Dear Gary-July

Help and hope for your relationships coming up today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman.

Mental health.

Feel like I'm gone.

My husband never can seem to remember are waiting anniversary on earth I will know their love languages, welcome relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" dates are July dear Gary broadcast the makeup of the one we visited June questions count their author, pastor and are best, like Dr. Gary Chapman's house ready for your questions and comments coming in over the past few weeks.

Gary we are July 3 fourth of July holiday this week.

You will you start your save words about the experiment that continues to grow, United States of America crews are going to anyone that has a sense of history to look back. Gratitude the birth of this nation and I live in one of the oldest villages in the country of Salem started to live in Winston-Salem but Salem was actually started by the Moravians way back in the 1700s, the so here is a deep appreciation for history, the town where I live and I think all Americans look back in your same time. I think all of us struggle with where we are today and I think it calls for us to recommit ourselves to be a land of freedom the home and asked for God's hand upon our nation and if anyone's going to lead the way it's going to be Christians and I think if we can lead the way in terms of loving others and looking for unity rather than divisiveness, which are so many of us since the we would be moving in the right direction to turn things back to what we dreamed of. Truly the land of the free and home of the brave and the end to celebrate. That doesn't mean that we don't look at the hard times and the mistakes that have been made, the past we're here that's what that's why the gospel is so important, I think, is because we we we aren't perfect, and we can't make ourselves perfect, but with God's power working in us. We can be a force for good in the world absolutely Christian.

I think that's that's God's desire and we are here to help people get ready for another world. We keep our our focus on what we're here for. Because nations rise and nations fall and we don't want to be a part of our nation falling with the same time our allegiance, our ultimate allegiance is to God.

And yes, as a nation. Those of us think a thoughtful look back and realize sure there were mistakes let made along the way serious mistakes but along the way but you know every generation chooses the road they're going to follow and my prayer is that this generation will will choose to look back to the foundations of the Scriptures because many of the fundamental principles in terms of the organization. This nation are based on the scriptural principles will as we celebrate our independence and the freedom that we have we. We thank those who've gone before us who have paid the price for that freedom. And may we steward it well. Everything we do here the program. Gary is we feature resource each week.

Today it's the book you wrote was Shannon Worden, the do-it-yourself guide the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life, you find it@ 5lovelanguages.com. This is basically as practical as you can get a how-to guide for relationship building right what it is that Chris teamed up with Dr. Worden who is a counselor and who has children still at home and I want to write with someone who was right in the midst of all that because all of us want to have healthy marriages and healthy families, and this this is a practical book on many many topics related to that something anyone, especially those who have children still at home will find this book to be a very practical book and a lot of practical ideas in terms of how to relate to children as well as to the spouse. Find out more about that@ 5lovelanguages.com begin the DIY guide to building a family that lasts just go to five love languages.com Gary we have a lot of love language questions for you today on this dear Gary broadcast this one tops them all. I think this go make you smile is our first caller Gary 21-year-old male. Mental health since the time I was around 13, for various reasons. I have trouble expressing my feelings and concerns with my family and I often resort to schooling myself whenever my emotions run high last night in casual conversation with members of my family led to me taking their love language quiz and that I found out that rather than having one primary love language.

They do quality time. Words of affirmation and physical touch.

For me, each take around 30% of my results. And because of this.

I'm wondering if you can answer what this could mean for me and how one might utilize this information to improve lifestyle. Thank you.

Well you know it's interesting and encouraging 21-year-old man struggle with the mental health through the years is trying to learn if we have a learning attitude. Whatever our disability or struggles we can grow.

We can change and I think whatever our mental state.

We all are humans made in the image of God, and we have a need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives and where we are healthy or unhealthy. It helps us to understand what are the kind of things that make me genuinely feel love.

So quality time and words of affirmation physical touch of those three are pretty similar for the caller which is what I gather from what he said think along those terms. How can you take initiative and having quality time with people think of someone that you really love just to have a lunch with and spend quality time with him around lunch. Are you in and seek to speak these two other people and the significant people in your life if you learn their love language and it will normally be one will be more predominant than the others and you start speaking their love language to members of your family. For example, they see you reaching out to them. They're more likely to reciprocate because love stimulates love. So you can't make people spend quality time with your give you words of affirmation or affirming touches.

