Dear Gary Christmas!

Today on a Christmas addition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman after an abusive situation is doomed.

If that's something that can be available, but were warm and trying like to hear from you remember Marmor is our final broadcast 2021. Our last chance to talk 2022. That's right, it's time for welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Oz of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" today as we celebrate Christmas. They look forward to a brand-new year present new calls the same rock solid biblical encouragement expect we have special treat for you go to church with Gary and the have all that and more straight ahead at her hostess, one of the only Dr. Gary Chapman.

Merry Christmas. How are you will sign for you Chris I am doing wonderful things are okay out there. Arizona that's the weird thing urine in North Carolina. We're in Arizona. Steve is in Chicago and they were taking calls from all around the country so were all together here on this Christmas Day and are featured resource of five love languages.com is your memoir.

We talked about this. Your life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey and I wonder if you would look back and you look over your shoulder. Tell me about a Christmas morning or Christmas day in your childhood anything come to mind about that you, Chris. What I remember, I think most pointedly is going out into the woods with my bad and cutting down Christmas tree in those days we always cut our own tree down and it was not on our lot. We just went in the words everybody did it go in the woods and funder wonder that's what we do, but that was a member yet is my dad and I did together course that was before Christmas Day.

Of course, is Christmas Day.

We were eager to get up and see what the presents were there under the tree for us is very exciting time my childhood in terms of Christmas was always a positive experience. Did you have lights and tinsel. Did you have popcorn around it what what did the decorations look like yeah it was up tinsel and lights and all of that but I do remember and some of the older folks remember this when one year we got an artificial tree and I don't mean green it was aluminum silver aluminum and a lighter colored light at the bottom that rotated so the color of the tree would change as it rotated so I don't member how many years we kept that it was a couple years and I think all of us decide we like Greentree like a good idea at the time.

Yes and he is everything. If you went on, cut the tree when you say cut the tree. Did you have an ax or a hatchet with you or is it a stall which took us all so it is cut it off near the ground and then Dragon home. We had to go over the railroad tracks.

To do that so it was that was carrying the tree for a good way so it wouldn't get huge trees because we had to get home.

I can smell the creosote along with the pine smell right now. So if you get a five love languages.com we have that book linked right there. It's a great read life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journeys got five love languages.com right Gary on this Christmas Day were going to let you hear some calls and questions in the first one is about a new book idea for you. See what you think of this. Her about how close to me how to can indicate out communication coming in in terms of our relationship with others.

I don't feel appreciated, but it might not be what we think different form of communication and then write everything down so simply fundamental idea about how to understand our staff and our loved one. Now you can block particular thinking about coming out with that would be something similar, but in terms of what I will follow up fighting couple people have it differently than going about why what are the ID has been doing much and how you could combat it. Maybe help you better understand somebody else exchange and what You could take from merit because even the most basic thing in "The 5 Love Languages" helped me so much learned to break everything down so much more intricately. I would love something like that, similar in terms of your argument with your spouse or your loved one where the disconnect coming back and what are the main no I mean thank you crack people go through that cut Communication.

Thank you so much that you Chapman really appreciate all your working helped so many people.

Chris, this is a fascinating question. Never thought of in terms of "The 5 Love Languages" of fighting, but I do deal with this concept of how do we process our differences because every couple has differences but not all differences or conflicts in a conflict basically is. I feel strongly you feel strongly we disagree on this. And so we got we got to find a meeting place here and I deal with that in the marriage of always wanted and really anger book as well.

