relationship because I really want to be a husband that you you would want to have soap, opening yourself up to what comment she might have, and then asking God to help you make changes that may need to be changed again. You can't make her turn around, but you can let her know that you very much. Love her, and in any way you've failed her. You want to apologize for it. I think if she would go with you for counseling that would be of the most positive thing that could happen because there with the third person counselor you can come to understand her better. She can understand you better and the counter can help you take steps because the relationship doesn't just get better with the passing of time, it gets better when we are understanding ourselves in understanding the dynamics in our relationship that it brought us to this place and then being open to make changes. And since she moved back to California which was her home. It may be that she has old friends there, whom she perhaps dated in high school or something else that she's reconnected with and with whom she has a cultural identity and this is pulling her to think I'd be happier with this this person that I dated in high school so that may be a factor of what's going on here again if she would go for counseling accounts can help discover that and can help her walk through that, because many times when a person does that, they realize years later that the person I dated in high school is not the person they are now so but that could be a factor. I'm just raising that as a possibility, though Facebook romances as well as moving is other than death.

Moving is a really big stressor on a relationship on a marriage so there's a lot of things that are factored in here. I would think right you absolutely and you know his his lifestyle and his background going up in Alabama in the white community her from Mexico with the Mexican culture.

The cultures are different and so sometimes that's not figures into the problem and doesn't mean we can't have a good relationship.

It means we have to understand cultural differences and learn how to work together well.

We have one final question here. Gary and I don't know that we've ever gotten this before. It seems I say that on every paragraph because we get some really good questions here, but I final call concerns the love languages but there's a spiritual twist to the question. God bless you and your ministry.

Me and my wife have read five love languages, married couples, but I was single I read single. I just really think you're very grateful and thankful for your ministry by question is in the realm of "The 5 Love Languages" , I know our Lord Jesus.

He said that to die for another to die for. Once granted, the great and so my question is where does the love you to fall within the bank. Have a wonderful bakery that's a question that led me to write a book called God speaks your love language because people kept asking me what is Jesus love language what is God's love language and we know Jesus is God because he said you see me you seen the father where one so it is a question I think that that will come to the mind of Christians when they think about the love languages and what I discovered is God speaks all five love languages fluently in the Old Testament. You'll find them in the New Testament of the life of Jesus, you will find them Jesus expressing all of these love languages.

Let's face it, if were made in God's image. It would be logical that God would speak all these languages that make us feel loved.

So don't think God has a primary love language, but I think he read the Scriptures you see all five of them being expressed by Jesus. All five being expressed by God in the Old Testament as well. And here's another factor just for your information, we tend to be drawn to Christ because of seeing him speak our love language.

For example, physical touch people. If this is their love language, they will likely have a very dramatic conversion experience. It'll be like Saul on the road to Damascus meager people say I was just sitting there in church and heard the song and all of a sudden I started weeping. My body started shaking and I knew God was speaking to me well letter, but has that kind of experience, but if physical touch is your language. You probably did have that kind of experience if you're Christian so this insight on that and then once we become Christians, we tend to express our love to God most often most naturally and I'll love language so physical touch is our language were the want to just freely raise our hands only saying you know that we may move our body back and forth as we saying we may get on our knees to pray because we physically and we responded to God with our bodies so it's a very fascinating study. The name the book again is God speaks your love life like you may find it to be a really exciting reading is you're talking. Thinking about Jesus touching the leper, for example, a person who would never be in that culture. You'd never touch anybody like that Gary is breaking all these rules and and reaching out and touching and then I think of you all the all the love languages quality time you have the time spent with the disciples just walking on the road and talking in and doing life together. That's what he was committed to. So they're all there there there there there clearly and there there over and over again. Chris will before we conclude today I want to give you that number where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman maybe heard him answer a question here today and you want to follow up with something or you have a situation in your own family 186-6424 Gary 866424 Gary any question or comment.

You might want to leave. Love to hear from you today and don't forget to check out our featured resource.

Five love languages secret to love that lasts five love languages coming up next week in your life's race can profit a lot of talks about the Dunlap in one think thank you today to IPO action team went to Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman irradiance condo ministry