But when you reach out to love others. First of all, it engages you and something that's really important you're helping meet the need of those other family members and as well as friends you may have outside the family and encourage you to make the most of the concept in terms of reaching out for others and likely they'll say what can we do for you.

You can suggest will hear about love languages so these are the three that may most of me, and chances are you'll find they begin to do that and you will begin to feel more loved.

I love that he saw this, too, in the context of relationship units that we were talking around, and so I suggested this. So I went and and he said you know us, including himself as one of the things that that he does to kinda cope with this. So when he secluded himself. He even got online and took this quiz so there's just a whole Lotta hope there and I just want to thank you 21-year-old who called in for listening to that and having your eyes open. I just think that's really positive yet. I think I would encourage them to read their singles addition, if a single assume that it probably is the five leveling to single sedation because it talks about how this concept applies to all of your relationships.

You know your siblings. If you have brothers and sisters, your parents, people that you might work with are preprinted. You may have a church think you'd find it helpful.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Thanks for joining us for our rare July edition of our dear Gary broadcast if you got a five love languages.com you'll see our featured resource.

The book written by Dr. Gary Chapman and Shannon Worden, the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life just got a five love languages.com Gary, here's a letter actually that came in from a listener who said I'm a long time listener first-time emailer. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. Come August and we are both born-again believers, we have done everything biblical to keep this marriage together.

My husband has been diagnosed with bipolar manic depression and OCD with hoarding issues. We got as far as seeking psychiatry, but he refused to take medication. We gave it all to God, and we gone through many friends, pastors, Christian and secular counselors through our years of marriage.

I'm very sad to say I'm done. I am numb and I have filed for divorce. My family and friends have been totally supportive and don't understand how I've lived this long with him. My love is died and things he has done and said have been replaying in my mind throughout the stormy season in our lives what I want to know. Dr. Chapman is wise mental abuse not considered a cause or biblical reason for divorce. Could it be that when the Bible was written. Mental abuse was not as noticed or accepted as this is today.

I pray multiple times a day and constantly ask God for forgiveness that I'm only human. I can't put myself through this abuse any longer. Please help ease my mind to know that I'm doing the right thing by making sure that my husband seeks medical, psychological counseling takes medic medication that he's agreed to now, but this is all too late for me. By the way, we have no children together, respectfully and thankful for you what he said Chris you have to identify with the pain of this wife and through the years I've worked with many many individuals.

Sometimes it's a wife who has been abused verbally in other ways. Sometimes it's been a husband and sometimes there's mental problems which is described here sometimes is not, not a mental issue. I think there does come a point when you're just over and over and over, abused abuse to be used, whether it's verbal abuse or wethers, physical abuse, there comes a point in which love doesn't simply sit there and receive that kind of abuse. The loving thing is to say I love you too much to stay here and do nothing while you destroy me and certainly doesn't help you to be doing what you're doing so understand how you can get to that point of separation. My own feeling is that there it can be an act of love to separate from a spouse like that and what you're saying is you now I've got to take a step here because I can't go on like this. So it is two things. One is for your own well-being because essentially you get destroyed yourself. But secondly, it often is the thing that stimulates the other person to get the help they need and she said that as a matter fact now that she has decided to move toward divorce. He's willing to go back and see a psychiatrist and take the medication and that of the things that she describes medication to be very helpful in these particular situations that she describes so I would just encourage this.

Don't rush into divorce use. The separation is a time to do for you to restore yourself and and get your own equilibrium back emotionally and spiritually and physically. And if indeed he follows through with this, and he begins to take his meds and things began to clear up for him. He can be a different person and in six months or a year down the road you may well find you know this is amazing what's happening him so I would just say don't rush to divorce understand. In some cultures separation is essential is essentially divorce on our stay in North Carolina you have to be separated a year before we can get a divorce, which I think is a wonderful law because it gives you time to see what's going to happen in you and in him, so that would be that would be my encouragement certainly can be an act of love to separate from a spouse. As you described, but I would just say, walk, walk slowly, don't run to divorce. If you have a question. When asked if Dr. Chapman or you want to respond to something that you hear on today's program. Here's her number 866424 Gary 186-6424 Gary the forgetful husband. What you do is our next caller years and never can seem to remember that yet. I jump we spoke about it for a day and acknowledged will obviously one's spouse doesn't recognize and honor wedding anniversary.

