Dear Gary - November

Find out about the love languages and how to enhance your life by identifying yours today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman might hurt the offender and I just don't get along.

I hear welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller. The five-month language today are Thanksgiving broadcast with Dr. Chapman addresses your questions your feedback. Struggles question, write down the number call, you may hear that burning issue on the future dear Gary broadcast so call us leave a message. 16642 Gary 66424 dear well we just come through Thanksgiving. Even though this is been a really really tough year.

We do have a lot to be thankful� Christian our thanks and focus on difficulties in the plane and all that's been experienced by many many many families.

But in the reality were alive and we've lost friends to death. Hopefully they knew the Lord, and if so, they're better off than we are. We give thanks for the heads of things is a lot to be thankful for ever to encourage people during the season just to take some time to sit down and reflect and maybe write down some of the things you're thankful for you know in terms of people that his family and in terms of things that we have just an abundance of things that we can thank God for so yeah I hope everybody's had a great season of reflecting on the goodness of God. Our featured resource today is really a fantastic resource that can do that very thing make you thankful for what God has done for us in the incarnation I hope it's going to be on every hearth in every home this year so excited about Hosanna and asked Chelsea's hymns and devotions for the Christmas season, the authors David and Barbara Lehman have been married for 50 years. In fact, Gary December 18 is Andrea and my anniversary and it's their 50th anniversary this year.

So were all going to get together and and saying, but they believe in the power of music.

The power of Christmas hymns and carols in the deep theology in their plus the power of singing together sounds great to me, get a copy love to hear the songs and read the songs and meditate on it so it really is going to be a great tool for listeners during the Christmas season as we moved toward that and beyond that you go to five love languages.com will see it right there Hosanna in asked Chelsea's hymns and devotions for the Christmas season. It's our featured resource today and go to five love languages.com to find out more. All right, it's time for our first caller Gary and we have a lot of men who have phoned in which we love and we have a lot of love language issues that were going to address today. So here we go. On your relational on my side I was unfortunately our marriage is so far gone that I don't believe that there is much in love with a woman tried everything thing just extracting my question should take with this, Chris. You know, anytime you tried and tried in a marriage relationship and things don't seem to be getting better. It's extremely painful because you know when we got married we intended move on both like each other happy. Were going to love each other forever and one that doesn't work out today. It is very very painful in terms of the love languages and I have people say to me you know I don't. But I don't think I have a lot of language I don't I don't know that in one of those speaks loudly to me that comes from two kinds of people.

Sometimes it's people who really never felt loved growing up and they don't really quite know what it means to fill out and the other is that people have always felt loved and their parents bike all five languages and I grew up feeling loved and they get married their spouse speaks, most of them and I feel loved and I don't know which one. More important, I just know they fill up in a troubled marriage like this one of the things you have suggested, and I don't know how far along they say this, but I would say to say to the spouse who love language you don't really know and I don't know things like what could I do that would make your life easier or what could I do to be a better husband to you, you know, you just can open yourself up by asking questions of them all. What you could do that. Like life better for them and often their answers over a period of time will really .21 love language more than another. I don't know the nature of this marriage. Of course I don't know what's happened I don't know the pain on both sides, and I know that I do know you can get to the place where you feel like there's no hope. It always have hope greatest for couples and I sometimes say you know maybe go all my hope for a while because I really believe that any marriage there's still hope.

As long as you're alive, but I know you can get to the place where you feel like there's no hope because you got all you know to do and then there's no change but I would say asking questions like that after the person if if I could be a perfect husband to you.

For example, in this case what what I look like those kind of questions which may be there so far down in the relationship that they'll say nothing you could do whatever make you a good husband and you know that's that that that sounds pretty bad asking questions to movies is one of the best ways to discover really how to love a person, and you might have to keep if it's bad enough you might have to keep coming back again and again and then not go on the answer to that question.

