Thriving in Love & Money: An Interview with Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn

The following message from Pastor Greg Laurie is made possible by some special friends of this ministry.

Pastor Greg wanted to see a special word of thanks to the harvest partners who make this ministry possible next time your online check out Pastor Greg's personal blog@blog.greglaurie.com measured regulatory author Chante Philpott about an observation from renewable when we have conflict around money. It's not about the money, so he wanted to explain the turns out it's about how many makes you feel your spouse the greatest obstacle is in a husband and wife to sit down at the kitchen table and this incredible for many to be an opportunity for conflict connection. We have a suggestion the studio today. First of all User with his Good to see you here and we have a couple of guest with us today a husband and wife who were authors and both hold graduate degrees from Harvard so I'm figuring that you and I will understand about half of what they say and I I'm hoping after the program we can compare your half to my half and well I am a graduate from Harbor high school and California and so I'm so glad to talk to somebody the does something to say to our audience can help us all very, very important topic as well for everyone that's mostly not just something real quick just so we had Chante out to speak recently to our women and I I was so intimidated when I read hers and Jeff's bio but when I spent the first two on the phone with her I felt like I'd met a new best friend and I felt like I could understand everything she was saying and she made it so easy to receive that that great intellect of her all the research and talk to me she would say Greg is a graduate of Harvard, Yale, I think you've graduated from high school.

You wouldn't understand this, but then she would make her next statement know she never did that the very opposite of the process and I'm speaking with our special guests, Chante and Jeff Feld Hahn and they've written a very important book that I want to put in your hand in the title of this thriving in love and money, subtitled we graduated from Harvard and you did it. That's what I would've put if I was a Harvard graduate with thanks for being on the program today with this. You guys, and there's a statement very early on the book and I find this very interesting because you would look at this and think all this is a book about money and it is in another way, it isn't because the statement is made. The truth about everything will be covering. We have conflict around money.

It's not about the money.

So Chante wanted to explain that statement in this research because this is based on this three-year research project to try to dig like how did you have a great relationship around money right and this had been a big deal in our marriage and that's the really the one sentence summary at the reasonable that this is such a big issue and so many jazz is that we are having tension about money.

It's not about the money. Turns out it's about how many makes you feel and how it makes your spouse feel is there is a host as like expectations and beliefs about how money should work or insecurities or worries are always other feelings that are running into the surface and we don't even know they're there. But that's really what's coming out when ever there is those tensions are fighting or like me — we didn't fight about it. We just cannot talk about it later, that we could if we could have titled it if it was the book about our life, we could of said coping with money arriving around 11 anything but thrive. You think this is such an emotional subject. You know you can talk about so many things from the pulpit. You can talk about faith and prayer. The importance of Scripture the family, etc. etc. but the moment you bring up the word money. I think everybody impulsively grabs her wallet or at least thought you ask us for money and it's very emotional and people don't like to talk about this topic. Do you think it's because this is an area that they haven't surrendered over to the Lord that they want control of. Do you think it's something else. What is the thing. And you know and as we know Jesus spoke so much about money. So many of his parables dealt with money.

The Bible is very straightforward on this topic but for some reason we don't want to hear that message are we do want to talk about that topic. Honestly, it comes back to what Jesus said is where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. It's it turns out that a lot of us have treated it like a technical issue right like it's about budgeting or getting out of that, or planning and listen all that is important. That was what we were studying we were trying to figure out what's underneath all of that and that's the stuff that has to come before you can even be willing to talk with their spouse in the budget or plan. This blows my mind and it blows onto pastors minds, the greatest obstacle to all of the budgeting to the financial freedom everything that a pastor wants his people to be in his church to be generous to be tithing, the greatest obstacle is in ability of a husband and wife to sit down at the kitchen table and talk about money. So this is a communication issue.

