The 5 Apology Languages

Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. There's two essentials to long-term healthy relationships. One is meeting the emotionally for love and the other is dealing effectively with our failures and that involves apologizing and trying to communicate in a sincere way so that it makes it easier. The other person try to lessen messing with his back to me. State bridges really enjoying sign apologized and told me didn't stay with us is Dr. Jennifer Thomas, five quality languages today on Building Relationships.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" website. Five love languages.com you see the book Thomas.

I love the subtitle secret to healthy relationships. Jim is a true start is communicating an effective apology from the heart. The real secret to a healthy relationship think it's one of the real steps in the right direction. Expect me to say the first step is love right there lovely but in reality and a lot of relationships.

Apology is the first because they built a wall between the two of them and it's hard to speak love when you got a wall between in the wall only comes available. We apologizing for you so I do believe this is an essential to a long-term healthy relationship with others marriage or where there's parent-child or disclose friendships so I am really excited about talking today to my co-author Dr. Jennifer Thomas about this topic. I'm excited about two and as you listen today to the broadcast. Maybe there's somebody that you need to apologize to, or someone who has wronged you, and they've said there sorry but you know that they haven't really is not from the heart wants you to hear what Dr. Jennifer Thomas has to say. She is a motivational speaker specializing in "The 5 Love Languages" and communication. She's a business consultant and psychologist. She is co-author with Dr. Gary Chapman of our featured resource today. The five apology languages. She has a doctoral degree in clinical psychology from the University of Maryland, as well as a BA in psychology and religion from the University of Virginia. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com will Jennifer, welcome back to Building Relationships with their toes. The story of how you first saw a parallel between the love languages and giving an apology. I remember the day you came to my office with this idea because this book really grew out of your idea but do tell us about that happened in my counseling argument, but the truth was a disagreement that has been taking and it was a layered disagreement where people can probably relate to different levels and layers of meaning to what was coming and that time that day and so I quickly said I'm sorry a little bit later and asked what was wrong. I just wish you and I was sorry he hadn't received my apology and so curious and I asked him a letter for me. Sorry. Right away you listeners to stop and wait to see or hear because there will be an important part of learning your script and JT's case, I was wrong. So I said okay I was wrong today and in the situation I went on things along those lines really between just saying I'm sorry and so I remember this for next time because I don't want a new understanding. I've got psychologist as I worked with couples and individuals to help optimize their relationship to me that we have scripts for what we want to hear apologies much like we have a language in which we want to love are aware in which we feel appreciated and so that was when I came into you and we talked it over and we found interestingly that there are five different things that people might want an apology.

Now, as we said, we were not looking for five that was really like. I remember that you came to my office and will be honest with you when you my assistant said that you would call for an appointment with all know she's having problems with the problem that people have apology languages just like they have love languages and what you said will think what one person considers to be a sincere apologies know what another person considers to be a sincere apology as soon as you said it a resolution with it because my office know through the years, arguing about whether or not one of them apologized. She would say I would forgive him if he would just apologize and he would cite apologize and apologize told you I was sorry but apology thought about it before, so it is with so it's been a good journey working on this book with you and so I'm excited about it. So you know that's that's like a little bit about our world we live in an angry and divided world you know where people are often quick to demean one another. Families have splits over politics and forgiveness. Seems like a foreign concept almost as our culture began to find its way back to some sense of recognizing and taking responsibility for our failures, we can help people that we can wear the rest of your relationships continue to show hard times where you got barriers between yourself and the person possible to reach between people that are to try not use polarizing rang. Be careful not to talk about that either people or groups of people.

Listeners to be really careful about name-calling or putting down our leaders as they're not sure that I don't want to use as bad names, but when we did that really minimize ourselves and my hope is that as we elevate each other that will be to find common ground level relationships whether offices are in our friendships. We try to send more than we talk and listen with respect and restate what others are saying that we will build bridges back to others so that we can really enjoy. No question about it with disparately for sure.

