Dear Gary - April

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My first response was I don't know counselor counselors listen we'll talk. We listen we talk. So, yes, but will listing two thirds of the time so that we know what to say or talk it up and then the Québec is, what if we give you a really good cohost well I think about it pray about it.

Yeah, and then they came back and said what about Chris and Andrea favorite.

It will deftly pray about you guys, radio people you pray about that and so I did not came back and said blessed the God if Chris and Andrew say yes to their request. Someone take that as a sign that I should try this.

That's where it all started.

Chris years ago.

This was the 2007, 2008 when we say 07 will be started. So 14 years. This year, and so all of those lessons are put in this new memoir. That's just the title is life lessons and love languages. What I've learned on my unexpected journey. We have a link@ 5lovelanguages.com five love languages.com one more question. Did anything surprise you as you wrote this as you went back over your life.

Something that kinda popped up to you didn't expect you would write about Chris. There were things that I remembered that I had not thought about for many many years. Some of those were my childhood and some things that I did in my childhood dumped on by young childhood that work on pranks that I thought would get fun out of them and I was really hurting people and I realize that you know you hurt people with something you think is fun.

It's no longer fun and is certainly not love you turn the outhouse over pushing the air out of the tires it all happen. It's all there in the in the book. If you go to five love languages.com you'll see some of the life lessons of love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey by Dr. Gary Chapman again go to five love languages.com right let's get to the questions.

The first is a call from someone who wants you to add to the love languages that see what Gary will say about this. Your mind after learning to love me and I realized that you might be a six love language called the element of surprise and somebody to appreciate all of "The 5 Love Languages" . That's really tied into the thought that it's really about feeling the excitement of being surprised in that moment like everyday new edition of your book like that might be something that you should enter somebody to be loved or not they should be also identified think you have a great day call for me a unique idea, surprise, though I do know some people really like to be surprised and some people do not like to be surprised. Don't surprise him.

Let him know what's going I guess in my mind.

However, I would view that as a dialect maybe owned maybe some of the other love languages because you can surprise people with gifts. For example, you can surprise people by giving them words of affirmation in a unique way. In fact, almost all of them you could there's an could be an element of surprise. So I would gotta view it as is a dialect of maybe any one of the languages but I guess and thought, you know.

Who knows maybe there come up with six love language.

Maybe that's it. That's a familiar question that we've had to the six love language be chocolate or some of the other things but I think she's on to something about the surprised and and I anticipated your answer to, because I thought you gifts or words of affirmation there people who go on trips in a sale. Open up my suitcase and there.

My wife has left a note for me or dad. His left a note for the kids that when he goes on on a trip, so there is a case of an element of surprise to this and I guess it's just the whole idea of I was thinking about you in a special way and I want to do this in a surprising way so that it touches you deeper in the heart think that's true. Chris is quality time may people share with me. Tell my husband were go take a ride on Saturday morning. He had no idea where were going to spend the whole weekend away so we could have some time together. God knew that was his primary language to surprise them with as we kept driving his or where we going I said you see that I drove to a vacation spot. Your weekend vacation spot. We had a great time and he was absolutely amazed that I would've thought about that and to spend that time with him so you think almost all of them. You can have an element of surprise and for people who appreciate that that's meaningful.

Multiple marriages and a big age gap. That's part of our next callers experience for you are probably right about. My night has been. Marriage my question. How do you overcome difficult boundaries.

Previous marriages train my husband and I we have you previous marriages of back baggage that there is 20 years difference between himself and high hill to climb here, here, herein, I and my desire to help my marriage back have one biological child together children that I brought into this marriage from the previous point in time. Thank you for all you do to try to help marriages out there. Well, I think a lot of our listeners with this question Chris because many of them are in somewhat similar situations. That is, they had previous marriages. And now they're in a marriage that's going along for seven years, 10 years whatever and perhaps are struggling and the call of course mentioned one other difference, and that is a 22 year age difference between the two of them speak to the first one and I do believe that whenever we marry and divorce are even her spouse dies and we move into another marriage. We do bring baggage with us and that's the word that the caller use we bring baggage with us. We bring memories we bring emotional hurt and pain that many times and those things are there.

