Dear Gary - October

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Equal housing lender not licensed in Alaska, Hawaii, Georgia, Massachusetts, North Dakota, South Dakota and Utah people are on "The 5 Love Languages" in the five lands language and the need to feel love of the significant people in your life as my wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite on the love language scale quizzes, with the Gary Chapman we love languages time to open the phone line questions about the love languages your marriage singles issues and more today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman very hard right now. One of my daughters personality about that. Welcome Gary Chapman. There are times that Sally "The 5 Love Languages" dear Gary broadcast questions from our list. We have a huge backlog of questions weeks to get to those we do that each weekly of resource today. It's things I wish I know for my child became a teenager by Dr. Chapman. Find out more about five love languages.com. Tell me about this project is my reflection alone life. You know, I wrote the book originally. Things I wish I had known before we got married. Things always said no before we became parents. This is a natural outgrowth of that because looking back on it. There's a whole lot of things. I know now about teenagers and what they're going through.

Mentally, physically and spiritually that I didn't know. Had I known it I think it would make things much easier for me so I'm just trying to help parents who are anticipating the teenage years, nearly heard people say wait till you get to be a teenager. Well, there's something that you know so this book are things going to give really practical help to those who are whose children are moving into those teenage years and come up with a couple of weeks we spent the whole hour talking about that, but I wanted to let you know get a five love languages.com you can find out more. If you have a child who's 10, 11, 12 years old and you're anticipating or you're right in the middle of the teenage years I think will be helpful to you. Things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. Go to five love languages.com right for a dear Gary, all right for a dear Gary here at the month of right for our dear Gary here at the end of October. I want to start with an email. This is along this came into Moody radio but I want to hear your response to this, Gary. The email says I'm 45, and a full-time single mother of two. I received no child support among state rental and food assistance work part time.

I've been single and dating for six years I attended Christian church.

I've been online dating and every Christian guy I meet is fine with premarital sex. My financial situation is complicated, which makes getting legally married, complicated. I can't get any state assistance. Once I married and had a number of men.

Talk about getting married non-legally. I really hope and pray for a normal life. Mom, dad, kids, nice home, regular legal marriage, but it's looking impossible.

I made some mistakes and dating and had sex with some men who have convinced me that it's fine to do that before marriage in a committed relationship and then I break up with them because I want to live in sin. What I wonder is if it's impossible for me to get legally married and does that mean I'll never have sex again. I pray for a husband. I wonder if I need to consider a nonlegal marriage because of financial reasons. My kids dad and I had a nonlegal marriage, and I had to leave him because he was violent and unstable and unsafe, but I was hoping not to have that kind of marriage again but I feel like this teaching I received from every Christian pastor that I've talked to about not having premarital sex is keeping me alone.

She's allowed to talk a little bit more about that.

She says I've prayed with multiple pastors about this and they say I don't need a husband and God is my provider that may be true, but I still feel like I wasn't created to be alone and I want to supportive man in my life and a healthy marriage, relying on the state financially is in a good feeling, or how I wanted my life to be Gary what you say about all that well.

I think Chris there are number of our listeners that likely identify with what she's saying if they are single adults because this is a huge issue in our culture today. Tragically, many Christians have the same attitude toward premarital sex that non-Christians have dinner is just a part of the dating relationship are quote a committed relationship and it's all based upon our own natural desires.

You know, to have intimacy in a relationship without the commitment of marriage because marriage is a covenant it's a commitment to each other in so many, many times those who have premarital sex do break up before they ever get married and those who get married.

The divorce rate is higher for those who had premarital sex than those who did not. So I think we have to come back to the basic issue. Are we going to take seriously the teachings of the Bible or are we going to go along with modern culture and modern ideas about this part of life and that that's an issue we have to settle going to be followers of Jesus are followers of man that I am empathetic with a longing for a deep intimate relationship and she says she longs to have a marriage for her kids and all the financial part understand that because single she's having a hard time.