You give me a divorce or get out of your never talk to me get back anything you have to wait until the its laws enough to be able to even get an answer. Yeah, I think I think you're right, Chris, and sometimes to do it if you recognize your own part in in the relationship. You are your own failures and none of us are perfect and even though it may be, you know, one sided, but that even if you go inside of them have been thinking a lot about us and I and I realize I failed you. In some ways and you discount apologizing for your part in the in the failure because, by nature, we see their flaws and not our own flaws but sometimes it's it starts with an apology.

And even though they don't necessarily respond positively at least their thinking. You know that that's different.

I haven't heard that before. So yeah that I think we are where we are but that the question always is what's what other steps can I take in on that. That kinda goes love the book, one sculpt one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart and so I think this poster might find some helpful ideas in that book as well.

This is our November dear Gary broadcast on Building Relationships. If you'd like to ask a question for future program beginner numbers 866424 Gary 186-6424 Gary next up a question that deals with love in the midst of pain from the past. Gary, I read your book on five love languages. I am a senior married over 50 years and make her spend and I just don't get along my love languages physical touching his chance acts of service. She has been holding a grudge against me for a long long time about losing his share of the family business 25 years ago and he hasn't been Internet, which makes sense because of our family. I really don't want to get into cars but I'm trying to find a way to move forward and somehow stay in this marriage and I'm feeling really really hurt and thank you for listening. Again, this is a deeply moving situation. Chris 50 years married and not getting along and I remembered the days we didn't get along with their earlier intermarriages after 50 years ago were doing well but when you been a long-term marriage and it hasn't been good and it sounds like. In this case, at least for 25 years. After some event happened that he felt she was the reason why he didn't get part of this family business. I can see you I can say you just fill hopeless almost. And yet she doesn't want to get out of the marriage that's positive you know she has a commitment to the concept that marriage is a covenant and so I'm here to you this trying to find a way to survive in the midst of all this.

I do think God to open up a conversation. I know sometimes admit after that, many years. It is for like where we just live in the same house in this speech, do our own thing and when I can talk about us anymore. I think to open up conversation and say you know I been thinking a lot about us lately. I don't know how you're feeling about us.

I just wish we could learn how to care about each other in Some good years in our in our old age.

So I'm asking what you think I could do that would make life better for you in a rather than asking them to do something for you. You're asking what can I do for you and often it'll open up a conversation, a blessing always it well. They may say nothing you can do is to make things better for me. You never meant that I do think we we don't make any progress without communication. So somewhere along the line we have to talk about us if we if I take the approach of what can I do that would make things better for you.

A relationship that's that's always has more potential for leading somewhere positive, then the complaining about how empty I am and how hurt I am and how I feel rejected and know all of that. Far better to take that approach of what can I do to me. That's biblical you know Jesus himself said about himself didn't come to be served.

I came to serve and to give my life a ransom for many. To me, that has potential Chris I'm not saying this is the answer, but it does have potential and again the hope there is a long time to have a love languages physical touch and not experience that you know so in a lot of ways it sounds like he's shut down.

She shut down. Wouldn't it be in after 50 years would be something for God to touch heart and to and to bring this marriage back to a place I don't know that you get there without somebody else walking along side you and and helping you open up and and begin to talk about that. That's often true Chris and that's why counseling.

Of course I can be a real real help, but that means two people might be willing to go for counseling. I have sometimes had to people with a spouse won't go you to say them will I'm going to go because I want to learn how to be a better wife or I will learn how to be better something to go for counseling. Sometimes the fact that you have someone outside the other, the relationship that you can talk with the counselor and help you think about your own feelings and what approaches you may take that have hope for for them. So yeah always I don't care how bad a marriage is if a couple is willing to sit down with the pastor or counselor, and over period of time. Look at the things that brought them to where they are wiki where human we have the potential to change things, and as Christians we have a help and power of God to change things so things can be better but SI would certainly encourage you reaching out for counseling on the part of both would be ideal, but even one will be a step in the right direction feature resource is an amazing devotional. I didn't have time to tell you about some of the stories they conclude about the carols in the hymns in this book if you like it half as much as I do, you'll really be encouraged to go to five love languages.com featured resource is hosanna in X, Chelsea's hymns and devotions for the Christmas season is@ 5lovelanguages.com. Let's take a question about a relationship that has rekindled or maybe it hasn't. Here we go. Gary shifts for five months.