Something is going wrong either. He got severe mental problems in terms of not being able remember our he doesn't see the importance of it now know to the to the spouse. That was a why would he not see the importance of it, but people either personalities different patterns of thinking and that we don't always view things, having the same significance, but I think you have a valid question then, and the fact that you brought up a few days before then. He still forgets it. I would say begin with an honest open conversation with him and say honey I don't know I'm just trying to figure out why you don't ever acknowledge our anniversary. You don't ever want to celebrate our anniversary is it that you hate me or is it that you regret that we didn't get married is, or is it that you regret that we got married. I'm just trying to understand this as I know there's gotta be something in some reason for this is it, what you're doing when you take that approach, you're asking him to try to think and try to explain to you why he has behave the way he has behaved he may open up, I may not open up, but at least you're making it easy for him to express whatever might be going on inside his mind and heart that he is never shared with you in the past and so then I would say having having done that, and let them have whatever response he has been you would say to him, honey.

Do you understand how important this is to me understand that what you said it's not important to you. You don't view it as something super important. But to me it's super important.

So can I request that next time we have anniversary.

We actually do something together even if this is simple as going out and having dinner together. You know, if you take the initiative to do that and if you want I'll be happy to put a little sticker you know the window you have five days in our anniversary, four days in our anniversary, three days if that would be helpful to you but I just want you to understand how important this is to me and if you don't take initiative to do something you're really communicating to me that you don't let me you don't care about how I feel. So I just want you to understand how important it is to me so you're really kind of you not badgering him.

You're just being honest with him, you first ask his advice. Trying to understand him and then you're making a request and volunteering to give clues to help it bring it to his mind if he would like for you to do that to me, that would be the approach and that if he doesn't respond to that.

I would say the next step would be honey. I don't how you feel but I'm going to go for marriage counseling because I've shared this with you. You know how I feel. And here again you did not even do anything for our anniversary, so if you want to go with me a be fine if you don't I'm going to go for marriage counseling because of gotta have help with the hurt feeling inside and the fact that you take that approach, he may well go with you. If not you had a counselor help you think through what might be your next apps sued in both of these cases, the last email that I read and then this anniversary issue this the wife is taking care of herself in this situation and is and I didn't hear in that last call the universe recall a lot of your victory all or I just hear hurt and I just your pain from it and so by doing what you just said she's taking care of herself and and she's going to do what she needs to do to of been with her power she can't control him so she can do what she needs to do right yeah exactly right. She can't make him do something that he is not inclined to do, but she can share her hurt with him and typically, if a husband really senses that the wife is not condemning him but that she is simply sharing her hurting her pain and her deep desire for him to express to her that he cares about her. I wonder if the John Trent of Vincent word picture unit comes aligned and anything that I don't want to gild him but yet is like you remember the fishing trip the you look forward to for six months that you had planned and who knows of the unity selects fishing or the ballgame.

Maybe this is a that's the other question I had with this is another thing that happens to him you at work or in in the rest of his life that he doesn't remember some of the significant things he doesn't know that it has to have reminders from other people. I don't know but I think that's good advice from Dr. Gary Chapman. This is their dear Gary on July 3 is a great we can have a deer Gary in July and here's another question a love language question from a spouse who wants to love her husband Mark right shoulder and carry encourage that this life is wanting to express love to her husband wanting to meet his love me and sister struggling with how to do that in a busy world I would say this. First of all, there has to be some quantity time in order to have quality time. You can't just necessarily sit down for five minutes a week and have real quality time with no quantity of time so I would say first of all, discuss with him. Are there some things that we could do in our lifestyle that would make more time for you and I to have time with each other that is and him share ideas and you share ideas. Maybe get your pencil and paper and men began to write them down. For example, maybe we can get a babysitter to come in one night a week and just sit with the kids for two or three hours while we go out to dinner together just the two of us. For example, that may really appeal to him to miss out. Would love to do that I would be happy to pay for a babysitter. If we could do that because that gives you three hours. That's quantity and all, and quality because there's nobody there but the two of you. You don't neither of your worry about the kids because there will cared for, but there are ways in which even a busy lifestyle that we can have quality time with each other and so I would just look for those ideas write those ideas down and then begin to try some of because we all have the same amount of time 24 hours a day. Okay. Obviously, when we have children in the home.