I think the first step is we call a timeout and we breathe deeply, maybe take a walk around the block is to cool off and then come back and then I suggest that we take turns talking. For example, you take five minutes and tell me your side and I'll have five to tell my side and then we have as many terms as we like, but we don't interrupt each other because one of the problems in solving conflicts is retained interrupt each other and we listen for 15 seconds and then we so let's not write when we start a fight so if you take turns talking or less likely to fight and then while the other person talking. You must focus on listening trying to understand their perspective. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Look at the world through their eyes so that you can honestly say you know now that I'm listen to you. I think I understand what you're saying it's not the way I was seeing it and not the way I'm thinking or feeling. But I can see how that makes sense, and then they listen to you so long after that, I can say that now were not enemies when I'm in a fight now were accepting the fact that humans think differently. Humans feel differently. Now we can focus on how can we solve the problem and you spend your energy finding a meeting place rather than spending your energy trying to win the argument, so I wouldn't i wouldn't call it love languages, but it is an act of love. When you are respecting the other person's ideas and the other person's feelings, listening for understanding, for there's a lot there and maybe you know here on Christmas day. If that's when your hearing or program there something that's happened in under the tree, you're with the present that you didn't that you thought you're going to get that you didn't get from someone in the family and there's been an there's been an argument over something, maybe a little listen and and apply that today before take a break though the stick will more call. This is from a listener who's been in a long-term marriage.

It's a real hard struggle. Here's our next question hi Gary, married for over 40 years is now been sparked by abuse which has led to seeking a divorce and I just wanted to know my question is after an abusive situation if it best to leave the relationship or is it doomed to abuse. Is that something that can be fixed.

Thank you. I'm sure that many of our listeners can identify with this call because abuse, whether it's physical or whether it's verbal is much too common in our culture. I think the question of dualities do I stay here. What do I do in that situation. I believe that there is possibility of change. Yes, I believe an abuser can change but not without help and it will not go away simply with the passing of time. That is why often what we sometimes call tough love can be a step in the right direction and here's what I mean by that that you say to that spouse. I don't know how you feel about me but I love you very much I love you so much that I cannot sit here and do nothing while you abuse me in front of our children.

If you have children and therefore I'm going to move in with my mother for a while or whatever plan you have and I'm not abandoning you. If you are willing to get counseling for the problem when you and the counselor think that we are ready for marriage counseling and I'll be happy to join you and hopefully we can work out the situation but I love you too much to sit here and do nothing so that kind of separation can be an act of love and it can be the thing that God uses to touch the heart of the other person because they realize they're about to lose something important to them. So I hope that's helpful to the caller. Hope it's helpful to those who are listening now it's much more effective if, before you make that decision for tough love you give tender love because here's what happens often when were being abused. We will fight back verbally with them. We put them down.

We condemn them until unlawful by our and then if we decide to do what I've just described. They will say well I'm glad you're late and I'm tired and sick of you anyway. But if you have spoken their love language over a period of time, an extended period of time in spite of the fact that they're not being lovely to you. With God's help. Your loving them. Then you take that tough report.

Tough love approach.

They're far more likely to be touch to get help because now they realize they're about to lose someone is important to them someone who's been loving them in spite of the fact that they've not been very lovely so it's much more effective if it's preceded by what I'm calling tender love. Then the tough love our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for December Christmas day and I last program of 2021. Merry Christmas from all of us at Moody radio. If you have a relationship question number 186-6424 Gary, this is not counseling line. We can call you back. But if you keep your question as brief as possible. Will try to address it here on the program so call today and leave your message at 186-6424 Gary featured resources. Life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey, it's Dr. Chapman's memoir and you can find out more about it@ 5lovelanguages.com all right here we are Christmas Day final program of the year. I couldn't resist Gary. There was a little event that happened back in early October at the church you where you have served for 50 years now that was a special night wasn't well. It was Chris Boggs came from many years past two were in our college ministry or singles ministry or adult education ministry. When I directed all those things at different stages that came from all over the country came back to celebrate this time. So yeah, it was kind of a reunion in a time of encouragement. It was really a fun evening right with for the next nine minutes or so really kind of pull back the curtain and hear a little of what was on Dr. Chapman's heart that night will share three points with you. This is my was my last lecture that they, last lecture was not only my selector to say this on the go anywhere. The church Olympic team office and Emma and my assistant lederhosen and bypass willows ultimately wants me to help and I don't love this people to officially retired 31st of January, July, but I been here every single day and I will to continue being here. This is my family and so I just let me share three points with and those either notetakers want to write down three things because your things three things that we should remember, if you don't take notes. You look at it again alone on the screen later owns one.

Don't ever forget that the Christian life is a relationship not a set of rituals from several major religion in the world is a set of rituals. If you do these five things you be accepted by God. You get to heaven or Nevada or whatever is not Christianity.