She's basically living you know government support God's original plan was that the husband would be basically the financial provider. Now I know that's not true a lot of cases. And I'm not to make an issue that all but I would say in her case that she's got two children. I don't know what pages they are but that she's got her hands full right there and I would say look for a man whose godly who's walking with God who wants to have a committed biblical marriage who is willing to work a full-time job and support you and the kids listen, you can live on one income you can do it, we we can all lower our standard if we have to achieve living on a lower standard already financially so I would just say don't mark off the clear teachings of the Bible in order to satisfy the loneliness that you feel in your heart and your desire to have this kind of relationship. There are Christian men out there who are single who are committed to following the biblical model and I would just say walk that road with the one of those men, but not those who say well if you love me or we we are committed to each other. So let's have sex you don't end up in a much better place than where you've ended up thus far and that comes back to the question of, you know you you really need to trust God you know and enter her. That sounds like spiritually, patting her on the head, but there is that you know there is that a idea and that from deep down inside I I see it in her email.

I want to trust God. I'm just having a hard time for you, help my unbelief in a minute you hear what she said about herself and where she is in the relationship, she said, and you can see the loneliness, the deep desire to walk with God and have the ideal marriage so she has the D has the right longing. Note this just a matter taken the right road to get there. Yes, right.

Let me follow up then with another caller who left a message and said don't play my voice on the radio.

I want to be anonymous but let me read this is this is a lot shorter Gary.

I'm in my 40s. I've never had a date.

I've never had a boyfriend in the world makes me feel like a loser. I feel like a loser at times.

How do I stand strong and remember that God will provide at the right time will again I think many single adults who are Christians in seeking to follow God can identify with what she say in the end, the reality is there is within all of us, at least most of us there is that desire to have a deeply committed marriage relationship, but let's face it, there are people who they don't get asked out on a date. And here she is 40 years old, she's never had a date should then have a meaningful relationship with someone of the opposite sex in which is what she longs for nothing for us. Remember they have been significant people in the world who made a tremendous impact on the world and they were single foremost, Jesus, I know we say here, but I'm not Jesus or did I get that I get that. But listen, the apostle Paul was single and Lisa great deal of his life that whether he was ever married and you know his wife that we don't know about that, but he was single. The bulk of his life and and he made a tremendous impact still impacting us by following God and allowing God to use his life.

So I would say this focus on serving God by serving people that I don't know what your profession may be at this juncture, but hopefully it is a profession where you realize that you're helping people and most professions are it's there if you look for where helping people and so serve remember your serving God when you serve other people. Jesus said, as often as you do it to the least of these, you do it to me so I would say focus your life on serving others and if God wants you to have a spouse. God can bring that person and will bring that person across your path.

At whatever age my son didn't get married. He was 34 and people say when you go get married. He said well when you grow up in the home of a marriage counselor very careful to get married, and God did a wonderful life and also if God wants you to be married. You can count on him. He will bring the two of you together.

It's not a big deal with God he can do it the right time. Our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for October.

If you have a relationship question you'd like to ask collarless near line at 186-6424 Gary keep your question as brief as possible and will try to address it here on the program that's 1-866-424-4279 featured resource.

Today is Gary's new book things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. Find out more about it at our website. Five love languages.com that's five love languages.com Gary, here's a question from a wife who's in a marriage struggle. This came in several weeks ago, but I want you to address the struggle as it came in as she described it here we go here. Mary: don't take it out of the canal court, like all family and reach my breaking point where I had enough effort to take its toll on me. Sherry took its toll on the counter and decided, Craig found the children learn panic on the house coming will be truly blessed and communicating through via email. We attended the same church and they can't, God and our pastor.

