Dear Gary

People are Thing on "The 5 Love Languages" Gary Chapman successful five lens language and the needs of your love will the significant people in your life emotionally. My wife and I read it together and we quickly realize like we are the exact opposite on the love language, scaled quizzes, with the Gary Chapman to me love I would just like Dr. Gary Chapman, I know how it I have about dating. What I wanted to call over there is our final gram of 2019.

Last chance talk with Dr. Gary Chapman removing that's right it's time for Gary while Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman of the New York Times bestseller the club today on the cost of 2020 goals new questions but the same rocksolid host is one of the only world traveler, and love language of fish where you're coming from the program you really enjoy doing programs appreciate our listeners who call him periodically and ask questions so I'm looking forward to what's going to happen today.

It seems just like last year, though yesterday we were doing this year in program and here we are saying 20/20 instead of 2019 go so fast. Well time does fly. Chrissy and I think the older we get, you've heard this one. The older we get, the faster it goes to sleep that way to use this to hear that insight. No, it's the same thing about you know when it when we had our two children were little, you know, they grow up so fast is like yeah you know was no they grow up the way they go but I look back and is like boom it was in Scotland I believe it. So here we are staring at 2020 in the face and making resolutions.

We've talked about that on the on the program before but today I want to mention our featured resources 52 on common family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories. I think this is one of those resources that can really help a family not just say well will make a memory. Somehow really choose to do that choose to make some kind of adventurous thing.

Anything Chris I'm into adventures as a family, and in fact I wrote the introduction to this book.

Randy southern wrote the book, but has a lot of great ideas in there and some of them reminded me of things we used to do with our family when they were little and what I like about this book is its ideas for different age children in one of my remember was building a tent in one of the rooms of the house and letting the kids spend the night in the tent and I remember doing that when art when our kids were little about those kind of things and as they get older. Then there other adventures that we do with our kids. This is one of the things I really really enjoyed about parenting was doing things with our children that were different from time to time going into the woods and building a tent in the woods only did that once, but it wasn't a venture. So I think this book is going to help a lot of families who want to keep adventure but maybe running a little dry own ideas on how to do it and the book gives you not only the idea but also talks about how you can plan to do it because parents have to be the ones that make the plans to have the adventures and the things well maybe just us saying that will start to spark something in your mind as a mom or dad and thinking, or even a grandparent to how can I make a memory. How can we do something that we plan and you know what happens when you plant something something unplanned happens. Five love languages.com we have that link right there. 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories again.

Five love languages.com right time for your questions and we begin with a single listener, who's a little cautious about a relationship. Gary, I and my relationship and expected to last without really Solid solid work behind your child actually follow through and be there for each other and relationship back in late to mom and to be in relationship I want him to lead a godly marriage.is what God wants for people when your Internet I've appointed For. Here's because I know how it try another person think I could take it. I don't think it's fair my talent in my mind, loud for somebody Discarded like tomorrow to change.

I think I can do something more and more younger adults younger single notes who are expressing similar feelings and thoughts.

Is this caller that perhaps placing their parents go through divorce and sometimes even more than once and icing their friends getting the relationships and and and get involved sexually before marriage and then there dumped by their partner down the road and they just they don't want to do that and I can understand that at the same time we are made for each other you know really is and that doesn't mean that every single person should get married but it does mean that is God's basic plan for for humanity. So I think with our fears, we come to God and ask him, Lord, you know who I am. You know you made me to be and you know whether a long-term relationship and marriage is what you have in mind for me. Please keep me from relationships that would be detrimental. That would pull me away from your plans for my life, but please bring into my life that person who would complement me and I could complement them and we could do more together than I can do alone. It's it's a tricky world and and there's so much deceit and she mentioned tossing relationships away. I can understand the feeling.