Christian is a relationship with the living God. These words of Jesus gave this is this is John 14 verse 23 Jesus said if anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. Listen, my father will love him and we will come to him and make our home with him.

Imagine that the living God will come in like your home with him. You see, we seek to obey the teachings of Jesus have not been not to get to heaven.

No, because God loves us and we know that everything you said in the Bible don't do this or do this is because he loved us, and that's why we seek to obey because were the children of God, and we have a relationship with him.

I don't like this statement the daily Christian life is basically hanging out with God is basically hanging out with God all day long. And if you want to make that a reality.

I believe it starts by having a daily sit down and list some time with God first learned that a Moody Bible Institute in those days we call that a quiet time but I call it now daily sit down and listen time with God. It's a simple thing every day like a Bible you open it up. If you haven't done it before start of the gospel of John and before you read the chapter you say to God, I want to hear anything. You will say to me and you read the chapter with your pin in your hand and you underline anything that jumps out at you and then you go back and talk to God about what you underline make major confessing essay in my dressing.

God I want to do this. Give me courage to do this, but you're asking the question, yes I don't get this God is have a conversation with God.

You have a daily sit down and listen time and then talk to God about what you heard you talk to God.

The rest of the day you hang out with God all day long and that's what the Christian life is hanging out with God so suddenly want to say is this, don't expect to understand everything that happens in your life.

Don't expect to understand everything that happens in your life. Why would I say that because I many times about seeing through the years when something happens in a person's life. I'm in a Christian's life. If I don't understand and I say to themselves, and sometimes others. How could God do this to me. How could God let this happen in my life. If you wrote you you you you got something in your life.

You probably remember that I remember things happen just folded and understand what I don't understand why this would be if we took Tyler like a probably stand up and say here's one in my life. I never understand folks were never going to understand everything that happens to us what happens tragically is sometimes because people don't understand what happened or why God allowed it to run away from God to give up on God folks you give up on God. Where you going nowhere else to go know you run to God, not away from God when you made when you read my memoirs and there's a number things in my life that I don't understand a few of them have come to understand later. So I must still understand it will have to wait to heaven, but a song we sing along the way. When you can't see God's hand trust his heart there. Forget the first time I heard that song.

I was in Hawaii was a morning out.

Mother likened this guy get up and sing the song and I can hardly wait to get upstairs until Carol securely got yourself you got here there so when you can't see God's hand and what happens in your life you trust God's heart. He's a God who loves say we live in a sinful world and things happen and sickness is a reality, and death. Untimely deaths is an unwritten is a reality in accidents on the highway are all these things, but here here's the thing. God takes everything that happens even that bad things that happen in our lives even the evil things that happen we are affected by other people's decisions. God takes it all works are good. Romans 828 we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. So don't expect to understand but trust his heart and the third thing on site is remember we are here to serve others in the name of Jesus, Peter said of Jesus, he went about doing good accepted 10 verse 38.

If you want one sentence summary of the lifestyle of Jesus.

That's it. He went about doing good. And Jesus said about himself.

The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve, Matthew chapter 20 verse 20 we are not here to be served here to serve others in the name of Jesus, where his representatives. God wants to think everything that happens in our lives to make us more and more and more like Jesus. We are here to serve others, and is not God's given us different abilities and different talents were not all called to be the same.

Don't ever say what I want to be like them know you will be like the person God made you and take the talents of God is given you use them for his glory and serving others turn our lives over to him and we can trust him to guide us.

Someone asked me Gary think us of this year. The data some folks what you want on your bucket list and also don't have a bucket list. If you mean I want to go to the beach.

I want to go to Florida want to go to. You have a bucket list. If you only have to give you one I want to accomplish everything God has in mind for me to close a close with this Minnesota Baptist Church where every Christmas we took and offering for missions. We have done that here are all these years.