I started my walk with the Lord in 2015 after Christians only. Thanks, Craig actually coming back when you cascaded okay after I feel in my heart of hearts that God has finished teaching (I been in place before Carrie my history is repeating itself back and it was blameless that there is now back okay to be patient for the Lord, and wait for him to answer bank is a place I can learn it's okay for me to take that time to allow God to finish his perfect work and leave. It shall never located. Take time away on my own glory and I haven't felt this much peace and truly having about during Penryn. I just 29th okay for me to click, turning to God and find out which direction you want now are manual guided the kind of frustration for our marriage and our family okay for me to take the time from my husband who's trying to do better the past two weeks. Is it okay for me to say in time to hear from God is okay for me to permit Sherry, I wanted to ask for much. Chris you have to Dennis with what she's saying. When a person is verbally abused over and over and over again is the daily experience. There is a breaking point emotionally and physically for that matter and separating from that situation can be an act of love and obviously depends on our attitude, but love would say to that person who is abusing you I love you too much to sit here and do nothing and let you destroy me and just hurt our kids and really hurt yourself because I know you can't be happy with what you're doing and so I'm going to move out to you know now I want you to know, not abandoning you. This is the attitude of love. I'm not abandoning you. If you are willing to get help, going for Christian counselor. Let them help you break this habit of just constantly abusing me verbally that I'm willing to go for marriage counseling and we can see what God can do what I love you too much to do nothing because I know you cannot feel good about yourself. So that's kind of the attitude of love. When you move into a separation. So she whether she had that attitude or whether she was simply trying to just exist and I understand that to what she said suggested that the hand is really the right path, I think, and that is shall I pray that God will guide me in terms of whether this can be reconciled or whether this is going to be a permanent separation. I think God's plan always in marriage is that there be reconciliation but to be reconciled. There has to be change and so this is what you're trying to do with the separation is to say if you really want to have our marriage are willing to deal with the problem, then we can talk about our marriage and get help get started again on the right track so hot to me that's that's a healthy thing and she says she felt freer.

The last two weeks. That's always true when you get out of an abusive situation. It seems much more peaceful and that's why sometimes people are not even willing to think about reconciliation because I can imagine it could be any different.

But God can change people, and God can change destructive patterns so I would say yes and and I would really encourage you not to get involved with dating someone else to give God a year or two, and just see what happens if your husband really seriously really digs and he gets to discover himself and why he does what he does and how that can be broken and then the two of you get some marriage counseling and learn how to have a loving, caring marriage, you will be graduated. That's my suggestion. There is also though the past that she's dealing with and she said that this is happened before and I've made this mistake before. So there's almost a little bit of guilt that it sounds like that she's experiencing that all I did this again. It's my fault you know and and when you're abused you can kind of feel like that you could feel like bold you know it it's my fault for putting myself in the situation. How do you counsel somebody feels that way. Well, I think we have to recognize that we are all our emotions are influenced by our past behavior, and yes, when you've gone through a marriage were apparently she was physically abuse owners are not physically, verbally abuse and she said it was even much worse in that first marriage. You can see how when it happens again you think how could I be so foolish as to get into the situation will listen all of us that none of us are perfect. We don't always know when we get into a relationship is going to be like this. I'm sure you didn't know that you wouldn't.

So I think we just have to recognize you and I guess this is what I'm feeling but I'm not going to put myself down. I'm not going to get out for like it is my fault and be willing to just kneel and go back into it into a relationship that is abusive, so I think God can help you because you got the right track when you say you're going to see God you going to see God. You see God you come out the right place.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and her dear Gary for October.

If you'd like to respond to what you've just heard today or ask a question from your own life your own relationships, 186-6424 Gary is her number 186-6424 Gary got a five love languages.com you can see our featured resource things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. Five love languages.com I Gary here's a question about creating a crisis in the marriage and the possible ramifications of that down the road. Now I think might be the term, telling your spouse that you love them too much to leading the way you are and therefore you are planning to separate and hoping that would bring the other person to the appointment they'd be willing to talk about the issues go to counseling, whatever it might mean.