Also normally I would be moderate, not completing my cost for today. Whether that's reading or anything you know me with fear and resentment.

She not think I would feel resentment towards her because I would like to know how can we move that it be getting her with quality time being her love language to get her back. It's she still loves me. I love her but in terms of being in relationship. She doesn't want that.

I guess her love tank is empty � is that I fixed that she still lines out with me she suit me on the phone so how how what I fixed. Thank you. Well I can understand if you have had a good relationship, and then you broke up in one of his pulled away and now yearly spending time together again. You hope to live in a positive direction and that the fact that her love language is quality time and she is spending time with you now.

Maybe because that does make her feel better.

But I hear you saying is also resentment there. I think we have to talk about what brought us to the point where we are in a in a non-condemning way out by that I mean for you to say to her. For example, you know, I really enjoy spending time with you and I know that you're hurt and I know that some of the things I have done the past have hurt you. Can we just talk about it. Can you just tell me again the things that I've done or haven't done in the past that have really hurt you, and let her share it with you again and I just listen to it. Don't be condemning. Don't try to excuse yourself but listen to her and be empathetic to try to put yourself in her shoes and send see the world through her eyes and maybe you can come to the place when you can then sell you honey what you're saying makes sense to me and I can see how deep the Archie certainly didn't intend to do that but I can see how deep the Archie you know I will apologize and if there's any way I can make this up to you.

I would certainly like to do it because I love you and I would I would like for us to have a good relationship and I like to meet your needs and I like to help you become the person you want to become that kind of conversation which you're trying to let her share her hurts, even though you've heard it before but normally you've heard it, and probably a negative fashion about how bad you've hurt her, but if if you can be asking her to share that again and listening empathetically to her and coming back with the apologetic spirit, it may well open the door to her getting over some of that pain from the past because resentment doesn't go away unless it's processed and resentment is processed by conversation by asking questions and listening to the other person and what I really feel like that you are understanding them and you're not condemning them for their feelings and they're not condemning them for not getting over it, but your empathetic with them.

They're far more likely to begin to warm up inside towards you and especially for love languages quality time listing to her as she shares her hurting her pain and and then talking about, you know how what you might do that would help her come to the place to forgive you for that. So you could go forward. To me that's the road again. You know it. She mentioned counseling if both of them are willing to go for counseling. I think a cancer could help them understand each other as well.

But that would be my approach in terms of something you can do immediately that Gary Chapman is the author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" you can find out more about it even taken assessment of your love language right now@ 5lovelanguages.com. This is our dear Gary broadcast post Thanksgiving hurtling toward Christmas and here's another good question about giving and receiving love for Gary. I find that my love language in terms of receiving quality time but in the way that I send love is actually giftgiving and I was wondering if there was any discussion on that or any study on that because I don't actually see the same love language that I'm giving is what I'm receiving so just curious about that. Thanks much like to thank the caller because this is a question I do receive when I'm speaking a live audience is and we have a Q&A about 75% of the people who have taken the love language quiz I have discovered that the love language they speak most often to others is also the language they want to receive but about 25% of the people will fit in with what you're describing is they will speak primarily one. Love language, but what they desire what they want to receives a different love language is nothing wrong with that. Is this understanding.

If that's the way it is with you, and I think this might be a reason why that happens that sometimes like for your example you said Doug giving gifts is what you do. Most often, that may be because your parents are one of your parents taught you to give gifts. Maybe they gave gifts and I taught you how to give gifts and always give gifts if you love people. So you're doing what you learn to do growing up, and it's natural for you to do that because they taught you how to do that, but what you want to receive is a different love language so that sometimes explains why that phenomena is true. So I would put yourself down at all for that. I just try to understand it. That's the way it is and that's fine, but the important thing isn't in a relationship is for you to discover the other person's love language and you choose to speak their love language. Whether it's quality time or gifts are one of the other love languages because when you are giving love to them in their love language. Something deep inside of them is drawn to you.