For years it was called the Lottie Moon Christmas offering Lottie Moon was a missionary to China and they named this offering for her because all the money was going to missions and I've heard of Lottie Moon all my life and one day I was in the little town of Virginia where she was born were hurt you. So I asked around and found the cemetery, go to her grave. I was thinking you know because you just so famous in the southern Baptist world off Amanda still be a nice big tombstone. You know what I got there is a little tiny stone by like that and it had her name Lottie Moon in the days she was born the day she died. And then it said faithful to and I went to go. That's what I want.

That's what I walked.

So how long we live folks. That's what we do with the likely half. So for myself and for you. My prayer is that we will be faithful unto death, and when we do things go be great. I will give you permission to take on the night you have to come to my funeral. Whatever that happens you'll have to come just love that your heart just came through that I this is our Christmas present to our listeners today. I wanted you to hear that what what what run through your heart as you listen well, the tears came to mind again and got out of there with her – that of the cemetery and looked at that tombstone and had that experience in because isn't that what we all want to be faithful in the death not get off on the wrong track toward the end of the journey, but this be faithful to God that he calls himself. There's a lot in there to you not to be getting you say I'm I will be here at the church. I'm not you're not employed there anymore, but there's space for you to do what you've been doing the last 50 years that a sense right yeah absolutely, Chris, and I'm still seeing people.

I think I'm not going to long-term counseling.

Now I'm going to short-term counseling and if they need extended counseling. We got counselors I can refer them to hear the city so I think that's gonna be about the only difference other than that I'm doing one of always use of the do the radio to the radio memo still speak up the conferences and stick with Moody and those marriage comps as we do every Saturday when B said 15 Saturdays a year can continue to write. If God puts things on my heart write about. So yeah, this want to continue to walk through the doors that God opens in a try to invest my life and helping others is age more a in in the mind, then it is in the out word mean you there are things that have are different now than they were 20 3050 years ago, but at in inside there's really not a whole lot of difference I can. I can see in your life. I think you're right Chris, I think it's not so much age as it is health if you're healthy, you know, and 85 or 90, you can keep going. If you're unhealthy at 50 you know there are things you can do because of your health so it's not so much the age as it is the degree of help that we well want to share that today again as our gift to you.

Just a peek behind the curtain that carries church before we got another break. Let me read a question that came into us. Dr. Chapman I have two beautiful girls there, 13 and 18.

They love the Lord, the service church that respect their mother. I am divorced their loving, empathetic, creative kind and good students. I have every cause to rejoice, but for the condition of their bedrooms. Honestly, I am a good and reasonable housekeeper. However, I sometimes think the Lord is the latest coming due to the piles in their rooms left to left of my own devices I could have their rooms whipped into shape in 12 hours. My parents and friends tell me shut the door help. I am losing my mind over this what you say to this list. I say think again about what's really important in life doesn't really make a huge difference where The Closer piled whether in a closet on the hanger or in the bedroom on the floor or the bedroom is a matter priority. I don't want you to lose your mind over this so if it makes you feel better.

Go ahead spend 12 hours and cleaned it up, but would warn you that will not last because another 24 hours and probably looked just like it did before. I would suggest this.

However, if they start dating and seriously you know in a dating relationship. Be sure that their boyfriend sees the room so that he knows what he's getting into, and that by sober her up a bit and think who. Maybe I should clean my room up a bit, but all the positive things. Focus on the positive things and don't worry about things that really ultimately very important. This is our Christmas day addition of Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, New York Times best-selling author of "The 5 Love Languages" can find simple ways to strengthen your relationships right there@ 5lovelanguages.com plus find out about our featured resource. Dr. Chapman's book life lessons and love languages.

What I've learned on my unexpected journey just got a five love languages.com Gary this next question is time sensitive and I think the event probably has already happened, but the caller is going through one of your books and has a concern so want you to hear his question here we go there like some couples wanting one example always talk about with the woman you know have problem with the man first product so hopefully docketing element that maybe you have some examples were warm and the change but when Reagan started out it is only showing where the woman has a problem with the man and woman wants to change him, but it works both ways a lot different, but that would be helpful.

Both sides to see. Thank you so much.

That's a good observation is reading the illustrations in that book, life promises, saying the illustration seem to be the wife is always having problems with the husband he needs to change.