However, not to my attention that in that situation at the house they find help for herself down the down the road with a situation where children involved her older children to that need to come under a custodial situation where one or both spouses have children separation could be held against the spouse separate simply because it could be classified very strong damage to the spouse who remains in the home with children so I going if you could address that situation. Is it good to take that chance, so to speak, to separate or is it better to try to stay thinking that would help start getting at least partial custody of children should be relationship moving through a divorce situation down about think you just the legal aspects. First, different states have different rules in terms of custody, but the more common thing is that it's going to be joint custody like 50-50 that not always exactly the same amount of days, but both of you have custody of the children even a no-fault divorce situation even when there's a fault it's the same thing but you have to check with your state to find out about that possibility I may go back to the issue of separating as an act of love to me this is the key issue is not just separating separating as an act of love, which is what she described here and in the end the call. That kind of separation is always more effective in influencing the other person when it has been preceded by several months in which you have love them unconditionally speaking their love language on a regular basis even though they weren't responding were treating you very very lovely when you do that, of course you're following the model of God because God loved us while we were yet sinners.

The Bible says and sent Christ to die for us. So with God's help, you can love and unlovely spouse speak their love language on a regular basis for several months then if there's no change that you take the step of separating as a loving act and they're far more likely to wake up because of the way you have been treating them they realize they've got something to lose here. They're about to lose this person. There's been loving them unconditionally, and therefore more likely to wake up and get the help they need. If, however, before you take that separation step.

You have just criticize them, put them down told him how awful they are complained to them and this is going on for six months or maybe a year. Whatever then you leave and they say to themselves. Good riddance. I'm tired of this anyway and you're not influencing them in a positive way. It's an influence in a negative way.

So, you alone know what it's been like before you came to make the decision to separate, but that's the idea.

What I just described is the ideal and the separation is going to have much greater opportunity of influencing them to take a positive step. If it has been preceded by that unconditional love is that term creating a crisis a good one that describes it pretty well doesn't the I don't know that I've ever heard the call that but yeah I does it because you are creating a crisis and it again if if all the things I've talked about her done. It can be a positive thing. God can use it in a positive way now to Texas we go for another question.

I don't think I've ever heard in the history of Building Relationships. Here we go.

Gary five widow angle well your Chris heard that it's a suggestion, really. She's making love language groups for widows. She says that widows are not single persons, and I understand that a widow is different from person who's never been married, understand it fully.

It does seem to me that you like to go back and look the quiz again, but it does seem to me that the quiz itself would help either of those, whether single never been married or whether single again because of the death of a spouse you're still single. So look at that and send see, but I my mind. They would the quiz would help either of those identify their primary love language. Now obviously it's different from a married couple, because whether your winter weather never married you don't have that other person. This deeply committed to you and this is where however friends and family become extremely important and that they know your love language so that when they want to help and friends and family. Do they want to help. They know how best to do it when they want to express to you. We really love you. We really care about you, they need to know what's the best way to do that and knowing your love language will help them do that.

It gives them good information on demanding that they do it. You just think if if you ever want to know. Here's my love language and it also is ice is a winner. Think in terms of the people in your significant people in your life and learn their love language because you want to give love as well as receive love.

That's the ideal where we are loving others and others are loving us. When that happens you a good place with your mariner with your single because one of the deepest needs only human level is that need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Find out more online@ 5lovelanguages.com we have some great resources for you a list of seminar locations coming up for Dr. Chapman. You can hear podcast of the program and find out about our featured resource all@ 5lovelanguages.com. It's Dr. Chapman's new book, things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager just got a five love languages.com and do tell a friend about the program that they can ask a question if they want to list your line for your calls is 186-6424 Gary, this is not a counseling line. We can't call you back. But if you want to leave that question for us for Gary Chapman. We love to hear from you today 186-6424 Gary turned the radio off in the background when you call us and make sure there's not noise in the background or if you're driving pull over and stop. Sometimes we can't use a question because the background noise 186-6424 Gary does the Bible say anything about dating someone is not on the same page with you about God is our next caller that never learned. I hear about like God recently told me that he calling to inquire about what does the Bible say about Christian dating or potentially marrying someone that is in a thinking Chris heard the question before but it's a good question. The Bible raises question itself.