Because love stimulates love. So having a good relationship is discovering the primary receiving language of the other person and in speaking that language got another question coming up but that that the opposites attracting comes in the year and I wonder if even in the questions that we've had about some of these deep struggles that we've heard so far that there is this you know once once you are attracted to somebody else and they put for example, physical touch, and that's not there is and it is yours. Then there is the spiral can go down pretty quickly when that need isn't met well extra prayers. I think any time were not receiving love in our primary language over a period of time we began to cut away and emotionally in terms of wanting to pursue this relationship and I when we do for love. Conversely, we're drawn to wanting to pursue the relationship all right with this next call were going to get into some deep weed some deep relational weeds about marriage and divorce, and as you'll hear, for this caller. It's a really timely question Gary mom told me to read your book.

Recently my wife and I have been having trouble with our master today and was told that she wants to get a divorce after 17 years.

We met as teenagers. She had a very rough life growing up and I was a police officer years ago for about 11 years and that did have some effect on admin and officer and several years now that we work to get a full-time 2012. Trouble is stress at work and stuff is in my opinion has caused me to be withdrawn and not be there to communicate with her and she's got stress going on with her mom and dad in the way she was raised in some recent activities that happen with them, or that the laughter the new life promising a lot and anyway I'm just rambling that I'm scared. I'm reaching out whatever it takes is open if there's anything we can do that.

I know your book so that we can, but she has such a book, and I'm just not asking for miracle love my wife more than anything in the world and we are each other's best friends. Up until recently, and she still my best friend, but need help think anyone who hears the story of this caller would be deeply moved.

Because here's a menacing young man is been married 20, 17 years, who is hurting hurting deeply and apparently his wife is wanting to move out of the marriage relationship and he wants desperately to save the relationship. Again, there's no magic wand that can be waived that will bring about a reconciliation. I do think it's good that you talk with your minister and I don't know if you have plans to talk with him again or not, but I think talking with someone of a pastor or counselor could be extremely helpful if your wife is willing to do that. You know sometimes people are locked into the idea that I'm just going to get a divorce and I don't talk to anybody about it, especially counselor but if she was willing, I would urge you both to go for counseling because a counselor can help you understand the pain and hurt that the other person's feeling and also help you understand your own feelings and maybe why you're feeling that that would be my best advice now.

Apart from that, I do think there are things you can do that have the potential perhaps changing her heart in her mind. One of them is to apologize for your failures in the past and do you know what those are and if not, ask God to tell you, he'll show you what your failures are in the past and just tell you I realize I hurt you, and I realize that you just just talk about that the pain that maybe you realize that you have got Koster and to say to her and I deeply regret that. And if there's anything I can do that will make it easier for you to forgive me. I am certainly willing to do it. You know that that kind of approach and then also that certain not to criticize her to to criticize her complaint about her response was to simply push her further away. Preaching to her, telling her well you should be thinking this way you know you're Christian or whatever that that's not going to help. That's gonna drive her away. But to say to her, you know, I can see how you would feel this way after you listen to her hurting her pack and see how you feel like there's no hope.

I believe there's hope with God. I believe there's hope you're apologizing, you're opening up to her is not necessarily going to turn her heart, but it can't hurt, they won't hurt you, will make things worse for you to apologizing for you to say to her honey.

What could I do that would make your life easier and then yet you don't have to talk about what you can do it work because I heard you say the both of you are working together in the same job is least that was my impression that you were talking about that. So you got a lot of things to work out there. If she's going to separate what is she still will work with you so you have an awful lot to talk about and I would say being empathetic with her pain rather than trying to talk her out of it and make much more progress and that if you take that approach on our dear Gary broadcast each month we take your questions and if you want to ask one call us at 186-6424 Gary were not taking your calls live here but hopefully in the future you'll hear your question on it. Dear Gary broadcast 866424 Gary now a love language impasse.

