How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage: Together in Love

Today's episode of a new beginning is brought to you by harvest partners, helping people everywhere know God. Learn more@harvest.org and while you're there, browse our library of free e-books designed to help you grow in your faith marriage is simply so because we go to a marriage thinking about all our needs. We never stop the problem help for marriages. Pastor Greg Laurie helps us diagnose and treat marital so you go to sell business itself was 50-50. Divorce marriages are dividing everything, giving everything you've got to the beginning. Greg Laurie hope to see how divorce or marriages where culture tries to unravel the family very fabric of you to work hard getting ourselves together. The love of God this message as part of popular teaching series called home sweet home very long.

Here's the amazing thing. I still remember vividly like a video loop in my mind Walking down the aisle.

She didn't really look all the different budget looks now as a matter of fact she was a vision, then why I look like one of the guys from Duck Dynasty. You know what underneath that she could see that underneath all of that hair was a bald man and that pretty much what's he got what you know you stop and think about marriage after we say I do, there's a lot more to be done any of the think you're done you're finished. It's been said that love is a dream, then marriage is the alarm clock.

One of the problems is when we see marriages start to unravel. It isn't usually overnight its over a period of time when there is neglect just like your garden. If you neglect your garden grow over with weeds. If you don't take care of your body, your sin that I have problems and if you neglect your marriage it will slowly but surely die a one comedian said, quote the secret of a happy marriage remains secret sex through them or are there actual secrets in the Bible. Why believe there are. I also think there are things that are threats to our marriage and I would like to identify some of those in this message.

How to divorce prove your marriage and of the Bible says in the song of Solomon chapter 2 verse 15. It's the little boxes that spoil the vine.

It's always little things left neglected that ultimately turned into big things that can ultimately be become destructive things in your marriage. So what are some of the threats against our marriage today. Number one I think the number one threat against our marriages, simply selfishness. If you were to sum up, why people of marital problems that would be because of selfishness.

If you were to pick one word to describe why am marriage ultimately fall apart again. It would be selfishness because we go to a marriage honestly thinking that it's all about us and that person is going to meet all of our needs and we never stop and think maybe the problem is me and James for two we read these words what you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from. You think they just happen.

Think again they come about because you want your own way and you fight for it deep inside of yourself, but it we want our own way. We want her to do what we want her to do and she wants the guide to do what she wants Kim to do and of course we live in a culture that's completely self absorbed by generation, the baby boomers were described as the me generation. Another thing this new generation call the millennial is the me me generation. How is that even possible. More self absorbed and we were and I think were partly responsible because of the whole inane self love movement self-esteem movement that gained popularity back in the 70s.

We were told that the reason we have all the problems in our culture today is because we don't love ourselves enough and if we would learn to love ourselves more than that everything would go much better and so there was all this emphasis on self-image and self-love in so far then didn't fix things though actually made things worse. One experts" the problem is that when people try to both self-esteem they boosted narcissism instead. All that self-esteem led people to be disappointed when the world refused to affirm how great they know they are you know so it's sort of the mentality of there's no losers.

Everybody's a winner know there's losers like when I go to my grandchildren's games like soccer games up so what's the score were not keeping score croaks, please really meant some guide to fortitude. You know psych, we need to keep score. We need to give our grades. People succeed. People fail. That's true in life and that's also true in marriage and this started a long time ago in the Garden of Eden. The origins of sin and selfishness and a focus on ourselves are a result of the fall. After the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden is very important because God said something to them that is often misunderstood verse that is not grasped in its original context.

After Adam and Eve fell into sin. The Lord said to Eve in Genesis 316. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. By the way, that's not a positive thing. Remember, as a result of the fall and the curse now here is what God is saying.

From this point on the your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you. So don't ever use that as a proof text guys of you're trying to get order about five should rule over you know that was an observation about the results of sin that would follow the choice about them in the well. I say that will interestingly the word desire as an your desire will be for your husband actually means to compel birds or seek control over you. It's the same word that is used in Genesis 471 God worn team sin is crouching at your door desires to have you.