But I do think that if we reach out to God, he will lead us to relationships that can be healthy, and the other factor is that once we are in a relationship. We want to keep our boundaries and we want to communicate them to the other person so that we don't allow ourselves to get into a deep physical relationship with someone outside of marriage. I mean, the biblical pattern is clear and we hurt ourselves and others when we violate the biblical pattern. Here's our second call and hearing our first segment. Another single who has a really good question for Gary Chapman hi Gary, I have a question about dating and getting appropriate advice about dating because all of the advice out there seems to be about dating without regard to the sanctity of marriage and that not the way that I want to go about things I'd like to know your work and someone who wants to get good dating advice, but also wants to do that within the bounds of what God designed go to get that perspective. I really appreciate the spirit of the caller wanting to do what is proper and right and good and healthy in dating relationships. We all know that dating is not practiced in all cultures. There are cultures where parents choose the person that you're going to marry.

It's been interesting that many of those marriages work out well, but in our culture, dating is a part of the process and I see the purpose of dating as getting to know the other person to the degree that you can make a wise decision about whether this relationship should move to marriage or not moved to marriage and the most productive way to do that is to have boundaries biblical boundaries in terms of what we do and don't do and in the dating relationship and as we mentioned earlier even our first call. The Bible is very clear that a sexual relationship outside of marriage is not God's plan for us if we make that commitment in our own line and then early on in the relationship we share that commitment with the person were dating then if I want out fine. Let them out. It's it's obviously not going lead to marriage but you will find people who will agree with you on that. Then you share life by doing things together talking about your histories talking about your visions for the future.

Talking about your the nature of your relationship with God.

It's in that dating context that we get to know each other and we can make a wise decision about whether this dating relationship leads to marriage or whether we come to the place we both agree, you know, I think we best go our own ways. This is been good for us. I think we both learn something from each other, but it's not going to go to marriage and I think it's probably best for us to go our own way so and most people do date more than one person before they get married. What is unfortunate in our culture is that many times they date several people in the focus of all those dates is the sexual part of the relationship which to me is tragic and does not prepare the person for marriage. We all know that people who are sexually active before marriage are far more likely to be sexually active outside the marriage when they do get married.

So if God says don't do it best not do it.

If God says do it you do you follow what God laid down because all of his commands are given out of his love for us and will be great resources out there Gary. We talked with Lisa Anderson and Focus on the Family of the boundless podcast and the materials that they have online boundless.org that's a great resource for people to plug into. Absolutely that's a good resource.

Chris, thanks for sharing featured resources 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories great resource for the new year for the whole family. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com go there be a new love language. See what Gary thinks here's our next caller near Dr. language here you have overlooked one language and to acknowledge all how I got other direct language is very difficult. Direct language wondering, have you considered. Thank you very much appreciate this call, and I fully agree that to apologize and to forgive our loving acts and the matter-of-fact often speak on the topic. The two essentials for long-term healthy marriage, relationships, or any relationship for that matter. The first essential is that the individuals in that relationship feel loved and appreciated, and that's where the five leveling discomfited the second essential is that we deal effectively with our failures and that's where apology and forgiveness comes in. I don't see them as another love language, though certainly takes a loving attitude to apologize and a loving attitude to forgive but I do see them as essentials to having long-term, healthy relationships and the reason I say that apology and forgiveness is an essential is because none of us are perfect and because were not perfect were imperfect and when we hurt the other person we put an emotional barrier between us and the barrier does not go away with the passing of time. It goes away when were willing to apologize for our failure in the other person is willing to forgive us and then the barriers removed and now the relationship can continue. So that's the way I see these two important things of apologizing and forgiving and you have thought a lot about that. Dr. Jennifer Thomas have written about that as well. And that's another great resources.

Yes the book is called when sorry isn't enough. We talk about how to apologize effectively and then what forgiveness does and does not do in the relationship. Great resource and you can find more about that@ 5lovelanguages.com.

This is our dear Gary broadcast for the end of 2019.

Can you believe 20/20 is right around the corner and we had some difficult questions this year.

Here is a caller who is in a really hard situation and has several struggles with her husband, Gary, how are you right now, got married, I doubt he was a drug.

He was very abusive verbally and email and I find out that even most, we got separated, another state and prayer to see if we can get back together for some time. I still love him unconditionally.