Here's our next caller. So my wife and I are just the first section of the workbook.

We understand were supposed to talk in our relationships with love language. What do we do with our love language in our activity. So my example I am a quality time and my wife is a acts of service. What is she doing with her attempt to accept service. Now my love language is quality time shall act a number of times about dinner or what to do for dinner or what she can do for me and that upsets near bug that she says well now that I know him supposed to talking their love language of quality time with you what I do have some interactive services like her but that she do with that disease.cooking dinner at the question. Thank you. I think one of the things I would say is thank her for fixing dinner unless you want to fix it and see it as an act of love. Okay, so it is her language but she is speaking it to you and listen.

We need all five of these, that all five of them are wonderful that let's be thankful for what she's doing in terms of acts of service for you as I would give her.

I would commend her for that and tell her how much we appreciate her cooking and whatever else she's doing for you and then yours is quality time and I think you need to identify value for yourself and then for her what dialects of quality time are really meaningful to you.

Is it sitting down and having conversations with her, or is it taking a walk with her or is it doing a project with her. Where were you sense most love coming from her. In terms of quality time because she may be kind of fuzzy on what you mean by quality time if that's number five for her. She may not even understand exactly what you're talking about being more specific in terms of what would be meaningful to you will be very helpful to her and the very fact that she is doing acts of service for you and asking what she could do for you says to me she cares she she really does want to love you and that's that's her way of doing it that that is her natural way of doing it but she can learn to speak good quality time.

If she understands what kind of quality time is most meaningful to you and then for you if acts of service is her is the one she wants to receive.

You need to be asking her. I would say every dot every night honey. What can I do tonight. It would be helpful to you, are helpful for you. Yes it what you're doing is asking her for the kind of things you could do for her. That would be helpful to her, and chances are if that's her love language, chances are she will have some ideas on what you could do to make things better for her, and if you start touching her love language and she begins to really sense that you care about her and your speaking. Her love language. She's far more interested in learning what your love language is and how she can speak your love language, so don't give up on this I mean that you're in a good place you at least are beginning to understand your need for love and quality time. Her need for love and acts of service. It's a matter now of learning how to do that in the most effective manner, so he call it an impasse, but it sounds it sounds more like a litmus test that you got to people who are committed to each other and who want to love each other and they just haven't figured that all out so I meaning in one sense, when if I do that test on their their marriage.

It's like moving forward in there together even though they're struggling that's what it sounds like Demetrius because when he sees what she's doing for him.

These acts of service, and he knows it's not his love language, but maybe he's not affirming her for those things and consequently if he's complaining you know you not speak of my love language complaining always pushes a person away far better to us to focus on meeting their love language and saying things like a scale of 0 to 10. Much love, you feel from me tonight and whatever they say is less than 10. You say what can I do tonight. That would make you feel more loved and you you ask her that for a few weeks. You know once a week or once every other week to start asking you that question just at this couple months down the road to start asking you that question. And now you're getting somewhere.

So focus on meeting her need and discovering what it is. And chances are she's going to come to reciprocate in due time, etc. Gary Chapman, this is Building Relationships. Find out more. Five love languages.com now a call about a real deep marriage struggle and a wife who's in a difficult situation. I question if married Phil and guy about 20 now we think we all packed up and he left the key night that a year and when he moved I thought the leaked out the game. I reached out to the family. People came.

He refused to talk to everyone sound like a lot meant probably being out with someone now moving because he got a job but everyone else know about him but me he cheats me that how to cheat look like he does not wondered before. I feel that nothing happened.

What.Inc. that was something. What would you do, what would you buy. I am typically mentally is not that plan where not panicking that he's not divorce but you don't want to be a don't want to be a better husband to me, but would you buy a coalition that Chris I would like to have a little more information.

For example, I like to know if he's financially supporting her and the children.

I like to know if he spent any time with the children and I don't know what ages the children are many children there are.