A bit about marriage. Have you seen this concept of understanding apology and giving apologies to change marriage relationships absolutely change my really took my communication with the next level where Mary creates a barrier between person?

Barriers out of the way and so as I worked with couples is apologies worked. It's probably that your script comes from your child that way your teachers required a year in order for you to get out of the dog, but the challenge is that person probably different scripts so it's important to learn what they need to hear. And that's our challenge is to get out of our engineers and put ourselves in the other person just love languages we need to speak other person language that I've seen real soft can be like a ball that rolls and picks up speed where sometimes my mouth was hanging open as I listened to the softening where couples have been very hard to each other.

For example, I remember just briefly one possible had a lot of hurt in the relationship. After learning what is apology language lies and they shared this where the husband said maybe one of my character flaws is being close minded thinking I'm right I see things I might really think that the way you see crazy but I want to change size times that I acted like my judgment is better than yours making the change. You feel like equal partner that you are right there and he said I recognize some areas were not what you're actually better than a lot of the relationship.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . If you'd like to hear a pass program.

Take an assessment of your love language or see our featured resource today go to five love languages.com that resources the book buyer host Dr. Gary Chapman and our guest Dr. Jennifer Thomas.

It's titled the five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships. I would question the US talk to Thomas a minute ago but let me get this correct. The goal here with the love languages in the apology languages is not to manipulate.

It's not the control the conversation of the relationship. It's to communicate what is really deep down inside that's the end goal right right. We want the other person to really sense the sincerity of our love for her apology, but in order to do that we have to speak it in their language. Otherwise they don't get it emotionally.

So yeah, that's the whole point. Had you seen that same thing that Dr. Thomas was talking about that apology can transform the relationship. Chris seen it many times through the years. After we discussed this and came up with this concept, but in my office.

Often they were both so we apologize, but they will forgive me and the other person says well it's hard to forgive when you don't like your sincere but we judge sincerely Bluestone what they're saying and how they sleep and so when they get this concept. It's a whole different ballpark because they're saying now all okay I'm beginning to get it just like I have to speak her love language if I want her to feel love. I have to speak her apology language if I want her to feel most sincerely you got it so you know it's a very helpful concert. Really I think it's it's is fully helpful as the love language concept is because you have said for many years. There's two essential to long-term healthy relationships. One is meeting the emotional need for love and the other is dealing effectively with our failures that involves apologizing and trying to communicate in a sincere way so that it makes it easier for the other person to forgive us. So Jennifer, it sounds like then the apology itself is not hard to give it's actually easy to say I'm sorry what's hard is to communicate an effective apology that the other person hears and that you fully communicate right that's right.

And I think we reflexively speak.

Apologies in language that worked for our parents. As we were growing up and sort of a knee-jerk reaction for me to say I'm sorry but the reason JT didn't really care for that is because I can be sorry without taking any responsibility and so for him it was actually kind of grading and there are other things that we do apologize that can backfire and can really annoy people like I remember when wife said my husband will not speak words of apology, but I now he's admitting some wrongdoing when he sent me flowers after an argument and her reaction if she wants to throw them in the trash because he won't say the words, but as we talked she saw someone. Part of me want to save these beautiful flowers and I convinced her that she could translate his action as a means of admitting some wrongdoing even though he was having trouble saying the actual halfway change, but she no longer throws away for when you came with. Remember, one of the things I said was like the video but we've got to do some research and make sure this is really true so we asked thousands of people to questions number one, you know, what do you typically cite when you apologize and the second question, what do you want to hear people say when their apologizing to you and that's how we came up with the five so let's let's talk about the five distal briefly give us a little description of each of these five ways to apologize.

Okay so the first one is expressing regret or saying I'm sorry and that's the one comes naturally to me that it's just letting the person know in your heart you really about what you've done that on them. So this is really talking about emotions and regretting that you inconvenienced the other person sent them or worry down in some way. This second one is accepting responsibility or saying I was wrong and this is very different like if you were in a court of law.