I think as he reads further here find there are illustrations that are reversed for the husband's thinking you know the wife needs to change because let's face it, by nature that's the way we all perceive things. If we have a problem. The problem is not me. The problems the other person and so I think we have to realize differences and conflicts in a marriage are going to be normal and there sometimes and he thinks he needs to change times and she thinks he needs to change.

In fact I deal with another one of my books. The whole thing. How do you share the things that irritate you because if you don't have a plan for sharing them you to share them when the when you're emotional you return upset about it. You just lash out at him about something that doesn't motivate change the become defensive.

But if you have a plan. For example, what if you agree, and in the early stage of your marriage or it could be anytime really, what about if this week you tell me one thing that you would like for me to change something I need to start doing or stop doing that would make life better for you. But before you tell me that one thing tell me three things you like about me and then tell me the one thing you'd like me to change in the next week.

I wanted to give me a chance to tell you one thing I like for you to change and I'll tell you three things I like about you and then I'll ask for one thing to can make change.

If you agree to this gives you a plan for sharing these things in your share them. Not when you're upset and angry about it you is your share. There is a normal flow of things and the fact that you share three things that you like about the person opens up the possibility that they will make that change because all of us want to be better if I feel like you appreciate what I'm already doing and you're now making a suggestion on how to be better than I'm far more likely to do that and again were not going to force the person to change were simply requesting that they change and so you will find they will change a lot of things but I don't want to give you false hope to think they'll change everything there be some things that either cannot change. Or maybe they just choose not to change in some of those things we come to accept you know the fact that they misplace their car keys every three days and they ask you where my keys. Some people are wired to keep up with khakis and you can give suggestions. We just hang them on the clip you are out in the garage, but chances are they won't do that. So some things you have to accept just get you through four sets of keys and say how to use these with others and you will change what can be changed, but except the things that they choose not to change. I just look this up in that book was published in January 2012 so it's gonna be next week at this birthday 10-year-old birthday. I promises for couples. God's promises for you and your spouse. So this is basically Scripture that you can hang on to it in your marriage right now. It is this this brief little sections on the basic things out of Scripture that will enhance your marriage because your relationship with God will always enhance our relationship with our spouse while glad you called that question and if you would like to call 866424 Gary even though it's Christmas day.

You can leave a message right there and that Dr. Chapman may answer your question on a future dear Gary broadcast 186-6424 Gary so Christmas day, everybody seems happy.

All of those you know the glow in the eyes and the love and all of that but in the middle of this day.

Gary you know as well as I do that a lot of people who are struggling in this next call showcases that figure I have a person and I have a question. My wife have been married for 23 years.

We had a heck of a commercial relationship. Abusive and I just wondered. So I stayed with gentleman out church elders told me I should stay but that body would want to know what to do. We like to hear from you because Ben maybe my wife will hear from you. Thank you, Chris. The caller doesn't share what kind of abuse. This is and how long it's going on so there is a lot of loose ends there.

In my mind as to what he's dealing with. But I would say this before you make a decision to get out of a relationship, for whatever reason, go for counseling. Chances are, you do not have a problem that other couples don't have similar problems and counselors deal with this every day of the week so reach out for help and I would encourage you and her. If she chooses not to go with you. Then you just tell her I'm going to go for counseling because I've got to have help on how to handle this.

I want you to go with me but if you don't I'm going to go by myself. Chances are, when you take that step. She will go with you because she wants the counselor to hear her side of the story and as you do that and you share with the counselor, God can use that outside person that outside voice to help both of you understand each other and what's happening to the relationship and hopefully be a Christian counselor who will also have the spiritual dimension and talk about what would God say here what is God's answer to this relationship, listen the worst of marriages can be healed when we are willing to reach out for help and willing to make some changes emotionally.

We don't feel like it many times with, lost hope and we don't feel like working on the marriage so the question is not, do you want to work on the marriage. The question is will you work on the marriage. You know the real positive here he mentions the elders of this church, so he hasn't This to himself. This is not I mean he may feel isolated, but he's letting other people in on this and he's getting other counselors an abundance of counselors involved.