In the Old Testament.

It says can two walk together if they're not agreed to. Thoughtful question is the same question she's asking. And the answer is no, not very far. Not very long number will see especially our belief about God everything in our life is impacted by what we believe about God. And if you are Christian, which it sounds like she is and you're seeking to walk with God you believe that God revealed himself through Christ supremely that he paid the penalty for our sin that God wants to forgive us and make us his children will put our faith in Christ and then got also revealed himself in the old and new Testaments, which show us how to live life. If that's the kind of person you are and he doesn't believe in God.

How can you have an intimate deep relationship because everything in his life is influenced by his disbelief in God. So when you choose to disbelieve God your left to whatever you happen to think is good or right in the world. Now imagine if everybody live like that. Is everybody whatever they want to do because is no God reduce animals and so don't make any difference really what you do that, if you follow if you follow atheism to the nth degree. That's where you are because there is no standard there is no right or wrong, except those that we decide right and wrong and everybody disagrees on that. So I think you get the gist of what I'm saying the Bible is very clear that a Christian who is walking with God should not marry someone who doesn't even believe in God. So I think this is a warning sign it's assigned to say you know I like you, I've enjoyed our time together, but I realize that when we don't agree on the most important thing in life that there's no hope for us to have a marriage so that so that's where I am. I just have to tell you, and will have to walk away now, who knows something God may work in his heart. They may be touched by the spirit may be drawn to Christ. God has redeemed many atheist so keep open to that, and certainly pray for, but I think you have to think you have to take a step at this juncture to to cut back off from that relationship. There are people who listing right now who have a spouse who is an unbeliever, but when they married, they they thought they were or that that spouse, that person is become a believer themselves and they are unequally yoked.

Now you're not saying for people to jettison that that spouse and go find a Bible believing Christian right absolutely furious and thanks for clarifying that because the Bible says marriage is a covenant when you make a covenant, you stay with the government. Obviously there times you have to withdraw office physical abuse of her extensive verbal abuse and that sort of thing. But just because your spouse is now revealed that there not a Christian and they said there were that's not grounds for divorce because God can use you in fact that's what the Bible says if you have an unbelieving spouse. You by your godly behavior.

God uses you to touch their hearts and draw them to himself. So that's that's that's your role with your mariner already to the person. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, thank you for tuning it today.

If you go to five love languages.com you see our featured resource about the Dr. Chapman recently released called things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager, but have an extended conversation about that in a couple weeks, but if you want more information go to five love languages.com here's a question from a mom about her daughter.

I can't wait to hear how Gary's going to answer this listener. Gary, I and my one of my daughters personality October Chicago problem agreed to talk to you.

You don't agree with her, she gets angry she is 32 and she's been doing it a long time while we try to make now she can pruning the family dynamics is all of her bad behavior and she coloring our lives.

She was married after a year ago no longer married and we were all Christian family really support divorce, she wanted it but anyway you could give any anyway on to her once terrible to talk to. She won't talk is cheap, she prayed that that, she angry if you called her out on anything and she canceled the plan for doing our faith and following won't talk to anything we can do to build a relationship with her. Thanks for all your help. Have to be apathetic with a parent like this because, listen all of us raise our children. We want to have good relationships with them as adults, and that when it doesn't happen in the relationship is fractured like this mother describes very very painful and those parents are asking the same question she's asking, what can we do what can we do is remind you one thing in the New Testament the story of the prodigal son who asked his father to give them his inheritance and he left the farm and he went out and wasted all of his money and made all kind of poor decisions and ended up with that destitute actually ended up in a hog pin feeding hogs. The father did not go after him. Don't know if you've ever thought of that. The father did not go after him. So I gotta go find the sun bring them back.