They require a lot of that time but we have time to have a loving caring marriage and if quality time is one of the spouses love languages we together can make quality time and make enough quantity time in which we can have the quality time so I hope will be helpful but I think as you throw out ideas with each other. You'll find some things that will allow you to spend more quantity and quality time so communication is key there is any that's in all of these calls and questions that we've had thus far to be able to communicate with that other person then and get to the deeper level is really important thing now. Talk about a deeper level.

Gary you you know I have done this program and we had our questions come in through the years. I don't know that we've ever received this specific question from a listener who is a seasoned citizen God whenever I say that the people they now now now you can't be a mistake from God. I feel feel that way on senior center thing. That's the way it's been all my life. I have a hard time on impossible time Building Relationships with people. It's hard for me to stay focused my mind wanders constantly at.

That's why I like doing physical things. I think life is physical, eating, sleeping, and says court thinking I had to hear from you on the broadcast… I hear her wonder how many senior citizens may have similar feelings to this lady, particularly if they're not married, and she may be married or she may have been married but it sounds like she's alone really and they live their whole life and have struggled with having meaningful relationships and cognition are the reasons for that, you know, if we could dig back into her childhood and early years in the relationship. She had or didn't have with her parents. We might find the root of what she's feeling, you know, through her adult life, but relationships are really at the heart of finding meaning in life, me first of all, is our relationship with God, nothing is more important than that.

And if I were talking with her. I like to ask you where where is your relationship with God. You and God have a close relationship that's the starting place.

I would think and if if she's got a fuzzy on that.

I was like why don't you contact the pastor or some Christian that you know this. Let them sit in with you and go over again what it means to have a relationship with God.

I think assuming that there is some relationship with God. The fact that you had the struggle through the years and have never been able to solve these things indicates that there is something deeply rooted either in your mental storehouse or your emotional storehouse that is influenced to through all these years, and whether there's physical help and whether there's medication that could be helpful for some of that. I don't know that had to be explored. But I'm glad you called and I wish I had a more definitive answer for you but the reality is there some unknowns there that make it very difficult for me to speak directly to your situation. I like when she said she can reveal a little bit of her life to say, I thought I physical, but the my life is physical and I wonder if because she feels like she's a mistake of when I first heard that the very first thing is, no, no, no you're not a mistake. That's what everybody tells me what to tell her that this is the way she feels so she's in touch with that.

I wonder if getting involved in somebody else's life. Maybe a young person's life. You know if she likes gardening or doing something that she could teach or cooking or or anything that has that tactile feel of coming alongside somebody else and teaching them how to do what she can do intuitively if that wouldn't bring some help to her as well as the younger person or whoever it is that she's helping. I like Chris because in giving we find meaning in life, so she would be giving something of her skills or abilities to others, and along with that.

It might be such things as volunteering to work in some social organizations or religious group in her community that's trying to help people because you know when we feel sorry for ourselves, which is kind of what I hear her saying you know that fit that even God doesn't care about her and we feel cut off and we don't find meaning in life meaning is failed in serving other people.

Even Jesus said he didn't come to be served. He came to serve and so if she could reach out in her community and find a way that she can serve other people who are in need.

I think she began to find more meaning in her own life. This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. Find out more online@ 5lovelanguages.com we have some great resources for you a way to assess your own lab language you can download the love not jab find our featured resource. Dr. Chapman's book he wrote with Shannon Warden titled the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life just got a five love languages.com will what will Gary say to this caller who just doesn't understand the whole love language concept cannot understand or certainly doubt know how to figure out what someone else's covering of Alec is identical to appeal to somebody else's lap language. I really know about thing I did not make it more I read your book and I'm sorry I still don't think Eli I'm looking for your explanation… First of all of us am glad that you started reading the book and I would just encourage you to read the whole book just maybe by the time he finished you will get the picture.