So that's answer your question, is it really is about this incredible opportunity for money to be an opportunity, not for conflict but for connection, which is huge for a lot of people right now, especially right now we need God. You talk about communication. I know in one part of the book you write this if I can quote your own words back to you say. If you have more financial cushion in your life but do not talk about money. You are more likely to have damaging tensions than if you have less money on hand but could at least talk about. Yes building cushion is important. Talking trumps that because they found that if you build the cushion if that's what you're focusing on is the finances, but you're not focusing on being able to communicate about money be able to come together and talk about it that the relationship is likely to be worse than if you had last cushion he could communication stink so if you're listening I'm speaking with Jeff and Chante Feld Hahn and they've written a great book that you need to have in your hands cold thriving in love and money know this is not just another book on money. This is different, subtitled five game changing insights about your relationships, your money and yourself. Okay, let's say that the husband wants to buy something that you and being the God he probably wants to buy a muscle car or he wants to he wanted from personal experience S figure my cars would not what you call a muscle car but it is a little faster than normal.

I have an old bus thing. I think everybody knows that.

But anyway, let's make this personal day waiting for that okay… See in them in the mind of the wife, the guy wants to buy something to think this extravagant and/or in the mind of the husband, the wife says let's redecorate the house and what he hears her saying is let's take a bunch of money and flush it down the toilet right so that's not what she means. Maybe that's not even what he means, but they hear it differently talk about that.

Well actually you just described one of the key factors underneath the surface that we found is a big deal for almost everybody, which is that it turns out we're just not valuing what the other person is and it should surprise us. I don't know why we do this because we know were different people. Technically, I know Jeff is a different human being that for some reason in my mind I don't translate that to have different things that really matter to him and that might be just as legitimate and what we tell ourselves internally is that the other person is wrong what their valuing can I can I give you all an example of very very common example right now because right now there's a lot of couples and probably for years to come as people are listening to this. There's a lot of economic uncertainty now and that lends itself to suddenly husband and wife need to come together and be able to talk about money when maybe they haven't really been able to before. In the same way, and one of the examples of this different kind of classes. Example of the value difference is a spender and a saver very common simple example and even plan even when you have two singers usually one of them is more comfortable spending than the other. So you still have this really it is that's coming out of the surface is how we feel about our marriage and how are communicating with each other, and money is just bringing it out and right now with all of the things that are going on.

This is a big issue. So how do we how do couples come together. How do you know we have two separate, one value security and one values you not just those that family memories or you know, creating an atmosphere or a or situation that will in a treasure for years to come that both good things. How do we how do we kindly communicate those values to one another because they're not always. It's not always in my forefront of my mind when Craig says hey, let's have all 11 of us go out to the nice restaurant for dinner and of course all the kids and the grandkids are yet yes and I'm thinking he's going to cost a lot but I'm always glad for the memory and the time we have spent together so how do we how do we express our concern to the other without stepping on their toes are staying in a way that's hurtful or a put down yeah I said I think at least for Chante and me, and what we saw in the research was you have to start with yourself and figure out what's going on inside of you in a way that you can say it compassionately and you can say you know I if I understand what you want to accomplish with this and you you maybe say you know you you value all of these memories that were going to create with the family. This was this was thought through Bayou. It wasn't just you know a careless session there some some reason that you have for wanting to do this.

Can you help me understand what your file inside you know it because it is as much more respectful toward toward our spouse when were asking that. Can you help me understand and then opens the door for you to say can I tell you what it feels like for me when were doing this and I know that sounds like talking solves everything but you know actually get you longways there, so I'm speaking with Chante and Jeff Feld Hahn and they've written a book called thriving in love and money subtitled five game changing insights about your relationship your money and yourself. And as you can see we are talking about money, but in some ways we aren't were talking about communication. Talking about relationship were talking about understanding one another, listening to one another and much more. But it's all interwoven in topics of finances and other areas as well and we want to send you this book because I think it's really good. I hope you especially those of you who are married but jump out at about those who are planning on getting your Majewski receive. Even if you're single. It might be good to think about these things before you get married right. Chante often points out that you know even before you're married. We all know what that feeling is when you're sitting around the table with someone at dinner in your thinking how much debt do they have credit card debt and all of those sorts of things that are you know cause us to have concerns even before you get well when we do the interviews. I can't tell you the number of times that I've heard a man articulate this question of MI can he be able to provide for our family.