He regarded everything you put me through. I do love it. But at the same time I think I love myself more point where I'm no screen in my kids are okay. I do have a goal to sign up with you on what what I wanted to get a deposit on all over and lifted Fremont been married and gone. So he showed me that is not going anywhere. People coming up right avoid praying and five and see where it goes and he'll change but I'm at a point where I test you notice when I think it all over because I know it was my mistake. I know it's a lot but thanks again playing in the struggles of this caller in the Scriptures asked the question. Can two walk together if they're not agreed. The obvious answer is not very well and not very long. The reality is when we have different worldviews that alone can create a chasm that is so wide it's difficult to bridge when you add to that drug addiction and verbal abuse. It makes it extremely difficult to live together with any sense of harmony so you know I don't tell people what they should do in terms of divorce or not divorce and what the next step should be. You mention prayer, and imagine that you are a follower of Jesus prayer is always proper and it is a method that God uses to accomplish purposes of the Bible says we often have not because we asked not so it's great to be asking God to work in his heart to do a transforming work to bring him in contact with someone who is a follower of Jesus who can help him see the light and give his life to Christ because when you talk about addiction.

A person doesn't break addiction in their own power. I believe that God alone can deliver people when they're fully addicted to drugs. This is why think Alcoholics Anonymous has been so helpful that through the years they've always pointed what I call a higher power will not call God or Jesus certainly to invest some time and praying for him is is time well invested in giving yourself time to heal from what you've gone through so what I would say is please don't get involved with someone else, even in a dating relationship. Give yourself at least a year to work through the trauma and the pain and hurt of what you've combed through and let God be your partner during this year in raising your children and and then trust God to guide you through the pain and the hurt I wouldn't rush to divorce when you're already separated you're already living as divorce.

I wouldn't rush to that, but I certainly would encourage you not to get involved in another dating relationship until you've had time to heal from what you've combed through and the word that I keep thinking is you talking Gary is that surrender again, you just don't like your talking with the single caller there is a certain sense of surrender that she is God what every guy wants to do a miracle this guy's life.

She's she's down for the struggle you know she's ready for that that's okay with her.

God I'm surrendered to you and if you live a surrendered life step-by-step than than good things happen as you go through that is not that all the hard things go away. Good things generally happen to you as you follow closely on that trail and I I'd kinda set you up your Gary because I chose that call and then this one that is to follow because they are very similar, though they contrast. You know what I mean when you hear our next call in this difficult situation and part of the situation is about religion. Terry but the boys about a month without trying to highlight a life I would like there have not been vaguely by IQ by myself a lot of time spinning very scary looking bike by I member meeting that change going hard because of being on the claimant think? Love, but I feel like drinking, reading your book. Giving hope and understanding of behavior.

What light do I hear a live and what I you on my part. Feedback positive change. I don't feel like love. Either way, it might have been blamed for the individual.

I was also thinking of writing information because I think that might be my Brad and from what I've noticed that a question I've asked myself.

Thank you for writing this book giving me hope very much I don't know if the caller has read two other books that I wrote, particularly for people in the situation. One is call one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart. The other is loving your spouse when you feel like walking away.

Both of those offer what I believe to be a lot of practical help on how to do what she mentioned and that is have a positive influence on your spouse everybody agrees. We cannot change the other person but we often fail to recognize the power of influence in the reality is with every relationship and with every contact that this couple has with each other.

Even though he's deployed now the contacts are minimal. Every contact with her to let her an email or phone call will either have a positive influence on him, or negative influence on him.

So I think she's right in thinking that the she wants to speak his love language what she's assuming is words of affirmation, so giving him words of affirmation, if that's his love language certainly is a way of having a positive influence on him.

It doesn't mean that you agree with him on everything. It doesn't mean that he will automatically be drawn back to you but love has a powerful influence on the person. So I think you're walking down the right road when you're thinking along those lines, I would suggest that if you haven't read the military addition of "The 5 Love Languages" you might want to read that.

Maybe you have because it talks about how to speak these love languages when you are deployed and gives you practical ideas on how to do that.

She doesn't mention what his religion might be right have no idea whether he's Muslim as she is or whether he's Christian, which of course would make a difference with the situation she is in think we have to remind ourselves that one person cannot create a marriage or cannot keep the spouse in the relationship.