Okay the central idea is that each of us has one way of expressing that speaks more deeply to us than the others in terms of how do you discover somebody else's primary love language.

All five of them are good. You can use any five speak and really wanted to be helpful, but to be even more helpful if you know what their primary love language is.

Here's a couple ways observe their behavior.

If they're always giving other people words of affirmation, it's probably their language because we tend to speak to others what we would like to receive ourselves are, if the one your friends is always giving people gifts and gifts is probably what she would desire to receive in the same thing true with you. How do you relate to people that you care about you give encouraging words. You give gifts or do you give that pats on the back or hooks the people you see this look at your own life and how you express your care and concern for other people and then secondly, what you complain about most often if you're saying to someone else's spouse or someone else you.

I just wish we had more time together. I feel like we just we just don't see each other that much your begging for quality time you complain that you don't get quality time. So what you complain about in that what you request most often of other people.

If you're asking people for example regularly. Can we take a walk together.

Can we have dinner together. You're asking for quality time after saying to a husband, for example, could you give me a back rub your asking for physical touch. So you put those three things together. Observe your behavior. How you respond to others at what you complain about and what you request of others most often it'll tell you your primary language that when you get to the end of the book there is a quiz in the book. You can also go online and take it as a free quiz@ 5lovelanguages.com and you make those choices over two things if you had a choice of two things.

Which one would you choose and it goes through the love languages and it will tell you your primary love language. The one that secondly secondarily important and one is least important to you so don't give up the concept. This help millions of people, so don't give up on it and that when you do discover it and get it and see how it works. You call back and tell us okay. I would love to be in this studio. Hearing that when she called anybody who calls at 866424 Gary and in their question says how on earth we don't put that on the just be honest, thank you for that.

186-6424 Gary leave a message, you might hear an answer on the future dear Gary broadcast Gary a lot of couples go through a period of separation in order to reconcile and restore. We talked a little bit about that earlier. Here's our next caller's question her. Now I can take a state and my children. I just want to know what you have or at night For me. He doesn't want to let together. He is intrigued by reconciling fire escape down thinking Always sympathetic with couples who were separated because obviously there was a lot of pain and hurt before the separation because we don't just walk away from each other when things are going well. So always sympathetic with that. I also encourage couples to make the most of the separated time that is individually read books on marriage read books on separated you and I wrote a book.

Now it's called one more try what to do when your marriage is falling apart and it deals with separation and how to make the most of separation that is learned things about yourself when you look back in the relationship wanted your spouse complain about and why. Why do you think they were complaining about that learned things about yourself and look at your communication patterns and site we how do we get there we were so if each of you would do that. The caller seem to indicate that her husband wasn't willing or even wanted to move toward reconciliation, but if he read some books that I know some men don't read books and they won't read books if it would even the love language book that we talk about so often on this program if he would read that I have an idea he would be able to say to himself all. Now I see what happened now I see how we got to this point, I think you would find hope in that so you can't make it read a book, but you can maybe ask if you'd read the first chapter if you get started.

Maybe you read the rest of it, but up. I do think it's good that you're moving back closer together so you can spend more time with each other and with your children.

Children are extremely important and we were separated we meet we need to make every effort to spend as much time as we can with those children because children need the contact with a mom and a dad.

So the more either of you can do to be cordial to each other to be kind to each other not to be argumentative not to put each other down the presence of the children, but to express love to those children and their love language because the children desperately need to fill love separation is a really really hard time for children and I would also encourage him maybe encourage him to get counseling that you can only encourage you can't make that happen. But if a friend of his rate rather than you could suggest that to him and given the name and contact of a good counselor in the area where he lives, he may accept it more from a friend then maybe from you.

Depending on how he feels about you. At this point, there are some people who would say don't ever get separated, don't get separated because I just gone lead you to eventually to divorce you disagree with that. So talk to the couple right now and they been struggling for a while and there's one who feels like. I think we need to to be a part for a certain amount of time what under what circumstances do you suggest separation.