We don't embrace our history, our history is always there.

Everything we've ever done is stored in the human brain, and these things often come back and I like color the relationship.

Now sometimes were comparing things that are spouse now is doing that were different from the other spouse or maybe the same thing and were thinking oh no not again returning exactly like my mother's husband my wife. There is baggage there. I think we have to process it in our own minds. First of all, I hope that we are open and honest with each other before we get married about our past, so that they know what our history has been and whether it's been positive or negative. In what ways is been negative or positive.

The more you can talk about this before you get married, the more likely you are to be able to process some of those emotions even before you come to the to the wedding, but I think if you haven't done that it has to be done in the marriage. So looking back and trying to learn what can we learn from the past to me is a positive way to process this because your husband probably knows that you got some things inside of you that stimulate, hurt, or other emotions that he doesn't understand but there tied to your past marriage and the more you can try to learn first about yourself you say why did I respond that way to what he said or did. He may well be tied to what happened to you in a previous marriage and then also he can ask that question you what you think triggered that. What did you get defensive. What did you get angry when I did that are said that or whatever we can understand ourselves and see what's behind our behavior, the more likely we are to process it in a positive way so that those are my suggestions.

I think we have to acknowledge where we are acknowledge our history. Try to learn why we respond the way we respond and then work on new responses so that we are not controlled by the memories and and the emotions that are stimulated inside of us okay to have them, but we we can't allow them to control our behavior controlled by the members. That's a really good way to put that Gary 22 year age difference is she can't change that he can't change that. That's that's real, but is there anything you would say about that. Yeah, I think Chris they knew this was true before they got married. Sometimes when we're in love. We think will. That makes no difference at all. As we get older we realize who one of us has a whole lot more energy. One of us has better hail. You are one of us has very serious health problems are and all of that but some of those things will be true whether there was a great age difference or not. And some of it has to do with our interest in how we want to spend our time. So again, these are things that are fairly normal in relationships, even if there's not a huge age difference and so I think talking our way through those and the learning how to sometimes push ourselves maybe to do things that are spouse would like for us to do with them and we don't have the energy or we don't have the interest or whatever, but we all have to develop an attitude of how can I enrich your life. How can I make this marriage better for you and if we both take that approach and listen to what the other person says in response to that question. We can have a good marriage, even if there is a large age difference. One of the things she said she used the word intestate we have. I have 10 years invested in that in this marriage and I like that verbiage you are investing your your time, your talent, your treasure your love, your turning your affection toward that other person and you are investing. Now of course you're vulnerable.

When you do that you know you could do your investments can go sour on you but if you look at it marriage as an investment that changes your perspective, it does Chris because were going to invest our lives doing something everybody invest their life to something. It's a matter of where they're going. Invest your life and bringing hope and help other people you get do doing and saying things that are going to enrich their lives. We feel better about ourselves when we are indeed loving each other because it ended because at its heart, that is what love is all about.

It's an attitude of I want to enrich the life of the person to whom a married if it if you talk about marriage and that you have that attitude and you're asking how can I enrich your life.

How can I make things better for you and you responded that in both of you doing that you going to have a good marriage because you both are loving each other in very meaningful ways, and we feel loved. We can tackle the other difficulties that come along in life much easier. I sent to Gary Chapman. This is our April dear Gary broadcast in our featured resource go to the website. Five love languages.com is his new book, the memoir life lessons and love languages. What I've learned on my unexpected journey again. You'll find it@ 5lovelanguages.com right.

Our next call is from a dad is concerned for my daughter and about 40 years old and married for 14 years and she had five what I would call a narcissist. He controlled everything he controlled all the money he is used to check her emotionally. He criticizes her. He blames her for everything. Whenever anything.

There is no peace in the hall. This note harmony. He goes to church, but he doesn't have relationships with people think that they get along with people he wants to control everything dear father way.