But when a man simply picks up and leaves and has no contact with the children. No contact with the wife no financial support for the wife. You know, over a period of a year I would say it's time to take some action to hold them responsible because he has a responsibility for helping with those kids, and financially, especially helping with the family would be.

I think will be a time for her to say to say, a Christian attorney rather than a secular attorney and what can I do here that can begin to hold him responsible for at least you know, helping out here because I'm exhausted. The other thing I would say is your most important role right now is to your children, and so consequently taking care of yourself and your own physical, emotional and mental health is exceedingly important because your children desperately need you if this means that you need to be talking with the pastor or counselor or somebody that can help you deal with your own emotions. I would say there would be time well invested because in your hurt and with all the responsibility that now is been kind of dumped on you.

You may be feeling like I can't do this forever and and perhaps you can't, perhaps you need help and this is where Christian friends and friends from church can sometimes come in and help you with some of the things that you're struggling with in terms of the children I would say don't walk this road alone. Reach out to friends reach out to others and let them know where you are what's going on. People want to help, but they often don't know how to help unless you're having conversations with them so that that would be that would be my suggestion. It sounds like that he will not talk to you. He won't do and will discuss it with you are with his family. Now if the family knows more things about him that you don't know and they would be willing to tell you what they think's going on.

It might give you some understanding so it doesn't hurt to ask family members about him and what they feel about but obviously you can't make a husband come back and reengage and reconcile, but he does need to be held responsible for behavior. If he's not doing at least something to help you financially, and if he's not abusive. Then he certainly needs to be spending time with the children. The children need him.

Those be my thoughts and perhaps someone up your counselor) can help you decide what the next step might be well a grandmother gave her advice and now this caller wants to know what Dr. Gary Chapman thinks here's a question that no one will see that like that. Okay, that evening talking about this that I learned in RC that carry. That when I got 80 smoke and Jane tell me patiently cocky.

Thank you a lot happening there. See that you have heard from God. Now will want to hear this conversation Chris is that her grandmother apparently had a vision or a condo owner that this young man was going to be her husband and so she has spent some time with him but she doesn't see much of Christian faith in him and his behavior doesn't exhibit that he's a Christian so she's wondering if her grandmother really heard from God.

I only say this I grandmothers and grandfathers, and I am one grandfather they don't always have the word from God alone who you should marry and we all have ideas and we see a person and we we know enough about them to think that they would be a good person for a grants our grandson or granddaughter. But we don't know everything about them and what you discovered is some things that I would say are huge red flags waving, saying, don't go down this road very far with this person unless there's some radical changes because what you're observing in his life now as a single adult is not going to be fixed just by getting married that they get who it gets worse. Typically these kind of patterns you're talking about.

I would just say please block.

She was a friend not be looking somewhere else not be asking God, your father, lead me to a godly man my age who would have an interest in me and whom I would have an interest in who we can build our lives together following you. So I would if you're not already involved in a church that has a group of Christian singles that meet and study the Scriptures and try to encourage each other. Certainly urge you to find a church like that and get involved in a church like that because you don't want to pursue the marriage relationship with someone with whom you have these huge disagreements on so yeah I wouldn't I wouldn't feel that you're bound by what your grandmother said okay and maybe for grandmother's really pushy. I would tell her some of the things you've discovered about this young man and your grandmother may say to you, honey. I think I heard the wrong voice okay.

I like that answering and lifetimes on the program we talk about you the wisdom of your parents and the people who love you a lot in the air. Grandmother probably really loves her and wants the best for her, but you didn't didn't understand didn't have the whole thing elevate one other follow-up to that, then what if it's the at the person that comes to you that see this guy had come to her and said God told me you're the one. How you respond to that is that as the person on the other end that God had told you that I think I would say well I'm open to hearing God so you want to go have lunch and you there. The purpose of dating in our culture is to get to know the other person and to find out if this is God's person, for you have a God Salem Waterloo. I like also what God can can't do metal they got cell until somebody that your wife and he goes and tells her you're my wife and God told me so.

Without giving the other person.