Well, for one uneasy one is when there's physical or emotional abuse. You know it can be very very helpful. I work with many many couples through the years were one of them is been physically or emotionally, verbally abused over a period of time, and they choose separation as an act of love and say you I love you too much to do nothing.

I know I can't change you, but I can't sit here and let you do this to me and especially in the front of our children and so you take that step.

It's a loving step and sometimes it's in the separated time that both of you will be willing to share a book together or go to a counselor together and if if both of you are willing to go for counseling while you're separated. That will be the ideal and that's where I've seen the most success is when the couple agrees were separated. We don't know where this is going, but we are at least going to reach out and get whatever help we can from accounts or listen.

Counselors are trained to help people who are struggling and I would encourage a Christian counselor because a Christian counselor has biblical perspectives and principles that will help you and so if you do that there is there is a good possibility you're going to move toward reconciliation when you're separated I like to picture picture it this way when you're separated you're in the hallway and there's a door on either end of that hallway and over one of those doors it says reconciliation over the other door. It says divorce and when you're separated, you will eventually walk through one of those doors and what you do while you're in that hallway will determine which of those doors you walk through and that's why I encourage people to go for counseling while you're in the hallway, you're far more likely to end up walking through the door marked reconciliation.

If you're getting help so that that's my encouragement which takes us to this question and this is representative of a lot of people who have called in. Over the years of so here's our final call for this segment and find out where they might be some Christian counselors I started to look through the template.

It's always nice to know whether that Christian counselors are in this area. I think very grateful very difficult for me to communicate with him or him to communicate with me.

He's very angry at me. I really don't know what is called for, but I think that there is something going on there grown folks, this is a 50 year old person that when talking about so I want to go. I finally made it my man I needed to go in and see whether or not I can get this issue on the burner and taken care. Thank you so very much pain and that mother's heart. It's always too docile that is ostracized from the parent in terms of locating a Christian counselor if you will go online to the American Association of Christian counselors, maybe even a ACC would get you there. American Association of Christian counselors on their website.

There's a place where you can put in your ZIP Code and it will tell you the Christian counselors that are in your area.

Now another approach would be to call church in the near you one that you trust and ask the pastor of the staff whom do they recommend as a counselor in your area because most pastors and an church that they know who the Christian counselors are in their community and they would be happy to refer you and give you contact information. I think you are wise to be looking for counselor because if you can make initial contact with the counselor and let the counselor hear your story and then say to your son, you know, I just want to learn. I'm trying to learn what I need to do and I'm going for counseling.

Would you be willing to see my counselor and give give him or her your perspective on how we got to where we are and sometimes they will be willing to do that because your you're not.

You're just giving them an opportunity to tell their side and once the counselor hears both sides of the story, then they will be able to help you.

Hopefully both of you are open to take steps to reconciliation so call church ask for help go to the American Association of Christian counselors website Focus on the Family after doing a lot of work with them also.

They also have a list of places around the country. Counselors around the country that they can give you seeking go to their website or call their number Focus on the Family so there are some ideas for you and I want you glad Gary that she called and she asked that question. Absolutely Chris because you just to sit there, things don't get reconcile with the passing of time.

If there's reconciliation. We had to take steps that lead to that. Thanks for listening to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman. It's our dear Gary broadcast for July featuring your calls. If you have a question you want Dr. Chapman to address here on the program call and leave a message on our listener line.

We will call you back.

But if you leave your question will try to address it here just call us at 186-6424 Gary 866424 Gary our featured resource@ 5lovelanguages.com is the book Dr. Chapman route with Shannon Warden. It's titled the DIY guide to building a family that lasts 12 tools for improving your home life. Find out more at 5lovelanguages.com.