So finally after 14 years you. She decided she's not going to put up with it anymore. That she made a move out. She is overwhelmed with taking care by by herself. She know what to do praying and trying to get help from God, trying to get direction back how she made Sam's she needs help from someone that you wondered if you have any waiting for an answer.I know I don't think you can feel the pain of his father. I think any time. Grown children are in situations where they are being abused in one way or another we were paying for them. I do feel like that one abuse and what what this column is described as but going on for a number of years in a marriage. It is time to apply what we typically call tough love and that's essentially what she's done she's ask him to to get out and apparently he has gotten out of the house, but now she's suffering the consequences of that decision, which is taking care of five children by herself and I don't know what her financial situation is whether he is contributing to that are not at this juncture, so she desperately needs help and that my first suggestion would be that she reach out to a pastor or a counselor, someone who can hear her pain and see her situation and hopefully point her in the right direction if she needs financial help, you know, there are people there are organizations or churches that have funds that can help lease for a period of time so should she need someone that will be there and hear her and help her process. This how he responds to all of this is another factor. You know, does he just walk often have nothing to do with her or and then the children and the other part of it. She can't keep him from seeing the children unless you know the court rules that they would be unsafe in his presence. So you got all that to deal with as well. So there's a whole lot of issues that have to be dealt with. I personally don't think the answer is simply letting them come back in the house because things are going to change if he moves out for three weeks or three months and he moves back in and we haven't dealt with the problems.

I think if she says to him, I'm going to get counseling weathers with a pastor with a professional counselor. I'm going to get done I'm going to see a counselor because I want to do what I can do to seek reconciliation eventually but I cannot sit here longer and let you do what you done to me and the children.

I don't see how you could be happy with yourself what you've done but I'm going to go get help and I would like for you to go with me your given that opportunity. But if he doesn't you go and let someone work with you as you walk through this difficult situation. There's no easy answer, and others know 123 do this, this, this and things will be okay. But there is always hope for two reasons. Number one, we are human. Humans can change, and God can touch hearts and change attitudes.

So, because those two things are true, there's always hope even in marriages that seem there is no those are my suggestions. You test on the site.

The end. But she is waiting for God to intervene waiting for God to speak to her and tell her what to do.

I think that's a good a good place to be to to be open to what is it that you want here.

It's also depended on interpretation, you know, if you you look for a sign out the window or you you open the Bible and you put your finger down. That can be problematic. Can you see can a Christian and that's why God typically uses people to help people.

He brings people who have training and who have a hard and have gifts designed to help people who are struggling in their relationships and God uses people. He uses pastors or users counselor to use his close friends if she has close friends, but I do think often God's direction comes through a caring person that is familiar with the kind of thing refacing and has practical ideas. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" is a really fun question Gary that will take us back to a previous program.

So if you call here today. You can ask a question like this dad who's concerned or maybe her something on today's program and it spurs a question in your mind, see if this brings up a good memory for you. Gary program, guide to giving thanks and I thought you were talking about how you tell Garrett that you are going to hear how count he remember your mom and your dad and your sister… Let's really solve and I couldn't help. The first thing that popped into my head. What did you stop at the little restaurant and get a long County urgently dog whatever you call it that way your mom a break every time you take her to lunch. I have always remembered that you said that on another program and that thought that would be kinda neat. I just wanted to see if you can answer that for me. Your program think is that's exactly what I did with the gear is barbecue you got a foot long hot dogs after I'd spent some time at the cemetery. My mom and dad and sister all buried in the same place and dispense considerable time there just reflecting on our relationship. Each one of them and what they did in my life.

And then I drove down by the house where I grew up and again this reflected on things that happened in the backyard in the garden you know and all those things but but when lunch time came I went to a foot long hot dog and sat there and thought about my mother is but if I got told the owner of the restaurant became around. I said that I'm remembering my mother today.

He said oh really.

And I told him you know how we can often come there and she always order foot long hot dogs and she said well that's that's news.