We are free individuals to make decisions even if those decisions are poor decisions. So I think she wants to do all that she can but at the same time, she must recognize that only if he responds and is willing to work on the marriage will there be reconciliation. I'm glad to hear that she is getting therapy. I think that's very positive because you ought to use this time while he is away to grow yourself in itself. Understanding and learning the principles that make a marriage work, so that if he does decide to return and work on the marriage you will be at a different place and be far more likely to have a successful experience in reconciliation.

We are so honored that you called and you left that message for Dr. Chapman.

I have to say it sounds like there's there's more going on here. I don't know was clawing awning in your heart. It sounds like God is is moving in some ways, and again we just thank you for giving us a call here today resource for our last program of 2019 is 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong memories you could find out more at 5lovelanguages.com all right, this is our third call from a single DA in one program.

We love hearing from singles by the way, call us 186-6424 Gary this one is about a long distance relationship never married no children and I'm having trouble in my long-distance relationship with my boyfriend a pastor and we are having some trouble, but communication. It's been hard on me because I know my love language is words of affirmation secondary love language is quality time. My belief is quality time, but he hasn't really told me I looked into it again your book, but it's really hot. Where have never lived really tough time and I just really like to know any suggestions you may have. My long-distance relationship. Younger than me on 3026 that act as into it but just hearing from the way you've helped relationships and couples.

I'd really appreciate anything that you have to say to get back together. I just really hope he hasn't given up on our relationship as a negative in the words of affirmation project.

I really don't feel like my left think it's pretty empty. Right now, so anything that you could offer help. Again, I'm going to give me a book. Thank you so much for all you do Last heard her say that her relationship is with a pastor I'm thinking. Although pastors don't have problems with communication were communicators that were not always listeners. However, I'm very empathetic with this psychology seems like a very sincere young Christian lady who really wants to have a godly person with whom she has a relationship and ultimately marriage and certainly you would think that a pastor would be a good prospect for that so if you have those strong feelings toward him. It certainly worth the continuing to try to rebuild or continue the relationship do think it would be helpful if he will read the book "The 5 Love Languages" and take the profile and then share with you what his primary love language is because it may well be that he's not feeling love from you because he's not receiving love in a meaningful way for him, so that would be a very positive step if he's willing to do that now. You can't make anyone read the book you can't make them take the profile but you can give it to them and you can request that they do that so I think that is a positive thing. The other thing I would say is that whatever contact you have with them and I don't know what that is. It appears that you're living in different cities. I think you want to make the context positive. Whether it's by phone or whether it's by email or text you want to make your communication positive. Certainly you don't be critical of him. None of us to respond well to criticism. I like to think in terms of its find the make request of someone but don't make demands of them don't say if you don't do this, then, that I… It's here something that I would really like if you could find time or if you want to do it. This is something would be very very meaningful to me. You're making a request, not a demand and then also asking the question, what could I do that would enhance our relationship are what part of our relationship.

If you found difficult in asking those kind of honest questions which give him an opportunity to share with you what he is feeling because I don't know where he is in his own mind as to whether this relationship is going forward or not. But asking those kind of questions if he's open and honest will give you information that you need to make a wise decision. Last thing I would say is keep your eyes on Christ.

He's the one who will guide your life if you are surrendered to him on a daily basis and you're asking him to give you guidance in asking him to control the outcome of this relationship if it is of him. He has the ability to work it out. If it's not of him, then you don't want it, even if he is a pastor you will what God wants for your life. And if that is your attitude, God will e.g. to discover that you strikes me, Gary, with all the technology we have. The distance isn't as great as it used to be. As it used to be you know you pick up the phone call and that cost an arm or leg you'd write letters, but the distance has has shrunken it it's it's shrinks when you use the technology that we have so that can be a good thing to draw people together and then you don't have as much of the physical nature of the temptation, though, that can be in there as well but but that that can be a plus to a couple having long-distance relationship. I think so. Chris, no question about it, you know, and I was dating you know I couldn't afford a phone call coming phone calls are expensive no such thing as cell phones and none of the other technology so Wheatley was letters.

It was handwritten letters that was it and sometimes you can't communicate. You can't see their face.