Some some idea that that this is a deed of God, but I think dating in our culture lease leads us to understand of the person and find out if we have enough in common. They were marching to the beat of the same drummer in both of our hearts are marching with God's heart. These are the things that lead you to decide ultimately to marry her not to marry.

It's not vision somebody said they had from God it so you're getting to know them in and then seeking God's wisdom about whether to pursue this or not to pursue this final call today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman is a wife who is married to a difficult person. Here we go on a Christian because when because he there. Bob and I will be here were unclear.

I got my bag typically and not writing teacher want to comply. Natalie Fifth Amendment Calvin and Mark do antibiotic grade about it and I'm not happy with the way I actually plan because the article on my flex my time.

Like I said, it's gotten worse over the years and I just feel like I'm not even a Christian.

The way I speak and on what will here in the voice of this caller see thinks he's a Christian that she doesn't act like a Christian and that bothers her but at the same time she's ask yourself how to deal with this husband is a barbarian know what all she means by that term Chris but obviously it's not a good good picture that she has of him and apparently she has told him and she says I've mistreated him. Let me first of all say that whether we are Christian or not a Christian is not determined by how we treat people is whether or not we have faith in Jesus Christ and what he did on the cross for our sins and we confess our sins and ask him to forgive us and invite them into our lives and let him be our Savior and our Lord is see us by faith in Christ that determines whether Christian or non-Christian. Now we can be a Christian and mistreat other people. None of us are perfect. After we give our lives to Christ. But when we do mistreat people we bothered by it because it's not just our conscience is the Holy Spirit saying to us, you shouldn't talk that way you shouldn't treat him that way. So God convicts us of our wrongdoing and so I think the first step is to confess your own wrongdoing.

Lord you know of mistreated him. You know I speak to him harshly in meaning and in a non-Christian way.

So I'm asking you to forgive me and I'm asking you to fill my heart with the attitude of Jesus and Jesus attitude was to serve people in the Scripture said he was God when he became a man, and when he got a level ground with us.

He step down in humility to serve us, and that's the attitude God wants to build in our lives that we are here to serve people, even people that don't love us. I mean let's face it, the Bible says God loved us while we were sinners and sent Christ to die for us, so you confess your own failures you accept God's forgiveness.

You ask him to pour his love into your heart and let you love and unlovely husband.

You will do that naturally you can do that with the help of God. You see yourself as a channel of God's love to your husband and whatever his love languages you speak that love language you are you are God, loving him through you and you don't have to have feelings to do this you have to have positive feelings you have to do is open your heart to the love of God and let God use you as a channel. I'm not going to say that he will turn around quickly when you start doing that but I can tell you this. There's nothing more powerful. You can do than to confess your own failures to God first and then to your husband and then to love your husband in the power of Christ to love your husband in his love language nothing more powerful in influencing him in a positive way and I've seen many many men as well as many women when their spouse takes this approach in due time and not talk about three weeks sometime about six months, eight months, nine months of this, they began to reciprocate and many of them turned their lives over to Christ, and now they are no longer barbarians there now children of God, and you can have a great relationship with both of you have committed your lives to Christ, so that will be my prayer for you and you can't make him change his behavior, but you can certainly, with God's help change your behavior and you become an instrument of positive influence rather than an instrument of negative influence on your husband I love her honesty to Gary is saying I did. I must not be a Christian because I you know, here's how. If I fuss and I flash fume and it's it it look what that did it guide us to the gospel and it got its to grace we are not Christians or were not going to heaven because we do everything right and we respond in a Christian way every time we are in Christ because of his grace and his love and his mercy and work By that grace in him. So that's really good news today.

I'm glad you call if you have a question for Dr. Gary Chapman, here's the number 186-6424 Gary love to hear from you. And don't forget to check our featured resource is then annexed Chelsea's hymns and devotions for the Christmas season by David and Barbara Lehman find out more at 5lovelanguages.com Chris next week were going to take a fresh look brotherhood without all the find out what that means I can afford to carry my big thank you to our production team Lincoln Janice time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's the radio and association with ministry violence. Thanks for the