That's a wonderful memory so I'm glad I can be a part of the grade and he was a part of it. As I recall, she said she wanted everything on it. Was there something like it all the way or long… Although I Huggins you know, so I understood. I don't know what I said you will find these kinds of little snippets of Gary's life in this new book and again were gonna talk about it next week here on the program life lessons and love languages.

What I've learned on my unexpected journey you find out more at 5lovelanguages.com.

If you enjoy Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman visit our website find level.com area. Find out more about Dr. Chapman's New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" and more. You can hear podcast at the program and find out about our featured resource. It's a new book by Dr. Chapman, life lessons, and love languages. What I've learned on my unexpected journey just got a five love languages.com don't forget you can ask Gary a question, call us at 186-6424 Gary Colette number, leave your message and you may hear an answer in the future.

Dear Gary broadcast 186-6424 Gary, here's an interesting question about the love languages and the deeper issues they represent. I should ring the language and it seems to me that is about trust.

Be receiving guilt is about being provided for and have you ever looked at what the reasons behind the different five things are what people are actually getting from doing that. Have a good day is an interesting question Chris. I have to be honest know I have not thought about that. There's a lot of things I haven't thought about. I understand what he's saying and I can see the two examples that he gave it that touches often related to trust.

In fact, I've had people my counseling office say I don't warning wise. I don't want to touch me because I don't trust but whether trust is really the motivating factor. You know, for those for whom touches their primary language.

I don't I don't really know. I can see the connection which I just described, and I can see gives conceived the idea providing for, but really providing for is more ask of services I would see because when you slam provide husband providing for his family. He's working he's doing things as acts of service to provide for them so could be tied with that as well. So whether or not there is an underlying need. That's behind each of the days that is uniquely behind each of these really not sure it's something to reflect on and I know what I will give some reflection to that. I appreciate you bringing this concept so so so that's my response so you stimulate some thought for me as I was listening to it. II thought you could maybe easier way to think about. That is to go to the negative.

How can touch be used in a negative way. Obviously, physical abuse comes in there or let's say quality time. How could you negatively use quality time will you could withhold it from the people that there that that's their love language you could not spend time with them and so with all of that you you devalue the person or you you express not love but at least indifference or something worse.

Right yeah I think so. Chris quality time as you mention.

People are deeply her. If this is their language quality time there deeply hurt if you forget that you were going to have dinner drink tonight and you came home an hour and 1/2 late. Are you you promise them that this weekend we were going to be together going somewhere doing something and at the very last minute to sell. There's a ballgame that came up, and then John asked me to go and I want to go with him. I'm in quality time people are devastated by that because you're taking what really what made them the feel love and you're saying something else is more important than my spending time with you. So now there is that aspect for sure. If you'd like ask a question or follow-up maybe to what you just heard 186-6424 Gary we took a call from a concerned mom whose daughter was thinking about getting paid for a medical procedure and here's a response to that call your daughter for money and my daughter I absolutely not very dangerous if the call came. Not very productive minute for surgical procedure. It's painful procedure and ticket thing, action, etc. intricate body how she can end up with kidney problems that kind of things I have studied this question in research. This is very dangerous. Count will do it. It's not worth that. I'm sure that God will provide something else. She just surrendered and since Lord Jesus. Take care, and somehow or other help her out to get out of her particular it's not like the danger to her body and her so well that thing anyway. Take care. Hope you're having a appreciate the caller sharing what she shared. To be honest, Chris. I have not studied the physical part of all of that which she was describing for us and I'm assuming what she says is fully true.

I think for most of us there?'s that are raised when we talk about selling eggs are selling sperm for that matter there? Surveys in our minds. There are parents who have received an a or who have received sperm going through that process to have a child now and they're very grateful for the person who was willing to provide this. It does seem to me, however, that money should not be the motivation for doing this. It seems to me if it's going to be done and I don't know what I don't know what I would certainly not want this. I certainly will not encourage my daughter to do this for my son to do this for that matter the same time, the Bible doesn't specifically address this because this was not a possibility in biblical times, no possibility at all in biblical times. So the question is no. Though modern science has made this possible is it wise, I think there are also Chris emotional and this is what I have that with more is emotional trauma that sometimes go with all of this.