That is control you but you must master it got missing losing team sin. Once the master you. You must master sin. So coming back to the work. Your desire read will be for your husband. In other words, got missing from this point on, you're going to want to control your husband and then when God said to Adam, and you will rule over heard them also was a word that actually was unique and represented authoritarianism that was not in God's original plan. This is not the servant leadership that the husband should be displaying but rather, it's a guy wanting to dominate a woman so you could effectively say the battle of the sexes began in the garden male chauvinism and women's liberation. If you will started there in the garden. Women have a sinful inclination to control men. Men have a sinful inclination to control women and neither of those is God's original plan. So that's the origin of all of this. It's selfishness. But we don't need to love ourselves.

We arty do love ourselves you love yourself I love myself. And so when the Bible says love your neighbor as yourself that something learn to love yourself person. Love your neighbor. It says hey in the original Greek gods implied you already love your self so love your neighbor that much at least that of course in Ephesians 528 husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves him self so it's not that we need to love ourselves that we need to love someone else more than we love ourselves, or at least as much as we love ourselves. In Philippians tells us, don't be selfish.

Instead, be thinking of others is better than your self. Don't think about your own affairs will be interested in others so one of the primary threats against marriage. Today is selfishness and the antidote to selfishness is self less master Greg Laurie will have the second half of his just a moment, everybody Greg Laurie here encouraging you to join us as we give her what we call harvest that home it's worship. It's a message of the word of God. You can watch it with your family and your front room or you can watch it on the go on your tablet on your phone or your computer. Take it with you. Take the word of God with you.

Join us for harvested home harvest what were talking today about those things that threaten marriages. Pastor Greg is helping his divorce proof are marriages. There's another threat against our marriages communication breakdown communication breakdown in a survey that was taken among divorced couples, they were asked why did your marriage fail 86% said efficient communication, honey men and women. We are so different from each other the way we even communicate. You know the conversation between a man and a woman, a guy will stop in the say you know what you want to go out for dinner and Josie will want to go to this place and you want to start learning how to read between the lines, with women just last night my wife was saying I want to go to dinner is a great what he want to go.

She said you decide is a good list will get sushi I want sushi okay go to that place. It has a really great to know II know one hamburger okay let's go over to this other place and no I don't want to go there while let's go to the Mexican yeah that's what I want to go. Why did you just say that in the first place. She told me that you only see she had her will. I mean it's sort of like you know when a Amana wiper talking to different things are heard.

She says let's stop and ask for direction and he hears her say you're an idiot. You don't know where you're going or not even a man she says can I have the remote control and he heard her say let's watch something that will bore you beyond belief. I can't believe some of the things Kathy wants watch site were complete opposites in every way. She says I like to redecorate. He hears her safe. Let's take a whole bunch of money and just flush it down the toilet.

Just like that. She says you know you need to get in touch with your healing. He hears her say blah blah blah blah. She says are you listening hears her safe. Blah blah blah blah yes so this is part of the problem. Communication breakdown.

Look, you're going to have conflicts in marriage, you can have disagreements.

So you have to learn how to have a fair fight you up to learn and I don't mean coming to fisticuffs. I'm talking about a disagreement. You have to learn how to disagree agreeably that ultimately find some kind of solution and resolution that I believe the guy should be the one that takes point in that. So you have to learn how to listen. What is it that is the problem exactly because you know that I will us to grow his wife. In particular, what's wrong to think nothing but you know something's wrong so you don't accept that answer. You really have to take some time and find out. Listen to her understand what she's saying listen to him understand what he is saying and never let it get elevated to shouting and screaming about the Bible tells us get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander and instead forgive one another. So don't elevated tone escalated de-escalated resolve it and then once he just said their piece. Now it's time to forgive one another and again, as the Scripture says let not the sun go down on your wrath. Listen to this fight to resolve not to win. If you go to the disagreement to when you've already lost hears 1/3 threat against marriages and this is a big one. Adultery. Adultery is such a big deal and make God stop 10 and saddling every one of us listening to this message knows at least one couple if not more that have had their marriage devastated by adultery. Think of how many marriages would still be together today. If this one sin was not committed just if America alone stop committing this sin for a year which changed the face of our nation. How many families would still be together. How many people would still be loving each other and then this is get passed on from generation to generation.