You are submitting a guilty plea and so here you are accepting responsibility and you're saying I am not going to try to blame you for this denial dead. I'm not going to excuse myself. The other person maybe bracing themselves self for the word answer is important to refrain from saying that because that will turn your words into a non-apology, but really that your acceptance of responsibility, stand on two are both all about words. But some people will say talk is cheap. I'm looking for action and are next to move more into action.

One is making restitution or making a man so you would ask the question. I make this right or you can actually suggest something we often see the second customer service had bad service in a restaurant. Good server will say well here's a free appetizer or would like to free dessert and making amends is a way of underscoring their parity barrier that was created when the problem the next one is having a plan for change and so it's letting them know it takes some steps to prevent a reoccurrence and is really living on towards the future where saying I value you and I value the relationship and I don't want to end up in this place again and so I'm put some guardrails in place so that this cannot possibly happen again. Something as simple as running late repeatedly for a meeting or a date or something and so right in front of person you would say other words apology, but be sure there apology language that you include I want to take a step to prevent this from happening again right now in front of you and set an alarm repeating alarm if it's a repeating final apology language is actually question and that is the request for forgiveness. We found that some people really want to be asked can you find it in your heart to forgive me and this is tricky because it didn't occur to me as something that people really say for every day. Apologies, even for run-of-the-mill offenses. For some people you're only getting warmed up until you've asked for their forgiveness. And that's really what shows them. You work closely with one of these people are married to, or in a relationship with one of these people.

It's important for you to learn said that when you apologize.

You can question and then they'll understand that you really are senior. Hopefully in another part of this is that it's important to give them time so you can't demand that they forgive you on the spot and let them know to be build their trust said that they will be able to forget this last one actually asking for forgiveness requesting forgiveness but was not on my radar will restore the research but will develop apologizing in any matter. Don't know what will be forgiven. Why would W apologizing but we did find that there are people around the store you told about your mother a coworker if you remember but I remember just tell a story my mom coworker to let her know that Steve and I came from her female coworker, but let's just say it was a male and he turned out he was feeling and I apologize.

I don't want there to be anything between us and I remember what happened and I remember that I the classic phrase I said I was sorry. What else can I do to help with the other person said well I just wish you would ask me to forgive you and so my mom said okay. Would you please forgive me and she was quite willing to do that. It it was something that she really didn't want to have resolved.

She didn't realize that those were the magic words and says she store that away and used that going forward, to help underscore her sincerity with that person.

And so, as I've taken this concept into the workplace with different people. As a consultant what I've done is whole team take our apology language profile and as result we don't want them to end up in someone's office drawer. We like to post them in the old days in the break room now that everybody is on zoom or virtual, then you could also keep it handy right near your laptop on screen said that when you need to apologize to someone you can use all of the apology language is time, or such a serious or repeated offense, but be sure that you don't leave out the one that is most important to each of those people, opening is communicating since we we can be sincere, but they don't always read it as being sincere, but have a different idea of what the sincere apology looks like. So what is the fundamental key.

If you're apologizing, what's the fundamental key of communicating since her right. Sincerity is the most important thing that's really what were asking ourselves is to me or are they just saying that to try to get this come behind them and we don't want that kind of apology and so really what it comes down to is can I trust your heart and my safe with you. Are you going to hurt me again like this or you could talk badly about me to other people a lot involved when we get offended and trust is very complicated and another thing that I want underscore is that our actions really do matter.