He let God in and normal consequences of wrongdoing bring his son to the end of the rope of the end of the road and the sun woke up and said to himself. Here I am with nothing eating with the hogs and back in my home.

There people that love me and he went back to the father welcomed him when he came back with the father did not go out trying to convince him to come back and I think in the situation you describe. Think this has relevance because you'd you've reached out. You tried to knock on the door you send her messages. You call her on the phone and every time pitches. She just ignores that and closes the door. So I would say investor time and energy and the rest of your family pray diligently for her that God will work in her heart and that God will bring people into her life that might lead her encourager in the right direction, but when she does reach out to you. Be open, be loving, welcome her. What every move she makes in your direction. Tell her how glad you are she stop by for the weekend and she stop by for the day.

Be positive.

Don't be condemning of her that she's an adult and where free all of us are free to make decisions and yes she's made poor decisions and she would like to make some more poor decisions. But if and when she comes back home and says can you help me be there for her.

Let her know you love her that she loved her through this whole time. And yes, you will love her and you will help her right now where she is set in the meantime, put her in God's hands.

It's like you're going to release her to God and say Lord I'm asking you to work in your heart you know that I've done everything I know to do. I'm going to put in your hands and pray that you work in her heart in her mind and you can emotionally release the hurt and the pain and then just know she's there and you're praying for and you're willing to forgive and you're willing to reconcile in your asking God to work in her heart, make that possible. That's really interesting is you are talking Gary I was thinking of that word.

You release your just releasing her into God's hands and that that's another to take the anxiety and the worry all of that away from a mom or a dad is caring about a son or a daughter, but it does say I'm not trusting in my ability to get her to see him trusting in God's power to work in her life right, absolutely because they've already done everything they know to do what he reached out in every way they can. She's not responding and we can't make a person, even our children. We can't make them respond to us and treat us with dignity and respect, and so forth.

They are where they are and they can decide to walk away from us.

And so when we release them to God. We put them in good hands because God loves them. But God also will often use the consequences of their poor decisions to bring them to a place of brokenness where they do reach out to God and ultimately reach out to to the family.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's latest book things I wish I'd known before. My child became a teenager. You can find out more at 5lovelanguages.com that's five love languages.com. We talk a lot about marriage struggles here on the program I want you to hear this husband's voice and the struggle he's going through right now I Gary I'm in very hard situation right now my marriage is about me, Donna, Don, I read your book and I understand but how can I reach a person who does anyone to listen to me to not hear me centering right now.

I'm glad I really want to reach for her and I'm been praying hourly and I'm trying to get some idea.

Maybe you can find. Thanks so obviously he is speaking out of a broken heart and a broken relationship and if you care, which he obviously does then you want to know what can I do it.

I wrote a book some years ago. The original title was hope for the separated wounded marriages can be healed. The new title to that book is one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart.

I think you'd find that book helpful. I can cover everything that's in that book here in these few minutes, but I would say this sitdown with God and just ask God, Lord, you know, my wife, you know where she is and you know all that. She's what I want to ask is where where have I failed in this marriage and this let God bring things to your mind and write them down just like a list of so that you can confess those things to God because, listen, none of us are perfect. Even if your wife is 95% of the problem that would that would leave 5% for you so let God bring to your mind the 5% that is your failures and you confess those to God and you accept his forgiveness. Then you go to your spouse as you have an opportunity and say I've been thinking a lot about us and I know that I've been on your case. I know that I have put you down. I know that said, you're the problem in all whatever YOU said to her, but I ask God to show me where I have been failing in our marriage, and he gave me a pretty good list and I've asked God to forgive me and I would like to ask you if you can find in your heart to forgive me for the way I have failed you.