For example, when that child grows up, who has been conceived by either someone else's egg or someone else's sperm and I don't know who that person is. Sooner or later, as they grow up they going to struggle with is my real father. My real mother. Something inside of us that wants to make contact with that person.

This is true even with adopted children, even though their adopted very young.

Most of them as they get older they have this desire to meet their mother or their father hear their biological mother, father sent yet there are those emotional aspects to this as well. I would certainly encourage this daughter to talk to some trusted people in her life again. Pastors, counselors, before she simply makes the decision in order to have money that seems to me to be a rather unworthy, motivation to do something like this. One of the things you say in your new memoir that's out life lessons in love languages is that most of the questions that we get here on our dear Gary broadcast at the end of the month. Most of them you've had in common counseling situations or at seminars that you've given this one may be on the on the edge you may not have had to deal with this one specifically but all of these are good questions, and if you want to ask 186-6424 Gary is our number before we take a break. Let's talk about the workplace you've written with Dr. Paul White about the love languages in the workplace. See what you think about the observations of our next caller Gary comment about a much earlier about workplace environment that she was about maybe fired to address something that I happen a lot and what had happened yet. When it one of my occasion is that if you'd heard the term mean girl.

There are women can be very, very catty, gossipy clicky towards other women and it's very very destructive it in the church is it in your workplace. It is very very common and I believe that that may be what I think that when it I don't have the victim in quality that I have had happened to me on more than one occasion, I believe account to be spiritual.

You get here targeted. If you are a Christian and I've even been targeted by other Christian women who are not very nice when you don't participate in an attempt to be the target and you can try to correct it quite like being in high cookware. I would even a junior not very mature but very mean and destructive animate have gotten fired and they don't seem to have a problem getting that even Christian. I just thought I would address that because I don't believe that man understand behavior in women because very very nice thereby. It might even be the lady that bring that dirt and all that seems beneficial for that you are behind their movie really harming other women that may II thought that that should be a correct thank you so much. I guess I'm glad the caller said those things rather than me saying those things.

She was a woman critiquing women and their behaviors you know that will take on that that task, I'm afraid I get a whole another calls if I did that, but I am sure there's some truth in what she's saying and I think there are women out there who probably say yes yes yes I've been there. Whether it's more prevalent with women than with me and I don't know know that there are also men who do some of those kind of things she was describing, wrote a book with Dr. Paul White on a toxic workplace and that's she's describing some of the characteristics in a toxic workplace where these kind of things go home. Sometimes it's a toxic leader that is just causing pain for everybody in the organization.

So if you happen to be working in a situation which is really really unpleasant and you dread going to work every day.

My will check on that book you could find it a five. Love language.com. Of course it's a toxic workplace and if you have a comment about that question 186-6424 Gary is our number. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Again, our featured resource is Dr. Chapman's new book life lessons in love languages what I've learned on my unexpected journey you can find out more about that when you go to my website.

Five level.com will. If you're unable to forgive someone, don't miss our final segment straight ahead on the radio Gary this last segment I want to do with the conversation I had with them in the colder list. Months ago and the story that he related his basically his father sexually abused him and his brother and eventually he was sent to prison. But this went on for a long long time and now his dad has been released and the caller is been through counseling. He's been trying to deal with this. The father wants a relationship of some sort, and in this son is saying I I don't know what forgiveness looks like. Hear what how I first forgive somebody who never really owned up to the wrongs they've done. He spent years in prison for what he did but I don't feel like he's ever owned it.