That's a good thing to do right, absolutely Chris. We should always be reaching out to friends to pastors and to counselors whenever were struggling with the situation and not simply try to handle it on our own because, listen most of us didn't get instruction on how to have a good marriage. We didn't get help on how you solve conflicts within get help on how to respond to someone, someone truly putting you down verbally and so forth. And these things are common and are people who can help us work through those things. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" can find out more about that at our website. Five love languages.com as well as our featured resource life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey again got a five love languages.com Gary one thing I know about you, and that is you have a heart for those who serve in the military who serve our country and we want to remember you on this Christmas day. Maybe your listening this program suffer in some far-flung placement spot on the globe and your hearing the D encouragement and the phone calls. Our next caller asked that we not listen to his voice on the radio so I'm going to read his question to you hi Gary, I've been in the military almost 20 years. I did three tours to Iraq. I married more than 10 years.

I'm currently isolated in a remote assignment.

My family is back in the states. I could really use your help. For years I've suppressed my affection because of either trauma from deployments or childhood. I don't know which work could be both, but I'm working on myself in therapy.

My wife and I are on the brink and right. Then the phone call. Kind of ended his question kind of ended so we don't know a lot about the situation, but in that far-flung place on the globe.

What would you say to him today. Well first of all Chris I would just express my own empathy for him because it's tough military lifestyle is tough. The deployments are tough and when the marriage is not what when you haven't learned how to support each other.

It can be on the brink.

As he put it so I would say first of all, I am encouraged that the caller is reaching out for therapy. It may sometimes start with a chaplain on the military base. But there also people there and counseling her train with various mental difficulties, so reaching out for help is the first step and you've taken that step and that's wonderful. The other thing I would say is if you haven't read the military addition of "The 5 Love Languages" . I think you would find it very very helpful.

I would also suggest that your wife read it, even though you're not together physically. She reads it and you read it and see how if you had had the information in that book how things would've been different. And if you can get that picture. Then you can say it's not too late. We can still make some changes. We can still learn how to stay connected while were deployed and so I think the two of you reading a book together, even though you're separated by distance and maybe discussing as you have a chance. What we learned out of that chapter and then you continue with your therapy and encourage her to reach out to a chaplain where she is or to someone else for help and together even though your long distance you can make progress on the marriage if both of you are getting the help you need again if you're listening today and you'd like to ask a question or maybe follow-up. Maybe you're in the military and you want to encourage this person who called in. Here's her number 866424 Gary is there really hope for a military marriage with that strained and you have such a goals between you both relationally and distance love to hear from you. 186-6424 Gary. Now here's a practical. I love practical questions that include financial and marriage questions all at the same time. This one came in recently. Gary listen to this not covered under health insurance charge and not later, I got mail being Mary charge the patient that I'm not married.

Thank you Gary know before you answer. I have a concession right when this phone call came in, I knew that we were going to get it on the air until now your Christmas day and so I wrote her back as I have her phone number. I texted her I said hey Chris Faber here received your voicemail. Dr. Is going to answer this, but it may be a while before we get he gets to that. Here are my thoughts so can I tell you what I told her, and then you tell me if this is advice okay go for. I said my thoughts are if you're getting married and you are telling the state that you're married, you're not married. There is an element of deception.

There I totally understand why you would want to keep the benefits but if you're married, you're married and it seems to me that you have a certain amount of fear of whether God is going to take care of you are not, and that's a valid fear. I'm certainly not in your situation and wouldn't pretend to understand fully. I think your main question is do I really trust that God is going to provide for me through all of this, or do I need to somehow control it. So I feel better. My guess is if you go around the state and pretend you're not married to them. This will eat at you down the road and then I added, if you're if you totally disregard this advice that I'm giving up stubble. Love you and wish the best for you and your records.

This test seems to be an issue of personal integrity that you're dealing with and I'm guessing that's why you called about it. I hope it helps. God bless your friend and she wrote back and she said well that before I tell you that what you think about that advice. I think you nailed it. Chris I mean yeah I think the real issue here is am I going to trust God to take care of my financial needs for medical expenses in the future are do I have to finagle, listen and make something different from what it's designed to be just because I want to get that medical benefit. Think you get the issue well. She responded to that and said I fully understand and my next thought is, why do I not trust God when he has brought me through so much praying about this.