Now, chances are she'll listen to you to let you. She'll let you read the list. She may or may not forgive you, but she's going to walk away from that experience. Thinking to herself well this is different.

He's been preaching to me before, but what I need to do what I need to do what I need to do, but now he's confessing his failures.

God can use that first step on your part. You say Jesus said you get the problem out of your eye before you try to get something out the other person's okay.

It's always start with yourself. Rather than starting with the other person and this is a practical way of doing that. And God can use that whether she forgives, you're not. He can use what you what I just described to touch your heart and to say maybe I should take a step back toward him. The worst thing you can do is preach to her and tell her you know you should come back in.

We can work this out.

You need to give us another chance and in order preach to about the Bible says marriages for a lifetime.

This not the time to preach and when she has has become so unpleasing and frustrated in the marriage that she chooses to leave not the time to preach is the time to begin. First of all acknowledge your failures and then ask God to work in her heart to open the door to another chance and if any juncture she is willing to go from marriage counseling with you.

You go with her and begin the process of restoring the marriage site Gary Chapman and we have time for one more question and your answer. Just then leads perfectly into this final question today Gary it's up a positive note, listen to the heart of this caller who is listening to our program a while ago your program. I heard my dad never explained like you explaining tonight about Mikey centric date shall, thank you for your program. I really really appreciated information. Thank you again by citrus increase always interesting to see how God takes a thought a word, and not touch as a person where they are and that helps them take a step that's going to be helpful for them into the whole thing your forgiveness in the Bible is big, Jesus came preaching repentance and forgiveness.

He wants to forgive us if we're willing to repent, and if another person is willing to acknowledge their failure. We need to be ready to forgive them. So forget forgiveness is not a feeling.

Forgiveness is a decision I'm going to remove the barrier that's been created by this offense.

I'm going to pardon you I'm not going to make you pay for this for 18 more years and that when we are willing to do what Jesus does for us which is pardon us and remove the barrier between us we follow his model. We reap the benefit of that forgiveness can be a step toward reconciliation, forgiveness doesn't restore trust trust has to be regained by the person being trustworthy in the future, but it opens the door to the possibility that trust can be reborn and are in a relationship. So the up apology and forgiveness.

I believe that those two things are essentials to having long-term healthy marriages or any other relationship for that matter and the reason I say is an essential, if none of us are perfect you know if we were perfect we wouldn't have to apologize and we would never forgive anyone know none of us are perfect. You don't have to be perfect to have a long-term healthy marriage but you do have to deal with your failures and that means learning how to apologize and then choosing to forgive those who apologize to us.

I love the way that she put you I just gritted my teeth about my dad. You know and and perhaps her father died long time ago and she's it just felt like that. I just have to grit my teeth. But there is what you mentioned little earlier that releasing and and when you do that and when you give it to God than you can rest in him, rather than your own ability to forgive somebody who maybe is passed away, absolutely.

That's why I say it's a choice. It's a choice to release them and release the hurt to God and say Lord I will put all that in your hands because God is a just God. He knows the other person far better than we do. He knows what their motives were, what their motives were not in and you put them in God's hands.

You put them in good hands. If they repent God to forgive them if they don't repent. He will hold them responsible at the judgment, the Bible says after death. There's a judgment and so we don't have to be the judge. We let God we hope something you've heard today is been encouraging to you in your relationships. Go to the website. Five love languages.com you see her featured resource the new book but I could Chapman things I wish I'd known before.

My child became a teenager can find out more.

Five love languages.com and would love to hear your feedback or maybe a question that you have Chapman numbers 186-6424 Gary leave your message might hear and answer your Gary broadcast again 186642427 and next week couple of callers asked this question, how should a Christian. I guess next week is not as complicated as you can tell that the conversation with Eric diameter in one week. Thank you to our action team Janice time building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman production radio in Chicago in association with Moody publishers ministry at Moody violent