So what is forgiveness look like. Would you talk to that person, Chris. I think anyone who hears that story would feel deeply and be very empathetic with this adult son, you know forgiveness that I think is often misunderstood. We're told the Scriptures that we are to forgive others as God has forgiven us. The question then is how does God forgive us, well the biblical answer is if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us, God doesn't forgive everyone God forgives people who confess their sins and turn to him and God forgives them because Christ has paid the penalty for their wrongdoing. So God can still be just and holy, and yet forgive them. So if were to forgive the same way God forgives then before there can be genuine biblical forgiveness. There has to be a confession of wrong on the part of the person that that we want to forgive. It's very popular in Christian framework that Christians forgive everybody for everything they've done, whether they apologize or whether they don't we just forgive them and they say that's biblical in the use of verse that if we don't forgive others. God will forgive us that that verse is true if we have an entity where we will never forgive somebody you know we just choosing not to follow God's example. But what I would say is we seek to confront the person if they haven't come with a sincere heartfelt apology to us. We seek to confront them. So if the father is desiring a relationship of some kind with these two sons. My suggestion would be that they talk with their father. He is a person that God loves whether or not he's confessed his sin to God.

I don't know but have a conversation with him share with him the deep hurt that they have felt see how he responds. Jesus said in John seven Luke 17 if your brother has sinned against you.

You go rebuke him and if he repents you forgive him, so you can take the initiative to do that with your father sounds like he's open to a conversation and in which you you share with him the pain and hurt and all that.

This is because in your life and if he if he has a genuine response of genuine confession of wrongdoing and wants to be forgiven, then with the help of God. Yes, you can forgive him. Even though what he did is been extremely painful for you in your life. And forgiveness means that you're going to pardon him. You know, make him pay for this. He's already paid you know to society for what he did criminally. But you're not going to make and pay for this you going to forgive him go to pardon him and you're gonna you're gonna remove the barrier and be open to some type of relationship. It may not be close. There may never be a close relationship, but at least you can talk to him on the phone maybe you can visit from time to time, and so forth. But I think to me that's the approach on your side. That's the approach to take is to have open, honest conversation if you and your brother will do it together. To me, that would be ideal if you feel like you'd rather do it in the presence of a counselor or pastor that would be fine as well, but it but to say I'm just going to forgive him. You know what because Chrissy said that he said the father never really owned the wrong that is done and that that's why I just think it's not biblical forgiveness. When you when you do that now you can release the person and I think that's that's biblical then release your herd and release your anger to God, and you put them in God's hands and you say Lord you know I confronted my father you know and what I've done everything I know to do and that he is not willing to repent. He's not willing to acknowledge what he did in the pain he calls somebody turning over to you and RM on releasing to you. And that's precisely what Jesus did you know it says that the Peter says when they railed against Jesus.

He didn't radio back.

He committed himself to the one who judges righteously. He turned him over to the father and we can turn them over to the father and release them and release our anger and release hurt and we can move on with our lives. To me that's the biblical approach I heard in his voice just the struggle. He said I still in he's had panic attacks either through his life. He citizen getting getting better. My wife is helping counselors have helped him, but even in discussing, you know, just talking on the phone about what it happened you could just tell that he was having to take you know a few more breaths in order to kind of calm down a little bit because he said I'll have these flashbacks and house. I still have nightmares and I like my dad is chasing me and so this is this is not something that happens overnight is a long process and it takes other people coming alongside and I think that's what you'd say to anybody who's going through something like that. Now to to to receive help for this right yes and that's why I think it's good that he has been getting counseling and I would suggest this will be a good time to reengage with that counselor if he hasn't seen them for a while and share where he is in the journey you and let them help him also walk through this process. If there's going to be any possibility of a relationship in the future when next week.

Gary, I will put you in the hot seat. I am going to grill you about everything about your life about the bully that came to the bus stop and who pressed his finger in your chest and if you did that or not. And he asked you a question that you felt so guilty in the way that you answered the same thing about that right now you gotta come back next week and hear this but all will be told in one week. Right will share as much as you want to Chris as much as we have to fully conclude you can leave a question for Dr. Chapman 186-6424 Gary 186-6144 Gary any question or comment about something we've heard today. Love you and don't forget to check out her featured resources will talk about next week. Life lessons and love language what I've learned on my expected journey can find out more.

Five love languages.com join us next will be help thank you today to time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, thanks for the