I heard about a young pastor was listening to a visiting evangelist in this church and the guy was speaking in and the evangelist said you know some of the happiest moments of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife is kind of a pause, and people are shocked and then the guy says and that woman was my mother. Everyone laughs okay get another man's wife. You happy moments in his mom's arms and so the young pastor said I got a use outline so couple months past. He thought I would use it in the survey said you know some of the happiest moments of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife. Then he forgot the punchline for the life of me I can't remember who she was. What I didn't go well. Letting go, you know on faithfulness is one of the greatest threats against marriage stats tell is that 40 to 50% of all married men about extramarital affairs and 70% of all married men under 40 expect to have an extramarital relations that scary so bunch of guys are just waiting for what they would see as an opportunity and so this just gets worse and it's men of course but now women are catching up the numbers for women being unfaithful to their husbands is higher than ever. 1953, while one half of married men have been a people of their wives only 26% of the wives responded in kind. But today, while only 19% of married women knew their husbands cheated on them.

41% of the women cheated so that they're just going out and doing that as well. This is destroying the fabric of the family and God has warned us about this sin. First Corinthians 69 he says don't you know the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God, nor the sexually immoral nor idolaters, nor adulterers, Solomon worn us about going to the house of the prostitute. Proverbs 724 listening me my simply attention to my words.

Don't let your heart straight toward her.

Don't wondered down her wayward Preseason.

The ruin of many numerous minute dinner victims or houses the road to the grave or bedroom is the den of death or houses the road to the grave in her bedroom is the den of death and Jesus of course took this to another level. He said you've heard that it has been said, you shall not commit adultery that I say unto you, if you look on a woman with lust in your heart. It's effectively the same thing by the way that Frazier Christ use looks on a woman in the original language could be translated continuously looking is not a casual glance those continuously looking and not only that, but it speaks of intentional and repeated gazing so you're gonna see an attractive guy like right now I'm in the guy next to you not be of course the car you see an attractive woman to go track a woman attractive guy that that's not the issue here. It's like when you see I'm not going to go looking for this and I'm not only going to go looking for this. I want to go looking for this lustfully, I'm going out of my way to feed the flames of lost now in the old days you would have to go searching for a place to stimulate your lust, but nowadays it's only a mouse click away. Pornography of horses everywhere on the Internet. They estimate that the worldwide sex industry is around $57 billion first 4.2 million porn sites and pornographic search engine request total 60 million per day. As I said, wickedness is just a mouse click away. And of course the word pornography comes from the Greek word porn media and it's interesting because outward is actually used a number of times in the New Testament we learned in first Corinthians 16. Our bodies were not made for it. We should not seek it out either. According to first Corinthians 72 and finally first Corinthians 618.

We should run from it and then finally we should repent of it if we fallen prey to it. First Corinthians 1221 you need to run member. The story of Joseph and the original Kruger Potter first wife.

She was an older woman attractive, no doubt laying lustful lies on the attractive, handsome, young Joseph and she was very upfront about her intentions. She gets a day after day have sex with me any repelled her advances in one day.

She described them in pulling down on the bed and he did what any clear thinking red-blooded young men would do or should do under such circumstances, he ran and sometimes literally to simple as running. It's as simple as hitting the off button.

It's as simple as terminating a conversation and so you need to take this step because people begin in the trap of the poultry lose perspective and here's the thing we don't think about we call in an affair. What a stupid word that it's an affair something accrues or something, but really it's the worst thing you can do it. Adultery and God told you not to go there but when a person is committed this act.

It's not one time because when two people hook up and engage in this kind of a lifestyle.