You don't know what their facial expressions are use of letters don't always communicate the whole story. So yeah, it should be much easier. In today's world to have a positive long distance relationship.

Of course, obviously if it's going to lead to marriage. At some juncture, you need to be face-to-face with each other but you can't pick up and move from your city to another city until the relationship is moving in a positive direction. At least we love hearing from singles marrieds. We talk about if you ever listen to a dear Gary broadcast. We have parents asking questions about kids.

Kids asking questions about parents, so if you have a question you want us to answer in the new year… Gary Chapman to answer Collis 186-6424 Gary and I love you Gary when somebody picks up "The 5 Love Languages" concept and thinks hey I wonder if that's where next colors come from. I would. After listening to audible love language is not completed it yet. Five love languages. It appears you could apply it to work and now you can relate to communicate with your staff and team figure out what motivates them. Have you ever done a book I have not ripped out anything that the leader of a company could share with his team's leadership team to help them understand how to better understand their their team communicate better and how to motivate them be interesting because it sounds applicable but if you get my love languages booklet for couples. It's not quite apply in their thinking and be interesting application of love languages for the workforce. Thank you as soon answer the question is yes. I have written the book for the workplace with Dr. Paul light Christian psychologist 20 years experience in business. The book is entitled the five languages of appreciation in the workplace and we are literally taken. The leveling just to work were calling it appreciation because the relationship is different in a work setting that it is in a family setting, but it's the same emotional need. It's that need to be valued as a person and I'm not just a cog in the machine, person, and we discovered and what really motivated us to write this book is that 70% of the people who have a job in this country say they feel little to no appreciation come from the people with whom and for whom they work 64% of the people who leave a job and go to another job say they left, primarily because they didn't feel appreciated, where they were so this is a huge issue and yes any person in a work setting. It really doesn't have to start with the manager of the supervisor can start in just a small work group of four or five people to work together every day and read the book and with the book you get a code that gives you a free we call motivation by appreciation inventory you take that inventory.

It tells you your primary appreciation language at work. Your secondary and your least important. So it is a very helpful book and we've had tremendous response in the workplace. Dr. White has gotten into many large companies and small companies and just seen tremendous results when people feel appreciated, they are more dedicated to the mission of the organization. So thanks for calling and give me an opportunity to share the good news. It also explains things in the workplace and why one person responds this way to the Friday pizza or being able to where you can't go casual on Friday and other people.

He didn't do and make that big of a difference, but something else does it explain their opinion.

You can't play armchair psychologist tooted the person in the next cubicle, but it just explains why people are acting the way they are and in a lot of ways you're exactly right Christian. Most of the managers that we interviewed would say all I appreciate my people. I tell them all the time appreciate them in our responses. Well you're hitting probably 40% of your people, because probably 40% have words of appreciation as their language, you're missing the other 60% your sincere.

I believe you do appreciate them but 60% of them won't feel appreciated because you're not speaking there appreciation language. What happens when one spouse gives up on the marriage. What can the other spouse do is our next caller. Part of our operating data to undermine the pipe leveling pretty much as I quit trying. I resorted to set up what I said about on coming on iTunes but I returned, she doesn't really care to go to counseling knowingly give up so often. This is the case I wife will get to the point of desperation and relationship it could be a husband. Also, of course, and she expresses her desire to give up, and then the other person picks up and raise "The 5 Love Languages" probably been asked to read it five years ago and now they see what's happened that they feel in love spouse feels online because they've never spoken the language and so now they try and they start speaking the language, but the other person has already given up in their mind and consequently doesn't want to work on the marriage. Now there's another possibility, and that is that this wife is already involved with someone else, at least emotionally. Not always true that many times true when they say I'm not interested anymore. I don't care what you do a lot of work on the marriage often. They already have an emotional attachment to somebody else so I'm not saying that's true here, but that's certainly a possibility that makes it much more difficult for them to turn around because when they are obsessed with someone else emotionally. It is such a high emotion that it's difficult for them to go against that emotion can they yes they can, and I recommend that in all of my books of the book one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart deals with that very issue but the question are callers asking is what can I do that he's already trying to speak her love language is trying to use what is just discovered and he's asking what else can I do because she saying she's not at work on the marriage and she's asking to separate and divorce. Again, I think of the book I just mentioned would be helpful for this, a husband to read one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart because I talk about some practical things that you can do as I said what to an earlier caller on this program. You can't make her stay. You can't make her work on the marriage. You can't make her go to counseling what you can do is request and what you can do is to acknowledge your own failures, not only the failures of the past which certainly to be acknowledged but also failures in perhaps the way you respond to her on a daily basis if she hears you, condemning her or preaching to her saying things like I you know you're Christian you know this is not God's will.