I can get married to this woman until I know for sure that I'm to be able to provide is looming in their mind and it causes all sorts of other things that is helpful for us as wives to know were talking with Jeff and Chante Feld Hahn and there there both got graduate degrees know Jeff, you've got your specialty is in law and Chante you got a graduate degree in data analysis which you draw upon that for this book. As you dug deep and all the data. What do you won't you consider the biggest surprise and all your research.

The biggest surprise is how much all of us and definitely me in my own heart. How much I am resisting being one in marriage and it's coming out and how I handle money.

I mean, that was one of the big findings and it hit me because candidly a lot of us have kind of gotten into patterns when when money isn't something you love talking about. If you're one of those people who just it's not your thing. It's really easy to kinda go there paycheck goes into your account and my paycheck is under my account and we don't have to talk about money like it's easier to just do it separately because we all all of us underneath the surface. We just want to do what we want to do right. It started in the garden and we all have this resistance to being wine in our marriage and I thought about myself like like keep separate bank accounts where we have access to two different weeds just for convenience and in whatever and when. When people say well I don't do that. I I asked them the same question I had to ask myself once I realize this is okay. Maybe you don't. Maybe you combine everything but ask yourself, do you ever try to pull the Amazon package off the front step before your spouse sees it that in me was coming from the same exact place of wanting to just do what I wanted to do that causes some people separate accounts entirely and during this moment.

It's important for us to sort of wrestle with that and recognize this is something we're called to not be you and me were called me were not called to be you and me were called to be. We you're listening to Chante Jeff Feld Hahn. They've written a book called thriving in love and money and this is our special resorts this month that we want to put up your hips what you know that when we offer these resources, it's because we want to help you. We want to encourage you. We want to strengthen you and this is one of the most important that we've ever offered, and I would remind you that I'm offering this to you for your gift of any size whatever you send large or small, will get your copy. But let me encourage you to invest in our ministry because this is a ministry that obviously teaches the word of God. But it's also a ministry that calls people to Christ and every year we see literally thousands of people make a commitment to follow Jesus Christ as will invite them to do so at the end of our program. So if you believe that people need to come to Jesus if you believe people need to hear the word of God than the we would appreciate your investment in our ministry will get you your copy of this book by Jeff and Chante build Hahn thriving in love of money.

Hey, speaking of investing in ministry. Let's talk a little bit about giving to the Lord why is that important to invest in the kingdom of God and by that I mean investing in the ministry like ours or others or your local church. Well remember how at the very beginning we were talking about. Why did Jesus talk about this so much and you know it it reveals where your heart as you know, this is you choosing you choosing to trust.

However, one of the other things we may not realize about what Jesus said there is what you do with your money. It's not just reveals the heart.

It also steers the heart and you do that as you step out in faith and say you know I want to hold onto all of it.

But God says to give this back to him.

It forces me to say this is a choice of trust may not be feeling right now. Well wish it would be but it's going to be a choice and it steers my heart in that direction when I take a deep breath and choose to guess it's the same thing. Frankly, for all of the things that we've been talking about like you have two separate bank accounts because you say that's more convenient. Like Jeff and I that even though we kind of things combine and had access but we didn't. We work together well you know I had our choice to say why don't we do all of our banking together in the same account so that we are forced to deal with these things and talk about them that was steering our heart away from being you and me and steering it to being one let's speak specifically to somebody listening right now maybe their hearing is talking or thinking man… This this is an area where world record home and they do want to get a copy of this book, but it might take a couple days to get there. Let's help them right now. What's the first thing they can do today to get them aimed in the right direction not only financially, but more importantly in the relationship which the first thing that they should do so, you might give you two okay okay it's too easy once so the first thing that I would do is ask each other. One question, is there anything that I could do to make it easier for you to talk about money with me is anything that I could do differently that would make it easier for you to talk about money with me, but the knives down. Maybe I can open up a lot of these kinds of discussions and just get you started and hopefully it that way rather than an angry way but you know will will take what we can get in terms of a starting point asking and answering calmly. The second thing that I would suggest is we actually created a free assessment that you can take it.

We took time, but the key is for that assessment can't see this sense, it's only five or six minutes, but it's very robust engine under the surface will get you some really, really specialized.

Where are you starting in this love and money journey.