It's all about sex. It has nothing to do with love. So it's good to be many, many times it's going to be a lot of lying to cover up what they been doing so effectively. If you're a Christian, you go into a completely backslidden state of immorality and I've also found people that are found out in affairs. They say it was only wants of their liars are always liars, and you find out later it was and once it was many times and I wasn't one person there was more than one person. See, it's just scrap that gets worse and you don't ever want to go down that road again is it would become unknowable God forgive me. Yes, he will. God will forgive you if you fallen into the sin of adultery but your spouse may not forgive you quite as quickly as will point out technically is grounds for divorce. Hopefully that won't happen but it is a deal breaker. And even if it's been forgiven is a lot of time that is to be taken for trust to be restored so we don't want to go down that road ever Greg Lord important warnings about the lure of immorality and the other dangers to our marriages and there's more to come as this message continues here on the new beginning and then were making available and encouraging book this month that offers encouragement for those who suffered loss. Let's talk to their friends and loved ones of someone who's just suffered a terrible loss.

What are the right words to say to that person and water the wrong words okay well I would say it, let me start with some of the wrong words and then I'll talk about some of the right words wrong words are you over it yet. I actually had someone asked me this two weeks after my son died. Are you over it yet listen when someone loses a loved one, especially a child though never be over, though get through it by God's grace, but they don't get over it. So don't ever ask them. Are you over it. Had someone say to me. Well, God picks his best flowers first. What a ridiculous statement.

First of all your loved one is not a flower, and that makes no sense at all. Then someone else might say, would you of other children. Well at least you have them. But listen, no one could take the place of the child or the loved one, you loss.

Sometimes people tried to compare it to their being. All I know what it's like for instance if you lost a child busy. I lost my grandmother look, I'm sorry you lost your grandmother, but is not the same as losing a job because you don't plan for that. So don't say those things. So what should you say, short answer, less is more, you know, Job went to the were suffering imaginable.

Some friends showed up for the first few days they said nothing. They just saw Job in his pain and misery, and they wept for him. That was fantastic and you know it's really when they started talking that the problems began. So choose your words carefully. As I said, less is more. You can say something like, I'm really sorry.

I'm praying for you.

I love you.

Is there anything I can do for you know Greg, they need a sermon. You know, maybe they don't need a sermon. Maybe they just need a friend member when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane. He took Peter, James and John with him and he said stay here with me, watch and pray for the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. And then he went and began to literally sweat blood. According to Dr. Luke is the pressure of the impending crucifixion was coming and he returns to them of their asleep, and he said could you not stay awake with me.

Here's the point Jesus did need sermons. He needed friends. He just needed someone to be with them and when someone is lost a loved one, just being there. The ministry of presence if you will can really be a big deal when were speaking about loss and I coincides with her resource were making available to our listeners. Right now it's about by a family who suffered tremendous loss in the last couple of years. The Evans family. Many of our listeners are familiar with Dr. Tony Evans and their family suffer the loss of eight different family members in the last few years.

The book is called divine disruption and I know you highly recommended I do and not only do I recommend it. I want to put a copy of this book in your hands up because this is a book that's going to be encouraging to you it's subtitled holding on the faith and life breaks your heart. My talking to somebody right now that is a broken heart. Maybe you're having a hard time holding onto your faith then you need a copy of this book divine disruption that I will send you for your gift of any size.

Some of you may only be able to send a little bit. Whatever you send will be invested in expanding this radio ministry. So please, whatever you can do.

It's greatly appreciated and is our way of saying thanks will send your own copy of this brand-new book by Tony Evans and his children titled divine disruption. It's right all four of Dr. Evans kids contributed their encouragement Priscilla Scheier Crystal Evans hurst, Jonathan Evans and Anthony Evans.

It's rich encouragement from five different points of view. We will go send a generous investment today and ask for the book divine disruption. You can call us at 1-800-821-3300 and we can take your call anytime 24 seven that's 1-800-821-3300 or write a new beginning. Box 4000, Riverside, CA 92514 or just go online to harvest God for next time. Pastor Greg has more practical insight on how we can divorce through our home.

Join us here on the new beginning pastor and Bible teacher Greg Laurie new beginning as a podcast, made possible by harvest partners, helping people everywhere know God if this shell has impacted your life. Share your story, leave a review on your favorite podcast and help others find help