It's not just using the words I'm sorry I was wrong. But as we listen to people's apologies and if we want to know if there sincere can't judge their hearts. Only God can do that we can watch their actions and see if they really are changing� Talk about because expressing regret with the words. I'm sorry you tell them what you're sorry for the book. How does that differ from expressing you know I don't want this to happen again. Want to get a plan so this will happen again. Those two are pretty different right right here and maybe really helpful parts of an apology. You could start with one another as your expressing regret is very important to be specific about what you regret in your part in what went wrong so we don't want to just use generalities like there a lot of things that apologies just they rubbished the wrong when people say I'm sorry about what happened. Now we want active language. I regret what I did use I words and don't just say what I did go on to explain I made this mistake I made this choice and I really regret that I wish I had made other choice. So being specific will underscore your sincerely but don't stop there for many people it's going to be important that you go in and correct the problem and making amends is really about making the person hold in the present that is bringing them back to the place where they were before you came along and created the problem and then the next apology step plan for change. It's about making things right. Going forward to presenting that from happening and I think those are really important parts of showering how important it is that we not let the other person down again couple them over some time ago and she said she's probably said I'm sorry files and doesn't make any effort to change the behavior just keeps doing the same old things over and over. Clearly what she considered to be a sincere apology to express a desire to change and then follow through with making changes.

She can see it as being sincere when you write the picture you get good why she would feel it was exactly thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and thanks for telling a friend about the program to go to five love languages.com. You'll find some great resources including today's featured resource by Dr. Chapman and I guess Dr. Jennifer Thomas their book is titled the five apology languages. The secret to healthy relationships.

Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com okay I have held on to this for this whole program that I have to get you to answer this Dr. Thomas.

I was on a phone conversation with someone. This was we were trying to buy a house at the time and this was a real estate person who was at the top of the company talking to me about a problem that was going on and he said to me over the phone. I happened to be outside at the time, so the neighbors could hear this, he said to me well I'm sorry you feel that way when he said that he said it as an apology. He's we really believe that he was apologizing and I said what what what what you get going. It's a tough time out,, you know what happened when use inside of me when you just said I'm sorry you feel that way about how did you tell about read this book. But what is what is wrong with saying I'm sorry you feel that way yeah well I'll lead off by saying I think the blame on you and it's saying I'm sorry you're too sensitive or I'm sorry you're wrong, which is our apology, non-apologies, and they're really going to just add fuel to the fire of your anger and frustration which I imagine was already in a situation when you talking about finances and something as important as house you really want to have top-notch customer service and I would've had a hard time not going nuclear on Willow Road. I agree with you's situation like that the person hasn't thought about it hasn't thought through apology very well and they're just trying to get over the situation and they are sorry that you that you felt that where you took it that way because maybe in their mind that's not what they mean it, but another Jennifer you have a listen to a lot of public apologies. Everybody knows what they've done sometimes, but the seller if anyone was offended by what I said I'm deeply sorry this is their blood as people for being so clear and scared that you want us to. So let me flip it around on the other side. Is there a sense that we can be too thin-skinned with those that we can we cannot see the heart of the other person who's really trying to apologize and can't say the right words can we give them another words a little bit of grace. Jennifer helpful if you can do that if we remember the woman was offended when try to make up getting flowers that we can get partial credit. When someone offers an apology and there apology language not in ours. We can say other than doing that thing again. I wouldn't have given a penny for that apology until apology languages, but now I can know why that's not like 1/4 apology for me. I think I can at least recognize that it's an attempt to apologize and send money get that times were credit and then you can decide if you want to have a conversation with the person that might be good thank you to say you know I recognize that you're really trying here and yet there's still something that like to see or hear what if I share that with you so get permission to share and the nice thing about that is if they say yes and hopefully actually listening and then you can let them know what what would really show there's really speak to your heart think that's one of understanding that there are five basic ways in our culture, people tend to apologize. Just like when you know that there's five love languages and maybe marriage maybe your spouse is not speaking your loved ones.

Maybe they are vacuuming floors and washing dishes, walking the dog and all the stuff you really want is quality time but know that you know that there's five love languages give them credit for what they're doing because you will whether there lose their speaking one language is probably their language with you can still request your quality time to notice what I hear you say. Further, we give them credit for an attempt to apologize and then we share with each other, but especially in a marriage in a close relationship we share the we do have different ideas of what it means to apologize. And then we learn to speak the other person's language here is what I want to share with you. Jennifer goes over there so many times. What if I don't think I'm wrong.