You know the Bible is against this, that sort of thing describes her further and further away because your condemning her she doesn't need condemnation.

She already feels that she's not acceptable to you in the past so if you have those kind of speeches to her. You need to go back later and apologize for that because that's not a loving thing to do, the more you can identify with her pain. The more you can ask her such things as honey, can you just share with me how you think you got to this place. One of the factors that led you to this place and then… As she talks. Don't try to say oh no that's not right. Listen as she talks to you and shares with you how she got here and then express understanding, honey, I can see what you're saying. I can see how my behavior would the lights are coming on for me.

I am so so sorry for what I've done to you. You listen, you affirm. Her thoughts are fleeting.

I can see how you'd feel that way and don't attach a previous sermon to it after you say that and just express your regret for what you've done that scan the prelude. If she is, she begins a sense that you understand how she could be there.

You're not condemning her for being there.

She's former like to be responsive than when you do speak love in her love language.

Again, it doesn't mean she's going to turn around and I doubt that she'll turn around quickly, even if she does turn around but at least she senses that she's being understood by you and your hearing her and your affirming her thoughts and her feelings so that that's the basic approach I think again. The book one more try what to do in your marriage is falling apart you find to be very helpful. And then three words tell me more tell me no more, this is not a manipulative thing Gary are not saying okay so you listen 30 seconds longer than you used to, or a minute or two minutes or an hour so that then you get what you want her to turn around note, you really are asked your mining her heart for what you've done and taking responsibility for that and showing her.

If you are your own brokenness so that she sees the depths of your love for her rather than to do these 10 things and if you don't turn around and love me and forget the divorce then and I'm not saying that that's what the caller saying that you can get that quid pro quo thinking that we've been hearing a lot about you do that if I do this you gotta do that and and you have to move past that absolutely Chris has to be a sincere desire to understand the hurt that is brought your spouse to this place, whether they turn around or not you want to understand how this happened, it needs to be a learning experience for you that when they see that your sincerely interested in them and their pain and their hurt and how they got there, it at least as a first step in the possibility of there being any reconciliation down the road. My guess is getting there's some by lesson right now might be a husband might be a wife is in that same situation to their spouse has has given up and quit trying and they just want to know what to do what you pray for a couples like that run the condemning today. Probably you know what were talking about and you know the couples are listening today who identify with this caller.

I do pray that your spirit will touch their spirits that she would give them wisdom that they would reach out to you for wisdom, that they would examine their own heart and their own life and ask you know Lord, where I need to change what I need to do differently and you give them a listening ear that reaches out to ask questions of the other person in terms of how they came to the place where they want to give up. Father, I know that you are in the business reconciliation. Know that your desire for couples but also know that unless people respond to you that by nature. We are selfish in our ways the right way and we will condemn the other person other work in the hearts of those who are listening who may be struggling at this juncture in their relationship so that they can see things from your perspective in the name of Christ well before we conclude today I want to give your number where you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman. Maybe we'll get to it in 2020 when you say you can make a comment as well and respond to something that you've heard today 186-6424 Gary is our number 866.24 Gary if you have a question or comment about any relationship, we'd love to hear from you start the new year out with some great questions from you and don't forget to check out our featured resource. We talked about a lot of different resources. Five love languages.com. Find out more about 52 uncommon family adventures simple and creative ideas for making lifelong member again five love languages.com next week. You have to hear Sarah Mae story of struggling to forgive Delmas a conversation about loving even when it hurt. I think thank you today to work hard all the way and Janice Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's production and many radio publishers ministry of Moody Bible and