Now here's a call from someone is concerned about the situation with her boyfriend Gary about eight years for either they know all relationship and now he is more into guide at baseline to guide and he feel guilty about living together in a knot larva per se other relationship and like back and now I would like to be at high. I eat backbiting now thinking that going to hell because you give me present this color to say first of all, according to the Bible we feel for doing bad things. The only people who spend eternity away from God are people who reject God they say to themselves, I'm not going follow God. I'm not going to learn who God is and what God is saying I'm just going live my own life and then God doesn't make us believe in him and follow him. He gives us freedom to walk away from him. It appears it was happened is your husband somewhere along the line made a choice to start walking toward God and so his life is beginning to change, and he's now taken seriously. The teachings of the Bible about human relationships and the Scriptures are pretty clear that the sexual intercourse. For example, is reserved for husbands and wives, and sexual intercourse outside of marriage is is not pleasing to God.

So he's he's trying now to get his bring his life and in keeping with what the Bible teaches. So if you understand where he's coming from. It's really a good thing that he's turning to God and I would say that that it would be wonderful if you would reach out and talk to a pastor or if you know of a strong Christian friend somewhere and to say hey can you help me understand what's going on with my boyfriend. Maybe I need to be moving closer to God because this in the deepest satisfaction in life is having a relationship with God. And when you have or both of you have a relationship with God and both of you are asking him to guide your life together. You go to find the deepest satisfaction and it may well lead to your marriage you down the road so I would just say use this crisis as it were in your life to think in terms of MI willing to start moving toward God rather than just like ignoring God and God's plans are always best everything the Bible says don't do this because he loves us and if he says do this is because he loves us so I would just make this a learning experience.

If I were you to use the phrase spiritual marriage will be in a spiritual marriage, and I don't know what that means. To some it means you know one thing I looked it up online and there a lot of different things from Eastern religions and those types of things that will define that. But is there a unit.

If you have been together for eight years and you're living together it's you know you have been down a paved long trail together.

What would if if both of them were sitting before you, what would you say to them right now personal Chris I like to know the whole background of the story and how they came together and what is the nature of their relationship now because she said it's more like were living the same house were like brothers and sisters which makes me ask are they not sexually involved with each other than just living together. So I would like to know the whole story before I would go very far down the road in terms of you know what I would suggest Gary let me when he asked this before we end here today say there's couple listening in their married and they been married long time and one of the spouses that they're getting more interested in God there moving closer to God or doing church more than reading the Bible more and the other spouse is saying what in the world is going on here. There's that there's something happening I don't understand. What would you say that person I was a personal understand how you would be concerned because they worked spiritual. They weren't religious when you're married in here. Now all of a sudden they're low over a few weeks or months here they've gotten into quote the religion thing in your mind. That's what it sounds like and looks like, so I'm very empathetic with the question marks.

It would be in your mind, but I would just say this is crises like that. It often helps us turn in a different direction in our lives. And if your spouse is finding a relationship with God meaningful in your seeing positive changes in their life which is typically what happens if a person really is walking with God there positive changes that are taking place. And if you're seeing that happen. I would say why don't you explore the possibility. Maybe there's something more for you in this whole spiritual area and I would I would begin to reach out and certainly talk with your spouse, let them explain what they're learning about ask if there's a group in a church maybe for people who are who have questions. In fact, many churches do have small groups of people who are not Christians but they're interested in learning what Christianity is all about. So I would I would try to make it a learning experience rather than just rebelling against it and say I didn't sign up for this religious stuff. Maybe keep your heart open to the possibility that there's something here that you haven't discovered listen we didn't determine where we were born and whether we were raised in a Christian framework or not Christian framework and we grew up in a totally secular home. Then we have an idea that this anything religious or spiritual is something we don't get involved in but the reality is the happiest people in the world.

Those are like the greatest impact for good in our world are those who do have a relationship with God.

I would encourage you to make this time at time of exploration and just see where it leads you see, there is again the communication to be able to sit down and simply say can you explain to me what what what what is it that you are going through, and then listen and ask follow-up questions.

Let's our conversation for today. Thank you for joining us and if you want to add your voice. The program called question 186-6424 Gary make a comment about something you heard today 186-6424 Gary and go to the website you see your future resource Shannon Horton DIY guide family that lasts. Find five love languages next week. A fun conversation. A conversation about a treasure love story and old country song can fix help your relationship, find out in one week.

Big thank you to our connection team time Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman production radio in Chicago, a ministry. Thanks for listening