Personal soil was rolled metal like I was wrong almost right well the first thing that I would say is don't apologize just to get some peace because one of my requirements is that every apology should be here apology so I say wait before you reflexively apologize just to kind of get their feathers ruffled and instead have a conversation with and in that conversation, I would focus on a couple of things. One is restating what they're saying you make sure you understand what their complaint or concern and people are repeating something and you've heard it before, find that they are not sure you get and so simply sending it back to Dan and having them say yes that that really is what my frustration can be helpful in validating them to calm down the situation and then I would let them know that I might say, well, you know, I just I see where you're coming from and I see things somewhat differently share that with you and so were moving into a conversation instead of an easy apology get out of here, but really there's a cost to be paid and that is if you give apologies that are not fear their government sense it and be mad and you be mad at yourself for selling yourself out and apologizing again when you didn't have to.

So I think it's really important to hold the line there and talk it through the person to fully agree with it often said to man because men sometimes have more� My perception. Okay guys, more difficulty slowing overall we get that we have the idea� I am wrong means I was morally wrong and did something sinful and that don't get hung up on with peers illustration are to observe this with Jennifer, but I was out of town for a week or so with just a week and my wife that are one of our chairs reupholstered and I came home and so it looks morning I was sitting in that chair and she said to me honey how do you like the new cover and without thinking I said what he'll like it but to be honest with you, like the oak cover better and she broke into tears. You don't like it a bit spend too much going over to what I said was mostly okay stupid so sorry about the possible golf was rolled out of the blue, but is likely to be morally wrong if what you did or didn't do has hurt the relationship hurt the other person. The short the relationship. We will do it. I was rolled up should not of the wrong things you did there was not to have an opinion about cover it was you were insensitive to the all the all the effort that she had put into this and you didn't even count that into the response right absolutely works well so it was before spoke. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is the book the five apology languages.

The secret to healthy relationships. It's written by Dr. Jennifer Thomas along with Dr. Gary Chapman and find out more at 5lovelanguages.com Jennifer talk about that we each have an idea of what a sincere apology use were calling apology language within a 5/4 preferred apology languages ways you can do it here by the book person then you can take our apology language profile it's free@5languages.com and you can take our pencil and paper test and get a number that shows you have a sideline out for you but if you're more your pants casual conversation type person, then you might just want to sit down with people that you interact with most often ask them a couple questions, and chances are that their answers will give you a pretty good idea what they want to hear an apology. So things you want to ask would be when you hear a really good apology.

What makes a good and when you hear an apology.

It really stinks what what's missing and found that to be very eliminating.

This is my family before our book released I sat down on when we were at the beach with that whole extended family, and I said if you get really ironic that I have a book coming out on apologies because maybe you apology from me and I have no idea. Let's just clear the air now and sat there looking like crows on the line and I said let's just have a conversation about what you need to hear apologies and what you need to hear from me and it was really interesting dinner conversation and I would encourage listeners to do that because I think apologies are, like the wallpaper of life we don't pay much attention to them, but they're an essential tool for removing the complex that we have and for being able to move to the next level in our relationships at work and home, and I found as I did that with my family that it it did open some nice avenues for us to discuss things further and I was really have any big landmines that I stepped on my very few families ever have a conversation about apologies and what sincere apologies look like this letter grade. What what if the person however doesn't want to apologize. Yes, there a lot of personality factors that may be at play here grew up in a family where they felt shame message there are more extreme than what you did was bad, but you are bad and so what I've seen in my consulting and counseling work is that those people instead of admitting a mistake still try to cover them but not very good at covering our mistakes. People now and so it can really lead to some big complex and so I encourage people to practice the skill and apologizing.

It can be learned. It's like a muscle that just needs to be worked on.