The God will provide wisdom in this area. Thank you. And I think that's a good question to Wyatt after God is brought me through half of this why do I not trust God here and you see that story again and again through Scripture from the Old Testament to the new you know God does these great things. It's a struggle to trust him as well think it is Chris many times because you know we tend to rely on ourselves and be self-reliant, especially in our country. We've emphasize that through the years and we feel like we have to work everything out. Well, you know there's some things we can't work out there beyond our control and if we walk with God and believe God, the Scriptures are very clear you walk with God. God will take care of you. So I think it is a matter of coming back and affirming admitting my emotions admitting her emotions help struggling with this and all of that admitting that to God but Lord, I'm going to put my trust in you. Trust is a choice I'm choosing to put my trust in you and I think she's going to feel better about the whole thing if she can totally trust God and and the other issue I bring up business make sure that this is a person you really want spend the rest your life with get some premarital counseling when she's been a widow for number of years and second marriage is not all always all that easy to get some premarital counseling on other issues as well to make sure that this is the person that God wants you to be where to in the future. The last thing I said to her was you have a really good question, but don't beat yourself up for asking it or file it seems to me God is doing something inside because many people wouldn't even ask this question. They reviewed years ago. Do what they want to do my stock phrase for this is struggle is not a sign of failure struggle as a sign of life and that's what's happening on the inside. God is bringing these so don't look at this question in the struggle you're having as a sign that all I failed God that I'm even ask the question this is a sign that he's at work you greet. I absolutely Chris Chris, I see your empathy for this lady to situation. And that's good because she is struggle is something that's a common struggle.

She should put yourself down for having the struggle since we wanted to come out and places going to honor God and going to be good for her. I hadn't thought of that, though what you just mentioned.

Maybe there is something in the home marriage contract with this other person that she's not mistrusting Goddard or have a lack of trust in God but is this the right thing that's I think that's a good topic to bring up. I have one more question for you then before we end and it's something that you just touched on a minute ago. Here's our final call. Hello mom, just wondering what might be some good name that are like yourself mom in the Ohio area for some premarital counseling giant on that in their direction to go.

Let me know appreciate.

Thanks a lot personal. I'm glad that he's looking for someone with whom they can do premarital counseling if we spent more time preparing for marriage we be more successful in marriage.

You know that this think about it in your vocation you like to spend at least four years, getting ready for your vocation. Maybe that's why you're more successful in your vocation than we are in marriages. Then I want to commend them for looking for that.

Here's what I'd suggest in terms of finding someone who can give premarital counseling a first well call the churches are a church in your community that you trust and ask the pastor you know do you do premarital counseling hours or someone on your staff. It does premarital counseling or can you recommend a Christian counselor for me in our area because we want to do everything we can to prepare for marriage so that we can have a successful marriage. Typically, the pastors either do or they can point you in the right direction for that. You can also go online and Google American Association of Christian counselors, American Association of Christian counselors and find their website and when you go there.

There's a place where you click counselors in your area and you put in your ZIP Code and they will send you a list of the counters in your area and their contact information and you can call those individually and find someone that would be really that this is their specialty is that this is one of their specialties is premarital counseling is not that difficult to find someone to me just encourage you and what you're pursuing.

You could also ask a couple old that you know who you know are little further down the road and they live in your area.

Hey, weren't you guys go for premarital counseling if they did, you know, and you can get a referral. That's personal as well or as you said, the ACC American Association of Christian counselors. That's a great resource as well. Gary, before we conclude today. I will give your number again because we dealt with a lot here on Christmas day and you listen to the podcast. You may say I've got a call and asked Dr. Chapman a question here's the number 186-6424 Gary 186-6424 Gary for a question maybe a comment about your relationships in the new year we love to hear from you. Don't get check out our featured resource at the website life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey written by our very own Dr. Gary Chapman just got a five love languages.com and next week Robert and Nancy say you can trust God to write your story. Don't miss a conversation with Robert Mott and Nancy Demoss wanted to start the new year. Thank you to our actions work so hard all year long waken Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is