What areas that you're already doing well because if you know that all my goodness I didn't realize this is a big deal I can do more of that right like it's a good thing, and the areas you most need to work on. It'll it'll just get you started. It didn't take long it was and it was very easy to answer the questions and just understanding what you value what you value. With this in your data. Do Christians fare better and how they relate to each other financially than the rest of the sample group you know it's it's interesting is about the same in in some ways area, yet it happens on the area we had four real major categories, at least in the assessment that we were we were tackling one of the areas which was the oneness, one that Chante was speaking about earlier and what we found is that Christians tend to score considerably higher than the national average that we just which is fantastic because it does mean that the average follower of Jesus is hearing what their pastors are saying about the need to try to be one in your marriage and the need to try to take a deep breath and note handle things a little bit differently now.

It doesn't necessarily mean that they always handle things, but they want to like there is a there is a desire to be more together in their marriage without the ceiling of what we saw in the national survey so folks you're listening to Chante Joe filled Hahn delivered the book of thriving in love and money it's about money, it's about those things that you deal with, but it's all about relationships.

It's about trust. It's about communication.

It's about life and this is something that you need to have in your hands.

And they mentioned the survey that you can take to help you. It's here in the book and we want to send it to you. Listen for no charge. I will send you this book for whatever you said no. I would encourage you to be generous in ordering your call because will use those resources to invest in the kingdom of God.

But we will rush through your own copy of thriving in love and money, subtitled five-game changing insights about your relationship your money and yourself. Let me let me wrap up with one left questions about the last chapter in the book. In the last chapter you speak of how this information changed your marriage. So as we close it tells about that.

How is your marriage different now. After that experience of uncovering all of that research and putting it into practice what I'd say that's a you know it's it's deepened our understanding our respect for each other, our love for each other. I just you know we all want peace in our household and we have peace it's it's been fantastic. It has been so fascinating to see how I would have described our marriage as being a great marriage before I had no idea there was a whole other level that we were missing. I had no idea that there was a whole other level of oneness and intimacy and closeness that was closed off to us because there was this area of marriage that just was taboo was the third rail right it was that area that we just avoided it and again, we didn't fight about it because we just avoided it.

So there was a whole area of connection rear and I would say that in my words that say that's previously I would have thought that I was in during certain things that Chante did and now I've come to appreciate them because I now see on what she values differently than what I did in the net benefit to our family because she values those things. I love that I'm excited because I feel like even if there's just one member of the household that will take the time to read this book that it'll help them begin that conversation because rather than thrust a book into somebody you know your spouse's hands that you need to read this book itself will help you to begin to phrase those first like the first question that you gave us which was so good. What is the one thing that I could do that would help you begin to help me understand and talk about money with me. I mean that.

That's question is just the opening of a nice conversation rather than just you need to do this differently and you need to understand what I'm thinking, here it is, is that help me understand so that we can have this conversation.

I love that exactly. It will think you Chante and Jeff for being on her show. In writing this book thriving in love and money and I hope that our listeners will order their own copy because it can really enrich number one your life member to your marriage and hope you know how to deal with your finances in a godly way from a biblical perspective.

And so we want to send you your own copy for your gift of any size to our ministry here at a new beginning because as you know we love to teach the word of God. This is just an illustration of that were helping you to see how Scripture applies to all areas of your life including your finances and that we also proclaim the gospel and give people an opportunity to believe in Jesus so whatever you send will invested in this ministry and will get you your own copy of this book by Chante and Joe filled Hahn thriving in love and money. That's right, we have a copy here waiting for you and we so much appreciate your investment in these daily studies we are completely listener supported. There are no large organizations paying all the expenses which listeners refund benefit in Pastor Greg. Studies recognize the effectiveness of this ministry in reaching people with the gospel. So thanks for your donation today and ask for the book thriving in love and money as you write a new beginning. Box 4000, Riverside, CA 92514 or call 1-800-821-3300. We are here to take your call 24 seven that's 1-800-821-3300 or go online to harvest.or flextime as Pastor Greg returns to his world changers series shows is the difference between the choices made by Abraham and the choices made by law to the choices we make determine the path our life. Join us next time you possible by harvest partners, helping people everywhere know God sign up for pastor great free daily email, devotions@harvest.org