And there's also encouragement for us in the Scriptures to do this like we could look at James 516 it says right there. Therefore confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed. And when I went and created your relationships may be healed so that US couple, or even a work team.

Our friendship will not be broken will be able to move down the road together with understanding and compassion warrants and hope that comes was really feeling like they understand me. And when they don't. We can work it through my father told my real men don't apologize. Your dad was probably a good guy who probably did the best. Your dad had better information.

Real men do apologize. In fact, if you want to have healthy relationships. You have to learn to apologize. So that for one reason none of us are perfect and have good relationships but we do have to deal with our failures. There's another area will discuss what about the person who's offended you with a dull, and offer you an apology. What do you do the one who's been offended yet. This is really common because if you think about it it's most in front of mind for this one. We've gotten hurt or when we've been offended right person merrily on to their day and had no idea that we were left with this frustration, bitterness or anger, and so were wondering.

Well, should I tell them or have a second ago idea what repercussions but invite a person is thinking about confronting someone to send you to call and to first ask yourself this question, is there any chance that they would say the same thing about me like do I possibly have a stack and log problem and when I say that I'm referring to Matthew 76 where it talks about don't take that back to prison assigned to take them along so we didn't need to inspect ourselves and see if the same could be said of us and then if we pass hurdle, then I would suggest going to the other person and having a conversation. Maybe saying I like to circle back to something that hasn't sat well with me. A gentle way to do that might be to lead and by checking on the person saying I want to check in and see if you doing okay because you usually do that for you usually are unable to listen to me or you're very patient but I noticed yesterday that and then describe the actual behavior chance to tell you all my goodness, I was not myself yesterday going on now. We don't want it to be an excuse, but if there is a real reason that helpful way instead of coming the person saying I'm so mad at you I need you to apologize right now right have a very different outcome and then my last piece of advice on this is that anger scares people and makes them head for the hills and sadness can often express the same feeling where you could let the person now.

I'm always disappointed about how things went down yesterday and I like to talk it through with you. Sometimes letting them know that you have a greater concern about what happened is more palatable for the listener and they may respond by giving you an apology may not, but it could open the doorway to that and to you being able to be reconciled with purse and the worst thing we could do smoldering so right right you need to clear the air if it bothers you that much, but I do believe in giving people a good, listening to and not jumping in with what I need but trying to lead off with what was going on. If it wasn't typical then said that just one typical situation because it really didn't sit well with me. I imagine that would lead to an apology where one is to Jennifer. We talked a lot about apology in the book.

We also deal with the response to an apology which is the biblical response is forgiveness.

What does forgiveness mean what does it look this is a really important concept and what we know is that forgiveness means that the data has been erased.

So I'm going to accept you back into my life if I forgive you. I'm going to try to rebuild trust and see if we can reconcile going forward is really against something that cannot be disbanded and apologies open the doorway for that forgiveness to happen but I will say there's no guarantee good people offer good apologies all the time and they come to me and ASAP tried everything is just not working. What else can I do my help. Our hope is that in learning about apology languages, people can say I've got one more tool in my belt and I had before I listen to this program read this book is something else I can try to do. I can try to connect with what they really need to see or hear, and I found for a lot of people.

That makes all the difference. Much, much more in the book about the apology languages also about forgiveness. So I do hope that our listeners will get the book for themselves and mobiles a family as you suggested earlier discuss this whole concept of apologizing forgiving because it's a central part of having good relationships so thank you for being with us to keep up the good work in your counseling and consulting really appreciate what you're doing thank you for having me today with you and your team and nothing else to for this program. We made sure no one's going to say I'm sorry you feel that way about this concept of speaking the meaningful apology.com. There you will discover more about the book 5 apology languages secret relationships by Dr. Jennifer Thomas five love languages coming up next week so try God's power, author and radio host Carl Clawson joins us talk about seven resolution before we go. Let me think our production with Janice Todd Building Relationships. Tom and radio in Chicago in association with Moody publishers a ministry at five